I get the feeling that Chris’ plan with that last video was “If I come clean, people will love me now, and they’ll watch anything I put out.” Chris didn’t seem to realize that nobody cares about his ghost hunting. Hence, this barely has any views.
Knowing that Chris probably wouldn’t have anything of substance for a long time, I decided to watch it. It’s merely a 15 minute segment from the 54 minute Pursuit of the Paranormal DVD.
… This was fucking hilarious. I wasn’t going to make a post about it, but oh my god this was funny
To any of the CA reviewers that read my blog, you have to review/riff the whole thing.
0:00 - 0:35: We open with an intro from Chris. Saying that he’s “evolved” since this was taped, and has found so much more. So you went from finding nothing to finding… more nothing?
0:36 - 1:38: “A Chris Bores Film” Calling this a film is being waaay too generous.
“Tonight! We’re headed to one of the most haunted locations in the U.S.” And this is where it hits you. The “pulse-pounding” “spooky” music, the cheesey announcer, this is an episode from a terrible reality TV show. At least with some reality TV, they seem to understand it’s bad, they know it’s a joke. But Chris taking this completely serious, and that’s what makes it hilarious!
They go over some of the other “highlights”, how what they find changes everything, blah blah blah.
Then it cuts to Bores in a graveyeard, and oh my god this shot. He walks up to the camera, and removes his sunglasses in a dramatic fashion. I can’t stop laughing, this is the dumbest thing.
“I am one of the leading ghost communicators in the field of ghost hunting” Hahahahahahaha. Oh wow. Chris, I recommend you look up the term “overly narrow superlative”.
“By using ancient texts like the Tibetan book of the dead, the Egyptian book of the dead, the Kabbalah” How are those first two supposed to help you in Florida and Ohio? Also, isn’t Kabbalah just a philosophy of Judaism, not a “text” like the Necronomicon?
“And using things like Psychology” PSYCHOLOGY?! How mystical! Hahaha. I don’t watch Ghost Hunters, but is it this cheesy and stupid?
“Interacting with spirits has never been more intriguing” If you’re into alternate methods to Ambien, then it’s very intriguing.
“Joining me on this hunt is Alan Cicco” Hi Alan. Wait, his last name is pronounced “Sisko”? Like the Star Trek DS9 captain? I’ve been pronouncing it “Sicko” for all these years! Hey, pardon me if I don’t assume only the first “C” uses the S sound, and the others don’t. It’s not my fault your name is all C’s!
“The pursuit for knowledge is on!” Yeaaaah you’re not going to find anything. You’ll have just as much knowledge about the afterlife as you do about video games.
1:39 - 2:39: The show begins proper. Their “investigation” takes them to St. Augustine, Florida, the location of the St. Augustine Lighthouse. Hmmm *looks up info* Ghost Hunters already did an episode on this! In 2006! With a “Return to” special in 2008! In fact, looking further into the lighthouse, it’s owned by a museum, and they get PAID for people to “hunt ghosts”. It’s a racket! http://www.staugustinelighthouse.com/events/darkofmoon.html
They’re making money off idiots! … Hmmm, I wonder how much cause I’m getting ideas.
It’s not even listed in Wikipedia’s “List of reportedly haunted locations in the United States”.
Bores narrates the history of the lighthouse, that people have seen apparitions of children, “shadow people” (the hell?) and apparently something caught on video. All I see is a dark picture of stairs with something edited in. It looks really fake.
“Once the sun finally sets, we’re anxious to get inside, and begin pursuing the paranormal” Pffffft hahahahahahaha. This is too much.
2:40 - 5:00: So the tour guide (probably laughing his way to the bank as these idiots pay him) explains all these supposed footstep sounds and children giggling, and apparently footstep marks on the ground. We then get a picture that Bores labeled “actual photograph” to try and make it sound this was real. It looks so fake. Like a cartoonist drew in those feet.
You know what these ghost tours remind me of? The Chamber of Farts in South Park. It promises to be scary, but it’s all gas.
The tour guide takes them to the basement. Something about the ghost being a girl who drowned. He claims she follows him, and she’s jealous of other girls… This all sounds like it’s from a script. Like the museum owners hire writers, and tell their employees to memorize this shit.
Around the end of his exposition, the tour guide mentions that a “keeper” would appear at the end of a dark hallway. Sounds like P.T. … Man, I’d rather be playing the new Silent Hill. At least that’s legit spooky.
5:01 - 8:00: The hunt begins! Yaaaay…
Of course, it’s all in night vision.
Alan assures that we’ll “definitely” hear noises. Probably sensible things, like the wind, or the building settling. Things that actually happen.
Bores mentions shadow people again (seriously, what?), Alan puts down a couple of lights on a bench, he sits next to them and starts saying in an almost “sensual” way “I’ve got these lights here, want to come over?” Wow, Shawn at TotalActionAdventure wasn’t kidding about Alan’s “smoothness”.
Then Bores interrupts and exposits how those lights (or K2 Meters) work.
Pauses… then Alan reacts like he hears something. He starts calling out, asking if he could bring a “bucket” upstairs (I must have missed something wha?), and they keep showing the stairs. I told you man, I told you about stairs!
They think they see something (probably a mouse) and start trying to talk to “it”.
Apparently they hear something, and Bores replays it 3 times. … I don’t hear anything. *listens closer* That’s not a girl. It sounds more like a mouse squeaking. I think a lot of these “hauntings” are the works of rodents.
Nothing happens… nothing happens… exactly how is this different from Haunted Investigators? Because it’s a lot of the same shit. Also, how were those books from earlier supposed to help?
8:00 - 11:17: Still a lot of nothing. Then they think they hear footsteps, and the reality show music returns. You know, it’s the music that makes it hilarious. The parts where it’s not playing it’s soooo boring.
Then they think they hear another voice. They replay it but I don’t hear a god damn thing.
He tries calling for the keeper but nothing
“After a few minutes of getting no response…” I realized this was a pointless endeavor and went to find a much more worthy use of my time.
No, they head into the basement instead.
“I’m feeling really odd down here” It’s called primal fear, a fear of the dark. The constant fear that something’s always near, the phobia that someone’s always there. *goes to listen to Iron Maiden for a bit*
Sorry about that.
Bores interrupts to bring up “that feeling”, and they’ve done enough investigations to know that when “that feeling” happens, something is there. What is “that feeling”? He doesn’t really describe it. I still think it’s primal fear.
One of their meters gets a reaction, and they try to call out. They think they hear a voice (again, I don’t hear a damn thing). The cheesy reality show music plays again.
Alan tries the smooth moves again. Too fucking funny.
11: 17 - 13:45: And so begins the “conversation” with the dead. Supposedly the ghost girl they mentioned earlier.
They ask questions, and the lights happen. It’s dumb. It’s all accented by goofy reality show music. Man, he really did want this on TV.
They keep asking questions… I don’t care.
Then Chris asks the “trailer” question. “Is being alive the same as being dead?” And they don’t get a “response” NO SHIT CHRIS! HOW DUMB ARE YOU?!
And then the “ghost” stops “talking”
The video ends back to Chris in his game room.
He claims the reason “she” “responded” is more interesting than what he’s seen on TV. That’s exactly what a snake oil salesman would say!
“BUY DA DVD!”
He mentions “90 minutes” again. We know it’s 54 Chris! Unless you released a new version.
He claims this was his “first steps” in this “case study”. How was that different from what you did before? This was exactly like Haunted Investigators.
And he brags about how his methods aren’t seen anywhere else. Probably because you found nothing! Ghosts. Aren’t. Real.
Oh and he even knows that his subscribers didn’t subscribe for this. Then make a separate channel! Oh wait, you even failed at that! Logic is dead…
Okay, maybe this wasn’t completely hilarious. But it did have moments where Chris wanted it to be serious, but he completely failed. I mean, is rational thought just that hard?
Supposedly, the next ghost videos will have more “proof”. Haha no. Your time would be better spent finding extraterrestrial life. At least I can believe aliens exist, somewhere out there.
I’ll say it again. Making online reviews is more of a “real job” than this.