Saturday, April 21, 2018

A Video on Deadly Towers That's Somehow Worse Than Deadly Towers

Long week, but hey one more week to Avengers.

Chris posted an 11 minute 39 second video. Granted, he already bragged it would be this long.
He stated that this is something he wanted to cover since 2007. I knew of at least two different games it could have been. One was Deadly Towers, which he said in a comment on one of his earliest videos (it’s long gone but can be found on a video from the thee3nd), or one of the Simpsons NES games which he mentioned back in his review of the 2007 game.

Turns out the first guess was right, it’s a “review” of Deadly Towers. He also claimed that this video was “30 years in the making”. Yeah I don’t buy that.

Let’s begin

Video opens, he states he’s going to look at a video game he played all the time in his youth (pfft) and it just “pissed him off”. So you played a game “all the time” even though it made you mad? It’s not even like it’s a good hard game like Ghosts n Goblins or Contra, it’s Deadly Towers, what many agree is one of the worst NES games. Are you a masochist or just a liar?

Into the intro… let’s talk about the intro actually.
Reader YouTubed brought it to my attention that this same intro is used by a channel called Blue Television Games. Only real difference is the logo at the end of it. It’s not stolen from him, but rather it’s from a site that sells digital assets for use. Similar to Chris using Digital Juice for all his music. Bores eventually revealed to reader Silent Spring that it came from a site called Envato, while calling Spring an idiot (I guess Bores was channeling DarkSydePhil for that response).

Still, it shows that the one thing I do praise about his show is just something that continues to show how unoriginal he really is. Always a catch to these things.

He starts going on about how much he hates the game and every time he played it there were “bugs”, citing the controls and “hardness factor”. Those aren’t bugs, those are overall issues with the game. It’s not “bugged sword throwing mechanics”.

“I wanted to review this for the first season of my previous show” Previous show? Just say Irate Gamer.
And he confesses he’s using an NES Max for the turbo function. Already a dishonest review.

More dishonesty as it becomes very clear he’s using an emulator. The game is far too clean looking, there’s a filter in use. If he was actually playing on an NES, it would look a lot more pixel-y. So the scene of him putting the game in the console and going on about his need for turbo? Lies! Emulators have built-in turbo anyway. Already this review is a waste.

He comments that the logo doesn’t tell you it’s a medieval game. Then what does it tell you? And what would a logo for a medieval game look like? Hello?
He goes over the story… not much there…
Gives his first complaint about the controls being janky, and how going diagonal is counter-productive. Hmm, wonder where he stole that complaint from. It’s too clever for Bores.
Then stupid joke time as he claims he can’t “walk around a medieval” town in his glasses, so he puts on… the same glasses but a different color. Ugggh enough with the fucking glasses! They’re not funny!

He plays some more, gets knocked into another room, complains about the abundance of enemies, then at one point his audio quality suddenly shifts. Was this something added late? He suddenly sounds completely different!
Notes how the game lags with many enemies on screen. Wow, Chris actually bringing up a technical problem. Let’s see how he ruins it.

He dies, and is thankful there’s “a PASSword system”. Yeah weird emphasis on the “pass”.
Doesn’t understand the need for a password this early, more about enemies, complains killing them takes too long. Goes up to one and says to count how many hits it takes, it’s in fast-motion but it looks like 10. But for “comedy” I guess he says it’s 30. Either that or he’s doing more manipulation like Super Mario Bros. 2

Dies falling into a pit.

Blah blah blah, finds the shop, complains that it’s too early to buy things (no it isn’t), leaves, immediately dies. Bored.

Complains about Prince Myer just beaming in and wonders if he’s coming from the Enterprise. It’s called NES limitations Chris.

Right now things just aren’t interesting. He’s just dying a lot.

Finds a dungeon… dies some more… finds another dungeon that he probably read about in a guide
More dying, finds a dragon, beats it (with fast-forwarding), dies again…
Kills an enemy, and th- OH COME ON that death was clearly on purpose! I know Deadly Towers controls like crap but that was clearly you walking off the edge! I see we’re not past pretending to be harder than it really is.

Boring… complains about an enemy, calls the screens “boards” (*rolls eyes*), finds another mini-boss, beats it but then dies. More dying… more dying…

Then he face palms and “dies” in a way similar to the game. Yep, back to these types of jokes too. How exactly is this a rebrand outside of being more boring and those stupid glasses?

He then reveals the point in the game that he claims was “as far as he got” as a kid. Uh huh, sure. He cries “30 years!” and how he wants to see the ending really bad. VGMuseum could help with that. You know the site exists since you stole the images of the Aladdin ending from them.
But no, he’s just saying that to justify his cheating. With Game Genie. Or rather he opens the cheats menu in his emulator.

He then reaches the area where all the towers are. He plays the Pac-Man death sound for some reason. He’s mad that they put all the tower entrances in one place. Meh…

Boring… boring… boring… I can’t really say much he’s just explaining what’s going on. I’m sure there’s something wrong somewhere but nobody really cares about Deadly Towers. And I don’t really care for this video.

Beats a boss, gets the bell, travels back down, you know this isn’t very exciting when you’re invincible.
More forced anger, and then a dumb joke where he says the game’s full title should be “Deadly Towers Deadly Enemies Deadly Controls Deadly Dungeons Deadly Green Fuzzy Monsters That Make No Sense in the Middle Ages” The only one that applies is controls, the rest rings hollow when you’re cheating. Sorry, but once he brought in Game Genie, the rest of this video is just a mishmash of droning noise.

More climbing, then he shows all the bosses, giving a lot of them random names. I’m sure they’re references to some shitty 80’s show that only he cares about.
Has all the bells, and goes to throw them into the fire. He then complains about having to do all that work for the bells just to have a “kumbaya campfire”. Dude, the game tells you to burn the bells. You even mention this when going over the story. Pay attention to your own fucking script! If you have one, I’m still doubting you do.

Backtracks to the start, goes to the right to a now open door, he drops “30 years” again (stop) and finds it’s another tower. He gets to the top, beats the final boss (calling his second form bear heads when they look more like lions), and praises the game for having an ending. You really get hung up on video game endings way too much Chris.

The game tells him “You are victorious” and Chris says “Great, compared to a Nickelodeon pop star”. You do realize that word has existed long before that show right? Wait, I thought Nickelodeon was the devil now? You know, after you freaked out over seeing the Eye of Providence at the Kids Choice Awards to the point that you won’t let your step-kids watch it? Is this more of that hypocrisy you oh so relish in? I think it is!

He turns off the emulator I MEAN takes the game out of the console.
He cries about “30 years” again, and flaccidly drops the game out of his hand. Video ends, followed by sponsorship.

Booooooring! How the hell did this last 11 minutes? It feels like there was six minutes of content at most. Is this Chris’ strategy now? Be so boring that people won’t notice that it actually sucks? I don’t know, it just feels like my brain has melted and I need to play something good.

But first, some things I need to bring up.

If you haven’t heard by now, Channel Awesome (the home of The Nostalgia Critic and once home to many other reviewers) has basically imploded on itself. Through a combination of former contributor grievances, an egoistically prideful CEO that refuses to give a proper apology, the majority of contributors leaving the site in droves (including Linkara) leaving only Brad Jones and Larry Bundy Jr (who admits he’s only staying as a joke now), accidentally outing that someone was a sexual predator, and just a whole shitstorm of “how not to run a business”, Channel Awesome has basically died and is now just a shambling zombie. All this could have been avoided had they just properly apologized but noooooooo….

Chris decided to take this opportunity for a victory lap! First he claims “I haven’t watched any of them”, but then realized that’s not good enough, and started playing the victim card crying about how “they deserve it because they made fun of me! They made fun of me just for making videos!” No Chris, that’s not why they, or anyone else, made fun of you. They made fun of you because your videos suck, you refuse to learn from your mistakes, you are not funny, your jokes and humor come across as childish and predictable. That is why current and former Channel Awesome contributors made fun of you. It had nothing to do with you “making videos”, that’s just your mental gymnastics trying to justify why people don’t like you. Because surely it has nothing to do with the fact you’re an unpleasant person that poses as his own mother to deflect criticism, and at one point false-flagged any video that was critical of you off of YouTube.

Speaking of false-flagging…
Way back in January 2017, Ben Phillips created “Opening Up: An Irate Gamer Documentary”. A video that showcases the many contradictions and lies featured in Chris’ 39 minute “Opening Up” video. For the longest time, it was one of the first results people would get when searching “Irate Gamer”. Not anymore, and you want to know why? Because Chris Bores flagged it with a copyright strike! Not even using Y2B Productions or any other fake company. Literally just “a copyright claim by Chris Bores” The video was here, but now it's gone. You can see the copyright claim.

*clap clap clap* Wow, 10 years later and you’re still doing the same shitty things. You haven’t learned a thing have you? You’re still the same crybaby from 2008 that couldn’t handle people being critical of your crappy videos. I thought you would at least grow out of that habit. But I was wrong, you are still an awful person Chris. You going to pose as mommy again and come crying here about how wrong we are? How we all have daddy issues or something? Quit pretending to be your mom.

Everyone, you are now free to make videos critical of Bores, and if he false flags you, fight him on it. He has no right to flag any videos like that. It only further shows how insecure he truly is.
I will further update you on this as I learn more.

Thank you all for reading.

Saturday, April 14, 2018

Even a Rebrand Doesn't Stop Recycled Content

*wakes up*
*sees cavalcade of internet drama*
*goes back to sleep*
*gets alert from informant that Bores posted something*
Alright.

Got a near six minute video this time. Some tiny arcade cabinets.
The thumbnail is terrible. Chris is eating a clearly fake hamburger, like he couldn't go to Burger King or something to pick up a real burger for this thumbnail? What kind of low effort crap is this?
He really wants to emphasize that he's talking about BurgerTime.

Intro, "retro gamers", shmup opening...
Jeez, he's wearing the stupid glasses throughout the video. Are people telling him the glasses are cool? They're not.
He thinks these things are a good way to play arcade classics. Are they? They look tiny, and hard to use. Are they for kids?
He admires the accuracy to the original cabinet. "I don't know how they did it" ... They looked at the cabinet  and copied it? He wonders how they got the art. Likely a deal with G-Mode, the company that owns the rights to BurgerTime. This isn't rocket science!
More admiration, more "cool"
"The sausage that tries to kill you" That's actually a hot dog. The enemies are called Mr. Hot Dog, Mr. Pickle and Mr. Egg.

"These things take four AAA batteries, SUPER COOL" First of all, those are AA batteries, AAA batteries are much skinnier. Second, that is not "super cool" in any way! That's a lot of batteries, and since you have three of these things that's 12. That seems like a waste.
"You can turn the volume up and down which is super cool" Stop saying "super cool". Is it a verbal tic now or something?

"I pretty much have a love-hate relationship with this game because it is so (pointless pause) DIFFICULT" Not really. I mean, the original arcade version maybe since it costs quarters to play and adds a psychological effect that demands you do well or you waste your money. I can't imagine this version since you likely get infinite continues. And even then the game isn't THAT hard, only in later stages.
Chris admits he could only get to the second level. Wow... you suck.

He plays... cries about how tough it is (even though he's not dying a lot)... tries to remember when it was made, claims '83 (actually '82, a year off)....
"It came at the tail end of the video game crash" Chris you do realize that the crash only affected home consoles right? Arcades were safe.

He complains about the aspect ratio, that it should be taller. I should mention this isn't the original arcade version, it's the NES port. Making it "taller" wouldn't help. Also, that makes this a total rip-off. It promises the arcade version, but you don't get that. Going to mention that Chris? Then again, he thinks people wouldn't tell the difference between two versions of Ghosts n' Goblins.
He also complains that the marquee doesn't light, and thinks that it would drive the price up if it did. No not really, this just looks cheaply made.

He moves onto Bad Dudes. He tries to act nostalgic, how he played it at a pizza place. It's not working.
He laments that there's no multiplayer. No shit, that thing can barely fit your hands, much less two.
And then... oh wow. He states that a big reason he loves this game is that it was co-op (or "two players at the same time"  as he often puts it) and that "it was very rare to find games like that". No it wasn't! Contra came out a year before, Rampage came out two years before, TMNT came out a year after. There were plenty of co-op games around that time! How?!
By the way, this is the NES version too. Where BurgerTime only had slight differences, Bad Dudes is VERY different from the arcade version. Wait... remember his Smackdown vs Raw 2008 video? At the end of it he randomly decides to "shred" Bad Dudes on NES because it "sucked ass" compared to the arcade version. How does Chris not notice this? It could be... he's a big liar that never actually played any of these games!

And he goes on about how he needs to review the NES version because what he hates about it is that they removed the co-op. You're playing the NES version you moron! How do you not notice this?!
"I haven't played this in years" Not an excuse!

He moves onto Karate Champ
He thinks this game had a different name. Only in Japan, it was called Karate Do, but everywhere else it was Karate Champ
Again, the NES version. You might have seen this in videos talking about bad games.
He tries playing, randomly references The Karate Kid (cringe) and... stops.

"You could build your own coffee table Arcade!" No.
He mentions how he was at ToyFair. Huh, I wonder if it's connected to when Puppet Steve went to ToyFair. HMMMMMM
Notes there's more coming. I don't think he'll be looking at them, always promises but never delivers.
He claims a PR guy told him they also want to do obscure games. Good luck.
He then claims he told him that he really wants Food Fight. I don't think they can do that, all the games are Midway, Bally, Namco, that line. Food Fight is from Atari. Unless they strike a deal with them, don't expect it.
"It gets no love these days" Because nobody cares. It's not really a major game. Also, I doubt he played it.

Video ends, but then we get a commercial from his sponsor. Retro Game Treasure, a lootbox service that gives you old games.

Boring.

You may notice in the title I use the term "recycled content". That's because Chris looked at these exact same cabinets on Puppet Steve. On March 29th, so it hasn't even been a while. It's just so damn cynical and lazy. Are we going to see more crap already looked at on Puppet Steve? How long until "Chris Neo" starts doing FNAF shit?
I'd compare the videos, but my tolerance for Puppet Steve is at an all time low after that... "Poopeez" video. *glances at his channel* He just posted a video where he runs over a bootleg plushie with a lawnmower, and a 10 minute video on another grossout toy called the Flush Force. Is grossout coming back? Are we going to see Nickelodeon bring back Ren & Sti- oooh wait no that's probably a bad idea now.

Over on his Facebook, he mentioned that there's another video coming for an NES game, one he's had planned since 2007. I know there's a some games he promised way back then. Deadly Towers in the comments of one of his oldest videos (before they were disabled), and the Simpsons NES titles. Or it could be something else entirely
He then claims this video was "30 years in the making". I get what he means but it still sounds dumb.

That's all for me. It's cold outside.

Sunday, April 8, 2018

An Unnecessary Clickbait Follow-Up

On Friday, Chris released the follow-up to his Sewer Shark video. He said before it would get "long" if he posted it in the initial video. Except this video is only 3 minutes 40 seconds. Sounds like a lie so he could turn it into clickbait. As the title goes "Sewer Shark SEGA CD SATANIC MESSAGE?!"

So what's so important that it needed its own video?

The video opens with Chris claiming that he found this years ago and nobody has posted about it online. Yeah that's a lie. I'll show it's a lie later in the post.

A long explanation on how Sega CD games could also be played in a CD player. I guess it's something for really young people that don't know about CDs?

He finally plays the message. Which is a short phone call to Digital Pictures with someone talking backwards.
"It's not Satanic" ... Chris, you should look up Betteridge's law of headlines. It renders your stupid title pointless.

He goes on about how it freaked him out as a kid. No I can't buy that you ever touched a Sega CD as a kid. No.

The backwards message is just someone saying "Number 9" three times. A reference to Revolution 9 from The Beatles' White Album. He claims the Beatles were infamous for putting backmasked messages in their songs. That was only two songs, Rain and Free as a Bird. There is no "Paul is dead" messages, there is no secret Satanic shit in Stairway to Heaven, it's all interpretation. But then what do I expect from someone that still thinks ghosts are real.

The video ends with Chris declaring Sewer Shark one of his favorite Sega CD games. Whew talk about shit taste! There's way better games on Sega CD. Chris seems like the type that thinks the flashy new tech equals quality, when it really doesn't.

First of all, Chris is lying when he says this has never been seen before. I Googled "Sewer Shark Easter Egg" and this was one of the first results.

Posted in 2010! Eight years ago!
Once again, Chris fails at doing basic research.

Secondly, why couldn't this be in the first video? This didn't really need to be a separate video. Well, outside of the blatant clickbait. That's probably the entire reason.

Sorry for the sloppiness of this post. There wasn't really much to say.
Well there is one thing. Chris' view counts are terrible. The Sewer Shark video is only a little over 10,000 now. For someone with 156k subs, that is garbage. It's like how Puppet Steve has over 280k subs, but his Etsy store only has 126 sales.
Speaking of... *checks Puppet Steve videos* "Five Night's at Freddy's Star Wars Lego" What the fuck is this? Throw it in the trash.