Thursday, November 12, 2009

By Popular Demand: The Robocop Review

Well I’ve been putting this one off for a while but by request I will do Irate Gamer’s Robocop review, rather SWAG and Irate Gamer’s Robocop review.

Since both of them talk in the review, I’ll point out in each time lapse the person talking.


0:17 – 0:55: SWAG starts out here. He talks about Robocop being popular and the good Arcade title developed by Ocean Software and how they fucked up by giving Data East the rights to publish the NES version.

Actually Ocean never developed it, they acquired the rights with Data East asking for permission to make the games. DE made both the Arcade and NES versions. Did Bores help you with the research?


0:56 – 1:19: IG begins talking. Notice how SWAG sounds civilized but Bores sounds like a caveman?

He points out the opening cut scene with Robocop shooting a gun but all you do in the game is punch, and without explanation to why this punch is horrible. Then he delves into the same “lack of story bullshit” once again showing that he’s not a gamer.


1:19 – 1:36: SWAG agrees with the lack of story (guh?) and you should start out as Alex Murphy and follow the movie’s plot. He acknowledges the BRUTALLY violent gunning down scene but they should have found a way to tone it down.

Are you aware of Nintendo’s censorship polices? In fact the original movie scene was so violent they had to constantly tone it down for an acceptable R rating, you can find the uncut version on YouTube.


1:37 – 2:11: IG starts up again. He points out the 8-Bit rendition of the movie’s theme and how it sucks. Then he acknowledges that 8-Bit software has limitations… wait what? He finally acknowledges that NES games have limited software despite his whiny rant in the TMNT review about the NES port of the Arcade game sucking the big one?

FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU- *static*


Then he compares the two themes and that it’s the only music you’ll hear throughout the entire game.


2:12 – 2:32: SWAG points out the strange sounds the dogs make, the fact that Robocop is even fighting dogs (“this didn’t happen in the movie!”) and makes a cringing joke about calling PETA. Did Bores write your jokes as well?


2:32 – 2:59: IG wonders who the first boss is since he’s bigger then Robocop and deflects bullets (rule of movie-based games, there will be bosses that weren’t in the movie DUH). Then asks why you have to kill the second boss by punching him instead of shooting him. A user named “vnisanian2001” pointed out you CAN shoot him to death, so once again Bores lied.


3:00 – 3:30: SWAG shows the bonus FPS stages but comments they were an afterthought, and the game’s lack of replay value saying if you beat it once you can do it again in less then 30 minutes. Holy crap actual points about the game! Oh wait this is SWAG talking not Bores… never mind then.


3:31 – 3:58: IG says the only fun parts of the game are fighting ED-209 (he pronounces it wrong spelling out ED and not saying it) but whines that the animation sucks and he can do better. THEN DO BETTER YOU DOUCHE! I’d like to see you make an 8-Bit video game oh that’s right you can’t!

He continues whining that the ending was “anticlimatic” (seriously that’s how he pronounced it) and the “See You Again” credit is bullshit (why?)


3:59 – 4:09: SWAG asks if we blame Data East or Ocean, I’m not sure what the point of this question was…


So the video ends with Bores announcing that someone needs to pay, so he takes out a laptop and “activates” Robocop. We cut to SWAG covered in Tinfoil, apparently this is the best Robocop costume he could get. TinfoilCop mentions his third objective is to “Destroy Makers of Shitty Video Games” Was this an unused plotline from Robocop 3 or something?


Bores orders him to destroy Ocean and shows off his acting talent by shouting “Yes Yes” and waving his arms around, this is just painful and shameful rolled into one. TinfoilCop walks to a nearby beach to “destroy ocean”, he says the famous line “Your Move Creep” and starts getting swept away because “the ocean is too strong.” Bores then gets an idea and orders him to destroy R&B Singer Billy Ocean. Why? So we can see TinfoilCop walk across an extremely unconvincing green screen backdrop!


This review sucked ass. The credits did mention that Bores co-wrote which explains the lame jokes and lack of research.

I don’t know SWAG seems like an intelligent guy how could he fall for Bores’ bullcrap?


Now to just wait for Bores to release another video, until that time Stay Brutal My Readers.

22 comments:

  1. Speaking of PETA...
    (retarded PETA band music plays)

    "When der fuehrer says we is de master race
    We heil(fart)
    heil(fart)
    right in der fueher's face
    Not to love der fuehrer is a great disgrace
    So we heil(FART)
    heil(FART)
    right in der fuehrer's face"

    they just released a new Super Chick Sisters game. :(

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  2. @anon.

    Hehehe I do love that old song...

    Wait PETA made a new Super Chick Sisters game?!?!??!

    FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU (Static)

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  3. You know, PETA's message with these games might be clearer if the games didn't suck ass.
    PETA might also be taken seriously if they didn't do moronic ideas like that.

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  4. @ Batdan

    Oh their message was pretty clear, but I can't remember what it was.

    Probably something to do with KILLING JEWS, perhaps?!

    ...

    Okay, THAT RIGHT THERE was a joke. I'm sorry if anyone was offended, but seriously.

    These PETA people are fucking Nazis, man!!
    And here I thought World War II was over.(LOL)
    Oh boy. :(

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  5. @anon,

    dude, calm down, they may be crackpots but still.

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  6. Thank you fattoler.
    Now let's get to what this blog is really about, how much the Irate Gamer sucks.

    And I've got a juicy one now.
    According to his "List of Reviews" page the next one will come out "Novemeber (sic) 2009" but it's subject to change.

    Wow, that's almost as bad as April 31st.

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  7. Very understated considering a man covered himself in fucking TIN FOIL.

    Good stuff as always.

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  8. @BatDan,

    hehe, did he not proof-read his own shit?

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  9. I'd like to point out that he can't get his you'res and yours right just like the majority of the internet (I saw it on his responses from ages ago). Seriously, did these people even pass English?

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  10. A couple thoughts crossed my mind and please bare with me:

    - Now I've never played the arcade Robocop, but I doubt that game had any levels where you played as Officer Murphy. Can anyone who has played the game confirm that so that I may follow up with an appropriate reply? Thanks.

    - Contrary to IG's boneheaded commentary, I think the theme on the NES game plays fine - repetitive, yes, but at least it's inoffensive. In any case, be glad the theme is in there at all; a good chunk of licensed NES games based on any movie or series lack any rendition of that movie/series' theme or related music.

    - Why do I care what the dog sounds like when it's attacking or dying? It's trying to kill me, that's all that matters. Also, why is a flaw to feature enemies in the game that weren't in the movie? I don't get that. Batman on NES is a damn fine game, but did half the stuff featured in the game happen in the movie? No. Is that a flaw? No, it makes the game more varied and less boring. And... why am I ranting about this? I forgot the point I was making... oh well. Moving on...

    - It's been a while since I've seen Robocop, but I seem to recall that Robocop blew up ED-209 with one shot from the Cobra Gun... and yet it doesn't do that here. I'm surprised IG didn't point this out since it's not an accurate portrayal of what happens in the movie... but whatever.

    - The ending is anticlimactic? It's practically the same ending as the movie, only in 8-bit! Are you telling me the movie ended anticlimactically?!

    That's all for me. If I can find another excuse to ramble, I'll let you know.

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  11. @damien

    I don't think you played as Murphy in the Arcade version. Why would you want to anyway? Murphy isn't cool, Robocop is. You don't want to play a cop that gets violently gunned down.

    Thank you, just be glad we even got an 8-Bit rendition of the movie's theme. Remember the AVGN's two Terminator videos? He was upset that none of the games had the theme music, that's a bigger offense then "changing the popular theme."

    Batman is a great game, I don't care that you fight ninjas, guys with flamethrowers, Firefly, machines, or anything else that wasn't in the movie. By IG's logic the game sucks because "It's too hard and it's nothing like the movie."

    I'm not saying Robocop on NES is a good game (I've never played it so I can't say) but Bores judgement of the game is horrible.

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  12. @BatDan
    Exactly. Back when I played this game as a kid, I didn't care that I wasn't bearing witness to a no-name cop getting gunned down; I was just excited to play as Robocop! After all, isn't that the title character of the franchise? Someone should mention that point to SWAG or even his good buddy Irate SchlockFest.

    Getting back to Batman, that game doesn't have the movie theme... the only real regret I have with the game. Considering the already awesome music in that game, though, it's forgivable. But Irate Logic would dictate otherwise, I suppose.

    By the way, I do have a copy of the NES game and I can honestly say that the only accurately valid statement in that entire mess of a video is what SWAG said about the limited replay value. It's not a bad game per se, but it's average at best.

    ---

    P.S. I still don't get the point of TinFoilRentACop... nor do I find any integrity in that entire skit. Not only that, but do YOU remember TinFoilRentACop from the movie? 'Cause I sure don't...

    Okay, I'm going away now. Bye...

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  13. I rarely comment on here because I generally stay away from the whole Irate Gamer controversy/scandal/whatever deal, but seeing this review had prompted me to add a couple thoughts to the matter...

    @damien
    As someone who also has a copy of the NES Robocop and have had many fond memories playing it as a child, I will agree that Robocop is an average game and once I get around to finally beating it (I'm presently stumped on the final ED-209 fight), it will be gathering dust on a shelf somewhere.

    For the most part, I have no major issues with the game. Standard walk-and-gun side-scroller with generally bland level design - it's a pretty straightforward deal. But what really kills the game for me are the stairs.

    Specifically, while it is possible to climb up stairs without a problem, climbing down stairs is a bit of a hassle because you have to be at a precise point before you can climb the steps.

    It's a seemingly minor flaw, but it slows the game down as you're wasting precious seconds off your time limit trying to climb down a set of stairs... all the while thugs are running in and getting cheap shots at you. It's an incredibly frustrating moment that occurs all too often... and somewhat of a more legitimate complaint when compared to, say, what sounds the dog makes when they attack or get killed.

    Also, as you and BatDan have stated, we should be thankful that Robocop NES even has the theme music in it, because I've played a bit of Robocop 2 for NES a while back and from what I remember, I've not heard one song resembling THE theme. I could be wrong since I've not fared all too well in that game.

    And of course, as pointed out before, a number of licensed titles also lack the theme music of those properties... then again, this is only an admittedly minor complaint as long as the game itself is good.

    @BatDan
    Not necessarily a comment to the post above, but I would like to compliment you on a great job you've been doing analysing the various mistakes and whatnot of the Irate Gamer videos. Despite the rather stagnant quality of his videos and other quibbles, I'll admit to finding some strange - some would say perverted - enjoyment out of them (until his recent History of Video Games almost literally bored me to tears - no pun intended) and no doubt your blog has enhanced the experience even moreso. In fact, I re-watched some of the older stuff trying to catch points you mentioned that I missed in earlier viewings. I, uh, doubt that was the intended effect you're going for here, but regardless, keep up the good work and I look forward to reading some more in the future.

    Later.

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  14. Typical Irate Gamer bullshit. Too bad he had to sucker in this SWAGshow guy. Or worse, maybe SWAG really did volunteer to help Bores. In that case, he doesn't deserve any pity for looking like an ass.

    As for Robocop for the NES, it is a good game. Is it perfect? No. But it is a decent adaptation of the arcade game, considering the NES' limitations.

    As for the Robocop theme, how can Bores complain that they actually bothered to include the theme in 8-bit form? Oh right. This is the same guy who said that the music for the NES version of the Back to the Future was O.K., even though it drove him crazy through repetition.

    And did SWAGshow take acting lessons from the Genie in IG's Aladdin review? I've seen California redwoods that were less wooden. By the way, here's a tip. If you go into the ocean, water is wet. So maybe you could have doused that tin foil in some water. Oops. What am I talking about? This is Irate Gamer's level of special effects.

    And why is SWAG and IG bitching about no story in a 8-bit video game from the late 1980's? If you want a story, then go read a fucking novel. Christ, what a pair of dipshits.

    All we need now is for the Irate Gamer and Game Dude to do a video together (even though the GD claims that he hates the IG). The sheer suckitude of that would be enough to make the universe implode.

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  15. Man, Game Dude is better than Irate Dude... there, I've said it. Even though I've only seen one Game Dude episode, at least that one episode didn't Chris Bored me to sleep like the whole lot of Irate Nyquil.

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  16. I can just imagine the two together in a review, time for one of my scripts!

    IG: Well hello and today we have a special guest, the game dude!

    GD: Hi, i'm da GameDude and I am Nerdspired

    IG: Who da fuck is the Nerd

    GD: You know the Angry Video Game Nerd.

    IG: (Long Pause)... er.. well me and James are close friends and I have not watched his videos for 2 years and I do not subscribe to him, so go fuck yourself you gaming asshole!

    GD: Yeah sure, anyways, the 2d Super Mario Series was awesome...

    IG: Uh, YEAH U THIUNK! Super Mario Bros 2 was the worst game I ever played in my life! What a Cowabunga sheet!

    GD: You mean what a fuck-platypus!

    IG: Yeah sure, Super Mario Brothers 2 was completely different from the first and third Mario games therefore it sucks, but believe it or not after going to the Library of Congress I found out that the original super Mario Brothers was never released in the U.S. and that what we got was doki doki picnic, what a bunch of bogus buttwaffles!

    GD: But we're not talking about that shitload of fuck as the Nerd would say...

    IG: Who?

    GD: ... We're talking about the 3d super Mario Games, Super Mario 64 retained a dreamlike assmosphere but Super Mario sunshine was a piece of shit! Look at this (circles something not remotely dickshaped) why is there a DICK in a Mario game and these stupid locals don't belong here! This is a Mario game, so have only mario characters in it as the Nerd would say...

    IG: Who?

    (The two continue for two minutes till they implode because of the sheer weight of stupidity and ego)

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  17. I always found his "I'm friends with James" comment peculiar.
    In 2009 he said "I haven't watched his videos in two years" yet in the UNN Interview (2008) he says "Me and James are friends"
    Plus what kind of friend would pretend you don't exist and remove any trace of your name from his page?

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  18. Yeah, it just adds another layer of bullshit to the mounting pile on Chris Bores

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  19. This was a terrible review that can summed up with a terrible joke:

    "Somebody call 911! I lost my SWAG!"

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  20. You want to know what's sad? People have tried to tell SWAG what a bad reviewer and a hack Chris Bores is, and every time they told him, SWAG would just keep denying them-- you can check out the comments on that review he did with IG.

    I'd also like to point out, this review was part of SWAG's "30 Reviews in 30 Days" event from 2008-- it was on day 29.

    BTW, SWAG (who really isn't a crappy reviewer) has done reviews from the event with better reviewers like Guru Larry from ScrewAttackEurope. :-)

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  21. I haven't actually seen this one, but the idea of a skit where he's told to attack Ocean and actually tries to attack an ocean "only it's too strong" could actually make for a funny 30-second skit. Buuuut, I'm sure he failed at something so simple.

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  22. @Linkara

    That's another problem I've noticed with his writing. His bits have potential but his execution is haphazard and always ends with a painful groan or awkward silence from the audience.

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