Friday, June 10, 2016

Ten Boxes of Crap. Who Needs This Pile of Junk?

Sweet, new Kirby game. Can’t wait to… Bores has a new video up? Son of a-

It’s another “Box Wars” video, and this one is much longer. Nearly 9 minutes! Reading the description, he’s going to look at TEN boxes. Are you really paying for all this shit Bores? He has to be getting it for free, nobody would be dumb enough to waste this much money on all this crap.

Jeez, 10 boxes. Let’s get started.

Box #1 is Super Geek Box, which he looked at last time. Theme is heroes.
- Starting with a Captain America plushie, with Bores adding squeaky sounds for no reason.
- A poster of a Slowpoke (Pokemon) & Flash hybrid (Swiftpoke).
- A 1-Up Mushroom arm band that says YOLO, he doesn’t point this out, instead wondering why it’s not in 1Up Box. Because that’s dumb. Just because it’s called “1Up” doesn’t mean everything has to be 1Up.
- A Superman air freshener, which apparently stinks as Bores adds the cartoon-y tugboat sound to indicate a bad smell as he falls over. *rolls eyes*
- A t-shirt of a Legend of Zelda & Adventure Time hybrid (The Legend of Bubblegum). Okay that’s kind of clever.
- Then the “best for last” (as he claims), a Legend of Zelda mouse pad. It looks so flimsy, just like the mouse pads he used to sell. It says “404 Dead Link… Princess Not Found” I get it, I’m not laughing but I get it.

Box #2 is 1Up Box, another one he looked at last time. Theme is RPGs.
- First is a Funko Pop! figure for Sylvanas from World of Warcraft. For some reason, his voice is pitched-down hard when he says her name. Did he dub it in post because he didn’t know how to pronounce it?  Odd editing choice.
- An odd Assassin’s Creed t-shirt where the assassin (fuck if I know which one, they all run together at this point) and an assailant are furry creatures. Also, I thought the theme was RPG? AssCreed isn’t an RPG. Unless that’s not AssCreed. I’m not sure, can someone clarify? I can’t find it on 1UP Box’s site.
- Assassin’s Creed emoji stickers. What the fuck is this? Again, not an RPG. Oh and Bores edits one of them onto his face. Pointless!
- A Viking pin? He held it too close to the camera to get a good look at what it was so I couldn’t read the writing.
- His favorite item “because I like to read” (pfft) is a glow in the dark Fallout bookmark. “Featuring the Fallout 4 guy” He’s called Vault Boy, and he’s been around since the first game. Research? For losers!

Box #3 is ComicBoxer, which apparently has all comic books. That’s kind of interesting actually.
- First item is the Free Comic Book Day copy of Civil War II. Bleh, that is such a cynical cash-in event. I know it’s capitalizing on the new movie, but when that did it sooo much better than the original comic… Not to mention I’ve heard they’re already pointlessly killing off characters.
- Black Panther comic
- Empress by Mark Millar. Ew, don’t be needlessly dark.
- Something called Rough Riders.
- A Star Wars comic featuring Poe Dameron, or just “X-Wing Pilots” as he puts it. Apparently the big fucking name on the cover isn’t important!
- Finally a book called Joyride with an autograph from the artist, which Bores finds “really cool”. It would be cool if I knew the artist. *looks up* Who the hell is Marcus To?
Then it cuts to the “certificate of authenticity” with Bores putting a sepia tone over it and playing some generic rock music. What’s the point of that?

Box #4 is IndieBox. Oh this one, they give out awesome indie games. None of which Bores can play because they’re PC only! Waste of money Bores (if you pay for it).
The focus is on the game Galak-Z: The Dimensional (though Bores leaves out that second part) “It’s packaged like a video game package” What’s a script?
- A USB drive. Little does Bores know is that USB has the whole game on it. That’s how they distribute the game itself. Useful info that I’m willing to look up but Bores isn’t.
- An audio cassette with the game’s music. Odd to put it on such an obsolete format.
- A poster. Bores puts it against his wall. Yeah that is not going to appear in future videos.
- A sticker. Chris you don’t have to say the game’s name every time. We know it’s all focused on Galak-Z. Then he puts it on his head… blah
- A manual
- And a statue. Though he calls it an action figure. It has no articulation, it’s not really an “action” figure.
- There’s also card that give demo codes to various indie titles. None of which Bores will play. This feels like a waste.

Box #5 is the Bam Box. Which Bores really exploits by yelling “BAM” with a bunch of jump cuts. This is going to be an overused joke isn’t it?
- Random boxes will get an “upgraded” item, and he got lucky. This does lend credence to the “got them for free” theory. His big upgrade is a pin of a hybrid of Spider-Man and Charmander. It looks fat.
- Something about virtual reality glasses, it looks stupid.
- Some black ooze with a magnet. I’m not sure what it’s meant to be. He references Magneto for some reason but it doesn’t make sense. Because it’s not Chris Bores without random references that do not belong.
- The One Ring from Lord of the Rings, only it’s in black. Apparently if you want the correct color, it has to be a random upgrade. That’s stupid! This is a stupid box service.
- Stop saying cool!
- Some signed Wolverine artwork, and signed Zoom from the Flash series artwork. Autographed stuff is only good if you know the artist. You don’t tell us the artist, and thus it’s pointless.
Only five to go.

Box #6 is Game Box Monthly, which is all about giving out different games.
- First is Eight-Minute Empire Legends. Ah, it’s going to be shit nobody has heard of. Excellent. He lists the things that make it a tabletop game. Because screw telling us the rules. Then again, this video is stuffed with pointless box shit and… why are you doing this? This is dumb.
- Then a card game called Fisticuffs. “I haven’t played this game yet” Nobody has! Nobody knows what this is. Quit acting like you’re “in”, you’re not “in”, you’re trapped in a safe space bubble.
- Then a bag of rubber bands. I’m sure it’s a game of some kind but Bores is too lazy to do research. Instead he says to “fling them at your principal”. On one hand, at least he’s acknowledging the age of his audience, on the other hand he really shouldn’t be encouraging delinquent behavior. Shame on you.
Not much in this box, seems like a waste. Then again, a lot of these are a waste.

Box #7 is LootCrate, the big fan favorite. The theme is power (which Bores has to say in an attempted booming voice)
- First is Funko Pop! competitor called Q-Fig, this one for the Hulk. Hard to see through the box…
- A Dragon Ball plush toy of the four-star ball wrapped by Shenron. Bores adds pointless squeaking noises again. Plushies do not make those noises! Unless you add them, but I doubt they did.
- A Warcraft movie t-shirt.
- And an Infinity Gauntlet oven mitt. Prompting Bores to give a really awkward looking “evil laugh”. His jaw just juts to the side like someone punched him. It’s really off-putting.
I swear LootCrate had more than this…

Box #8 (oh my god it’s still going) is Lootaku. Which he mispronounces hard. It rhymes with otaku! Though I doubt Bores knows that word.
- First is an Ultron bobble head. Hm, I would think something that rhymes with otaku would be anime stuff. I do know there’s a service that specializes in anime stuff.
- An Infinity Gauntlet coffee mug. What’s with all the Infinity Gauntlet stuff? Avengers 3 isn’t for another two years.
- A random Marvel keychain, he got Gray Deadpool (that’s a thing?) but sees it’s not on the back of the package, and he believes he got a rare one. Then it prompts a sepia overlay while a choir sings and CLOSE YOUR MOUTH! Seriously what is that expression? I could see flies going in there.
- A Rocket Raccoon plushie. Thankfully no pointless squeaking sounds.
- Finally a Captain America Civil War bobble head. He hopes he gets Iron Man *rolls eyes* but he gets Hawkeye, and then a cow moos. What? Is that meant to be disappointment? Where is the sense? Also, Hawkeye is awesome, what do you know?

Box #9 is ZBox. It’s heavy…
- First is a Funko Pop! figure for the Winter Soldier.
- The Rocket Raccoon Disney Infinity figure. How pointless, now that the series is dead. Not going to comment on that Chris?
- A “Visit Asgard” t-shirt. Chris also tries to say “origin” again and butchers it. Is that really an accent thing?
- A Marvel bag tag. He wants Silver Surfer, but gets the Hulk instead. This causes him to “roar” and he puts the Hulk’s head over his. Will you stop with this crap?
- Finally the Spider-Man Character Encyclopedia from DK Children. A massive book I saw at a recent book fair. That’s a surprisingly good item.

 The 10th and FINAL box (thank fuck) is Comic Pop, who apparently couldn’t bother to make a custom box to ship their crap.
- First is a Harry Potter Gryffindor shirt.
- Then a Lord of the Rings magnet. I can barely read what it says. Instead of reading it to us, we get a dumb gag where the magnet somehow attracts to his brain.
- A Funko Pop! pencil topper (they make those) of Voldemort.
- Marvel magnets.
- A random keychain of a Disney villain. He gets… and I swear this is what he says, “Evil Kitty from the Evil Kitty Disney movie”. Chris… that’s Lucifer from Cinderella. What the hell is the Evil Kitty movie? You couldn’t take five minutes to look this up? This incompetence is why you barely have fans. Why your audience isn’t the same. Why nobody respects you.
- A Funko Dorbz figure (different from Pop!) of Jack Skellington. He looks nothing like him but whatever we’re near the end.
- Finally a Slytherin (Harry Potter) drinking up. He sucks on the straw and somehow gets brain freeze… What? There was clearly nothing in there! Why not make a Harry Potter joke like you just drank Polyjuice Potion and you transform? No fuck that, he would ruin it.

It’s finally ov-, oh wait the rating.

Fourth place (changing it up already) is Lootaku. Reasons? NONE GIVEN! FUCK EFFORT!
Third is Comic Pop. Again, no reasons.
Second is LootCrate
First is Bam Box, which I’m pretty sure he only picked so he can do the stupid “BAM” jump cut gag. Can I hit him?

Now he’s rating the shirts.
Third is the Harry Potter Gryffindor shirt from Comic Pop
Second is Super Geek Box’s Zelda/Adventure Time hybrid
First is ZBox’s Visit Asgard.

Onto items, jeez it just keeps going and going.
Honorable mentions to the Slytherin cup and the DBZ plushie. By the way, he squeezes it and doesn’t make a sound. Why the pointless added sounds Bores? Why do you want to deceive your audience? If you say “humor”, then where’s the joke?
Third place is Super Geek Box’s Legend of Zelda mouse pad. Holy shit that’s flimsy, it looks like it could tear in half any second.
Second is Bam Box’s One Ring necklace. Why? It’s not even the right color. It’s black, not gold.
Best item overall is LootCrate’s Infinity Gauntlet oven mitt. Taking a quick peek in the comments (hurts to do that), apparently the mitt is poorly made and can burn you. Should have tested it out before declaring it the winner!

No worst item? Even though sooooo much of this is crap? No taste detected.
Oh and of course it’s a contest. Fuck this.

This was dumb. He got so much wrong, the jokes that were there were terrible, this is a pointless series. If these companies are providing the boxes for free, why? Do they not know of Chris’ reputation? Why would anyone want to do deals with him? If he spend his own money on the boxes, then he’s a giant moron for buying all this crap. The only reason this is “popular” is that he’s giving away free stuff. Take that component away and nobody would care. Why do people want most of this stuff anyway?

Anyway, new Kirby game. Giant robots, let’s go.

90 comments:

  1. Not even 1 minute per box. And he didn't even attempt the (probably shitty) game on that USB drive. Why does he even bother anymore?

    And speaking of stuff that rhymes with "otaku", Kotaku's parent company just filed for Chapter 11:

    http://www.wired.com/2016/06/gawker-files-bankruptcy-thiels-legal-war-rages/

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Actually, Galak-Z: The Dimensional doesn't look too bad. A fun looking shoot-em-up.

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    2. I haven't subscribed to IndieBox yet, but apparently their standards for accepting games is very high.

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    3. I myself own Galak Z and it's actually pretty tight. A shame how it ascribes to the same problem that Freedom Planet does--that is, the true finale to the game is to be implemented at a much later date.

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  2. If the oven mitt is poorly made, it makes me wonder about the quality of the rest of the items. Also, I think the "Evil Kitty Disney Movie" was an attempt at a joke. But we all know how good Chris is at writing jokes.

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    1. Athens looks into that and his glove seemed to work alright.

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  3. His enthusiasm felt very fake, like he's trying to convince himself or someone else that these boxes really are great/interesting... which I'm sure they are for people that like them, so why not just be truthful?

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  4. That one Viking kind of looked like the Dragonborn from Skyrim. If it really was that, Bores once again shows that he knows fuck all about games.

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  5. Seriously, does he even know what a review is nowadays?

    Anyway, anyone else enjoying Kirby as well? It was well worth the wait!
    ^-^

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    Replies
    1. I picked the game up earlier today and I'm loving it so far. The robot suits are an interesting concept and they're utilized very well, just like the Hypernova ability from Triple Deluxe. (However, I think it would have been nice if this game had come out back in April, like it did for Japan and South Korea. Even May would have nice.)
      In addition, Nintendo released a Planet Robobot-based Home Menu theme today to mark the occasion of the game's release. It looks really nice and the accompanying music is also very good.

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    2. Yeah I just bought it and it is a lot of fun. THIS IS THE KIRBY THAT WILL PIERCE THE HEAVENS!!!

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  6. At least this is better than his Skylanders reviews.

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  7. Athens still does this better, and not almost a month after they all came out, either!

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SSlTNW1_mrc

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  8. Wait is that Comic Pop box made by the same guys that do Back Issues on YouTube?
    I say because I refuse to look on Bore's YouTube Page

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    1. No, different "Comic Pop". I checked and the logos are different.

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    2. Ah OK. Cause those guys are awesome

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  9. Also Grey Deadpool was his costume from his time on XForce

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    1. And Deadpool also wears a blue and yellow suit when he was a member of the X-Men.

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  10. 10 boxes on June 10.

    But... 10 boxes, really ?! I think I would rather watch Ashens unboxing Loot Crate. It's just one box, but it sure is infinitely more entertaining.

    And another thing I wonder: If Chris is subscribed to so many of these box-loot subscriptions, does that mean that he is actually well-off? I thought he was like "money is tight".

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    1. People are speculating he got them for free, but I have my doubts. Maybe LootCrate does deals with big YouTube channels, but all those other ones? I don't believe it.

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    2. he could also be using coupon codes. Some podcasts I listen to have offers for a certain % off, sometimes free for the next couple months, etc.

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  11. That black ooze with a magnet that came in the Bam box is magnetic slime. And that's it. It's just magnetic slime that's not associated with anything so I don't know why Bores made that pointless Magneto reference.

    Also, I could be wrong but that exclusive viking pin could be Dovahkiin from Skyrim but it just says "Exclusive Viking Pin" and no mention of what the viking is supposed to do from. Weird.

    And yeah, the Civil War comics were terrible, especially since Iron Man is portray as a massive douche throughout the entire series. The movie ironically does so much better than the source material.

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    1. Guess that's why Captain America's win quote against Iron Man in MVC3 was "And that was for Civil War".
      ^-^

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    2. Magnetic slime, how pointless.

      If it was the Dovahkiin logo, then at least that matches the RPG theme they're going for. But really it's hard to tell with Chris not putting the pin in good focus.

      @Ixey5
      That and Cap is killed off at the end. Not by Iron Man, but a brainwashed Sharon Carter.

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  12. I just realized... that video Boring Man did reminded me A LOT of the infamous 3-in-1 and Video Game Roundup videos, where he tries to cram so much crap in so little time, with no effort put into it at all.

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  13. Does anybody else subscribe to these box services? I never really understood how the box service thing became huge. Sure it's free stuff and it relates to pop culture, but it seems like the items are either tacky or just look like junk.

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    1. And it feels like half of all the items are just Marvel merchandise.

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    2. It's random each month. I was subscribed to Lootcrate for a couple of months and it really is just a few knicknacks from time to time. There's times though where you can get REALLY cool stuff, though. A bit frivolous, actually.

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    3. Yeah, it seems that most (maybe all) of the stuff from these would quickly wind up in a garage sale pretty quickly.
      I have been tempted to subscribe to Indie Box, because I love games and still do kind of like physical media. However, the convenience and constant sales from Steam and GOG are effectively converting me to digital-only.

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    4. The of course there is bleeping inflatable bleeping crowns!

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  14. More pointless crap that nobody (except his fantards of course) will care. What else is new?

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  15. I wonder if this box wars junk will replace the Skylanders videos. Do y'all think that would be better or worse?

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    1. He hasn't posted anything Skylanders related in three months and with the toys-to-life games dying, I think so.

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  16. RIP Janet Waldo.

    http://abc7.com/entertainment/voice-of-judy-jetson-janet-waldo-dies-at-age-96/1383083/

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    1. Sigh, rest in peace... It's sad, really. Too many people died this year.

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    2. Why so many famous people have to die this year!? Seriously, this is awful.

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    3. That's a shame. We've lost a lot of good folk and the year is barely half-over.

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  17. E3 is this week. I reckon he's not going again this year.

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    1. I guess not. Goes to show that Gotgame really have learnt their lesson by not sending him there anymore. Especially since he doesn't care about covering other games shown at the event besides Skylanders.

      Speaking of E3, I can't wait for God of War (Welcome back Kratos. We miss you.), ReCore, Titanfall 2, Battlefield 1 (This game is totally going to rip apart COD: Infinite Warfare), Resident Evil VII (Please don't fail us again), Horizon Zero Dawn, Death Stranding (Welcome back Kojima) and Dishonored 2.

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    2. I'm looking forward to The Last Guardian, the Telltale Batman series, Zelda U, Pokémon Sun and Moon, and the NX. I wholly expect Boring Man to gloss over all of these in favor of dozens of masturbatory videos on Skylanders Imaginators.

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    3. @Sovereign64 The Resident Evil VII trailer is the one that I'm very excited for. This is what RE should be, a survival horror.

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    4. According to one of Bores' fairly recent Fb posts, he isn't going to E3 this year (and didn't go last year) because it is dying.

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    5. @Raihan I love the trailer too! I really hope RE will finally go back to its survival horror roots.

      @StevenPR-92 Oh right! The Last Guardian! I look forward to that too! As well as Persona 5 and Final Fantasy XV.

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    6. So the truth of the matter is he's not going because he isn't getting a free trip out of it.

      He just happens to have an easy excuse.

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  18. Ugh, I can't believe that Crash is going to be in Skylanders Imaginators. First Spyro gets screwed over by Activision, now Crash is going to get what life he has left drained by Bobby Kotick's greed? Plus, the redesign looks like garbage. This is NOT how I was hoping Crash's 20th anniversary would go. Least I can still get my favorite PS1 game, Crash Bandicoot Warped on PSN. I can imagine Chris won't care either way.

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    1. Didn't you hear they're remaking the original trilogy with the help of Sony? Crash isn't truly ruined, the Skylanders thing seems to just be a guest appearance.

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    2. like bowser and donkey kong are guest characters for the nintendo console versions for superchargers

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    3. like bowser and donkey kong are guest characters for the nintendo console versions for superchargers

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    4. @Realshow. Shit, must have missed it. Guess I was too busy geeking out over The Last Guardian. Still, I hope they don't screw it up and it really is just a guest appearance. I honestly don't want to see Crash go down the same road of toys-to-life Hell Spyro has. Also, I still don't give a damn about Infinite Warfare, not with ReCore on the horizon (to say nothing of Pokémon Sun and Moon a couple weeks later).

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    5. OK, the redesign for the remasters doesn't look that bad; compared to how ugly his design in Skylanders looks. If anything; I'll be fine if they play like I remember (like the HD reversionings of the Ratchet and Clank and Jak games), but I anticipate more videos of Chris and his plastic fetish later this year; if not sooner.

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  19. So, new Jontron review. Bootleg Disney Games.

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    1. One thing I really like about recent JonTron videos are the title cards. I really like all the detail put into them.

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    2. Looks like it should be a fun video. Definitely enjoy how Jon sends up the idea of reviewing video games for a living. Also, that game over screen of that KO Lion King game is truly morbid even as someone who could never get past the Elephant Graveyard stage in the actual game (usually used a level select code to bypass it).

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    3. Also, Jon did a better job unboxing the "Power" LootCrate than Chris did. Good antidote to all those horrifying KO Frozen browser games (I just hope that website doesn't get any ideas for Zootopia).

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    4. You say that forgetting that this is the internet. As you type that there is probably already a dozen of those already on the site.

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    5. Yeah, Sturgeon's law is definitely in effect in that case. I can only imagine what they'll do to Moana when you put it like that.

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    6. One can imagine the horror from the games with Judy Hopps inside.

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  20. Still no word on the next season of Hardcore Pawn. Doesn't look like it will be continuing. Honestly, it would actually be kind of odd if the next season did come out since Chris made the announcement a year and a half ago.

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    1. It's a shame. It would have been hilarious seeing Chris get bitched out by the fat daughter and get kicked out by the huge black dude. I'm guessing the reality wasn't that interesting though.

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    2. Yeah, it's highly likely it's been canceled; since there's a noticeable lack of talk about more episodes, let alone Boring Man's appearance.

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    3. After doing some research (i.e. spending 30 seconds looking through Google News) I found this old letters-to-the-editor column. It's from way back in November, but it all but confirms the show's been canned:

      http://communityvoices.post-gazette.com/arts-entertainment-living/tuned-in/item/39702-tv-q-a-once-upon-a-time-hardcore-pawn-and-the-returned

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    4. Although the columnist says it's because truTV is "changing direction", I also found that Ashley (the fat daughter) quit the pawn shop to run her own e-commerce business from home. I wonder if that played into it as well.

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    5. Maybe they cancelled the show when they found out Bores was gonna be on it.

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    6. Ashley was a disaster. There were many incidents where even Les and the son sided with the customer.

      I can imagine Bores going in dressed up as Lady Buggin trying to buy some Atari console

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    7. Bores really jumped the gun on that. He bragged about it on his site and in his book even though the episode hadn't aired. Considering all the news surrounding the show, it's likely not going to air at all. Now his non-appearance is immortalized in his book and it will only make him look less credible (more than usual)

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  21. So, the new God of War game coming out is a remake. I'm fucking done.

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    1. Maybe it's just me, but if there's GoW 4, I would like a feature where you can fight with (not against) other characters.

      I know Kratos fights alone, but getting an extra help won't be that bad.

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    2. Wait, I thought it was a reboot.

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    3. reboot. remake. reimagining. blaaaaaaah

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    4. Well it's a soft reboot but they confirm it takes place many years after the end of God of War 3.

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    5. So wait, is it still the same Kratos in the same universe then, or not?

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    6. How is it a reboot when it does continue the story? That makes no sense

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    7. Well, I heard it was a different Kratos and the story this time takes place in Ancient Norse instead of Greece.

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    8. https://www.engadget.com/2016/06/16/god-of-war-cory-barlog-reinvention/

      Here's an article of it. It's confirmed by the developer that it's the same Kratos from the original God of War trilogy.

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    9. Well, then that's worse, because that means that they've butchered his character judging from the trailer.

      Delete
  22. So, anyone see the trailer for Paper Mario Color Splash yet? Looks like it should be a fun game; and I find the Paper Mario series to be a very underrated segment of the Mario canon.

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    1. Did you see the like/dislike bar for that trailer?

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    2. Probably fanboys of TTYD. Quite honestly, I liked Sticker Star and wonder what Color Splash will offer!
      ^-^

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    3. The Paper Mario fanbase used to be so peaceful, but those reactions to Color Splash definitely ruined it. I am not going to let all the negativity from the TTYD fanboys affect my opinion of the game. Also, if you like story, I can't recommend Super Paper Mario's surprisingly deep and dark plot enough.

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    4. Yeah, even when a Mario game tries a concept like that; I try not to worry about what other people think and keep an open mind until I play it myself. I'm definitely not going into Color Splash with the same expectations as TTYD; and just treating it like its own thing.

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    5. Let's not group people who dislike the new game together with TTYD fanboys as if they are one and the same.

      I like TTYD the most out of the Paper Mario games, but I'm willing to let the series experiment. Super Paper Mario was alright. I dislike Color Splash because it looks to be exactly the same as Sticker Star, which I personally hated because it had so many game flaws I couldn't overlook.

      I think the reason for the hate against Color Splash is justified: Sticker Star was received negatively by fans and they are making basically the same game again.

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    6. Yeah, I heard a lot of people weren't happy about that; though I haven't played Sticker Star yet and don't know if I'll feel the same way. I don't go into most games expecting I'll dislike them; but I do at least display some reservations when I have to. I probably won't buy Color Splash on launch day; but I'll wait to see what other people think when it actually comes out and not worry about what other people think about the early promotion.

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  23. new video

    another phone app

    guess he's back to his *old* ways again

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  24. Irate Gamer? More like Loot Crate Gamer! Am I right, guys?

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