Tuesday, November 30, 2010

Castlevania: Concerto of Idiotic Complaints

Bores has given us a strange variety of Halloween episodes. His first bashed a classic SNES gem, the second brought us the transition to unfunny sketch comedy and Bores N Doors, and the third talked about a cereal that nobody cares about (along with an updated version of the first special).

This year he doesn’t talk about food but instead a modern game. Here’s his review of Castlevania: Harmony of Despair.

Original Release: October 29th 2010 (just for context).
0:12 - 0:22: One stock night-sky later, Bores tells us he’s reviewing the “newest” game in the Castlevania franchise. There’s a problem already. At the time of this video’s release, the newest Castlevania was Lords of Shadow. Maybe if Chris wasn’t such a lazy idiot he would know this. Maybe say “one of the newest” because it did come out this year, but THE newest is incorrect.
He also pretends to hold the game by imposing the “box” art onto the screen. How sad is it that I’ve seen parodies do this?
Oh and Chris is sporting a beard now. Just thought I’d bring this up.

0:23 - 0:36: He informs us this game is only available on Xbox Live. True.
“So if you don’t have an Xbox, an Internet connection or even 800 Microsoft Points, then odds are you won’t be playing this one.” Wow, thanks for over-explaining it Chris! I’m sure all the people that have never touched a controller are thanking you.
By the way, he got the price wrong. Harmony of Despair costs 1200 MS Points not 800. That’s a $5 dollar difference!

0:37 - 0:49: Chris starts talking about the characters.
“You have sex characters to choose from” WHOA! Keep your fan fiction out of the videos! I know, I know he said six but that’s incorrect. HoD was released with five characters, Alucard (III: Dracula’s Curse, Symphony of the Night, and Aria/Dawn of Sorrow), Soma Cruz (Aria/Dawn of Sorrow), Jonathan Morris (Portrait of Ruin), Charlotte Aulin (Portrait of Ruin) and Shanoa (Order of Ecclesia). You can play up to six players online though.

He goes on to say how each one is different and that his personal favorite is Shanoa. Okay, why do you like Shanoa? Did you like her game? Pffft, hahaha that can’t be it. I think I know why but I’m going to move on before I shudder in disgust.

0:50 - 1:02: “The graphics are a great throwback to the original” The original what? You can’t mean the original Castlevania, because these are not 8-bit graphics. Also, STOP CALLING EVERYTHING A THROWBACK!
“You’ll even find a few classic enemies hanging around the castle” … Congratulations you’re a moron!
Chris, the Mermen have been in almost every Castlevania game. If you’re claiming to be a gamer, you should be familiar with the idea of recurring enemies.
Like Goombas and Koopa Troopas in Mario, Shriekbats and Zoomers in Metroid (along with the titular parasite), Malboros and Imps/Goblins in Final Fantasy. How fucking stupid do you have to be to not understand this? Castlevania has Bats, Skeletons, Mermen, Death, Frankenstien’s Monster, and much more in almost every game! You’re not actually a Castlevania fan are you?

1:03 - 1:33: Chris elaborates on the zooming-in feature, neglecting to mention how its main purpose is for multiplayer. He also brings up level 3 and how the boss’ size takes up half the stage (ah yes, that’s Menace the Final Boss of Dawn of Sorrow).
“Holy ballsack Batman! Talk about epic!”

He also says there’s only six stages and some are challenging.

1:34 - 1:46: We cut to Bores “Winter Gaming” as he directs his attention to multiplayer.
“If you have an Xbox Live Gold membership…” You’re over-explaining again!

1:47 - 2:43: He explains that one upside to multiplayer is that it makes the castles easier to explore (good point) but then he gets into the downsides. He whines that having more players makes things too easy, and that everyone else online was at a higher level than he was. My God, so much stupid it burns!
I imagine he’d play Modern Warfare and whine that everyone else is at a higher level (likely his excuse for sucking at the game).
Every video he shows he has no clue what he’s talking about.

Well Chris, if it’s too easy for you then try the Hard Mode. Then again you’d complain about that as well.

2:44 - 3:09: Chris mentions his interview with the Konami rep at E3 (ugh) and how he said there would be unlockable characters. He then tells us there were no unlockable characters and he was lied to. Oh boo hoo, someone at E3 lied to you. That is such a rare occurrence and you must feel special.
Either that or the rep meant “downloadable” characters because as of this writing you can download Julius Belmont (Aria/Dawn of Sorrow) and Yoko Belnades (Aria/Dawn of Sorrow). Plus there’s plans to release Maria Renard (Rondo of Blood/Symphony of the Night) as well.
He expresses his disappointment because he wanted to play as Simon Belmont, and as he says his name he holds up his handmade sprite. “GUYS GUYS I’M A GAMER REALLY! Come on guys believe me! If I show you this sprite thingy will you believe me?”

3:10 - 3:26: “It makes me angry that these new games don’t contain the main character from the original Castlevania” … What?
He goes on to complain that with each new installment, Simon Belmont isn’t the main character. … Well that answers my question from earlier. You are definitely not a Castlevania fan.

Castlevania games are generational. Each takes place over a different time period, during which Simon hasn’t been born yet or has been dead for years! He can’t be in every game! This isn’t even a new tradition, Castlevania III takes place over 200 years before the original. You only want Simon because all your knowledge of Castlevania and video games comes from Captain N. Guess what asshole, that depiction of Simon was horrible!

3:27 - 3:34: “If Nintendo can bring back classic games like Kid Icarus and Donkey Kong, you can easily bring back Simon Belmont!” NOT EVERY COMPANY IS NINTENDO! Gah! This is beyond retarded!
Oh, and nice job getting Pit’s name wrong again. You really are a big Kid Icarus fan.

So the video ends with IG giving his verdict. He says if they add more castles, improve the leveling system, and fix multiplayer then the game will be better. How should they improve the leveling system? This is the first time you brought it up. Explain this!
I love how he says “if they can fix these things” like final products can easily be fixed. Well, your first problem has been solved since there’s a seventh castle available as DLC.

This video was retarded! Clearly, Bores is not a Castlevania fan and any attempt to prove otherwise creates contradictions to that claim.

Speaking of Castlevania, I’ll take this time to bring up James Rolfe’s first impressions of the actual newest Castlevania game, Lords of Shadow. I’m addressing this since he does things right that Bores always gets wrong.
1. James is not in character. You’ve seen the difference between James Rolfe and his character The Angry Video Game Nerd, they’re nothing alike. So James did this video as himself.
2. This is not a review. James outright says this is not a review, but first impressions of the two hours he’s played so far. Going on to say that by the time he does finish it, the game will no longer be new.
3. Admitting he sucks at the game. James mentions that he put the game on Easy because he sucks at the game, and he doesn’t blame the game for being too hard.
4. Comparisons that make sense. I’m aware people have compared this game to God of War and Shadow of the Colossus. The God of War complaints are unjustified as hack n’ slash has been around long before 2005 *cough* Devil May Cry *cough*, though the SotC comparisons make sense. Sorry, tangent. Since James doesn’t play too many modern games, I’m not surprised he didn’t make the connection. I am surprised that he compared the QTE’s to the Seals in Dawn of Sorrow. See, that makes sense. A lot more than “Portrait of Ruin reminds me of Diablo because you explore different areas and level up your characters”.

Once again, James Rolfe has shown he is far better than Bores. Of course, that's not much of an accomplishment.

Well, that’s all for now. I have to go find Terra and Mog.


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  2. Very interesting insight, I forgot to mention the Mermen issue, but I guess I was just distracted by the sheer stupidity.

    Also props for mentiong James's first impressions of the *real* newest game.

  3. Maria and Richter Belmont are available to download now. Johnathan, plus the two Belmonts, pretty much play like Simon in this game.

  4. I've heard Richter and Maria were leaked but they aren't officially for sale.

    Julius is the best Belmont, he's the one to seal away Dracula and when you see him in 2035 he's a fucking badass.

  5. in some point i agree with Saholin Dave, i hope it doesnt became an habit that james does those type of game impressions, just like HVGN has been doing reviews of modern retro revivals (as much as i hate to admit it, only his megaman 9 reviews maded sense....................but i wonder how it will be if he does the original Shantae on GBC, wich is possible that it will be available on N3DS virtual console).

  6. I'm no gamer (neither is Chris Bores) so I was not aware of all the flaws in Chris's review. But Chris never seizes to amaze me how terrible he is at research, observation, and pretending to be a gamer. Every time Chris makes a particular complaint about a game and makes a sprite or some kind of physical prop to go along with it you just know its got to be bad. Even though I know nothing about Castlevania, I knew that his facts were off. I think he thinks he is clever trying to point out things he finds wrong with games without doing any research using physical and or digital gags in an attempt to rival the brilliance of James Rolfe. He falls flat on his face. When is this kid going to get a clue and cut this half-assed gaming shit out? I don't wish him to leave or to stop, but most people progress the more they do something. Chris just seems to be stuck in neutral with all this stuff.

  7. @Keith

    Wow thats.......exactly how I feel about it myself. He never seems to move foreward. It always seems like one step forward and one step back. Its like hes stuck in a rut

  8. I think James only does modern games if he gets a ton of requests for them. Same thing happened with Ghostbusters last year.

    I imagine that when the Back to the Future game comes out he'll get a ton of requests for that.

  9. Even if Bores DID do research, it would only help a tiny bit, because he isn't a gamer. He still wouldn't know how games work. He would still complain about difficulty, graphics on an NES not looking like a PS3's, and he would judge old games my standards that were not even thought of yet.

    Research would be nice though, instead of him making shit up or making incredibly stupid statements.

    As always, good recap Dan

  10. @BatDan: Even though Julius Belmont is the Chuck Norris of Castlevania characters, my favorite is still Richter Belmont! Can't beat the HYDRO STORM!

  11. What's so special about Simon Belmont? I played all the Castlevania games on the NES, the Gameboy, and the one on the SNES. If I hadn't known from the manual or reading Nintendo Power that those weren't all supposed to be the same whip-cracking hero, I doubt I would've even thought to ask. Even Gabriel's little more than a guy I run around as while I kill monsters.

    And I actually like Captain N in a cheesy kind of way, and their version of Simon Belmont was the second-worst character in the show, in my opinion (first was Gameboy).

  12. You know, I don't think Bores knows about Super Castlevania 4, where Simon belmont is also the main character.

    Or the abomination that is Castlevania: judgement on the wii which also had Simon in it.

    Simon was in a total of 5 games or something wasn't he? CV1/2/4/gameboy and judgement??

  13. @SpaceScreaminJohn
    Can't argue with that, plus Rondo of Blood is bliss.

    The Captain N references come from certain scenes. Like how Bores confuses the Select and Start button, the use of Eggplant Wizard in one video (because he's sooo memorable outside of the cartoon), calling Pit "Kid Icarus" ALL THE TIME, and calling Mega Man and Belmont "Nintendo characters" in the Brawl review.

    Actually, Simon wasn't in any of the Game Boy titles. Christopher Belmont was the hero in The Adventure and Belmont's Revenge, Sonia Belmont was the hero in Legends (and that one isn't even canon).

    Simon appeared in the original and its many ports/remakes (Vampire Killer on the MSX2, Haunted Castle for the Arcade, Super Castlevania IV, and Castlevania Chronicles) along with Simon's Quest and Judgement.

  14. I know about the Captain N references, batdan. I'm trying to understand why Bores would be so hung up on Simon as a character when the heroes of Castlevania were basically interchangeable back when they using Simon the most frequently. Remember that complaint about playing III before I back in the Goonies II review? It sounds like he doesn't know you actually play a different character in a previous time period, doesn't it?

    The thing about Captain N was my confusion at how anyone could become interested in Simon from watching that show. He was a pompous jerk who created more problems than he solved despite supposedly being this Grade A vampire hunter. Who could relate to that? Then again, we're talking about the Irate Gamer here...

  15. That's a good point.
    I think this was another attempt at trying to prove he's a retro gamer and he really did play these games growing up.

    Because his other attempts worked SO well in the past.

  16. The sad thing is I could almost believe Bores would think Captain N's Simon was a role model.

  17. you know something, once that we ve speaking of ports, i think one thing should be clarified, The SNES version of Dracula X, should not be considered a port, but rather an adaptation of the original game, it uses the same sprites of Rondo, and the music is based on the game, but the level design and the background graphics are different, tough not a bad game, the problem was the BAD and uninspired level design (remmeber the jumps at the green cavern?, the plattaforms at the final battle with dracula), and the graphics seem much, well, lazier, not bad for SNES standarts, but they look kinda wrong, compared to the backgrounds on the original Rondo of blood, and hell, specially compared to the Beutifully Done graphics of Super Castlevania IV, and that game came up early on SNES lifespan.

    another examples of Adaptations rather than ports to say some are:

    Double Dragon II & III on the NES
    Prince of Persia on SNES

  18. Having played Lord of Shadows, I can honestly say it's much more in touch with God of War then the stylish and fast paced Devil May Cry. Pretty fun romp too, despite what the splintered fanbase may say. Definitely worth a look.

    And yeah Chris's boner for Simon seems very strange considering he was a fairly one dimensional character back in the day. He was practically Conan with a whip on those NES covers. Wouldn't surprise me at all if he thinks Simon was in Castlevania III.

    I noticed Bores seems to stay away from FPS. Considering all the "fan requests" he gets, you'd think he get some on the Mass Effect games, Halo Reach or goddammit Fallout: New Vegas. Would love to see him fumble his way through that one. Considering how irritable the Fallout fanbase is, I can only wonder what the aftermath would be if such a video was released.

  19. Forget the Fallout fanbase, imagine if he did a Halo review. They'd be out for blood.

  20. I'm sorry but what else do you expect from a fanbase which has to put up with freezes and glitches 24/7? But.. must.. play... ONE MORE TIME... I'll play without wearing armour! *maniacal laughter*

  21. Fallout Fanbase is not that bad because the game is actually fun to play despite the bugs. Even the preivous ones like 1 and 2 were buggy.

    At least they have something to brag about instead of fanbases of games that haven't been doing well in the past years like Final Fantasy that blindly just give the money away.

    Its funny, I prefer the Castlevania PS2 games then Lord of Shadows because the PS2 ones feel more like Castlevania to me.

    Besides Chris as already got butthurt after the Tekken fanbase, and is poor attempt to save his review which only debluff his claims on being a gamer.(Not knowing about the arcade mode? Come on!)

    Also sorry to correct you Batdan but you forgot to mention that Simon was in GBA. It was just a port verison of Castlevania. The game was part of the "Classic Games" collection during the mid point of GBA cycle.

  22. @Monticrystal
    Ugh, FFXIII blew ass. Soooo boring.

    Oh right the Classic Series. Well, if we're mentioning that then don't forget that Castlevania, Simon's Quest, and Super Castlevania IV are on the Virtual Console.

    Still, Simon has technically only been in two games. Three if you count Boss Rush Mode in Harmony of Dissonance (and honestly I don't).

  23. "If you don’t have an Xbox, an Internet connection or even 800 Microsoft Points, then odds are you won’t be playing this one.”

    Wow. And you wonder, Chris Bores, why you have so many haters that "don't know how to make a peanut butter-jelly sandwich", while shitting all over video games and their fans.

    And I really don't like using the word "haters"; reminds me of when I stopped listening to Linkin Park after 10 years because of the fanboys who wouldn't stop defending their newest piece-of-shit album and call everyone else "haters" - kind of like IG fanboys on YouTube when they saw the sandwich bit in the Cool Spot video.

    If Wikileaks discovers that Jack Thompson pays Chris Bores to provoke real video gamers ("Durr-hurr, we rock, deal with it, derp"), I welcome it.

  24. He is not a Castlevania fan. I don't really want Simon back, I just want a Belmont who can whip in all 8 Directions like he does. (PS: Konami, MAKE A METROIDVANIA WITH CV4's CONTROLS. PLEASE.) But Simon was just another part of the Belmont Legacy, and I genuinely like Legacy stories (Ala JoJo's Bizarre Adventure, one of the best Legacy stories out there. Part 5 kinda dipped a bit in that regard).

    His dubious line about Shanoa doesn't phase me after seeing George Wood's unbelievably sexist reviews (Lara Croft with Brest Cancer. Charming Mr Woods, just charming). She is getting roughed up a lot in the reboot though.) Order of Ecclecia.....Was okay. The bland level design really let it down. They tried to make a throw back the the classic stages without realising what made them memorable, ie, the creative stage design.

    Actually.....Even Captain N acknowledged Trevor! (And Syphia and Alucard. Although after seeing what they did to them, you will wish they didn't acknowledge them).

    And good luck with FF6. As for me, I need to go to the Dark Omen to take down Lavros.....

  25. Oh yeah I read about that Captain N episode.
    They turned Sypha into an old man because they didn't beat the game to learn she was a young woman.
    And Alucard... oh man I still get nightmares from that.

  26. It's episodes like that that make me wish Captain N was done properly. Say, like Batman: Brave and the Bold with Nintendo characters instead of DC Characters.

  27. First, after getting the game for Christmas, I realised that Julius really did have 8 directional whipping. I almost soiled myself in joy. And that means that Simon has no place in Harmony. Who gives a shit? We have Julius. Oh wait. Bores.

    Second, while I really, REALLY hate to admit it, Bores may actually have a point with the whole multiplayer levelling thing. I have seen alot of players far stronger than me run ahead, loot everything (Shared loot, so it's not a problem) and kill the boss in seconds, while I am still dealing with a bunch of Axe Knights. It's not like Call of Duty where you are on mostly even ground in levelling, as long as you play smart.

    However, this can be gotten around by simply just getting better at the game. You just use all the good loot you get to make yourself stronger and grind skills in singleplayer. The whole point of the game is doing levels over and over to get stronger. And some bosses really need multiple players *CoughPuppetMasterCough*

    And also, common sense would state that you would actually state your reasons for liking a character rather than just saying that you like them. For example: "I like Julius because his Omni whip is really versatile, when used together with his Subweapons and he's goddamn Julius Belmont"

  28. BTW, Simon has actually been comfirmed for Harmony of Despair!

    In 8-Bit form.

    Knowing Bores, he would find a way to complain about that too.

  29. Simon was actually my least favorite of the Castlevania heroes. I'm more familiar with Nathan Graves (Circle of the Moon), Alucard (Symphony of the Night), but my favorite is Soma Cruz from Aria of Sorrow.