A new video already? That’s surprising.
It’s a review of South Park: The Stick of Truth, which came out today. And like past reviews where he puts out a video the same day as release, it’s going to suuuuuck.
Chris posted the video on YouTube, and embedded it to GotGame with some poorly written text to go with it. Here are some “highlights” from the text review.
He shows the picture of his own character, and… I guess it’s a South Park version of him? He then calls it “Super Sweet”. Even when people used “sweet”, they didn’t say “super sweet”, your use of slang is outright alien.
“The way your character moves across the screen is awesome” Wow, that is a horribly written line. Is that really something worth praising? The way they move across the screen?
“The animation is amazing that way!” Yes, because South Park is known for its amazing animation.
“The battle sequences are set up like a final fantasy type of system” No it’s not. It looks more like Super Mario RPG, with timed hits and everything.
“and there is a learning curve of getting all the nuances down pat.” Like all games that don’t hold your hand throughout? I remember the days when learning curves weren’t something to complain about *glares at negative Wonderful 101 reviews*
He doesn’t say much else. Onto the video!
The video ope- oh my god we’re in trouble. Chris is not on his set, instead he’s on a couch in a completely different room. He is also filming with a webcam! Wow, and I thought his previous Neo reviews were slapped together without care, this one isn’t even trying!
Because of this, I’m not doing the timestamps. If Chris isn’t going to try, then why should I bother?
He says Ubisoft sent him the game and he’s unwrapping it on camera. Yeah, he hasn’t even played it yet before hitting record. This is going to be a treat. Also, how are you on good terms with Ubisoft after that E3 video? I know it’s been years, but that was a pretty serious threat. No follow through at all…
“Here’s the disc, it looks pretty cool” … Who… talks about discs looking cool? You can tell there’s no script, no thought put into any of this. Especially since he’s talking about how the disc looks.
He puts the game in… are we really doing this? Facecam! Chris is doing facecam! Finally jumping on that trend… Noticed how you’re not making money at all from the abysmal views? “It worked for PewDiePie, it will work for me!” As long as he doesn’t start screaming about rape.
He complains about there being an update. Oh boo hoo, get used to the updates, all modern games have them now. Wait, Stick of Truth came out today, meaning this is a Day 1 update. Oh… that’s where things look sketchy. Of course, Chris doesn’t address that it’s a Day 1 update, just that it’s an update. There is a difference.
And apparently we’re dropping the face cam and doing post-production narration. You do realize that ADD shouldn’t pour over into the editing right?
He gushes over the character creation. You do realize that a lot of games have this right? If anything, South Park’s customization is kind of lame since you can’t customize facial features. I know I know it’s the artsyle, everyone has the same face, but still it’s nothing compared to other games.
He brings up the opening cutscene with the protagonists parents, and compares the dad to Fred Armisen from Portlandia. I… don’t see it. *shrugs* Also, Portlandia? Why not Saturday Night Live, that’s where he’s more well known.
He goes on and on about interacting with the environment, acting like this is completely new even though so many other games do this. At one point the facecam comes back to show him laughing at a joke.
He brings up the jokes, and more laughing on face cam.
He arrives to Cartman’s backyard, pointing out how it’s called “Kupa Keep”, and seems to think it’s a play on “King Koopa”. … I don’t think so. He’s really grasping at straws here.
EDIT: Turns out the full name is "The Kingdom of Kupa Keep", or KKK. It's not South Park unless it's something offensive. King Koopa my ass. Thanks to Guru Larry for informing me of this.
He brings up the classes, but doesn’t say what they do. Only lets what Cartman says play out, and mentions how his humor isn’t politically correct. Ya don’t say!
He finally gets got the battling, and only looks over the tutorial. He claims it’s like Final Fantasy. Noooo, I said above that it’s more like Super Mario RPG.
He claims it took him 30 minutes to figure out the game. *looks at gameplay* How? It looks simple! Explain where the difficulty comes from! Don’t just assure that your word alone is good enough!
Chris keeps gushing about the references, the references, the references, oh my god it keeps going!
At around 4:36, notice how he’s laughing on the facecam, but the narration starts up. So, what’s the point of the face cam? Just to show your laughter?
“Let me just preface that this game is not for kids in any shape form or fashion” REALLY? FUCKING REALLY?! You mean the comedy intended for adults is meant for adults?! Chris has made such a shocking discovery today!
… It’s Rated M for Mature! Not intended for children under 17! It’s the ESRB! How do you still not know this?! Video games aren’t just a child’s plaything anymore!
Also, you used “preface” wrong again. It’s meant to be at the beginning, not near the end. Me am good grammars.
He then stops when he reaches a wall of rats and says the game is great and blah blah blah, followed by the most tired “Game On” I’ve ever seen.
What was the point of this? He didn’t even beat the game. I seriously doubt this was an early review copy, he probably picked it up early morning and made the video shortly after his play session.
Why the face cam? Why show yourself laughing at the jokes? It’s South Park, we can assume it’s going to be funny. You don’t have to show yourself laughing to tells us it’s funny!
If the next Neo review has face cam, then I guess that’s going to be his new gimmick. Right down to the use of webcam and lazy script.