Thursday, July 30, 2009

Brawl is a Pick and Bores Nerd Rages

We’re now at the point where IG’s videos are so bad they’re just bizarre. The upcoming rants are on videos that don’t even try to review the game; they’re like bad SNL sketches. Wait, I think I’m jumping the gun on that too early but they will get surreal.

First up his review of Super Smash Bros Brawl for the Wii, MORE LIKE SMASH BROS… CRAWL HUR HUR HUR. Side note, the Brawl review is the top viewed video on the “Irategamer” account.

0:24: “If you enjoyed playing Super Smash Bros. Mewley for the Gamecube” Holy shit, holy shit, HOLY SHIT! How can you mispronounce a word as simple as Melee? They even SAY the word in the SSBM intro! Though I doubt Bores ever played Melee but it’s not an obscure word!

*boring shit about the characters*

0:55 – 1:21: So he did play Melee (I think) as he whines about that game having too many “duplicate characters” and Brawl got rid of them. Did he even play the same game? Brawl had MORE duplicate characters then before! He noted the only “duplicates” were Dr. Mario, Young Link, and Pichu. No mention of Ganondorf, Falco, or Roy? Besides, Young Link is now Toon Link, Fox = Falco = Wolf, Ness = Lucas, Ganondorf has barely changed from the last game, and Ike isn’t a clone at all.

He says Mewtwo wasn’t a big loss FUCK YOU! Mewtwo is awesome, and technically he’s in Brawl but Lucario now uses the move-set! Also a lame joke of “They replaced Roy with Ike *shows picture of Ike from South Park*” Ladies, do not watch these videos if you are pregnant, they cause Fetal Alcohol Syndrome.

SNAKE AND SONIC COOOOOOOL Shut up.

1:41 – 1:49: Bores remarks they kept his favorite character Mr. Game & Watch because he’s 2-D or something. Tell me Bores, what game is that character from? You don’t know? Sorry you lost the game *opens trap door.*

1:49 – 1:51: “I really enjoyed the addition of Kid Icarus” PIT! His name is Pit! They even say his name ON THE FUCKING MENU! Why do you piss me off so much?

1:53 – 2:10: “Durr I hate the Wii Joystick-Nunchuck combo but you can play with the Wii Joystick on its side durrr.” That’s true, but are you going to bring up using the Classic Controller? No? What about the Gamecube Controller and how it’s the easiest to use? No? Feh, some reviewer you turned out to be.

2:11 – 2:19: He says something about the graphics being good and “I found myself just sitting there staring because its soooo detailed.” I think he wanted to say “Dis game is shiny, soooo shiny, I like shiny” but that “wouldn’t be professional.”

2:20 – 2:32: Bores starts talking about the stages “There’s a bunch of new ones, like Castles and Boats.” HOLY SHIT CASTLES AND BOATS! This game is bananas! Dude, say what games they’re from, Fire Emblem and Wind Waker. Then he brings up “nostalgic stages” like the Donkey Kong and Mario Bros stages. Yeah keep telling yourself you get nostalgia from that Mr. 20 Years.

2:33 – 3:03: IG brings up The Subspace Emissary story-mode and how cool it is with its “CGI Cutscenes.” He must be the only person to have liked SSE because everyone I talked to HATED it. Despite the lack of dialogue it was written like a bad fan-fiction, and it was 3 hours too long. Even worse knowing there were scenes cut from the game, that’s just pathetic.

3:03 – 3:08: He brings up how it’s fun to play with three other people. God it still feels like he discovered friends for the first time it’s unreal. By the way he’s not playing with other people in the footage, the other 3 players are marked “CPU.” Also, listen to how he pronounces “especially,” it sounds like a 6 year old learning to read “Expecially.”

3:09 – 3:16: “I can’t say anything bad about this game because there’s a ton of stuff to do.” You’re not going to talk about the shitty online? The gimped Classic and All-Star modes? How boring Break the Targets became? You’re not going to talk about any of the things that were far worse then the previous two games? It’s official, he’s never played the previous two games.

3:17 – 3:27: “I would have liked to see other Nintendo legends like Mega Man, Simon Belmont, and Bomberman.” You can’t be serious; none of those characters were made by Nintendo. Mega Man was made by Capcom, Simon Belmont and Castlevania were made by Konami, and Bomberman was made by Hudson. Just because they were featured on a Nintendo console does NOT make them Nintendo characters. I get the feeling he got most of his “gaming knowledge” from Captain N, calling Pit “Kid Icarus” and believing Mega Man and Belmont are Nintendo characters. Doesn’t help Captain N is the lowest form of animated garbage.

He ends the review calling Brawl his “Irate Pick for the Wii.” That’s just lame; you couldn’t do something like “Neo’s WIIner” or “The Irate WIIner” (that last one credit to themorshushow and his Irate Rant blog) or something clever? Irate Pick for the Wii that doesn’t even sound pleasing.

This is one of his worst reviews; it’s up there with ZAMN and TMNT on the Richter Scale of Awful. Not because he bashed a great game, but he praised a mediocre game. That’s not just my opinion a lot of people were under-whelmed by Brawl.

Let’s just look at his review of the DVD Superman: Doomsday, which was a sub-par film by the way. Well at least he put more time into it as the running time is over two minutes. I won’t do a minute-by-minute analysis because his movie reviews don’t deserve it.

Why is he praising The Death of Superman storyline? It was all a big marketing ploy to get people reading comics again after Rob Liefeld sprayed his sperm of horrible artwork in the early 90s. He’s complaining about the lack of the Justice League in the film and thinks it’s due to the cost of voice actors. *facepalm* This is a Superman movie, they didn’t use the League because this is an abridged version of the story. Also too many voice actors isn’t a problem, just look at early anime dubs from Funimation. Chris Sabat played every character.

He starts bitching that it’s nothing like the comic book and it’s a terrible adaptation. NO, if you want a poor adaptation go watch V For Vendetta! Of course Alan Moore is too “sophisticated” for his pudding-brain as well see in the future. “I’m surprised people watching didn’t constantly compare the comic and movie.” Well not everyone has read the comic so they wouldn’t know the differences; do you expect everyone going to see a Harry Potter movie to have read the book?

“I found the documentary 1000 more times enjoyable.” Does he really read over his scripts? He has to catch things like this right? *SMB2 is the perfect predecessor to the first Mario game* Fuck Off.

Why doesn’t Bores just do comic book reviews? He seems to enjoy those far more then video games. Well seeing his TMNT from Archie review, I’d have more fun watching a stuffed-shirt college professor explain how paint dries while we watch it.

I’m cutting this one a little short because I feel like it. Next time I’ll go over ROB Part 2 and his reviews of Zack & Wiki, and The Incredible Hulk. I might also cover his next new “series” Chris & Scottie Roadtrip, though a machete in the balls sounds more enjoyable then that.

Phoenix Wright: HOLD IT!
Instead of the videos mentioned above, the next part will be about the controversial Uncensored Net Noise radio interview. Oh what fun we'll have with that one! No seriously this one will be fun.

15 comments:

  1. Hey, I love your blogs. I just wanted to point out something that you didnt.

    His Archie TMNT review was full of flaws. Also, he states that he was too young to read the gritty adult comics, but the guy is 32.... so, that's not true.

    The thing that bugged me the most is that he said the stories stopped following a larger storyline and was soon cancelled before reaching issue 30, the truth being, that the same writers wrote the comics from 1988-1996 and the comics had over 70 issues.

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  2. You know something...
    The video is so horrible...
    I'd rather accept the fact that 9-volt is not playable in Brawl. I'd rather accept that Fox, Wolf, and Falco have the exact same final smash. I's rather accept that there are not as many assist trophies as usable Pokemon in SSBB.
    And you know what?

    I'd rather simply play Brawl than deal with that biased shit parade of a video. No, I am not making a doing a spin on AVGN,s "I would rather..." phrase. I just want to say that he didn't make this video for the fans. Not at all. He knew that Brawl would've been the most anticipated game for the Wii. Was he looking forward to playing it? Yes. Is that because of his nostalgia? NO! This is because Brawl was going to be the biggest game on the Nintendo Wii, and he somehow had it in his head that:

    SSBB review = millions of views!!!1!1 o:

    And that is why he "reviewed" Brawl.
    To pander to retarded fanboys who do not even know what an opinion is.

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  3. I'm awaiting the eventual review for NSMBWii... the one at E3 doesn't count, I'm afraid. I can't wait for him to dissect how useless "Toadstool" is.

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  4. I don't know. I laughed at the "Having two of the same thing can get stale and repetitive" line in his Mario 2 review, but that comment was more ironic than he probably hoped it would be.

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  5. Bores seems to be under the mindset that if a game appeared on a Nintendo console, Nintendo must have made it.

    I'm guessing he probably has never played Bloodlines or Symphony of the Night.

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  6. @Anon (January 29th 2:53 PM)
    I figured from his Portrait of Ruin "review" he has never played Symphony of the Night or a Metroidvania in general.

    As he said there "It plays much differently then the first 4 games" implying he's never played SotN.

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  7. I have a question, How come you said "to get people" twice? Was it a typo?

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  8. I'm having a hard time deciding which is worse: Bores referring to Pit as "Kid Icarus" or NC-17 completely butchering the title (and slandering the game as well.)

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  9. I love Brawl, but this review just sucks. My favourite part of the game is the local multiplayer experience, but he hardly makes any comment on it. Even though I do enjoy the single-player experience it is very flawed, but there is hardly any comment on that either (and yes, I found the SSE's storyline almost incomprehensible).

    Also the writing is inept, the research is wrong and it's less of a review and more like a blog post. I don't have anything against that, but trying to pass this off as a legitimate review is just ridiculous.

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  10. no hay nick libreJune 25, 2010 at 9:12 AM

    You know what's the worst part for me?That Mr Game & Watch is also my favourite character.

    But I don't think that Bores really likes him.I think is just an attempt to look like a nostalgic person.He failed,of course

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  11. "You can’t be serious; none of those characters were made by Nintendo. Mega Man was made by Capcom, Simon Belmont and Castlevania were made by Konami, and Bomberman was made by Hudson. Just because they were featured on a Nintendo console does NOT make them Nintendo characters"

    i agree and disagree, yes those are not apart of nintendo but they had hits on the nintendo and if sonic and snake can be in the game why can't they, do you see the irony you puted out of your ass?

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    Replies
    1. "do you see the irony you puted out of your ass?"

      Was that an '8-bit translation'? I have no idea why you would suddenly write something so abrasive after a relatively straightforward rebuttal.

      Also, the point was that Chris Bores referred to them as "other Nintendo legends". I agree that it would be cool to see them in there, but the bottom line is that his phrasing was clumsy at best.

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  12. I like SSBB better than the other ones. And am I the ONLY person that can play well with the Nunchuck combo?

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  13. FUN FACT: British Nintendo Magazine NGamer (Associated with Games Radar.com FYI) actually showed pictures of the empty Brawl development studio. And there were piles upon piles of Gamecube controllers. Yes, the Gamecube controller pretty much was the true controller for Brawl.

    I have to admit, Subspace Emissary may be heavily flawed gameplay wise, but the cutscenes do bring a smile to my face. They don't really come off like bad fanfiction, kinda more like the silent interactions in the Mario and Luigi games. And there are some cutscenes that are just great, particularly, Lucario vs Box. Who would have thought a Pokemon could humiliate the entire armed forces of the Metal Gear universe?

    But Target Smash was indeed nerfed horribly. As for Bores......His knowledge is from Captain N. I hate that show enough already (If done properly, it could have been made of pure awesome). And yes Bores, we know about basic details. The hype already accounted for that.

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  14. "0:55 – 1:21: So he did play Melee (I think) as he whines about that game having too many “duplicate characters” and Brawl got rid of them. Did he even play the same game? Brawl had MORE duplicate characters then before! He noted the only “duplicates” were Dr. Mario, Young Link, and Pichu. No mention of Ganondorf, Falco, or Roy? Besides, Young Link is now Toon Link, Fox = Falco = Wolf, Ness = Lucas, Ganondorf has barely changed from the last game, and Ike isn’t a clone at all."


    I don't know why I'm making this post but Wolf is NOT a clone of Fox/Falco. Every single one of his normal moves are different. The only things that you can say are cloney about Wolf are his final smash and speical moves having the theme of projectile, side dash move, aimable up B, and projectile reflector. Same goes for Lucas.

    Melee's clones were
    Fox - Falco
    Marth - Roy
    Pikachu - Pichu
    Link - Young Link
    Falco - Ganondorf
    Mario - Dr. Mario

    Brawl's clones are
    Falcon - Ganondorf
    ..............That's it. Seriously. Falco got 5 different normal attacks in Brawl. The same applies to Toon Link if I remember correctly. If we're going to consider that grounds for being a clone then Luigi is a clone as well.

    So no, Chris is right here. Doesn't mean he isn't a goddamn fool but still.

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