Friday, January 29, 2016

IG Continues to Crap on Classics with a Not-so-Exciting Excitebike Review

Welp, the Excitebike video he teased on Facebook yesterday is now up.
The good news is that it’s short. Only 5:36. I imagine at least 20 seconds is the “thanks for subscribing” stuff at the end. 

He capitalizes the “b” in Excitebike in the title. Weird.
*looks at description* “This time taking a look at the classic video game, Excitebike. Is it really as exciting as it's name? lets find out, Irate Gamer style!” He doesn’t capitalize the “b” here, but he doesn’t capitalize the “L” in Lets. Also I’m pretty sure it’s supposed to be “Let’s” with an apostrophe. Sorry for the grammar lesson, but if Chris is so confident in his writing skills that he wants to make a second book, then I’m going to focus on that now.
He’s also still including that idiotic  “Parapper the Rapper free” disclaimer in the description. What the fuck does that even mean?

He updated the intro to include multiple scenes from “Season 5”. He showcased the stupid “band scene” from the Castlevania montage.

0:17 - 1:10: Takes out the cartridge, talks about it a bit, ends up going off course and chokes himself with his controller cord not even a minute in. Could you at least start playing before doing the retarded reactions?
He briefly goes over the controls. A is slower gear, B is faster gear that can overheat your bike. He overheats in the middle of a race leading to a long waiting gag (yep, another one of these, he is so predictable).
“I could bake a shit soufflĂ© faster than this!” Remind me how he doesn’t use toilet humor?
Also, that was clearly more manipulative editing. The timer was at 0:24 when he stopped, and 0:28 when he resumed. You’re full of crap Chris.

1:10 - 1:37: He mentions the arrows that cool down your engine, and says it goes down “faster than Link can drink a red potion” and it cuts to Bores with a big empty space next to him. Link’s gonna show up isn’t he?
… YEP! Using the Zelda 2 sprite altered to make him look drunk. Also, Chris trying to voice act a drunk Link is just painful. What is the point of this?
Drunk Link rambles, he drops the f-bomb which is bleeped for some reason, and he pukes. With all the dark humor in the last History video and the random puke here, he’s really delving more into modern Family Guy. All that’s missing is the excessive gore.

1:38 - 2:07: He goes over the first track, says it’s easy, misses a jump. He says “gosh damn it”. That’s really cringey and comes off like a Christian reviewer that wants to get away from his fundamentalist roots.
He beats the track in the required time and gets the victory screen where the biker is jumping up and down on the First Place platform. Bores then edits himself onto and jumps as well, and by “jump” I mean “animate” himself to move up and down while cheering. It looks really fucking bad.
Then Drunk Link appears again causing Bores to hide. … This is going to be a Rule of Three thing isn’t it?

2:08 - 3:12: Goes over the third track, shows some hills that slow you down, cut to IG “imitating” that by having the camera shake, makes a comment about his dead grandma being a better driver. Meeeeeh…
On the fourth track, notes the neon green color scheme. “Colorblind our way through the track” Colorblind isn’t a verb you hack!
He runs into hills and bumps, he questions why the biker tumbles after missing leading to the sprite to tumble in front of him. Was that meant to be a reference to tumbleweed? Bored…
Lots of shots him overreacting with the controller. He is the worst at trying to convey proper game playing. The worst.
He beats the fourth track.

3:13 - 4:02: Onto the fifth track, says its gets harder (well duh). Gets angry at a certain obstacle that he calls a “diving board”, keeps screwing up, cuts to him in a race screwing up on the same obstacle there, beats the track only getting 9th place. He gets mad and throws the controller, which hits his TV and changes it to copyrighted material! Specifically Barney & Friends. … Why? He tries to change the channel but his remote is out of batteries. … What is the point? Why is this scene here? Are you continuing to the test the limits to how much copyrighted material you can get away with on future DVDs? It’s going to bite you in the ass one day Chris.

4:03 - 4:50: He moves on to actual racing in Selection B (yeah all the stuff before was Selection A) and he purposely tries to hit the other bikers. YOU ARE DOING IT WRONG!
Another over-the-top reaction… who finds these funny? Just doing the same reaction over and over and over and over again isn’t funny. You have to have a variety of them. Save the extreme ones for the really bad moments, for just bad moments try more subdued jokes and riffing. But no, always with the “AGGGGGHGGHGH” like an asshole on cocaine.
He questions how there are more racers even though there were four at the start. They’re either behind you or in front of you. The game can only show four due to technical limitations. This is one of the earliest Famicom/NES games.
He keeps running into the bikers, blames them (idiot) and then a bit where the bikers hit him in real life. Not much longer.

He gets to the finish line, only gets fourth place, then says the game wasn’t exciting, and was about as exciting as “painful ass hemorrhoids”, and he changes the game’s title to “Painful Ass Hemorrhoids Bike”. First of all, gross. Second, “ass hemorrhoids” is redundant as that’s the only location you can get a hemorrhoid. … Don’t look up hemorrhoid on Wikipedia…
The video ends with him removing the game from his NES, he calls it shit and throws it, saying if he sees one more bike he’s going to scream. Then the Paperboy from… Paperboy appears and hits him. The expression he decided to go with is just wrong. Was he going for humor?
Then a stinger as Drunk Link shows up one more time (yep, Rule of Three), says “Excuse Me Princess” (GET IT? BECAUSE THAT’S WHAT HE SAID IN THE CRAPPY CARTOON! HUR HUR HUR HUR) and then he pukes again. This was a mess.

Again, this was barely anything. He barely talks about the game, going over Selection A for most of it, barely covering Selection B, doesn’t even TRY to look at Design Mode, or create his own custom track. What the hell Bores?
Just a bunch of dumb reactions, pointless references, and a terrible running joke involving a drunk Link that really doesn’t make sense. Who finds this funny? Why?
And I bet we're going to get the same song and dance of people asking why he hates Excitebike and he'll use the same excuse of "I actually love the game, why do you think I hate it?" I'm sorry, but when you compare a game to hemorrhoids and call it shit, people tend to think that you don't like it.

At least it was short.

Thursday, January 28, 2016

Catching Up on Filler

Seems Chris is actually going to put out a real video tomorrow. He posted on Facebook that he plans to review... Excitebike. *sighs* Another classic? Fucking hell Chris, you really don't get it. He's using the "I only cover games I enjoy" excuse. Which is obviously bullshit as he's covered several legit bad games like Back to the Future, X-Men, and Power Rangers on Sega CD. He's doing this for clickbait and he knows it.

Until then, here's what he's done since. Four videos of crap.

First video was another tech review, looking at another power bank (what is it with these Chinese companies and power banks?) and another speaker. There's barely any meat to it, just Chris going on about his obsession with bass (probably because it's the only audiophile term he's familiar with).

Second video was 11 minutes of speculating on a leaked list of Lego Dimensions toys. I tried... but it was sooooo boring. Frankly I'd just wait and see what toys they release in the future. Especially when the list is all initials.

Third video is Chris tackling phone apps. ... Yep, he's reached that low now. Apparently he was "asked" to look at them. Maybe the first one but I doubt the second.
The first one he looked at was some really crappy Five Nights at Freddy's clone, with pictures of real people and shitty MS Paint graphics. Harrod did research and learned the game was released by Richard Henne, the man behind 2009's Balloon Boy hoax. It seems Henne is desperate to get famous and will go to crazy lengths to do so. I guess he sees himself in Bores, someone else desperate to get famous. How sad.
The second app is a credit card creator. ... It looks pointless.

Fourth video is another artbook review, where you guessed it, Chris shows every single page. Seems fans reaaaaaally hated this one as the dislikes are heavy. Is Chris even familiar with the Fable series? Yeah the book is about Fable Legends, the upcoming F2P MOBA that will likely bomb because everyone is too busy with League of Legends, Smite, or Dota 2.

Sorry for the crappy entry, but if he's not going to put effort into making videos, why should I?

Tuesday, January 19, 2016

Another Testimony of a Former Irate Gamer Fan by marston

Hey everyone. I know new posts have been slow, but the last two videos barely contained content worth bringing up (I'll address them when we get a video with meat to it). Instead, here's another fan contribution. This one coming to us from TVTropes user marston. After I showed him the blog, more specifically, Robert's testimonial back in October, he wanted to share his own story on how he fell out of favor with the Irate Gamer. Enjoy.

Back in 2007 when I was age 12 years old, I discovered YouTube for the first time and had loads of fun with it, especially when it came to watching videos about various Video Games. I came across AVGN's Friday The 13th review and absolutely loved it. I watched it along with all his other videos that were out at the time. There was one point for a while where he stopped uploading the reviews on YouTube and kept them on Before I got the totally ingenious idea of just going to that website and watching his new videos {From my experience, when your young enough you don't always have common sense}, I started looking up other "Angry Video Game Reviewers" and came across people like Wizwar100 and Armake21, finding them just as hilarious as AVGN. Eventually I ran into Irate Gamer's videos, and that's where this story really begins. 

When I watched Irate Gamer's videos, I thought the guy was fantastic. The random jokes, the edits he'd make to video games, the fast-paced Family Guy style of humor, even the side characters {Yes, I liked some of them, with Evil Gamer being my favorite one out of what I thought was a colorful cast of quirky and funny characters}, I loved it all. I would get excited whenever he released a new video. And much like fellow ex-fan Robert, I also believed IG whenever he said a game was shitty. I really did think that Super Mario Advance was better then the "Crappy" NES version of SMB 2, just because IG said so, even though in the end the only huge differences between the two are updated graphics, some voice acting and the ability to save your progress. He's also the guy who got me into Indiana Jones via his video on the Temple Of Doom video game, as I was inspired to check out those awesome films because of said video. 

There was something that annoyed me though. Something that, in hindsight, I really should have listened to much earlier. A lot of people were accusing Chris Bores of ripping off AVGN. I didn't take them seriously though, and there's another reason for that besides my blind fanboyism towards IG back then. See, back in 2007-2008, there were a LOT of douchebags in YouTube comments who gained the insulting nickname "AVGN Nazis". These people were fanboys who would go and accuse nearly any Angry Reviewer, and possibly even just any video game reviewer in general, of being an AVGN rip-off. Even if your style was different and you didn't take a single joke from the Nerd {Or even cover the same games as him}, you would get accused of ripping his show off just because you reviewed a video game. I remember that at one point even James Rolfe himself told these guys to knock it off. As a result of these annoying twats combined with me hating when people bashed something I liked, I didn't take legit criticisms towards IG seriously and just wrote them off as being more AVGN fanboys. There were some signs that should have been telling, however. I use to follow a ranter known as BigAl2K6. One of the subjects he ranted about was these very same AVGN fanboys. Yet he also did several rant videos on IG and detailed how the guy really was ripping off James as well as giving examples of how he blatantly lies in his videos {For example, Big Al is a huge fan of Kinnikuman, and he showed actual proof on how you can do way more things in the NES game based on it then what Bores showed off}. But being the huge fan of IG I was, I didn't listen to him or even watch more then one of his IG Rant videos. I was baffled at Al's supposed hypocrisy on the matter. "What, he hates AVGN Nazis and yet accuses poor Chris Bores of ripping off the Nerd? Why do so many people hate Irate Gamer? He just wants to entertain people just like AVGN does!" were my thoughts at the time. Looking back now I understand the whole situation, but that's the power of hindsight I guess. 

I continued watching IG's videos for a long while after that. I can even name what were once my favorite reviews of his too {Jaws, the Temple Of Doom, and Tetris, especially since I grew up with that last game and the fact that his review of it was actually positive}. At some point though, I just kind of stopped watching his videos. Not for any particular reason that I can remember though, I just stopped going out of my way to watch any more Irate Gamer stuff. Somewhere down the line due to my lack of interest in IG now, I finally started listening to the negative things people had to say about this guy, and not only did I find myself agreeing with them, but also shocked at how much of a douche Bores really is, especially with that message that showed how huge his ego is and even accusing AVGN of ripping HIM off. I think it might have started when I watched some videos from the "I Can't Believe It's Not AVGN" riffing series. The whole reason why I've even been looking up more stuff about Irate Gamer lately is because I recently not only watched a ton of those aforementioned riffing videos, but also due to watching Third Rate Gamer's hilarious parodies of IG. As for Irate Gamer himself though, nowadays when I look back at his series, these videos I once use to love and laugh at, my thoughts on it are similar to how people view the terrible Monster A Go-Go movie that the MST3K crew mocked: It's completely unwatchable without someone riffing on it. None of his jokes are funny, most of the characters are annoying, and his acting is absolutely terrible. And nowadays he's been bashing even more classic games just because "Wah, it's too hard, I hate challenge!". And I've noticed just how badly he's ripped off AVGN too, especially with those terrible DVD's of his. I can't believe that I use to actually like this asshole. 

I can thankfully say that I'm still a fan of AVGN though, even to this day. His acting, comedy, insight and just about everything about him is far better then what IG has ever done, including James Rolfe being a far nicer guy then Chris Bores. I still watch his videos every now and then and get a huge kick out of them. Even most of his new stuff is still good too. Maybe someday I might even buy some of his DVD's. That's far more then what I can say for Irate Gamer, who as I said before I won't even touch with a 10-foot pole unless it's a riff video. It is kind of sad though, having once enjoyed IG's stuff. His actions as well as me growing up over time ruined my view of him being a hilarious guy who just wanted to make people laugh. If he had changed his style and wasn't an asshole, maybe I would still be watching his stuff to this day. But he's mostly been just doing the same thing since 2007, and I outgrew it. Nowadays when I watch a funny reviewer it'll be someone like Cinema Snob, Linkara or the aforementioned Nerd. I doubt I'll ever watch an un-riffed Irate Gamer video ever again. 

Sorry if this story isn't as insightful as the previous ex-Irate Gamer Fan. My memory isn't as good as his, and both his story and mine cover some of the same stuff to begin with. I will say this however: I've noticed that a fair amount of his current fans are roughly around 12 years old or younger just like I was. This was even pointed out in one of the "I Can't Believe It's Not AVGN" videos. They might annoy you severely, and you can get pissed at them {IG fans or not, kids on YouTube tend to be rather annoying}, but keep in mind that they're tastes will likely change over the years. It happened with me, after all. Try not to hold it against them. Hindsight and Growing Up can really help people see things in a different perspective. They might end up going through something very similar to what I did. Thanks for reading my story.

Saturday, January 9, 2016

A Dimensional Shopping List for Stupid People

Really Chris? I just put up a post yesterday, and here you are already putting up a video. Did you just have this waiting in your hard drive for the chance to strike? Also, you posted videos on Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday. You don’t give a fuck about your schedule do you?

Anyway, here’s the Lego Dimensions review he promised in that awful comparison video. It’s 11:18 long… fuuuuuuuck
Likes are high, but the views are low. The video’s been up for 14 hours as of this typing and there’s only a little over 2000 views. Sounds like the fans are so sick of the toys, they don’t even bother to click the video to even dislike it.

It’s a Neo episode so the intro is there.

0:06 - 2:15: “I know it’s been out for a couple months now” Couple = Four? Also, when the fuck has that stopped you Bores?
He’s repeating what he said in the comparison video about getting “burned” by Disney Infinity and amiibo. So is that why your amiibo blog is dead? Again, you should have done research!
The brief footage he shows indicates this is either on PS3 or PS4. He doesn’t seem to specify.
“I want to get into all the aspects” Spoiler alert: He does not do this.
Going over the story, mentioning the Gateway. “Plug it into whatever game device you use” Console. It’s called a console you pleb.
Lot of captain obvious stuff, like having to build everything, the fact you get instructions, yeah I’m sure anyone over the age of 3 could have figured that out.
Mentions that the vehicle and gadget instructions are in-game only (holy crap an actual game flaw), then says the story really hooked him in the first couple minutes. “When it does that you know you’ve got a good game” Naaah *looks at Fallout 4* Hooks you in, but it ends up laaaame.

2:16 - 4:38: Gushing about the worlds, how Lego has so many. Too bad about Marvel and Star Wars huh? Thanks Disney Infinity!
Lists off the franchises… a couple he lists off he implies were already made by Lego before, specifically Back to the Future and Ghostbusters. I bring this up because he makes sure to note the new franchises like Doctor Who, Midway Arcade, Portal, and The Wizard Oz. All the other franchises have had toys or games, the six I mentioned here did not. You really should do research Chris.
“A list of others that will be showing up in the future” No love Chima or Ninjago? Some Lego fan you are.
More about the worlds… this review has been mostly listing shit.
“Now I haven’t played through the entire game just yet” Stop! We have another review that is now considered null & void because he didn’t beat the game. Seriously Chris? The game has been out since September.
Oh, he’s “savoring” it because not everyone is out. That’s not an excuse! You can beat the entire game with just the starter characters. Also by that logic, you would never be able to beat/review it because there’s still more and more packs coming. 12 have been announced for the future (five of them coming out January 19th).
He goes over the three types of packs… blah blah blah…
Oh, so he DOES know you only need the starter characters! You’re so full of it Chris…
He mentions people’s issues with the price, all he says is to check stores for sales. Are you going to explain how much these normally cost without sale prices and why people are turned off? Level Packs are $30, Team Packs are $25, and Fun Packs are $15. Considering that as of this posting there are 4 Level Packs ($120), 3 Team Packs ($75), and 19 Fun Packs ($285!), it all really adds up. Even with sales prices it’s still not cheap.

4:39- 7:47: “I’m a big proponent of Skylanders” Weird word to use…
7 characters at once, blah blah blah blah… can’t level up… how about talking about the gameplay itself?
Mentions the voice acting, only giving a few examples. No mention of both Troy Baker & Will Arnett as Batman? Implying he knows who Troy Baker is…
He mentions the fucking Chris Pratt thing again! Does he think his viewers have goldfish memories? Actually, why don’t you show the line? Show the scene? You’re recording footage (surprisingly, not with his camera). Show, don’t tell.
Also, no mention of the weirdness involving The Simpsons levels and characters? The only voice actor they could get was Dan Castellaneta, and even then they technically didn’t get him. All of Homer’s lines are taken from the show. The stage you get when you purchase him is a recreation of the season 8 episode The Mysterious Voyage of Homer, where he spends a chunk of it alone. The only other voice is the Coyote played by Johnny Cash, using dialogue from the episode (obviously they couldn’t get new dialogue as Cash passed away years ago). I watched a video online and everyone else is silent, including Marge and it just looks weird. Looking into it, there are other Castellaneta characters that speak like Krusty, Mayor Quimby, Groundskeeper Willie, and Hans Moleman, but they’re all taken from the show. No mention on any of this Chris?

He brings up the Gateway’s interactivity. Probably the most he’ll say about the gameplay.
More listing… this time about vehicles. Says some are stupid, but won’t mention which ones. Elaborate!
IG goes on about how lazy he is by not fully putting the Hoverboard together. You’re doing it wrong!

7:48 - 10:37: MORE LISTING!
I’m surprised he didn’t bring up his review when he mentioned Spy Hunter in the upcoming Midway Arcade Level Pack
He gushes about how “cool” it is to have a Ghostbuster playing Marty McFly. God, he just can’t stop fellating the 80’s can he? You know Chris, not everything about the 80’s was perfect. The HIV scare, rampant drug use, the Libyan Hostage Situation, the first George Bush. I grew up in the 90’s, but I don’t worship that decade. I will acknowledge there was a lot of crap and a lot of horrible things that happened. Don’t act like it was all roses and smiles.
“If you’re a child of the 80’s like I am” FUCK! I’m adding that to the drinking game.
He begins talking about the levels that come with the Level Packs.
“The storyline contains Doctor Who, that is in the middle of an attack” Wait, is he calling the main character Doctor Who? He’s called The Doctor. Yeah, he’s not a fucking fan. So full of it.
He doesn’t mention that the Simpsons level is a reenactment of The Mysterious Voyage of Homer. Come on, it’s so obvious!
Of course he never played Portal 2! Why would the so called gamer play one of the most important puzzle games of the last decade? Pfffffkl;aejrtg;klkjdragl;kgkl;
Oh and the Portal 2 level is his least favorite because it makes no sense and the music is weird. Fuck you! You have no right to call yourself a gamer anymore Chris. Change your name!
“Play it yourself, you’ll probably come to the same conclusion” No! I actually played Portal 2, I would probably love it! You are a sack of crap.
He says his least favorite character if the ACU Trooper from Jurassic World. Claims he wouldn’t have bought him if he wasn’t packed with Owen Grady. Bullshit, you probably would have bought him anyway. That’s how completionists work. Unless you’re lying about being a completionist, which you probably are.

Video ends with overall thoughts.
“The gameplay is solid” So solid that you barely mention it!
“Getting new characters to play in this game is a lot of fun” Nothing more fun than buying something!
“I wish Disney Infinity was like that but man they really missed the boat” … It’s called Disney Infinity! They’re only going to include franchises they own! How stupid are you?! It’s like some ignorant manchild wanting Captain N or the Doki Doki Panic cast to be amiibo. Nintendo doesn’t own those characters!

Ugh, video over.

Despite some really stupid moments, it was just boring overall. A lot of the “review” was just listing shit. He barely goes into gameplay, and he calls everything cool or confusing. This isn’t how you review.
And the worst part is that some people in the comments say he’s “finally got it right”. No he hasn’t! How about watching some real reviews, just search YouTube you’ll find them easily.

*sighs* Why does my head hurt…

Friday, January 8, 2016

Awful Tech Reviews That Even the Fans Hate. Ouch!

I was going to wait for another video to add onto this. But I’ve been told that this tech review is particularly bad. More so than usual.
Checking the video, there is waaay more dislikes than likes. At 9 minutes 18 seconds, I sense a lot of pain.

We open once again on Chris at his wobbly table. First item he’s going to look at is the Blaze Tablet from Looking it up, the full product name is the Blaze Tab Android Retro Gaming Tablet. It costs 100 GBP (that’s about $145 US, fuck that noise).
Funstock sent it to him. Guru Larry told me they send stuff to him too so Chris isn’t so special. Still, I wish these companies would actually research Bores before sending him free shit.
Wow, this tablet looks ugly as sin.
When he mentions the non-compatible European adapter, there’s a cutaway to him holding it up and looking “angry”. Was there supposed to be sound there?
What makes this tablet “special” is that the emulators are built right in. Hooray for piracy!
He shows the different consoles, then he shows the SNES part which is labeled SFC for Super Famicom. Chris states “It’s the European version so they call it the Super Famicom” …. God you’re stupid. Chris, they called it the SNES in the UK and the rest of the Europe. The only place that called the Super Famicom was Japan! I don’t know why the tablet calls it the Super Famicom, but it’s not because the UK calls it that. And this is someone that thinks he’s an authority on video game history.

There’s also Dreamcast games. Wow they must run like shit on that thing.
After mentioning PS1, he condenses it down to “Nintendo games and Sega games”. Checking their site, it allegedly plays (copy pasting from them) “PS1, MAME, Dreamcast, N64, NeoGeo, Atari, NES, SNES, Gameboy, Gameboy Colour, Gameboy Advance, SEGA Master System, SEGA Mega Drive, CPS1, CPS2, Amiga, Commodore 64, ZX Spectrum and many more!” So it’s not just “Nintendo and Sega”. But what do you expect from Bores?
He couldn’t figure out how to change the menu. Read the manual? It more than likely came with a manual.
He reveals he added Kirby’s Dream Land 3 and Tetris & Dr. Mario ROMs to it. Yay piracy!
He goes on and on about using USB, and being unable to figure out how to add ROMs with an SD card. Blah blah blah.
Oh, apparently there’s no manual. Well in that case, maybe you should Google the info, or ask Funstock themselves. By acting this ignorant, all you’re doing is making their product look bad and they will refuse to work with you in the future.

He demonstrates Super Mario Kart. Zzzzz.
“God it’s been forever since I played this game” I don’t believe you.
He claims it’s on par with the real thing. Perhaps, but when you get to PS1, Dreamcast, and Arcade titles, that’s where the holes will likely show. See, a real tech review would cover all the available emulators. But nooo Chris is all “muh nostalgia”
He mentions how you can minimize the game and return to the main screen. Chris, that’s available in most Android products, it’s not a feature exclusive to this. Also, there’s a really bad cut that happens in the middle of a sentence. You can hear it clearly too. How amateur is this?!

He moves onto N64, starts playing Pokemon Snap (and a bunch of Pokemon fans just got annoyed). He starts going on about how he didn’t like the N64 because the games were all 3D and that the 3D was bad. … Are you serious? A good chunk of the N64 games were pretty good 3D. Super Mario 64, Ocarina of Time and Majora’s Mask, Banjo Kazooie and Tooie, Star Fox 64, a lot of games were actually well-made. You’re sounding like an idiot when you say that (or Movieblob)
He compares the screen to GBA and DS. … You’re comparing a product that came out late 2015 to products that came out in 2001 and 2004. You should be comparing to similar tablets. Compare it to other Android tables, or the iPad, something more recent you hack! Not to mention that GBA and DS were not built for emulation, like this tablet claims to be.

I just noticed that the right analog stick looks broken. What the hell? Did it come shipped like that? How about pointing that out Chris?
Nope, instead he’s going to play the Arcade version of Donkey Kong. Notice that the arcade games he added (the ones without pictures) are old ass ones? Burger Time, Q*Bert, Star Wars (likely the old vector graphics one), Centipede, Toobin’, wait what the hell is Dondokdj? Is that meant to be Donkey Kong Jr? How the hell do you mess that up?
“I’ve got Donkey Kong in here, a game I reviewed recently” We know! Man he is such a shill.
Of course the game runs well. How about showing something more advanced than 1981? Something that pushes Arcade limits. Anyone with a toaster can run Donkey Kong. Hell, it’s perfectly playable in Donkey Kong 64.
His other ROMs don’t work. That sounds like your fault Chris. Maybe you should have found better ROMs.

Shows a PS1 shooter. Not something cool like Final Fantasy or original Spyro, nooo just some vertical scrolling shooter that probably runs really easily. You suck at this Chris.
Oh, he finally points out the broken analog stick. “It shipped to me broken, it may ship to you broken” Welp, Funstock is never going to give you anything again. You should have asked them for a replacement! Though like I said, Funstock really should have done research into Chris. All those companies should, they don’t realize how incompetent he is.

Seriously, where’s the battery life? Where’s the specs? Is the touch screen responsive compared to other tablets? Why not show off the other features other than the emulators? You can’t do tech reviews Chris, you’re utterly incompetent! People, look elsewhere if you want to hear about tech.

Bad news. It’s not the end of the video. There’s another product. Hopefully it won’t be as painful since there’s less than 3 minutes left in the video.

It’s a set of headphones sent to him by 1byone. Again? Did they not learn their lesson?
“These headphones have pluses and minuses” … Someone that has been “reviewing” for almost 9 years actually said this. Holy fuck!
Blah blah blah…
“You put them in your ears” THANKS, I NEVER WOULD HAVE FIGURED THAT OUT!
It cuts to him “rocking out” with the earphones on. They’re not even plugged into anything! He looks like a crazy person doing that.
“They work really well with cell phones” No shit, they’re Bluetooth. Bluetooth works very well with cell phones.
He shows how to charge them. Okay, how long do they last?
Apparently the volume isn’t good enough because he can still hear the lawnmower when he mows the lawn. Lawnmowers are loud Chris, even with the best headphones you’re always going to hear a little bit of it, especially when you’re right next to it! I mean, if you’re inside and someone is mowing the lawn and you can still hear it with those headphones, then yeah that’s bad. But you’re right there doing the chore!

“I’ve got a big head” Ya don’t say.
At the end, he shills the sites, including Funstock for the Blaze Tablet. Why? Didn’t you say the tablet sucked? Whatever…

What a dumb dumb dumb video. I hope he stops doing tech reviews because he’s even more ignorant about tech than he is about games. The dislikes really reflect that people hated it and he should really stop.

One more bit of news! Chris has a new merch site.
As you can see, you can get a t-shirt, a sweatshirt, a mug, a poster, a tote bag, or a phone case for stupidly high prices with one of four Irate Gamer designs. Including his logo, the 8-Bit Season 3 DVD cover, the overly-crowded Season 4 DVD cover, and an image of Bores, Ronnie and Devil Bores “rocking out”. Jeez, Bores really loved that fucking montage. Then again, Scooby-Doo seems to appeal to him hard considering he did it all the way back in 2004 with that Back to the Past video.
My informant told me that Chris claimed he was working on this for a long time. Why are you constantly lying Chris? All you did was send images to Spreadshirt and they put the images on whatever merch you wanted to sell. It’s the same thing as Cafepress. You didn’t do shit Chris.

We’re barely into 2016 and things are already rough.

Wednesday, January 6, 2016

Let's Start the Year with Toys! DAMN IT!

Is Chris just going to dedicate his channel to toys now? It’s feeling like that with his latest two videos. I’d say “make a separate channel for toys”, but he barely uses his Skylanders channel, and he outright gave up on his amiibo blog (no posts since July). Chris really has no clue how to handle his channel now.

First of the two videos, posted on December 31st (likely to screw over my year end list). Bores is going to attempt comparing Skylanders, Disney Infinity, amiibo, and Lego Dimensions. Goody, I can sense this will be LOADED with poorly research information.
Oh, and it’s 18 minutes long. *sighs* Alright.

We open on Bores at his table, and on it are groups of the four toys. Skylanders on the left, amiibo on the middle left (Smash Bros Mario, Pikachu, Pit, Villager, and SMB Luigi, and that red stand fucking sticks out, just put another Smash Bros figure there or buy the god damn Plank Luigi), Disney Infinity on the middle right (all five the Inside Out emotions) and Lego Dimensions on the right (I see the starter pack characters Batman, Gandalf and Wyldstyle, I see Emmet from The Lego Movie, Homer Simpson, and Marty McFly).

Is this where all your money is going Chris? You said back in the video asking for a cover for your stupid book that you can’t pay much because money is tight. Yet here you are buying all these fucking toys. I’m sure the Skylanders were free because Activision thinks you’re actually valuable to this shitty franchise, but I guarantee that all the others were out of his own pocket. He’s shown four of the five amiibo before, the newest looks to be Villager (that’s $14 at Toys R Us). For the Inside Out figures, Sadness, Envy and Disgust are $14 each, with Joy & Anger being part of a pack with the Inside Out DI3.0 level for $35. If he bought the game too then that’s $65. Lego Dimensions likely took out the biggest dent. The starter pack alone is $100. Getting Marty McFly and Homer Simpson is about $30 each as they come with a vehicle and new level. Emmet is $15 as he also comes with a vehicle.

So if we add all that up, that’s around $331 spent, not counting four amiibo already seen before. I’m sorry, how exactly is money tight?
Granted, he could have likely waited for discounts on a lot of these. You can buy the PS4 version of Lego Dimensions on Amazon for $70 at the moment. Still more than a normal game, but it’s a nice discount.
Also, why did he even buy the Inside Out toys? Didn’t he say before he didn’t like Disney Infinity? Maybe he changed his mind and he’ll say so in this video? I really should stop stalling and fucking get to it.

“And this has been dubbed Toys to Life” Uh doi.
“I get a couple e-mails a week” Just a couple? Really reigning that ego in Chris.
Chris claims he got into Skylanders because it’s a dungeon crawler. Is that why you barely talk about the gameplay in… all the games?
He says the characters reflected the “fantasy middle ages genre they were going for” *looks at Trigger Happy with his guns and cannons* You are crazy.
He didn’t script this… again… why does he think he can go unscripted?

Talks about Disney Infinity. “We had Mickey Mouse” Who wasn’t released until late in the first game’s life, and it was Sorcerer’s Apprentice Mickey, the classic one wasn’t released until the third game.
He mentions his idea for a story that he wanted to happen. So what gave you the idea that your little fanfic, or any story for that matter, would happen?
He goes on about how the developers at E3 said no to all his questions. He believes they were trying to make Minecraft. Did you even know what Minecraft was around that time? I just think they weren’t trying to completely copy Skylanders. Make something original with the Toys-to-Life idea.
Boooooooorrrrrrriiiiiing how the fuck is this 18 minutes?
He goes on about wanting a compelling story to buy a video game. Yet you still bought Disney Infinity. Unless GotGame gave that to you but you’re never clear about that.
“I did not like it” Yet here you are with the fucking Inside Out figures. Why did you buy them?!
He complains that they keep making more with 2.0 and 3.0. Because people buy them! They buy the games, they buy the figures. They have Marvel and Star Wars, two of the biggest franchises of the last few years! You gave them at least $75 just to do this video! I know you’re an idiot when it comes to basic economics but my god!
Oh, he buys the figures because he feels they’re well made. Then you just answered your own question! They make more because people buy them, including you! You are fucking stupid!

Onto amiibo. Mentions their use in Smash Bros.
Then complains that they don’t really add much to the game. “You can still play as Mario blah blah blah” The point is they’re trainable AI. You can teach it to move like how you move, and considering you’re terrible at every game you play it’s likely they don’t add much for you. You ever hear of amiibo cockfights?
“It doesn’t really add anything to the game” Yes they do.
“A new skin or a new vehicle” What’s wrong with a new vehicle? Also, what game adds new vehicles?
Why do you not do research? Why do you insist on being an ignorant fuckface? Hyrule Warriors adds a new weapon for Link, Codename STEAM adds playable Fire Emblem characters, Picross 3D 2 adds new puzzles, Captain Toad Treasure Tracker adds a “Find the Toad” game, Shovel Knight adds co-op, Mega Man Legacy Collection adds exclusive challenge levels, Splatoon adds challenge levels that unlock new gear. Hell, there’s three games already that require amiibo to function. Granted, one is just a free app that only plays random Virtual Console demos, but you have the two Animal Crossing games that require Animal Crossing figures or cards. Yes, some of the games are nothing more than skins. Mario Kart 8, One Piece Super Grand Battle X, Ace Combat: Assault Legacy +, Super Mario Maker, Yoshi’s Wooly World, but these are all just fun bonuses. That’s what it all is. Maybe you should have done some research before making this stupid fucking video!

He does mention that he heard “rumors” of a similar Skylanders-esque game. He also mentions how they’re “playable” in Super Mario Maker. Not really, it’s called “Costume Mario” for a reason. While you do get sound effects and music for beating the level or dying (unless you’re a Pokemon), they’re really nothing more than Mario playing dress-up.
Blah blah classic Nintendo characters I’m totes a gamer you guyz
He brings up the initial “rarebility”. Pretty sure that’s not a word. You likely meant scarcity or rarity, words that actually exist. Write a fucking script Chris!
Specifically he brings up how Villager was are, but he recently walked into “the store” and got it for $12. No, you got it for $14 because the Villager restock is Toys R Us exclusive, and they ask for $14 instead of $13 for some reason.
He brags about he was right about Nintendo getting a handle on the stocking situation. That’s not something to brag about, most people understood they would get the stock issues sorted out. It just took time and a lot of angry forum posts.

Now onto Lego Dimensions. Oh my god this video is only 7 and half minutes done.
He mentions he was hesitant to try it because Infinity and amiibo “disillusioned him”. Well if you had done RESEARCH you would know that they would do! Fuuuuck.
He just announced he plans to do a Lego Dimensions review. I sense pain on the horizon. I’ve watched videos of Lego Dimensions (because that game is fucking expensive) and it’s exactly the same as the other licensed Lego games. Have you played Lego Star Wars, Indiana Jones, Batman, Harry Potter, Pirates of the Caribbean, Lord of the Rings, Marvel, Jurassic World, or The Lego Movie game? Then you’ve played Lego Dimensions. It’s the same gameplay but with an inflated cost. Plus some franchises that haven’t been featured like Back to the Future, Scooby-Doo, The Simpsons, The Wizard of Oz, and Doctor Who.
Anyway, he gushes about the game, says it’s great (so I guess he doesn’t have to do the review then). Blah blah blah blah.
Talks about building everything “At first I thought these were a pain in the ass” These are some of the simplest looking Lego minifigs ever. You’re not asked to build complex designs for this game. Except for the Gateway and even then…
Oh, he’s got the Portal 2 Level Pack. Add another $30 to the above total ($361). Want to bet all the references flew over his head?
He mentions the ability to reassemble vehicles. Makes sense, it is a Lego game, and despite all the licensed stuff and instruction manuals they really want to enforce imagination.
Then he brings up all the voice actors, specifically pointing out Michael J. Fox. “I don’t know how they got him” They drove a giant dump truck full of money to his house.
“If you were a child growing up in the 80’s” Oh my god! I’m starting to realize how much he says this. You could probably go back and count how many times he said this, it might reach over 20. If that’s an attempt at a catchphrase, it’s a really dumb one.

He’s got this poster in front of him, and he’s pausing a lot. See, this is why you script! It’s not even an unedited ramble either, there’s clear editing going on!
Ugggggggggh, how is there so much of this left?
He brings up “Easter Eggs”, mentioning how Emmet can interact with Owen Grady from Jurassic World (and he doesn’t remember his name because he refuses to research) and Emmet will say “Don’t I know you?” “Hilarious!” he yells. … That’s really more a chuckle. Then again, he thinks Pixels is a great movie.

“This is probably the only franchise that holds a candle to Skylanders” I don’t think anyone will agree with you outside of your most dedicated sycophants.
“I hope Activision is listening” HAHAHAHAHAHHAA
“They could learn a lot by playing this game” Wasn’t Swap Force kind of like Lego? With the whole mixing up characters thing? What are they supposed to take from Lego? License some more characters? They got DK and Bowser, and that was more to synergize with amiibo. I don’t see anything more than that happening in Skylanders (hell, Nintendo forbade Fox McCloud, Kirby and Peach from appearing for various reasons).

“The last Skylanders game I played, the Skylanders SuperChargers” You mean the most recent? The way you phrased that, you make it sound like the last one you played was an older one. Script?
“I wasn’t impressed” I saw the review, I already know this.
He feels they went the wrong direction. Or maybe you’re suffering franchise fatigue. It’s Activision’s specialty, as shown with Tony Hawk, Guitar Hero, and someday Call of Duty.
He says he liked it when he played the “behind closed doors” demo. Well yeah they were pampering you. One of the many reasons gaming journalism is a fucking joke.
He thought the racing would be separate, but they “force it” onto you. That’s kind of the point, it’s why it’s called SuperChargers, because vehicles are an important aspect. It’s why a lot of the new characters come with vehicles. This is obvious and I haven’t touched the game.
More on how he doesn’t want any innovation and just wants killing enemies. Casual fuck…
“I’m not badmouthing the game” …. Five more minutes.

Says the GF’s kids didn’t like it, says message boards didn’t like it. You keep citing message boards, yet I don’t believe a word of it. What boards do you even read? I doubt you read /v/ or NeoGAF, then you’d actually sound informed.
He says he went back to the first game, and continues on about how he just wants the first game again. Remember Sonic Unleashed? How he said he wanted Sega to “get back to basics”? Then they did  that with Sonic 4 and he said it wasn’t “new or inventive enough” for him? Yeah I get the feeling that would happen if Skylanders 6 is just “back to basics”, he would demand they do something new. I can see through your excessive shit Chris.
“Get rid of the racing” I doubt they’re going to repeat the same gimmick again dumbass. They didn’t repeat the giants, they didn’t repeat the swapping, they barely emphasized the traps for SuperChargers, and I don’t see them using racing again. Maybe you should actually pay attention to the franchise Activision is paying you to shill.
Blah blah blah won’t shut up about gimmicks
“The story was great” He’s referring to the first game. … The most generic kid-friendly story possible. Evil guy tries to take over the world, stop him. I’m not even boiling it down to the barest minimum, that’s essentially the story.
He also wants them to go back to the “fantasy medieval” setting. … The first game had robots! One of them is in the shot! Stop talking out of your ass!
He even acknowledges the robots! This is hurting my head…
And now he’s just showing off his toys. Oh my fucking god just end. We got your point, you want the first game. Well guess what, Activision is actually trying to evolve the series.
He brings up Diablo again. I feel every time he mentions Diablo, a Blizzard employee shudders in horror.
“They’re going in a more cartoon direction” … They’ve always been cartoony. I mean, look at the cast of the first game, they are cartoony as fuck! It’s really weird to hear a grown man wax nostalgic over something that was released when he was already a grown man! The first game didn’t even come out that long ago, 2011.
“Fit more with the theme of Dungeons & Dragons” … You’re dense. Nothing in the first game invokes that. I can’t believe I’m hearing this.
Claims new characters won’t last two days. … They have guns, swords, and all sorts of weapons, and I’m pretty sure the enemies are the same every game. I don’t understand your point.
“The third thing” THERE’S MORE?!
More shit from the first game, the doors that need specific elements. He wants that back, he doesn’t like that everyone can go everywhere. … Do Skylander fans take this guy seriously? Let me know. I … I can’t believe how stupid he’s sounding, and I’m not even a fan of the series.
Somehow he thinks the gimmicks will cause the franchise to peter out. No Chris, you’re stupid. If you don’t like the gimmicks, then fucking give up. Cut off your Activision ties, stop talking about this fucking Skylanders stuff your fans clearly don’t care about, close your stupid side channel that you barely even use.

Holy balls that was a mess. I’m surprised I got so much content of that. I should have covered that sooner! I guess you can consider that an honorary 21st place for the 2015 list. Dumbass man-child hates change, and doesn’t do research. Fuck!

And there’s still the second video. The first video of 2016! Released on January 6th, a Wednesday. I see you’re still giving your “schedule” the middle finger.
So how is he going to start the year? Gravity Falls action figures. … Chris the show is ending soon, don’t make things worse. … I get the feeling he’s going to make things worse.

I just noticed it’s an unboxing. My care levels are even lower.
“The first series of many more” The show’s ending. I doubt it.
*skims through video* Blah, I’m bored. I’m done. I don’t care. Stop making toy videos Chris.

Sorry if I sounded so angry in this post. I just really wish that for once in his life, Chris would do some research. Actually look into the things he’s spending money on. Especially if he claims that money is tight at the moment. I doubt the book sold well enough that you’re free to spend over $300 on plastic crap. Oh and add like $40-50 for the Gravity Falls figures. I doubt he’s even going to make that much on the video itself, his views are still crap.

Any ideas on what’s next? Whining about a classic game? Trying to do “crazy” crap again? Terrible tech review? I know what I’m doing next. Getting a drink.