The Time Machine that Removes Your Emotions. Plus Bores Updated

You guys demanded it so here it is, a rant of The Bores’ finest piece yet. For a while I’ve been trying to do a rant on his y2b2006 channel but the few attempts I tried left terrible mental scars. But thanks to DLAbaoaqu and anonymous users I’ve decided to tackle only the big videos, two Mythbusters parodies and today’s subject. The former will happen at a later date. The video can also be seen on y2b2010’s channel titled “The Time Machine.” http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ddn9nOuu9kE Since this isn’t Bores’ channel I feel comfortable linking it. Intro: “Now for the Featured Presentation” Only in your head Bores. Okay, so the actual title is “Back to the Past” and from the music it’s going to “parody” Back to the Future. Oh goody, we’ll see Bores, once again, fuck up basic time travel principles (excuse me, princibles). 0:18: So the film takes place July 4th 2004, meaning this was made back in 2004. You know, I’d make another comparison to James Rolfe’s body of work that year but that would be like comparing a film student with Spielberg, it’s just not fair. 0:20 - 0:44: We see Bores reading (*holds back laughter*) and comment that this project is taking “forEVer” and he needs more time. He then gets an idea on how to get all the time he needs. Oh God The Nostalgia Critic would have a field day with this acting. Why do I get the feeling when he showed this to his friends they all gave a VERY awkward “Uh that’s a good film Chris, I don’t see anything wrong with it heh heh.” He makes Shaq look good. In fact his acting in the Irate Gamer videos is like Pacino compared to this. 0:44 - 1:54: Here we get a montage set to Hans Zimmer or Harry Gregson-Williams music (the stuff you hear in trailers) as he writes on a plastic whiteboard, pours Windex into a beaker, looking through books, stick a fork into an electrical socket (sadly he doesn’t die, only short the lights), and finally yells “EUREKA” after this very boring montage. By the way, I’m sending out a request for the soundtrack this song is from because I know I’ve heard it and I just want to know where. 1:55 - 2:05: Bores marvels over his invention while droning his lines out until “I can go ANYWHERE in history”. Suddenly the subtle nuances of Paris Hilton in The Hottie & The Nottie sound good about now. 2:05 - 2:37: As he decides where to go, the Good Angel Bad Devil cliché appears. Because this wasn’t already stupid the first 5000 times this has been done! The incredibly gay Angel tells him that time travel is bad, reminding him of Back to the Future. Don’t reference the better movie here it will just make people turn this off. The head-band wearing, tiny-forked Devil tells him to go back in time and get rich off stock options… really, that’s the best plan you can think of? Why not do what Biff did and bet on sporting events? You hold the only time machine so Michael J. Fox can’t stop you. Great I’m bringing logic into a Bores video again *slaps self* 2:38: “I know, I’ll go back to the past!” To play the shitty games that suck ass. I couldn’t let that one slide. 2:43 - 2:53: It’s special effects time! Stare in awe at the amazing 90s effects! Gasp at the shameful defaults found in old versions of iMovie! Be astounded by Bores waving his hands like an idiot as he travels through time! Watch in terror as… 2:54: WAIT A MINUTE! Look in the back as Bores gets up, the remote jump-cuts onto the TV. Come on not even Uwe Boll goes this low. 2:55 - 3:07: So Bores ends up in the year 1995. You have to love how 9 years ago he lived in the exact same apartment with the exact same furniture and decorations. 3:07 - 3:13: Suddenly he hears a voice, a young Bores comes walking ou- IT’S THE EVIL GAMER! Holy shit, is this where his evil twin came from? The past? The Young Bores complains about his tape player not working and thinks about getting a CD player. Because CD players were such a luxury in 1995, it’s not like Compact Discs were easily acceptable since the 1980s OH WAIT THEY WERE! By the way, listen to Young Bores voice here and listen to it after Bores explains who he is. 3:24: Time what? Porthole? God, I hate to see him review Portal. “The cake is a lie? Well what a piece of sheeit!” More terrible acting, I’m starting to miss Hulk Hogan. 3:50 - 4:00: Woaaaah more gnarly special effects! I totally approve of this like I approve of Rob Liefeld. Yeah he sounds like 90s Kid, I guess everyone had that stereotype of the 90s. 4:05 - 4:21: Young Bores arrives at his destination and sees Bores is still there, he only went 10 minutes into the future. Get it, Young Bores is stupid it’s funny HA! 4:22 - 4:34: Another version of Bores appears, this one wearing a tuxedo and sunglasses. No Chris, do not do a Matrix parody. I swear if you… 4:34: “Hello Mr. Anderson” FUCK YOU! 4:39: I know I criticize Bores for staring at the camera too much, but he has the back of his head to the camera. This is one first things you learn about filmmaking, if someone is talking have the camera on their face. There are exceptions to this rule but this isn’t one of them (a good exception is the first scene with Marcellus Wallace in Pulp Fiction. You only get the back of his head with a bandage on it, creating one of the most popular suitcase theories). I know I’m getting off-track but I’d rather talk about a good movie then this. 4:41 - 4:47: Agent Bores explains he’s a time cop sent from the future to arrest him. My God his acting is bad, it’s not even Narm it’s just painful. You’re making the kid from Troll 2 look good. Also, you couldn’t do a JCVD reference? The Matrix isn’t even about time travel, you have a character that calls himself a Time Cop yet you missed one of the most obvious references? *sighs* Moving on. This is boring, is “Manos” The Hands of Fate on somewhere? 5:06 - 5:10: *sees extremely blatant jump-cut* Why? *sighs and face palms* 5:12 - 5:30: Agent Bores hits Young Bores with… something and he starts having a seizure. Oh wait, he was asking too many questions (even though he only asked one) and placed him into a temporal flux. SAVE ME DOCTOR WHO! 5:46 - 5:55: Bores runs off and goes into the left door, Agent Bores follows and enters the right door. Wait what? 5:56 - 6:56: If this video wasn’t painful enough already, the various Bores start doing a Scooby-Doo parody set to god damn Blink-182. This parody fails on many levels, mostly from the lack of people and doors. When Scooby-Doo does this there like 10 doors with the entire gang and the monster, sometimes a random character would appear. Also Blink-182 sucks ass. 6:56 - 7:08: Bores finally does the (almost) logical thing and escapes into the present. Agent Bores misses and… *sighs* screams “KHAAAN!” This isn’t funny this is just painful. I love Wrath of Khan so this really hurts me. By the way, look at the computer in the background. Keep a note of that. The video (finally) ends with Bores relieved that he escaped but only for Agent Bores to reappear (making that Khan scream *ding* Entirely Pointless). Agent Bores takes away the remote and says “Don’t make another”. By the way, the computer in 2004 is the same computer from 1995. I know I already pointed out that inconsistency but that's just lazy. He then tries to figure out what to do next, and settles on building a rocket ship to another galaxy hoping aliens won’t mind. Followed by a REALLY bad UFO effect and an ending card trying to imply this is a cliffhanger. Thank God this never saw a sequel because this killed more brain cells then I care to count. Wait, wasn’t the whole point of the time machine to finish a project that was taking too long? Again I’m trying to bring logic into one of his videos so I’ll just stop. I mean wow this was bad. I think this is the earliest Chris Bores film on the Internet and it shows that he’s barely improved. At least Doug Walker made some interesting work pre-That Guy with the Glasses. In other news, Bores updated his site. Looks like the next episode will be another “Epic”. Here’s the copy-paste. 1-14-10 Hello All. Just letting you know that yes a new episode is coming soon but it'll still be about 2 weeks off since I'm releasing 2 episodes at once this time around (might release it as one episode though. I'm not sure quite yet.) This will make sense once you see the story surrounding it. Story? Are you going to bring in the stupid Evil Gamer again? Have Ronnie show up for no reason? Kill another pop culture icon? And I'm guessing having it in two parts will be entirely pointless, like splitting the ET video into two parts even though they came out the same day. Well whatever it will be, I bet it’s going to suck and my fingers will be itching to tear it apart.