Saturday, June 25, 2016

Three Videos in a Week and They're NOTHING

I don't think Chris understands what "semi-retirement" means. He put out three videos this week. I figured that "semi" meant he would only do big videos and that smaller videos would no longer happen. LOOKS LIKE I WAS WRONG!

All three videos were shilling some mobile app that nobody cares about. Chris doesn't do the right thing and indicate that these videos were paid endorsements. One of the reasons they all have MOUNTAINS of dislikes.

The first video was about Bejeweled Clone #3129. Throughout the video Chris commented how nothing was original, but still said it was worth checking out. That's the sign of a paid advertisement.
The second video was some tennis game. It has slightly higher views as the thumbnail contains a tennis player with big tits. Not sure if Bores purposely displayed that, or YouTube did.
The third video is about some app/site that's essentially just social media for collectors. Boring.

The fans are hating these videos, so why is he doing them? Well, he left this comment. Thanks to YouTubed for grabbing this image. Seen here.

More fucking filler.
You know Chris, maybe you should look into the world of vlogs. Talk about a movie you saw, or a game you pla- pffft hahaha that's right you don't actually play games. But a TV show you saw, or some stupid ghost shit you want to brag about, something that you actually care for. Though going by your videos, the only thing you seem to care for is collecting things and showing them off. At least going by your 80's videos. Still, you can do better filler than paid shilling.

You do have a job right? One that doesn't involve ghosts?

Friday, June 17, 2016

A Post-E3 App Shill

Another E3 has come and gone. A year of reinvention. Zelda is massively reinventing itself while at the same time going back to its roots. God of War and Resident Evil are seeing major changes. VR is trying to make it in a big way (we'll see). Shitty journalists are channeling the spirit of Jack Thompson's career to demonize the industry because of poor timing (it wasn't the industry's fault some bigoted asshole gunned down over 100 people in Orlando, they can't turn the show off you morons!) But what does Bores have to say about the event? ... NOTHING!

Instead, he posted yet another short video where he shills a phone app. Some dungeon-crawling RPG, I don't care. Dislikes are adding up as this is yet another poor video where he cares more about getting paid than entertaining people. It just gets sadder and sadder...
I love the one comment that's crying about dislikes still existing. Welcome to reality kid, dislikes happen. Not everything is going be universally loved.

We'll probably hear what Chris thought of E3 next week. My predictions? More Skylanders gushing (probably try to act like a Crash Bandicoot fan even though it's clear he knows nothing), bashing Breath of the Wild because it's not gritty like God of War, either praise the fuck out of God of War or pan it because it's "different", bring up how VR is the "way of the future", South Park The Fractured But Whole will be heavily praised, and then some stupid out of nowhere thing similar to Star Wars Kinect. That's my guess at least.

On another note, do not expect Bores to show up on Hardcore Pawn. In fact, do not expect Hardcore Pawn to have new episodes. Though not official, it's likely the show is dead. One of the stars left the shop to start her own eCommerce business at home. Bores probably should have waited for the actual episode to air before bragging about his appearance on his site and in his book. Congratulations Bores, your non-appearance is now immortalized in your dumb book, shattering any credibility you tried to build. Even then I doubt he actually appeared in an episode, he could have just visited the shop and got his picture with Les Gold (the owner). Unlike the Pawn Stars, they probably still do work there.

Friday, June 10, 2016

Ten Boxes of Crap. Who Needs This Pile of Junk?

Sweet, new Kirby game. Can’t wait to… Bores has a new video up? Son of a-

It’s another “Box Wars” video, and this one is much longer. Nearly 9 minutes! Reading the description, he’s going to look at TEN boxes. Are you really paying for all this shit Bores? He has to be getting it for free, nobody would be dumb enough to waste this much money on all this crap.

Jeez, 10 boxes. Let’s get started.

Box #1 is Super Geek Box, which he looked at last time. Theme is heroes.
- Starting with a Captain America plushie, with Bores adding squeaky sounds for no reason.
- A poster of a Slowpoke (Pokemon) & Flash hybrid (Swiftpoke).
- A 1-Up Mushroom arm band that says YOLO, he doesn’t point this out, instead wondering why it’s not in 1Up Box. Because that’s dumb. Just because it’s called “1Up” doesn’t mean everything has to be 1Up.
- A Superman air freshener, which apparently stinks as Bores adds the cartoon-y tugboat sound to indicate a bad smell as he falls over. *rolls eyes*
- A t-shirt of a Legend of Zelda & Adventure Time hybrid (The Legend of Bubblegum). Okay that’s kind of clever.
- Then the “best for last” (as he claims), a Legend of Zelda mouse pad. It looks so flimsy, just like the mouse pads he used to sell. It says “404 Dead Link… Princess Not Found” I get it, I’m not laughing but I get it.

Box #2 is 1Up Box, another one he looked at last time. Theme is RPGs.
- First is a Funko Pop! figure for Sylvanas from World of Warcraft. For some reason, his voice is pitched-down hard when he says her name. Did he dub it in post because he didn’t know how to pronounce it?  Odd editing choice.
- An odd Assassin’s Creed t-shirt where the assassin (fuck if I know which one, they all run together at this point) and an assailant are furry creatures. Also, I thought the theme was RPG? AssCreed isn’t an RPG. Unless that’s not AssCreed. I’m not sure, can someone clarify? I can’t find it on 1UP Box’s site.
- Assassin’s Creed emoji stickers. What the fuck is this? Again, not an RPG. Oh and Bores edits one of them onto his face. Pointless!
- A Viking pin? He held it too close to the camera to get a good look at what it was so I couldn’t read the writing.
- His favorite item “because I like to read” (pfft) is a glow in the dark Fallout bookmark. “Featuring the Fallout 4 guy” He’s called Vault Boy, and he’s been around since the first game. Research? For losers!

Box #3 is ComicBoxer, which apparently has all comic books. That’s kind of interesting actually.
- First item is the Free Comic Book Day copy of Civil War II. Bleh, that is such a cynical cash-in event. I know it’s capitalizing on the new movie, but when that did it sooo much better than the original comic… Not to mention I’ve heard they’re already pointlessly killing off characters.
- Black Panther comic
- Empress by Mark Millar. Ew, don’t be needlessly dark.
- Something called Rough Riders.
- A Star Wars comic featuring Poe Dameron, or just “X-Wing Pilots” as he puts it. Apparently the big fucking name on the cover isn’t important!
- Finally a book called Joyride with an autograph from the artist, which Bores finds “really cool”. It would be cool if I knew the artist. *looks up* Who the hell is Marcus To?
Then it cuts to the “certificate of authenticity” with Bores putting a sepia tone over it and playing some generic rock music. What’s the point of that?

Box #4 is IndieBox. Oh this one, they give out awesome indie games. None of which Bores can play because they’re PC only! Waste of money Bores (if you pay for it).
The focus is on the game Galak-Z: The Dimensional (though Bores leaves out that second part) “It’s packaged like a video game package” What’s a script?
- A USB drive. Little does Bores know is that USB has the whole game on it. That’s how they distribute the game itself. Useful info that I’m willing to look up but Bores isn’t.
- An audio cassette with the game’s music. Odd to put it on such an obsolete format.
- A poster. Bores puts it against his wall. Yeah that is not going to appear in future videos.
- A sticker. Chris you don’t have to say the game’s name every time. We know it’s all focused on Galak-Z. Then he puts it on his head… blah
- A manual
- And a statue. Though he calls it an action figure. It has no articulation, it’s not really an “action” figure.
- There’s also card that give demo codes to various indie titles. None of which Bores will play. This feels like a waste.

Box #5 is the Bam Box. Which Bores really exploits by yelling “BAM” with a bunch of jump cuts. This is going to be an overused joke isn’t it?
- Random boxes will get an “upgraded” item, and he got lucky. This does lend credence to the “got them for free” theory. His big upgrade is a pin of a hybrid of Spider-Man and Charmander. It looks fat.
- Something about virtual reality glasses, it looks stupid.
- Some black ooze with a magnet. I’m not sure what it’s meant to be. He references Magneto for some reason but it doesn’t make sense. Because it’s not Chris Bores without random references that do not belong.
- The One Ring from Lord of the Rings, only it’s in black. Apparently if you want the correct color, it has to be a random upgrade. That’s stupid! This is a stupid box service.
- Stop saying cool!
- Some signed Wolverine artwork, and signed Zoom from the Flash series artwork. Autographed stuff is only good if you know the artist. You don’t tell us the artist, and thus it’s pointless.
Only five to go.

Box #6 is Game Box Monthly, which is all about giving out different games.
- First is Eight-Minute Empire Legends. Ah, it’s going to be shit nobody has heard of. Excellent. He lists the things that make it a tabletop game. Because screw telling us the rules. Then again, this video is stuffed with pointless box shit and… why are you doing this? This is dumb.
- Then a card game called Fisticuffs. “I haven’t played this game yet” Nobody has! Nobody knows what this is. Quit acting like you’re “in”, you’re not “in”, you’re trapped in a safe space bubble.
- Then a bag of rubber bands. I’m sure it’s a game of some kind but Bores is too lazy to do research. Instead he says to “fling them at your principal”. On one hand, at least he’s acknowledging the age of his audience, on the other hand he really shouldn’t be encouraging delinquent behavior. Shame on you.
Not much in this box, seems like a waste. Then again, a lot of these are a waste.

Box #7 is LootCrate, the big fan favorite. The theme is power (which Bores has to say in an attempted booming voice)
- First is Funko Pop! competitor called Q-Fig, this one for the Hulk. Hard to see through the box…
- A Dragon Ball plush toy of the four-star ball wrapped by Shenron. Bores adds pointless squeaking noises again. Plushies do not make those noises! Unless you add them, but I doubt they did.
- A Warcraft movie t-shirt.
- And an Infinity Gauntlet oven mitt. Prompting Bores to give a really awkward looking “evil laugh”. His jaw just juts to the side like someone punched him. It’s really off-putting.
I swear LootCrate had more than this…

Box #8 (oh my god it’s still going) is Lootaku. Which he mispronounces hard. It rhymes with otaku! Though I doubt Bores knows that word.
- First is an Ultron bobble head. Hm, I would think something that rhymes with otaku would be anime stuff. I do know there’s a service that specializes in anime stuff.
- An Infinity Gauntlet coffee mug. What’s with all the Infinity Gauntlet stuff? Avengers 3 isn’t for another two years.
- A random Marvel keychain, he got Gray Deadpool (that’s a thing?) but sees it’s not on the back of the package, and he believes he got a rare one. Then it prompts a sepia overlay while a choir sings and CLOSE YOUR MOUTH! Seriously what is that expression? I could see flies going in there.
- A Rocket Raccoon plushie. Thankfully no pointless squeaking sounds.
- Finally a Captain America Civil War bobble head. He hopes he gets Iron Man *rolls eyes* but he gets Hawkeye, and then a cow moos. What? Is that meant to be disappointment? Where is the sense? Also, Hawkeye is awesome, what do you know?

Box #9 is ZBox. It’s heavy…
- First is a Funko Pop! figure for the Winter Soldier.
- The Rocket Raccoon Disney Infinity figure. How pointless, now that the series is dead. Not going to comment on that Chris?
- A “Visit Asgard” t-shirt. Chris also tries to say “origin” again and butchers it. Is that really an accent thing?
- A Marvel bag tag. He wants Silver Surfer, but gets the Hulk instead. This causes him to “roar” and he puts the Hulk’s head over his. Will you stop with this crap?
- Finally the Spider-Man Character Encyclopedia from DK Children. A massive book I saw at a recent book fair. That’s a surprisingly good item.

 The 10th and FINAL box (thank fuck) is Comic Pop, who apparently couldn’t bother to make a custom box to ship their crap.
- First is a Harry Potter Gryffindor shirt.
- Then a Lord of the Rings magnet. I can barely read what it says. Instead of reading it to us, we get a dumb gag where the magnet somehow attracts to his brain.
- A Funko Pop! pencil topper (they make those) of Voldemort.
- Marvel magnets.
- A random keychain of a Disney villain. He gets… and I swear this is what he says, “Evil Kitty from the Evil Kitty Disney movie”. Chris… that’s Lucifer from Cinderella. What the hell is the Evil Kitty movie? You couldn’t take five minutes to look this up? This incompetence is why you barely have fans. Why your audience isn’t the same. Why nobody respects you.
- A Funko Dorbz figure (different from Pop!) of Jack Skellington. He looks nothing like him but whatever we’re near the end.
- Finally a Slytherin (Harry Potter) drinking up. He sucks on the straw and somehow gets brain freeze… What? There was clearly nothing in there! Why not make a Harry Potter joke like you just drank Polyjuice Potion and you transform? No fuck that, he would ruin it.

It’s finally ov-, oh wait the rating.

Fourth place (changing it up already) is Lootaku. Reasons? NONE GIVEN! FUCK EFFORT!
Third is Comic Pop. Again, no reasons.
Second is LootCrate
First is Bam Box, which I’m pretty sure he only picked so he can do the stupid “BAM” jump cut gag. Can I hit him?

Now he’s rating the shirts.
Third is the Harry Potter Gryffindor shirt from Comic Pop
Second is Super Geek Box’s Zelda/Adventure Time hybrid
First is ZBox’s Visit Asgard.

Onto items, jeez it just keeps going and going.
Honorable mentions to the Slytherin cup and the DBZ plushie. By the way, he squeezes it and doesn’t make a sound. Why the pointless added sounds Bores? Why do you want to deceive your audience? If you say “humor”, then where’s the joke?
Third place is Super Geek Box’s Legend of Zelda mouse pad. Holy shit that’s flimsy, it looks like it could tear in half any second.
Second is Bam Box’s One Ring necklace. Why? It’s not even the right color. It’s black, not gold.
Best item overall is LootCrate’s Infinity Gauntlet oven mitt. Taking a quick peek in the comments (hurts to do that), apparently the mitt is poorly made and can burn you. Should have tested it out before declaring it the winner!

No worst item? Even though sooooo much of this is crap? No taste detected.
Oh and of course it’s a contest. Fuck this.

This was dumb. He got so much wrong, the jokes that were there were terrible, this is a pointless series. If these companies are providing the boxes for free, why? Do they not know of Chris’ reputation? Why would anyone want to do deals with him? If he spend his own money on the boxes, then he’s a giant moron for buying all this crap. The only reason this is “popular” is that he’s giving away free stuff. Take that component away and nobody would care. Why do people want most of this stuff anyway?

Anyway, new Kirby game. Giant robots, let’s go.

Monday, June 6, 2016

Chew On This Idiotic Video About Gum and Comics

Oh wow, a new 80’s video. I thought that series was dead. When was the last one? *checks* Nearly 15 months ago, holy crap. How do his fans tolerate this?

The subject of the video is Bazooka Joe and Bazooka chewing gum. Really? That seems like a boring topic to cover. It’s not really an 80’s thing either, it’s been around since the late 40’s. There’s like a thousand other 80’s topics you could have covered but nope, FOOOOOOOOOOOD! If you can call bubble gum “food”.

Onto the video

*looks at title* Oh piss off. He calls it a “documentary”. Quit calling your videos documentaries, they’re poorly made with little information. Just because you binged the documentary section of Netflix once doesn’t mean you know how they work.
The bright side is that the video is short, only 4:46.

0:00 - 0:38: Starting right off the bat, no intro.
Oh wait, there’s the intro, ten seconds in. I guess he was trying to do a cold opening.
“This small candy has been around for almost 80 years” Incorrect! Bazooka was first introduced in 1947, that’s 69 years. The correct line would have been “almost 70 years”. Basic research Chris, come on.

He talks about some of the early comics featured in the wrapper prior to Joe, lists a few off ending on “Doc Sorebones”. This leads into our first stupid pointless sketch. Bores plays the doctor and a patient, and he does the really old and stupid “Doc it hurts when I do this” “Then don’t do it” gag. Not even the 12 year olds watching would find that funny Chris.

0:39 - 1:11: In “the 1950’s” (specifically 1953 because Bores is too lazy to list specific years, yeah such a goooood documentary) they bring in Bazooka Joe. He says they named him after the company’s president’s son. WRONG! He was named in a contest. This information is public, how are you getting so much wrong? You can see an ad promoting the contest here.
Mentions how they gave him an eye patch, prompting him to animate Joe’s mouth and say “Arr mateys”. Not even a minute in…
After a pointless mention of the Little Rascals, he lists some of the other characters in the comic. Ending on Mort, a character always wearing a turtle neck over his mouth. IG says it reminds him of someone and we get a pointless cameo from Not-Wilson. I refuse to use his made-up OC name Chris. He’s not an original character!

1:12 - 1:46: He brings up cartoonist Wesley Morse, who I’m sure looks absolutely nothing like what Chris is wearing in this scene. *searches* Yep, short hair, no facial hair and no glasses. Where Chris’ costume has long hair, glasses, and a mustache. You really couldn’t look this up? It’s like you tried to look nothing like him.

Is he seriously explaining how a gag comic works? How stupid do you think we are?
“… leading up to a cheesy gag at the end” And you know all about cheesy gags you hack.
Then we see Chris reenacting a standard Bazooka Joe comic. Yes he plays both characters because fuck other people.
He mentions how the comics would also come with a fortune, leading to a dumb bit where he edits one to say “Help! I’m a prisoner in a bubble gum factory!” Causing a forced “shocked” reaction from IG and then he tells his men to suit up, his men being … the old man from Legend of Zelda, Great Tiger from Punch-Out, and Bomberman. What does any of this have to do with anything?! Then he tells Bomberman to get his best bombs and he takes one out but then the Zelda “Got an Item” jingle plays. You’re doing this crap on purpose aren’t you? Quit putting the Zelda jingle where it doesn’t belong!
Wait, is Bomberman going to be his next video? Oh no…
I’m sorry, how is this a documentary again? What do those games have to do with Bazooka bubble gum?

1:47 - 2:26: Morse continued the comic until his death in 1963. Which Chris reenacts by pretending to have a heart attack. Classy.
They used what was left and reused them for years. Then he brings up that they made a Bazooka Joe View Master reel. Leading to Chris looking at it through a View Master, it ends with Joe falling off a tight rope and then he somehow falls on IG. Holy fuck this is so dumb. What’s the point? Where’s the joke?
Why the electric transition? So random.
“By the time the 1980’s rolled around, I myself first stumbled onto the cool candy” Well duh you first found it in the 80’s. You were born in 1978, you didn’t even have teeth until the 80’s. Also, “cool” is not a word I would use to describe Bazooka gum. Oh and he pretends to be a “kid” again with his lame backwards baseball cap “costume”.

2:26 - 3:17: The comic got revamped from the era, and had a new cast of characters. No don’t say their names Chris, that would require actual research and work. Just give their titles. Zero effort is best effort!
He mentions they’re numbered now so you can “trade with friends” (yes I’m sure you did that) and a dumb bit where Kid Bores yells about a comic he didn’t have. Pointless.
Then he mentions other Bazooka products like gum balls, an activity pad, … Maxi Pads. God damn it Chris who are you trying to appeal to? Kids won’t get that! Adults would find it tasteless and unfunny! Who do you want your audience to be!
He lists the different flavors, then mentions that they had giveaways if you sent in enough UPCs. Lists some of them, ending on a pillow. Which has a Care Bear on it? Oh it’s a dumb gag as IG appears in the corner and tells him to get off. And apparently IG shrunk as he’s now the same size as the pillow, and it’s a small pillow going by the hand that put it down. What is happening? Why is the perspective so horrible? Did you even try Chris? Oh right, of course not. Zero effort.

3:17 - 4:07: He then brings up the 90’s revamp and says it shows how “scary“ the 90‘s were. The annoying 90’s kids are going to eat you alive for that. “Funky hairdos” Which totally never happened in the 80’s. Isn’t that right Flock of Seagulls front man Mike Score? “Crazy shades” Again, how is that only a 90’s thing? Shades were big in the 80’s too. Someone’s bias is showing. “And DJ Jazzy Jeff” Another pointless reference. You’re not getting a job on Family Guy Chris, just cut it out.
More revamps, “straying from the roots”. Then they released a new “box” with the original cast, but it didn’t have comics in it. No mention on how the comics were discontinued in 2012? That seems like an important thing to bring up.

Onto the rating.
He used to buy them for 3 cents (my how times have changed) and how everyone he knew went crazy over the new flavors (riiiiiiight…). He says he hated what they did in the 90’s because it’s a “nostalgic misstep” … What the fuck does that mean? What? I can’t figure it out. Despite that, he gives it an “Overload”. You have a terrible rating system if all you have is “Overload” and “Mediocre”.
Then it ends on a dumb scene with Phanto from Super Mario Bros. 2. What does that have to do with anything?! Did you forget which series you were working on?

Good lord this was so dumb. The short length did not save it. Along with all the awful sketches, this had some severe research failure. Honestly, I kind of thought he was doing better, but nope he’s back to old habits of pulling facts out of his ass. Where did he even get “president’s son” from?
Why the video game stuff? Why is everything so cheap looking? I know it’s an internet series but this is cheap even by those standards. Chris, do yourself a favor and watch other videos. You will realize just how far behind you are from everyone else.

Over on Twitter, my informant noticed that Chris has been trying to get Bazooka Joe to trend, as well as push it to certain channels. Here are the Tweetsaves for prosperity.

The “nostalgia lives” message is weird. But man the desperation is real. It’s not going to happen Chris. Not unless you yourself improve. Frankly I don’t see Topps approving of the heart attack “joke” or all the wrong information.

On another note, someone asked Bores about the new Ghostbusters and if he‘s going to make a video about it. He told him “maybe soon” and that he saw an article that inspired him. … How? Don’t you have your own opinion? I hope this alleged video doesn’t side with the idiots calling James Rolfe a sexist or misogynist even though he barely said anything about the cast being female. That was such a sad shit show, is this really the movie hill you people want to die on?

That’s all for now.