Now I've Torn Apart Your Die Hard Review. Ho Ho Ho.

Wow,  I didn’t think we’d get an actual Irate Gamer video this early in the year. Only four months since the last one too.
It also doesn’t help that he’s done almost nothing this year. That New Super Mario Bros. 2 video was so damn lazy.

So, what game is he going to look at this time? Die Hard. … Okay, let’s not jump to conclusions  Maybe he’ll talk about the Sega Saturn port of Die Hard Arcade, which is really just a dolled-up version of a Japanese game called Dynamite Deka. Or maybe it’s the PS1 “Die Hard Trilogy” games. Or maybe it’s Die Hard: Vendetta on Gamecube.
*reads video title* No… he makes it explicitly clear that it’s the NES game. Make your own assumptions.

I do have to give Bores some credit though, the timing is perfect. A new Die Hard movie (A Good Day to Die Hard) comes out next week, and it’s so weird to see Bores ever be this timely on something. You know, it kind of reminds me back when Live Free or Die Hard came out, and we saw a review from…… Ergh. Make your own assumptions.

*reads description* He gives a special thanks to “ricardo” (all lower-space) for a fan made IG intro. He actually accepted some fan made content and used it in a video? That’s shocking.

Let’s get through this. Yippie-ki-yay motherfucker!

0:00 - 0:17: Let’s see what “ricardo” did for the intro.
Blind Pass is back and… it’s exactly like his old intro. Right down to the video opening with TMNT Arcade. The type of intro that Bores could have put together had he spent some time compiling clips. I was expecting something animated, or something that uses effects, maybe a remix of the theme, or anything but a new version of his old intro. I can’t believe I’m saying this, but Karbia’s intro had more thought put into it.

0:18 - 0:34: The video opens with IG in a jacket, telling us about the new Die Hard movie coming out soon, leading him to look at the NES game.
He looks to R.O.B. for confirmation ,who decides to exit stage right. At least he bailed out before this could go to shit. Maybe he’ll go find himself a voice.

0:35 - 1:14: He begins the game and right off the bat complains how the game doesn’t tell you why you’re on the 32nd floor. He notes that unless you saw the “R-Rated movie” as a kid, then you wouldn’t know why. I don’t know, plenty of parents probably showed Die Hard to their young kids. Hell, when I was around 6 or 7 I saw  Terminator 2 and was playing Mortal Kombat all day.

He brings up how the enemies fire a ton of bullets.
“Why do I get the feeling this game is going to flip my shit later” You know, this is starting to feel like his old stuff. Here he said “flip my shit” and earlier he said “buddy” in an over-exaggerated manner. Plus, no signs of his storyline (outside of R.O.B. but that’s nothing). … This is going to be a trainwreck isn’t it?

1:15 - 1:44: He notes that you need to kill 40 crooks to win, and that when you’re down to 3 you can save the hostages.
He puts a number counter in the corner of his set starting at 39. He dies at 34 and it resets, causing him to drop an f-bomb. I’ve given up figuring out if he wants a family show or not.

1:45 - 2:14: He brings up that you can find radios to find out about the safecracking and how the game is on a time limit. He runs out of time and lets out a big “Nooooo”. Not bad, you’re getting kind of better.
But then the voiceover chimes in and tells IG “that hasn’t happened yet”. Okay, this whole “the narrator is a separate person” thing is really dumb. It’s like he wants to do one of those “bounce jokes off yourself” things but is  too lazy to film himself twice.

2:15 - 2:53: IG arrives at the elevator and tries going down to the 30th floor, but the game won’t let him for obvious reasons. He goes up to the 33rd floor and continues killing enemies. His corner counter goes down with… Final Fantasy IX (?) sound effects. How odd, especially since that’s the sound used in the menus, not countdowns.
He dies again and his counter goes from 29 to 40. He’s got one more of these left before Rule of Three kicks in. *looks at video time* Jeez, there’s still at least five minutes left.

2:54 - 3:33: He starts over again and we get more of the same, IG killing crooks. We then get a “boss fight” with Fritz and… he goes down easily. Hang on, why is the footage all zoomed in. Is he trying to hide his health bar?
No it goes down on the 34th floor. Huh…
He kills more and he’s down to 19. There’s really nothing going on here, he’s just describing what’s happening. He hasn’t mentioned anything about the controls, the graphics, the sound, comparisons to the movie. It’s more like a really condensed Let’s Play.

3:34 - 4:02: He prepares to go to the next floor when we get another “boss fight”, this time with Marco.
IG kills him but loses a lot of health. He goes to find some… “first aid juice”. His words not mine. Also, I’m pretty sure the healing items in this game are cans of soda, not juice.
However, in his search for health, he falls out the window and loses. His corner counter goes from 15 to 40. Rule of Three, anymore and you will mutilate the “joke”. It’s not really a joke, it’s just Bores reacting in comical ways to his imaginary counter resetting.

4:03 - 4:35: He goes over more of the game (like I said, it’s more like a condensed LP or walkthrough than a review), he notes a rocket that was left on the floor (oh hey, an actual observation) then gets to the roof where he has to radio the police.
IG then attempts a bunch of references to other movies/TV the actors have been in.
“We now have Carl Winslow helping out to save the hostages from Professor Snape before John McClane starts seeing dead people” The last part is accompanied by a picture of the zombies from Michael Jackson‘s Thriller. Ooooh so close. You seem to have forgotten that it wasn’t Bruce Willis that saw dead people, it was Haley Joel Osment. Bruce Willis was one of the ghosts. Also, they weren’t zombies, they were ghosts.
Also, if you wanted to consistent, you should have called Bruce Willis a different character. Like Butch Coolidge (Pulp Fiction), Korban Dallas (The Fifth Element), John Hartigan (Sin City), David Addison Jr. (Moonlighting) or hell, his character in The Sixth Sense, Dr. Malcolm Crowe.
You almost had a reference there, but you botched it. Go back to start.

4:36 - 5:02: IG brings up that sometimes, Sgt. Al Powell (he calls him Carl from Family Matters but I’m going with the movie) radios in to report on more enemies.
While he crawls through the air ducts, he gets another radio call. I get the feeling this will lead to another bad Rule of Three joke.
He finds some enemies and says it’s time to “Die Hard”. Leave the cheesy one-liners to the pros.

5:03 - 5:42: He finds the express elevator and as he goes down, Powell radios him again. I feel like he edited that in for his joke. He makes it to the 4th floor and remembers back to a map he got for the 5th floor and starts getting angry that there’s actually no 5th floor. It could have easily been a typo. 4 and 5 are next to each other.
“This is like taking a shit in your Lucky Charms and calling it a marshmallow!” A food joke? This really does feel like one of his old reviews. Also, I thought Lucky Charms were already ruined?

He complains about the typo some more and his corner counter goes down a bit, and then goes down to 14. So the counter is sentient now?

5:43 - 6:17: He moves on and fires the rocket launcher, which somehow hits him as well. Again, I’m surprised he hates Michael Bay.
He notes this adds more time to the safe-cracking and he continues killing more enemies. He gets another radio message from Powell (Rule of Three) and he edits in John throwing the radio really far. These jokes are about as lame as Die Hard’s TV edits.

6:18 - 6:34: He brings up the bomb’s detonators, then it cuts to him and he announces he’s getting a text. Wait, his text alert is the Duck Hunt music? That seems overly long, I would save that for a phone call. The text is from Sgt. Powell telling him about bad guys. The joke is now mutilated, congratulations you unoriginal idiot. Also, the text says it’s from “Carl Winslow”. Look, I know he played both characters but could you at least bother to get his name right when doing “jokes” like this?
Then he unpauses the game with Mario’s pause sound. ENOUGH OF THAT! Not every game has Mario’s pause sound. You’re really reminding me of TV shows that use Atari noises over modern games. You know, shows written by people that clearly never played a video game. For someone trying to look like a big gamer, being on that level is really sad.

6:34 - 6:54: He proceeds to move on when Hans tells his lead henchmen Karl to get the detonators. He also pronounces “cavalry” incorrectly.
Karl arrives but then IG gets another text from Sgt. Powell saying he’ll be there in a second.
“Not you Carl, the other Karl” Your attempt at this joke only infuriates me. You only needed to bring up that he was Carl Winslow ONCE. But nooo you keep hammering it in and hammering it in. Why not do an Urkel joke while we’re at it? Oh right because….. *stays silent*

6:55 - 7:21: He kills Karl and manages to kill all but 3 crooks. He makes it to an elevator  to get to floor 30 but accidentally drops a C4 explosive and kills himself. You could’ve gotten out of the way you know, unless the controls locked up for some reason. See, this is why you need to explain design, mechanics, control. Not give a half-assed walkthrough and complain the game is hard and that Sgt. Powell calls you a lot.
His corner counter resets and he has an over-the-top reaction. Yet another joke mutilated, I swear it’s like he only had two jokes for this entire video and kept using them again and again.

The review ends with Bores making it to the 30th floor (probably with some Game Genie) and killing Hans, with another Sgt. Powell interrupting him joke. Yeah I’m certain that was edited in, especially when the screen says “35th floor” and the only enemy left is Hans. God damn it Bores.
He beats the game and gets indignant that Sgt. Powell “steals the spotlight”. Well, he did shoot Karl, which was part of his character arc, he couldn’t draw a gun on anyone after accidentally shooting a 13 year old kid. Did you even watch the movie? Considering you didn’t even bring up Hans Gruber, or that one of the hostages is John’s estranged wife Holly. Then again he uses a clip in the next scene, maybe he didn’t pay attention to the movie?

IG then takes the game and throws it so hard he… blows up Nakatomi Plaza. … You know, after the Ubisoft video, you shouldn’t be allowed to make anymore “jokes” about blowing up buildings.
Also, he somehow threw it from Sandusky, Ohio to Los Angeles, California. I don’t give a shit, the video is over.
Except for one more use of the “text from Sgt. Powell” joke, but it’s wacky because IG is in the bathroom. Har har fuck this was awful.

This wasn’t a review, this was just a condensed walkthrough. He said NOTHING about the game outside of “it’s hard”. How were the controls? How were the graphics? No mention of how the game is surprisingly close to the movie plot-wise? Minus the whole “40 crooks” thing. You could have mentioned that? No mention of how walking on glass slows you down? This was terrible.

A positive though? No storyline bullshit. On the other hand, this means it will take even longer for his stupid storyline to end. Whatever happens, we suffer either way.