Bores has given us a strange variety of Halloween episodes. His first bashed a classic SNES gem, the second brought us the transition to unfunny sketch comedy and Bores N Doors, and the third talked about a cereal that nobody cares about (along with an updated version of the first special).
This year he doesn’t talk about food but instead a modern game. Here’s his review of Castlevania: Harmony of Despair.
Original Release: October 29th 2010 (just for context).
0:12 - 0:22: One stock night-sky later, Bores tells us he’s reviewing the “newest” game in the Castlevania franchise. There’s a problem already. At the time of this video’s release, the newest Castlevania was Lords of Shadow. Maybe if Chris wasn’t such a lazy idiot he would know this. Maybe say “one of the newest” because it did come out this year, but THE newest is incorrect.
He also pretends to hold the game by imposing the “box” art onto the screen. How sad is it that I’ve seen parodies do this?
Oh and Chris is sporting a beard now. Just thought I’d bring this up.
0:23 - 0:36: He informs us this game is only available on Xbox Live. True.
“So if you don’t have an Xbox, an Internet connection or even 800 Microsoft Points, then odds are you won’t be playing this one.” Wow, thanks for over-explaining it Chris! I’m sure all the people that have never touched a controller are thanking you.
By the way, he got the price wrong. Harmony of Despair costs 1200 MS Points not 800. That’s a $5 dollar difference!
0:37 - 0:49: Chris starts talking about the characters.
“You have sex characters to choose from” WHOA! Keep your fan fiction out of the videos! I know, I know he said six but that’s incorrect. HoD was released with five characters, Alucard (III: Dracula’s Curse, Symphony of the Night, and Aria/Dawn of Sorrow), Soma Cruz (Aria/Dawn of Sorrow), Jonathan Morris (Portrait of Ruin), Charlotte Aulin (Portrait of Ruin) and Shanoa (Order of Ecclesia). You can play up to six players online though.
He goes on to say how each one is different and that his personal favorite is Shanoa. Okay, why do you like Shanoa? Did you like her game? Pffft, hahaha that can’t be it. I think I know why but I’m going to move on before I shudder in disgust.
0:50 - 1:02: “The graphics are a great throwback to the original” The original what? You can’t mean the original Castlevania, because these are not 8-bit graphics. Also, STOP CALLING EVERYTHING A THROWBACK!
“You’ll even find a few classic enemies hanging around the castle” … Congratulations you’re a moron!
Chris, the Mermen have been in almost every Castlevania game. If you’re claiming to be a gamer, you should be familiar with the idea of recurring enemies.
Like Goombas and Koopa Troopas in Mario, Shriekbats and Zoomers in Metroid (along with the titular parasite), Malboros and Imps/Goblins in Final Fantasy. How fucking stupid do you have to be to not understand this? Castlevania has Bats, Skeletons, Mermen, Death, Frankenstien’s Monster, and much more in almost every game! You’re not actually a Castlevania fan are you?
1:03 - 1:33: Chris elaborates on the zooming-in feature, neglecting to mention how its main purpose is for multiplayer. He also brings up level 3 and how the boss’ size takes up half the stage (ah yes, that’s Menace the Final Boss of Dawn of Sorrow).
“Holy ballsack Batman! Talk about epic!”
He also says there’s only six stages and some are challenging.
1:34 - 1:46: We cut to Bores “Winter Gaming” as he directs his attention to multiplayer.
“If you have an Xbox Live Gold membership…” You’re over-explaining again!
1:47 - 2:43: He explains that one upside to multiplayer is that it makes the castles easier to explore (good point) but then he gets into the downsides. He whines that having more players makes things too easy, and that everyone else online was at a higher level than he was. My God, so much stupid it burns!
I imagine he’d play Modern Warfare and whine that everyone else is at a higher level (likely his excuse for sucking at the game).
Every video he shows he has no clue what he’s talking about.
Well Chris, if it’s too easy for you then try the Hard Mode. Then again you’d complain about that as well.
2:44 - 3:09: Chris mentions his interview with the Konami rep at E3 (ugh) and how he said there would be unlockable characters. He then tells us there were no unlockable characters and he was lied to. Oh boo hoo, someone at E3 lied to you. That is such a rare occurrence and you must feel special.
Either that or the rep meant “downloadable” characters because as of this writing you can download Julius Belmont (Aria/Dawn of Sorrow) and Yoko Belnades (Aria/Dawn of Sorrow). Plus there’s plans to release Maria Renard (Rondo of Blood/Symphony of the Night) as well.
He expresses his disappointment because he wanted to play as Simon Belmont, and as he says his name he holds up his handmade sprite. “GUYS GUYS I’M A GAMER REALLY! Come on guys believe me! If I show you this sprite thingy will you believe me?”
3:10 - 3:26: “It makes me angry that these new games don’t contain the main character from the original Castlevania” … What?
He goes on to complain that with each new installment, Simon Belmont isn’t the main character. … Well that answers my question from earlier. You are definitely not a Castlevania fan.
Castlevania games are generational. Each takes place over a different time period, during which Simon hasn’t been born yet or has been dead for years! He can’t be in every game! This isn’t even a new tradition, Castlevania III takes place over 200 years before the original. You only want Simon because all your knowledge of Castlevania and video games comes from Captain N. Guess what asshole, that depiction of Simon was horrible!
3:27 - 3:34: “If Nintendo can bring back classic games like Kid Icarus and Donkey Kong, you can easily bring back Simon Belmont!” NOT EVERY COMPANY IS NINTENDO! Gah! This is beyond retarded!
Oh, and nice job getting Pit’s name wrong again. You really are a big Kid Icarus fan.
So the video ends with IG giving his verdict. He says if they add more castles, improve the leveling system, and fix multiplayer then the game will be better. How should they improve the leveling system? This is the first time you brought it up. Explain this!
I love how he says “if they can fix these things” like final products can easily be fixed. Well, your first problem has been solved since there’s a seventh castle available as DLC.
This video was retarded! Clearly, Bores is not a Castlevania fan and any attempt to prove otherwise creates contradictions to that claim.
Speaking of Castlevania, I’ll take this time to bring up James Rolfe’s first impressions of the actual newest Castlevania game, Lords of Shadow. I’m addressing this since he does things right that Bores always gets wrong.
1. James is not in character. You’ve seen the difference between James Rolfe and his character The Angry Video Game Nerd, they’re nothing alike. So James did this video as himself.
2. This is not a review. James outright says this is not a review, but first impressions of the two hours he’s played so far. Going on to say that by the time he does finish it, the game will no longer be new.
3. Admitting he sucks at the game. James mentions that he put the game on Easy because he sucks at the game, and he doesn’t blame the game for being too hard.
4. Comparisons that make sense. I’m aware people have compared this game to God of War and Shadow of the Colossus. The God of War complaints are unjustified as hack n’ slash has been around long before 2005 *cough* Devil May Cry *cough*, though the SotC comparisons make sense. Sorry, tangent. Since James doesn’t play too many modern games, I’m not surprised he didn’t make the connection. I am surprised that he compared the QTE’s to the Seals in Dawn of Sorrow. See, that makes sense. A lot more than “Portrait of Ruin reminds me of Diablo because you explore different areas and level up your characters”.
Once again, James Rolfe has shown he is far better than Bores. Of course, that's not much of an accomplishment.
Well, that’s all for now. I have to go find Terra and Mog.