An HD Shine Can't Hide This Historically Rotten Writing

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… I wasn’t going to cover this. I thought I didn’t need to after the first HD revision. I was soooooo wrong.

For those that don‘t know, Chris Bores had this desire to revise his early History of Videos Games episodes in HD. His reason? Putting it on a DVD/Blu-Ray. Look, if you put out a DVD titled “History of Video Games” and it doesn’t even cover the Atari 2600, people are going to feel ripped off. They can possibly sue you for false advertising.
Sure, you can argue only fans will buy it, but there’s the chance that someone who doesn’t know who he is will buy it. Not only will they feel cheated, they’ll get this horribly unfunny and incredibly inaccurate DVD that seems to care more for silly jokes than actual information. Chris, quit pretending this is a fucking documentary. Why do you think nobody takes you seriously?
Also, what’s the point? You could invest that time in something else. Like finishing your stupid story arc, or doing further episodes of this pointless documentary. It’s a waste.

The reason I wasn’t going to cover it isn’t that I didn’t want to, it’s that I thought I didn’t need to. Last year, he released Part 1 in HD, and there were very very very few changes. He wore a different shirt in one scene, the timing on the “How come this stuff never happens to Captain Kirk” joke was a little less awkward (still wasn’t funny) and he took out the harsher profanity (“Holy fireballs of shit” became “Holy fireballs of crap” and “64? What the fuck?” was reduced to just “64?”). Other than that, the video was virtually unchanged, it was even the same length.

So, 20 months later, when he announced that the HD version of Part 2 was coming out, I brushed it off with no plans to do it. However, I noticed it was much shorter than the original version. Where the original was around 11 minutes long, this revision is only 7 minutes. That’s good right?
Well… the shorter length comes with a massive price. The video is waaaaay worse than the original. It takes the massive problems with the original and magnifies them tenfold. This… is not going to go well.

Before I start, what was wrong with the original? Unsurprisingly, there was plenty of research failure. It was so bad that the Odyssey’s creator, Ralph Baer, called him out on it (http://irategamersucks.blogspot.com/2011/03/ralph-baer-responds-no-chris-he-didnt.html). The review part was unbelievably botched, he spent the entire time comparing the 1970s console to modern standards, something NOBODY would do because that’s just plain idiotic. He included a story bit where the second player was the HAL 9000 from 2001: A Space Odyssey (Get it? Because both are called Odyssey? SO CLEVER!). Somehow it would tie into his Season 4 story arc, confusing people into wondering if History of Video Games was a separate series or not. Then there was the awful jokes, like Bores going to space to get a part from a Jawa action figure, or the dirty flash cards. It’s definitely a contender for worst History of Video Games episode (that or Part 4).

An optimist would think that this would be a good time for Bores to fix all the problems. … Let’s get started. If you want more info, check out the original post here: http://irategamersucks.blogspot.com/2009/10/odyssey-part-1-this-is-gonna-hurt.html

0:05 - 0:35:On the bright side, he didn’t include the “For over 35 years…” intro like the original.
He goes over the history bits, though this feels much more condensed before. He did add a lot of his modern stock footage, only it’s in black and white. He also put his Odyssey in a briefcase to represent Baer showing it off.

0:36 - 1:39: He describes what the Odyssey comes with (thankfully, he removed that “crude in design” remark) and gets to the part where he learns the video cable isn’t compatible with his TV.
“What the fuck is this?” Looks like the profanity is staying. Why he changed it for the first HD revision I don’t know. I’d say “family-friendly” but I’m doubting that at this point.
“Instead of a video cable that looks like this, or this, you end up with this!” Looks like he still doesn’t realize that something that’s 40 years old won’t work on modern televisions. He did remove the “what an ass-biter” line so I guess some profanity is gone.
More complaining about outdated cables then he looks in his “Intergalactic Phone Book” to find the part. Except here, he showed that he already has the part. So why does he need to do this upcoming bit?
I do find it funny how an “Intergalactic Phone Book” is about the size of a Sandusky, Ohio phone book.

Then it cuts to “half-way across the galaxy” and… a really pointless addition. We see IG in a vector-drawn spaceship. I think that’s meant to be the ship from “Spacewar” as it’s the same model shown in his Part 1 title card. By the way Chris, if this is intended for the DVD, you can’t have that John Williams music.
He lands on Tatoonie (and I’m convinced that planet from before was also from Star Wars, good luck dealing with Disney) and meets with the Jawa action figure. Again, you have the part, you didn’t need to do this bit. Hell, you didn’t need to do this bit the first time. It just feels like you did a Star Wars reference for the sake of doing a Star Wars reference. At least with HAL I can kind-of sort-of see why you put him in, but this… never made sense.
“Yeah, I don’t know what the hell they were thinking of either” … I’ll tell what the hell they were thinking of. They were thinking “Say, what do most televisions have, and how can we get our toy to properly function?” What’s that? They dare not take into account someone playing it 40 years in the future? Well no shit! They didn’t consider that video games would be what they are now, they didn’t plan ahead because they saw no reason to.

After that pointlessness, we get another new addition, this time IG crashes his ship into his ceiling and falls out. A fitting metaphor for this video.
He then hooks up his Odyssey… wait a second. That looks different from the cables he used last time. *checks* It is! Last time he used an RF cable, which wouldn’t work with the Odyssey. Here he uses the proper one. So… what was the footage he had last time?

1:40 - 1:56: “Here’s a fast fact” Something about that line just irritates me. I think it’s because it reminds me of those really cheesy educational shorts they would show you in school with the kids that couldn’t act and the adults with scenery in their teeth.
He then says his incorrect fact about the game being in the Odyssey rather than the cards.

1:57 - 2:54: He brings up how the Odyssey turns on when you plug a card into it. Then… dramatic music starts playing for some reason. Umm, why? Does he know HAL is on it and doesn’t want to get hurt? Because that wouldn’t make sense from a continuity standpoint.
“LET THERE BE LIFE” … It’s a toy. A really old toy. There’s no life in it. Unless you meant to say “light”. If you did… second takes are your friend. Unless… crap he’s doing the HAL thing again isn’t he?
Yes he is, because bad electric effects cover his Odyssey and go into his TV.
“Hello Dave” *sighs* You know, I’m fairly certain HAL can say other names outside of David Bowman’s. He’s supposed to be an ultra-intelligent computer, so it wouldn’t make sense for him to call everyone “Dave”. But it only goes to show what a hack Chris really is, and that he’s probably never actually seen 2001. Or if he has, he didn’t get through it.

By the way, his HAL impression somehow got worse. No idea how that happened.
Oh, and he tries to justify this bad plot device by saying he has a “SUPER-RARE” Odyssey. Yeah, if you’re trying to be a “serious” documentary, it’s best not to make up shit like this.
Blah blah blah, HAL will be his opponent. He moves to the first game “Table Tennis” (or Tabletop Tennis as he calls it but whatever).

2:55 - 3:31: I don’t know what it is, but this footage looks kind of fake. Might just be my imagination.
He goes over the controls, and notes how one of the knobs puts a little spin into the ball. Then a bad joke where he spins it “right out of the game”. Just because you can do effects, doesn’t mean you should. Most of his jokes seem to rely on “Look what I can do with After Effects!”
Blah blah blah glitches.

3:32 - 4:04: He gets into the overlays, brings up the Hockey and Football games (the latter he didn’t mention last time) and then begins reviewing Skiing game. Not much here.

4:05 - 4:33: He explains the game, but then says you’ll likely die of boredom before finishing it. Showing him falling over “dead”. Then he goes on to compare the game… Candyland. What? How? Because of the trees. *looks at the Candyland board (http://www.lscheffer.com/CandyLand.jpg)* What the fuck are you seeing? He specifically mentions Peppermint Forest and Gumdrop Mountains, but those are pink candy canes and bright-colored gumdrops. Not. Green. Trees.
In fact, that mountain has a Triforce in it. Wasted Zelda reference!
“I thought this was supposed to be a video game, not a board game”. Video games did not exist in 1972, think of the Odyssey more as a board game that’s played on a TV. Oh wait, you can’t because you’re too ignorant to put yourself in the right mindset.
Then to further establish this is revision, he does one of his “character slides in from his right (our left)” jokes. This time it’s Mr. Mint from Candyland, and wow that’s an ugly drawing. Maybe you shouldn’t have burned DatBoiDrew that badly.

4:34 - 5:08: He moves onto Simon Says, and proceeds to do the same dreadful joke he did last time.
“Simon says penis?” It still bugs me how much time and effort he took for those cards just for this awful, awful joke. Why? Why not put that time in something worthwhile? Instead you waste it creating adult-themed flashcards for a game that’s intended for kids. What the fuck man?
This time he doesn’t say “masturbation hand”, and throws the cards in the air after seeing “vagina”.

5:09 - 5:39: He starts talking about the Roulette game, and does things differently here. This time he uses the chips on the board to make bets. He loses the first one and decides to put everything on a second bet. He pushes the button and lands on 6.
“Nine?!” … What? Are you kidding me?
“There’s not even a 9 on the damn board!” Oh God… you seriously made the same mistake. What is wrong with you?
No, this is not a joke. Despite his claim, this is clearly not a joke! This just makes him look like a complete moron! I’ll admit, I’m terrible at math, but even I can tell the difference between a 6 and a 9!
And to make this worse, the first number he landed on was 18, which is right next to the 6, and he even calls out “18”. How… what… aksld;fjasl;kdjsadfkl;fl;
Please, explain to me how THIS is a joke! Because I don’t see it! Gaaaah!

5:39 - 6:40: He brushes aside a few games that got more attention in the original video, then plays the States game so he can yell at Magnavox for thinking this could be fun. Oh man, it’s almost over!
He goes over additional games that were sold separately and how they use board games combined with the screen. He calls them too complicated, then a scene of HAL talking. You know, I remember him being excited about the all new games he had for this. Figures they would only get 5 seconds of screen time.

The video ends with IG bringing the Odyssey Light Rifle. Oh yeah, I forgot to mention. There was a second part to this, a Part 2B. This one going over the Light Rifle. I have a feeling he did that to make himself look better than the AVGN, who didn’t cover it in his Odyssey video. For all I care, he could take another 20 months to make the HD revision of that.

It’s… astonishing. Bores somehow made a video worse than the original. I’m just baffled by this. He claims on Facebook that in the original the “flow” didn’t feel right. There’s no flow to be had, especially when you do cutaway gags ALL THE TIME, or spend a minute pretending to be a bunch of horses. That is, if he’s claiming each part is supposed to transition to the next like a real documentary. Either way… he’s a hack and this video just annoyed the hell out of me.

Well, it’s almost December. Think he’ll do anything worthwhile, or will this be the last video of the year outside of some rushed Neo videos and contests. The latter sounds more likely knowing him.