IG Continues to Crap on Classics with a Not-so-Exciting Excitebike Review

Welp, the Excitebike video he teased on Facebook yesterday is now up.
The good news is that it’s short. Only 5:36. I imagine at least 20 seconds is the “thanks for subscribing” stuff at the end. 

He capitalizes the “b” in Excitebike in the title. Weird.
*looks at description* “This time taking a look at the classic video game, Excitebike. Is it really as exciting as it's name? lets find out, Irate Gamer style!” He doesn’t capitalize the “b” here, but he doesn’t capitalize the “L” in Lets. Also I’m pretty sure it’s supposed to be “Let’s” with an apostrophe. Sorry for the grammar lesson, but if Chris is so confident in his writing skills that he wants to make a second book, then I’m going to focus on that now.
He’s also still including that idiotic  “Parapper the Rapper free” disclaimer in the description. What the fuck does that even mean?

He updated the intro to include multiple scenes from “Season 5”. He showcased the stupid “band scene” from the Castlevania montage.

0:17 - 1:10: Takes out the cartridge, talks about it a bit, ends up going off course and chokes himself with his controller cord not even a minute in. Could you at least start playing before doing the retarded reactions?
He briefly goes over the controls. A is slower gear, B is faster gear that can overheat your bike. He overheats in the middle of a race leading to a long waiting gag (yep, another one of these, he is so predictable).
“I could bake a shit soufflé faster than this!” Remind me how he doesn’t use toilet humor?
Also, that was clearly more manipulative editing. The timer was at 0:24 when he stopped, and 0:28 when he resumed. You’re full of crap Chris.

1:10 - 1:37: He mentions the arrows that cool down your engine, and says it goes down “faster than Link can drink a red potion” and it cuts to Bores with a big empty space next to him. Link’s gonna show up isn’t he?
… YEP! Using the Zelda 2 sprite altered to make him look drunk. Also, Chris trying to voice act a drunk Link is just painful. What is the point of this?
Drunk Link rambles, he drops the f-bomb which is bleeped for some reason, and he pukes. With all the dark humor in the last History video and the random puke here, he’s really delving more into modern Family Guy. All that’s missing is the excessive gore.

1:38 - 2:07: He goes over the first track, says it’s easy, misses a jump. He says “gosh damn it”. That’s really cringey and comes off like a Christian reviewer that wants to get away from his fundamentalist roots.
He beats the track in the required time and gets the victory screen where the biker is jumping up and down on the First Place platform. Bores then edits himself onto and jumps as well, and by “jump” I mean “animate” himself to move up and down while cheering. It looks really fucking bad.
Then Drunk Link appears again causing Bores to hide. … This is going to be a Rule of Three thing isn’t it?

2:08 - 3:12: Goes over the third track, shows some hills that slow you down, cut to IG “imitating” that by having the camera shake, makes a comment about his dead grandma being a better driver. Meeeeeh…
On the fourth track, notes the neon green color scheme. “Colorblind our way through the track” Colorblind isn’t a verb you hack!
He runs into hills and bumps, he questions why the biker tumbles after missing leading to the sprite to tumble in front of him. Was that meant to be a reference to tumbleweed? Bored…
Lots of shots him overreacting with the controller. He is the worst at trying to convey proper game playing. The worst.
He beats the fourth track.

3:13 - 4:02: Onto the fifth track, says its gets harder (well duh). Gets angry at a certain obstacle that he calls a “diving board”, keeps screwing up, cuts to him in a race screwing up on the same obstacle there, beats the track only getting 9th place. He gets mad and throws the controller, which hits his TV and changes it to copyrighted material! Specifically Barney & Friends. … Why? He tries to change the channel but his remote is out of batteries. … What is the point? Why is this scene here? Are you continuing to the test the limits to how much copyrighted material you can get away with on future DVDs? It’s going to bite you in the ass one day Chris.

4:03 - 4:50: He moves on to actual racing in Selection B (yeah all the stuff before was Selection A) and he purposely tries to hit the other bikers. YOU ARE DOING IT WRONG!
Another over-the-top reaction… who finds these funny? Just doing the same reaction over and over and over and over again isn’t funny. You have to have a variety of them. Save the extreme ones for the really bad moments, for just bad moments try more subdued jokes and riffing. But no, always with the “AGGGGGHGGHGH” like an asshole on cocaine.
He questions how there are more racers even though there were four at the start. They’re either behind you or in front of you. The game can only show four due to technical limitations. This is one of the earliest Famicom/NES games.
He keeps running into the bikers, blames them (idiot) and then a bit where the bikers hit him in real life. Not much longer.

He gets to the finish line, only gets fourth place, then says the game wasn’t exciting, and was about as exciting as “painful ass hemorrhoids”, and he changes the game’s title to “Painful Ass Hemorrhoids Bike”. First of all, gross. Second, “ass hemorrhoids” is redundant as that’s the only location you can get a hemorrhoid. … Don’t look up hemorrhoid on Wikipedia…
The video ends with him removing the game from his NES, he calls it shit and throws it, saying if he sees one more bike he’s going to scream. Then the Paperboy from… Paperboy appears and hits him. The expression he decided to go with is just wrong. Was he going for humor?
Then a stinger as Drunk Link shows up one more time (yep, Rule of Three), says “Excuse Me Princess” (GET IT? BECAUSE THAT’S WHAT HE SAID IN THE CRAPPY CARTOON! HUR HUR HUR HUR) and then he pukes again. This was a mess.

Again, this was barely anything. He barely talks about the game, going over Selection A for most of it, barely covering Selection B, doesn’t even TRY to look at Design Mode, or create his own custom track. What the hell Bores?
Just a bunch of dumb reactions, pointless references, and a terrible running joke involving a drunk Link that really doesn’t make sense. Who finds this funny? Why?
And I bet we're going to get the same song and dance of people asking why he hates Excitebike and he'll use the same excuse of "I actually love the game, why do you think I hate it?" I'm sorry, but when you compare a game to hemorrhoids and call it shit, people tend to think that you don't like it.

At least it was short.