Kung-Fu Review: Like a Flying Kick to the Face Delivered by Jackie Chan

*week of October 12th goes by* No videos again. Feels like old times doesn’t it? Maybe ghosts haunted his hard drive or something stupid like that. Pfffft.

It’s the week of October 19th now, no idea why I’m checking his channel because he doesn’t post anything on Mon- There’s a new video up. What the hell?

Yeah, new video on a Monday. So much for schedules! It’s a regular IG review too.
With Halloween less than two weeks away, will Bores “grace” us with a themed review? Doesn’t look like it because the classic he’s going to bash this time is Kung-Fu on NES. Seriously?!
Maybe he’ll bring up all his “martial arts training” that he used to brag about back in 2008? I wonder if he used that to talk to ghosts somehow. Considering his claim that the E3 interviews he conducted were “practice” for that, anything is possible.

*reads description*
“Another Madcap episode of The Irate Gamer!” There’s that word again, “madcap”. Did you just lose your thesaurus? Well that shouldn’t be possible considering you have a working internet connection.
Heh, some good synonyms for “madcap” include “stupid, foolish, and thoughtless”. Now those are better words to describe your videos.
“This time we are taking a look at the classic video game, Kung Fu. Contains some classic homages to the cheesy kung fu movies.” I can already sense this will hurt… a lot.
“Be sure to subscribe, We've been Parapper the rapper free since 2007!” Okay first of all, it’s “PaRappa” not “Parapper”. Do some fucking research for once in your life. Second… what? Is that meant to be a reference to the first song with Chop Chop Master Onion? Maybe it’s a reference to something in the video? We’ll have to watch and see.

0:00 - 0:27: We open on a stock image of a temple, the very same one that Chris used in the video that announced his return (the one that’s currently auto-playing on his channel).
In fact for the first 16 seconds, it’s exactly like that video. Isn’t laziness fun?!
It changes up when the Legend of Zelda Old Man starts talking. That is not the voice I would have given him, way too deep and stern.
The Old Man pulls out Kung-Fu (with a Zelda sound effect). IG says he’s “up for the challenge” with purposely bad dubbing. Yep…

*insert intro here*

0:43 - 1:14: “Kung-Fu was one of the first video games where players could hone their martial arts skills” Ah yes, all two skills of “punching” and “kicking”. The game’s good, but it’s a launch title so it wasn’t very advanced.
“… couldn’t excape playing this…” What’s a second take Bores?
He explains the plot, that Mr. X kidnapped Thomas’ girlfriend Sylvia and to save her you have to get to the top floor of his temple (or dojo as he calls it, but I’m going by the game’s Wikipedia). He then wonders why Thomas won’t just rent a helicopter. Because we wouldn’t have a game, duh. Why doesn’t Mario just rent a helicopter and fly to World 8 herp derp derp?
Though he likely just said that so he could put in a pointless DuckTales reference (showing Launchpad flying Thomas to the top)
“Righty-o Mr. McT” There’s no “Mc” in his name! You really don’t seem to get why he called Scrooge “Mr. McD” do you?

1:15 - 1:39: He starts the game, kicks and punches enemies, gets annoyed because they have the “home-field advantage”, notes the Knife Thrower enemy, says something about “waking up early in the morning to kill (him) with a weapon” but then he gets killed by the first boss (the Stick Fighter). “He must wake up at sunrise!” You want a laugh track Bores? Then suddenly a random appearance from Foghorn Leghorn. What is the joke?

1:40 - 2:30:  He gets a game over, then the Old Man appears holding a stock image of a rice bowl (I love how he says these videos take a long time to edit) saying that his “ninja skills suck”. Uhh, Thomas isn’t a ninja, he’s a Kung-Fu master, those are completely different things. Considering this game is loosely based on the Jackie Chan movie “Wheels on Meals”, then Thomas is also a restaurant owner. I wonder if he’ll bring this up.
IG says to “give (him) a break” as he hasn’t played the game in 10 years. I thought you bought your NES collection in 2007? Oh right, I forgot he’s under the delusion he’s been playing these games for well over 20 years now.
Then the Old Man says “no excuses” and throws the rice bowl at him. That’s a plus, people treating Bores like crap in his own videos. Usually it’s the other way around.

He beats the first boss and moves on. He notes the addition of snakes and dragons, comments that he thought this was a dojo and not a zoo (blaaah), says the dragons are easy and that the snakes are hard as he has trouble kicking them. He dies to one, throws his controller, then plays a clip of Indiana Jones delivering his “Why did it have to be snakes?” line. Neat, random copyrighted material. It will fit nicely on the DVD, next to the one with all the Power Rangers footage.

He then notes one of the Exploding Confetti Balls (that’s what they are according to the Wiki), calls it a “fancy disco ball” and… gets killed by it. Okay, you did that on purpose. It’s not funny when you die on purpose.

2:31 - 3:06: “This animal farm” Sorry, not enough pig allegories.
He then brings up the Tom Toms (the short enemies) and calls them “Santa’s elves” (uggggggh) and asks if there’s Reindeer Games next. Then a herd of… Stantlers appear? Weird, I never thought I’d see a Pokemon in his videos, especially one that isn’t part of the original 151 that so many people hold up on a pedestal. Maybe he just looked up “reindeer sprites” and found those since it’s clear Bores isn’t a Pokemon fan at all.

He then reaches the second boss, the Boomerang Fighter.
“BOO-ER-RANGS?!” Pffft. I’m sorry, that’s what it sounded like to me. Completely skipping over the “M” sound.
He complains about this because he claims he to have seen a lot of kung-fu movies and has never seen someone use a boomerang. *Googles “Kung-Fu movies with boomerangs”* *finds list on io9 that mentions a movie with one* Here we go, 1966’s “The Magic Serpent”, the protagonist Ikazuchi-Maru encounters a group of ninja, one wielding a boomerang. Boom, only took a few seconds. Why is this so hard Bores?

Buuuut this was likely done so he could make a joke about how the boss should be in a Mega Man game instead. Then he imposes the boss over the Mega Man 1 stage intro saying “that looks about right”. Ugh, no it doesn’t. It looks out of place and this joke is stupid. Your attempts at jokes just hurt my mind.

3:06 - 3:40: Onto the third level, fighting more enemies, and reaches the end to fight the third boss (the Giant according to GameFAQs), but he believes him to be Shaft. … Are you high Chris? That looks nothing like Shaft. Shaft isn’t bald, or 7 feet tall, yes Richard Roundtree is 6’2’’, but the Giant is meant to be, well, a giant. He also plays a bit of the Shaft theme. Oh, I wonder if the video will get hit with a Content ID claim, and Bores won’t make the pennies he would have made normally.
Then a gag where Thomas kicks the Giant out the window. Yawn.

He then consults the Old Man (calling him master) and he says he still sucks and throws a tea kettle. He speaks for the audience, I like this guy… he’s going to get rid of him isn’t he?
Forgot to mention the first time but when Bores gets hit with something he lets out this really lame sounding cry. Is that meant to be pain? Still need to work on that acting…

3:41 - 4:29: He reaches the fourth level, comments on the “birds” (they’re actually poisonous moths, checking GameFAQs, seriously Bores this stuff is probably in the manual) and edits one of them to have a letter for him. An acceptance letter to Hogwarts. … What the fuck? Then he leaves and goes to a stock image of Hogwarts (but it looks like it could be some random castle) and demands to be let in. Okay few things. Chris, you aren’t British, Hogwarts is the Wizarding school for people in the UK. There is in fact an American one that will be touched upon in the upcoming “Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them” movie. Also, you’re over 30 years old, you’re way too old to be admitted to Hogwarts (you need to be 11). This bit was pointless!

He reaches the boss, the Black Magician, or the “Hunchback of Pagoda Dame” as he calls him, tries to fight him, gets attacked by his clone, aaaand runs out of time. Complete with over-the-top reaction and music sting (you know I haven’t really mentioned the music stings when he does these reactions). The Old Man calls him pathetic and throws a … giant bag of rice at him. While the correct use of the Rule of Three (making the last object the craziest), it was still painfully unfunny.

4:30 - 5:40: He gets mad, says he’ll defeat him before he duplicates, which he somehow does instantly, then he says “triplicate” and a third clone appears, and he repeats this gag until there’s six or seven clones. Obviously this is an edit and not a very funny one. Wasting time wasting time.
Then a filter appears with kung-fu movie music and he looks at the first issue of Nintendo Power to find out what to do. Because that’s how kung-fu masters work, they read magazines. More intentionally bad dubbing, and he beats the boss.

He claims Sylvia better be worth it as he lists off many of the enemies he fought. Ah, the patented Bores “Pad for Time List”, feels like I haven’t seen one of these in a while.
He reaches Mr. X, cue more copyrighted material! No seriously, The Final Countdown starts playing. He is totally going to get hit with Content ID. No money for you Bores.
He beats Mr. X, saves Sylvia, she hugs him, and does a dumb joke about all the “rotting corpses” behind him keeping him from “performing”. Dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb.

The video ends with more intentionally bad dubbing as he comments that he saved the day. Sylvia appears and jeez she looks freaky that up close. Sprites like that aren’t meant to be blown up like that. IG says to “thank his chef”, referring to the Old Man. Apparently he taught him how to make “knuckle sandwich”, then Mr. X appears for some reason, and they do one of those “Everybody Laughs Ending”, and then some douchebag in a baseball cap appears in the corner. Who the fuck is this? What the fuck is that about? What the fuck is going on? Maybe the “plz subscreeb” endslate will tell me something. … NOPE!

Stupid video was stupid. Barely a review, more of an excuse to tell terrible jokes. He really does feel like self-parody at this point.
No mention of the Arcade version, no mention of its ties to Jackie Chan, nothing informative at all.
His tributes to poorly-dubbed Kung-Fu movies were just lame. It feels like he hasn’t actually seen these old movies and just knows that a lot of them were poorly dubbed into English.
And calling back to the description, what was the point of the PaRappa reference? Because it has the Kung-Fu rap? That’s a terrible reason to reference it! It makes no sense! Where is the point Bores? Where is the sense? Where is any substance?! *sighs*

I would be surprised if there’s anything else this week.