Saturday, December 26, 2009

The Kool-Aid Man's Birthday Blowout... Wait that's not it.

AHHH after 10,000 years I’m free! It’s time bash the Irate Gamers’ latest video!

God how long has it been since he made an actual retro review? All we’ve had are modern reviews that should really be first impressions, reviews of early consoles that he’s disguising as a history lesson, and other bullshit that doesn’t count.

But now we finally have a new video, and boy does it suck. He reviews two games based off The Kool-Aid Man.
Let’s check it out.

Intro: IG changed some of the images for his theme, adding the fake snake, Kid Icarus footage, and the scream in the cockpit (the only intentionally funny thing he’s ever done). He ends the theme with a hand-drawn title card related to the review. Gee, does that sound familiar?

0:20 - 0:37: Oh goody, some history about the Kool-Aid Man. “His popularity was so huge, that he even crossed over into the realm of video games.” Yeah I doubt that was a case of popularity, rather a case of marketing to kids. That’s why the Kool-Aid Man comics exist.

0:38 - 0:49: You notice how he never blinks? It’s like he doesn’t have eyelids it’s damn creepy.

0:50: Begins review of Atari 2600 game

1:01 - 1:29: After showing the opening of the game, he asks “what could be cooler” prompting the most predictable joke ever. The Kool-Aid Man bursts through the wall. By the way, you have to love how the hole has wrinkles and is completely inconsistent with the rest of the wall.
It seems all Kool-Aid Man can say is “Oh yeah!” even though he was perfectly capable of speaking full sentences in the commercials.

1:30 - 1:34: “How come these interruptions always happen on my show?” WHAT THE FUCK?
1. They happen because you put them in the script.
2. You have no idea how humor works.
3. They don’t only happen on your show. You’re stealing from the AVGN yet again you hack! Just come out and say you’re unoriginal and stop trying to censor the truth!

1:41: Another thing, enough with the green circles. Do you really think your audience is that retarded?
Well reading the comments, yes they are in fact that retarded.

1:49 - 1:52: After talking about the “emenies” he notes how each color comes from a different row. “In this row we find red balls, in this row we find orange balls…” If you do the joke I think you’re going to do I swear I’ll…

1:53: “And this row we only find blue balls, so guys you might want to avoid this row.” *pent-up rage* YOU ARE SCUM!

2:20 - 2:26: Why can’t you say enemies correctly? It’s not a hard word.

2:27 - 2:38: More forced reaction shots from The Bores as he shows his chronic Pac-Man Fever by jerking the Atari controller around.

2:39: Hey that’s my reaction to watching your videos (with apologies to judekhanzo).

2:41 - 3:05: He notes how the “emenies” bouncing you around gets annoying when the you’re almost out of water. Then… oh lord.
He uses the drowning music from Sonic the Hedgehog combined with reaction shots that look constipated rather then angry. He loses the game and let’s out a “Sheeit” meaning he still can’t curse.

That doesn’t seem like a flaw it sounds normal for an Atari game.

3:11: “Periodically letters will randomly fly across the screen.” HOW DOES THAT WORK? Do they work on a set timer or are they random? Seriously Chris you say these videos take months to make yet you can’t even find grammar mistakes like this?

3:17 - 3:31: IG says that getting any of the letters will turn you invincible, he gets one and starts screaming OH YEAH with some painfully ugly reaction shots. God he’s just ugly.
Wait, he’s saying “Oh Yeah” over and over again, and he’s reviewing the Kool-Aid Man. No Chris, don’t do what I think you’ll…

3:32: Kool-Aid Man bursts through another wall FUUUUUUUUUCK!

3:35 - 4:00: Another pointless and unfunny bit with IG yelling at Kool-Aid Man. Does his annoyance remind anyone else of the AVGN’s Bugs Bunny’s Birthday Blowout review?

4:01 - 4:11: He explains how to progress through the levels, and that each level gets faster. No really? I thought it would go the same pace throughout the entire game.

4:11 - 4:27: It’s time for another Chris Bores joke!
“If you think the first level is easy, just wait until you get to level 50!” Wow, nice editing there douche. That’s not funny at all either.
So Bores gives up because that editing effect took way too long.

4:28: Begins review of the Intellivision game, also this “If you can’t get enough of the big red guy” Why would we want more of him?

4:51: Really Chris? That’s a sink? I never would have thought of it unless you circled it. I’m pretty sure even your retarded fans could see that’s a sink!
Seriously he circles so many obvious things. We can tell what everything is you shithead.

5:11: “If they get close to you, they change direction and start chasing you.” What is this reviews by Idiots Weekly? This is obvious, what is good and what is bad about the game?

Really Chris? We don’t want this to happen? We don’t want the enemies to hit us?

5:33: “Not even a Final Fantasy item will cure this petrifaction” *prompts a fake Final Fantasy menu and tries to use a Soft*
THIS! ISN’T! FUNNY!

6:07: After explaining that getting the sugar requires a step-ladder and how exact you need to be (a legit flaw that he still messes up) he puts it to the left for absolutely no reason then to… make a reference to Pitfall. These games aren’t even on the same console, what sense does this make? GAAAAAAAAAH!

6:26 - 6:35: IG does a cutaway gag where he tries to make Kool-Aid with 4 seconds remaining and how it’s game over for us if we can’t make it in 10 minutes. He yells “DAMN IT” when time runs out and stares at the camera. Purpose Chris! We need purpose!

6:49: He shows the Intellivision Kool-Aid Man breaking through the wall prompting the Kool-Aid Man to once again break through his wall. Well this is the third time and obviously the Rule of Three must apply here right?

6:54 - 7:14: Another pointless scene where he yells at Kool-Aid Man, ending with him staring at the camera. You know, he can’t take time out of his “busy life” to take acting lessons? Or comedy lessons? Or ANYTHING to make his screen presence tolerable?

7:26 - 7:42: After noting you move on to another level he annoys us saying we’ll do the same thing again and again repeated ad naseum until we lose our minds making Kool-Aid. I’m losing my mind watching your shitty videos!

7:42: Seriously? Again with the Kool-Aid Man? You had to do this joke 4 times in this video? DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW COMEDY WORKS?

7:45 - 8:04: By the way, he went through the same wall as the first one. This is just bad, you can see the thing holding up the fabric. Bores stops playing and prepares to kill the Kool-Aid Man. He does another “one-liner” while staring at the camera (because that’s how Schwarzenegger and Stallone did it all the time duh) and the screen fades to black.

The review ends with that same snow shot he used in last year’s Christmas videos and watching the “Ronnie the Skeleton Christmas Special”. Yes, he’s using his Jewish Skeleton character to host a Christmas special. According to Bores, snowing on Christmas means it’s a miracle.

He mentions that he loves this show (I know but it’s almost over) and he gets more Kool-Aid from the Kool-Aid Man’s corpse. The video ends with Ronnie about to sing but cutting out before he does. THIS REVIEW SUCKS!

What reason was there to review Kool-Aid Man video games? Was he just looking for another annoying mascot to use?

Nothing in this review indicated those games sucked. The Atari game looked like any other game on the system, and he said nothing about the Intellivision game. Are the controls bad? Is it a worthy title for the Intellivision? I don’t know, he just described what you do and make pointless jokes!

Also how did this review take months? That effect with the Kool-Aid Man bursting through the walls was just a jump-cut, it’s not a legitimate effect.
Not to mention that ending bit with Ronnie was his cop-out excuse for a Christmas special. Yeah, even worse then a Halloween special about cereal.
Because when I think Christmas, I think of an unfunny hack drinking the blood of a sentient juice pitcher while an annoying Jewish Skeleton talks about Christmas.

Really though, the whole thing just reeked of the AVGN's review of Bugs Bunny's Birthday Blowout, only it wasn't funny or informative.

Until the next video or if I think of something else to talk about, I’ll see you next time. Also a belated Happy Holidays to everyone.

34 comments:

  1. Not only did the review suck, it was REALLY boring, in fact it's probably his most boring "review" yet. Oh and Bores (referring to the Final Fantasy and Pitfall jokes) for the hundredth time, STOP trying to prove to everyone you're a gamer because you're obviously not!

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  2. So Daniel, do you think this review will be enough for future parodies?

    Also, (and forgive me if I'm being mistaken here) could Chris be anymore of a stereotypical racist? Last time I checked, Jewish people celebrate Hanukkah, not Christmas.

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    Replies
    1. I celebrate christmas and i'm Jewish. Probobly because I live in a Christian country.

      Not being rude or anything though. I was just pointing it out

      Delete
  3. @zonic94
    He keeps adding these random sprites with the thought of "Maybe using this will make people see I'm a gamer" only to come off as awkward and painful.
    You're right the review was just boring, the only way I could stay awake was to get angry.

    @vnisanian
    I'm not sure what could be used for parody, I guess the fact that the review is a carbon copy of AVGN's first Bugs Bunny video. Or they could parody a Jewish character doing a Christmas special.

    And yes, Jewish people do celebrate Hanukkah. I should know.
    I honestly think Chris Bores is racist, watch y2b2010's "Random Comments" video and one of them he says "My friend is black and in college". I'll leave that to interpretation.
    Maybe he just doesn't get that Ronnie sounds Jewish? I don't know.

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  4. @ Batdan

    And a Happy Shut The Fuck Up to Bores.

    That, and I think Bores doesn't even care anymore. He doesn't review games at all. All he does is make stupid videos about video games, trying to make them look like reviews, but they are either disrespectful to the game he reviews (a.k.a. bashing a good game) or not even reviews (this one for instance). I think he needs to advertise more honestly in order for people to begin respecting him. And by that, I mean that his only fans are utter morons who do not understand the concept of respect, and thus could not and would not give it. So if Bores were to be more honest with his videos, maybe his subscriptions may be better deserved. For example:

    "The Irate Lamer Show:
    Irate Lamer here. This is a crappy show I made to capitalize on the 'game reviewing' fad, but my videos are not reviews. They are just videos only for entertainment purposes and nothing else. So expect random stupidity, crappy special effects, and boring jokes, because I sure am excited! Are you? Please subscribe, stupid!"

    See?! If he uses that on his homepage or his Youtube Channel, he would gain respect, but to the extent of which that, according to an old saying, his show "is so bad, it's good."
    That, and he may even be forced to label himself as a shitty parody of the Angry Video Game Nerd. He may direct a lot more attention towards James Rolfe, but at least people can finally shut up about him being an AVGN ripoff, which I'm sure even you are sick of hearing.

    And speaking of ripoff, You wanna know why Chris Bores never credits James Rolfe or any other reviewer on the internet? That is because he HIMSELF knows that his show sucks, and if he did do material that is very similar to what other people did, they'll gain more attention...but NOT HIM, and besides, his show lacks the polish that everybody else has, so he decided not to even care and pretend that he's the only reviewer and that he came up with the idea of game reviews.

    This however does not excuse his stupidity or his selfishness.

    Actually, there's one last thing I want to point out before I go play my Scribblenauts. The AVGN's reviews are NOT exactly reviews either. Yes, they are reviews, and they are a lot more compitent and better in quality and quantity compared to Irate Lamer hands-down, but the thing is, well, his videos are also for evtertainment purposes. Even if most of them are very true, they don't necessarily have to be. You wanna see an example? HIS SUPER MARIO BROS 3 REVIEW!!! He made it the way it was because he's sick and tired of people identifying his videos as reviews and taking them seriously, so he thrown in the Devil, a wilhelm scream, and Super Mecha Death Christ in there just for the lulz. I personally don't like that video because of the wilhelm scream(WTF is he, an Imperial Stormtrooper?!), But I will say that the video is entertaining. And besides, what review on the internet would allow the reviewer to actually DESTROY the game? Yeah, the game/console is terrible and deserves it, but that is also an entertainment aspect, and not necessarily a review aspect. In fact, I think it is safe to say that James Rolfe's AVGN is a PARODY of game reviews, especially since no real reviewer would seriously review a game and say "What a shitload of fuck".

    Case and point:
    James makes great videos, neither he nor Bores really make their videos to seriously review a game, but rather to entertain people.

    Okay, I'm done here.
    I'm-a-gonna play Scribblenauts now.

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  5. I've known the AVGN wasn't 100% serious for a while now. Why else would he bash Simon's Quest? Yes his reasons were sound but it's not meant to be taken face value.

    In fact, I see his early videos as parodies of people like Sydlexia or Seanbaby. People that did text articles about various NES games, notably the bad ones.

    I've also heard James Rolfe is one of the nicest guys ever, meaning he's nothing like his foul-mouthed character.

    The difference is that when James Rolfe does something cinematic it works, like his videos about Super Mario Bros. 3 or Bugs Bunny's Crazy Castle (even though people seem to hate that one). When Bores tries to do something like that it comes off as cheap and poorly-produced (notably the Aladdin review with the CG Snake and Bad Actors).
    I love B-Movies, I love early Sam Raimi and Ed Wood, but their movies had heart. Ed Wood wanted to make movies and god damn you if you stopped him.

    Bores only wants to do this for the money. That's why he released a DVD 7 months into his series.

    By the way, advertising that they're "not real reviews but satire" is the exact same thing Game Dunce did when he was getting heat for his bad reviews.

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  6. I been wanting to make a comment on this, but theres just nothing you can say about this review, its just... pointless!, i said that a lot in my last comment, but it was the same " joke" 4 times and chris bores explaining the game like a 5 year old reading a book report " you play as kids, you walk about house, you get ingrediants, but you dont touch the Emenies, then you get the ladder, but you have to place the ladder in the right place, then you climb the ladder, then you become the kool aid man!!, and kill the emenies, the end" By the way, thank you for your comments about ed wood, yes his movies were bad, but the man had a heart and a dedication to get these movies made like no others, and he was certainly unique, he didnt just follow what was popular, he had visions of what he wanted his movies to be and he stuck by them, no matter what anyone said. the movies may be terrible but the passion and love for film making always shows, especially with his use of bela lugosi, which is why I dont like it when people call the irategamer the ed wood of video game reviews. Hes not, he has no interest in the subjects he covers, or in making art, he just wants to make money. Hes more like a hybrid of Michael Bay and those guys who make them lazy pop culture reference movies.

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  7. 2:15 "Because if you touch them while they're moving ... SHEEYUUT! They bounce your ass across the screen."

    Sounds like he's ruined his own sentence with a random/spontaneous noise in-between it. Another notch of poor script composition/acting.

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  8. @Irish Anon
    Since this is about video games, I'll say Bores is the Uwe Boll equivalent of reviewers.
    Both have huge egos and only make crap for money. Boll doesn't care about video games, neither does Bores.
    Though I have often called him similar to Michael Bay in that he masks his bad scripts with special effects.

    @InAnimateGamer
    It's obvious Bores isn't an actor, he's better suited for behind-the-scenes material. Yet he still gets in front of the camera and mugs, unable to find anyone that can act.

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  9. well, i think i think these 3 directors apply much more than ed wood, He's like all 3 in that he only cares about making money. He's like uwe boll in that he doenst know a thing about video games yet concentrates all his material on them, has a huge ego, and he makes lots of money even though his movies are terrible, due to loopholes ( he gets so many subscribers due to haters and fake accounts). Same can be said for these terrible spoof movies, these movies are terrible yet somehow people keep watching them, also his reviews contain as much acting talent as the people in these movies, and his jokes have nothing to do with the plot, just pointlessly reference things rather than even attempting to joke, final fantasy and pitfall come to mind for his recent review, and they follow the same style, in that theyll point out excactly whats happening cause they think the audience is too stupid to get it by themselves disastver movie : " oh my god its hannah montana!" " ironman, what are you doing here?" irategamer : " Woah, a genie!!!" " Kool aid man, you broke through my wall??". Also like michael bay he trys to distract everyone with explosions and special effects, and includes racism - Jewish stereotype skeleton, and terrible treatment and alienation of women " lets get drunk and find me some bitches!" , the ... disgusting way he drools over female video characters.

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  10. I commented on his Kool-aid Man video.

    I remember on the last time Kool-aid Man (obviously played by Mr. Bores) broke through the wall, there were two bits of poster paper magically suspended in midair between the final two holes Kool-aid Bores made.

    Naturally, his brainwashed fans intially flamed me and one praised him as a good reviewer when I asked one "What's so awesome about him?" I had to change my pants from the laugh attack I had after reading it.

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  11. I liked how Bores and the Kool Aid Man were never in the same shot together. Because the Kool Aid Man was obviously just played by Bores.

    Wonder why Scottie, Eric Allan, Buddhist Monk or The Genie didn't help him out. Maybe they have better things to do then stand in front of a green screen... oh wait...

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  12. @Irish Anon
    That... is the most brilliant description of The Bores I've ever seen.
    I applaud you man.

    @Anon (December 26th 9:58 PM)
    I've noticed the fans seem to be extra venomous on this review. Gotta love 12 year old kids that lack the ideas of comedy.

    @Bjarni
    I guess they refused to get into the costume, I wouldn't blame them. Plus with the lack of their appearances (and Eric Allan no longer white-knighting Bores) I'm guessing they want to avoid him.
    There hasn't even been a new Chris & Scottie Road Trip when The Bores promised a new one every couple of months. Even though a production like that would take a competent film maker one day.

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  13. Good chance that several of the fans defending him in the comments are just Bores logging into Sockpuppet accounts. Gonna watch it right now, gonna try not to bang my head.

    Oh btw Bores updated his site, Apparently Ep 31 is a TBA and Ep 32 is HoVG: "Atari vs Magnavox". Both in the 2009 bracket. He has 4 days (Not counting today) left of 2009 to release 2 new videos.

    Also I thought the next HoVG was about Pong? Did he change his mind? Guess you can't get any creative use off a green screen if it's about Pong. And why Compare the Magnavox to the Atari? You already pissed on Ralph Baer's legacy now you wanna compare it to a device that's cleary it's superior? Jesus I...

    ...You're an idiot Chris.

    Oh yeah Happy Holidays people (a little late I know)!

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  14. Irate Gamer's Current Character Murder Count: 5

    Off hand, I can only remember the LJN 'President', Evil Irate, the Predator, ROB (if that counts?), and Kool-Aid. Maybe there's more, but those are ones I know he's 'killed'.

    Something else I just realized, Irate Gamer murdered DURING Christmas time. Another bad example of showing the holiday spirit.

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  15. I checked his website and he making two more episodes and one is "History of Video Games Pt 3 Atari vs. Magnavox" This episode wasn't good enough for parody though it was meh :(

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  16. I have an idea for a major rule of comedy:

    Not funny + not funny = NOT FUCKING FUNNY!

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  17. "History of Video Games Pt 3 Atari vs. Magnavox"

    Oh my God. Why does he want to stretch this shit out so much?

    Fuuuck

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  18. @Jarv156

    Well Bores broke the not funny + not funny = not fucking funny rule with his kool aid man 'gag'. He did not funny + not funny + not funny + not funny = not fucking funny!

    ReplyDelete
  19. @Anon (December 27, 1:34PM)

    I've got a better one; not funny + not funny + not funny + not funny = NOT MOTHER-FUCKING FUNNY!!!

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  20. OH YEEEEEEEEEEEAH!!!

    WHO WANTS SOME MOTHER-FUCKIN' KOOL-AID?!!

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  21. Omfg you think that y2b2010 account is actually Bores himself? Wow you're a dumbass! Instead of bashing some guy on YouTube you should go back to kindergarten.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I hope you went back to troll school in the 26 months since posting your utterly vapid, unintelligent excuse for a comment.

      Delete
  22. BatDan only mentioned one of Chris Bores' comments pointed out in the video "Random Comments" posted by y2b2010. Of course he knows y2b2010 isn't Bores...

    I also think the "Not Funny + Not Funny = NOT FUCKING FUNNY" rule would make a good article:
    - "Someone at THQ..." (Where's Waldo)
    - "Don't worry ET, I'll take you home"
    - "Welcome to Greece" & "Pizza?" (Road Trip)
    - The Bus Tour joke (Monster Party)
    - The Kool-Aid Man appearances

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  23. I love how the Kool Aid Man conveniently breaks through the parts of IG's walls that have the sprites displayed on them, one of which is *gasp* a Shy Guy!

    So much for being goofy, oddball characters.

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  24. Hi. i am Anonymous guy who posted on December 28, 2009 on 6:29 PM, and i am annoying troll who just got out of the closet My favorite activities include posting comments to give people a hard time making fun of this blog and looking at gay porno :O.
    i'm a pansy who just tries to bait people just to get an reaction seriuosly i don't get how you people hater IRATE gamer because he's funny and shit and you're just bashing him so go back to kindergarten you duck-suckers.
    Rainbows make me cry. ;_;

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  25. A pleasure to meet you Mr. Anonymous troll. While I don't agree with your sentiments, in the end it all just boils down to personal opinion. I don't like the Irate Gamer, yet you appear to like him. Does that make us enemies? Nah, our opinions just differ on the sunject at hand. In my eyes, It's always best to respect others beliefs and views rather then bashing them for it, wouldn't you agree? It just echoes that question of the ages "Why can't we all just get along?"

    May I suggest reading some of this blog to get a better idea of why we bear such ill feelings towards Mr. Bores? You don't have to but it would be a nice idea (y'might even get a few laughs).

    I wish you a Happy New Year and many more down the road. Take care! =D

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  26. @ Anon who posted December 28, 2009 6:29 PM

    Expecting a reaction?

    TOO BAD! WALUIGI TIME!!!

    ReplyDelete
  27. Brawl in the Family is pure, unfiltered win.

    Expecting a full review?
    TOO BAD! WALUIGI TIME!

    ReplyDelete
  28. Saw the video a couple times and I have to agree with that last point; where's the review? I saw him play games, but there's no review. Are they good games? Bad games? What?

    Oh, by the way, I loved the way he offed Kool-Aid Bores at the end. It's a good thing he's just a guy in a bad costume instead of a walking juice pitcher that's made of GLASS! And props to pouring yourself some Kool-Aid without EVER EMPTYING THE PITCHER.

    This man is a genius, I tell you. A GENIUS!

    IRate this video FAIL.

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  29. The worst line of this entire video is "Don't you realize that I have a door?"? I was like What The Fuck? Bad writing at best.

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    Replies
    1. Yeah, and every interaction between Bores and Kool-Aid Man seemed drawn out. The pauses between their lines are too long. I didn't notice it right away. The door part solidified it for me.

      Delete
  30. Actually, Bores does blink at least twice in that scene that you mentioned.

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  31. Pitfall was available for Intellivision

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