AHHH after 10,000 years I’m free! It’s time bash the Irate Gamers’ latest video!
God how long has it been since he made an actual retro review? All we’ve had are modern reviews that should really be first impressions, reviews of early consoles that he’s disguising as a history lesson, and other bullshit that doesn’t count.
But now we finally have a new video, and boy does it suck. He reviews two games based off The Kool-Aid Man.
Let’s check it out.
Intro: IG changed some of the images for his theme, adding the fake snake, Kid Icarus footage, and the scream in the cockpit (the only intentionally funny thing he’s ever done). He ends the theme with a hand-drawn title card related to the review. Gee, does that sound familiar?
0:20 - 0:37: Oh goody, some history about the Kool-Aid Man. “His popularity was so huge, that he even crossed over into the realm of video games.” Yeah I doubt that was a case of popularity, rather a case of marketing to kids. That’s why the Kool-Aid Man comics exist.
0:38 - 0:49: You notice how he never blinks? It’s like he doesn’t have eyelids it’s damn creepy.
0:50: Begins review of Atari 2600 game
1:01 - 1:29: After showing the opening of the game, he asks “what could be cooler” prompting the most predictable joke ever. The Kool-Aid Man bursts through the wall. By the way, you have to love how the hole has wrinkles and is completely inconsistent with the rest of the wall.
It seems all Kool-Aid Man can say is “Oh yeah!” even though he was perfectly capable of speaking full sentences in the commercials.
1:30 - 1:34: “How come these interruptions always happen on my show?” WHAT THE FUCK?
1. They happen because you put them in the script.
2. You have no idea how humor works.
3. They don’t only happen on your show. You’re stealing from the AVGN yet again you hack! Just come out and say you’re unoriginal and stop trying to censor the truth!
1:41: Another thing, enough with the green circles. Do you really think your audience is that retarded?
Well reading the comments, yes they are in fact that retarded.
1:49 - 1:52: After talking about the “emenies” he notes how each color comes from a different row. “In this row we find red balls, in this row we find orange balls…” If you do the joke I think you’re going to do I swear I’ll…
1:53: “And this row we only find blue balls, so guys you might want to avoid this row.” *pent-up rage* YOU ARE SCUM!
2:20 - 2:26: Why can’t you say enemies correctly? It’s not a hard word.
2:27 - 2:38: More forced reaction shots from The Bores as he shows his chronic Pac-Man Fever by jerking the Atari controller around.
2:39: Hey that’s my reaction to watching your videos (with apologies to judekhanzo).
2:41 - 3:05: He notes how the “emenies” bouncing you around gets annoying when the you’re almost out of water. Then… oh lord.
He uses the drowning music from Sonic the Hedgehog combined with reaction shots that look constipated rather then angry. He loses the game and let’s out a “Sheeit” meaning he still can’t curse.
That doesn’t seem like a flaw it sounds normal for an Atari game.
3:11: “Periodically letters will randomly fly across the screen.” HOW DOES THAT WORK? Do they work on a set timer or are they random? Seriously Chris you say these videos take months to make yet you can’t even find grammar mistakes like this?
3:17 - 3:31: IG says that getting any of the letters will turn you invincible, he gets one and starts screaming OH YEAH with some painfully ugly reaction shots. God he’s just ugly.
Wait, he’s saying “Oh Yeah” over and over again, and he’s reviewing the Kool-Aid Man. No Chris, don’t do what I think you’ll…
3:32: Kool-Aid Man bursts through another wall FUUUUUUUUUCK!
3:35 - 4:00: Another pointless and unfunny bit with IG yelling at Kool-Aid Man. Does his annoyance remind anyone else of the AVGN’s Bugs Bunny’s Birthday Blowout review?
4:01 - 4:11: He explains how to progress through the levels, and that each level gets faster. No really? I thought it would go the same pace throughout the entire game.
4:11 - 4:27: It’s time for another Chris Bores joke!
“If you think the first level is easy, just wait until you get to level 50!” Wow, nice editing there douche. That’s not funny at all either.
So Bores gives up because that editing effect took way too long.
4:28: Begins review of the Intellivision game, also this “If you can’t get enough of the big red guy” Why would we want more of him?
4:51: Really Chris? That’s a sink? I never would have thought of it unless you circled it. I’m pretty sure even your retarded fans could see that’s a sink!
Seriously he circles so many obvious things. We can tell what everything is you shithead.
5:11: “If they get close to you, they change direction and start chasing you.” What is this reviews by Idiots Weekly? This is obvious, what is good and what is bad about the game?
Really Chris? We don’t want this to happen? We don’t want the enemies to hit us?
5:33: “Not even a Final Fantasy item will cure this petrifaction” *prompts a fake Final Fantasy menu and tries to use a Soft*
THIS! ISN’T! FUNNY!
6:07: After explaining that getting the sugar requires a step-ladder and how exact you need to be (a legit flaw that he still messes up) he puts it to the left for absolutely no reason then to… make a reference to Pitfall. These games aren’t even on the same console, what sense does this make? GAAAAAAAAAH!
6:26 - 6:35: IG does a cutaway gag where he tries to make Kool-Aid with 4 seconds remaining and how it’s game over for us if we can’t make it in 10 minutes. He yells “DAMN IT” when time runs out and stares at the camera. Purpose Chris! We need purpose!
6:49: He shows the Intellivision Kool-Aid Man breaking through the wall prompting the Kool-Aid Man to once again break through his wall. Well this is the third time and obviously the Rule of Three must apply here right?
6:54 - 7:14: Another pointless scene where he yells at Kool-Aid Man, ending with him staring at the camera. You know, he can’t take time out of his “busy life” to take acting lessons? Or comedy lessons? Or ANYTHING to make his screen presence tolerable?
7:26 - 7:42: After noting you move on to another level he annoys us saying we’ll do the same thing again and again repeated ad naseum until we lose our minds making Kool-Aid. I’m losing my mind watching your shitty videos!
7:42: Seriously? Again with the Kool-Aid Man? You had to do this joke 4 times in this video? DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW COMEDY WORKS?
7:45 - 8:04: By the way, he went through the same wall as the first one. This is just bad, you can see the thing holding up the fabric. Bores stops playing and prepares to kill the Kool-Aid Man. He does another “one-liner” while staring at the camera (because that’s how Schwarzenegger and Stallone did it all the time duh) and the screen fades to black.
The review ends with that same snow shot he used in last year’s Christmas videos and watching the “Ronnie the Skeleton Christmas Special”. Yes, he’s using his Jewish Skeleton character to host a Christmas special. According to Bores, snowing on Christmas means it’s a miracle.
He mentions that he loves this show (I know but it’s almost over) and he gets more Kool-Aid from the Kool-Aid Man’s corpse. The video ends with Ronnie about to sing but cutting out before he does. THIS REVIEW SUCKS!
What reason was there to review Kool-Aid Man video games? Was he just looking for another annoying mascot to use?
Nothing in this review indicated those games sucked. The Atari game looked like any other game on the system, and he said nothing about the Intellivision game. Are the controls bad? Is it a worthy title for the Intellivision? I don’t know, he just described what you do and make pointless jokes!
Also how did this review take months? That effect with the Kool-Aid Man bursting through the walls was just a jump-cut, it’s not a legitimate effect.
Not to mention that ending bit with Ronnie was his cop-out excuse for a Christmas special. Yeah, even worse then a Halloween special about cereal.
Because when I think Christmas, I think of an unfunny hack drinking the blood of a sentient juice pitcher while an annoying Jewish Skeleton talks about Christmas.
Really though, the whole thing just reeked of the AVGN's review of Bugs Bunny's Birthday Blowout, only it wasn't funny or informative.
Until the next video or if I think of something else to talk about, I’ll see you next time. Also a belated Happy Holidays to everyone.