Thursday, August 27, 2009

A Commercial and a film "reveiw" What else is new?

Man it’s been a while hasn’t it? I’m feeling much better and Bores is still a moron.
I’m going to skip his Star Trek and E3 videos because I don’t feel like watching them, and I’ll wait until he uploads his Boom Blox review to YouTube because watching videos on GottGame is like using RealPlayer.

Instead I’ll cover two smaller videos that are both utterly awful.

The first is a commercial for an NES Clone from the website thinkgeek. Yes another video where Chris Bores whores himself out and disguises it as a review.

He goes on about it being “awesome” and how you can plug it into a TV. Bores notes that he mistakes the reset button for the Select Button even though their nowhere close together, and he’s playing Mega Man to show this. Even though the only reason to use the Select Button in that game is to Pause it and YOU KNOW WHAT screw it.

Bores then lists off the games the Retro Mini can play pointing to “Tengen Games, Unlicensed games” neglecting to mention that Tengen games are unlicensed. Then tries to joke “Games sent from Heaven” and jump-cuts Bible Adventures into it. I’m sorry you have Heaven confused with Hell because Bible Adventures is a horrible game.

After noting it can’t play Castlevania III (a common problem in NES Clones) he says “Now there are some ‘drawlbacks’ to this thing” Yeah he still fucks up his “-aw” words.

He notes one “drawlback” is the inability to play light-gun games. No shit Sherlock those games were meant for a TV Screen. Then he asks if it works with ROB… gee if it doesn’t work for Light-Guns WHY WOULD IT WORK FOR ROB? He actually tests it… what a douche.

Bores ends the commercial saying he hopes for a portable Atari one day, because playing games with pixel counts in the double-digits would make a perfect handheld clone. USE YOUR BRAIN YOU SACK OF CRAP! By the way he shows an Atari 7800 when referencing Atari, no comment. What about the battery life Chris? An important factor of a handheld is long battery life. What about the lack of portability? The NES Carts are bigger then the system itself so it’s not exactly portable.

Could you be anymore of a whore Chris Bores? Well I’ll give him brownie points for not using Shane Dawson’s method of prostitution where he begs people for 5 Stars and believes any publicity is good publicity.

I should note that a couple weeks before this video he reported his Hard Drive crashed and he lost all of his work. I instantly called bullshit because he never gave a specific time-stamp just “over the weekend.” Plus he couldn’t back the files up to a thumb drive or some storage device? If these videos are important to your income then why wouldn’t you back them up? This “commercial” was something he threw together because… *tries looking for the answer but doesn’t find one* because he’s a whore.

The second video is a film “review” of GI Joe: The Rise of Cobra. Since Bores has a boner for everything GI Joe I’m going to expect a glowing review.

IG starts by saying he noticed the feedback was like X-Men Origins: Wolverine and split down the middle. What reviews are you reading? There were more people that hated Wolverine then people that liked it. Also it wasn’t mixed with GI Joe the response was overwhelmingly negative. Hell people who weren’t even fans knew it was crap from the commercials!

He notes the story isn’t as deep as “The Dark Knight” you know I’m surprised he could sit through The Dark Knight since it sounds like he hates anything with a real story (Watchmen). His only problem was the amount of characters… really?

Again he doesn’t explain why these things are good or bad. He says there’s too many characters but doesn’t say why that’s a problem. Bores doesn’t even give a synopsis of the story, he just said “it wasn’t deep.” Really Bores you can’t review movies, stop trying.

People go watch The Cinema Snob, SpoonyOne, the Nostalgia Critic, or hell James Rolfe’s film reviews for Spike TV’s website. They’re actual film reviews worth watching and they review films worth seeing (mostly films that you should avoid).

I should point out in the description for the GI Joe review he says his Transformers: RotF and Harry Potter film reviews are on his Hard Drive and he can’t post them yet. Seriously you can’t even remake them? You can’t spend 10 minutes in Windows Movie Maker with pictures, a microphone, and a script that consists of the same 3 lines you use in EVERY REVIEW?

Other then these two videos the Irate Gamer released nothing, except for some more Ghost Hunting garbage but if I wanted to be bored out of my skull I’d watch C-SPAN. Because of this I’m not sure what I’ll write next time but it’s good to be back!

Sunday, August 9, 2009

White Goku, Wolverine in a Hole, and WESKER!

We’re near the end of his videos, only a few more reviews to go! So let’s not waste anymore time and finish this!

His review of Dragonball Evolution, since Bores thought this would be the “greatest film ever” since his first moronic Top 10 list I have a feeling IG is going to gush over this garbage.

IG starts off saying the film was disappointing because the script was written for young children. Really, your biggest complaint with this film was the childish script? People I don’t consider myself a big manga and anime fan but anyone can tell that Dragon Ball was created for kids! It was in “Weekly Shonen Jump” a magazine targeted to young boys in Japan!

It “baffled” him since the fans of Dragon Ball are in their 20s and 30s… and those real fans stayed far FAR away from this film. Bores says a fan wrote to him (that’s cute he still thinks he has fans) saying this film resembled a Power Rangers movie and he’s right. Okay I know this film is utter garbage but how is it like Power Rangers? God even when he does a bad movie he still confuses and annoys me.

Bores then points out the character changes, citing that Bulma shouldn’t have guns (actually she had a pistol in the very first chapter when she met Goku), Yamcha shouldn’t look like a surfer, and Master Roshi looking nothing like his “comic book counterpart.” Dude if you really were hyped for this film you would’ve known Chow Yun-Fat was playing Roshi, you just continue to lie all the time it’s not healthy. By the way “Comic Book Counterpart” look I don’t know when the first translation of Dragon Ball arrived in the states but last I checked everyone learned about the series from DBZ and Toonami. Just stop lying Chris and you’ll get a little more respect.

Then IG starts ranting that this would’ve been a good film under the right director and could’ve been as epic as Lord of the Rings. You know I’m running out of ways to say Bores is mentally deficient, how could he not see this movie would suck? In his Top 10 List from 09 he commented this is how he would’ve directed the film, proving once again he’s a lying sack of shit always pretending that he has an idea on what he’s talking about.

His next review is X-Men Origins: Wolverine, IG has said on multiple occasions he’s a big comic book fan so I’m guessing we’ll get a negative review right? Right?

Oh my fucking God he thinks this movie was good and not just Iron Man good but The Dark Knight good. He says the plot was solid (BULLSHIT), the characters were well-developed (what movie were you watching? The characters had like 2-3 minutes each, it was all on Hugh Jackman), and it was all well-done giving the movie an A+. What the hell is wrong with you? This movie was utter garbage it strayed very far from the comics, ruined established continuity, and felt like a bad fan-fiction.

Bores continues with the fellatio saying the ending battle was awesome and had you begging for more. You can’t be serious, the fight with BarakaPool? He can’t be this utterly stupid he just can’t. “I couldn’t have asked for a better movie” that’s it, the world is over. Pack up your bags we’re leaving.

IG continues on saying all the characters were great… dude they were in the movie for 2-3 minutes. They were just shoved in there for fan-service to appeal to morons like you! He comments the film was “All That and a Bag of Potato Chips” are you stuck in the 90s? Who the hell says that? This is like “Getting Jiggy with It” in the ROB review it’s something people don’t like to remember.

He ends the video saying “it’s one of the best comic book movies I’ve ever seen.” I don’t know anymore guys, I don’t get why his mother would let him have a video camera. It’s like Spax3’s mother; people know he’s not right in the head so why would she indulge his stupidity?

Well we’re on to his second-to-last game review (so far) and this one really pisses me off. His review of Resident Evil 5 on the 360 and the only evil we’ll be seeing is IG’s terrible gaming skills. For the record I’ve played through the entirety of RE5 and it’s not a bad game, it’s not as good as RE4 but it’s still a lot of fun.

0:20 – 0:31: IG announces he’s going to switch gears and review the fans top requests (all 2 of them) and the next couple of months will be to the fans.

0:32: “This month, I’m reviewing Resident Evil 5” wait didn’t he just say the next couple of months will be all fan requests? By saying “this month” that either implies very few fan requests or another contradiction that could’ve been fixed by looking over your script.

0:32 – 0:40: After announcing that he’s reviewing RE5 he starts the game and the voice says “Resident Evil…5” and, I’m not kidding, Bores responds “Uhh thanks buddy I just said that.” How could you consider that a legitimate joke? Every Resident Evil game does that it’s not a humorous subject that’s easy to parody, unlike the bad voice acting and use of Healing Herbs. Seriously though not even 9 year olds would find that garbage funny!

0:41 – 0:54: Bores attempts to explain the concept of Resident Evil and according to him it’s “Go around shooting the shit out of zombies.” You moron the goal is to survive, in the original games you had very little ammo and inventory space so running was very important. The fifth game tries to bring that back and use the successful engine from RE4.

0:55 – 1:06: IG starts talking about the story and he couldn’t be anymore WRONG! “Terrorists have gotten the drug that turns people into zombies” where do I start with this? The zombies weren’t infected with a drug, it was a virus created by the Umbrella Corporation to create super-humans for a new world. The T-Virus isn’t in this game though it’s the Las Plagas parasite from the fourth game along with the bio-organic Uroboros weapon. These don’t turn them into zombies; they turn into the Majini and use strategy to attack you instead of walking mindlessly devouring your flesh.

According to Bores the “Terrorists Plan” is to unleash the drug into a small African village YOU ARE INCORRECT MORON! You’re in Africa to find a black market dealer named Ricardo Irving; you just start out in a small African village. God I’m barely into this video and there’s so much wrong already.

1:07 – 1:25: He continues going through the story, saying you play as “a guy named Chris.” Yes he doesn’t use his last name or reference that he was the hero from the first Resident Evil. You meet your partner (he doesn’t give a name) and meet with a stranger (your contact) that looks like an obscure Star Wars character only seen in the expanded universe. Wow, more references that your 10 year old viewers won’t get. Way to reach to the audience dumb fuck!

1:33 – 1:49: IG says the game stays true to form as he “felt a rush of adrenaline, scared to find out what’s behind the corner.” God damn it this game isn’t even scary! Most of it takes place in broad daylight or well-illuminated areas, there’s no tension in it. One game that delivers a good scare is Dead Space, a desolate space station full of mutated freaks and very dark corridors.

He tries to drive this “scary game” point further with a failed joke involving The Grimace popping out and “scaring him.” At this point I don’t even care; I’m nearly done with these videos and just want to stop the madness.

1:49 – 2:05: Bores compliments the graphics saying they “looked so life-like” and he just gawked at the facial expressions (note when he says facial expressions the camera is on Sheva), then he praises the “realistic movements” calling them “very cool.” Something about that part pisses me off but I don’t know why…

2:06 – 2:16: “Being a film director myself, I appreciate the time that went into these scenes.” WHAT THE FUCKING ASS CUNT FUCK? This isn’t a film it’s a video game! You have no clue what went into it, you shut your whore mouth or I will find you and record all your lies for the Internet exposing you as a bigger fraud then now!

2:22: When he points out the “complicated controls” (bullshit) we cut a shot of his controller that happens to be turned off. There’s nothing I can say here other then EPIC FAIL!

2:24 – 2:36: He comments this isn’t a “pick-up and play” game saying he had trouble a couple hours in. Except it shows him on the first fucking level! Couple hours my ass that’s like 20 minutes in the game!

2:37 – 2:50: IG moans that even on amateur he still had trouble defeating the first boss, wow you fucking suck at this. He’s not even fighting the boss correctly he’s running up and trying to shoot him instead of using the environment to his advantage.

2:51: Ladies & Gentlemen the Irate Gamer will sum up his gaming skills in one sentence! “Why couldn’t the easy setting just be a little more easier?” *cheers from the crowd* There you have it folks, the Irate Gamer in one sentence! Isn’t it beautiful?

IG ends the review saying it’s not a pick up & play game but it has a lot of blood & gore. Moron you didn’t even beat the game, thus your opinion is wrong and you fail at life.

This review was fucking horrible, there’s so much wrong it’s scary. Whether it’s his complaints on the controls, completely getting the story wrong, the shot of his turned off controller, or complaining the game was too hard. No mention of the crippled AI, the online co-op, or the stupidly difficult inventory system. Fuck You.

Right now I just want to focus more on finishing these off and saving this blog for the next video IG releases (if there is a new video). Next Time his Star Trek film review, my rant on his trip to E3 (yes the fat fuck went to E3) and attempting to analyze his Boom Blox Bash Party review (the keyword being attempt).

Hey, the next rant will be the last for a while so I hope you enjoyed these. I will release a “Oops I Missed That” section after the next rant containing errors from IG’s videos I didn’t point out. After that I’ll just relax until Bores stops being a lazy idiot and releases a new video.

Sonic can move, Nicholas Cage sucks, and failed History

Okay three reviews on the block today so let’s hurry and finish them all.

His review of Sonic Unleashed on the 360, I haven’t played Unleashed yet but the reactions are very mixed. Some absolutely hate the Werehog God of War-esque stages, some say they’re a fun addition, and the few out there that adore the entire game. However Bores did the same thing as IGN and only played a few levels quickly declaring the game as crap.

0:23 – 0:30: “I was always a big fan of the Sonic games” You’re such a fucking liar Chris, if you claim to have grown up with Nintendo you never played a Sonic game. “It didn’t feel the same once it jumped to 3-D” come on Sonic Adventure was awesome! SA2 was average and everything following that sucked but Adventure was a great game.

0:31 – 0:44: Shows the opening cutscene because it’s SO important to the actual game.

0:45 – 1:02: Bores explains the story while mispronouncing captured (keptured), and werewolf (werewoof). He doesn’t explain the actual details like the Chaos Emerald corruption or Dark Gaia. But really when has he explained the story details?

1:16 – 1:30: He comments the first two levels are great as they’re what Sonic games are all about “Speed Speed Speed.” Except the early Sonic games weren’t all about speed, there were platforming elements like the Marble Zone in the first game or the Blue Sphere mini-game from the third. You had to time it just right breaking up the monotony of speeding through the game.

1:31 – 1:44: Here comes the bitching, IG starts moaning that the open-world hub stages suck. Hold on these are just the hub stages, you don’t have to spend a lot of time in them it’s there to transport from one level to the next. DUH!

1:44 – 2:13: Bores brings up the controversial Werehog stages (he doesn’t use Werehog but “Werewoof” yes he still can’t pronounce it) and if he wanted to hack n slash through enemies he’d play a fighting game. Wait a fighting game, as in Street Fighter or Soul Calibur? Those games are nothing like the Werehog stages, a far more acceptable comparison would’ve been God of War, Devil May Cry, or Ninja Gaiden. YOU LOSE! GOOD DAY SIR!

Oh and he says Sonic games should only be about speed and nothing else. Yeah he never played a Sonic game he needs to shut up.

2:14 – 2:33: IG continues to complain this time about the flying stages saying they have nothing to do with Sonic (except they were in Sonic 2 on the Genesis one of the GOLDEN AGE games you fat fuck) and whines about pressing the correct buttons. Awww what’s the matter Bores your weak mind can’t keep up with two simple buttons?

2:34 – 2:52: Bores continues with this stage saying the boss sucks because “his health meter is too long” and it’s hard to deplete it. So you’re complaining about the boss being harder then the regular enemies? *brain breaks* SLIPKNOT IS KEWL I LOVE HOT TOPIC TWLIGHT IS THE BEEEEST BOOK EVER BECAUSE IT’S SHINY VAMPIRES COOKIES *slaps self* Of course the boss is going to have a long health meter IT’S A FUCKING BOSS!

3:00 – 3:18: He says if you can get online with your “video game console” (note how he doesn’t say a specific one while showing his 360, I guess he thinks the Wii can do that… god damn it I hate this) then you can download the demo having the “best level in the entire game.” God it’s like he discovered the free online demos, did he just get an Xbox 360 the day before making that video? Also the first two levels are NOT the only speed levels, but you wouldn’t know that since you’re a lazy motherfucker that requires Game Genie and Emulators on everything WHY DO YOU PISS ME OFF SO MUCH?

3:18: “Why couldn’t they just make the entire game like the first two levels?” Because it would have been beaten in 2-3 hours, that’s not a good length when you’re paying $60 dollars, and again there are more levels like the first two you’re not a gamer stop lying and go fuck yourself.

Wow this review was horrible; he didn’t even play the entire game JUST LIKE HILARY GOLDSTEIN OF IGN! How is it Bores doesn’t understand why he gets the large amount of hate he has?

Moving on to his review of the Nicholas Cage film Knowing, and again he titles it wrong as “The Knowing.” By the way this video was released one month after his Sonic Unleashed review, just another sign of Chris Bores being a lazy fatass.

Meh just another boring movie review with the same “It was cool” statements without reasons why it was good. Oh and Reverse Funny Aneurysm Moment with the “date night” line, good luck trying to find a new girl Chris everyone has pinned you as a crook and only crazy women like that sort of thing.

After a long wait the Irate Gamer finally released his newest episode, The History of Gaming Part 1. Yes the man that believes the Genesis came out after the SNES and Turtles in Time was only on Super Nintendo is going to teach us the history of gaming. This is going to royally suck pig testicles.

Boredom sets in immediately with Bores showing random game footage and speaking in his awkward voice about “The popularity and hardships of gaming” and to find out the truth they need to “start at the beginning.” Face it Bores your credibility is hanging by a thin piece of string this last attempt to prove you’re a gamer is not going to help.

Wikipedia Quotes!

You’ve got to be kidding he’s actually reviewing Spacewar (at least a recreated flash version)! Dude you don’t have to review the actual game just give a little back story and move on to the next thing. That’s how a history lesson works in a video format you moron!

IG talks about the star in the center having gravity for some reason; well that’s what it was made for dumbfuck. I don’t believe this, when he starts explaining the hyperspace mode he greenscreens himself into a ship to “simulate” the speed. Is this why this crappy video took 3 months to make? So you could make a greenscreen effect that has no purpose in a review of a game made in 1961?! Oh and he hits the star using the SAME EXPLOSION EFFECT! My God Chris you’ve been doing this for over two years now and you still use the same cheap explosion effect!

His response “How come this stuff never happens to Captain Kirk” *cue annoying laughtrack* I bet Bores hears a laughtrack in his head, that does explain why he pauses at the end of his jokes.

More Wikipedia Quotes!

“Now believe it or not, there were two different versions of Computer Space made” Wow thanks for the useless info, are you going to review this game as well? Stupid joke time! Listing off the cabinet colors he ends on “Bob Uecker” wow this humor is just cheap. Tim & Eric make better jokes then this crap!

He keeps adding sound effects that aren’t in the game, special effects and different sounds won’t mask your dull personality Chris. Next he plays a 2-Player game and loses 2 to 64 (the latter number from the timer) and forces out a “shocked reaction.” He was playing with the Devil Bores OKAY this still isn’t funny stop pretending it is!

Bores ends Part 1 announcing the next video will be on the Magnavox Odyssey and thus the shit has hit the fan.

This video came out May 8th 2009, and a couple weeks before that on April 21st the AVGN reviewed the Magnavox Odyssey so people were pissed. I should mention that a few days before IG releases an episode he puts out a teaser of said episode (yeah I don’t get it either) and this is where the next pattern of bullshit begins.

One of the first comments mentioned the AVGN just reviewed the Odyssey and Bores responds “Did he? I’d have no idea, I don’t watch him.” Really now, you didn’t know at all? You didn’t see the hundreds of comments on the teaser video saying things like “Are you going to rip-off AVGN and review the Odyssey you hack?” These kinds of comments were deleted from your page you’re just going to deny them? You dishonest sack of crap!

The lies don’t end there, Bores has said on multiple occasions he’s friends with James Rolfe yet he’s not subscribed to him and he denies watching his videos. Wow Chris you’re a nice friend STOP LYING YOU PILE OF SHIT!
Also this video doesn’t help in IG’s case:
I believe that’s not an alt account considering how Bores capitalizes the word “irate” in his name. In conclusion with everything the Irate Gamer says piles on more evidence that he’s a lying bastard.

If it makes you guys feel better it’s been 3 months since Part 1 and there’s very little news on the next one. This series came and went like those “breakfast rants” and I couldn’t be happier.
Next Time on Irate Gamer Sucks his film reviews of Dragonball Evolution and X-Men Origins: Wolverine, along with a review of Resident Evil 5. See ya next time.

Friday, August 7, 2009

The Summer of Zero 9 and Alan Moore's Pride & Joy

The next “official” Irate Gamer episode appeared 3 months after his Aladdin review and like the last time there were other videos. So Irate Gamer Sucks is going to look through his Top 10 Summer Movies of 09 and his review of Watchmen the movie.

The list is split into two parts like last time despite the total length being 6 Minutes and 1 Second (lazy lazy lazy).

Number 10: Night at the Museum: Battle of the Smithsonian
Of course Bores doesn’t use the subtitle, just “Night at the Museum 2.” He liked the first one and sees the hope for more characters, effects, and… well just characters and effects.

Number 9: Angels & Demons
Pfft HAHAHAHA this movie was utter garbage! Bores says this film is similar to National Treasure, The Da Vinci Code, and DuckTales. Yeah when I think of corruption in the Catholic Church I think DuckTales (blah). He doesn’t know the plot because he never read the book but thinks the film will be good since it’s from the same people behind The Da Vinci Code (this movie sucked as well moron).

Number 8: Watchmen
Hold on, Watchmen wasn’t a summer movie, it came out in March. He even acknowledges it’s not a summer movie… GAH. Bores confesses he never read “any of the Watchmen comics” (implying that it was an on-going series not a 12 Issue Epic) but has heard good things and says the movie will be good from the trailer. Man, wait until I get to the review itself that’s going to be a doozy.

Number 7: Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen
Hey he actually used the subtitle, too bad this movie was equal to the dog shit I stepped in last week. Bores’ two complaints with the first movie were indistinguishable robots and bad camera angles for the fight scenes and he hopes they fix it for this one, yeah that didn’t happen. He believes the film will have a solid plot (HAHAHAHA) and is excited for Devastator causing damage (except he was only there for 3 minutes).

Number 6: Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince
Or as Bores calls it “Harry Potter Movie 6” at least make an attempt to look professional you sack of lard. “Judging by the Movie Trailer, this one should be awesome.” To my readers, have you ever heard of Pan’s Labyrinth? A foreign fantasy film written and directed by Guillermo del Toro known for the Hellboy films and Mimic. The trailers made it out to be a fun family film but the actual film was a disturbing, violent, and very Grimm-esque Fairy Tale. This movie is the perfect example on why you should NEVER trust a trailer. Something Chris Bores always relies on.

I’m getting off track here let’s continue, he says there will be effects, action (as he shows a picture of Malfoy looking in a mirror), and all the characters. Yeah he didn’t explain why these are good he just said it. Are you even trying anymore?

Number 5: Knowing
Time to consult the Nicholas Cage Plot Generator! Seriously Bores why is your annunciation so bizarre? “Nicholas Cage finds a time capsule with a note IN IT… that foretells every disaster that’s going to happen” it’s like a kid on a sugar rush it’s just weird. He hopes it lives up the hype (that never existed).

Number 4: Star Trek
“I was never a big fan of the original series” yeah I’m not commenting on that. “But once I saw the movie trailer for this movie, I was blown away” I'll let that one sink in. He says the casting looks great (why) and with JJ Abrams it should be good (why?) At least explain why that stuff looks good don’t just say it’s going to be good and call it a day.

Number 3: X-Men Origins: Wolverine
Bores doesn’t use the “X-Men Origins” title for some odd reason. IG believes this movie will reveal the secret origin of Wolverine thinking it was never revealed in the comics. Yeah I’m going to direct you to the 2001 mini-series Origin that reveals his childhood and his date of birth. He whines about X-Men The Last Stand some more and thinks this one will be better… HAHAHAH NO!

Number 2: Dragon Ball Evolution
Really Bores? Last year you might have been excited with the only photos being studio shots but here we have trailers and actual photos from the film. How could you still think this would be good? “This will likely be the first installment of this epic adventure” BAHAHAHA he is retarded isn’t he? Oh it gets worse, he comments on the “hardcore fans” complaining about the changes but points out if he directed the movie this is what he would have done. Yeah you’re not a fan Bores quit lying you scam artist.

Number 1: G.I. Joe The Rise of Cobra
Whatever IG says here won’t have that much impact, GI Joe just came out today and the reception so far is mixed and there isn’t a big consensus so far. Oh found another mispronunciation, pictures is now “pichures.” Haha Bores believes this will be the biggest blockbuster of the summer just because it’s GI Joe. I’ll rebuttal that statement pointing out my sister had no idea GI Joe was an animated cartoon from the 80s so the only people that exclaimed DAY ONE are the hardcore fans.

IG ends it saying he’ll review all these movies, and as of 8/7/2009 he’s only reviewed 5 of them. Wow this was a really bad list, Chris Bores needs better taste in movies and not just comic book films or “over-the-top CGI effects” there are those movies that just rely on good old camera work, like The Hangover (I highly recommend this movie it’s fucking hilarious).

Skipping over more Ghost Hunting bullcrap we’ve reached his review of Watchmen, will it live up to the #8 spot? Look at the title by the way, “The Watchmen” there’s no “The” in the title you prick.

Opening Line: “I went and seen Watchmen on opening weekend” HAHAHA just like Ghosts N Goblins the use of poor grammar in the first line! HAHAHA

IG says people kept asking what he thought (again, stop saying you have fans it’s not working) and he thought it was “just okay.” I should remind you Bores never read the comic so many of the complaints are utter asspulls.

Bores whines that they put all the best scenes in the trailer making it look cooler then it was. Do I even have to explain EVERYTHING wrong with that? Of course the trailers were made to look cool THAT’S HOW THEY GET PEOPLE TO SEE THE MOVIE! WHY DO YOU PISS ME OFF SO MUCH? *crowd cheers*

Oh he knows that’s what they do with trailers but it still pissed him off, just like being annoyed at the jungle level in Home Improvement despite a legitimate explanation. God damn it.

IG starts to whine about the length saying they should have cut an hour out, does Bores know this is based off a very successful comic book with multiple plot elements intertwined into a long and enjoyable story? Zack Snyder did his best to capture the essence of the book but you can’t fit everything into a 2 and a Half Hour film! You’re complaining that there’s too much story when a real fan would normally complain about what was removed WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU? He ends this complaint saying there were too many speeches side-tracking from the plot, and he does know these “long speeches” were in the book right?

Bores starts ranting on the flashbacks complaining about the non-linear story structure and it leaves audiences confused. Dude the flashbacks happened like that because they happened in the BOOK! He calls himself a film director saying it’s important not to tell stories like that FUCK YOU! Oh it gets worse, after whining about the non-linear structure he says “It’s not as bad as Pulp Fiction.” Yeah, Chris Bores has the balls to bash Pulp Fiction because he couldn’t keep up with the story. YOU ARE NOT A FILM DIRECTOR BORES SHUT THE FUCK UP!

NOW he starts whining about the placement of the flashbacks, saying they should have been shown at the beginning of the movie and NOT as the book intended WH IDL:fasjfkl;asjkl;dl;zsdfj;ardjkl;asekl;sfj *static* I didn’t know a movie review would piss him off like this, we need sedatives and fast!

Rant on Dr. Manhattan’s blue pipe and how unnecessary it was, screw it he never read the book. He understands the message it conveyed but if the movie was shorter it would be more powerful, my question is WHAT MESSAGE? His final verdict says to just rent the movie because it was too long waaaaaah.

This review was … unbelievably bad, just jaw-dropping in how uninformed and rage-inducing it was. Nearly every comment yelled at him to read the book but Bores has severe ADD so I doubt that will happen.

Next time on Irate Gamer Sucks his review of Sonic Unleashed on the Xbox 360 (the first non-Nintendo game review since ET), a review of the movie Knowing, and Part 1 of the now defunct History of Video Games series, and yes he attempted to tell the History of Gaming, the man who believes the Genesis came out after the Super Nintendo.

Thursday, August 6, 2009

Bribery and Genies that can't Act

It’s been over 3 months since the Monster Party review, the haters waited for more parody material while the fans were chomping at the bit. To tide them over until the review came out, Bores held a contest giveaway. What do we win and how do we get it? Well let’s see this 48 second video for the answers.

Well to “give back to his fans” (Pfft) he’s giving away free T-shirts and DVDs, and all you have to do is subscribe and “someone” will pick random winners. Damn, Bores is a conniving douchebag. By cleaning out his backlog of unwanted shirts and DVDs he earns more subscribers that the public can’t see, how thoughtful, though a large amount of his subscribers are his haters and sockpuppet accounts.

Before releasing his next review he made a little video to announce the next episode and why it took so long. The reasons for the delay include the length as it’s a “Double-Sized Episode” (bullshit) and he acquired assistance for the effects delaying it longer (wouldn’t having more help mean less time?) He finally found someone stupid enough to draw a title card, or as he calls it “poster,” announcing the review as Aladdin for the Super Nintendo. More contest crap and phony thanks before closing out (this video had 3 cuts meaning this simple thank you video required multiple takes, what the fuck?)

One more thing, look at the shirt Bores is wearing. This video came out January 30th and the Aladdin review February 14th, I’m mentioning this because he wore the same shirt in both reviews. I’ll give a possible explanation at the end of this rant.

Theme: Bores decided to go with something different for this episode, a recolored Mega Man sprite running through different video game backgrounds set to an “8-Bit” rendition of his theme. I’m going to say something controversial, I’d rather see 200 Mary Sue recolored Sonic sprites then Mega Man altered to be Chris Bores. The animation on the sprite is very poor, kind of like an old sprite flash on Newgrounds. The intro ends with a “Start-Up Screen” and he chooses “Continue” hold on a sec, isn’t this the beginning of the review? Why does he need to AH FORGET IT!

0:31 – 1:24: Bores and The Sage Douche from Contra are in the desert, the Sage bought a map leading to treasure prompting IG to ‘joke’ “For a Wise Sage you sure have your fair share of dumbass attacks” and that’s not the worst of it folks. By the way this desert is just a slightly altered picture of the Windows Desktop “Red Moon Desert” showing even more laziness in his work.

Bores finds the Aladdin cartridge and starts cleaning it with his elbow (whaaa) wishing they could get back home and suddenly a special effect!

1:24 – 2:14: Oh they were being transported home by… a genie from the cartridge! This Genie is one of the absolute WORST actors I’ve ever seen, but unlike Bores’ awkward dialect the Genie is so bad it’s hilarious. Since Bores rubbed the “magic game” he gets three wishes and was granted the first one. The Sage asks for three wishes, gets them, and asks for his life back. It is granted so the Sage goes to “get drunk and find some bitches.” Yeah even The Sage himself hated that line as he commented on themorshushow’s channel using that as a joke excuse.

2:15 – 2:29: The Genie asks for Bores’ second wish but IG says that will wait as he has another game to review, because everyone plays games they find in the desert carrying a genie. The Genie responds with the 2nd Worst Joke uttered in an Irate Gamer episode.
The Genie: Very well, but don’t take too long my rug is double parked outside.

Ohhhh man I can find at least 3 things wrong with this “joke.”
1: It isn’t a rug it’s a carpet, I know that’s a little nit-picky but in Disney’s Aladdin it’s called a Magic Carpet not a rug. If he wants to stay true to the game he should get it right.
2: Genies don’t need a Magic Carpet they can fly! In fact the Genie is doing that in the video!
3: It doesn’t fit in the continuity! If Bores wants this to be TV quality he needs to read over the scripts! Since the Genie was in the desert and they teleported to Bores’ room the Genie didn’t come here by Magic Carpet! It’s even worse since this only happened ONE MINUTE AGO!

Okay I’ve ranted enough about this let’s move on.

2:32 – 2:43: Bores points out that Aladdin is just another “run-of-the mill game based off a movie” and because of this it’s going to suck. He comments it’s not as bad as it could have been but there’s a lot that pisses him off.

2:44 – 3:08: IG’s first bitchfest is on the Apples, saying they’re useless only stunning the enemies. Gee dude maybe you should JUMP ON THEM? Besides you don’t have to stun them to kill them you can just jump on them. I would also like to point out he’s complaining about something that stays true to the film, and a huge contradiction will show up. He ends this rant with “It’s like taking a shit on a bunch of apples, and calling it apple dumplings” and again I ask the IG Fanboys how his lack of toilet humor makes him better?

3:08 – 4:05: Okay the next part is the most mind-numbingly moronic rant I’ve ever seen in my life. Bores begins whining about Abu following you and not doing anything to help, bitching that he doesn’t help with the boss fights and is just useless. He pisses him off so much he wants to throw him across the screen and demonstrates it.

*slams head against wall so hard it alters reality* Why? Why would you bitch about something so insignificant? Anyone that has played this game would NOT notice Abu following you; they would pay attention to the game itself. This is a children’s game based off a children’s movie, and it wants to stick close to the source material because it’s Capcom and they kick ass! The worst part is that he’s not done with Abu, he has more to say! WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?

4:06 – 4:49: IG shows that beating a level has a little animation where Abu eats an apple and “hopes” it’s not one of his. Oh but he decides to make a drawn-out joke out of this completely miniscule part of the game. Bores does some mask editing to make it look like Abu is eating the apples in Aladdin’s inventory prompting Bores to “throw him across the screen” as he threatened earlier. By the way Bores, yelling “Get Over Here” in a Mortal Kombat voice does not make you badass and it only works with Scorpion using his spear.

God he spent way too long whining about Abu, this isn’t a game review, this is the equivalent of an art snob looking at the Campbell Soup painting and spending 20 minutes ranting about a tiny white speck that’s different from the others. THERE’S NO FUCKING POINT!

5:09 – 5:48: After explaining the collectable jewels Bores complains that the Red Ones are always out your reach citing an example from the first level, he says he’ll do a running start but walks over and jumps missing on purpose. He does know there’s a run button right? He decides to try again but from a high platform (and he makes this ugly frog face) but instead of running or using the R button to hover he purposely misses AGAIN! Someone pointed out in the comments that you can hover, Bores responded saying he knows he thought it would be funnier to miss on purpose. Yes because it’s funny to convince people even further you’re a lying HACK with a large majority of HATERS! WHY DO YOU PISS ME OFF SO MUCH?

WARNING: What follows is the absolute worst joke in an Irate Gamer video, and maybe one of the worst jokes of all time. Discretion to Your Sanity is Advised.

5:48 – 5:52: “Ugh, somebody call 911 because I was ROBbed” as he holds up ROB. The worst part is that people found it funny, there are people brain dead enough to consider that a legitimate joke. It’s all over, the world is ending! Idiots as far as the eye can see! Floods! Hurricanes! Nuclear Detonations! It’s all crumbling to an extinction of - *slapped* I’m sorry for that folks I’ll attempt to collect myself for the remainder of this rant.

5:52 – 6:21: What was this about again? Oh right the Red Jewels. Bores continues to whine the gems are impossible and the “prize” is terrible as you only get alternate ending credits. Well I checked and the regular credits are very short and just show Aladdin and Jasmine flying, the special credits show Aladdin going through the game. Not to mention it’s a great incentive for replay value and that’s why we play video games you fat fuck!

6:22 – 6:29: Bores believes a better prize would be an alternate character noting Abu and Jafar. Ooooh yeah because the main villain fighting himself and rescuing the princess he wants to kill/screw is a great idea for a WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM YOU FAT SACK OF WHORE?

6:30 – 7:10: Time for another pointless sketch! The Sage returns dead but doesn’t say why (Third Rate Gamer: You’re dead, how did that happen? “Flashster”: I don’t know, but its funny right?) The Sage asks his second wish to be life… again, it’s granted and Bores says to stick around with the response “I should, I just got the first season of Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman on DVD” yeah I don’t get the joke either.

7:11 – 7:41: IG reaches Stage 2 and bitches that the logs are too slow and the bats are deadly. Note how he’s not jumping across the logs and he’s deliberately jumping into the bats to die. Only to tell another FUCKING LAME joke with that unfunny devil character that Bores insists is the greatest thing he’s ever thought up!

7:41 – 8:05: In the cave escape stage IG “guarantees” you’ll hate this stage. Dude stop guaranteeing something will happen you’re not George Zimmer. He points out touching anything will kill you and quoting “Touch the Ceiling you die, touch the Ground you die, touch the lava you die!” Ignoring the “DUH Factor” of lava being lethal that quote is directly lifted from the AVGN’s Silver Surfer review. People attempted to defend this saying “There’s no other way to describe this level” seriously? There’s no other way to describe this? Watch this you cocksuckers and weep.

“Now Stage 3 is kind of difficult as you have to avoid the lava stream coming towards you and the multiple walls, ramming into one will result in a lost life.” See I can do it too it’s not that hard.

However Bores tries to defend this scene with the utterly stupid claim “I haven’t watched the AVGN in two years” but I’ll go into that bullshit much later.

8:06 – 8:30: Bores continues whining about the stages as the next ones “didn’t happen in the movie” including a Genie stage which is SUPPOSED to be the song he sings as evidenced by the DAMN BACKGROUND MUSIC! Then a filler stage made to increase the length of the game because “it didn’t happen in the movie.” Wait wait wait, you’re complaining about these stages for not being like the movie yet you spent most of the review whining about Abu following you WHICH HAPPENED IN THE MOVIE! Irate Gamer logic ladies & gentlemen, it would make Spock’s head explode.

8:31 – 8:43: Cutting back to fat & fatter, Bores wants his second wish to at the end of the game. Which doesn’t require magic or even a Game Genie as the game uses passwords AND has a Level Select Cheat.

8:44 – 9:18: Bores explains how to defeat Jafar and his Snake form complaining it was too easy *smashes nearby TV* WHAT THE FUCK? Throughout this review you were moaning about the difficulty but now you’re whining that it’s too easy? God there’s enough hypocrisy to demolish the Great Wall of China it’s massive!

Bores wishes the game was more of a challenge and since he has no originality it turns out the Genie is an asshole and brings the snake into the real world where – Oh God that’s not convincing at all, this snake makes the Sci-Fi Channel Original Movie Monsters look like the Michael Bay Transformers. Despite the snake being a cobra and thus have the inability to constrict people it wraps up Bores attempting to kill him. The Sage returns and is somehow killed by the snake, while Bores struggles in the phoniest resistance possible.

The Sage has had enough and for his last wish he wants it so they never met The Genie. He responds in a “So Bad It’s Hysterical” way and grants the wish, sending them back to the desert. You see the same situation as before with the douchenozzles lost but this time without a map. Since there’s only a few seconds left Bores just ends it saying they’re going home and it’s finally fucking over!

But wait, a real credit sequence! After crediting the cast we see the CGI Snake was from Danielle Hackett (Ironic), the Mega Man sprites from Karbia Yuan (sounds fake) and the “8-Bit Theme” from a dedicated fan (obviously himself) and there’s a stinger! The Genie plots his revenge by hiding in Bores’ Game Genie, so he’ll be in the next review since IG always needs Game Genie. THIS VIDEO WAS HORRIBLE!

Double sized episode my ass it’s shorter then Monster Party! This really took two months? Bullshit! If a real filmmaker did this video it would’ve taken at least 2 weeks, because they wouldn’t be stupid enough to use a CGI Snake! Going back to that point about the same striped shirt in the Video Announcement I think it only took a few days to create, Bores is just a lazy twit and needed an excuse to tell his fans.

Though on a positive note he hasn’t made a video on this caliber of stupid in a LONG time and from the things I’ve heard it’ll be an even longer time. Until then we’ll just finish off all the episodes.

Next time his Top Ten Summer Films of 2009! Will it be a complete disaster like last year? All signs put to definitely so stay TUBED (hur hur hur, tubed).

Monday, August 3, 2009

How not to do a Top Five List

In this edition of Irate Gamer Sucks we’ll be looking at three Top 5 lists related to video games. Brace yourself for the stupidity because it’s going to be monumental!

First up, his Top 5 NES Games and the video begins with him saying he gets fan-mail. Bores you’re not convincing anyone stop trying.

Number 5: Contra
Wait what? Didn’t he make a long ass review complaining about the difficulty and story? You motherfucker this is not going to forgive your idiotic views of the game and the fans of it still won’t forgive you! By the way when he’s at the boss he recycled the footage from his review, you can hear the button mashing.

Number 4: Castlevania
Bores notes this was one of the first game’s he got for the NES, so it’s one of the first games from eBay? He says the plot is “a vampire hunter going to Dracula’s Castle to kill some vampires” except there’s only one vampire in the game and that’s Dracula! He notes the difficulty and “it took forever to find out how to kill the first boss.” HAHAHA oh wow you suck at this game if it “took forever” to defeat the giant bat. Okay this is proof he’s not a gamer in any way shape or form! He also says he’ll do a review in the future (yeah that’s not happening) and heard about a feature film in the works, and believes it’s going to be good. You’ll see later that he contradicts himself yet again.

Number 3: Kirby’s Adventure
He calls Kirby a “Ball of Fluff” despite having no hair on his body, and you call yourself a fan. Really this one is just basic, the usual broad terms he uses in his movie reviews nothing special.

Number 2: Kid Icarus
He doesn’t show the cartridge but instead his hand-made wooden Pit sprite (heh-heh, you said wood). He points out that falling will kill you because the screen moves up, hold it didn’t he complain about this exact same thing in Goonies II? God even when he makes a “positive review” he still contradicts himself. Because of the difficulty he confesses to using a Game Genie and tells the “elitist gamers” to fuck off, meaning he’s telling the actual gamers to leave me alone and stop sending me death threats. Well that’s the impression I got.

Number 1: Super Mario Bros 3
How fucking predictable. He notes “if you weren’t around in the 80s then you missed out” or something, except SMB3 came out in 1990 we first heard about it from The Wizard in 1989. He makes up some bullshit about a waiting list in another futile attempt to prove his “gaming prowess.” Then he comments that he prefers the Super Mario All Stars version of the game because “The Graphics are Better” jeez he’s such a graphics whore.

Bores ends it with honorable mentions Metroid and Ikari Warriors II (seriously that game sucked) and wishes the viewers Happy Holidays, after the credits he says Merry Christmas again and a Bullet Bill flies by for no reason.

This was a mediocre list, he shouldn’t have included Contra after his bitchfest and there’s no Zelda. Plus that comment about Game Genie was utterly moronic, not one gamer is proud of using cheats to get past the hard parts and that’s why people hate him.

His second Top 5 list is the Best DS games, I have a feeling my mind will be raped at the end of it. In the intro he claims to have played a lot of his DS this year, yeah I doubt that.

Number 5: New Super Mario Bros
Just a boring overview of the game, so far there aren’t any huge errors but this is Chris Bores he’ll fuck up somewhere.

Number 4: Mr. Driller Drill Spirits
There we go he fucked up that didn’t last long. Honestly Mr. Driller is one of the LAST games you think of when recommending DS titles, but I’ll watch the entire list to see how kid-friendly it is. Blah blah it’s a puzzle game blah blah how it works, he gets overexcited that Dig Dug is in the game and shows another one of his wooden sprites. This might be why his videos take months to make, he needs to create more wooden sprites instead of playing the game and filming the footage. He really is dedicated to this lie isn’t it? By the way Mr. Driller was created by Namco the same people behind Dig Dug so it’s not a big deal he’s in the game.

Number 3: Contra 4
Why? Why does he insist on putting Contra games on the lists? It’s obvious they’re “too hard” for his feeble mind so why does he keep doing it? “I’m a huge fan of the Contra games” you’re such a liar Chris; it’s not even working anymore. He only compliments the graphics the 2-Player Co-Op, and whines that it gets harder. Not only is he recycling footage but he’s recycling scripts! WHAT THE FUCK? Oh and this “They left out the 30 Lives Code that was infamous in the first game.”

First of all, the code is in the game but it doesn’t give you 30 Lives it gives you fully upgraded weapons. Second, it’s not called “The 30 Lives Code” it’s called “The Konami Code” and was first seen in the NES Port of Gradius not Contra. Third, stop calling it an infamous code!

Number 2: Lego Star Wars, Lego Indiana Jones, and Lego Batman
*headdesk* Don’t fucking recommend games that are on other consoles! This is a list of DS games and the Lego Games are multi-platform! You fail! Moving on to the Number 1 Choice

Number 1: Castlevania: Portrait of Ruin
Really? Portrait of Ruin? You chose the weakest of the DS Castlevania games? Oh boy this is going to suck. It seems this is the first Metroidvania he’s ever played because “It’s very different from the NES Castlevania games.” Oh and what follows could in fact rank in the Top 10 Dumbest Irate Gamer quotes ever “The main downfall is that Simon Belmont isn’t the main character.” YOU FAT FUCK Simon Belmont hasn’t been the main character since Castlevania II*! WHY DO YOU PISS ME OFF SO MUCH?

*Yes I know Simon was the main character of Super Castlevania IV but that’s a remake of the first game so technically it doesn’t count.

“They’re replaced by two young kids, a boy and a girl” What are their names? Come on you know this, they say them all the time when you’re playing. Oh great another pants-on-head retarded quote “This game reminds me of Diablo.” You’re kidding me right? Portrait of Ruin is classified as a “Metroidvania” for a reason, IT’S BASED OFF METROID! It’s even worse when in the NES List he gave honorable mention to Metroid, WHY DO YOU *insert rest of the quote here*

Bores ends the video saying he has a ton of stuff lined up for 2009 including a new mini-series. Well it’s August 2009 and we’ve seen very little from you, so you telegraphed that poorly fatass. This list was terrible, there are far better DS games to recommend and only 4 of those games count because the LEGO games are multi-platform. It never ends, every video he piles more evidence that he’s not a gamer.

Phew, we’ve reached the last Top 5 List but this is something negative, The Worst Video Game Movies.

Intro: “Turning a video game into a movie shouldn’t be a hard thing to do” Says the failure of a filmmaker. By the way very few video games have stories worthy of a feature film, that’s why movies like Super Mario Bros, Street Fighter, and Double Dragon are utter crap. They have little to no story to build off of resulting in an alienated fanbase. Jeez I’ve barely started this video and I’m not happy with it.

Number 5: Hitman
Bores comments he never played the game and if it’s like the movie he’ll destroy it. Dude there’s 4 Hitman games and they’re great, don’t blame the movie for destroying your perception of reality! He whines that the quality is affected by the lack of “big-name actors” yeah to Bores if a movie doesn’t have an A-List cast it’s going to suck. Didn’t he see Live Free or Die Hard? Timothy Olyphant (Agent 47) was the main villain in that movie.

About 29 seconds in he shows a picture from a different movie The Transporter, I don’t know anymore it’s just a mess every single time. He comments the script was terrible and the plot didn’t make sense but never elaborates how that is, and he turned it off after 45 minutes. Dude that doesn’t count, to give a legitimate review you need to watch the entire thing! God Damn It!

Number 4: Doom
IG remembers when the game came out but didn’t play it because it gave him motion sickness, what a pussy! YOU ARE A PUSSY! He tries to quip “someone in Hollywood thought this would be a good idea” and to their credit they’re right because Doom is a very popular franchise.

*shakes head* If you’re going to refer to The Rock as an actor call him Dwayne Johnson, Bores calls actors by their character names so much it’s not even funny. He ends this review with an attempted joke “Did they name this movie after the game or the feeling you get when watching it?” OH GOD THE FLOOR IS MELTING!

Number 3: Mortal Kombat Annihilation
Why does Bores have this bad habit of putting numbers in movies that DON’T HAVE THEM! IG admits he liked the first movie and delivers another bad comparison “It wasn’t as epic as Star Wars but its good cheesy fun” NO! You do NOT put Mortal Kombat on the same level as Star Wars! Go to your room and think about what you said! Oh, I doubt Bores saw the first one when he says “Some asshole decided to make a sequel.” If he did see the first movie he would’ve known it ended on a cliffhanger opening up the possibility for a sequel!

He points out the sequel has many characters from the 2nd and 3rd games… while showing a picture of Mortal Kombat Armageddon HELLO! Bores whines that the many characters have their own story making it confusing to keep track, okay he didn’t see this movie. He would have known the characters only appear for a fight scene and the movie HAS NO STORY!

Number 2: Final Fantasy: The Spirits Within
“After playing the great Final Fantasy games like Number VII and Number IX” Where’s VIII or any game before VII? He whines that the “plot was the dumbest thing I ever heard in my life” and the movie doesn’t have non-human characters citing Red XIII and Cait Sith as examples. Oh I mean “Red and Cat Sith” AGGGH. Bores hates the movie has only humans, then I’m sure he hated the first 5 games because they had all human casts YOU DUMB FUCK WHY DO YOU PISS ME OFF SO MUCH? Oh and he calls Final Fantasy X boring, you don’t get the privilege of calling a Final Fantasy game bad you’re already in enough trouble.

He ends the review saying the movie is completely unwatchable, even though he just said “the graphics are breathtaking” at the start of this. Another contradiction to add to the growing pile, it’s now the size of an adult Saint Bernard.

Number 1: Super Mario Bros.
IG says “unless you’ve been living under a rock you know who the Mario Bros were.” Then he says everything is wrong citing Dinosaurs, Desert Cities, and Goofy Haircuts as the problem. Hold on, didn’t Super Mario World have dinosaurs? Not to mention a Desert World in Mario 3 and what’s wrong with Goofy Haircuts?

He asks why there’s no Mushroom Kingdom, Toads (he calls them Toadstools AGAIN), Koopa Troopas (while showing a Koopa Paratroopa), and Bullet Bills. He says the person responsible should be brutally murdered because “this is the biggest disappointment in video game history!” Do I even have to comment on that?

He ends it wondering when the video game movies will be done right (NEVER) saying it took a long time for the Comic Book movies (as he shows a poster of Spider-Man 3 HELLO) and wonders if it will ever happen.

Oh God this was awful. No Uwe Boll movies, Tomb Raider films, or Resident Evil trilogy. Even with movies he gets his video game facts wrong, and knowing he has fans that hang on his every word makes me lose faith for the future.

Well we started in Circle 9 and we’re almost out of Circle 3, next time Bores attempts to gain subscribers by bribing them and his next nuclear aftermath of a review Aladdin on the Super Nintendo. I’ll need time to collect crazy pills so I can view that video. Until Next Time…

The Calm Before the Disney Storm

Woo, after those torrential disasters he calls reviews I’m glad to be doing shorter rants again. This one will be a little bit low-key so don’t expect any “Insanity Rages” that force me to emulate Cannibal Corpse songs. Though I can’t promise anything…

First up his review of Mario Kart Wii for the DUH, let’s get rolling.

0:20 – 0:40: WIKIPEDIA FACTS!

0:41 – 0:45: “At first glance you may think this looks idiotic and stupid.” Not really, it’s a logical piece of equipment Nintendo used for Mario Kart to sell units.

0:45 – 0:57: Bores notes how innovative and useful this wheel is. Okay are you going to mention that the Gamecube controller is far easier to use? No? Just like his fucking Brawl review…

0:58 – 1:21: See the time listed? That’s how much he spent ranting on the game’s intro, saying it’s not epic like Brawl or “Sonic vs. Mario” (STOP GETTING THIS WRONG) but instead it’s weird. WHO THE FUCK CARES ABOUT THE INTRO? God I can imagine him reviewing Zero Wing and spending 5 minutes on “All Your Base Are Belong to Us.”

1:21 – 1:26: I can’t believe what he just said. “Though the intro sucks don’t let that fool you into thinking it’s a bad game.” Yeeees because every reviewer out there judges an entire game based on THE FUCKING INTRO! WHY DO YOU PISS ME OFF SO MUCH?

1:48 – 1:53: “The best part is to hit these question mark boxes to see what power-ups you get” *sighs* He treats this review like no one has played a Mario Kart game. Everyone I talk to has either played Mario Kart 64 or DS and I’m serious when I say everyone. God it’s like reviews by Fisher-Price.

2:00 – 2:13: Bores notes the multi-player is the best part (God every time it sounds like he learned the existence of friends, it’s still mind-boggling). He says up to 4 people can play at a time, he does know there’s an online mode where 12 people can race right? *looks back at his Brawl review* Oh of course not how silly of me. He uses that 4-Player line to make another unfunny joke using a split-screen effect where 4 versions of IG are playing the game… wait didn’t the AVGN do this YOU KNOW WHAT screw it.

IG ends it saying it’s worth the money and it’s another “Irate Pick.” Okay I should say something about that “Irate Pick” line. The word irate is a synonym for angry, mad, furious and so on, so an “Irate Pick” should be for a bad game not a good one. It doesn’t help that the name “Irate Gamer” is another way of saying “Angry Video Game Nerd” so it just confuses me. Also, I noticed people abbreviate “Irate Gamer Neo” as IGN. Hold on a sec, IGN? OH MY GOD NOOOOOO! *kaboom*

Let’s just keep going, I would say my thoughts on IGN but this is a blog about the Irate Gamer and how he sucks. Moving on to another scandal video, how amusing.

This time he’s looking over the scandal behind the Nintendo DS Scrabble game using cuss words. Really? You’re not going to mention any video game controversy that’s significant? Nothing with violent or sexual content just some shovelware game that an insane woman believes is full of profanity? Chris do you wonder why people don’t take you seriously? Because you pull completely WORTHLESS bullshit like this out of your fat ass!

*watches video*

Ugggggggh what the hell was that about? Do you know the only person to report this bullshit is an insane mother from the UK and the only source is DailyMail a well-known tabloid? He compares this controversy to the Growing Pains character Boner and the Petticoat Junction town Hooterville, because all the 11 year olds watching will know about a sitcom from the 1960s. WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU? This is not controversy this is bullshit! I bet he doesn’t even know who Jack Thompson is (or was).

God, he managed to piss me off in less then 90 seconds. It’s like he’s trying even harder to be a dumbass it’s amazing.

The next video is his Top 5 NES Games but I’ll save that for the next rant, it will be explained at the end. Right now his review of Order Up for the Nintendo Wii, oh boy more Shovelware.

0:01 – 0:16: Oh, no theme song at the beginning. Bores walks over to his chair and finds a note from the “Production Crew” that tells him they’ll be filming in the garage. You have a production crew, if you did why aren’t they in your videos or featured in the credits? I’d say something about living in an apartment but I remembered that garage from his Temple of Doom review so I’ll leave it at that.

0:17 – 0:30: Bores goes outside when… oh no. Bores appears again and locks himself out? Oh crap it’s the Evil Gamer, god damn it Bores this evil twin concept isn’t funny or clever and it never will be! Because Other Bores locked himself out he “takes over” the Neo show; fuck me this is dumb.

Theme: Because the show is hosted by the “Evil Gamer” the theme and footage play backwards because backwards equals evil I guess? Well in Star Trek there was the Mirror, Mirror episode with an alternate dimension where everyone was evil, but that’s Star Trek it’s far more convincing.

Spoiler alert the Evil Gamer is exactly the same as IG but he makes clich├ęd evil jokes to match his “character.”

0:49 – 1:00: Other Bores opens the game up and finds a diner hat that doesn’t fit, how dull.

1:02: “Supervillain Studios! I think I’m part of their union.” AH HA HA HA HA HA HA! Give it up for Chris Bores ladies & gentlemen that kid is going places!

1:08: “Order Up is set up like one of those Sim City type games” Whaaaaaa? Sim City was a cooking simulator? *brain breaks* GA HA HA HA IT’S A GIRAFFE! Haha hahahahaha *brain fixes itself*

1:21 – 1:38: He points out the multiple functions with the “Wii Joystick” STOP CALLING IT THAT and to pad time lists them all off. When he mentions the burgers he says you can shit on them and shows this with a fake turd edited into the game. I ask the IG Fanboys again how is AVGN worse for using toilet humor?

1:42 – 1:48: Bores notes you get a newspaper and doesn’t like the concept of reading it, though he did read that note earlier. Maybe it’s his character that doesn’t like reading? *looks at all the spelling and grammar errors of his past reviews* Never mind then.

1:54 – 1:56: He attempts to hire a chef but learns he needs money to do so, his response “What a bunch of Bogus Butt Balls!” Now I’m convinced he never graduated Elementary School.

2:04 – 2:20: He starts the game and claims “It’s time to be evil!” To show his wickedness he overcooks the burgers and fries, damn he sure is evil! The Joker has nothing on you Evil Gamer! *stabs hand* Ohhh I miss the relief.

2:20 – 2:36: IG says finishing a service gets you comment cards, he reads the cards while insulting them. This is actually funny in a cosmic way, Bores never accepts criticism from his YouTube “fans” and deletes any comment that didn’t 100% enjoy the video. I think he stopped overly-deleting but it’s kind of funny in that sense.

2:52: “Wow, talk about multi-tasking. Maybe I can find a career in EVIL multi-tasking!” What the fuck does that even mean? Look Chris just because you add the word evil to something doesn’t make it so, or add any form of humor to it.

He keeps doing it! Evil restaurant, evil empire, evil food IT’S NOT FUNNY!

The review ends with the assistant falling asleep and Bores yelling “Time to get Chef Ramsey on your ass” and blowing him up (and yes it’s the same explosion effect), then he fires the cook. Dude; don’t mix two reality show references it comes off as trashy. By the way, do you remember that Hell’s Kitchen episode where Gordon Ramsey blew up the contestants? I recall him calling them donkeys but I don’t think he’s a ConSec Scanner.

Anyway these videos sucked balls, but next time will be far FAR worse. Bores released three Top 5 lists for the “Holiday Season” and the games/movies on these lists are just… wow. So next time the Top 5 NES Games, DS Games, and Worst Movies based on Video Games.

Sunday, August 2, 2009

The Halloween Special that's Two Months Early

Welcome to a special spooooky edition of Irate Gamer Sucks, two months before Halloween yaaay. We’ll be analyzing what Bores did before cashing in on game reviewers and a video so horrendously bad it created a meme. Alright the only scary thing we’ll be seeing is Chris Bores’ acting; he’s like a 2nd Grader playing Benjamin Franklin in the school’s President’s Day show.

Before Chris Bores started stealing from video game reviewers, he made a ruthlessly boring show about hunting ghosts. The title: Haunted Investigators. Because this trash is the very definition of dull I won’t torture myself to watch them all, giving my impressions of the episode I have seen.

The premise has Chris Bores, a Buddhist Priest named Alan Cicco (yes Buddhism has Priests) and Bores’ (Ex-)Girlfriend Jennifer Schippel go around haunted locations in Ohio (because when I think paranormal, I think Cleveland) attempting to find ghosts. I must confess I never enjoyed the concept of ghost hunting shows, it’s all mindless fear theories and witness accounts from the mentally insane. But I will say without hesitation that Ghost Hunters is far more entertaining then this driveled excuse for a show.

As I’ve said I’ve only seen one episode but that’s far too much already. The video begins with Bores showcasing the “haunted location” giving history on the possible paranormal activities. After the tedious exposition the three of them set out and attempt to find ghosts by calling them out through insults, and for some reason Bores points a stick in the air that I think is supposed to be the E-Meter from Ghostbusters.

The “unexplained instances” include Bores’ camera shutting off for no reason and a previous account where Alan tripped over a staircase believing an invisible force pushed him. You know how I said in past rants Bores wanted to be Ghostbuster but the existence of spirits has no solid proof so he went to find them? This is the reason ghosts don’t show themselves, boring-ass videos of three idiots stumbling in the dark with the belief that tripping on a staircase is an other-worldy cause, either that or the after-life has YouTube and has seen the Irate Gamer show.

Let me ask something, what the fuck does the title mean? I know it’s stupid to complain about a title but wouldn’t a “Haunted Investigator” be a detective or something that’s possessed by a spirit? Is Chris Bores haunted by a demon that tells him to lie, cheat, and steal through life? I apologize for bringing this up but it’s just plain stupid, look at a show like Ghost Hunters with a simple title that explains what you’re seeing. Haunted Investigators sounds like a B-Grade Sci-Fi movie without the camp value.

To finish off this overview, I’ll show evidence that Chris Bores is a low-class whore that would do ANYTHING for money. Haunted Investigators got three DVD releases, all poorly made DVD-R discs with a shoddy case. Bores knew this wouldn’t sell so he reviewed his own DVD on Amazon, I’m not kidding he promoted his own DVD by reviewing it.

Here’s the thing, if you see your work being sold you can comment saying “I worked on this” and give some trivia to the people that purchased it, but when you pretend you’re a paying customer then that’s the lowest form of scum. He didn’t even make a sockpuppet account to hide his identity, his username is Chris and his Nickname is “y2b2006.” There might be those desperate IG fans saying “Oh that’s not him blah blah blah” but they are far stupider then Bores. The Irate Gamer first appeared April 2007; this review was made November 2006.
Video Proof that he did this, and you can check Amazon yourself it’s still on there. Thanks again to FFL2and3Rocks for making that video and supporting this blog.

Now we’re on to another Irate Gamer review, Monster Party for the NES. A few things of note, this is his longest “review” clocking in at 12:33 but how much of that is playing the game is very questionable. This video also marks a turning point in IG’s videos where he focuses more on plot then actual reviewing; giving me the belief he desperately wants this crap on TV.

We also saw the creation of the “Bores N Doors” YouTube meme, a series of videos that involve Bores opening a door to find something that hates him or makes fun of him, usually ending with Bores yelling “GET DA FUCK OFF MAH PROPERTY!” Credit to AkewsticRockR for the meme’s inception. Okay I’m getting off track let’s break this video down.

0:05: Oh boy we’re in for a ride already, the video starts at the “Castle of Evil: Home of the Evil Gamer” joy we’re seeing that “Evil Irate Gamer” again how fun is that? Oh and this evil castle was taken from Google Images, wow he is fucking lazy.

0:08 – 0:30: It seems the Evil Gamer is only different through his hat, and he was the one responsible for sending Predator and ROB against him. Why does he want to kill Bores? To take over his show and review video games! What? Your main goal is to kill Bores using assassins all so you can do the same exact thing he does? Why do you even need an assassin, he’s a fat fuck living in an apartment making terrible videos!

Honestly Bores this writing is just cheap, didn’t you learn anything from your year in college? If you’re going to create characters at least make them likeable, so far you’ve created a total of ZERO likeable characters. GAH WHY DO YOU PISS ME OFF SO MUCH? From the video the Evil Gamer’s plan is to kill Bores with Monster Party.

Intro: Bores is too lazy to make a different Halloween Theme so he just uses his theme song.

0:49 – 1:09: Here we’re explained the “plot” of the episode, the biggest Halloween party in the city is down the street and IG wasn’t invited, plus people keep going up to his door asking for directions. There is so much wrong with this it’s unsanitary, but where do I clean this up? First off, if it’s the biggest Halloween party then why would they have a bouncer? Couldn’t you just wear a mask, push your way into a group of people, and sneak inside? Oh that’s right Bores lacks common sense so that was the last thing he thought of.

But the asking directions part annoys me, Chris Bores lives in an apartment, you have to get permission from a tenant to enter the building. What IG wants us to believe is that all these people rang his doorbell requesting entrance to the building so they could ask Bores for directions? It’s called common sense Bores, USE IT!

1:10 – 1:40: Being pissed off from the party-goers he decides to review a bad game, because THAT’S what I do when I’m mad, I play a terrible video game. Then Bores notices the Occult Shelf, or as he pronounces it “Oh-cult,” and sees the only game there is Monster Party. Now I want you to pay attention to the line “I didn’t even know I owned this game, but I’ll try it out” because that’s going to result in another plot hole.

1:42: Oh fun he has a Top-Loader NES now, that doesn’t seem to be connected to his TV. Next to it he prominently shows his Atari Jaguar, he’s proud of his crappy console! Sorry but he does this in every review, show off his gaming collection to disprove the haters (here’s a hint Bores it’s not working).

1:44 – 2:11: He begins explaining the popularity and the story of the game like he knew the whole time. Didn’t he just say at least 10 seconds ago the he never know he had this game? Good God he contradicts himself again, when he isn’t getting facts wrong he’s writing scripts with Godzilla-sized Plot Holes.

2:20 – 2:28: As IG explains the game he brings up text saying it uses the “Dr. Jekyll & Mr. Hyde Princible” I knew Bores had awful spelling and grammar comprehension but this is text on the video, couldn’t you spend 5 seconds searching for the correct spelling? WHY DO YOU PISS ME OFF SO MUCH?

2:29 – 2:45: He whines that the transformation takes too long (not really) saying the time could be spent killing enemies like a man on fire prompting another awful joke “Stop Drop & Roll man!” I’ve seen movies about Barbie funnier then this!

Ranting about the bosses, Mark being a weak character because the bat is worthless even though it’s your main weapon and Bores sucking at the game automatically makes it bad.

3:20 – 3:30: He compares the long boss fights to the underwater stage in Ninja Turtles, why? Because they both scar children I guess? Really he isn’t even trying to hit the bubbles the plant is spitting out; it takes at least 20 deflections with the bat so it’s not as bad as Bores claims.

4:04 – 4:10: After some more bitching about Mark being weak he wonders why the monster chose him to save the world. Dude it’s a video game don’t question the logic, stop expecting 100% realism in your games! Oh and he attempts another bad joke “This kid couldn’t save toilet paper!”

I would like to point something out, I hear from some stupid IG Fanboys they prefer him over AVGN because the latter uses too much toilet humor. Now let that stupidity sink in for a minute and realize intelligence and common sense are doomed.

4:11 – 4:31: He continues whining about the monsters choosing a kid over an experienced fighter but wonders if the developers did it to market to children. GENIUS! You get a gold star made out of fat man sweat.

4:31 – 4:52: Oh that line about marketing to children was just a set-up for a lame joke. He points out bloody environments when *sighs* Cousin Joey comes in, sees the blood, and runs off crying. Okay this is more proof he’s not a gamer, a “kid” wouldn’t freak out from the blood they just wouldn’t care. I played a ton of Mortal Kombat as a kid and that didn’t screw me up, oh that reminds me after I finish this I need to go drink some virgin blood.

By the way that scene with Cousin Joey seeing the scary thing on TV is slowly becoming a meme of its own.

4:53 – 5:27: Bores whines about the amount of empty rooms and goes into a bunch of them to pad time. He concludes this game wastes too much of his time with the empty rooms, the long transformations (not really that long) and the bosses that take 60 hits (they don’t take that much you just suck). The camera cuts to him and he blurts out “My time is precious! I can’t be wasting it on pointless bullshit!” Your time is precious? Are you going to die of a terminal disease or something? You’re a failed filmmaker creating shitty videos on YouTube! The only one that should complain about time is myself for watching them!

By the way, playing video games is pointless but adding a bunch of D-Grade effects and green screen takes 3 months? Let’s not forget the meaningless characters that add absolutely nothing to your reviews, in fact you’ve shown two so far. Let’s just get on with this.

5:28 – 5:55: Yaaay the first Bores N Doors clip! IG answers the door and finds a Viking while sarcastically telling him the party is across the street. Main BnD quote “Uhh yeah ya think?”

5:56 – 6:12: He comments the objective is to beat the bosses and collect the key, and if you don’t have the key you stand there like an asshole, this prompts a Tour Bus to drive-by saying to look at the asshole. Gee, this joke is painfully unfunny and has no logic being in this review. Should I use it again later on?

6:30: “Durrr I should use it again, I are comedy genius! I get Pulitzer one day!”

6:50 – 6:55: In a sewer level “Not a Ninja Turtle in sight” Me: Booooo “But I did find the Technodrome” Everyone: BOOOOOOOO!

6:56 – 7:04: He lists off all the enemies again to pad time, he mispronounces Minotaur (MinoTAR), and he ends on a skeleton that he says looks familiar… Oh no. He’s not going to do what I think right?

7:05 – 7:38: HE IS! The Jew Skeleton appears in his apartment saying he was invited to the party and… wait how did The Jew Skeleton enter his apartment? I know it’s Bores in costume but if you want to treat this like a TV show then SORT YOUR SHIT OUT! WHY DO YOU PISS ME OFF SO MUCH? Oh and The Jew Skeleton still isn’t funny.

7:39 – 8:32: He reaches a boss of two zombies that say to watch them dance. Since Bores has severe ADD he won’t accept this and tries to kill them, but he didn’t follow instructions and it doesn’t work. He grabs an old issue of Nintendo Power from his shelf (another thing he spent a ton of money on, old Nintendo Power issues because they sure as well weren’t there before) and the zombies die. For some reason this pisses him off so he throws his NES controller at his console, yeah throw a controller at a console that’s not even connected to your TV that will show the game who’s boss… wait what?

8:33: An electrical shock? Is this some form of… foreshadowing? *DUN DUN DUN*

8:50 – 9:14: Now for Bores N Doors Clip 2! After whining about the game title because he should be at the Halloween Party he gets another visitor with a British Accent and Bores just tells him to fuck off resulting in his accent to change to Inbred Game Reviewer. BnD Quote: GET DAH FUCK OFF MAH PROPERTY!

9:34 – 9:38: Because beating all three bosses in Round 7 will make you lose the key he decided to throw in that tour bus joke one last time! Quoting the Nostalgia Critic again “Not Funny + Not Funny = NOT FUCKING FUNNY! If you want a joke to work, you need humor. DON’T YOU KNOW THAT?” Seriously though the tour bus joke wasn’t funny the first time why would it be funny THREE TIMES?

9:57: “Shovel my shit in a barrel” People from Ohio don’t talk this way! Chris Bores is an insult to the citizens of that fine state!

The video ends with Bores beating the last boss but the ending causes his devil character to pop out of the game (huh) and proclaim his plan to take over the world… aren’t you going to say something M. Bison? Bison: This guy doesn’t deserve that at all! IG responds “I don’t bow down for no one” okay he is inbred. The devil attempts to kill Bores with bad special effects and The Jew Skeleton “watches.” The devil spots a Voltron Figurine and starts playing with it, and Bores somehow knows he the devil is only on earth for a day and they decide to go to a bar.

Actually the bar is a pitiful green screen effect combined with an awkward split-screen effect. Just look at Bores standing next to himself in costume it’s like two 13 year olds at school dance it’s embarrassing. They’re not drinking beer either they’re drinking apple juice, yeah a bar that serves apple juice to grown men WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?

Then the Evil Gamer appears and orders the devil to kill IG but doesn’t care after he’s offered cheesecake, but declines it when he mentions he was invited to that party then The Jew Skeleton tries to sing The Monster Mash. This sure was spooky guys, scared my pants off for sure hahahaha AAAAAAAGH THIS REVIEW SUCKS! It’s about as funny as testicular cancer, the “plot” was stock even for a children’s cartoon and there are times I think IG used Game Genie.

But I have the honor of saying we’re almost done with this crap, and the next rant will be much shorter because the next three videos total 7 and a Half minutes. His review of Mario Kart Wii, something about Scrabble on the DS, and Order Up for the Wii, and yes I’m skipping a couple videos but one is about a Green Lantern film and the other is a Top 5 List that I’ll combine with the rant after this one.

Saturday, August 1, 2009

Tim Allen, The Mummy, Some commerical, and Final Fantasy

You know, the last rant wasn’t that bad. It wasn’t on the level of utter shit like his early tranwreck reviews but I feel confident I can finish this.

First up his review of Home Improvement on the Super Nintendo, honestly it doesn’t look like that bad of a game.

The following rant is dedicated to FFL2and3Rocks; his parody videos are a big reason why I watch Irate Gamer’s bullshit. You’re the man FFL!

0:32: Another crappy title card, this time Bores in front of a fence holding a drill with Wilson on the other side. I guess it’s supposed to be the like the show but I never watched it so I’m not the best judge.

0:35 – 1:00: It seems Bores is hosting Tool Time now, which I didn’t know since I stopped watching it when Tim Allen switched the format to video games. Then the Maplestory Sprite from the MUSCLE review appears says his catch-phrase “Bang-A-Lang” and leaves when he heard the game is Home Improvement. Bores tells him off in the most unconvincing way possible “Fine! I don’t need you! I’ll just do this review by myself!” This part was laughably bad it’s amazing.

1:02 – 1:16: Something about the intro being long, so he skips it because there’s “too much story.” I’m staying out of this one.

1:18 – 1:33: He starts the game and notices they’re in a jungle and starts whining about… okay the following quote is one of the worst jokes I’ve ever heard in a YouTube video. “The game is called Home Improvement not Jungle Improvement.” Soak it in, feel the terror that joke brings to your mental state! Seriously though how bad is this joke? Fellow IG-Hater themorshushow says this was the first review of IG’s he watched (before he knew of the controversy surrounding him) and he hated him from the start just for that joke.

1:34 – 1:48: IG notes if you paid attention to the story the tools are in the studio, but for some reason the jungle environment still pisses him off. Ohhh boy the rest of the review is going to compare the game to the show isn’t it?

1:49 – 2:08: He starts listing off the weapons that are available and attempts a joke with the jackhammer saying it can “drill into a cow’s anus in a few seconds” along with an image of a cow. Where’s the joke I don’t get it!

2:18 – 2:24: “The problem is that you forget which button does what” because I can’t spend 4 minutes figuring out which button does what and thus the game sucks.

2:25 – 2:31: IG points out the jackhammer is useless because he can’t figure out what it does and uses it in random places. Except the Jackhammer can be used to access hidden passages in the floor, but hey you’ve been playing for 20 years so we shouldn’t question you wise seer. Fuck me this is dumb.

2:31 – 2:53: Since Bores has the mental age of a 9 year old he decides to consult the instruction manual (uh oh) on how to use the tools, but sees the game didn’t give one as “Real Men Don’t Need Instructions” causing him to flip out. Wait wait wait wait, go back to his Contra review. Remember when he said “Who ever reads those things anyway? I can’t waste my time reading about a game, I just gotta play it!” *inhales* Ahhh smell that hypocrisy, the scent of a douchenozzle and a Chicago sewer. Seriously you whine about the lack of story in Contra with the only possible source being the manual and yet you need a manual to figure out something in a game with more then two buttons? Again, you could have spent a few minutes figuring out the controls before reviewing this. This feels like a blind review which is pretty lame since his videos “take months to make.” Fuck, let’s just move on.

2:53 – 3:02: He asks what “bitch ass cockadillo” didn’t include an instruction manual and whines that he can’t shoot the nail gun straight. Must I constantly remind you that spending a few minutes learning the different combinations is VITAL! By the way, that insult above didn’t sound forced at all, no sireebob.

3:08 – 3:35: After asking how hard the game could get he sees a dinosaur enemy and starts bitching that this game shouldn’t have dinosaurs or bugs (which is the same as saying “I don’t want enemies waaaah”) and that they should have stuck closer to the show. *sighs* I know I haven’t watched Home Improvement but if it was closer to the material it would be a BORING GAME! From the clips I’ve seen it’s just your standard sitcom fare, a game about that wouldn’t be fun!

By the way, have you noticed that he doesn’t judge games based off movies and TV shows on their merits or problems, but how close it is to the source material? I know the AVGN does that but it’s usually a quick joke, Bores does NOTHING but compare to the film/TV show.

3:35 – 4:16: Seeing the game has enemies he gives up and prepares to destroy the game. Then Wilson shows up (rather it’s Bores behind an indoor fence wearing a hat) and tells IG some crap about Vikings which inspires Bores to continue playing. Does Bores have access to the rejected Family Guy jokes pile? Not even McFarlane would find this garbage funny, and he did a joke that was nothing but Conway Twitty singing for 3 whole minutes! Here’s a Home Improvement joke from The Simpsons done right.

Tim: I did it! I’ve supercharged my riding mower!
(He makes weird noises and backs into the fence)
Tim: Oh no! I’ve killed Wilson. Looks like its back to jail for me (more weird noises).

4:16 – 4:26: Bores explains the objective is to collect crates that “jump around like a Mexican Jumping Bean.” Hey that’s not funny!

4:26 – 4:50: IG points out that to stay alive you collect nuts and bolts, and touching an enemy without collecting any kills you (DOI). He starts up again and without looking runs into a dinosaur killing him again. You moron, haven’t you heard the old phrase “look before you leap?” The same applies to games but hey you wouldn’t know that.

4:58 – 5:05: After pointing out the weapon upgrades he attempts to kill a dinosaur with the chainsaw but gets killed because he didn’t collect any nuts & bolts! Yes it’s the games fault that he died and not his incompetence!

5:06: Fustrating Alert! Oh man you’re regressing! You got it right in ET was that a fluke?

5:05 – 5:25: Because this game has the hardest first level EVAR he pussies out and consults the Game Genie book, he doesn’t find any so he pretends to pass out as the sprites of Tim’s kids appear and help him out. This is the extent of the Irate Gamer’s effects, an overused explosion and sprites. Seriously sprite animation was old in 2003 on Newgrounds, long before the rise of YouTube.

5:30 – 5:41: Bores points out the ability to slide down a slope but calls it annoying. He is aware you can do this in Super Mario Bros 3 right? He compares this to an ice skater and puts Tim Allen in a dress as some sort of throw-away joke. I’m running out of ways to compare his humor to Family Guy, at least some throw-away gags on FG are well-written.

5:48 – 5:55: Since IG believes this review is taking too long he does a split-screen effect to show he got all 5 crates and says “Gotta love the things you can do with Editing Software.” That’s right, talk down to the other video reviewers that can’t afford decent editing software because you’re soooooo original in jkl;asjd;;fjasdfasdfasdfawe;r *static* I’m alright Tech Guy, I can finish this.

5:57 – 6:17: He beats the first level and thinks he’ll get out of the jungle, only to learn the second level is also a jungle causing him to “snap” because having a second level in the same location is a bad thing that’s never been done in a game before… EVER! Since this concept is completely foreign to him he yells “I can’t take this no more, this game sucks!” Yes he actually said it like that.

The review FINALLY ends with Bores taking the game to his tool shed (I know just go with it) and sawing the game in half. I’m kind of surprised he destroyed it instead of using a mediocre special effect. His one-liner is “Now that’s what I call Home Improvement!” *pauses* These Go to 11. Sorry my brain just broke at that horrible excuse of a one-liner. After the credit(s), Wilson walks up to that Mega Man sprite that was in the background the entire review and steals it.

Bores started making video game sprites out of wood to display all over his apartment, I hate to admit it but that’s kind of cool. This review was god fucking awful; Home Improvement doesn’t look that bad. It looks much better then other crappy SNES games like Bebe’s Kids, Captain Novolin, and Revolution X. Did he just want an excuse to use a buzzsaw or something?

Damn, despite the length we’re not done. Let’s look at his review of the film “The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor.” Will it live up to his hype from the Top 10 List? Something tells me it will be more cooing over the effects.

Bores shows more of his horrible taste calling the first two films “the greatest” and comparing them to The Godfather in terms of quality. My head hurts. Woah he was disappointed in this one! He begins whining about the new female lead, and whining, and GOD DAMN IT!

Bitching about the writing, saying the jokes stuck out like a sore thumb (STOP USING THIS LINE), saying the script was clumsy but not explaining WHY it was bad, praising the effects (there we go) and says it’s only worth a rental. For someone who claims to be a HUGE fan of the first two he didn’t go into detail about the negative things. Of course the man compares the first two films to The Godfather so I shouldn’t expect an intelligent thought from this guy.

Now his DirecTV commercial spoof, the original commercials were a great concept. They showed a scene from a famous movie and the actor would break the fourth wall to advertise DirecTV and all the good things about it. IG just does the same thing but with his ROB review, yeah it’s poorly done and kind of a sell-out move.

We’ve reached the finale of this rant, now to tackle his review of Final Fantasy III for the DS. I’m a huge Final Fantasy fan so expect a little craziness on my part.

0:23: Why is he button-mashing a turn-based RPG?

0:27: That’s the Japanese Boxart you twit! Well it is the first result in Google Images DON’T BE LAZY!

0:38 – 1:35: Since Bores takes his audience for morons he explains the odd numbering of the Final Fantasy games (without using Roman Numerals HELLO), and ends it with a horrible attempt at a joke saying the fans destroyed the Nintendo offices for their treachery. I really don’t feel like explaining what’s wrong with that joke so I’ll just tear down the “Numbering” bit.

Two things: First off, this is exactly like the AVGN’s Chronologically Confused video right down to the green background. If he used images that would have been fine, no accusations there but he uses a green background in fact it’s the same shade of green! Second, WHO DOESN’T KNOW THIS? If you’re trying to appeal to hardcore gamers you don’t spend a large portion of the review discussing something they all know! WHY DO YOU PISS ME OFF SO MUCH?

1:35 – 1:43: “After 20 years of the missing titles being absent, they’re finally filling the void with Final Fantasy III.” Wait, are you implying that III got an American release before II and V? How about a little of my knowledge bitch! V was first released stateside in 1999 bundled in Final Fantasy Anthology; it also got a GBA release in 2006. II got its first American release in 2003 bundled with the first game in Final Fantasy Origins, as well a GBA version the following year. Final Fantasy III on DS came out in 2006 so you’re two years late to the review.

1:44: “This may seem like an evil plot to re-release an old title in new packaging for a few quick bucks” A few quick… EVERY COUNTRY OUTSIDE OF JAPAN NEVER GOT THIS GAME! You’re not a gamer you’re a fraud! A FUCKING FRAUD!

2:03: Oh my God he used a cheat device! All his characters are at 9999 HP! I doubt this motherfucker had the patience to grind and FFIII doesn’t have New Game Plus so he fucking cheated! WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?

2:08: “If you’re a fan of the later FF games, you’ll feel right at home because it’s the exact same thing.” This game doesn’t have Active Time Battle, MP, it gives penalties for job switching, it doesn’t have Limit Breaks, and it’s much MUCH harder. Don’t pretend you know what you’re talking about to Final Fantasy fans because we’ll fuck you up!

2:15 – 2:20: The story is explained in these 5 seconds, how cute he thinks he’s That Guy with the Glasses.

2:39 – 3:06: Oh wait more story, he starts whining that the story is weak and the characters aren’t developed like in the later games. He does know this is based off an 8-Bit Famicom game right? The characters in the NES/Famicom games had no personalities and the concept of appealing characters wouldn’t appear until the fourth game. Here’s another problem with the Irate Gamer, he always compares older games to the newer versions not knowing what has changed and what hasn’t.

Oh but he’s not done, he tries to figure out who Arc is and why he’s there. *puts face into hands* did he even play the game? He would have known Arc is Luneth’s childhood friend! Didn’t they test this review before they released it? *boos from crowd*

3:07 – 3:22: Bores notes there are summons but they’re disappointing as they don’t put on a spectacular show like the other games. This is a DS game you moron there are technical limitations!

3:30 – 3:42: He whines that there are too many random encounters. Do I even have to explain this?

Bores ends it saying it’s well worth the money but since he cheated I wouldn’t trust him. This review was beyond horrible, it could cause an aneurysm it’s that bad. Every video he proves he has no idea what he’s talking about and it’s sickening.

We’re done here, next time I’ll keep things shorter with a quick overview of his ghost show Haunted Investigators and his review of Monster Party on the NES. I need to go lie down.

Lots of movies, Phoenix Wright American Edition, and an unfunny fart joke

We’ve got a lot of videos to cover today, 6 of them totaling 10:06 in length (yeah they’re just a bunch of short videos). We’ve got shitty movie reviews, a shitty game review, and a very short sketch.

First up his review of the film Jumper, a rubbish film based off a decent novel. This is going to be fun!

My God these reviews are all the same! Broad statements that anyone reading Rotten Tomatoes or IMDB can figure out! Bores thinks Jumper is based off a comic because “the characters have superpowers” except it’s based off a novel from 1992! He also credits Hayden Christensen as a good actor, I’d make a joke about IG not knowing a good actor if it karate chopped him in the shins, but Bores is such a terrible actor I’m not surprised he can’t identify quality in others. Oh and he praises the special effects big surprise there.

Now his review of WALL-E, a very well done animated film that everyone should see and by saying this he’s going to think it sucks.

He starts out the review saying he gets a ton of e-mails asking what he thought of “so-and-so” film. By tons he means at least 12 as the Five Thousand others are hate-mail, but I digress. Also this video is 1:06 in length and the first 12 seconds are about the fucking e-mails! Oh this is going to be a fun one!

“I know it’s a kids movie…” Fffffff *stops and grabs crazy pills* Ohhhh. Dude, it’s a Pixar film it’s meant for everyone. He whines that the CGI isn’t that great DUDE its better then all the other CGI films of 2008 and better then many preceding it, and this is from a guy who could spend an entire review on the effects. Bores warns that the first 20 minutes have no dialogue and tells parents to leave the kids at home, yes because parents are watching your videos gorilla-face. By the way this is where that creepy grandma saying “Come Here Sonny” joke takes place, for those who watch the IG parody videos.

Let’s keep this pace going with his NEO review of Harvey Birdman for the Wii. It’s just a console version of Phoenix Wright that wasn’t as good.

0:19 – 0:22: He starts off the review looking at the game and showing it to the camera while shaking like an epileptic, he exclaims “HARVEY BIRDMAN IS AWESOME” or something like that I’m too disgusted by his inbred face.

0:25 – 0:35: “The show’s dry humor is very similar to my own” WHAT? No no no no no no no no NOOOO! You are NOTHING like Harvey Birdman! Harvey Birdman was gut-busting hilarity and your show is like a sick lovechild of Family Guy and Vague Genre Movies! He attempts to drive this point home by laughing at his MC Escher “joke” from his Q*bert video and realizing he doesn’t get it. Is this supposed to be ironic humor or … what is going on?

He explains the game saying you watch the cartoon sequences then pick what they do next. So it’s exactly like the Ace Attorney series right? You’re going to note the similarities right?

1:14: He lists of the characters from the show (because listing makes EVERYTHING better) he reaches Freezoid but calls him Reducto. Wait, Reducto was a short green man with intense paranoia, not a silver robotic ambulance chaser. Oh yeah, he’s a huuuge fan of the GET THE FUCKING NAMES RIGHT!

1:17: “The goofy Hippo thing” You mean Peter Potamus? Did he get that thing I sent him? Yes Peter he got it, if he’s not gone in the morning then I’ll take care of it.

1:18: “The slut” You mean Gigi right? I swear he just made up that crap about being a fan.

1:38 – 1:48: After explaining the game again he attempts a Clue reference using Professor Plum and STOP IT BORES JUST STOP! He dresses up like Professor Plum and “escapes.” Is this why this shit takes months? So you can buy clothes to dress up like characters you’ll only use once? WHY DO YOU PISS ME OFF SO MUCH?

1:50 – 2:06: IG starts talking about how you must use the correct evidence at the right time and you only get a few chances to do so. You mean like Turnabout Trial/Ace Attorney? Are you going to mention that awesome series?

2:07 – 2:17: “Pay attention to everything because the cases get harder.” You mean like the Ace Attorney WHY DO YOU NOT MENTION IT?

2:25 – 2:46: He drones on about the “boredom factor” of the game saying you go around, click on items, talk to people and it gets boring. You mean like YOU KNOW WHAT he doesn’t know that exists he doesn’t know ANYTHING HE’S A HAAAAACK!

He ends the review saying if you like the show you’ll like the game blah blah blah GOD YOU SUCK AT THIS! You couldn’t even mention Phoenix Wright or Apollo Justice or ANY Ace Attorney game you are a fucking hack!

Before I continue to his other videos I should mention that his NEO reviews appear on GottGame for a month or so before going to YouTube. Problem with GottGame is the main layout runs like shit and the video feels like Windows 98 running RealPlayer. Even when it switched to Blip it ran like an outdated OS, and normally Blip works great (for me at least). Sometimes he would release a trailer linking to GottGame which doesn’t sound like another reviewer out there, not at all in anyway.

Alright, next his review of The Dark Knight and this is going to hurt. We’ve seen in his past movie reviews he’ll give Comic Book movies high merits on EVERYTHING! Since TDK was one of the best Comic Book movies in a long time this video will be three minutes of giving DC and Warner Bros fellatio.

“I get 10 e-mails a day asking what I thought of Batman: The Dark Knight” We get it Bores you think you have fans that want your opinion. Also it’s just The Dark Knight there is no Batman in the title. He says he waited a while because he didn’t want to spoil anything, except a good movie reviewer has the intention NOT to spoil the movie. He starts talking about the 90s Batman films saying they suck by the Nolan-verse movies and he’ll never watch “these pathetic excuses of movies again.” Really, you call yourself a Batman fan and yet you hate the first Burton film? GET YOUR HEAD OUT OF YOUR ASS YOU COCK-MONGER!

He starts going on a rant about Harvey Dent being thrown in there and not getting enough development as Two-Face, yeah he’s actually giving a logical flaw in the movie. Bravo Bores you get another gold star, sadly you had the chance to earn a lot more but failed. IG begins to wonder what villain will be in the third film saying the best candidate is The Riddler. He also makes note of Clayface as “just like Sandman only made of clay” Dude, when has Sandman been able to transform into other people? He also references Black Mask but they won’t use him until the 10th film. Except the Nolan-Verse is going to be a Trilogy, this has been confirmed countless times.

Despite some of the stupid lines this is Chris Bores best video; yeah I’m surprised as well. Sadly we won’t see anything like this again; his following movie reviews are all the same “It was great” bullcrap he used before.

His last movie review for this analysis is Step Brothers, you know that Will Ferrell and John C. Reilly gross-out comedy that earned a lot of money but nobody remembers? It’s pretty much the same broad descriptions looking at the length, but I could be wrong?

EVERY REVIEW he says “I didn’t know what to expect…” EVERY FUCKING REVIEW! It feels like he took tidbits of the movie, placed them into a “book report generator” of some sort and used that result. He goes on and on about the movie being funny, a couple seconds of plot, and then this quote “Now usually Will Ferrell movies are usually a hit or miss in terms of comedy.” Unless he’s doing this unscripted (HA) then he needs to go back to school.

Another dull and dreary review that accomplished nothing but adding another video to Bores’ pile of donkey crap. Let’s end this rant with “Meditation Ritual Gone Wrong” a 26 second clip that I’m guessing Bores made to try and convince us he’s a legit filmmaker. Oh, it was made in 2004 so you can tell this is going to suck!

The joke is Bores cloned himself and they’re all meditating when one of them farts, that’s it. I’m going to quote FFL2and3Rocks again (the Third Rate Gamer) “I’m going to do something really funny! Are you ready? Here it goes! *prolonged fart* wasn’t that hilarious? Huh no, it wasn’t? Well how about if I do this? *creates Third Rate clones* No still not funny? Well fuck you you’re blocked.” I think that says it all.

Whew, finally done with that crap. But next time we’ll cover 4 more of his videos! AHHHH! We’ll dissect his Home Improvement for the SNES review, his thoughts on The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor, a DirecTV Commercial Spoof (ugh), and Final Fantasy 3 on the DS. That’s all for now folks!