Sunday, July 26, 2009

Contra 2 Contra Harder

Not satisfied with pissing off real gamers by insulting Contra, he decided to release a second part and review more Contra games. This time the other two NES Contra games Super C and Contra Force.

Grab your Flamethrower and hang on.

0:33 – 0:39: “How would anyone know it’s a Contra sequel just by looking at the cover?” Gee I don’t know, how about the BIG FUCKING C ON THE FRONT!

0:54 – 1:14: IG starts ranting on Super C being much harder then the first. For fuck sake Super C is easier then the first! You just suck! Oh and the footage he shows is extremely unconvincing as he barely fires his weapon and, I’m not kidding, jumps into the enemies on purpose. The worst instance is at the first boss, where he’s just jumping around trying to avoid the enemies instead of FIRING HIS WEAPON! We’re off to a great start huh?

1:15 – 1:21: “I guess if I had a controller for a hand, I’d stand a sporting chance. But since I don’t, death is pretty much imminent.” He says this while showing a terrible photoshopped image of his hand as an NES controller. You know, boomstick545 used this picture as an example saying “After Effects do not make videos better.” He’s right on that.

1:30 – 1:36: After ranting on the aliens being tougher (pfft) the camera cuts to Bores in another wide-angle shot when a Galaga? Spaceship flies into his shoulder. Like I’ve said before, that Family Guy humor sure rots the brain. I’m serious don’t watch that crap.

1:40 – 1:56: Bores begins to whine about a power-up on a ledge that’s impossible to reach. He concludes to this diatribe with “Don’t they know that White Men Can’t Jump?” UGGGGGGGGGH next scene.

1:56 – 2:16: Since Bores is a crappy gamer and thinks Super C is harder, he starts to bitch that the game doesn’t have the 30 Lives Code, instead it has a code for 10 Lives. Well since the game is easier I think 10 Lives are reasonable oh wait look who I’m talking to.

2:17 – 2:36: You’re not going to believe this but IG says he’s going to need a Game Genie. He “obtains” one by “rubbing a magic lava lamp” (rather a bad special effect) and asks for Infinite Continues. Is there anything else I can say other then “You Suck” because that’s all I can think of. He just sucks at this.

Yes I know the AVGN used a Game Genie a couple of times but his reasons were far different. Here Chris Bores just sucks at the game and doesn’t try to beat it with his skill.

2:37 – 2:56: The Sage Douche returns and joins Bores for another 2-Player game. He attempts his badass pose again and puts sunglasses over his sunglasses? Didn’t Airplane do this joke? But it was far funnier?

2:57: “Having a second player in this game is pretty much a requirement if you’re going to reach the end.” This video is over 10 minutes people!

3:31 – 3:42: After a long time bitching and moaning about the amount of enemies (in every clip they die on purpose its un-fucking-believable) we get another strange zoomed-out shot meaning another stupid joke. Another ship from Galaga appears and Bores blows it up with his Zapper, and yes he uses the same explosion effect as every other fucking time!

3:44 – 4:00: IG reaches a level with a lowering ceiling and 6 alien orbs. I swear you have to see this to believe me but he’s not even shooting at them. He’s just standing there shooting at the side waiting for them to kill him. You know, the idea of a game review is to show an honest view of the game. Pointing out the positives and negatives and if the game is worth a purchase. What you don’t do is make the game look worse then it really is! This is the same as Super Mario Bros. 2 when he slowed down the Invincibility Star and now he’s not even shooting at the enemies.

4:39 – 4:47: “Durrr I’m not sure if I beat the game, I did not get no ending durrrr!” Last I checked the credits mean the game is over! You won!

4:48 – 5:10: After noticing the credits thank The Super C Team he flips the team off (oh yeah they’re watching your shitty video) and starts whining about how bad the game is. I can summarize his rant in one word “WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!”

5:11: IG begins his review of Contra Force

Let’s see, game is expensive, not a real Contra game, blah blah blah. Let’s keep going.

6:25 – 6:40: He notes that nothing was changed from the original Arc Hound and compares it to Super Mario Bros. 2 and that Nintendo put Mario characters in there. Who reading this can name at least 3 memorable Contra characters? No answers? That’s because nobody fucking cares about the Contra characters! Mario was already an established franchise with memorable characters. Nobody cared about the Contra characters, they just called them “Guy with Blue Pants” and “Guy with Red Pants.” So comparing this piece of crap to SMB2 is blasphemy.

6:40: “I wonder how many people bought this expecting a Contra game durrr?” *shakes head* Contra Force came out September 1992, five months after Contra III The Alien Wars on Super Nintendo. I think people were too busy with their Super Nintendo games to care.

7:23 – 8:05: He points out the AI controlled partner but says it’s worthless due to a 5 second timer and bad AI. Yet he keeps using it? Oh and he doesn’t use the term “AI.”

8:28 – 8:38: Bores has “had enough” and decides to use the Game Genie for invincibility. By the way the effect he uses to “enter the code” has plain text fly out of the Genie and into the NES. That’s because he uses an emulator and doesn’t show him putting the Game Genie on the Cartridge.

9:07 – 9:12: After IG shows off the plane level he remarks “Too bad the jet sounds were taken from Top Gun, ah well.” He does know its common practice for companies to re-use their sounds right? He does know Top Gun and Contra Force were both developed by Konami right? *looks around and leans in* He doesn’t.

The review ends with Bores beating the game then burning it (yeah it’s another crappy special effect and jump-cut) and that next time is Contra III. So what have we learned about Super C and Contra Force? How about the fact that Chris Bores is even less legit then that manly chick from IGN, you know the one that reviewed GTA IV and Sonic Unleashed?

I mean, Super C is harder then the first? So much so it’s impossible? What is wrong with you? Again the Contra torture isn’t over with one more part to this horror. Luckily this won’t be the next part (YAAAAAY) however I will look over two other videos (technically three). His “NEO” review of WWE Smackdown vs. Raw 08 and his Top Ten Summer Movies 2008. That’s right he’s going into movie reviews now, be very VERY afraid.

5 comments:

  1. A couple thoughts... bare with me now.

    -Regarding the Super C title:
    Up here around these Canadian parts, we have a supermarket chain called Super C - although at the time of this game's release, it was known by some other name that escapes me at the moment. What does any of this have to do with this review? Absolutely nothing, but thought I throw that out. Just like IG complains about trivial stuff.

    Although if he really wanted to be relevant or show off his gamerness, he'd bring up the reason behind the name change. Something to do with terrorists or something. I'd check, but I'm still really tired at the moment.

    -Regarding the "controller for a hand bit":
    I don't get it. If you had a controller for a hand, how would you be able to use it with one hand? From the way that he "plays" with his controller, he can barely use it with two hands.

    -Regarding the 10-lives code:
    Aw shit! You mean there was a Ten-Lives code?! Damn it! And here I was wasting my time beating the game with only three lives. Thanks for the info. I'm going to promptly forget you mentioned that bit of useless information.

    -Regarding Game Genie:
    Wait a minute... if he's using an emulator, why does he need Game Genie? You've got savestates for cryin' out loud, man! Don't need no Game Genie, dude! Lame...

    -Regarding the Galaga bits
    If there was a means to display pictures, I'd insert another overused picture of an equally overused expression, but since I can't find it...

    *facepalm*

    Not to mention if he wanted to make it seem more legit, he'd use a proper 8-bit explosion instead of the fake ones he's fond of using.

    -My answer to "Who reading this can name at least 3 memorable Contra characters?":
    Mad Dog, Scorpion, and Spreader.

    Or was it Bill, Lance, and Spreader?

    No, maybe it was Jimbo, Sully, and Probotector...

    Actually, you're right - nobody cares about the characters in Contra. Otherwise, they'd be consistent with their character names or something. Screw it, NEXT.

    -Regarding the Contra Force bit with the jet sounds:
    Why bring up Top Gun at all for that matter? Because the Nerd reviewed it or something? Am I supposed to care if the sound they use is recycled from another game? Konami has used their little pause jingle in how many games now? Why doesn't he mention that if he's going for trivial shit like this?

    That's all I've got for now.

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  2. I live in the States so I didn't know there was a chain of "Super C stores." I guess he wanted to find something to nitpick.

    That part with the controller was moronic, wouldn't it make more sense to have robotic thumbs? But Bores wanted to show his "Elite Photoshop Skills" and why he's better then everyone else because he has high-end editing software.

    Real men don't use cheats.
    Really though Super C is easier then the first game, people have beat it without getting a Game Over.

    He got way too excessive trying to beat it. Game Genie + 10 Lives Code + A Second Player. You think that's enough?

    The Galaga Bits ... just stupid.

    Okay you got three down, but the point is that nobody cares if the characters are different. With Final Fantasy there's always a different cast, but that doesn't effect the game's quality.
    Though Contra Force has more problems then "different characters."

    And when he mentioned Top Gun... because the Nerd reviewed it. That's the only reason I can think of.

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  3. Please forgive the cumbersome dissection of quotes I'm about to bombard you with.

    "I live in the States so I didn't know there was a chain of "Super C stores." I guess he wanted to find something to nitpick."
    Like I said, Super C's mostly a Canadian chain so I wouldn't be surprised if you've never heard of it. Coincidentally, the chain started in 1991, a year after Super C (the game) hit NES systems. Coincidence... no question mark... no point. Let's move on.

    "That part with the controller was moronic, wouldn't it make more sense to have robotic thumbs?"
    Robotic thumbs, huh? So apparently a Turbo controller wasn't good enough for the guy anymore? I didn't need a controller for a hand to beat Super C... only youth; it's been a few years, I'm getting rusty.

    "But Bores wanted to show his "Elite Photoshop Skills" and why he's better then everyone else because he has high-end editing software."
    High-end software, low-end quality. In fact, I've probably seen better photo-manipulations done with a box of crayons.

    "Real men don't use cheats."
    True, but according to Binford Tools and the Home Improvement video game, real men don't use instructions either.

    "Really though Super C is easier then the first game, people have beat it without getting a Game Over."
    Agreed. Like I said, I've beaten the game a couple times myself - albeit years ago when my fingers were stiff as crap. And that was long before I knew about any codes.

    "Okay you got three down..."
    Hey, man. You asked a question, I gave an answer.

    "...but the point is that nobody cares if the characters are different."
    It seems like I care with that answer, but I really don't. I just read the instruction manual... or something. I could have just said "Spreader, Homing Missile, and Machine Gun." Those are the only three I usually care about in a Contra game, anyway.

    "Though Contra Force has more problems then 'different characters.'"
    Yeah, the game's slow as molasses and not fun. And why didn't IG keep the Unwise Sage Person Guy around to play Contra Force?

    "The Galaga Bits ... just stupid."
    Yes... yes, it is...... I just don't get it.

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  4. I couldn't find out who you meant by "that manly chick from IGN (...) who reviewed GTA IV and Sonic Unleashed", these reviews all seemed to have been written by different people, all of them male. Could you elaborate?

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  5. Not to mention that there's NO invincibility code in the Game Genie codebook for Contra Force.

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