Hey kids do you know what time it is? It’s time for “Chris Bores plays modern games for 20 minutes and gives full reviews of them!” We’ve got two of his “Neo” reviews today so let’s get rolling.
The first piece of idiocy is his review of Boom Blox Bash Party, the sequel to the best-selling Steven Spielberg game that takes physics and makes them fun.
Intro: My friend BahamutSeven pointed this out, if these are modern reviews why does he have a clip of Super Mario Bros 2 (GBA version) and that clip from Contra Part 2 holding a Game Genie? I thought the “Neo” show was about modern video games, he can’t even get his intros right.
0:20 – 0:28: “I’m going to review Boom Blox Bash Party, and I thought this game was really fun to play” Oh good the review is over see ya!
*Bores continues* Damn it.
0:30 – 1:15: Did I mention these videos are boring? We could volunteer IG’s videos to sleep experts and have them advertise it as a sleep aide! Wait the Irritated Gamer already did that joke but honestly IG’s voice can put anyone to sleep.
1:24 – 1:31: IG mentions how most of the levels are locked, even labeling the squares with locks on them. Really Chris, those padlocks mean the levels can’t be accessed? Tell me more oh spokesman of Fisher-Price.
1:33: “Only by beating a level will the next one be unlocked” Okay I declare Chris Bores the new King of Obvious, a title that’s both respected and despised.
1:44 – 1:57: After pointing out the animal that tells you your goal he “notices” something and sees photoshopped text that orders Bores to make the Penguin a sandwich. He responds “Get your own sandwich asshole I’m in the middle of a game review here” and stares at the camera trying to imply “that’s where you’re supposed to laugh.”
Saying “Make me a
Third Rate Gamer: Get your own sandwich I’m in the middle of a bad joke here *stares at camera with constipated look* Or if you make fun of IG’s bad jokes, then it’s hilarious.
He gives an explanation of the medals, while putting green circles around them because his fans are pants-on-head stupid. Seriously we can see what you’re referring to you don’t have to hold our hands.
2:22: “At first you don’t succeed, keep on sucking until you see.”
*Vegeta’s nose starts to bleed*
Nappa: You okay Vegeta?
Vegeta: Yes just, just an aneurysm out of sheer stupidity
Nappa: Wow, didn’t think you were that stupid Vegeta
Some more boring explanations and jokes later
3:04: He notes that getting Gold Medals isn’t a big deal as you don’t get anything for it, and I’m not kidding here, he photoshops himself onto a Wheaties Box because… ummm… BREAKFAST IS RUINED! Was that the best joke you could come up with Chris? In fact this joke seems like something Family Guy would do in a desperate situation. I hate this show so much.
The review ends with IG mentioning the multiplayer and having Ronnie the Jewish Skeleton play with him. Wow, how boring and forgetful.
I should mention this review came out over two months ago but he just uploaded it to YouTube today because Chris Bores is a lazy git.
Next up his review of Guitar Hero Van Halen, it can only be seen on GottGame now but I watched it earlier and the site doesn’t run like 90s Yahoo anymore.
0:20 – 0:34: IG notes he obtained an early copy of GH:VH and says “It’s about time I got some Irate Gamer clod around here.” I’m sorry what? If someone can translate what he said I’ll correct this.
Note the arrogance in his voice when he says he got this early, like he’s thinking “Durrr people are finally recognizing my greatness.” It’s not a big deal, if you pre-ordered Guitar Hero 5 you got a copy of VH for free. I guess the staff of GottGame pre-ordered multiple copies and sent one of the spare VH discs to Bores.
0:45: “Just from the opening sequence you can tell you made a great purchase” What purchase, this game was free with the purchase of a different game. And again why does the opening matter? It doesn’t affect gameplay or overall quality (unless you can’t skip it then that’s problematic).
0:57: Look at the awkward strumming, it’s embarrassing.
I should point out he’s playing on the Medium setting, I guess he’s improved since that disastrous Beatles Rock Band performance at E3.
1:12 – 1:25: You know for someone that calls himself the “Irate Gamer” he’s being overly positive about this.
1:40 – 2:00: IG complains that the game doesn’t go by chronological album release and doesn’t have Sammy Hagar and Michael Anthony. So? GH Metallica didn’t have Cliff Burton or Jason Newstead. Also if the game went by album release the songlist would be extremely unbalanced, Eruption would be the second song and nobody would want that.
2:01 – 2:13: Bores starts whining that there’s more then Van Halen songs in the career mode and they shouldn’t be here.
2:14 – 2:21: Hey, remember that “Jungle Improvement” joke from his Home Improvement review? That joke that completely hurts your soul and destroys your perception of humanity? Well he recycles that with “This is supposed to be Guitar Hero Van Halen, not Guitar Hero Van Halen Blink-182 Billy Joel Third Eye Blind Weez-“
Wait wait wait, Billy Joel? As in Captain Jack/Piano Man/Only The Good Die Young Billy Joel? What the fuck? Billy Joel isn’t in this game, did he mean Billy Idol? Because White Wedding is one of the first songs of the career mode and… how the hell did he confuse them?
Oh yeah I remember when Billy Joel made a song about his sister’s shotgun wedding, forced to marry a guy because she got pregnant.
Bores how can you make so many mistakes in your videos? It’s like you’re trying to completely fail at these reviews. Reminds me of his Harvey Birdman review where he called Freezoid "Reducto" even though they're nothing alike.
2:22: “I wouldn’t have minded if these songs were playable outside of career mode, but career should have only Van Halen.” I can imagine him playing Guitar Hero Aerosmith or Metallica and bitching “Why is Cheap Trick the first song and not Aerosmith? Why is Bob Segar in Metallica’s career mode? Waaaaaaah”
2:32: “This game has more Van Halen songs then you can shake a stick at” CLICHES LADIES & GENTLEMEN!
2:41 – 2:54: “It could be worse” Uh oh I smell another Chris Bores joke coming. IG dubs in Lovin’ You by Minnie Riperton and fakes some disgusted reactions.
THE NOSTALGIA CRITIC DOES NOT APPROVE!
2:56 – 3:02: “There is not a lot wrong with this game, I liked it a lot.” Again, aren’t you supposed to be the “Irate” Gamer as in someone that’s angry at video games?
So he ends the review saying Guitar Hero Van Halen was fantastic and liked that they included Panama (or as he pronounces it “Panamaw”) which shouldn’t be a surprise since Panama was one of their biggest hits.
Overall these reviews added absolutely nothing and endlessly bored me to sleepy tears. Come on Bores I want you to do something really stupid, I want to see something that makes the Aladdin review look like nothing. MOVE IT MOVE IT MOVE IT!
Stay brutal my readers.