Redux Recap: Movie and Breakfast Filler Fun

*reads comments on IG’s E3 videos* Nobody seems to point out how E3 has been over a long time. In fact, I’m seeing shit like “best E3 coverage ever” and “most complete” and other shit like that. Haven’t these retards ever heard of GameTrailers? Actually, this goes back to my YouTube Proles idea. YouTube Proles only know of YouTube, the idea of a different video site is too much for them to comprehend. If it’s not on YouTube, then it doesn’t exist. Still, wouldn’t they know of Machinma? When I get to recapping the rest of the E3 videos, I’ll avoid scrolling down to the comments. I’ll just point out how only 3 people brought up his “throwback to the 8-bit games” horseshit when talking about Castlevania: Harmony of Despair. If it’s any consolation, the only positive comments he’s getting at GottGame are from his mommy (LadyBuggin777). Now it’s time for another Redux Recap. Chris Bores went to film school. He didn’t graduate but he went to it. So by that I’m going to assume he’s somewhat of a movie buff. However, after this Top 10 list I greatly question his taste in movies. So let’s look at his Top 10 Summer Movies of 2008. Originally I wasn’t going to do this, but then I remembered there’s A LOT of material to make fun of here. Intro: Bores starts off telling us he read AOL’s Top 20 Summer Movies list (haha, he uses AOL) and whining that the list sucked. What was on the list? I don’t know, and I can’t find the original article. But he has a problem with Jennifer Aniston having a movie on the list. I checked Jennifer Aniston movies in 2008, and the only one was the critical and commercial success Marley & Me. If that was the movie, then it’s based on a successful book. Because he’s tired of seeing lousy lists (and no he doesn’t mention any other lists, just AOL) he decided to make his own. So then, let’s see what Chris is excited for. Number 10: The X-Files: I Want to Believe Or as he calls it, The X-Files 2 (with a nice little fake 2 at the end). He’s glad this movie is not using aliens but going back to paranormal happenings. He expresses how he loves and craves that drivel, even using this opportunity to plug Haunted Investigators. That doesn’t scream “buy my DVD” at all. Then he says he hasn’t heard much but it should please fans of the show. And now I shall provide the audience consensus. Audience says: It was mediocre. Number 9: Harold & Kumar Escape from Guantanamo Bay There’s no “x” in escape Chris. It’s not “ex-cape” He says he liked the first one, and the trailer looks hilarious. “They even brought back Doogie Howser for this one.” His name is Neil Patrick Harris, he’s a respectable actor now and really sexy. … What? Seriously, don’t just label him with the role he played as a kid. Audience says: It was more of the same, only less funny. Number 8: The Incredible Hulk Bores mentions he was never a fan. He never read the comics or watched the TV show. So why are you excited? “I’ll just make sure to keep him away from my Nintendo system…” There never was a Hulk game on the NES. The earliest two were Questprobe featuring The Hulk (early computer game) and The Incredible Hulk on SNES, Genesis, Master System, and Game Gear. Remind me how long you’ve been playing video games. He also laughs about the first one being so bad, that they had to reboot it. Not really funny. “They cast Edward Norton as Rex Banner” Hey, he was telling the truth about not being a fan. Otherwise, he’d know that the Hulk’s human side is Bruce Banner (or if you’re going by the TV show David Banner). Rex Banner was a one-shot character on The Simpsons, a parody of Chicago Prohibition agent & Untouchables founder Eliot Ness. Audience says: It was decent Number 7: Hellboy II: The Golden Army He just shows his “enthusiasm” over the prospect of seeing demons, superheroes and “crazy characters”. He also says he never read any of the comics. Hmmmm He’s also excited to see David Hyde Pierce is reprising his role as Abe Sapien. Who cares? “Should be a good flick methinks” Don’t try to class this up, it’s already boring. Audience says: Not bad. Number 6: Iron Man “I just love these comic book movies, I think every movie released should be a comic book movie” Close-minded aren’t we? “This is another great movie I’d like to see get the live-action treatment.” What? Iron Man is a comic book, this is the first Iron Man movie. Well, there was a direct-to-DVD animated movie released in 2007, but that shouldn’t excuse the stupidity of that statement. “I was never a big reader of Iron Man, but I have read a few issues”. You want all movies to be based on comic books, and yet the three you mentioned you’ve barely read or never read at all. Am I missing something here? Are you just a close-minded casual movie-goer that only wants explosions and action? He continues drooling over the trailer and effects. Yeah… Audience says: It was awesome. To try and make more ad revenue, Bores released this video in two parts. Let’s check out #5-1. Number 5: Hancock Bores mentions that he didn’t know anything about this movie, glancing over reports about it. But when he saw the trailer he “was literally blown away”. Did the movie shoot you? Did it strap a bomb to your chest and detonate it? How did it literally blow you away? That’s a pet peeve I have, people that use “literally” when they mean “figuratively”. He also says that it can’t wrong because Will Smith is the lead. He lists off some of his greats “I, Robot, Men in Black, Enemy of the State”. Ugh, I, Robot wasn’t a “great” movie, it wasn’t even a good one. Why not Ali or The Pursuit of Happyness? Because Chris Bores won’t watch a movie unless it has explosions or effects. Audience says: It started out good but went FUBAR after he was released from prison. Number 4: The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor Or as he calls it “Mummy 3” with some fake text in the poster. Bores mentions that two of his all-time favorite movies are The Mummy and The Mummy Returns (or as he calls the latter “The Mummy 2”). See, they’re only good to him because there’s lots of pretty pictures and effects. Screw story, make way for special effects! He also remarks that The Mummy was the first DVD he ever bought. I wouldn’t be too proud of that… Then some more “Boy, I sure am excited” crap. This is really dull. Audience says: BOOOOOOOO! You suck! Number 3: Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull Before that, he tried to fake us out with Sex and the City. I didn’t laugh. “How long has it been since the last one, 10 years?” Do some research you twat, Last Crusade came out 1989, Kingdom of the Crystal Skull came out 2008. That’s 19 years not 10. It’s not even close. Maybe if you said 20 years, I would have let it slide. I mean, this is something you could find on Wikipedia. Oh that’s right, you don’t use it because “it’s always wrong”. “He’s even got Louis Stevens with him, all right!” It’s been years since I’ve watched Disney Channel, but was Even Stevens a show both kids & adults could enjoy? If it’s not, then I’m a little uncomfortable that a man in his mid-to-late 20s watches Disney Channel. He’s also disappointed that Sean Connery isn’t the movie, but realizes it’s not a big deal. Then why the hell did you bring it up? Audience says: Definite Love It or Hate It Number 2: The Dark Knight Or as Bores (stupidly) calls it “Batman 2: The Dark Knight”. He starts off saying he was worried that Christopher Nolan would screw up after thinking back to Batman & Robin (or as he calls it, Batman 4... Come on you’re not even trying). Dude, I doubt Warner Bros would have made the same mistake twice. They knew people wanted dark, so they gave them dark. They made sure to limit the camp, the bad dialogue, and the Bat-Nipples/Bat Credit Cards More forced excitement combined with pictures. It’s almost done. Audience says: OH GOD YES! So we’ve finally reached the end, what will Bores choose? I wish I was making this up. Number 1: Dragonball Evolution (back then it was just Dragon Ball) Yeah, his number 1 choice was the live-action Hollywood adaptation of Dragon Ball. This made me think Bores is possibly brain-damaged. “Finally, 6 years of rumors…” 6 years? Did the rumors really start in 2002? “It’s nice to see this finally get the live-action treatment, because the story of Dragon Ball is a piece of literary genius” Wha… buh… ugh. What’s genius about Goku patting people on the crotch, energy blasts, perverted old men, planets blowing up, power levels, and the idea of “Oh don’t worry, we can just revive him”? You want some actual genius manga? Read Fist of the North Star, Berserk, Monster, One Piece, Jojo’s Bizarre Adventure, and Hunter X Hunter. I’m not saying Dragon Ball is bad, but calling it “genius” is pushing it. Unless you read Journey to the West, the story Dragon Ball was based on. He also mentions that the hardcore “fanatics” are pissed about some of the choices being made (and rightfully so, because producers have this habit of taking cherished childhood icons and crushing them into piss-poor dust) “With a series that spans 400 episodes, it’s unavoidable”. You expect them to fit ALL of Dragon Ball and DBZ into a 90 minute movie? This man calls himself a filmmaker. I’ll let that sink in. “They got this guy playing Goku” Okay, what’s his name? “This guy playing Piccolo" What about his? Come on, give us some actual names. He brings up how Ernie Hudson was signed on and he’ll likely play Mr. Popo. I hope this is only his prediction, I really hope Dragon Ball fans weren’t that racist to consider this. By the way, Mr. Popo isn’t in the movie. You know, if Bores really was a Dragon Ball fan, he wouldn’t be excited for this movie. Anyone can tell you it will suck, and guess what? Audience says: My God it’s horrible! So that was his first foray into movie reviews. It goes to show why I constantly criticize his taste in movies, he only likes big-budget blockbusters with a lot of effects and very little substance. Sure, he does review something worth watching but most of the time it’s soulless. Not to mention, being excited for Dragonball Evolution should qualify someone as legally retarded. After the Top 10 List, Bores released a short video called “Rice Krispanese”. A mockumentry exploring the new language of Rice Krispanese. It’s unbelievably stupid. That’s all I’ll say. Okay, I will mention that it has some bad photoshops and one of the worst Jerry Seinfeld impressions I’ve ever heard. That’s about it. Yeah this is the only place I could talk about this unfunny shit dropping of a video. *checks GottGame for latest E3 crap* Well he talks about Donkey Kong Country Returns and Kirby’s Epic Yarn, and a while back he said Nintendo would be last. That means IT’S ALMOST OVER! Woooo! The next Redux Recap will be Contra Part 3, I'll get to it eventually.