We’re about to leave 2015, and venture forth another year. I did NOT expect how this year turned out for Bores.
After 2013 had barely anything to talk about and 2014 was a struggle to even get 10 moments, 2015 saw a massive increase in Chris’ output. So much so, I managed to narrow it down to 20! Take a seat, it’s going to be a long read.
Wait, Bores posted a video on the 30th? Another board game review? No thanks.
I will mention people HATED the video. 55 likes to 125 dislikes. Likely due to being a “sponsored review” for that MAGE company he first talked about back in May. Why would MAGE want Chris Bores of all people to shill their crap?
Anyway, onto the list!
20. Deleting videos for some reason
This year saw the most output from Chris, by far. Yet you wouldn’t think that now as there’s quite a few missing videos, especially when you consider his promised schedule and the dates no longer line up.
While looking through the channel, and my blog posts, I noticed there’s quite a few missing videos. A “review” of the site Leaptrade, his Lootcrate unboxing, some bloopers, a video about his “best moments”, his Kid Icarus Let’s Play (wait what?), his Top 5 E3 games (what the hell?), a video about getting an Olimar amiibo (that also shilled Vidfall) and some update videos. I’m just curious why Chris felt these needed to be deleted. Was there something in them he wanted to hide? Maybe the mention of his dead friend in the Kid Icarus LP? The only deleted video that makes sense was his immensely insensitive Leonard Nimoy tribute, where he tried to do a heartfelt tribute to him, only to ruin it by demanding people subscribe to his channel (as well as monetizing the video… gross)
This wouldn’t be the first time Chris deleted videos for seemingly no reason. Back in 2007 he deleted that “Thank you” video where he mentioned his 20 years of gaming (still hilarious), and apparently there was a trailer for his Super Mario Bros 2 review where he said “Mario, your next” (not “you‘re”), but the only source I have is the Third Rate Gamer’s word.
He also got rid of the video promoting his game (the one where he said it‘s like Angry Birds), and another video where he “thanked” some of his more notable detractors for sucking his dick after they cried about James Rolfe’s “e-begging”. Why are you so delete happy Chris? You can’t hide stuff that’s been posted on the internet.
19. Four Parts of History, somehow no progress
We saw a massive boost in History of Video Games episodes this year. The series has been going for over six years now and around half them were made this year. And yet, there’s been no progress. In six years and 10 parts, he’s only on Intellivision, that’s barely out of the 80’s. Yes, there were Intellivision games released up to 1983 (and some were released afterwards) but it was released in 1979 and his next topic is just now starting the 80’s. Expect bias considering how he slobbers all over that decade.
But really, nothing is “educational” about this series. He mentions some facts he read off Wikipedia, and fills the rest with terrible Family Guy style humor. There’s no substance, I don’t understand how this has a following. I really hope college courses aren’t using his material again (I read years ago that a college course used his early videos, though that could have been fake)
If I had to pick a worst video, it would probably be Part 9 (Atari 2600 in 1978-80), mostly for that abysmal Superman joke. That almost made me quit, it was that bad.
18. It’s Star Wars season, better shill a site!
After two years on the market, Bores finally talked about a PS4 game. Well, a multi-platform game but he played the PS4 version. Star Wars Battlefront.
Of course, he barely talked about the game, playing only the tutorial and a couple multiplayer sessions (and even then I doubt that since the footage quality looks off, which he claims was his capture card but I don’t believe him).
However, this wasn’t a video to talk about Star Wars Battlefront, but to shill a site that’s been giving him free amiibo! Now they give him free games. The desperation is so strong it actually smells.
17. Scrooge McDuck sets the stage.
After initially claiming retirement, Chris revealed that it was actually a hiatus (learn the difference) and came back to do regular Irate Gamer episodes. However, he was going to do things differently, and his first “review” back set the tone in the worst way possible.
Instead of covering actual bad games, he decided to spend time bashing classics, crying about how hard they are, and not actually giving any insight or even trying to review the game. Relying more on Family Guy shit.
DuckTales showcased the horrors we would see throughout the year. Pointless nitpicks, poor skill, awful jokes, all of Chris’ worst traits magnified to eleven. It’s almost like he wants to be a parody of himself, basically turn into the Third Rate Gamer or Irritated Gamer.
16. “It’s one of my favorites!” “WAAAAH it’s difficult!”
For years, Chris claimed that Kid Icarus is one of his favorite games, and yet in his review he sounds like he despises it. It’s basically just 10 minutes of Chris complaining about how difficult the game is, there’s barely any actual criticism. All topped with him smashing an eggplant on the cartridge in “rage”. Yeah, that’s totally something you’d do to one of your favorites. He tried to clarify he didn’t hate the game in the Let’s Play, but the damage had been done (and the video is gone now so nobody will hear your excuses now, HA!)
15. A Super Smashing Dud
IG’s highest viewed video by far is his review of Super Smash Bros Brawl, at 6.4 million as of this post. Now you’d think that would get Chris to work extra hard on making his review of Super Smash Bros for Wii U special, right? Ha! That would require effort, and Chris believes effort is for losers. Instead, he posted an unscripted ramble that can barely be called a review while pointing his camera at the TV instead of capturing footage. Spending more time shilling his (now dead) amiibo site than actually talking about the game.
There was somehow less effort in his Smash 4 review than there was his Brawl review (and that was already a low-effort waste). I can’t imagine that pleased the people that watched the Brawl video years ago… then again, they likely grew up and moved on.
14. “I don’t have an excuse to destroy the game, better make one up!”
His Spy Hunter “review” was an exercise in padding. How to make 6 minute video without actually saying anything. Then again, DSP is a MASTER at that, he’s able to make 30 minute videos without saying anything.
Still, one thing he got right is that Spy Hunter has no ending, it is a port of an Arcade game that’s meant to suck up quarters and gain high scores, so yeah the game really isn’t meant to end. But Bores said to himself “I have to destroy the game in this video…”, and so he made up an ending where his car falls off a cliff, giving him the excuse to throw the game out the window. You don’t have to destroy the game in every video! In fact, you don’t in some of these videos. Not in DuckTales, Mega Man, Donkey Kong, Kung-Fu, or Castlevania. You’re really inconsistent you know that? At least destroy BAD games!
13. “Imma do a game I already did, my audience won’t notice”
In 2013, Bores reviewed Rayman Legends. It was boring, but not stupid enough to be memorable. He probably hoped everyone forgot because for some inexplicable reason, he reviewed the game again! Somehow worse than before as he once again filmed his TV, and his entire review was nothing more than “Here’s a level, it’s pretty cool, I won’t explain why it’s cool, it just is”.
When people did point out he reviewed it before, he got pissed, put on his mommy mask, and yelled at everyone. Along with yelling at people pointing out that he said “female girls” (you only need to say one of those).
12. “Montages make me hard!”
My god, Chris loved his montages this year. Couldn’t go one video without a short one jammed in there somewhere.
But then he got greedy and started doing crazy long ones. A nearly two minute one in Punch-Out that tries to be like Rocky (and fails because he doesn’t climb the steps of a museum, at least find something similar in Ohio you lazy ass), and a painful one in Castlevania that tries to be like Scooby-Doo (with Bores, Ronnie, and Devil Bores playing fake instruments).
The way Chris promoted the latter on Facebook, does he think that his fans eat this shit up? Is THIS one of the things fans like about his videos? The montages? I really don’t understand his fans…
11. “Kickstarter is awful, wait it’s good for education, wait I get free stuff?”
Chris’ position on Kickstarter is all over the fucking place. The “e-begging spoof” made it sound like he thought it was terrible, but then his “Opening Up” video had him say that Kickstarter should only be used for educational purposes (citing Reading Rainbow’s comeback), which is bizarre as he mentioned Mighty No. 9 on his site being one of the highest funded campaigns and the only thing MN9 can teach is not to trust Keiji Inafune (okay that was more Red Ash but MN9 has kind of under-whelmed me).
But then this year, when he needed content, he began “reviewing” items he got in exchange for promoting their Kickstarters. This included a tabletop RPG from a company that has done like a dozen campaigns (seems fishy) and a carry-on bag. How are these educational Chris? Then again, he has a very skewed idea of what “educational” is, considering History of Video Games and I Rate the 80’s.
Oh, and the board game review I mentioned above also promotes their Kickstarter. Chris, you’d make one hell of a politician if you weren’t so stupid.
10. IG takes the dive into Let’s Plays… and it goes about as well as you think.
I’m surprised Bores didn’t try this YEARS ago, but he finally dipped his toe into the massive Let’s Play ocean. He fucking failed at it of course, but at least he tried.
We managed to get three videos out of him, all based on games he recently “reviewed” (DuckTales, Kid Icarus, and Punch-Out). All are bad in their own different way.
In DuckTales, he stopped early on to find his Mickey Mousecapdes cartridge for some reason, he played the game on Easy, didn’t beat a single level, skipped one because he felt there was “nothing to talk about”, repeated a lot of the same shit from the video, and it was BORING.
In Kid Icarus, it was also boring, but he took time to address why he didn’t bring up the hammers in the actual review, claiming it was “funnier if he didn’t”. Damn it Chris! That excuse didn’t save you with Aladdin, and it won’t save you here! Why do you think it’s funnier NOT to mention important gameplay mechanics? It’s misleading! Don’t you realize you have actual kids watching that believe you? Why are you so dense? Also, the video is gone like I mentioned earlier.
However, I feel the worst is the Punch-Out LP. He pretended like he was playing the game (the footage and his hands clearly didn’t match up), claiming he was doing bad because he was trying to do commentary at the same time (even though he clearly wasn‘t), he made excuses to why he mispronounced names in the review (IT’S HOW I SAID THEM AS A KID, SHUT UP!), there were TWO videos making it extra-boring, and what I feel is the biggest offense, he took up half the screen. Instead of putting his face in the corner, half the screen was just him. That’s a big nooooo in these videos Chris. Especially since you’re not an attractive woman with big tits that is able to get the attention of horny teens (and even then, older, smarter people call them on that bullshit). I get the feeling the Let’s Plays weren’t popular as he hasn’t done one since Punch-Out. Looking at them, the views are abysmal.
9. GIMME AMIIBO!
Chris ignored amiibo during their announcement at E3 2014, writing it off as “kids will like it” (and it was still incredibly hypocritical of him to say that considering his Skylanders obsession). It wasn’t until March 2015 when the craze was in full effect with store exclusives, jacked-up scalper prices and rare ones disappearing that he started talking about them. He mostly just said standard stuff on how they work and rarity and blah blah blah.
The moment I’m including on the list is when he outright demanded to his viewers to give him amiibo for free (with the only “payment” being exposure). Coming from the man that said e-begging is awful and they should just spend money out of their own pocket to get what they want. The hypocrisy was absolutely stunning, and there was at least one person that was stupid enough to do it. Unbelievable isn’t it?
8. “Pixels is totes gonna be a good movie guyz”
Chris brought back the Summer Movie List this year… really late as he only ended up putting seven films on it. The video did contain some casual racism as he complained about Johnny Storm being black in the new Fantastic Four (and that ended up being the least of that train wreck’s problems) but it also contained some major naivety when it came to a certain Adam Sandler movie.
Chris believed that Pixels was going to be a great movie. Just because it had video games. … You are delusional. While it might not have been the worst Sandler movie (it doesn’t have people cheering statutory rape like That’s My Boy), it certainly wasn’t good (unless you’re Movieblob, then it’s Cinematic Hitler). You just let nostalgia blind you once again Chris (just like his Captain EO review, by the way that’s not on the list because it was just dull overall)
In fact, he was so excited for it, that he “reviewed” Donkey Kong to tie-in with the movie’s release. Why?!
You know, Chris hasn’t said anything about the movie since. What did you think of it? Did it live up to your overly-optimistic expectations?
HOLD ON! I was looking over the video list again, and the Top Summer Movies list is also gone! Good fucking lord Chris, stop deleting videos for no reason!
Update: As I was working on this, my informant told me that Bores posted on Twitter that he got Pixels on Blu-Ray for Christmas, saying he’s “one of the few that loved the movie”. Wow… just wow. He really is the Adam Sandler audience, he is that stupid. Or maybe he’s just so blinded by nostalgia that he’ll overlook the movie’s many flaws because “VIDEO GAMES”. This is why nobody will take you seriously as a gamer Chris.
7. HUR HUR HUR KUH-RAZY SPLATOOOOOON!
I… I’m not sure what to say about this one. It was just baffling.
Chris tried to apply a new style to IG Neo, likely inspired by popular YouTubers like Markiplier and JonTron, and it backfired HARD. Utilizing excessive jump cuts, shouting, and humor that’s somehow more random than usual, the result was excessive cringe. Made even worse in that the test subject for this style was Splatoon, an excellent new title that people are still playing online. Of course, he barely played it too. Only completing two levels of the single-player campaign (watch the amiibo section to see proof) and not even touching the multiplayer (the most important aspect). The only reason it isn’t higher on the list is that for once, Bores actually learned his lesson and abandoned this style after this video (at least for game reviews).
6. YOU LIKE KUH-RAZY GAME REVIEW? NOW HERE KUH-CRAZY MOVIE REVIEW!
In another of his many moves to have multiple videos a week, Chris brought back movie reviews. Somehow, he made them even worse. I’m actually impressed that he managed to take his “zooming in on images while I say vague statements about the movie” style and go even lower.
He decided to take the style he established in the Splatoon review, and use it to talk about movies. More excessive jump cuts, more random jokes, and for some reason it would cut to him with a gray-ish filter to do wacky one-liners, or wacky “stunts” like spin around for no reason.
He only did two “reviews” this way, the first on the Poltergeist remake, and the second on Pixar’s Inside Out. The latter stands out as particularly bad as it contains the random spinning, and his attempt at impersonating the five emotions. Well, that and I actually saw Inside Out, I didn’t bother with the Poltergeist remake. He barely talks about the movie, gets things wrong, references events without context, assuming that his viewers already saw the movie. Surprisingly, the fans HATED it.
I can’t confirm it since hasn’t done another movie review, but I suspect he dropped this style. This hyperactive ADD style doesn’t work Chris, at least not for you.
5. “Here’s tech that’s just as cheap and shitty as my show!”
In yet another attempt to have multiple videos a week, Chris began taking offers from shady Chinese companies to “review” tech products. This can only mean GOOD things right?
Yeah, it’s clear Chris has no clue how to review tech. He never goes into technical details like battery life or compatibility, just says if something is cool. Not to mention his attempts at trying to make the videos “wacky”. His “review” of a security system involved him talking to his toys, and saying “Alakazam” to make things disappear. Did a kid write this shit?
These tech reviews just scream “I’m desperate for any views, give me views!” Well… they’re not coming. You only have yourself to blame Chris.
4. Tales of Lazy Half-Assed Not Even Trying
Chris stepped into the wrong territory this year, deciding to review the newest game in the Tales series. That was a huge mistake.
Barely scratching the surface of this massive RPG, he delivered a beyond half-assed “review” that mostly relied on how silly the main character’s name is, and that completely fails as he mispronounces it the entire time. The game has English voice acting, how the hell did you miss that?! Not to mention getting another character’s name completely wrong, which makes me doubt he even touched the game and probably just watched videos of it on YouTube and somehow wasn’t paying attention. Can’t prove it as there’s no watermarks, but I seriously doubt he played it. Not touching the skills system, barely touching the battle system, only saying that “Kingdom Hearts is to blame for action RPGs” even though the Tales series predates it by several years, this was a low effort travesty and GotGame needs to fire his ass for providing such poor content. What is wrong with you GotGame?
3. “Your ‘review’ is as empty as your fanbase. YouTube illneeds a hack such as you”
God damn, his Castlevania review was a mess. I already mentioned the montage but there was a ton of bad stuff along with it. Weird pandering to kids with a modern pop song reference, dumb jokes, more crying about difficulty (IT’S ALL THE FUCKING SAME), a weird gag involving the magic orbs you get from defeating bosses (or baubles as he believes) which somehow summons Dracula, who he defeats by… turning him into Count Chocula. I will never understand his obsession with these cereal mascots…
It’s lucky that the #2 pick was worse.
2. Blue Bomber “review” is a total bomb
Took some time, but I’ve decided on the worst regular IG episode of the year. Mega Man!
Soooo much wrong with this episode. The “review” was all over the place as he kept cutting to different stages for no reason, he kept using the powers wrong (he didn’t even understand how Guts Man’s power worked until the end), he never got the Magnet Beam, tons of complaining about how hard it is, a montage of him dying in the same exact spot over and over (that’s not entertaining), blatant Game Genie use, never addressing the Yellow Devil (yet he complains about the Copy Robot), possibly stolen footage (it looks different at a couple points), pointlessly destroying posters, and of course, abysmal jokes. Especially the one where he implies that Mega Man rapes Dr. Wily. You can’t do dark humor Chris, stop trying.
I hope hope hope hope HOPE he never does the sequels.
1. Ghosts ghosts ghosts ghosts so much ghosts all the ghosts! BUY MY BOOK!
2015 was the year Chris doubled down hard on the paranormal ghost stuff. The biggest moment by far was the announcement and release of a published book. Ghost Hunting 2.0, named so as he believes it to be a continuation of Grant Wilson’s “Ghost Hunting: True Stories of Unexplained Phenomena from The Atlantic Paranormal Society”. In reality, it’s a badly-written, egotistical mess where Chris jerks himself off over his alleged accomplishments and how he’s soooo smart for using tools that others don’t (or so he believes, there’s hundreds of ghost hunters out there). He claims he got the book proofread, but there’s grammar & spelling errors, and even a major contradiction in the first chapter. On top of that there are cringe worthy pop culture references like Bores comparing himself to Batman fighting the Riddler, with mentions of Scooby-Doo, Slimer (not the Ghostbusters, just Slimer), Freddy Krueger, and a story involving a couple were renamed Fred & Wilma to protect their identities. Concluding with the belief that he formed a brand new branch of psychology, without any substantial science to back him up. My word, his ego is gargantuan. He claims he worked on it for two years, but people that read it say it’s more like two weeks.
He REALLY wants his video game fans to buy it, offering free DVDs if you buy the book. When Amazon Kindle was offering the book for free, he spammed several authors on Twitter telling them to read it (including romance authors because of a supposed “love story”). He reminds me of Jay Sherman.
Of course, when the book got (deserved) negative reviews on Amazon, Chris fought back. He began getting fake Amazon accounts to spam 5-star reviews all over, all made very clear they didn’t read the book. Chunks of them were deleted, however it was clear he was cheating the system. I’m surprised he wasn’t banned.
He went on Coast to Coast Radio and claims to got a ton of e-mails saying his stuff is awesome (no evidence of course). Somehow, he got Grant Wilson’s approval. At least, that’s what he says. For all we know, Grant was stringing him along since he’s been accused of being a con artist. The paranormal community is a massive circle jerk of the same people congratulating themselves over things that don’t actually exist, and charismatic people can exploit these idiots for monetary gain. Grant probably saw Chris as another dollar sign. Ironic since Chris likely treats his friends like Eric Allen and Brad Harp as dollar signs and will only have them around if they appear in his videos.
There’s also his alleged Hardcore Pawn appearance, but that hasn’t aired, and I’m not even sure if it will. It didn’t air in Season 9, and there’s been no word on a Season 10.
Update: Just as I was about to post this, my informant gave me an update! Chris stated that he’s working on his SECOND BOOK ALREADY! Holy fuck Chris! Are you delusional? Your book didn’t sell at all! Most of the positive reviews were fake! The only legit ones were from people even dumber than you! What is wrong with you? How can you be so up your own ass? What is it even going to be about, more self-fellatio like the first book?
And that is 2015. What will next year bring us? Will Chris try to change video styles again? Will Chris stick to a consistent schedule? Will Chris admit that he’s pretending to be his mom? Will I get someone that was close to him give me some insight to how his mind works? Will his ghost career crash and burn? Will Chris once again disrespect the recently deceased? All we can do is wait.
EDIT: Are you fucking kidding me Chris?! He just put out a new video. 18 minutes long, about fucking toys! *siiiiighs* Did he plan this? Did he know that I was putting up the list and put up that video to fuck with me? Well jokes on you Chris, it's not going on any list!
I'll make a post about it tomorrow. Finishing up this list drained me and I need time to recharge.