DuckTales Review: About as Fun as Actually Diving Into a Pool of Gold Coins

Ha! It’s Saturday and Chris didn’t post anything new yesterday! First week and he couldn’t even keep his promise. Chris can never commit to anything can- *gets message from informant* A Facebook update?
*reads* Apparently, he was just having YouTube issues as it took forever to upload. It’s up now. Also the post references Kirby because of his belief that “if me not reference games, people not think me gamer”, even though the random references make him sound more like a poser than anything.

So, what was the intended Friday video? An actual Irate Gamer episode. That was fast. I kind of figured after he posted that teaser video, it would be at least two weeks before he said anything about the returning episode.
After 11 months, what game has he decided to return with? DuckTales on NES. … HOLD IT!
Are you serious? DuckTales is one of the most beloved NES games of all time. It’s one of the standard counterpoints to “every licensed game is bad”. When the Remastered version from Wayforward was announced, people were overjoyed, but also fearful that they could ruin this game (which they didn’t).
Oh god, this is going to be like Contra and Aladdin all over again isn’t it?

Alright, let’s check out the “Season 5” premiere.

*takes a look at the description*
“Reviews are always filled with tons of jokes and skits.” … This is going to hurt.

Theme song: Nothing much has changed here. He still uses that same TMNT Arcade clip. He added a shot of the “team” in the Megazord, and his name is accompanied by an explosion now. For someone that hates Michael Bay… eh I’ve done this joke before.

0:17 - 1:27: IG’s justification for reviewing this game? The new show coming in two years. Or you could not review it because it’s actually a good game.
Of course he pulls the “it’s a classic that I played as a kid” card. Yeah, that didn’t save you with Contra, it’s not going to save you here.
He mentions the stages can be played in any order.
He starts on the Amazon. He lists off the enemies, and mentions how the bees can knock you off small platforms. Causing him to die already.
“This game just started and you want me to get irate already?” I’m placing this up there as one of the most forced lines he’s ever spoken. You could just feel the awkwardness hit you after he finishes it.

He runs into Launchpad who offers him a ride back to the mansion. IG complains that he’s busy trying to finish the level and calls him a clueless idiot. I really don’t understand his issue with Launchpad.
Also, he’s there to take you back in case you revisit the level after you beat it. You can do that in this game. I know you’re like DSP in that you refuse to go 100% and just scrub through games as fast as possible for money, but you’re trying to review it here. Show a bit of effort.
After leaving Launchpad, the giant boulder attacks him. He plays the Indiana Jones theme (YAY more copyrighted content that he’ll be too lazy to remove from the DVD!) and oh wow his gameplay is terrible. He just runs into the vines and doesn’t try to bounce on them. Causing the boulder to hit him. This is met with IG’s fake “AAGH” screaming while he “Winter Games” the controller to death. WHY DO YOU STILL DO THAT? Learn to press buttons properly!

1:27 - 2:57: Afterwards, he runs into the statue where he has to pay $300,000 to get out of the room. This leads to a very pointless Star Trek reference. What does Star Trek have to do with DuckTales? ……… FAMILY GUUUUUUUUUY!
His Star Trek V reference fails, leading to some pointless editing where the statue turns red and yells at him. Bores, you can easily get out of this room by pogo-ing off the native (which is in the footage) and reaching the vine above. Can you not see the vine?
But no, he returns to the hub mansion and goes back to collect the money all over again. With more terrible gameplay as he runs into every enemy, not even trying to avoid them.
He reaches the statue again, and tries to pay despite clearly not having enough money. He asked for $300,000, and IG has $274,000. Oh and surprise surprise, Bores figures out you can get out pogo-ing off the native’s head. THIS WAS A WASTE OF TIME!

Of course this means “anger” from IG as he backtracked from the beginning for nothing. You know, for someone that supposedly “played” this game as a kid, you really don’t seem to understand how it works.
This leads to a long string of bleeped cursing. It’s not funny when you regularly curse uncensored, it’s only funny when there’s minimal cursing and it comes out of nowhere. If you’re meant to be “angry” and you have to censor yourself, you’re doing it wrong.
There’s an edit where Scrooge and Dewey’s eyes widen at the cursing, then IG goes back to the statue room and “destroys” it by pogo-ing on it with editing tricks. Notice how the timer goes 331 330 331 330 331 330. Of course it dies in a fake explosion.

2:58 - 3:37: He brings up that Dewey gives a tip, that using the cane can kill the boss. He sarcastically tells off the fact that the game needs to tell people that the cane can be used as a weapon. Considering how dumb people are when they play games, this doesn’t surprise me. Remember Chris, you couldn’t figure out that you can shoot straight in Home Improvement, oh and just now you couldn’t figure out that pogo-ing off the native’s head would bypass the statue!
He defeats the Amazon boss and gets the treasure. IG calls it the sceptre from Super Mario Bros 3. First off, it looks nothing like the sceptre from Super Mario Bros 3. Second, it’s actually called the Sceptre of the Incan King.
Oh that was only to lead to a pointless joke where Scrooge falls from the level a/la Super Mario Bros 3 and lands in the king’s throne room. The sprite work is dreadful, Scrooge looks blurry edited into the completely different game. People call this quality?

3:38 - 4:52: He heads to Transylvania next.
He likes all the “trick” things like the teleporting mirrors and fake walls. He calls the mine cart wheels “trick rims” cause of how they spin. … Is this an attempt at appealing to young people? I don’t think young people even care about “rims” these days. Either way, it wasn’t funny.
It’s his favorite level because it reminds him of Castlevania, he likes the enemies, and makes a terrible “marriage” joke with the mummies having ball & chains attached to their ankles. If this was a comedy club, I’d be booing.
He runs into Webby, who tells him that Huey has been kidnapped. He notes that he already found Dewey, but then this launches into another “joke” where he lists off a bunch of fake nephews, ending on “Chop Suey”, which is just a picture of a can of La Choy chop suey (can they sue if this is on the DVD?). Uggggggggh, this is pain. WHAT IS THE JOKE IN THIS?
Not to mention, this is only the second level he visited, and he’s splicing in the fake nephews in the other three he hasn’t gone to.
And like the “Scrooge in Mario 3” scene, the fake nephews are just as blurry. Why is the sprite work so bad this time around?

He finds Huey being held hostage by a Beagle Boy, and he kills him in one shot.
“Well that was anticlimatic” CLI-MAC-TIC! There’s a “ka” sound in the middle!
He brings up that the Beagle Boy respawns and he doesn’t bother saving Huey again, calling him a “loser”. How nice.
He reaches the boss, Magica De Spell, IG calls her “Scrooge’s most infamous enemy”. I thought that was Flintheart Glomgold? You know, the rich duck that’s more of an asshole than Scrooge?

4:53 - 5:27: He heads to the African Mines next, but can’t progress because he needs the key in Transylvania. Probably should have explored the level a bit more Chris.
He finds the key and goes back, goes through a bit, finds a secret wall that he calls “something out of Super Mario Bros”. He adds text saying “Welcome to Warp Zone!” in case people didn’t get it.
He runs into Mrs. Beakley who drops health-restoring ice cream, which IG calls “making it rain”. Leading to Bores overlaying “rap sounding music” and exclaiming “Yeah baby give me those snacky cakes!” …. Urrrrgh. How much longer?

5:27 - 6:12: He notes that the African Mines level has two routes to the boss. One being a shortcut that involves pogo-ing on enemies. Well, the same is true for the Amazon level. You can actually bypass the statue entirely and find a warp right to the boss. Just saying…
It’s kind of weird how he was acting clueless before, but then brings up this shortcut like he knew all along. You can’t have it both ways Chris.
After he beats the boss, he heads to the Himalayas (with a pointless snow effect). He notes the snow effecting his pogo-ing, complains about the spiders (be patient and pogo them when they’re down, don’t run into them), and complains about Launchpad some more. Seriously, what is your issue with him? He’s just there to take you back in case you revisit this level AFTER YOU BEAT THE BOSS! This is getting redundant.
“Not scalivant all over the world with you” Is that even a word? I believe you mean “gallivant”

6:12 - 6:49: Apparently he hates Launchpad so much, he wants to “get off world”, this bad segue leading into The Moon.
He explains the objective (finding the key and the remote for Gizmoduck) but he keeps dying. Both times shown being entirely his fault. Gid gud m8.
He finally reaches the wall that Gizmoduck destroys and defeats the giant rat boss. IG doesn’t understand why the green cheese treasure has any value. Look up “The Moon is made of green cheese” to understand why this has value.

6:50 - 7:52: He reaches the end where all the treasures are stolen and he has to get them back. The final level being a revisit of Transylvania, which angers IG because they’re recycling stuff. Fine, but his next point is dumber. He complains that the final boss isn’t a recognizable character, but an original one called Dracula Duck. Why is this a problem now? The only boss in the game that’s from the show is Magica De Spell, all the others are original.
EDIT: Turns out that there's another boss from the show. The African Mines boss is the Terra-Firmie King from the episode "Earth Quack". Thank you John Pannozzi for this info. Either way, 4 out of 6 bosses are original.
By the way, he leads into his point about the final boss with a “YOU THINK THAT’S BAD?” … Yeaaaaaaaah…..
He complains that Dracula Duck takes too long to kill as he takes too long to release the bats needed to gain height to pogo his head. He showcases this by recycling the same clip. Seriously, watch the timer in the corner. It resets after it cuts away to him. Why am I thinking of Super Mario Bros. 2 all of a sudden?

The video ends with Bores defeating Dracula Duck and learning that Magica De Spell and Flintheart Glomgold were behind it all. He wins the game, and complains about the ending where Scrooge congratulates the Nephews and brings up Dewey’s tip from the Amazon again. Why does THAT of all things bother you? It really feels like he was fishing for complaints.
He says “to hell with this game” and calls for Launchpad… huh? Then the NES Launchpad sprites flies in, Bores grabs onto his rope and they leave… dumb.
Also, Launchpad calls him “Mr. McG”. Huh? I know he called Scrooge “Mr. McD”, but that’s because his name was McDuck. Why “McG?” As in McGamer? That’s stupid! Why not just Mr. B, or if you’re so dedicated to “Gamer’ being your name, Mr. G. Don’t be stupid Chris.
Oh it’s not completely over. There’s another bit where IG and Launchpad are in the clouds and IG asks where he’s taking him. … Jokes? Hello?

Good lord was that awful!
Bores has not improved in the slightest. If anything he might be worse.
The jokes made no sense at all. Everything was fucking random, or a pointless reference. Why did we need a Star Trek V reference of all things?
The review aspect might have been worse. So much god damn reaching for flaws. Who cares if Dracula Duck isn’t from the show? Any problems with the “difficulty” is all on you Chris, this game is fairly easy. The closest he has to a point is recycling Transylvania for the last level. Something that the Remastered version fixed.
At no point does he mention the music, one of the best parts of the game. How do you review DuckTales and NOT bring up the music?
This is an insult to the game, and the DuckTales franchise in general.

Can’t wait to see what stupid shit Bores has planned for Monday.