A Review Straight from Hades Himself. Use the Great Sacred Treasure Pit!

I think Chris has no idea how his own gimmick is supposed to work.
The idea behind the “caustic critic” is that they look at material that’s bad, and mock it.
Essentially “this game/movie/music is bad, let me show and tell you why it’s bad”.
Going by DuckTales and this video, Chris has now resorted to “I’m angry all the time, here’s a random game for me to make fun of and do stupid sketches. It doesn’t matter if it’s an actual bad game or a legitimate classic.”
At this point, he cares more about inserting random Family Guy-esque sketches instead of trying to actually critique the game. But the other side of the coin is just as bad. He knows that he knows nothing about games, almost everyone knows he knows nothing about games, and he can’t actually do a proper critique as he would expose himself as an even greater fraud.
All he can do now is appeal to the 11 year olds that find his randomness funny. Because his “new” fans sure as hell aren’t watching considering how little views he gets. Oh, but they’ll be back when he makes another video badmouthing James Rolfe.

It’s a new IG episode, this time covering Kid Icarus on the NES.
… Why?
What I don’t get is that Chris put this in his Top 5 NES Games list waaaay back in 2008. He even did a “fuck the haters” bit when he admitted he uses Game Genie. Now suddenly this game deserves to be bashed? You make no sense!

I haven’t even started the video, and the description is already annoying me.

“Kid Icarus is one of my personal nostalgic classics and for this episode, we are going to tear it apart!” Yeah, this proves to me he doesn’t understand how this works.
“Hard? Yes. Unfair? Absolutely! Biased review? You can expect no less!” Oh that’s a great sign, when you outright admit this review will be biased. You might as well tell people “Don’t watch the video because I have an agenda!” You’re no better than Polygon.
“Sorry Kiddies, this one has bad words, it's not for you.” … Fuck you. Quit trying to pretend you’re family friendly. You’re not, you never were, and you never will be. Also, PewDiePie has shown me that parents don’t care if their pre-teen kid watches someone curse while playing games. Personally I feel those parents should be disallowing their kids to watch him, but that’s a different can of worms.

10 minutes… bracing for pain.

0:17 - 0:33: The video MOTHERFUCKER GOT A PIT AMIIBO! You better have paid out the ass for that! If any of your stupid little fans gave it to you… agh.
Anyway, because Nintendo “recently” (more like four months ago) released the Pit amiibo, he feels that’s a good time to review Kid Icarus. That is REALLY flimsy justification. I know you don’t need a justification to review a game, but that is terrible.
Blah blah nostalgia but hard. Then a part where he looks at the Kid Icarus poster on his wall.

0:34 - 1:04: IG says that if you play this, you can’t just bring your “A-Game”, with a giant red letter A next to him. Thanks Chris, I’m pretty sure we know what the letter A looks like.
“You better bring your Triple A-Game!” No! No AAA gaming! Oh wait, he meant something else…
While he’s saying all this, we get a shot of IG doing his absolute worst “Winter Gaming”. He looks like he’s fucking dancing. NOBODY PLAYS GAMES LIKE THIS CHRIS! WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
He says something with “50 shades” in it. Trust me, you do NOT have that audience. Or maybe people find it funny because “hur hur it’s something in real life!”

And because this video needed to be 10 minutes long for some reason, we get a montage. Lots of death interspliced with IG doing his awkward “angry rawrs”. Until he eventually sticks a fork into an electrical socket and kills himself. I’d say video over if I didn’t just say this was 10 minutes long.

1:05 - 1:30: He then consults the instruction manual. Reading those again? I thought… never mind. He already contradicted that with his Home Improvement review, so of course he’s going to keep doing it.
He goes over the story, how Medusa took over Angel Land, claiming it was to “piss off every gamer that tries to play this game”. *cough*
He notes the enemy list and wonders how a “game intended for kids” allowed the picture of the Syren enemy (with exposed blue breasts). IG… puts the manual in his pocket and says “save that for later”. … Gross gross gross gross gross.

1:31 - 3:36: Onto the game itself.
He goes over how you start in the Underworld and make your way up to Medusa’s Palace. Including footage of the final boss fight. I love how the Game Genie use is obvious with 999 Hearts. I know he admitted it before in his Top 5 video, but it’s still funny.
He mentions how the upward stages allow you to walk left and end up the right, and that enemies can do this to. When an enemy does this, he throws his controller to the left, and it hits him from the right side. Without a cord. I know this is actually something in the game, but didn’t he already do this joke in Temple of Doom?
He then brings up how the platforms disappear below as you climb up, which adds to the difficulty. He demonstrates this with a Love Tester showing “Medium, Hard, Harder”. Followed by more deaths.

Lots of enemies, he mentions the Reaper. For some reason he calls the Reaper a “she”, and that “she” summons her “death babies”. You do realize that’s NOT a woman right? I know some works of fiction portray Death as a woman (Neil Gaiman’s Sandman being one of the best), but it’s pretty clear that this version of the Reaper isn’t meant to be a woman. Hell, it’s not really meant to be a man either. It doesn’t really have a set gender.
Anyway, the Reapettes are summoned, and says these “little turds will fuck you up”. I see he’s still inconsistent with leaving in f-bombs or just bleeping them.
Then a bunch of deaths. Notice that one of the deaths wasn’t caused by a Reapette, but by a Monoeye (the red enemies). Wrong take Bores?

More explaining, enemies drop hearts that act as currency, the doors can lead you to shops, he showcases some of the items (using his “patented green circles of no shit”)  and says the barrel just causes the shopkeeper to laugh at you. Uh no, the barrel is used to increase the number of Water of Life Bottles you can carry. Eight instead of one. Also, buying any expensive item will have the shopkeeper “laugh at you”. He’s laughing because you gave him a lot of hearts and is happy. Not because you bought a “worthless item”. The game’s hard, but it’s not a dick.
He mentions the other rooms that have enemies, endurance rounds, or “mystics” that give you power-ups. That “mystic” is actually Zeus.
The power-ups give Pit a green hue, and IG remarks that now he’ll “power-up green too”. … What? So he … turns into… what the fuck even is that? Is that one of the vegetables from VeggiesTales? Where is the sense?! I can’t say I expected that, I thought he would just turn his skin green again and pretend to be the Hulk.

3:37 - 5:32: He reaches the Boss Fortress. I forgot to mention earlier he did the Love Tester gag again, going from “Harder” to “Extremely Hard”. He does it again here, going up to “Shit Myself Hard”. Yeah, I’m counting that as a poop joke (the evergrowing list of them to contradict the fans claim of “he doesn’t do poop jokes”)
He lists off the enemies because that’s one of his methods of padding, calls the Uranos enemies “nightclub bouncers” HOLD ON! The Uranos enemies only show up in Skyworld, the third world. In fact, they only show up in the Skyworld Boss Fortress. Meaning he’s just mixing up the footage of the fortresses to try and make the first one sound harder than it really is. Why do you do this Bores? Being dishonest isn’t funny.
Anyway, he brings up the Eggplant Wizards and how they turn you into an Eggplant and that you need to see the Medic to cure yourself… Nothing wrong here.
He mentions the map, and that it doesn’t really work until you buy a torch or pencil. This leads to a “rule of three” joke that ends with him buying another barrel, and editing the text so the shopkeeper calls him a “sucker”. Again, why the dishonesty?

He reaches the first boss, Twinbellows, and gets angry that killing it requires 50 shots. He lists everything he has to do to get to that point. He just loves his lists doesn’t he? You know, the bosses are easier if you bothered to free the Centurions. They act as additional firepower during the boss fight. Press Select to equip a mallet, and smash the statues they’re sealed in. Why didn’t you do this?
He claims “Nintendo had no faith in players” because they provided passwords. Noooo, they provided passwords in case you turn off the game to do something else and want to continue where you left off. Just like its sister game Metroid.
He notes that some of these passwords are fun, listing off legit passwords but not actually telling us what they do. http://www.gamefaqs.com/nes/587380-kid-icarus/cheats You can read them there. He also gets the “ICARUS ANDTHE ARROWS FLYING” one wrong, swapping the last two words. Even though he puts the text on screen next to him. Smooooth.
Then stupid joke time. He enters in “KIDICA RUSISA SHITBU RGER!!” (Kid Icarus is a Shitburger) and gets attacked by Reapettes. You deserve that for bashing this game. By the way, I tested that out and the password does nothing. I did so because I know of “ENGAGE RIDLEY MOTHER FUCKER” and just wanted to make sure.

5:33 - 6:32: Jeez, this feels like it’s taking forever.
On Level 2, Bores says the game gets harder. With the Love Tester now at “Chop My Ass Off Hard”. You’re overdoing this gag Bores.
Also, the game actually gets easier after the Underworld. Especially now that you’re not going straight up and don’t have the risk of falling death. Sure you go back up in Skyworld, but you have a lot more powers by then.
There’s the ice physics, and the “snowball flinging assholes”. Ah, you mean the Snowmen? We then get a bit where IG has to look up what they’re called in the manual (uggggh let it go Danarchy, you already mentioned this) and sees they’re called … “Snowball Flinging Assholes”, with edited text so flippin’ obvious that I question how ANYONE CAN FIND THIS FUNNY THIS IS FUCKING STUPID GOD DAMN S:DILfjkkl;asdfjl;aksdfjklasjdfklpas;rt5jhkl;awejwtjafkl;awdfj
….
…
……..
Okay, I think I’m good now.

He gets past the Overworld levels to the Overworld Boss Fortress. More complaining about difficulty, then he reaches Hewdraw. Where he bitches that he needs to hit him 100 times. Get the Centurions! The mallets are there for a reason! How are you completely ignoring them? Is this like the Sheet in Aladdin where you purposely ignore it because for whatever ungodly reason you think it’s “funnier that way”? Because it’s not!
And we get the Love Tester again, now up to “You’re Fucking Kidding Me”. I agree, you have to be kidding me with this terrible video.

6:33 - 7:12: He reaches Skyworld.
What follows is an overly long sequence of IG jumping up small platforms with forced reactions. One of them doesn’t even make sense. He’s biting the nails on his right hand while pressing “Up” like he’s jumping. You don’t press Up to jump in this game, you press A, like most great games. Do you ever pay attention to how your stupid reactions look?
Of course, he dies after almost reaching the top. With another stupid reaction.

7:13 - 7:52: He reaches the Boss Fortress.
He complains that there’s too many Eggplant Wizards. This leads to a dumb bit where he says “Left Right Left Right Up Down Up Down” then says “B A Start” and the Contra intro plays with Bill and Lance’s heads replaced by eggplants. Not only is that not funny and completely pointless, he got the Konami Code WRONG. It’s Up Up Down Down Left Right Left Right B A (sometimes with Start). How could you forget this? Oh right, not a gamer. But even so he still did the Contra videos! Granted, he has stated in the past that he often forgets what games he covered… awful just awful.

Once again, he doesn’t free a single Centurion to help him fight the boss, Pandora. Who he calls a “he”. What is it with Chris being unable to identify gender in this game? He calls the Reapers women, and calls Pandora a man. I mean, I know she’s just a floating bubble but considering he has the instruction manual, he would know that they call her a goddess.

7:53 - 8:17: He reaches the final level. The Palace in the Sky.
This leads to a dumb joke where he explains that the level loops until you kill 50 enemies, and as he explains this his room is looping until he walks out into a cartoon world. WHAT IS THE POINT?! Why?! This feels like a complete waste of editing time! Who finds this funny?

The video ends with him reaching Medusa. He then complains that she’s too easy. OH SHUT THE FUCK UP! You spent the entire video crying about this game being too hard, and when you get a nice reprieve with the final boss, you complain! Jeez, this is like Aladdin all over again, only this game is actually hard. Oh and one more Love Tester bit where it goes below Medium to “Limp Dick Easy” HUR HUR HUR FUCKING HUR!
He claims she takes less time to kill than the “Grim Reaper Babies” No, you can kill those in one hit. If you want them to stop coming, you have to kill the Reaper itself. That only takes 10 hits with the basic weapon. Since you get upgrades…
Anyway, he reaches the ending. Which he calls “one last can of worms.” Why? What’s wrong with the ending? What stupid whiny nitpick do you have about it?
He goes over the endings, the three “bad” endings, the good, and the best ending. Notice how the quality of the best ending is waaay lower than the rest of the video. Making it pretty obvious that he took this clip from somewhere else. No credit at all. You know, you could just use a Password to get the right ending. Just saying…
I just noticed he calls Palutena a princess. She’s not a princess, she’s a goddess. Learn the difference.
So, what ending does IG get? The worst one. HAW HAW! This leads to the last Love Tester gag, going past the top to “Atomic Anal Explosion”. Charming… should I count that as a poop joke?
This leads to an extreme close-up of IG’s eyes as they catch fire. He then goes to his refrigerator, takes out an eggplant, throws the game onto the garage floor, and starts hitting it with the eggplant. I… don’t see how that hurts it. Especially when by the end of it, the game looks fine but the eggplant is in pieces. He then salutes the game for some reason. What? God this was stupid!

Okay since Bores won’t tell you how to get the best ending, here’s how. The ending is determined by how many stats you maxed out. If you get 999 Hearts, 5 Strength, 5 Levels, and every weapon in the game, you get the best ending. Seeing how Bores got the worst ending, he got none of that. Which is bizarre as he clearly had 999 Hearts… so he should have at least got the helmet ending. Is this just more shoddy editing to make the game look worse?

Oh my god that was fucking awful.
I swear, the only complaint he had was “it’s hard it’s hard it’s hard”. We know! But that doesn’t mean it’s bad. That doesn’t mean it’s deserving of that stupid eggplant ending.
It wasn’t funny, it wasn’t entertaining, it was infuriating. I just don’t get it.
The rest of the time was just describing what you do. Hell, he did the Boss Fortresses wrong considering he didn’t bother to free the Centurions. That’s what the mallets are for!

So is this going to be the new thing? Taking classic games and bashing them for stupid reasons? What demographic is that even for?
… No, the games are just a backdrop to what Bores really wants. Stupid sketches.

I don’t know if I’ll be able to watch Monday’s video… *collapses*