Friday, July 31, 2009

The Hulk, More Buttsex, and THE WORST GAME EVER

Not really a clever introduction today but when you review E.T. on the Atari 2600, something that EVERYONE has done then there’s no point in originality.

But first, his review of The Incredible Hulk movie, yaaay more broad statements! Let’s try and see if he contradicts his statements from the Top 10 List.

It was the same thing as his Iron Man review! Except it was longer and he pointed out a plot hole (which is odd considering his past videos). The review was written like a book report without all the symbolic explanations or STRUCTURE! When he brought up Tony Stark’s cameo he says “Super Cool!” Did you pay a 7 year old to write this? Who the fuck says Super Cool?

Feh, let’s just look at the second episode of “My Attempt to Prove I’m a Legit Filmmaker” I MEAN Chris & Scottie Road Trip.

The description says a new episode will be out every couple of months but there hasn’t been a new one since then, also a couple of months per episode, just to stand in front of a green-screen and tell bad jokes? How… what… I… You know what screw it.

Here’s something funny, in the three years since that last video Scottie lost weight but Bores gained it.

In London: They’re in some fog as they discuss London’s High Crime Rate, resulting in a lame joke of all their stuff getting stolen. I have friends in the UK asshole!

In Pisa: Bores and Douche are in the Leaning Tower of Pisa, since Bores has no idea how a joke works Dillweed does a running gag asking “Pizza” every time Bores says Pisa. Somehow Bores tires of his own joke and pushes Dimwit off the tower, I’ll give him points realizing how appalling that joke was.

In the Yucatan Peninsula: Shit-for-Brains goes looking for a Hot Dog. As McBain would say “That’s the Joke.” Suddenly a Hot Dog vendor announces his presence making Queef-Face excited. Wait, didn’t The Simpsons do this joke?

In NYC: They’re visiting a post office, how thrilling. Sperm-Drinker starts opening other people’s mail finding a Ten Million dollar prize and the rare Action Comics #1 making Bores excited. Okay why didn’t he do comic book reviews? Obviously he cares more about those then video games. Well back then no one did comic book reviews on video, that phenomenon started recently with Linkara.

In Hell, Michigan: Crackhead keeps asking why it’s called Hell prompting lame special effects symbolizing Hell to appear. Meh, next one.

So the video ends in Downtown Michigan as Cock-Knocker sees Bores kept the comic book and starts chasing him off the screen.

Bores constantly refers to himself as a “Film Director” in his videos. Looking through what he’s made I doubt Ed Wood would like his work. What exactly has he made? Walking around in the dark looking for ghosts, making fun of Mythbusters, standing in front of a green screen making bad jokes, videos about breakfast, and unbelievably awful reviews, how the fuck do these qualify as films?

Enough stalling, let’s get on with his next review, E.T. on the Atari 2600. Come ON everyone has done this! Because of that fact the AVGN won’t do that game! That and he wants to hype it up to be the biggest review ever, but still! For some reason this video is in two parts equaling 12:49 in length. He still doesn’t understand his partner privileges other then “I can remove videos!”

Part 1:

0:20: The review starts out in the New Mexico desert. He can’t be serious because this is the greenest desert I’ve ever seen. Vegetation and Plants everywhere! Grade: F -------

0:24 – 0:58: Bores is walking through the desert with a shovel, to look for the “Atari Video Game Burial.” If he did any RESEARCH like he claims he would know the material was crushed, buried, and covered in cement. If he truly was in New Mexico he would never find it (or someone would tell him it’s impossible to dig up). By the way, X-Play did a similar story like this YEARS ago. Except they never found it and they were trying to parody Fear & Loathing in Las Vegas.

0:58 – 1:41: He finds a random spot and starts digging, and digging, and digging, and HE’S JUST DIGGING! He finally hits something and takes a bunch of ET carts he buried himself. Did he really buy all those copies of ET just to make this joke? Dude, stop spending money on something you hate! We know you don’t like video games, enough of this charade people can see straight through you now.

1:42 – 2:48: “Wikipedia Facts”

2:50: “Durr I found the secret location, I r smart!”

3:08: “I’m not sure what a shit-eating grin looks like, but if I had to guess this would be it.” That’s not even CLOSE to shit-eating grin. Pictured below is Activision CEO Bobby Kotick, now I want you to resist the urge to punch him in the jaw.

Can’t do it? That’s the power of a shit-eating grin.

*yawns* Man this review is dull; I’m surprised he hasn’t put in a distracting special effect yet.

3:57: “This style of strategy ruins it” Strategy? It’s based off luck you dipshit! There’s a difference between them!

4:17 – 4:37: He does a montage (not really since there’s no music) of ET falling into the pits, each time he cusses like we’re supposed to laugh.

4:38: Holy crap he pronounced frustrating correctly! *plays Stars & Stripes Forever* He did it! He said frustrating with an R! He’s growing up so fast.

5:12: “This game is terrible!” No shit Sherlock!

5:23 – 5:50: He attempts to act angry claiming he gives up but the John Williams theme begins playing as the cartridge stares at him sadly (what), so Bores give in and promises to take him home. Robot Chicken had more dignity in their ET parodies!

Part 1 ends with Bores “pissed” at the game after trying to beat it and failing, so he promises to destroy the cart. Then the FBI knocks at his door asking for the games back, yes the FBI monitors people that obtained a 27 year old video game HOW STUPID ARE YOU? So Bores gets sympathy for the cartridge grabs his bike and attempts to fly. Being a video game it doesn’t make him fly, so he hits a dumpster and falls on the ground with two handheld ET games.

NO! You finished the Atari review right there! You can’t bleed this stone of any more material!

Let’s just finish this, on to Part 2! It’s working now because YouTube can’t get their shit right.

Title Card: It’s another bad photoshop big surprise, this one of the ET Atari Box Art with Bores replacing Elliot. You know this guy is hated when no one will draw title cards for him.

0:17: Begins his review of ET: Cosmic Garden for the Game Boy Color.

0:20: How cute, he’s showing his Game Boy Player.

0:42 – 0:58: “You have to play with shit in this game?” Well it’s a garden; they need fertilizer which is made of SHIT!

1:23: Begins review of ET for the Game Boy Advance.

1:36 – 1:57: IG pauses the game (with the Mario Pause sound… okay) and gives a multiple choice question asking what your method of defense is. He’s annoyed that it’s running around, dude why didn’t you just end with the Atari review? If you want to stick to old-school games don’t review GBA titles.

2:05 – 2:12: He points out if an FBI agent catches ET they’ll fuck him in the mouth. Video game innuendo is only funny if you DON’T point it out, of course Bores doesn’t understand explaining the joke ruins it so let’s move on.

2:21 – 2:40: Bores does another multiple choice “joke” and is annoyed the objective is to collect P Blocks. How is this annoying, it seems like a logical objective?

2:41 – 2:52: IG whines about the P and Poo in the game and a bathroom having a toilet. You’ll begin to notice Bores is declining into toilet humor, just like another game reviewer that he believes doesn’t exist.

2:53 – 3:15: Because of a HOUSE level having a BATHROOM with a TOILET! (I don’t get it either) Bores flushes the GBA ET down the toilet. Was this supposed to be a game destruction scene?

3:16 – 3:30: Since the other two games are too big to flush he prepares to blow them up, gathering a box and a bomb. Then he notices something on the Atari Cart…

A telephone number to “Phone Home” bringing us to the climax of the video, Bores calls the “mother-ship” and says to get the games. So he goes outside and sees the ship (the same exact effect used in his first Chris & Scottie Gangbang video, meaning it’s been 3 years and he hasn’t improved. What a waste). Where was I? The aliens take the box away but Bores remembers the “bad times” and blows the mother-ship up (using the same explosion effect as EVERY OTHER FUCKING VIDEO!)

This review was horrible! Does anyone need to be reminded that ET is a bad game? Did he need to review two other games nobody has heard of? Is he so lazy to use special effects that he used three years ago? GAAAAAAAH!
Well, there is something funny about that review. The phone number on the cart goes to a sex-line, a bunch of idiots in the comments called it and that’s what they got.

Bores’ next review is Home Improvement but to tide people over until that one came out he released 4 movie reviews, a NEO review, and a 30 second sketch. We’ll be looking over those next time.

More Robots, Bores can't make films, and Durrrr Point & Click? What's That?

Hahahaha! Oh sweet delicious payback, it tastes like victory and pretzels! I’m pretty sure Chris Bores entered a huge state of paranoia after the UNN Interview but that didn’t stop him from making shitty videos. First up is the conclusion to his ROB review.

Apparently he had help from a “friend” named Justin but didn’t add him in the credits because he “forgot.” Really he wanted to take all the credit but Justin pestered him to share the wealth.

0:35 – 1:04: For some reason he’s still reviewing Gyromite despite the title saying otherwise.

1:05 – 1:22: Why is the camera angle so weird in this scene? It’s like a wide-angle lens that increases the mass of IG’s face while at the same time showing his posters and shelves… dude stop showing the posters.

1:23 – 2:28: This entire time is spent trying to solve a puzzle while using ROB and showing awful close-ups of his Igor-esque eyes. He also sweats to “build tension.” I felt more suspense watching Barney the Dinosaur.

2:30 – 2:37: Bores makes a frog face that I think is anger but I’m not too sure, so he picks up ROB and starts choking him while forcing out “Irate” lines.

Do you guys know why the Irate Gamer’s anger always sounds forced? He’s a Buddhist; yeah he’s part of a religion that enforces inner-peace and tranquility. Why even make a show about someone that’s supposed to be angry all the time? I don’t know anymore.

2:38: Starts his review of Stack-Up


4:24 – 4:47: Bores does another montage hoping he got the Memory Sequence right, and he shows even more strange faces doing this. Dude, stop with the faces it’s disgusting.

5:00 – 5:06: “The robot moves so slow that it leaves the players bored” You mean like your videos?

5:38 – 5:44: While playing the Bingo game the enemy “presses” the party button and makes ROB dance again while playing that AWFUL WILL SMITH SONG! Because this joke was SOOOOO FUCKING HILARIOUS the first time around! Not only has Chris Bores’ mind been infected by the Family Guy virus, all his “fans” have got it. They find jokes like this “utterly hilarious.”

6:01: “This game isn’t just Stack-Up, it’s also fucked-up” as he photoshops the word onto the cover. I’m sorry for putting you through this awful humor go watch SpoonyOne he’s hilarious.

The review ends with ROB turning evil and attempting to kill Bores in a long drawn-out “action scene” that’s far more boring then Last Action Hero and effects that not even Uwe Boll would touch. The way Bores fights ROB is like an armless man attempting to juggle it’s just humiliating, the whole time I was shouting “It’s a fucking foot-long toy! Stop acting like you have brain damage!”

Also, the evil ROB plot isn’t even original. Ace and Chet of Awesome Video Games did it LONG before Bores and I’m sure there are text articles out there about ROB’s ulterior motive. This plot also looks similar to the AVGN’s Super Mario Bros 3 episode where the game was possessed by the devil prompting the entrance of Super Mecha Death Christ 3000 (FUUUUUCKERS!)

Now that we got that bullshit out of the way, let’s TRY and view “The 4th of July Road Trip” or the first “Chris & Scottie Road Trip.” I believe this was another attempt at Bores making a new series but like his videos on breakfast they utterly failed. I won’t be doing minute-by-minute here, instead I’ll say “One Minute In this is happening” and “Two Minutes In” and so on. Let’s roll.

At the intro Bores notes he made this back in 2005 and hopes to release more of them. Oh yeah this is going to be painful.

One Minute In: So the premise is Chris and some guy named Scott standing in front of a green screen telling lame jokes, this is a trainwreck already.

Two Minutes In: Oh, it’s not just telling horrible jokes. It’s also “History Lessons” about the locations while Bores reads off cue cards. At “Niagra Falls” Scottie falls off the ledge in the most unconvincing manner possible.

Three Minutes In: They “visit” The Home Depot Arena, and Death Valley. Scott whines that no one watches soccer as someone throws a soccer ball at his head then WHY AM I WATCHING THIS? The jokes on DIC cartoons are funnier then this!

Four Minutes In: Some more lame desert jokes and Wile E Coyote footage, they get to Hoover Dam with Bores mentioning New Mexico instead of Las Vegas.

Five Minutes In: Wile Coyote blows up Hoover Dam with the same lame effects Bores used TWO YEARS AFTER THIS VIDEO WAS MADE! Then they get to Yankee Stadium where IG’s Bitch starts dancing or something.

Six Minutes In: Scottie gets hit with a baseball for insulting the Yankees. This joke doesn’t make sense from a perspective stand-point, they’re standing outside the stadium facing the outfield and the ball comes in from the right. You know what screw it why should I explain this shit? After that they visit Pixar Studios where Bores credits one of their films as “Little Nemo.” Except the movie they made was Finding Nemo! Little Nemo was an early 20th century comic from Winsor McCay and one of the earliest examples of animated cartoons, there was also an animated film in 1989 with a great video game tie-in.

Seven Minutes In: For some reason Scottie picks the next location and he wants to go to Greece, except he keeps going to the wrong location, breaking many conventional rules of comedy including the Rule of Three. Yeah it’s not funny in the slightest.

Eight Minutes In: They go to Greece FINALLY ending that painful joke but leave and go to Vegas, weren’t they just there? Something about Star Trek and a lame effect I’m just droning it out at this point.

The stupidity ends when they return home after visiting Detroit. Wow, this was fucking lame for a “Professional Filmmaker” that wants to make a name for himself. I know that James Rolfe wasn’t famous in 2005 but do you know what he was making back in 2005? The Deader The Better, which is considered his best Cinemassacre Film (non-AVGN work). In fact, watch Cinemassacre 200 to see the amount of dedication that James Rolfe puts into his films and how long he’s been doing it.

Let’s just finish this with his NEO review of Zack & Wiki: Quest for Barbaros’ Treasure on the Wii.

0:20: “Zack and Weeki for the Wii” Don’t you mean Wiki as in Wikipedia? *sighs* only a few seconds in and he screws up, unbelievable.

0:24 – 0:31: Bores points out he doesn’t know what to think of this game, does that mean he found something average? Oh joy he doesn’t deal in absolutes anymore!

0:44 – 0:55: “What the hell is a Weeki?” It’s an imaginary character made up for this game you prick! Then he whines about Zack’s intelligence or something.

Blah Blah Blah Characters boring blah.

1:30 – 1:37: “This isn’t an action game, it’s a puzzle game!” No, it’s a Point & Click Adventure! Get it right!

1:38 – 2:10: “This game is weird because I click so much; I’ve never played anything like it.” Asfjdal;krfl;adsfjsdl;afjkasdl;tjwrel;kl;jjkl; nn4t5zxvcreSdfa *static* OH GOD HE’S FOAMING AT THE MOUTH!

How could he not know what a Point & Click Adventure game is? Monkey Island, Day of the Tentacle, Maniac Mansion, Full Throttle, Grim Fandango, and recent outings like Strong Bad’s Cool Game for Attractive People! If he’s trying to credit himself as a gamer HE NEEDS TO KNOW THESE THINGS! AHHHHHHHHH!

2:11 – 2:24: “I have trouble finding a big shiny star on the screen because I have no idea what I’m doing.” Well those weren’t his exact words but that’s a good summary of his “Bawwwww”ing.

He ends the review with a very wishy-washy conclusion saying he doesn’t know what to think. Oh and he only played a couple of levels as evidenced from the footage, big fucking surprise.

How is it Bores always fails? This isn’t even a train wreck anymore, it’s a giant catastrophe. It’s like 3 jetliners, 10 monster trucks, and 4 Japanese Bullet-trains all collided with a Nuclear Bomb going off at the same time.

We’re getting closer to the end, next time his review of The Incredible Hulk film, another “Chris & Scottie Gay Orgy” and Part 1 of E.T. Way to blow your negativity load there moron!

Thursday, July 30, 2009

The Uncensored Net Noise Interview. Finally something good.

On June 6th 2008, Chris Bores the Irate Gamer was invited to the Uncensored Net Noise radio show for an interview. When anti-IG critic TheArchfiend heard about this he sprang into action and informed the DJs about IG’s thievery.

This is what unfolded.

Before the Interview: The DJs seem less then enthusiastic about interviewing IG, one of them noting it’s going to be a short interview. DJ1 starts describing IG as a “spin-off” of the Angry Video Game Nerd and DJ2 asks “So it’s the exact same thing?”

The Interview: DJ1 starts the interview saying he’s live with them; you can hear another DJ softly say “Yech” in disgust. The first question asked is about a video floating around accusing Bores of plagiarism and the truth about it. At this point Bores realizes this isn’t going to be a happy brown-nosing interview and Karma has come to bite him fiercely.

Bores answers “It’s all a bunch of nonsense” and starts stuttering through his answer saying he and James do the same thing similar to Leno and Letterman (one DJ retorts ‘not exactly like that’) and if they review the same games then similar complaints will be inevitable (yeah that spotlight effect in the TMNT review couldn’t be avoided). He ends the answer trying to say “Original with my own words.” I’m serious he keeps stuttering to say original it’s pretty funny.

The next question asks Bores what got him into doing this and if it spawned off of James Rolfe’s work. He quickly says “no no no” and explains that hundreds of other people were doing reviews but he wanted to excel at them with his quality production values (pffft). The DJ asks Bores about the similarities between his and James BttF and TMNT reviews, to which Bores responds “With Ninja Turtles I reviewed 5 different *pause* 5 different games and James reviewed like 3 minutes of what I did. I ranted about things he didn’t (“Jump from the wrong place, and you’ll fall to your death”) and I didn’t rant about things he said.”

One DJ interjects that the reviews are almost word for word to which Bores responds “That’s not true, there’s a guy out there named JerichoSquink that did a word for word comparison so go check him out.” JerichoSquink did a 22 Part Rant trying to prove the Irate Gamer isn’t a rip-off and is completely original in every way (pfffft) going by the belief that plagiarism must be exactly word-for-word. When this interview was posted on YouTube in multiple places Squink was one of the first to arrive and say “IT’S ALL A LIE” and defend IG, it wasn’t pretty.

DJ1 asks Bores how long the production process takes, and IG asks “What do you mean by that?” so the DJ makes it clearer saying how long it takes to put a video together. Bores goes through the process saying it takes at least two months for one video noting the special effects and jokes saying it takes at least 70-100 Man-Hours for one video (HAHAHAHA).

A guest-host comedian asks a question while referring to him as Carlos Menica (a terrible comedian that’s known to steal jokes from good comedians in case you didn’t know) “What is the worst game you have ever played?” and Bores stupidly responds “As far as my episodes go?” and begins to think about which one was the worst while exclaiming “There’s been so many” (technically he’s reviewed more good games then bad games so I don’t see what he means by that). After a long pause with Jeopardy music playing he finally says “MUSCLE” and gives a very weak description on why it was bad.

A DJ butts in asking “Have you ever played Hack Attack?” Now this is where the recording gets hilarious. Bores comments he never played it, the DJ tells him it’s an 8-Bit Nintendo game where a bunch of comedians team up to kill Gallagher, and the Irate Hack believes it! Hahaha oh wow that’s amazing.

The head DJ starts to wrap up as they have a “real band” coming on in a minute (BURN) and has one more question which is given to the Guest-Comedian. He asks if Bores feels bad for doing something another person has done and he’s taking attention away from a ton of other unnoticed talented people. The Hack wonders if the only reason they brought him on was to make fun of him but the DJ retorts “We just want to know what went through your mind when you decided to make these videos.”

Bores starts going off on how he stays in contact with James and he enjoys his work, you are such a fucking liar Chris. Rolfe has said multiple times to ignore you since you do the exact same thing to him. Are you really that committed to this story?

One guys asks when the next ROB video will be out and Bores says “Another Week because I run a business and do 5 other things at the same time.” GAH stop lying you fat bastard! Also this interview was conducted June 6th and the ROB review came out the 26th, that’s way more then a week schlong-eater.

The next question asks if Bores enjoys making the videos to which he notes “I do it for the entertainment and to make people laugh.” PFFFT HAHAHAHAHA! Ohhh that’s a good one, you actually told a funny joke. That’s 1 joke out of 163 done right. When asked about the animosity created by the accusations he replies “It’s only from the other reviewers and fans, I have my own fanbase that supports me.” So that’s why your first subscribers are only subscribed to you right? They’re so loyal they remove all their other subscriptions and show complete compliance to you. By the way, how are the sales of your DVD?

One of the last questions asks what videos we’ll be expecting in the near future after ROB Part 2. To which The Hack replies “I’m working on 6 at a time.” Really now, where are these other reviews? All we’ve seen since then are two videos on ET, Home Improvement, Monster Party, Aladdin, some History thing, and a bunch of modern reviews that don’t qualify. Oh it seems I paused too early, most of these videos are in the scripting or filming stages (or so he says) and the next one out is ET.

Damn there are more questions, he’s asked if he could beat James Rolfe at Street Fighter and Bores just laughs it off saying “I don’t think of those things” (James would annihilate his ass) and then he’s asked what game he is best at and we hear “Zelda and Kirby those kinds of games” So easy Nintendo games that are meant for everyone, how cute.

Bores is asked if he has a girlfriend and he says “Yes I do.” Ohhhhh man, this is an awesome Reverse Funny Aneurysm Moment. Very recently (like the last few days) Bores broke-up with his girlfriend as evidenced by his MySpace saying Single and the blonde chick from Haunted Investigators no longer featured on the site.

The Hack is asked if he has the Power Glove (while being called Carrot Top) and he does not, you wuss you call yourself an old-school gamer? So the interview ends and right before he hangs up someone belts out “You Suck.” Then they start laughing at how much bullshit they just heard before taking a break.

After the Interview: They point out a ton of hate in the chat room before discussing how full of shit the Irate Hack really is. They bring up the “2 Months to make a video” comment as an utter load as they’ve done productions that only take a few hours including an HBO Funded online show that belts out at least 4 episodes in one hour. They also discuss UNN’s similarities to Howard Stern but they don’t steal jokes/lines and Radio Talk Shows have been going for years.

At the end they talk about comedians that steal material and need to be called out for it, the same thing is said for the Irate Hack. They are so right about that, however calling out Bores is troublesome on YouTube.

After the interview was leaked, Bores used his Partner Powers to remove any trace of the recording for “Copyright Infringement” for his Film Company Y2B (which doesn’t have a copyright, meaning Bores has broken the law with these false DMCA Claims). I should mention that isn’t the first time he’s removed videos for Copyright. As soon as he got his Partner Status he used this fake company to remove any criticism videos that point out incorrect facts or just call him a rip-off. It was a really dark time for the Game Reviewing community and people weren’t pleased.

There was something I forgot to mention back in the DVD Rant, the address of Y2B is Chris Bores home address. There is no Y2B, there is no copyright, and it was all a Godwin’s Law regime used to make the Irate Hack look like the only game reviewer on YouTube. Needless to say but Chris Bores hasn’t done a single interview since then showing UNN did a number on his ego.

Karma is a Bitch Irate Hack, and you got the bluntest edge.

Next Time: The second ROB video, an overview of “Chris and Scottie Road Trip” (oh goody), and Zack & Wiki. Brace yourselves for the lightning!

Brawl is a Pick and Bores Nerd Rages

We’re now at the point where IG’s videos are so bad they’re just bizarre. The upcoming rants are on videos that don’t even try to review the game; they’re like bad SNL sketches. Wait, I think I’m jumping the gun on that too early but they will get surreal.

First up his review of Super Smash Bros Brawl for the Wii, MORE LIKE SMASH BROS… CRAWL HUR HUR HUR. Side note, the Brawl review is the top viewed video on the “Irategamer” account.

0:24: “If you enjoyed playing Super Smash Bros. Mewley for the Gamecube” Holy shit, holy shit, HOLY SHIT! How can you mispronounce a word as simple as Melee? They even SAY the word in the SSBM intro! Though I doubt Bores ever played Melee but it’s not an obscure word!

*boring shit about the characters*

0:55 – 1:21: So he did play Melee (I think) as he whines about that game having too many “duplicate characters” and Brawl got rid of them. Did he even play the same game? Brawl had MORE duplicate characters then before! He noted the only “duplicates” were Dr. Mario, Young Link, and Pichu. No mention of Ganondorf, Falco, or Roy? Besides, Young Link is now Toon Link, Fox = Falco = Wolf, Ness = Lucas, Ganondorf has barely changed from the last game, and Ike isn’t a clone at all.

He says Mewtwo wasn’t a big loss FUCK YOU! Mewtwo is awesome, and technically he’s in Brawl but Lucario now uses the move-set! Also a lame joke of “They replaced Roy with Ike *shows picture of Ike from South Park*” Ladies, do not watch these videos if you are pregnant, they cause Fetal Alcohol Syndrome.


1:41 – 1:49: Bores remarks they kept his favorite character Mr. Game & Watch because he’s 2-D or something. Tell me Bores, what game is that character from? You don’t know? Sorry you lost the game *opens trap door.*

1:49 – 1:51: “I really enjoyed the addition of Kid Icarus” PIT! His name is Pit! They even say his name ON THE FUCKING MENU! Why do you piss me off so much?

1:53 – 2:10: “Durr I hate the Wii Joystick-Nunchuck combo but you can play with the Wii Joystick on its side durrr.” That’s true, but are you going to bring up using the Classic Controller? No? What about the Gamecube Controller and how it’s the easiest to use? No? Feh, some reviewer you turned out to be.

2:11 – 2:19: He says something about the graphics being good and “I found myself just sitting there staring because its soooo detailed.” I think he wanted to say “Dis game is shiny, soooo shiny, I like shiny” but that “wouldn’t be professional.”

2:20 – 2:32: Bores starts talking about the stages “There’s a bunch of new ones, like Castles and Boats.” HOLY SHIT CASTLES AND BOATS! This game is bananas! Dude, say what games they’re from, Fire Emblem and Wind Waker. Then he brings up “nostalgic stages” like the Donkey Kong and Mario Bros stages. Yeah keep telling yourself you get nostalgia from that Mr. 20 Years.

2:33 – 3:03: IG brings up The Subspace Emissary story-mode and how cool it is with its “CGI Cutscenes.” He must be the only person to have liked SSE because everyone I talked to HATED it. Despite the lack of dialogue it was written like a bad fan-fiction, and it was 3 hours too long. Even worse knowing there were scenes cut from the game, that’s just pathetic.

3:03 – 3:08: He brings up how it’s fun to play with three other people. God it still feels like he discovered friends for the first time it’s unreal. By the way he’s not playing with other people in the footage, the other 3 players are marked “CPU.” Also, listen to how he pronounces “especially,” it sounds like a 6 year old learning to read “Expecially.”

3:09 – 3:16: “I can’t say anything bad about this game because there’s a ton of stuff to do.” You’re not going to talk about the shitty online? The gimped Classic and All-Star modes? How boring Break the Targets became? You’re not going to talk about any of the things that were far worse then the previous two games? It’s official, he’s never played the previous two games.

3:17 – 3:27: “I would have liked to see other Nintendo legends like Mega Man, Simon Belmont, and Bomberman.” You can’t be serious; none of those characters were made by Nintendo. Mega Man was made by Capcom, Simon Belmont and Castlevania were made by Konami, and Bomberman was made by Hudson. Just because they were featured on a Nintendo console does NOT make them Nintendo characters. I get the feeling he got most of his “gaming knowledge” from Captain N, calling Pit “Kid Icarus” and believing Mega Man and Belmont are Nintendo characters. Doesn’t help Captain N is the lowest form of animated garbage.

He ends the review calling Brawl his “Irate Pick for the Wii.” That’s just lame; you couldn’t do something like “Neo’s WIIner” or “The Irate WIIner” (that last one credit to themorshushow and his Irate Rant blog) or something clever? Irate Pick for the Wii that doesn’t even sound pleasing.

This is one of his worst reviews; it’s up there with ZAMN and TMNT on the Richter Scale of Awful. Not because he bashed a great game, but he praised a mediocre game. That’s not just my opinion a lot of people were under-whelmed by Brawl.

Let’s just look at his review of the DVD Superman: Doomsday, which was a sub-par film by the way. Well at least he put more time into it as the running time is over two minutes. I won’t do a minute-by-minute analysis because his movie reviews don’t deserve it.

Why is he praising The Death of Superman storyline? It was all a big marketing ploy to get people reading comics again after Rob Liefeld sprayed his sperm of horrible artwork in the early 90s. He’s complaining about the lack of the Justice League in the film and thinks it’s due to the cost of voice actors. *facepalm* This is a Superman movie, they didn’t use the League because this is an abridged version of the story. Also too many voice actors isn’t a problem, just look at early anime dubs from Funimation. Chris Sabat played every character.

He starts bitching that it’s nothing like the comic book and it’s a terrible adaptation. NO, if you want a poor adaptation go watch V For Vendetta! Of course Alan Moore is too “sophisticated” for his pudding-brain as well see in the future. “I’m surprised people watching didn’t constantly compare the comic and movie.” Well not everyone has read the comic so they wouldn’t know the differences; do you expect everyone going to see a Harry Potter movie to have read the book?

“I found the documentary 1000 more times enjoyable.” Does he really read over his scripts? He has to catch things like this right? *SMB2 is the perfect predecessor to the first Mario game* Fuck Off.

Why doesn’t Bores just do comic book reviews? He seems to enjoy those far more then video games. Well seeing his TMNT from Archie review, I’d have more fun watching a stuffed-shirt college professor explain how paint dries while we watch it.

I’m cutting this one a little short because I feel like it. Next time I’ll go over ROB Part 2 and his reviews of Zack & Wiki, and The Incredible Hulk. I might also cover his next new “series” Chris & Scottie Roadtrip, though a machete in the balls sounds more enjoyable then that.

Phoenix Wright: HOLD IT!
Instead of the videos mentioned above, the next part will be about the controversial Uncensored Net Noise radio interview. Oh what fun we'll have with that one! No seriously this one will be fun.

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

The Olympics, First Movie Review, and Useless Robots.

It doesn’t end; the poorly acted hackneyed reviews never end. Always getting his facts wrong, can never tell a funny joke, most of his lines are stolen from other reviewers, it’s the best way to torture someone. That’s how I look at it, like a snuff film. You’re completely horrified but you can’t look away.

Well, we’re almost done until Bores releases another review (as of 7/29/09 he hasn’t released one in over two months) so I’ll keep persevering through this garbage. I guess this is how Chris Holland and FFL2and3Rocks feel when they do research for their parody videos.

First on the chopping block is IG’s “Neo” review of Mario & Sonic at the Olympic Games for the Wii. We’ve seen a ton of ill-informed facts in the past but in this review… OH GOD!

0:20 – 0:30: “Sega released the Genesis to compete with the Super Nintendo.” Excuse me? Is he implying that the Genesis was released AFTER the Super Nintendo? IS THERE ANY REASON TO GO ON WITH THIS? This is the final shred needed to prove Chris Bores isn’t a gamer! The Genesis was released to compete with the NES since the Sega Master System was failing in sales, thus the infamous advertising slogan “Genesis Does What Nintendon’t” So Nintendo brought out the SNES to fend off the Sega Menace, even though Sega tried to show off “Blast Processing” (which has been proven to be a load of bunk).

Oh, and this gets worse. One of the early comments on this video has someone prove him wrong (though crediting Wikipedia but history is also a good back-up) and Bores replied to it, and I quote “hate to break it to you but wikipedia is a horrible source for information. The Sega Master system competed with the NES, not the genesis. The genesis came out around the same time as the SNES” Not only is he lying about not using Wikipedia (it always shows in his reviews) but he thinks he’s correct and the massive amount of proof is a lie.

Jeez, not even one minute in and I’m already off the deep end.

0:42: “Mario ‘VS.’ Sonic at the Olympic Games” Notice the VS in there despite the obvious Ampersand. But since what he says goes then I guess we’ll have to abide by his laws! Everyone destroy any Arcade Cabinets of Turtles in Time! According to the Irate Gamer it doesn’t exist!

0:45 – 1:00: “Waaaah it sucked waaaah it wasn’t epic waaah I only played for 5 minutes thus my review is no longer credible waaaaah.”

1:19 – 1:41: IG begins complaining that playing the game requires you to move the Wii Remote (rather the Wii Joystick as he calls it). OH MY GOD! THE DRIVING FORCE BEHIND THIS CONSOLE IS THE REASON IT SUCKS! Jeez his fatass probably couldn’t keep up with Wii Sports either.

1:43: Fustrating Alert!

Waaaah this game is boring! I can’t use the controls properly thus it sucks waaaaah! Good God man the game doesn’t suck YOU FUCKING SUCK! By the way, Devin Townsend says You Suck.

2:14 – 2:21: “If Bowser loses you don’t get to kill spectators, what a rip-off!” Oh, we’re sorry for trying to make a game about the Olympics with Mario and Sonic characters. We’re sorry for trying to make use of the Wii Technology to combine the two biggest rivals in gaming. We’re sorry for doing a cross-promotion for the 2008 Summer Olympics. We’ll get you that Sonic game that’s nothing but speed! *whispers down* Get him Sonic 06.

More whining about the controls, honestly the control wasn’t bad. He just sucks at the game.

3:03: “This should have been fun and crazy, like a real Mario vs. Sonic game.” DUDE! IT’S NOT MARIO VS SONIC! IT’S MARIO AND SONIC! Why do you piss me off SO FUCKING MUCH!

He ends the review saying “Wait until SSBB comes out.” Except this review was posted April 26th 2008, at least one month after Brawl’s release in North America, and he doesn’t even use the official box art. Then he throws the game in the most pitiful way possible, he just flicks it while staring at the camera. By the way there’s a Fustrating Alert at 3:17.

Side-Note: After this video he re-uploaded his MUSCLE review because he changed some things, but I’m not going to drudge my way through that pile of mooseshit review just to find them.

Now to check out his first film review (that isn’t a Top 10 List), and it’s going to be Iron Man. Wow, it’s only 48 seconds long. Unless Bores talks like the Micro Machines Man then I doubt this is a real review. Also the title of the video says “The Iron Man.’ I don’t remember Tony Stark or any other Marvel Superhero calling him “The Iron Man.”

*watches it* I really can’t say anything; it’s just a bunch of broad statements without any explanation. “The characters were cool, the effects were good, the villains were great” it doesn’t even qualify as a review. It’s like walking out the theater and seeing that annoying Frat Boy yelling “OHHH SHIT SON THAT BITCH WAS OFF THE HOOK! IRON MAAAAN!”

Sadly this is how Chris Bores reviews movies. He doesn’t give any insight, any explanation; it’s all general statements that anyone can say. In fact you can walk up to 100 different people on the street and ask “What did you think of this movie” they will use the exact statements. Since this is a survey on the street that’s fine, but this is a man claiming to be a professional reviewer, he needs to put more thought and effort into it.

Speaking of no thought and effort, it’s time for the Irate Gamer’s next review. ROB the Robot Part 1, apparently a shitty NES peripheral requires two parts both under 11 minutes each despite Bores having Partner Status allowing him to upload over the limit.

I should point something out first, May 14th 2008 the AVGN released a review of NES Accessories and said at the end he would get to ROB in a future video. May 29th 2008 the Irate Gamer releases his review of ROB. People claim that this is a coincidence as “Bores was working on this video for months.”

So you’re going to say that Bores was working on this review for months, an eight minute review that requires a second part released one month after, and the first released a mere couple of weeks after James Rolfe said he’ll be reviewing ROB in the far future. If this is a coincidence then Chris Bores has the devil’s luck.

Intro: Irate Gamer Season 2? Now you’re labeling it? Dude, this shit will never be on TV, unless it’s a special about robbery then yes I can see that.

0:31: Oh goody, another poorly made title card. Because a hand-drawn title card is overrated, that Mike ***** sure is a hack and the Nostalgia Critic hasn’t been the same since Marobot started doing title cards. Hahahahaha AAAAAAAAH

0:40: Is he wearing a blue button-down shirt? Name any other reviewer that wears button-down shirts. Yeah, that’s what I figured.

0:42 – 0:45: “Today we’ll be looking at a very obscure Nintendo Accessory that not many people recognize.” Obscure? Dude ROB was the sole reason the NES succeeded in North America. Oh but I’m sure he’ll explain this right. Right?

*50 seconds of Wikipedia facts later*
Yeah he did.

1:36: “Out of almost the 700 games produced for the NES” Almost 700? That’s implying there are less then 700 NES games, when there are well over 800. That’s not including the Famicom titles never released outside of Japan.

1:56 – 2:04: Somehow Bores obtained a Famicom Robot from Japan (eBay sure is nice huh guys) and makes an AIDS-Inducing Abortion of a joke. “In Japan, it was called the Family Computer Robot, or the Fucker for short.” This is one of the worst things I’ve ever heard on YouTube and I’ve seen 12 year old girls confess their wet dreams about the Jonas Brothers. I’m surprised more people don’t refer to this joke when talking about the Irate Gamer’s lack of comedy or charm.

*boring facts*

2:44 – 2:49: “Set this thing up for optimal paformance” Seriously dude, fucking speech lessons. Also “This is a highly technological piece of shit we’re dealing with.” C-can someone remind me how a loud and slow robot toy is advanced? Was that him trying to make a joke? I’M SO CONFUSED!

2:49 – 3:26: Bores notes ROB needs batteries so in a very unnecessary time-padding sequence he goes searching for batteries set to Vampire Killer from Castlevania (NOOOO I LIKE THIS SONG). You know, I think this sequence was included to show off his new “Hardcore Gamer Set” which is just a bunch of video game posters and many different consoles spread out all over the place instead of one shelf of NES games.

I just figured out why this episode took months to make, he needed to buy all this off eBay. The man lives in an apartment so there’s no way he hid all those posters and spare consoles/games. If you’re thinking “Oh he needed to add a bunch of effects” bullshit. I’m 3 1/2 minutes in and so far no effects, just camera work that can be done in 2 hours.

3:58 – 4:28: In another time-padding sequence he shows how long it takes for ROB to press the A Button all while splicing shots of his gorilla-face WITHOUT TALKING! I know ROB is slow but you could at least interject some comments while waiting or some sight gags MY GOD I don’t have a video camera and I know how to make a better video then you!

4:33: “What a piece of diarrhea dick-waffles!” Are you 5? By the way, this seems to be very similar to the popular AVGN quote “It’s like diarrhea coming out of my dick” only he added Waffles since Bores is a fatass that loves breakfast. Also when he says this, it looks like he’s staring at cue cards and forcing his words out.

4:44: “You play as Professor Gyro.” Professor Gyro, don’t you mean Professor Hector? If you’re the second player then Professor Vector? But hey since Bores is the all-knowing seer of gaming then he MUST be right! After all, the Sega Genesis came out after the SNES and a logo can go a long way.

5:36 – 5:45: Time for another lame Chris Bores joke. “If you press the Party Button, then he Gets Jiggy with It” as he presses a P sticker on his NES controller, plays the Will Smith song, and shows a sped-up ROB “dancing.” Wait, did he seriously say “Get Jiggy with It” I mean seriously? I’m going to quote the Nostalgia Critic from his Steel review “Hang on! The Internet Movie Database might have some other catchphrases that nobody uses anymore! Let’s get… Juggy with it!” I mean, what the hell is wrong with him?

The rest of the review is more bitching and moaning about ROB being the worst thing ever with some ugly hard-to-look at “anger expressions” that IG makes. It turns out ROB is evil so Bores tells him to stop being an asshole or something and that ends Part 1. For Shit’s sake the ROB is Evil joke has been done to death, Bores has to use every god damn cliché in the gaming book!

I still have to wonder how this took months to make, there were little to no effects and all the camera work can be done in a few hours. I’m placing my bets on the “months of work” being all the new posters and consoles gotten off of eBay. Bores is really committed to this lie that he’ll spend hundreds if not thousands of dollars on games he’ll never play all to keep up this illusion that he screwed himself into.

Damn this was a lengthy rant, so we’ll stop here for now. Next time breaking down his reviews of Super Smash Bros. Brawl (oh joy), the Superman: Doomsday DVD (ech), and the second part of that ROB Travesty.

Lame QBert April Fools and Massive Stealing with Predator

The Contra pain is over! But will it be smooth sailing from here on out? Hahaha not unless your idea of smooth is torrential storms of stupidity and jagged rocks of bad jokes, but hey we got two more reviews on the slab today so let’s roll.

I was going to look over his Ninja Turtles comic review but that was horribly dreary, more so then his other videos. So I’ll look at two of his shitty game reviews.

First up his review of Q*bert for the NES, seriously you’re going to review another Arcade Port? Maybe he’ll spend 4 minutes bitching on how it’s nothing like the original?

0:18 – 0:24: IG starts out saying that YouTube will fire him if he doesn’t make a new review. This is just terrible set-up for a video, YouTube is a free site that doesn’t pay people and… oh that’s right he’s a YouTube Partner. Still, YouTube doesn’t care if you release videos or not. They just want you to places ads all over to appease the Google Gods.

0:41 – 0:50: Bores questions the meaning of the word Q*bert and makes a lame joke with Q from Star Trek and Bert from Sesame Street saying the name doesn’t make sense. Actually 3 minutes in Google helps that “conundrum.” Q is short for Cube, which was going to be the original title (Cubes), and Bert is short for Hubert the original name for the character. Combining it into Cubert and simplifying it to Q*bert and you have an Arcade Icon.

1:04 – 1:13: He notes the Wrong-Way enemies and yells at them asking “What do you think this is, an Escher painting?” Well the style of the pyramid took great inspiration from M.C. Escher’s paintings so in a way it IS an Escher painting. Also he pronounces the name wrong big surprise.

1:13 – 1:35: Bores notes the “confusing” controls and how the D-Pad isn’t always right. Dude it’s a port of an Arcade game that used an 8-Direction Joystick, it’s not going to be 100% perfect *looks at TMNTII review* Fuck you. Also “You need a degree in Q*Bert Physics just to figure this out” as he holds “The Idiots Guide to Q*Bert” (which doesn’t exist by the way). God Spax3 is funnier then this, I’d rather listen to his reviews on voice acting then this crap.

1:52: “If they manage to catch you, Q*bert starts swearing worse then a Video Game Reviewer.” Are you actually giving subtle acknowledgement to the AVGN? No, it’s probably another egotistical reference to himself.

1:58 – 2:16: Bores starts talking about the discs that take you to the top and they’re your only defense but bitches they don’t work every time. So they work like a Classic Arcade Game?

2:18 – 2:36: IG mentions the discs are just like Press Your Luck and… FOR THE LOVE OF he starts re-enacting the game with the Big Board and everything. He gets a Whammy and flips off the animated Whammy that isn’t in front of him. By the way douche Press Your Luck wasn’t always random; a man figured out the pattern and won big on the show, then they changed it to avoid memorization.

2:46 – 3:06: Another unrealistic montage that tries to be epic but falls flat because Bores facial expressions are so abnormal. Dude enough with the fucking montages; you’re not Rocky Balboa or Daniel LaRusso.

3:14: “Now I gotta do twice the work? The hell with that!” I’m going to quote the Irritated Gamer now (another parody series done by musician Chris Holland) “My time is precious! I can’t be wasting it on pointless bullshit!” Though this was said by a parody, it’s a good point. Bores always whines about playing the game for too long but when it comes to pointless guest stars and special effects he has all the time in the world.

So he ends the review laughing that YouTube can’t fire him but then the words “The All New Irate Gamer Show” appear and… Kill me, just kill me now. Michael Buckley of the painfully unfunny What the Buck show appears and does his same abortion-causing jokes he always does BUT WITH VIDEO GAME CHARACTERS! Well it seems this was the April Fools episode but to me seemed like a shameless plug to another unfunny YouTube Partner. Chris Bores can’t even do an April Fools Day joke correctly he just fails so much!

According to his site, the Q*bert review was the end of “Season 1” (which is weird since his DVD only has 11 episodes, not 17). Bores still believes he’s TV-material how cute. Now that I got that little tidbit out the way, let’s look at his review of the NES game Predator.

0:17: Hey a title card, that happens to be a shitty photoshop of Bores in the line of a sniper scope, yeah it’s a terrible rendition of the movie poster.

0:19 – 0:43: The video starts with a stock rainforest image and Chris Bores walking through his apartment glaring around the potted plants, okaaaay this is weird. He finds the game, picks it up and tries to give an “Irate” face. There are so many problems with this intro it’s scary. Remember back at his Indiana Jones review where he was walking outside pretending it was South America? Here he’s just moving his potted plants around pretending to be outside, and it’s not even close to convincing as you can see his wall. Also when he picks up the game he’s showing the label to the camera and “scowling” at the back of the cart. Last I checked the back of an NES cartridge is BLANK! Let’s just move on with this crap.

0:44: “Turning a Hollywood movie into a video game always spells disaster.” Goldeneye, Super Star Wars, Spider-Man 2, The Godfather, The Chronicles of Riddick, and Aladdin would like a word with you (oh and keep an eye on Aladdin).

0:52: “This game isn’t just bad; it’s like a shit-taco with cow urine as a dipping sauce.” Seriously dude lay off the food comparisons it just makes your fat face look even fatter.

1:23 – 1:26: “I guess I’ll have to beat these guys down with my FISTS OF FURY!” I’ve said before I won’t make a ton of AVGN comparisons; but that joke isn’t from an AVGN video. It’s from a video by wizwar100/LazyWorkCreations. What video you ask, oh just his review of Predator on the NES. Yeah, not satisfied with just stealing from James Rolfe he’s gone to other reviewers because people have caught on to him. Yes wizwar was not pleased with this.

1:31 – 1:35: “The worst thing about using your fists is that your attack range is limited.” Uh-duhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! So what’s your next intense observation? Jump from the wrong place and you’ll… wait he did that one. GOD FUCKING DAMN IT!

1:36: Fustrating Alert!

1:52 – 2:10: Bores starts whining about Dutch wearing pink resulting in the camera cutting to him in a weird angle (showing his TV and large Brawl box for some reason) where he comments “His pink outfit makes me angry! I want to kill him! I’M NOT GAY!” Well that’s the impression I got.

*50 seconds of wizwar stealing later*

2:57 – 3:25: IG says you find a gun in Level 3 which is WRONG! You can get a gun in the very first part of the game, just go to the left and jump up. Then he starts ranting that it’s a laser and how that wasn’t in the movie. Does this motherfucker know about Nintendo’s Regulations in the 80s? They freaked out over simple guns, which is why Contra has different colored bullets and a laser. Yeah, you’re a gamer MY ASS IS A GAMER!

3:26: Fustrating Alert! Get speech lessons dude.

3:40 – 3:45: For some reason Bores is seen through a thermal scope (that doesn’t look thermal). I really hope he isn’t doing what I think he’s doing.

4:17 – 4:44: Bores starts ranting on the weird “emenies” that weren’t in the movie (Hi, I’m a movie licensed NES game. My characteristics include terrible gameplay and enemies that weren’t in the movie). He suggests throwing in random enemies like cows, sharks, and Richard Simmons Work-Out videos. I’d note how stupidly unfunny that last one is but I noticed when AGEntertainment reviewed the AVGN and IG’s DVDs he made a sight gag with a Richard Simmons DVD in reference to IG’s DVD, but that’s probably a coincidence.

5:15 – 5:38: After defeating a Predator he whines that there’s more then one Hunter and it’s not like the movie. I’d say something about the sequel but we’re getting into Dead Horse Territory now. Then he makes some joke about being watched, I think it’s a joke because he’s a terrible actor.

6:15 – 6:29: After some ranting on the small platforms he does the “bottomless pit” joke where Dutch keeps falling but goes through other NES games then the Bores Devil reading a newspaper. God I’ve seen funnier jokes from Dane Cook.

6:47 – 7:24: He reaches some level (he doesn’t say which number) and starts shaking his controller like a Parkinson’s victim, I guess it’s because he’s “angry” but again Bores is a horrible actor so his “Irate nature” is extremely forced.

The review ends with one of the absolute worst climaxes I’ve ever seen in a video. Bores is nearly shot by a bad special effect when the Predator shows up, ah jeez he did do this. He fights the Hunter, beats him senseless, and then blows his head off with the Predator’s gun. Okay this isn’t just ripping off the AVGN’s concepts, this is fucking stealing! No other video reviewer fights the character from the game, and blowing the Hunter’s head off was exactly like the end of James’ Friday the 13th review. Seriously people try to defend this crap? What is wrong with you? How can you not see the similarities? How are these just coincidences? WHY DO YOU PISS ME OFF SO MUCH BORES AHHHHH *static* My God I thought you’d never break down again. Well I’ll finish this rant off.

Next time Daniel will break down his Mario & Sonic At the Olympic Games review, his Iron Man movie “review” (you’ll see why this is in quotations), and Part 1 of his R.O.B. review. I think Daniel will need some time to recover.

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

More cereal, Contra 3 with a Vengenace, and Battalion Wars II

Finally, time to end all his bullshit diatribes about Contra. Oh right that’s going to have to wait a little bit longer as Bores released another breakfast related video to “tide over the fans” or something. Though this isn’t a rant, it’s a “documentary” about the new language “Rice Krispanese.” I wish I was making that up, and since the video is less than 2 minutes in length don’t expect a minute-by-minute analysis.

Bores talks in a VERY retarded voice about the mystery of Rice Krispies and the language they speak, then he’s seen walking in a snowy area that’s supposed to be a mountain but it’s really his backyard. Bores announces he found the “Rice Krispies Rosetta Stone” and because of this Rice Krispanese became very popular. Surpassing Spanish, French, and Klingon in terms of use, and again I swear he puts effort into being unfunny.

After that non-joke he shows a poorly photoshopped newspaper, a painful joke about singing cereal, then a cancer-inducing impression of Jerry Seinfeld. He ends this torture by asking if the language will stay or fade out like the Macerana. I’m amazed; he took a routine by George Carlin and stabbed all the hilarity out of it. Luckily Bores stopped doing videos on breakfast because NO ONE CARES ABOUT THEM!

Alright no more distractions, let’s rant on the final Contra review and hopefully end it. Oh, in the description Bores remarks this review went through 5 re-writes. You know, if he really does look over his scripts then why are there so many errors in every one of them?

0:20: Starts with Contra III: The Alien Wars

0:28: Notice how Contra Force is still there, if he wanted to keep continuity he shouldn’t have shown it since it was destroyed!

0:45 – 0:55: Before he starts the game he goes to the Options menu and sets the difficulty to Easy. The following quote is from Armake21, some words were changed to reflect this text format. “Who, reading this right now, has to play Contra III on EASY because they can’t handle it on Normal or Hard? You hear the crickets? That’s because any gamer worth their salt is NOT going to play Contra on Easy, Contra on Easy is a fucking joke! More so he bitched and moaned about the other two games HE doesn’t even know what the fuck he’s talking about! He proves nonstop that he’s an ignorant motherfucker that doesn’t know half as much as what he’s talking about then he claims. He just looks pretty on camera.” I couldn’t have said it better.

1:11 – 1:16: After listing the new weapons he claims “They even upgraded the shitty laser, a well-deserved update.” Fuck! Because Bores uses a Turbo he believes he’s right! Oh but that’s not the only egotistical bullshit we’ll be seeing from him.

1:25 – 1:32: He shows a chart saying Contra games follow a pattern of getting harder each game. Gah, if anything they’ve gotten easier since the first! Super C was way too easy and Contra III stepped it up a bit but not difficult like the first. Also, don’t fucking judge the difficulty if you’re playing on Easy.

Bitch Bitch Bitch Bitch Whine Whine Whine Whine

2:42 – 2:58: He reaches the last level and fights a mini-boss that’s the same as the second to last boss from the first game and says “Coool I wish I could capture this in a postcard” and he creates one! God I’ve seen Dora the Explorer jokes funnier then this!

2:59 – 3:25: He starts going through the bosses and starts whining that their all the same from other games and asks if they ran out of ideas. Noooo the aliens in this game are the same as the first two so you shouldn’t be surprised if they reuse them! Besides, this is supposed to be the “End of Vile Red Falcon” so killing all the boss aliens seems appropriate for this game. Oh and he doesn’t point out the final bosses second form despite being one of the hardest bosses in gaming history.

3:29 – 3:49: IG beats the game and whines that he didn’t get a proper ending. I quote “I just spend an hour trying to beat this game and this is the ending I get?” Just an hour? You really are a wimp aren’t you Bores?

3:50 – 4:25: Bores starts bitching about wasting time to beat it on Normal (it’s not a waste of time, its called replay value) and whines that you have to beat it on Hard for the true ending. So he makes up his own ending with “Go Fuck Yourself you Gaming Asshole.” Okay this is too obvious, that “joke” was directly lifted from the AVGN’s Ghostbusters Follow-Up video where the Nerd re-writes the ending to the NES game with the message “Now Go Fuck Yourself.” There are people out there who try to defend things like this and it’s really sad.

5:05 – 5:22: After IG lists off other Contra games he begins his review of Contra 4 on the DS, then he ends it. Seriously the time you see is how much was spent on it. It doesn’t help since the title of the video says he’s reviewing Contra 3 and 4 and just mentioning the game DOES NOT qualify as a review.

The review ends with Bores saying he doesn’t want to see another alien and starts playing Simon’s Quest (you can hear the music) and then he hears something, so he looks outside and sees the sprites from Space Invaders. Didn’t Futurama do this joke, only it was far funnier?

So, what have we learned from the Contra Trilogy? I don’t think I learned anything at all. You know, doing a trilogy on one series of games reminds me of the AVGN doing a trilogy of Ghostbusters games way back in 2007, but that’s reaching too far. No wait I did learn something; that the Irate Gamer’s fans are fucking retarded 10 year olds! Nearly every legit gamer went against him after his Contra reviews and the only people staying have never played these games.

Oh yeah, Bores released an Outtake reel from his Contra videos. But they’re all the same with him stuttering over the lines so I won’t cover that (in fact all his outtakes are like that).

Well I’ve got time for one more shitty review so let’s look at his “NEO” review of Battalion Wars 2 for the Wii.

0:20 – 0:40: He says he didn’t like the game and that’s it. Yay quickest review ever I’m *notices there’s at least 3 minutes left* God damn it.

0:50 – 0:56: Bores says the game is a Strategy Fighter similar to Rogue Squadron. Wait, Rogue Squadron? That’s an Arcade-Style Shooter not a Strategy game. If anything BW2 is similar to the Advance Wars series.

1:06 – 1:16: “I’m not good at these games” then why review it? “You have to use a lot of strategy to win” Thank You Captain Obvious.

1:28 – 1:46: “I sure love the cutscenes, they’re like Lord of the Rings Hur Dur Dur.” Dude, if you only like the cinematic scenes then go watch a damn movie (but don’t review it).

1:54 – 2:11: He notes the Army Generals the player works for and starts drooling over the token female. Am I the only one creeped out by this?

2:22 – 3:04: Bores starts whining about your superior officers constantly talking and that they never shut up. You mean like the real army? *Sees Bores fat ass* Oh right. Then he starts whining that he failed the mission because they wouldn’t stop talking. To quote FFL2and3Rocks (a guy who parodies the Irate Gamer) “Therefore it’s the game’s fault that I suck!”

3:14 – 3:19: His biggest “complaint” is that only a few cutscenes have the token female. Dude don’t bring your perverted fantasies into your videos, the reviews are already disgusting enough.

So he ends the review by using the game as a coaster. How boring. Like I said before his Neo reviews are very short and say very little about the game. Thus I can’t really do the “What Have we Learned” segments unless it’s an extra bad review. Next time I’ll look at his reviews of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles comics printed by Archie and Q*Bert for the NES.

The Irate Gamer has horrible taste in movies. But first, wrestling.

Before I finish his Contra trilogy, I might as well get a couple of his other “reviews” out the way. One of them a review of a WWE wrestling game, the other a Top 10 List of movies, the latter being in two parts for some reason.

First, his “Neo” review of WWE Smackdown vs. Raw 2008.

Intro: Huh, looks like he has a new “theme song” for these Neo reviews. It’s just another instrumental I’m sure is in the public domain He also made a new logo, which is just the same one but with a big blue NEO at the bottom. Yeah Chris Bores is lazy.

0:25: Just thought I’d point out he’s reviewing the Wii version of this game, since he did the PS2 version of The Simpsons Game.

0:30 – 0:37: “I heard the Wii version is scaled down from the 360 and PS3 versions, that sucks.” WOW! It’s like he just discovered the Wii is the worst of the three consoles this generation! He is such a great gamer! Next time he’ll talk about the Atari 2600 being worse then the NES! Yaaaaay Kill me please.

0:37 – 0:46: With this knowledge he threatens to destroy the game before playing it. Wait, isn’t Bores supposed to be a Nintendo Fanboy? *phone rings* Hello? He’s a graphics whore? That explains so much.

1:11 – 1:41: Bores points out the “incredibly detailed intros” and compares it to past Wrestling games that don’t have intros. *head-desk* This isn’t the first game to use big intros! Is this the first modern wrestling game you’ve ever played? With every video he just proves non-stop he has no idea what he’s talking about.

1:56 – 2:04: After pointing out the fast loading times he attempts a joke with “There’s nothing worse then waiting for those long” *Now Loading* “ass loading times.” Yeah because THIS joke hasn’t been done a million times before you piece of shark-shit.

2:10 – 2:24: “Bitching about lack of match options” Okay that’s a good “Lists off every kind of match” SHUT UP!

2:25 – 2:42: “Waaah this game isn’t like real wrestling waaah” Go watch real wrestling then and stop making videos.

2:44 – 3:14: IG points out the create-a-character option and attempts to create one of himself (again, ego much?) and gives himself an overblown intro and comments “It’s like looking into a mirror.” At least he didn’t review Soul Calibur IV or Rock Band, otherwise he’d do the same exact joke and it would get even less funny then it already is.

3:16 – 3:37: You know, I think Chris Bores wanted to be a Ghostbuster or a Wrestler when he grew up. However ghosts aren’t real so he did his shitty ghost hunting show, and he was a terrible actor so he couldn’t wrestle and thus couldn’t get a big intro. Seriously all he’s talked about in this review were the Intros. There’s more to pro wrestling then a big flashy intro, it’s about entertaining the audience and obeying Vince McMahon. By the way Bores would be a total Heel.

3:57 – 4:25: After IG explains the career mode he points out something about a Diva and starts ranting about that for a good 30 seconds. Last I checked people don’t buy Wrestling games for whatever it is you’re talking about. When I say Bores talks about pointless shit, this is what I mean.

4:44 – 4:56: He apologizes to his shredder (what) that the game was good so he takes Bad Dudes for the NES, says it’s crap compared to the Arcade version (dude enough with the Arcade Fellatio) and “shreds it.” What was the point of this? The review wasn’t even close to 10 minutes so how could he pad out time for something this short? WHY DO YOU DO SUCH POINTLESS SHIT?

Well the review finally *notices at least 30 seconds left* OH FOR THE LOVE OF…

The final 30 seconds are old wrestling matches that Bores attended, and the TV footage shows him acting like an idiot. This review was just pointless, though it’s weird since it’s the longest “Neo” review he’s ever done (seriously these modern reviews are like three to three and a half minutes each). I didn’t learn anything about the game; in fact I think I forgot info about games I love! YOU MOTHERFUCKER!

Enough of this, let’s view his first attempt at getting into movie reviews with the “Top 10 Summer Movies of 2008.” Since this list is out-dated expect some messed up info. Note in the description he says “He’s tired of Lousy Summer Lists” so he made his own.

Intro: Blah Blah Blah Summer Movies “I read AOL’s Top 20 Movies this year and it sucked, there’s Jennifer Aniston Bitch bitch bitch” Huh, wasn’t the only 2008 movie with Jennifer Aniston “Marley and Me” which I heard was pretty good? You know this is like his throw-away joke about The Wicker Man, it has nothing to do with the video and it’s just in there because Bores can’t write a blog.

Movie 10: The X-Files: I Want to Believe. HAHAHA Oh this is off to a great start guys. Even the fans knew this movie was going to suck before release, and I’m not talking about the hardcore fanboys. So Bores says it’s not about aliens but instead the paranormal and uses that to plug his shitty Ghost Hunting show. Too bad this movie was garbage, even Joe Dunn of “Joe Loves Crappy Movies” hated it (and he gave Wild Hogs a good score).

Movie 9: Harold & Kumar: Escape from Guantanamo Bay. Meh. Bores notes that “Doogie Howser” is in this movie and “that’s pretty cool.” Dude he’s a respectable actor now call him Neil Patrick Harris not a character he played as a kid. By the way his style of “describing the film” is something to watch out for in his future movie reviews.

Movie 8: The Incredible Hulk (2008). Okay a worthy Summer Movie. He rants about the Hulk being a lame character blah blah blah. However he remarks “I’ll just keep him away from my Nintendo system” well showing the NES. Even in his movie reviews he shows he’s not a gamer, there never was a Hulk game for the NES. Also “They casted Edward Norton as Rex Banner” So he isn’t a fan of The Hulk after all! Otherwise he’d know HIS NAME IS BRUCE BANNER YOU ASSMONKEY! Another stupid quote “Bringing in a big-name actor makes me want to see it.” This will come and bite him in the far future and you’ll know when.

Movie 7: Hellboy II: The Golden Army. Again, meh. He notes he liked the first movie, never read the comics, more about characters, talks about Frasier for some reason. This part wasn’t that bad.

Movie 6: Iron Man. Hey a movie that’s decent! “I think every movie released should be a comic book movie!” Closed-minded aren’t we Bores? “This was another great movie I’d like to see get the Live-Action treatment” wait what? I thought this was the first Iron Man movie? Was there one made 20 years ago I don’t know about? Is he talking about an animated film GAH WHY ARE YOU SO STUPID BORES! Oh and he only read a few issues, big surprise. He finishes off talking about the effects and the trailer being cool. Note that he always refers to the trailer as a reference of a film’s quality; however the old mantra is that you should never trust a trailer.

Movie 5: Hancock. Yeah that hype was short-lived. “After seeing the spectacular movie trailer, I was literally blown away” I don’t know why but that line makes me laugh. Bores points out Will Smith is the lead and references I Robot, Men in Black, and Enemy of the State as “great movies.” Wait, I Robot was terrible. It pissed all over Isaac Asimov’s excellent work, turning it into a corporate whore! Let’s just see his next idiotic choice.

Movie 4: The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor. Seriously? Even my sister hated this movie and she doesn’t know better. He notes the first two Brendan Fraser Mummy films are some of his favorites (wow, he has horrible taste) and The Mummy was his first DVD (VERY HORRIBLE TASTE). Again he talks about the effects like they’re the most important factor. You know what Chris Bores is? He’s the person that believes Michael Bay is the greatest director of all time because he uses over-the-top effects in all his movies.

Movie 3: Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. Hahahaha, oh wow. “How long has it been since the last movie 10 years?” Holy fucking shit he is stupid! 2 minutes in Google or IMDB would reveal 19 years! That’s a big difference! When referring to Indy’s son “He’s even got Louis Stevens with him” *sighs* Shia LaBeouf is also a professional actor, albeit a bad one but he has broken out of the child actor curse.

Movie 2: The Dark Knight. Wait, he voted this number 2? This was one of the best movies of the year what could be number 1? “Blah blah I’m a Batman fan blah blah” He noted he was worried that Christopher Nolan would make another Batman & Robin… I hate you.

Okay, since The Dark Knight, Indiana Jones, and Iron Man weren’t at the top, let’s see what movie he chose as his top pick. Maybe it’s some indie movie, or Speed Racer, let’s see!

Movie 1: Dragon Ball. *stares* ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? The live-action Dragon Ball? There has to be something wrong with him, there’s no other explanation. “Dragon Ball is a piece of literary genius” You know I could spend pages on this line alone, but this is getting long let’s just try and finish this. He bashes the hardcore fans but says since the series is over 400 episodes it will be epic. Alright, I’m now convinced Chris Bores does have brain damage.

This rant is over. I’ve confirmed Bores has an awful taste in movies and should NEVER review them. Next time, the final Contra review and something about Rice Krispies, I need to go watch some good movies.

Sunday, July 26, 2009

Contra 2 Contra Harder

Not satisfied with pissing off real gamers by insulting Contra, he decided to release a second part and review more Contra games. This time the other two NES Contra games Super C and Contra Force.

Grab your Flamethrower and hang on.

0:33 – 0:39: “How would anyone know it’s a Contra sequel just by looking at the cover?” Gee I don’t know, how about the BIG FUCKING C ON THE FRONT!

0:54 – 1:14: IG starts ranting on Super C being much harder then the first. For fuck sake Super C is easier then the first! You just suck! Oh and the footage he shows is extremely unconvincing as he barely fires his weapon and, I’m not kidding, jumps into the enemies on purpose. The worst instance is at the first boss, where he’s just jumping around trying to avoid the enemies instead of FIRING HIS WEAPON! We’re off to a great start huh?

1:15 – 1:21: “I guess if I had a controller for a hand, I’d stand a sporting chance. But since I don’t, death is pretty much imminent.” He says this while showing a terrible photoshopped image of his hand as an NES controller. You know, boomstick545 used this picture as an example saying “After Effects do not make videos better.” He’s right on that.

1:30 – 1:36: After ranting on the aliens being tougher (pfft) the camera cuts to Bores in another wide-angle shot when a Galaga? Spaceship flies into his shoulder. Like I’ve said before, that Family Guy humor sure rots the brain. I’m serious don’t watch that crap.

1:40 – 1:56: Bores begins to whine about a power-up on a ledge that’s impossible to reach. He concludes to this diatribe with “Don’t they know that White Men Can’t Jump?” UGGGGGGGGGH next scene.

1:56 – 2:16: Since Bores is a crappy gamer and thinks Super C is harder, he starts to bitch that the game doesn’t have the 30 Lives Code, instead it has a code for 10 Lives. Well since the game is easier I think 10 Lives are reasonable oh wait look who I’m talking to.

2:17 – 2:36: You’re not going to believe this but IG says he’s going to need a Game Genie. He “obtains” one by “rubbing a magic lava lamp” (rather a bad special effect) and asks for Infinite Continues. Is there anything else I can say other then “You Suck” because that’s all I can think of. He just sucks at this.

Yes I know the AVGN used a Game Genie a couple of times but his reasons were far different. Here Chris Bores just sucks at the game and doesn’t try to beat it with his skill.

2:37 – 2:56: The Sage Douche returns and joins Bores for another 2-Player game. He attempts his badass pose again and puts sunglasses over his sunglasses? Didn’t Airplane do this joke? But it was far funnier?

2:57: “Having a second player in this game is pretty much a requirement if you’re going to reach the end.” This video is over 10 minutes people!

3:31 – 3:42: After a long time bitching and moaning about the amount of enemies (in every clip they die on purpose its un-fucking-believable) we get another strange zoomed-out shot meaning another stupid joke. Another ship from Galaga appears and Bores blows it up with his Zapper, and yes he uses the same explosion effect as every other fucking time!

3:44 – 4:00: IG reaches a level with a lowering ceiling and 6 alien orbs. I swear you have to see this to believe me but he’s not even shooting at them. He’s just standing there shooting at the side waiting for them to kill him. You know, the idea of a game review is to show an honest view of the game. Pointing out the positives and negatives and if the game is worth a purchase. What you don’t do is make the game look worse then it really is! This is the same as Super Mario Bros. 2 when he slowed down the Invincibility Star and now he’s not even shooting at the enemies.

4:39 – 4:47: “Durrr I’m not sure if I beat the game, I did not get no ending durrrr!” Last I checked the credits mean the game is over! You won!

4:48 – 5:10: After noticing the credits thank The Super C Team he flips the team off (oh yeah they’re watching your shitty video) and starts whining about how bad the game is. I can summarize his rant in one word “WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!”

5:11: IG begins his review of Contra Force

Let’s see, game is expensive, not a real Contra game, blah blah blah. Let’s keep going.

6:25 – 6:40: He notes that nothing was changed from the original Arc Hound and compares it to Super Mario Bros. 2 and that Nintendo put Mario characters in there. Who reading this can name at least 3 memorable Contra characters? No answers? That’s because nobody fucking cares about the Contra characters! Mario was already an established franchise with memorable characters. Nobody cared about the Contra characters, they just called them “Guy with Blue Pants” and “Guy with Red Pants.” So comparing this piece of crap to SMB2 is blasphemy.

6:40: “I wonder how many people bought this expecting a Contra game durrr?” *shakes head* Contra Force came out September 1992, five months after Contra III The Alien Wars on Super Nintendo. I think people were too busy with their Super Nintendo games to care.

7:23 – 8:05: He points out the AI controlled partner but says it’s worthless due to a 5 second timer and bad AI. Yet he keeps using it? Oh and he doesn’t use the term “AI.”

8:28 – 8:38: Bores has “had enough” and decides to use the Game Genie for invincibility. By the way the effect he uses to “enter the code” has plain text fly out of the Genie and into the NES. That’s because he uses an emulator and doesn’t show him putting the Game Genie on the Cartridge.

9:07 – 9:12: After IG shows off the plane level he remarks “Too bad the jet sounds were taken from Top Gun, ah well.” He does know its common practice for companies to re-use their sounds right? He does know Top Gun and Contra Force were both developed by Konami right? *looks around and leans in* He doesn’t.

The review ends with Bores beating the game then burning it (yeah it’s another crappy special effect and jump-cut) and that next time is Contra III. So what have we learned about Super C and Contra Force? How about the fact that Chris Bores is even less legit then that manly chick from IGN, you know the one that reviewed GTA IV and Sonic Unleashed?

I mean, Super C is harder then the first? So much so it’s impossible? What is wrong with you? Again the Contra torture isn’t over with one more part to this horror. Luckily this won’t be the next part (YAAAAAY) however I will look over two other videos (technically three). His “NEO” review of WWE Smackdown vs. Raw 08 and his Top Ten Summer Movies 2008. That’s right he’s going into movie reviews now, be very VERY afraid.

Contra: Bores is a complete wuss

I’m fucked. There’s no way I will make it through this one. I mean, he’s reviewing Contra, one of the most beloved games for the NES. Since he thought great games like Ninja Turtles II, Zombies Ate my Neighbors and Super Mario Bros. 2 are utter shit… *gulps and sighs*

Let’s grab our Spread-Gun and get going.

0:20 – 0:26: We get a title card set to the Contra intro music as IG and what looks like Obi-Wan Kenobi on crack taking the places of the Contra guys. Well I will give him credit; he got another person into this shit instead of wearing another mask. It only took 14 episodes, you get a gold star.

0:42 – 0:52: While explaining the popularity of the game (AKA Wikipedia facts) he lists off the guns and calls the Spreader “The Spray Gun.” At this point I’d say “read the manual you twat” but in a minute or so you’ll see why I’m not saying that. Oh and he does an unnecessary green-screen effect where he’s shooting a gun from the game.

1:00 – 1:03: “Even though this game was awesome, it still had its share of flawls.” His definition of flaws being miniscule annoyances that do NOT in anyway detract from the value of the game. So yes this is going to be painful.

1:05: “Where’s the backstory to this game?” Shoot me now.

1:07 – 1:26: He begins to question why he’s fighting there and if there’s a reason to it. He notes that there could be an explanation in the manual but says no one reads those, and he follows that by saying “I can’t waste my time reading about a game, I just gotta play it” as he throws handfuls of manuals into the air. Where the fuck do I start with this? Here’s the thing, it’s an 8-Bit Nintendo game the story is almost always in the manual. If you can’t spend 10 seconds reading the god damn story then why should you even bitch about it? Also, many people read the instruction manuals to find out the story. By saying you don’t have time to read them shows you suffer from severe ADD (and you’ll soon see I’m not kidding with this). This also does explain his bitching in past videos about the lack of story, he doesn’t read the manual. You call yourself an old-school gamer and yet you claim that the instruction manual isn’t important. That was the only source outside of magazines and crazy friends to learn about the game.

I’m only 90 seconds in and I want to stab my hand. I thought I got over that urge.

1:27 – 2:13: After his whining about manuals, he notes it’s obvious what the objective is from the title of the game (not really) and begins to wonder what happened before. So he re-enacts what he thinks happened where the Pentagon receives word about terrorists and Bores in a mustache orders to wake the president (with some of the WORST acting possible). He then shows the “8-Bit Translation” but stops because it’s too painful.

*reaches for knife but stops* So cockjuggler you don’t want to find out the story from the manual but you want to make your own awful story up because you think you’re so fucking special! What right do you have to make your own Contra Fanfiction when it already has an established story? Is this your way of padding out time? Why do you piss me off so much?! WHY DO YOU PISS EVERYONE OFF SO MUCH?! BLOOD RAPE MURDER KILL SDFSDF *static* I didn’t think I’d come back anytime soon. Sheesh we’re only 2 minutes in and he’s going crazy. Give us a few minutes.

2:16 – 2:31: He questions the story AGAIN asking why they’d only send 2 troops. Then he tries to make a joke saying the one who did it was Gomer Pyle and does a GOD-AWFUL impression of him.

2:54 – 3:18: Bores mentions the many weapons upgrades but says to avoid the Laser because pressing the button over and over only lets it travel a few feet (Urge to Kill Rising). He notes to “avoid it like the fucking plague” and getting it will kill you. Which prompts him to do a lame sprite joke where touching the Laser Icon kills him (boooooo!) I quoted the plague line because that’s a well-known catchphrase of former angry reviewer Armake21 (I say former because he’s too busy with good games). But the laser is FAR from worthless. The trick is to press the button once to let it travel, because pressing it again will restart the fire making it very opposed to button-mashers/Turbo users.

3:18 – 3:44: Speaking of Turbo Controllers. IG bitches that your thumb will hurt because you have to press the B Button over and over. This prompts a “joke” where he mashes the button repeatedly causing his controller to catch fire and explode (Hey that’s not funny!) So he cries “Well shit, looks like I’m gonna need a Turbo Controller.” Wow, what a pussy. If you really have been playing for 20 years then you wouldn’t NEED a Turbo Controller.

3:44 – 4:02: Here he says Single-Player is pretty much impossible because of the large amount of enemies. Look at the gameplay, he’s not even TRYING! He’s only firing a few shots at a time and dying on purpose. Again, he’s intentionally making the game look worse then it is.

4:02 – 4:25: Because he likes to pad for time he does ANOTHER montage! At the end of it he throws his controller and cries “This game is too freakin’ hard!” Fuck you, go play Barbie’s Horse Adventures if you don’t want a challenge. If you were a true gamer you wouldn’t complain about the difficulty in CONTRA!

At least with Contra the difficulty is balanced out with great control and good graphics. Let’s look at a couple of games the AVGN has reviewed, Silver Surfer and Dragon’s Lair. In Silver Surfer everything kills you in one hit, literally. Because the walls kill you there are parts of the game where it’s hard to tell between a wall and the background making it hard to pass through. In Dragon’s Lair everything kills you in one hit, and it’s hard to progress because the controls are terrible. What I’m saying is that Contra is the good kind of hard game, the kind you want to keep playing to win!

4:25 – 4:50: Bores is about to give up when… Oh God. The Obi-Wan Kenobi on crack appears and tells him to “Use the Code Luke.” You know Star Wars references are only funny when relevant, which lately seems to be NEVER! Bores thanks “The Wise Sage” and tells him he’s not Luke which I’m guessing was some joke but I can’t tell because he lacks any semblance of humor.

4:50: “What is this code you ask?” Its official, he takes his audience for idiots. The only people who wouldn’t know the code are the commoners that drifted from Shane Dawson, Michael Fuckley, or Fred to your horseshit page. By the way, the code is “Up Up Down Down Left Right Left Right B A Start” and if you didn’t know this then get off my page.

4:58: “This code is considered infamous, among most old-school gamers out there” *sees the T-Shirts and merchandise* Thank you Captain Obvious.

5:04 – 5:24: Bores attempts to make entering the code “epic” by doing it to music and raising his arms in triumph or rather “Yaaay I did it! I went to the potty all by myself!” He notices it doesn’t work and being the tard he is, realizes he needs to be on the Start-Up Screen. These jokes are physically painful, like Dane Cook painful.

5:28 – 5:44: Hey kids! It’s time for another Chris Bores joke! “It might also be a good idea to have a second-player helping out; I’ll just get one of my friends to play. Hey Guys!” We cut to stock photos of empty areas as he ‘calls out for his friends’ and realizes “Maybe I should get some friends first.” *crickets* Wow even the kids didn’t find that one funny, in fact they look thirsty for blood. OH F- *static* Don’t worry Daniel I’ll save you! *rat-tat-tat-tat-tat-tat-tat* YOU VULTURES! DIE DIE DIE!

Let’s not talk about that again. A BIG LIPPED ALLIGATOR MOMENT! *stares* Moving on.

5:44 – 5:54: The Wise Sage returns to help out and attempts a “badass pose” by lowering his hood and wearing sunglasses. I think I’ve figured out why Bores doesn’t get other people in his videos, they’re horrible actors (not to mention the Sage has mentioned on YouTube he hates the Irate Gamer’s videos, well not directly but I get the feeling he does).

6:00 – 6:14: He begins “praising” the game saying the coolest feature is the 2-Player mode. Wow it’s like he just discovered friends! Next time maybe he’ll learn about online gaming! Ooooh won’t that be a treat.

6:35 – 6:55: Bores mentions how unique the level bosses are and wonders what they’ll get for Level 3. They see an alien and suddenly “horror music” begins playing and they get “surprised” reactions. My God these reactions SUCK! There’s a difference between faking surprise and “faking surprise.” They’re doing the latter.

WARNING: The following scene has erupted Daniel into a volcano of rage. Run as fast as you can.

6:55 – 7:15: “Now just wait a minute here. There are aliens in this game? What the shit? I thought I was fighting a terrorist war, now I’m fighting an alien war?” *Indecipherable Rage* YOU WOULD KNOW THIS IF YOU READ THE MANUAL! This isn’t a big surprise IN THE SLIGHTEST! This changes NOTHING about the game! If this was an attempt at a joke then YOU NEED TO GET A FUCKING IDEA ON HOW TO WRITE HUMOR! Gaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! He tries to make up for this saying “I should have looked at the box a little bit closer.” YOU ARE A MOTHERFUCKING RETARD! How could ANYONE be this stupid? Were you trying to be funny? WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?

7:43 – 7:58: Bores and The Sage Douche reach the final level (game genie sure is good huh) and IG begins to whine about the “cotton ball enemies” saying they don’t leave you alone blah blah blah. Dude shoot the giant mouths that SPIT them, they aren’t that bad.

The review FINALLY ends with Bores beating the game and noting how the “Universe is saved” and states “I didn’t know this was a battle of such epic porportions” Yes I found ANOTHER mispronounced word. To people that think these “flubs” are part of his accent, he’s from Ohio. No one talks like that.

He tries to make this a “cliffhanger” saying the aliens will return in Super C and adding a “24 parody” with the mustache Bores and Sage Douche looking for “Luke.” So what have we learned about Contra? I don’t know did he review it? Actually I learned that Bores knows NOTHING and is a complete hack! Oh but the Contra torture isn’t over because next time we’ll look at “Part 2” where he “reviews” Super C and Contra Force. At least I’m alive.

Saturday, July 25, 2009

Tetris: Seriously? Also Bakers.

Why? Why Tetris? I’m not kidding when I say everyone and their grandmother have played this game. How can you even review Tetris? *sighs* Let’s just get this one over with. I should mention that this review “reveals” another scandal. Oh now I know this one is going to suck.

0:36 – 0:45: After asking what a Tetris is (ugh) Bores claims it comes from the Greek word “Tetra” meaning segments with 4 pieces. Nice try Bores, but that’s WRONG! The word Tetris is a combination of Tetromino (a geometric shape with 4 pieces) and Tennis (Alexey Pajitnov’s favorite sport). Two minutes in Google.

1:05: His first “review” is the Unlicensed Tengen version for the NES. He doesn’t even mention this game is unlicensed just “It’s hard to find.” Again, he shows no effort in his script-writing.

1:13 - 1:27: He points out the ability to choose your music and asks “Do they have Van Halen?” and he points to “Panama” (shopped in there) and it begins to play that song. Because full Van Halen songs would be in an 8-Bit Nintendo game, especially one from Russia. This is my BOOMSTICK! *fires*

1:49 – 1:55: After explaining how the game works (What the flying fuck is he doing? Who does NOT know the rules of Tetris? Again, everyone has played this game!) IG “jokes” that he’s glad Tetris physics don’t apply in real life and shows an example by putting an NES cart in his shelf and using a special effect to send the games away.

2:08 – 2:28: Bores points out the Russian Dancers that come out between levels and *sighs* uses a green-screen effect to join in. Who tells him these are good ideas? Does he teach mentally challenged kids who laugh at anything? Oh then he mentions doing well enough brings out female dancers, and does the same gag asking for the girl’s phone number.

2:46 – 2:52: After IG notes the blocks fall faster (durrr it’s like a video game of some sort!) the camera cuts to him in a weird wide-angle lens shot when a … Tetris block comes down. To quote King Leonidas “THIS ISN”T FUNNY!”

3:02 – 4:02: Bores then asks what the point of the rising bars on the left side are and wants to find out what happens when they reach the top, so he does a montage set to a Korobeinki remix. Oh and look at how he mashes the buttons, it’s been a while but I don’t think you mash the A-Button in Tetris. Seriously it’s so unconvincing when he does that montage.

After finally figuring out what happens he flips out because they don’t do anything. Well that was a waste of time Bores, but hey you need to make these shitty videos at least 10 minutes because you might get picked up for a TV Show… BAHAHAHAHAHA!

4:09 – 4:15: “Why did Nintendo release a Tetris of their own? Did they want to expand on the concept?” Noooo the Tengen version was unlicensed and Nintendo released their own official version to package with the Game Boy and released an NES version as well. Oh right, 20 years so you’re always right. How could I forget?

4:16: “Tetris was created by a guy in Russia” A guy in Russia? You mean Alexey Pajitnov? Dude if you want to make these videos “professional” then you should use the creator’s proper name. Though it might have been too hard for him to pronounce as we’ve seen how “fustrating” it is to correctly say a “chuck-full” of words like a-static, emenies, and flawls.

4:16 – 4:53: It seems asking that “Why would Nintendo release another version” question was pointless because he explained the history anyway! A rule that most film-makers use is that if you’re not satisfied with the product don’t use it. Lee of Still Gaming had a ton of abandoned episodes because he didn’t enjoy the game, or couldn’t think of material to write. What Chris Bores does is review Tetris and pad out the length because an actual review would be too much work. God I hate this show so much.

4:56: Begins his review of the licensed NES Tetris.

5:00 – 5:11: IG bitches that there’s only 3 song selections in the game and one being “Dance of the Sugar-Plum Fairy” and finds it stupid. Oh, I’m sorry for including RUSSIAN music in a RUSSIAN game, we’ll send out your replacement copy with crappy Midi versions of Hot for Teacher!

5:15 – 5:19: He also bitches about Nintendo removing the 2-Player mode that “was popular in the Atari version.” Wait, didn’t he say earlier that the Atari version was only on store shelves for 4 weeks? How would he know it was popular if it had a short life-span? Again he contradicts himself and doesn’t check his scripts to see if anything can be fixed.

5:45: During a list of everything he needs to worry about in the game he notes “Scoring Points.” Wait, didn’t you say in your Ghosts N Goblins review that you don’t care about the points? So why do you care now? Like I said then, the points on a Nintendo game don’t matter since the only person beating your high score is yourself.

5:57 – 6:07: Chris Bores in pre-production: Durrrr that gag with the Tetris block sure was funnay, I should do the same thing but with that stone thing from Mario! Sure it doesn’t have nothing to do with the game, but I’ll do it anyway durrr!

6:17 – 6:28: IG notes how addicting the game is and tries to stop playing but pretends the game is a drug and keeps going. Come on Tetris isn’t that addicting.

6:37: Begins reviewing Tetris 2. Why? Uhhhh Hey look over there!

6:51 – 7:00: After IG comments on the sequel having bombs he’s in ANOTHER wide-angle shot, meaning he’s going to do another “something drops from the sky” joke. This time it’s a bomb! Because that joke was sooo funny the first TWO-HUNDRED TIMES YOU DID IT!

7:45 – 8:01: After finishing his review of Tetris 2 he realizes he’s addicted (no, Rock Band is an addiction because I spent over $500 dollars on that game alone, you can play Tetris for FREE on the Internet) so he stops. After “going insane” (through some bad acting) the Eggplant Wizard from Kid Icarus shows up. Why? Because he’s a pusher of puzzle games and offers Dr. Mario. What was the point of this?

9:02 – 9:31: After reviewing Dr. Mario he enters another montage that looks extremely fake. In fact game reviewer AkewsticRockR made fun of this scene in his “Upset Gamer” parody video because of how fake it is. During this montage the virus sprites appear near his head because it’s an addiction or something? Let’s just end this.

The review ends with Bores waking up from a “puzzle game hangover” and preparing to play Yoshi’s Cookie while a “dun dun dun” plays because it’s a puzzle game. This was just an awful review! It wasn’t as bad as Ninja Turtles, Zombies Ate My Neighbors, or Super Mario Bros. 2 but the fact he even reviewed Tetris cements its status as shit. I can’t even do the What Have We Learned segment because everyone knows what Tetris is and teaching something that is common knowledge is like teaching someone how to eat. It’s pointless.

BONUS: Well I might as well get this one out of the way. The second and last Breakfast Rant he did.

This one was about Cinnamon Toast Crunch and how General Mills got rid of the other two bakers on the box. I have to ask those reading, do you care? In a recent video from The Nostalgia Critic about the best cereal mascots he noted that nobody knew the names of the other two bakers or cared what happened to them. The fact that Chris Bores even gave a rats-ass about this is just pathetic, it’s like bitching about a website getting rid of a chatroom that few used or cared about.

Next time I’ll be covering his review of Contra. Oh this is going to be heinous and foul in every sense of those words.

Friday, July 24, 2009

A tale of DVDs, Lucky Charms, and The Simpsons

Alright folks, we have a lot to cover today so let’s just get started.

After his Zombies Ate My Neighbors review, Chris Bores decided to release a DVD of “The Irate Gamer Show” containing the first 11 episodes. This DVD went on sale right around the time James Rofle announced he was releasing a DVD of The Angry Video Game Nerd. So people believe he just rushed this out to “compete” with The Nerd. When people got their hands on it, they concluded he DID rush it out. The episodes have barely changed and the “bonus features” are just pathetic. People noticed this as another sign that Bores wasn’t doing it for entertainment but monetary gain.

So what is on this DVD you ask? Episode-wise it has Back to the Future, Where’s Waldo, The Goonies II, Mission Impossible, Ghosts N Goblins, Jaws, Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom, Super Mario Bros. 2, MUSCLE, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, and Yo! Noid. Yeah, that’s it. But surely there are some good bonus features right? If you’ve read everything up until now then you know that isn’t the case. His “Extras” include Hotel Gaming, 30 Seconds of Outtakes, Trailers for TMNT and Yo! Noid and a “Making-Of” Special.

As I said the episodes have barely changed. He added his “Theme Song” to the earlier videos, but the other changes I’ve found are small at best. He added Tom Servo and Crow from Mystery Science Theater 3000 to the movie theater scene in Back to the Future, this pisses me off since I LOVE MST3K and he is not worthy of that show.

Another note-worthy change is that when he yelled “What a Shitload of Fuck!” in his Mission Impossible review. He changed it to “What a piece of shit!” I ask the 3 fans the Irate Gamer has, why would he do that?

He notes other changes at his website but they’re hardly noticeable, however there is the matter of the copyrighted footage on his DVD though he might fight it with Fair Use so I’m not going to bother with that.

As I said, his Bonus Features suck. There’s a video on DailyMotion that has all of them in the length of six minutes. The bloopers aren’t funny and the Making-Of video stems bullshit from the highest peaks. He credits the idea of an “Angry reviewer” as something he thought up out of the blue, he notes all the “effort” it takes to make these reviews (one clip shows him setting up his garage for Indiana Jones by moving a few boxes), he also says the TMNT video was the toughest to make as he reviewed 5 games. Look back at my breakdown and TELL ME he reviewed 5 games. Also, why put trailers for episodes that are already on the DVD?

I’ll link the channel from DailyMotion that has the entire DVD uploaded so you don’t have to waste $11 dollars on that crap.

After he released his DVD he decided to try something different then “video game reviews.” He decided to do rants about breakfast. I have no idea what was going through his mind when he thought this was a good idea but let’s look at his first “Breakfast Rant” on the cereal Lucky Charms. Since this video is 1:23 in length it won’t be a minute-by-minute breakdown.

Bores shows some stock grocery store images while commenting that breakfast is the most important meal of the day, then a “flashy intro” that has nothing to do with breakfast leading into the title card. So he decides to talk about Lucky Charms and his choice of rant is the different marshmallow shapes. I’m serious he dedicated an entire video to the different marshmallows in Lucky Charms. Bores ends the rant by saying “Breakfast is Ruined.”

There is so much wrong with this video. Who the fuck cares about the different marshmallow shapes? As long as the cereal tastes good I will eat it, I won’t look at a box of Lucky Charms and say “Huh, they got rid of the Pink Heart. Well I’m never buying this again” I mean it’s just childish. Bores also marked this video as “Part 1” like he was intending to make this series. Well he only made one more rant, I guess even Chris Bores thought this was a stupid idea and that’s saying a lot.

One more thing, people noted a lot of similarities in this video to James Rolfe’s series “You Know What’s Bullshit?” Citing the similar camera angles and stock images as examples, but they are very different. Why? When James does You Know What’s Bullshit it’s about modern annoyances that other people encounter, like the security stickers on DVDs or Printers. When Chris does “The Breakfast Rant” he complains about things no one cares about, it’s like *looks around* it’s like complaining about Sonic the Hedgehog having a different voice actor, who the fuck cares?

After his attempt at being the next BigAl2k6 or Hellsing920 fell flatter then a Japanese porn star’s chest Chris Bores decided to change up the “Irate Gamer Show” by creating a “Spin-Off” series where he reviews modern video games. To “separate” himself from his old-school reviews he titles these videos “Irate Gamer Neo.” So by reviewing modern games he believes he’s Neo from The Matrix? Let’s just look at “Neo’s” first review of The Simpsons Game; this will be minute-by-minute.

Intro: I saw that he included images of the other sites he hosted his videos, including GottGame and Freezecracker. However both those sites suck so adding Chris Bores to them just increased the suck value.

0:25: (As it says The Simpsons Game on the screen) “The Simpsons VIDEO Game” Kind of redundant don’t you think?

So far there’s nothing wrong, it feels like a normal review albeit The Simpsons cock-sucking and pointing out The Land of Chocolate music is different from the gag on the show, is that even worth mentioning?

2:37 – 2:41: He says he beat the first level with no problem at all BUT you can clearly see the newspaper say “Target: 5:00, Best: 9:55.” Before that he mentions he died constantly from the game’s bad camera angles. I don’t know what he’s talking about I played this and the camera angles were fine, though he played the PS2 version so it might be different.

2:45 – 3:00: He notes the game is good for younger kids since it’s not difficult and then brings up Ghosts N Goblins for some reason. Saying he can’t get over how bad that game is. I’m sorry but what does this have to do with anything? Couldn’t you just say “This game offers a fair amount of challenge” explain what’s easy and hard about it, and move on? Oh right look who I’m talking to.

3:29 – 3:40: Now this is where the Irate Bullshit comes in. IG notes he only got to level 3 but “guarantees” the rest of the game is good. Dude, if you’re going to review a game then get through a majority of it or at least finish it! You can’t just play one or two levels and write a review, that’s along the lines of IGN or Gamespot in terms of bullshit!

The review ends with Bores doing a Mr. Burns impression. I should note that the “only played a few levels” problem will show up A LOT in his “Neo” reviews. Because these modern consoles don’t have emulators he can’t use Save States or cheat codes to bypass the hard parts. This is the only NEO review that he admitted to never beating the game but looking at the footage in his future reviews it’s pretty obvious he only played 1 or 2 levels.

That’s the coverage of his crappy DVD and two of his videos. I know it wasn’t as pissy as the other rants but there wasn’t much to be annoyed at. But I’m sure there’s more stupidity on the way. Next time: His review of Tetris. Wait what?

Oops, another thing I forgot to mention. On the back of the Irate Gamer DVD case the description of the show reads "The format of the show which resembles something like the cross between Fox's Family Guy, with HBO's Penn & Teller's BS, is highly entertaining!" Wow, the grammar here is just awful. It's like someone translated this from French. Also, when was Penn & Teller's Bullshit ever on HBO? Last I checked it was always on Showtime, in fact Chris Bores notes that he watches the show regularly and you would think he'd take 10 seconds to see what channel it's on.

By the way, a cross between Family Guy and Penn & Teller's Bullshit? I'm sorry but what do these shows have to do with video games? Family Guy sometimes does throw-away gags with games and Penn & Teller did a VERY recent episode on Video Game Violence but they don't review games. Again Chris Bores shows that he has no idea what he's talking about and seeing that he couldn't spend nanosecond to see what channel Bullshit was on it's another sign of a rushed DVD.

Link(s): A DailyMotion account that uploaded the entire IG DVD as well as all his videos to "Prevent him from gaining YouTube Partner Revenue."
Special Thanks:
One176 for what it reads on the back of the Irate Gamer's DVD and some of the changes.