Sweet, new Kirby game. Can’t wait to… Bores has a new video up? Son of a-
It’s another “Box Wars” video, and this one is much longer. Nearly 9 minutes! Reading the description, he’s going to look at TEN boxes. Are you really paying for all this shit Bores? He has to be getting it for free, nobody would be dumb enough to waste this much money on all this crap.
Jeez, 10 boxes. Let’s get started.
Box #1 is Super Geek Box, which he looked at last time. Theme is heroes.
- Starting with a Captain America plushie, with Bores adding squeaky sounds for no reason.
- A poster of a Slowpoke (Pokemon) & Flash hybrid (Swiftpoke).
- A 1-Up Mushroom arm band that says YOLO, he doesn’t point this out, instead wondering why it’s not in 1Up Box. Because that’s dumb. Just because it’s called “1Up” doesn’t mean everything has to be 1Up.
- A Superman air freshener, which apparently stinks as Bores adds the cartoon-y tugboat sound to indicate a bad smell as he falls over. *rolls eyes*
- A t-shirt of a Legend of Zelda & Adventure Time hybrid (The Legend of Bubblegum). Okay that’s kind of clever.
- Then the “best for last” (as he claims), a Legend of Zelda mouse pad. It looks so flimsy, just like the mouse pads he used to sell. It says “404 Dead Link… Princess Not Found” I get it, I’m not laughing but I get it.
Box #2 is 1Up Box, another one he looked at last time. Theme is RPGs.
- First is a Funko Pop! figure for Sylvanas from World of Warcraft. For some reason, his voice is pitched-down hard when he says her name. Did he dub it in post because he didn’t know how to pronounce it? Odd editing choice.
- An odd Assassin’s Creed t-shirt where the assassin (fuck if I know which one, they all run together at this point) and an assailant are furry creatures. Also, I thought the theme was RPG? AssCreed isn’t an RPG. Unless that’s not AssCreed. I’m not sure, can someone clarify? I can’t find it on 1UP Box’s site.
- Assassin’s Creed emoji stickers. What the fuck is this? Again, not an RPG. Oh and Bores edits one of them onto his face. Pointless!
- A Viking pin? He held it too close to the camera to get a good look at what it was so I couldn’t read the writing.
- His favorite item “because I like to read” (pfft) is a glow in the dark Fallout bookmark. “Featuring the Fallout 4 guy” He’s called Vault Boy, and he’s been around since the first game. Research? For losers!
Box #3 is ComicBoxer, which apparently has all comic books. That’s kind of interesting actually.
- First item is the Free Comic Book Day copy of Civil War II. Bleh, that is such a cynical cash-in event. I know it’s capitalizing on the new movie, but when that did it sooo much better than the original comic… Not to mention I’ve heard they’re already pointlessly killing off characters.
- Black Panther comic
- Empress by Mark Millar. Ew, don’t be needlessly dark.
- Something called Rough Riders.
- A Star Wars comic featuring Poe Dameron, or just “X-Wing Pilots” as he puts it. Apparently the big fucking name on the cover isn’t important!
- Finally a book called Joyride with an autograph from the artist, which Bores finds “really cool”. It would be cool if I knew the artist. *looks up* Who the hell is Marcus To?
Then it cuts to the “certificate of authenticity” with Bores putting a sepia tone over it and playing some generic rock music. What’s the point of that?
Box #4 is IndieBox. Oh this one, they give out awesome indie games. None of which Bores can play because they’re PC only! Waste of money Bores (if you pay for it).
The focus is on the game Galak-Z: The Dimensional (though Bores leaves out that second part) “It’s packaged like a video game package” What’s a script?
- A USB drive. Little does Bores know is that USB has the whole game on it. That’s how they distribute the game itself. Useful info that I’m willing to look up but Bores isn’t.
- An audio cassette with the game’s music. Odd to put it on such an obsolete format.
- A poster. Bores puts it against his wall. Yeah that is not going to appear in future videos.
- A sticker. Chris you don’t have to say the game’s name every time. We know it’s all focused on Galak-Z. Then he puts it on his head… blah
- A manual
- And a statue. Though he calls it an action figure. It has no articulation, it’s not really an “action” figure.
- There’s also card that give demo codes to various indie titles. None of which Bores will play. This feels like a waste.
Box #5 is the Bam Box. Which Bores really exploits by yelling “BAM” with a bunch of jump cuts. This is going to be an overused joke isn’t it?
- Random boxes will get an “upgraded” item, and he got lucky. This does lend credence to the “got them for free” theory. His big upgrade is a pin of a hybrid of Spider-Man and Charmander. It looks fat.
- Something about virtual reality glasses, it looks stupid.
- Some black ooze with a magnet. I’m not sure what it’s meant to be. He references Magneto for some reason but it doesn’t make sense. Because it’s not Chris Bores without random references that do not belong.
- The One Ring from Lord of the Rings, only it’s in black. Apparently if you want the correct color, it has to be a random upgrade. That’s stupid! This is a stupid box service.
- Stop saying cool!
- Some signed Wolverine artwork, and signed Zoom from the Flash series artwork. Autographed stuff is only good if you know the artist. You don’t tell us the artist, and thus it’s pointless.
Only five to go.
Box #6 is Game Box Monthly, which is all about giving out different games.
- First is Eight-Minute Empire Legends. Ah, it’s going to be shit nobody has heard of. Excellent. He lists the things that make it a tabletop game. Because screw telling us the rules. Then again, this video is stuffed with pointless box shit and… why are you doing this? This is dumb.
- Then a card game called Fisticuffs. “I haven’t played this game yet” Nobody has! Nobody knows what this is. Quit acting like you’re “in”, you’re not “in”, you’re trapped in a safe space bubble.
- Then a bag of rubber bands. I’m sure it’s a game of some kind but Bores is too lazy to do research. Instead he says to “fling them at your principal”. On one hand, at least he’s acknowledging the age of his audience, on the other hand he really shouldn’t be encouraging delinquent behavior. Shame on you.
Not much in this box, seems like a waste. Then again, a lot of these are a waste.
Box #7 is LootCrate, the big fan favorite. The theme is power (which Bores has to say in an attempted booming voice)
- First is Funko Pop! competitor called Q-Fig, this one for the Hulk. Hard to see through the box…
- A Dragon Ball plush toy of the four-star ball wrapped by Shenron. Bores adds pointless squeaking noises again. Plushies do not make those noises! Unless you add them, but I doubt they did.
- A Warcraft movie t-shirt.
- And an Infinity Gauntlet oven mitt. Prompting Bores to give a really awkward looking “evil laugh”. His jaw just juts to the side like someone punched him. It’s really off-putting.
I swear LootCrate had more than this…
Box #8 (oh my god it’s still going) is Lootaku. Which he mispronounces hard. It rhymes with otaku! Though I doubt Bores knows that word.
- First is an Ultron bobble head. Hm, I would think something that rhymes with otaku would be anime stuff. I do know there’s a service that specializes in anime stuff.
- An Infinity Gauntlet coffee mug. What’s with all the Infinity Gauntlet stuff? Avengers 3 isn’t for another two years.
- A random Marvel keychain, he got Gray Deadpool (that’s a thing?) but sees it’s not on the back of the package, and he believes he got a rare one. Then it prompts a sepia overlay while a choir sings and CLOSE YOUR MOUTH! Seriously what is that expression? I could see flies going in there.
- A Rocket Raccoon plushie. Thankfully no pointless squeaking sounds.
- Finally a Captain America Civil War bobble head. He hopes he gets Iron Man *rolls eyes* but he gets Hawkeye, and then a cow moos. What? Is that meant to be disappointment? Where is the sense? Also, Hawkeye is awesome, what do you know?
Box #9 is ZBox. It’s heavy…
- First is a Funko Pop! figure for the Winter Soldier.
- The Rocket Raccoon Disney Infinity figure. How pointless, now that the series is dead. Not going to comment on that Chris?
- A “Visit Asgard” t-shirt. Chris also tries to say “origin” again and butchers it. Is that really an accent thing?
- A Marvel bag tag. He wants Silver Surfer, but gets the Hulk instead. This causes him to “roar” and he puts the Hulk’s head over his. Will you stop with this crap?
- Finally the Spider-Man Character Encyclopedia from DK Children. A massive book I saw at a recent book fair. That’s a surprisingly good item.
The 10th and FINAL box (thank fuck) is Comic Pop, who apparently couldn’t bother to make a custom box to ship their crap.
- First is a Harry Potter Gryffindor shirt.
- Then a Lord of the Rings magnet. I can barely read what it says. Instead of reading it to us, we get a dumb gag where the magnet somehow attracts to his brain.
- A Funko Pop! pencil topper (they make those) of Voldemort.
- Marvel magnets.
- A random keychain of a Disney villain. He gets… and I swear this is what he says, “Evil Kitty from the Evil Kitty Disney movie”. Chris… that’s Lucifer from Cinderella. What the hell is the Evil Kitty movie? You couldn’t take five minutes to look this up? This incompetence is why you barely have fans. Why your audience isn’t the same. Why nobody respects you.
- A Funko Dorbz figure (different from Pop!) of Jack Skellington. He looks nothing like him but whatever we’re near the end.
- Finally a Slytherin (Harry Potter) drinking up. He sucks on the straw and somehow gets brain freeze… What? There was clearly nothing in there! Why not make a Harry Potter joke like you just drank Polyjuice Potion and you transform? No fuck that, he would ruin it.
It’s finally ov-, oh wait the rating.
Fourth place (changing it up already) is Lootaku. Reasons? NONE GIVEN! FUCK EFFORT!
Third is Comic Pop. Again, no reasons.
Second is LootCrate
First is Bam Box, which I’m pretty sure he only picked so he can do the stupid “BAM” jump cut gag. Can I hit him?
Now he’s rating the shirts.
Third is the Harry Potter Gryffindor shirt from Comic Pop
Second is Super Geek Box’s Zelda/Adventure Time hybrid
First is ZBox’s Visit Asgard.
Onto items, jeez it just keeps going and going.
Honorable mentions to the Slytherin cup and the DBZ plushie. By the way, he squeezes it and doesn’t make a sound. Why the pointless added sounds Bores? Why do you want to deceive your audience? If you say “humor”, then where’s the joke?
Third place is Super Geek Box’s Legend of Zelda mouse pad. Holy shit that’s flimsy, it looks like it could tear in half any second.
Second is Bam Box’s One Ring necklace. Why? It’s not even the right color. It’s black, not gold.
Best item overall is LootCrate’s Infinity Gauntlet oven mitt. Taking a quick peek in the comments (hurts to do that), apparently the mitt is poorly made and can burn you. Should have tested it out before declaring it the winner!
No worst item? Even though sooooo much of this is crap? No taste detected.
Oh and of course it’s a contest. Fuck this.
This was dumb. He got so much wrong, the jokes that were there were terrible, this is a pointless series. If these companies are providing the boxes for free, why? Do they not know of Chris’ reputation? Why would anyone want to do deals with him? If he spend his own money on the boxes, then he’s a giant moron for buying all this crap. The only reason this is “popular” is that he’s giving away free stuff. Take that component away and nobody would care. Why do people want most of this stuff anyway?
Anyway, new Kirby game. Giant robots, let’s go.