Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Two completely forgettable and boring modern reviews

Hey kids do you know what time it is? It’s time for “Chris Bores plays modern games for 20 minutes and gives full reviews of them!” We’ve got two of his “Neo” reviews today so let’s get rolling.


The first piece of idiocy is his review of Boom Blox Bash Party, the sequel to the best-selling Steven Spielberg game that takes physics and makes them fun.


Intro: My friend BahamutSeven pointed this out, if these are modern reviews why does he have a clip of Super Mario Bros 2 (GBA version) and that clip from Contra Part 2 holding a Game Genie? I thought the “Neo” show was about modern video games, he can’t even get his intros right.


0:20 – 0:28: “I’m going to review Boom Blox Bash Party, and I thought this game was really fun to play” Oh good the review is over see ya!


*Bores continues* Damn it.


0:30 – 1:15: Did I mention these videos are boring? We could volunteer IG’s videos to sleep experts and have them advertise it as a sleep aide! Wait the Irritated Gamer already did that joke but honestly IG’s voice can put anyone to sleep.


1:24 – 1:31: IG mentions how most of the levels are locked, even labeling the squares with locks on them. Really Chris, those padlocks mean the levels can’t be accessed? Tell me more oh spokesman of Fisher-Price.


1:33: “Only by beating a level will the next one be unlocked” Okay I declare Chris Bores the new King of Obvious, a title that’s both respected and despised.


1:44 – 1:57: After pointing out the animal that tells you your goal he “notices” something and sees photoshopped text that orders Bores to make the Penguin a sandwich. He responds “Get your own sandwich asshole I’m in the middle of a game review here” and stares at the camera trying to imply “that’s where you’re supposed to laugh.”


Saying “Make me a Sandwich bitch” is only funny if you say it to a woman, and the person was real, and it wasn’t photoshopped into a video game, and it wasn’t overly contrived.


Third Rate Gamer: Get your own sandwich I’m in the middle of a bad joke here *stares at camera with constipated look* Or if you make fun of IG’s bad jokes, then it’s hilarious.


He gives an explanation of the medals, while putting green circles around them because his fans are pants-on-head stupid. Seriously we can see what you’re referring to you don’t have to hold our hands.


2:22: “At first you don’t succeed, keep on sucking until you see.”

*Vegeta’s nose starts to bleed*

Nappa: You okay Vegeta?
Vegeta: Yes just, just an aneurysm out of sheer stupidity

Nappa: Wow, didn’t think you were that stupid Vegeta

Vegeta: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!


Some more boring explanations and jokes later


3:04: He notes that getting Gold Medals isn’t a big deal as you don’t get anything for it, and I’m not kidding here, he photoshops himself onto a Wheaties Box because… ummm… BREAKFAST IS RUINED! Was that the best joke you could come up with Chris? In fact this joke seems like something Family Guy would do in a desperate situation. I hate this show so much.


The review ends with IG mentioning the multiplayer and having Ronnie the Jewish Skeleton play with him. Wow, how boring and forgetful.


I should mention this review came out over two months ago but he just uploaded it to YouTube today because Chris Bores is a lazy git.


Next up his review of Guitar Hero Van Halen, it can only be seen on GottGame now but I watched it earlier and the site doesn’t run like 90s Yahoo anymore.


0:20 – 0:34: IG notes he obtained an early copy of GH:VH and says “It’s about time I got some Irate Gamer clod around here.” I’m sorry what? If someone can translate what he said I’ll correct this.


Note the arrogance in his voice when he says he got this early, like he’s thinking “Durrr people are finally recognizing my greatness.” It’s not a big deal, if you pre-ordered Guitar Hero 5 you got a copy of VH for free. I guess the staff of GottGame pre-ordered multiple copies and sent one of the spare VH discs to Bores.


0:45: “Just from the opening sequence you can tell you made a great purchase” What purchase, this game was free with the purchase of a different game. And again why does the opening matter? It doesn’t affect gameplay or overall quality (unless you can’t skip it then that’s problematic).


0:57: Look at the awkward strumming, it’s embarrassing.


I should point out he’s playing on the Medium setting, I guess he’s improved since that disastrous Beatles Rock Band performance at E3.


1:12 – 1:25: You know for someone that calls himself the “Irate Gamer” he’s being overly positive about this.


1:40 – 2:00: IG complains that the game doesn’t go by chronological album release and doesn’t have Sammy Hagar and Michael Anthony. So? GH Metallica didn’t have Cliff Burton or Jason Newstead. Also if the game went by album release the songlist would be extremely unbalanced, Eruption would be the second song and nobody would want that.


2:01 – 2:13: Bores starts whining that there’s more then Van Halen songs in the career mode and they shouldn’t be here.


2:14 – 2:21: Hey, remember that “Jungle Improvement” joke from his Home Improvement review? That joke that completely hurts your soul and destroys your perception of humanity? Well he recycles that with “This is supposed to be Guitar Hero Van Halen, not Guitar Hero Van Halen Blink-182 Billy Joel Third Eye Blind Weez-“


Wait wait wait, Billy Joel? As in Captain Jack/Piano Man/Only The Good Die Young Billy Joel? What the fuck? Billy Joel isn’t in this game, did he mean Billy Idol? Because White Wedding is one of the first songs of the career mode and… how the hell did he confuse them?

Oh yeah I remember when Billy Joel made a song about his sister’s shotgun wedding, forced to marry a guy because she got pregnant.

Bores how can you make so many mistakes in your videos? It’s like you’re trying to completely fail at these reviews. Reminds me of his Harvey Birdman review where he called Freezoid "Reducto" even though they're nothing alike.


2:22: “I wouldn’t have minded if these songs were playable outside of career mode, but career should have only Van Halen.” I can imagine him playing Guitar Hero Aerosmith or Metallica and bitching “Why is Cheap Trick the first song and not Aerosmith? Why is Bob Segar in Metallica’s career mode? Waaaaaaah”


2:32: “This game has more Van Halen songs then you can shake a stick at” CLICHES LADIES & GENTLEMEN!


2:41 – 2:54: “It could be worse” Uh oh I smell another Chris Bores joke coming. IG dubs in Lovin’ You by Minnie Riperton and fakes some disgusted reactions.

THE NOSTALGIA CRITIC DOES NOT APPROVE!


2:56 – 3:02: “There is not a lot wrong with this game, I liked it a lot.” Again, aren’t you supposed to be the “Irate” Gamer as in someone that’s angry at video games?


So he ends the review saying Guitar Hero Van Halen was fantastic and liked that they included Panama (or as he pronounces it “Panamaw”) which shouldn’t be a surprise since Panama was one of their biggest hits.


Overall these reviews added absolutely nothing and endlessly bored me to sleepy tears. Come on Bores I want you to do something really stupid, I want to see something that makes the Aladdin review look like nothing. MOVE IT MOVE IT MOVE IT!


Stay brutal my readers.

27 comments:

  1. I'm still laughing at how the Irate Gamer can't even get his own goddamn intro right!

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  2. Mr. Batdan, sir. I have an idea on what you can do. Why not make a blog entry about Zombies Ate My Neighbors being on the Virtual Console at long last? Why, I bet you can even make a review of the game to celebrate and to prove how better you can be at making game reviews. Sounds interesting, no?

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  3. @AngrySun
    I've been wanting to do reviews for years, hell I did video reviews in High School all the way back in 2005 (don't ask for them they suck ass).

    However one tiny problem has prevented me from perusing this... money.
    I don't have a job and the market is nearly empty, I've seen medical professionals live in tents it's that bad.

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  4. That's not what I meant.
    What I meant is that you make a textual review of Zombies Ate My Neighbors here on this blog and celebrate the fact that it's now out on the Virtual Console. Just imagine the great amount of dignity the game itself gets.

    Why I bet an Irate Fanboy could download the game, coming in with all those low expectations he gets from all the lies Irate Lamer fed to him, but then *shock* he ends up enjoying it! He may then tell the other fanboys and fangirls that Irate Lamer was wrong all along about Zombies Ate My Neighbors being a bad game! They will either agree with him, or troll him for "betraying them and their Irate Master!!1!" just because he stopped liking the Irate Lamer.

    I bet an article dedicated to ZAMN can attract even more gamers, who believe in what is right, to this very blog. Soon, the Irate Lamer will finally begin to lose his grip on Youtube, as more and more people unsubscribe to him, finding better things to do and to beleive in.

    This is why it is so great that two and a half years after his terrible video about ZAMN, he would get a rude awakening when a fan of his actually decides to disagree with him. This may be the beginning of the end of the Irate Lamer.

    Peace:)

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  5. In response to one of your points: "'There is not a lot wrong with this game, I liked it a lot.' Again, aren’t you supposed to be the 'Irate' Gamer as in someone that’s angry at video games?"

    You mean you actually want him to force his anger and subject you to his horrendous acting and equally shitty green screen scenes? Maybe you should quit while you're ahead; this whole business is messing with your brain. I mean, seriously, I'm worried.

    And I'll be honest; I found the Van Halen review to be the least offensive. Not saying that it was good or anything, but it was the least offensive of his offerings thus far. Maybe if he spent the majority of his reviews in this calm demeanor and not acting like a constipated jackass with ADD, his stuff would marginally improve... maybe.

    Oh, who am I kidding?

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  6. @damien
    I guess my brain wasn't ready to handle the massive levels of bullshit again. I'll try to do better next time.

    Even if he did switch to a calm demeanor it still wouldn't help. He would still use those pointless side characters, get all his facts wrong, and he'll be far more boring then usually.

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  7. Yeah but see, that wouldn't be a bad thing. Instead of a shitty angry reviewer, you'd get a shitty calm but boring reviewer. People would be bored to tears by his non-angry poop and notice his poor standards that they would most likely drop dead or unsubscribe. Right now, people watch him because he's "angry" and retarded. Take that away and people probably won't care and move on to other things that are less boring.

    Unless, of course, people are really, really stupid.

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  8. I'm going with people are incredibly stupid.
    Why do you think Fred has so many fans?

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  9. Okay, I'm probably in the minority so forgive my ignorance, but you've stumped me, sir, since I don't know who this Fred person is.

    Honestly... I don't know this Fred person. Who is he? Where did he come from? And why should I care about him?

    Someone enlighten me please so I don't have to search YouTube and be pleasantly disappointed.

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  10. Fred is a moron. That is all you need to know.

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  11. Fred is the most accurate representation of a "YouTube Spokesperson"
    A 15 year old kid speeds up his voice, pretends he's 6 years old, and does stupid shit.
    It's like Foamy the Squirrel only really ugly and far more annoying.

    Sadly YouTube thinks his "kid-friendly" material is quality so he's constantly featured, he was the first user to reach 1 Million Subscribers and they're making a movie.

    However anyone with a brain can tell you Fred is an annoying piece of shit that appeals to retarded neanderthals.

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  12. Can you confirm the rumour that Chris Bores works at Burger King as his day job?

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  13. I laughed out loud when he said "Panimaw" like he's only heard the song and never heard of, you know, the country.

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  14. @Burger King rumor
    Guru Larry once said Bores works in his parents paint shop, I guess all the fumes gave him the idea to be complete douchebag.
    Larry is reliable since he used to be friends with Bores, I say used to because IG unsubscribed and de-friended his account ScrewAttackEurope.

    @Justin:
    I should keep a counter for each moment that Chris Bores butchers the English Language. Or make an article about it.

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  15. @ Batdan
    I see. This Larry guy could help us out in understanding what makes Irate Lamer tick. If we ask the right questions and do not sink to Irate Lamer's level, or the level of his fanboys, we may be able to either convine him to be a better reviewer, convine his fanboys to shut up, or we can go as far as convince Youtube to kick his fat ass outta there. Well are you gonna ask Larry now? If so...

    GO DO IT! FOR ALL OF US!!
    FOR THE MOTHER LAND!!!

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  16. Chris Bores: the George W. Bush of all video game reviewers.

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  17. No, Anonymous person. Dubya makes a better reviewer than Chris "Seriously" Bores.

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  18. I'd have to agree actually. George W. Bush would be overrating Chris. Bush is actually entertaining and Chris isn't. But yet again I'm anonymous, time to go register an account or something.

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  19. I would watch George Bush do game reviews.

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  20. No doubt Bush would attribute bad games as the works of terrorism.

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  21. Just a minor nitpick from your GHVH review...

    The free GHVH offer was good for anyone who bought GH5 a month after its release. You just had to redeem it before the end of Sept 2009. People didn't have to preorder GH5 to get GHVH for free.

    Of course, his "Irate Gamer clout" is just as big as EVERYBODY ELSES who bought GH5 when it came out and redeemed themselves a free GH game. Whoop-dee-friggin'-do.

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  22. Also...

    “It’s about time I got some Irate Gamer clod around here.”

    So he's happy that he got a lump of clay? Or that he's a stupid person?

    Or did he mean "clout," like the anonymous person above me said he meant?

    Maybe he meant "clot", as in Irate Gamer has a clot in his brain that makes him say moronic things.

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  23. @Anon:
    Well I stopped playing the games a while back due to a severe addiction so I don't follow all the Guitar Hero/Rock Band news.
    Really if anyone that bought GH5 can get GH:VH then how is it so fucking special?

    And I looked up what clout means, and it has nothing to do with free stuff or praise.
    So we still don't know what he said.

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  24. Here's some perfectly useful* research I did from a dictionary I just have on hand regarding Borian's message...

    Borian mentions that he has "Irate Gamer Clod." According to said dictionary, the definition(s) of clod goes something like this:

    CLOD, noun
    1 - a lump of earth or clay
    (This is what I believed IG might have meant, considering his brain equates to something like this, but then again, I somehow doubt it.)

    2 - INFORMAL a stupid person (often used as a general term of abuse)
    (So IG is trying to tell us that he's stupid? That he is subtly admitting this? Could this be what he meant? I don't know.)

    Now, anon might have suggested that "clout" is the word IG was looking for - actually, he casually mentioned the word in his post. For the uninformed, the definition(s) of clout goes something like this:

    CLOUT, noun
    1 - INFORMAL a heavy blow with the hand or a hard object
    (So IG was hit with a hard object? Well, if that's the case, it didn't work because his videos are still full of stupid, so that can't be it.)

    2 - INFORMAL influence or power, especially in politics or business
    (This could be what IG meant to say, but considering he's neither in politics or business, that honestly can't be it either... unless the whole Youtube partnership deal is a "business" affair. I wouldn't know - I'm not a partner, so moving on...)

    3- ARCHAIC a piece of cloth or clothing, especially one used as a patch
    (So apparently, IG is using his unsold and unwanted T-shirts to patch something up, but given the general quality of his videos, I doubt a few shitty shirts are enough to patch things up. Next...)

    4 - ARCHERY a target used in long-distance shooting, placed flat on the ground with a flag marking its center
    (So IG has taken up archery all of a sudden? Curious...)

    Of course, clout can be a verb too, which means hitting someone with a hand or hard object. Or it could indicate mending something with a patch. So that can't be it either.

    I'd bring up CLOT as another possibility, but all that means is "a thick mass of coagulated liquid, eps. blood, or of material stuck together". It could also mean a foolish or clumsy person, but that hardly applies to what IG meant... even if it applies to him directly.

    So after doing all of this perfectly necessary* research... I still have no idea what IG was trying to say. There are so many variables here and that's it mindboggling and I'm going to end this right now.

    *by which I mean not at all

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  25. "I think some things should have been improved on. First of let's talk about the career mode. It's amazing. And I am going to praise it for 20 seconds."

    -facepalm-

    Do you even read your script, Bores? No, you don't. When you say "some things need to improve" you talk about the things that need to improve. You don't talk positively about the game for 20 seconds and then talk about what could have been improved.

    BatDan, I don't blame you for not noticing that flaw. The irategamer's videos have so many flaws that not even you can spot them all.

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    Replies
    1. Brilliant. That's like that old joke "I hate being bipolar, it's fantastic" - except Bores wasn't trying to be funny.

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  26. When he says "career mode" it sounds like "queer mode".

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