Sunday, July 26, 2009

Contra: Bores is a complete wuss

I’m fucked. There’s no way I will make it through this one. I mean, he’s reviewing Contra, one of the most beloved games for the NES. Since he thought great games like Ninja Turtles II, Zombies Ate my Neighbors and Super Mario Bros. 2 are utter shit… *gulps and sighs*

Let’s grab our Spread-Gun and get going.

0:20 – 0:26: We get a title card set to the Contra intro music as IG and what looks like Obi-Wan Kenobi on crack taking the places of the Contra guys. Well I will give him credit; he got another person into this shit instead of wearing another mask. It only took 14 episodes, you get a gold star.

0:42 – 0:52: While explaining the popularity of the game (AKA Wikipedia facts) he lists off the guns and calls the Spreader “The Spray Gun.” At this point I’d say “read the manual you twat” but in a minute or so you’ll see why I’m not saying that. Oh and he does an unnecessary green-screen effect where he’s shooting a gun from the game.

1:00 – 1:03: “Even though this game was awesome, it still had its share of flawls.” His definition of flaws being miniscule annoyances that do NOT in anyway detract from the value of the game. So yes this is going to be painful.

1:05: “Where’s the backstory to this game?” Shoot me now.

1:07 – 1:26: He begins to question why he’s fighting there and if there’s a reason to it. He notes that there could be an explanation in the manual but says no one reads those, and he follows that by saying “I can’t waste my time reading about a game, I just gotta play it” as he throws handfuls of manuals into the air. Where the fuck do I start with this? Here’s the thing, it’s an 8-Bit Nintendo game the story is almost always in the manual. If you can’t spend 10 seconds reading the god damn story then why should you even bitch about it? Also, many people read the instruction manuals to find out the story. By saying you don’t have time to read them shows you suffer from severe ADD (and you’ll soon see I’m not kidding with this). This also does explain his bitching in past videos about the lack of story, he doesn’t read the manual. You call yourself an old-school gamer and yet you claim that the instruction manual isn’t important. That was the only source outside of magazines and crazy friends to learn about the game.

I’m only 90 seconds in and I want to stab my hand. I thought I got over that urge.

1:27 – 2:13: After his whining about manuals, he notes it’s obvious what the objective is from the title of the game (not really) and begins to wonder what happened before. So he re-enacts what he thinks happened where the Pentagon receives word about terrorists and Bores in a mustache orders to wake the president (with some of the WORST acting possible). He then shows the “8-Bit Translation” but stops because it’s too painful.

*reaches for knife but stops* So cockjuggler you don’t want to find out the story from the manual but you want to make your own awful story up because you think you’re so fucking special! What right do you have to make your own Contra Fanfiction when it already has an established story? Is this your way of padding out time? Why do you piss me off so much?! WHY DO YOU PISS EVERYONE OFF SO MUCH?! BLOOD RAPE MURDER KILL SDFSDF *static* I didn’t think I’d come back anytime soon. Sheesh we’re only 2 minutes in and he’s going crazy. Give us a few minutes.

2:16 – 2:31: He questions the story AGAIN asking why they’d only send 2 troops. Then he tries to make a joke saying the one who did it was Gomer Pyle and does a GOD-AWFUL impression of him.

2:54 – 3:18: Bores mentions the many weapons upgrades but says to avoid the Laser because pressing the button over and over only lets it travel a few feet (Urge to Kill Rising). He notes to “avoid it like the fucking plague” and getting it will kill you. Which prompts him to do a lame sprite joke where touching the Laser Icon kills him (boooooo!) I quoted the plague line because that’s a well-known catchphrase of former angry reviewer Armake21 (I say former because he’s too busy with good games). But the laser is FAR from worthless. The trick is to press the button once to let it travel, because pressing it again will restart the fire making it very opposed to button-mashers/Turbo users.

3:18 – 3:44: Speaking of Turbo Controllers. IG bitches that your thumb will hurt because you have to press the B Button over and over. This prompts a “joke” where he mashes the button repeatedly causing his controller to catch fire and explode (Hey that’s not funny!) So he cries “Well shit, looks like I’m gonna need a Turbo Controller.” Wow, what a pussy. If you really have been playing for 20 years then you wouldn’t NEED a Turbo Controller.

3:44 – 4:02: Here he says Single-Player is pretty much impossible because of the large amount of enemies. Look at the gameplay, he’s not even TRYING! He’s only firing a few shots at a time and dying on purpose. Again, he’s intentionally making the game look worse then it is.

4:02 – 4:25: Because he likes to pad for time he does ANOTHER montage! At the end of it he throws his controller and cries “This game is too freakin’ hard!” Fuck you, go play Barbie’s Horse Adventures if you don’t want a challenge. If you were a true gamer you wouldn’t complain about the difficulty in CONTRA!

At least with Contra the difficulty is balanced out with great control and good graphics. Let’s look at a couple of games the AVGN has reviewed, Silver Surfer and Dragon’s Lair. In Silver Surfer everything kills you in one hit, literally. Because the walls kill you there are parts of the game where it’s hard to tell between a wall and the background making it hard to pass through. In Dragon’s Lair everything kills you in one hit, and it’s hard to progress because the controls are terrible. What I’m saying is that Contra is the good kind of hard game, the kind you want to keep playing to win!

4:25 – 4:50: Bores is about to give up when… Oh God. The Obi-Wan Kenobi on crack appears and tells him to “Use the Code Luke.” You know Star Wars references are only funny when relevant, which lately seems to be NEVER! Bores thanks “The Wise Sage” and tells him he’s not Luke which I’m guessing was some joke but I can’t tell because he lacks any semblance of humor.

4:50: “What is this code you ask?” Its official, he takes his audience for idiots. The only people who wouldn’t know the code are the commoners that drifted from Shane Dawson, Michael Fuckley, or Fred to your horseshit page. By the way, the code is “Up Up Down Down Left Right Left Right B A Start” and if you didn’t know this then get off my page.

4:58: “This code is considered infamous, among most old-school gamers out there” *sees the T-Shirts and merchandise* Thank you Captain Obvious.

5:04 – 5:24: Bores attempts to make entering the code “epic” by doing it to music and raising his arms in triumph or rather “Yaaay I did it! I went to the potty all by myself!” He notices it doesn’t work and being the tard he is, realizes he needs to be on the Start-Up Screen. These jokes are physically painful, like Dane Cook painful.

5:28 – 5:44: Hey kids! It’s time for another Chris Bores joke! “It might also be a good idea to have a second-player helping out; I’ll just get one of my friends to play. Hey Guys!” We cut to stock photos of empty areas as he ‘calls out for his friends’ and realizes “Maybe I should get some friends first.” *crickets* Wow even the kids didn’t find that one funny, in fact they look thirsty for blood. OH F- *static* Don’t worry Daniel I’ll save you! *rat-tat-tat-tat-tat-tat-tat* YOU VULTURES! DIE DIE DIE!

Let’s not talk about that again. A BIG LIPPED ALLIGATOR MOMENT! *stares* Moving on.

5:44 – 5:54: The Wise Sage returns to help out and attempts a “badass pose” by lowering his hood and wearing sunglasses. I think I’ve figured out why Bores doesn’t get other people in his videos, they’re horrible actors (not to mention the Sage has mentioned on YouTube he hates the Irate Gamer’s videos, well not directly but I get the feeling he does).

6:00 – 6:14: He begins “praising” the game saying the coolest feature is the 2-Player mode. Wow it’s like he just discovered friends! Next time maybe he’ll learn about online gaming! Ooooh won’t that be a treat.

6:35 – 6:55: Bores mentions how unique the level bosses are and wonders what they’ll get for Level 3. They see an alien and suddenly “horror music” begins playing and they get “surprised” reactions. My God these reactions SUCK! There’s a difference between faking surprise and “faking surprise.” They’re doing the latter.

WARNING: The following scene has erupted Daniel into a volcano of rage. Run as fast as you can.

6:55 – 7:15: “Now just wait a minute here. There are aliens in this game? What the shit? I thought I was fighting a terrorist war, now I’m fighting an alien war?” *Indecipherable Rage* YOU WOULD KNOW THIS IF YOU READ THE MANUAL! This isn’t a big surprise IN THE SLIGHTEST! This changes NOTHING about the game! If this was an attempt at a joke then YOU NEED TO GET A FUCKING IDEA ON HOW TO WRITE HUMOR! Gaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! He tries to make up for this saying “I should have looked at the box a little bit closer.” YOU ARE A MOTHERFUCKING RETARD! How could ANYONE be this stupid? Were you trying to be funny? WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?

7:43 – 7:58: Bores and The Sage Douche reach the final level (game genie sure is good huh) and IG begins to whine about the “cotton ball enemies” saying they don’t leave you alone blah blah blah. Dude shoot the giant mouths that SPIT them, they aren’t that bad.

The review FINALLY ends with Bores beating the game and noting how the “Universe is saved” and states “I didn’t know this was a battle of such epic porportions” Yes I found ANOTHER mispronounced word. To people that think these “flubs” are part of his accent, he’s from Ohio. No one talks like that.

He tries to make this a “cliffhanger” saying the aliens will return in Super C and adding a “24 parody” with the mustache Bores and Sage Douche looking for “Luke.” So what have we learned about Contra? I don’t know did he review it? Actually I learned that Bores knows NOTHING and is a complete hack! Oh but the Contra torture isn’t over because next time we’ll look at “Part 2” where he “reviews” Super C and Contra Force. At least I’m alive.

9 comments:

  1. Jacob041593 (aka RETARD Gamer) did a few videos on Irate's fail-filled Contra and Super C videos.

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  2. I don't get it. Why use Game Genie when you have the Konami Code?

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  3. Yawn. This review was honestly far more boring than his was.

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  4. I award your trolling attempt a mere .5 out of a possible 10. Good try. Keep it up, and maybe some day you'll have the chops to really annoy people into giving a shit about your pitiable existence.

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  5. "These jokes are physically painful, like Dane Cook painful."

    Even Dane Cook has his funny moments, usually written. His blog complaining about the poster for My Best Friend's Girl was genuinely amusing.

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  6. Actually, the Japanese version of Contra has a intro.

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  7. Hilarious, these reviews are so much more well thought out, written, and funnier than Irate Gamer's!!

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