*Gulps down a mood-stabilizer* I don’t see how this can get any worse. His Super Mario Bros. 2 review was the equivalent of stuffing your head into a stone oven while a Big Guy named Bubba rapes you. Yet somehow I can see this getting worse. Let’s just breathe and break-down his review of MUSCLE on the NES.
0:22: Throwing games into a garbage can. Get it they’re so bad they belong in the garbage? *takes another pill*
0:27: “Is there anything worse then the game MUSCLE? I mean what the fuck is a muscle?” *blank stare* Wow, I can honestly say without hesitation that is the most retarded statement I’ve ever heard. We’re off to a good start huh guys?
0:45 – 0:47: “These little guys came from a show called MUSCLE” WRONG! It was a Japanese cartoon called Kinnikuman that was based off a Japanese comic of the same name. He tries to make up for this flub by noting this in the description box, but this is something that can be fixed by over-looking your script and spending 2 minutes in Google.
0:53 – 1:06: IG begins to rant on the cartoon never airing in the states and that someone should have gotten fired for releasing the toys. *facepalm* By that logic someone should have gotten fired for Americanizing the Super Sentai series into Power Rangers. During this rant the camera angle is different to show a pot in the background with a Piranha Plant sprite from Mario. Is this supposed to be a joke or something? Is he just showing more of his “Gamer Prowess” or something IT BOGGLES MY MIND! He ends the rant with “I need to go back in time again.” Wait, is he trying to keep continuity? If he is then he should have no knowledge of going back in time as he was WIPED OUT OF EXISTENCE! Enough of this, let’s move on.
1:17 – 1:24: After explaining you only get 8 characters (which is a lot for an NES game mind you) he comments this is before NBA Jam or Mortal Kombat and their Hidden Characters or something. This comparison is needed how?
1:33 – 1:50: IG begins to comment on how the characters are lame compared to the toys. You think these characters are in the game because of their role in the anime you dumb prick? GOD HE EVEN NOTES THIS BUT STILL FINDS IT STUPID! Because he wanted the big robot or giant hand or some other bullshit toy…
1:51 – 2:11: He notes that playing the game sucks because you’re limited to a few things and that “There’s no special moves, or combo moves.” *explodes* Dude, did you even play this game? First off, there’s no combo moves because this is an 8-Bit NES game, hell it’s a wrestling game so don’t expect Killer Instinct! Also every character has a special move that is obtained when that guy at the top sends out an orb for one player to catch. Seriously dude if you want people to take you seriously know your fucking shit! *looks at Where’s Waldo review and shakes head*
2:12 – 2:33: IG questions his audience if he’s being too hard on this game, so he gets a “second opinion” from a “pro wrestler.” As he brings up a special guest (oh no) and… a Maplestory Sprite are you shitting me? This is your special guest? What does this have to do with MUSCLE or Kinnikuman? It’s a sprite from a terrible online game! Oh and it gets worse, Tony (the sprites name) has a catchphrase that Bores wants all his fans to repeat over and over “Bang-a-Lang.” I would like to find the red-headed stepchildren that found this funny and shove a spike through their throat onto a wall. Let’s just keep going.
2:49 – 3:43: After commenting on the lack of sound, he notes that there should be announcers and… Good Lord what is he doing? He uses footage from TV Wrestling and sits in front of his GOD DAMN GREEN SCREEN pretending to be an announcer for the game. Do I even have to rant on this?
3:52 – 4:06: After noting the game is multiplayer, he asks the sprite (what the fuck) if he wants to play. So Tony begins ranting on the lack of pyrotechnics and Intro Music. I’m sorry but what year was this game made? Again this was based off an anime that took a different take on wrestling instead of the overblown WWE dances. Oh and the sprite does his catch-phrase again and laughs… by the way this is Chris Bores doing the voice so he’s laughing at his own joke. I’m now convinced he is mentally disabled.
4:20 – 4:31: ‘This is the only screen you’ll be staring at the entire game.” Again he shows he didn’t play this game for more then 2 minutes, because there are Ice Arenas, and an Electric Arena with booby-trapped ropes.
4:49 – 5:10: He begins talking about Pro Wrestling on the NES and how much better it is. I should remind the readers Pro Wrestling came out a year after MUSCLE in both Japan and the US. Also he only focuses on the graphics here and doesn’t even mention the popular “A Winner is You!” It’s almost done IT’S ALMOST DONE!
5:10 – 5:29: Now he begins talking about Ring King (seriously you’re going to do this joke?) and how much better it looks then MUSCLE. *Stares* One, Ring King is a boxing game and Two it came out AFTER MUSCLE! Then he does the old tired joke of the sprites giving and receiving blowjobs. Yeah, like this joke hasn’t been done a million times before. Seriously no one would know of this game without I-Mockery and that’s been around for ages. Let’s just try and finish this.
5:30 – 5:42: IG points out the Nintendo Seal of Quality on the box but bitches that it shouldn’t be there because the game sucks. I want you to go to Gamestop and tell me if a large majority of those Wii or DS titles deserve that seal. I’ll wait.
The review finally ends with Bores giving a “This is the most *blah blah blah*” line about the game (Gee this sounds familiar *gets hit* Alright Alright) and throws the game out where I presume a Garbage Pail Kid tells him to keep the Trash out. After seeing the Nostalgia Critic’s review of GPK nothing can make them funny.
So what have we learned about MUSCLE? Well that the graphics suck and that’s about it. I would like to thank BigAl2k6 for almost all the debunking facts and an honest look at the game. BigAl is a real gamer and a big fan of Kinnikuman so he’s pretty reliable.
I should note that Chris Bores released a second version of this review that’s shorter in length. I’m not exactly sure what’s different but I’m not going to torture myself to find out. Now, before I break-down his next review, the next installment will be about two things that Chris Bores would like to forget about. A mysterious Thank You video that’s been taken down and his letter to James Rolfe AKA The Angry Video Game Nerd.