Hope you’re all getting vaccinated. Make sure to schedule an appointment.
Oh? Bores posted something new, huh. *goes to check* … Are you serious? Kool-Aid again?! You can’t seriously be this creatively bankrupt. Surely, you can get outside your bubble and find a new topic. Are you hoping your fans forget you already covered this? Are you trying to appeal to new fans? It’s a pointless endeavor either way.
The video’s a little over 12 minutes, it won’t be too bad. … I hope.
We open on IG walking in front of his 80’s set. It still has Ren & Stimpy, it still has the Death of Superman, and he added Dragon Ball Z figures. Including Super Saiyan Vegeta, Mr. Satan, and Kid Buu, all of whom were not introduced until the 90’s. Is it that hard to fact check your stupid toys?
Anyway, he’s going to talk about Kool-Aid, and holds up a Kool-Aid Man toy.
Intro plays. Okay here’s something I don’t get. The video opens with the explosive “Irate Gamer” intro, but then he includes another for I Rate the 80’s (featuring royalty free Van Halen). Why have two intros?
He says Kool-Aid began in 1928. Incorrect, it’s 1927. Are you doing this on purpose?
He mentions flavored drinks were becoming commonplace. Okay, what were the other ones? … Not going to tell us?
He mentions the other “Kool-Aid” ventures while showing old photos, and eventually how they developed flavor packs. Listing the first flavors, then how they sold Kool-Aid to General Foods in 1954 (it was actually 1953, I am convinced he’s doing this on purpose).
More listing off flavors, the 60’s had more TVs with more commercials and newspaper ads. Claiming that kids gravitated towards one with a face on a pitcher. What’s your source on this Chris?
He doesn’t mention “Pitcher Man” but shows an old commercial from the 50’s when he didn’t have limbs. He just jumps ahead to the 70’s when he officially became the Kool-Aid Man. Showing some commercials, describing what happens in them, then he uses the phrase “recipe for win”. How do you do, fellow kids?!
He then brings up that he got to have a talk with Tom Anthony, the stuntman that played the Kool-Aid Man in the original 70’s commercials. Oh really.
He plays a bit, but I have my doubts that Chris actually conducted the interview. Mr. Anthony’s quality sounds really bad, like much older than 2020. Also, the context makes it clear that he’s talking about his time as Ronald McDonald's stunt double not Kool-Aid Man. Especially when he mentioned make-up. Can’t imagine there’s much make-up when you’re wearing a mascot costume. It’s possible Chris pulled this interview from somewhere else and dubbed his voice in pretending he was asking the questions. Unless Chris posts the full interview for all to hear, with Tom Anthony saying Chris’ name.
He then shows a photo he claims he got from Tom with him in the costume, without the mouth as they animated it in post. Looking at the photo, it’s possible he got it from somewhere else. Especially with the writing at the bottom saying “Tom Anthony Played the Kool-Aid Man”. I can’t imagine that’s an autograph either. This is all fishy.
He shows some more commercials, more catchphrases, then brings up the existence of the comic books and the video games. With what I believe is Mega Man music playing (please correct me because I’m probably wrong). Then he shows old footage of him as Kool-Aid Man. Wonder how many more of those we’re going to get.
He starts with the Marvel comic, how Kool-Aid Man fights the Thirsties, IG uses the word “cottonmouth” twice. Wouldn’t “dehydration” be a better word? They’re the Thirsties, they make you thirsty. But I guess that’s the hick in him coming out.
He turns the comic over and shows the ad for the video game, noting how if you sent away 125 points, you would get a game on the Atari 2600, or the Intellivision. When he mentions the consoles, he shows old footage from the 2009 review. Making it clear he no longer has either console. In fact, I double checked the last video and when he was talking about King Kong on Atari, he showed a backwards compatible 7800. If it’s like the others, he only has the console and none of the cables.
He claims he grew up playing Atari (bullshit) and thought this promotion was really cool. Uh huh…
“I think this game was pretty much the only one that did something like this” Incorrect. Remember Chase the Chuck Wagon? Send in proofs of purchase of Purina Dog Chow and you got an Atari 2600 game. It’s considered one of the most sought after 2600 games, often fetching exorbitant prices on second-hand markets.
He briefly talks about the games (using recycled footage from the old video), and I do mean briefly because it doesn’t even last 30 seconds. Then why did you put “video games” in the title if you were barely going to talk about them? He even said on Facebook that this video was “part History of Video Games”. Bullcrap! You barely went into them!
He moves onto other prizes you could get, showing his own Kool-Aid watch, Kool-Aid canteen, and a Kool-Aid baby bottle. Then a dumb bit where he wonders what he’ll do with it and then blows air into it. Is this where all his money goes? Buying dumb shit from the 80’s?
He shows off the rest of them, claiming they came out annually. I don’t think that’s entirely true. The first three issues were published by Marvel from 1983 to 85, then Archie Comics published the rest from 1987 to 1990. That doesn’t seem like “annually” to me.
He brings up the villain Scorch, how he had a life outside of the comics with a toy and appearances in a commercial. Said commercial promoting a sweepstakes for more Kool-Aid items. Including another baby bottle which annoys IG. You… you do realize these promotions are for kids, right? That includes babies. Just saying.
Then… lists. He just lists flavors. I don’t give enough of a shit to see if he’s right about the year they came out. He also shows commercials for some them. How the “great” thing about them was the wacky commercials. I feel my brain melting.
IG gushes over how “wacky” the 80’s commercials were. Notes the inspiration from MTV, asks if the creators were on drugs, he’s not really saying anything of substance.
He makes a big deal of how the packaging changed from his face to the Kool-Aid Man taking part in athletic feats.
Then another ad campaign about a Kool-Aid factory. Do any of his fans actually care about this?
Onto the 90’s, and Sharkleberry Fin. I recall him talking about this in the old videos. He must really like this one.
Then a dinosaur one, then a crocodile, then a flamingo… this is so dull. He shows the commercials too.
More flavors… more gimmicks…
Then I guess they stopped doing gimmicks and thus they weren’t as memorable. Dude, it’s a powder you make into a drink. Who gives a shit? Were your parents’ investors in General Foods?
He mentions how sometimes they bring back old flavors, but they’re “not as cool” because they don’t have the original packaging. There’s also discontinued flavors that are hard to find… yep… I don’t care.
As the video closes, he mentions that he got the old 80’s packs with the help of someone named Jimmy Tucker. No credit in the description?
Then he recycles the old Kool-Aid Man footage from 2009, while acting like he’s in the same room and throws the bottle at him. We can tell it’s not the same room! Stop thinking we’re stupid Chris.
Then he pays tribute to Tom Anthony who passed away last year. Specifically, on May 30th, 2020. Soooo either Chris has been sitting on this interview for over a year, or he faked it. Unless Chris posts the whole thing to his channel, I’m going with “fake”. Especially since his little tribute doesn’t even get his birth-year correct. Tom Anthony was born in 1926, Bores claims he was born 1922. How did you make an error that bad?!
That was really damn boring… You know, I get the feeling this was nothing more than excuse to show off his collection of old unopened Kool-Aid packs. For a history lesson, he barely goes into it. He doesn’t mention the creator of Kool-Aid, Edwin Perkins, how he made Kool-Aid in his mother’s kitchen, how it used to be a drink called “Fruit Smack”, he doesn’t mention the creator of the Kool-Aid Man, Marvin Potts, he doesn’t bring up how Kool-Aid Man became CGI in later years or his many voice actors. Even by Chris’ standards, this was lazy as balls.
Before I go, I want to address something. To my critics, the ones regurgitating the same talking points over and over. You say I have “no life” for doing this. How much time do you think I spend on this? Because truthfully, I don’t spend a lot. This is just something I can do to kill an hour (maybe more if it’s a longer video). This really isn’t the time sink you think it is.
And everyone going “You’ve been doing this for X years” … what’s your point? People like what I write, so I’m going to keep doing it.
That’s all for now. Stay safe, get vaccinated, and eventually we will overcome this pandemic.
Wednesday, March 31, 2021
Utterly Bankrupt and Flavorless
Sources:
Kool-Aid and Kool-Aid Man Wikipedia pages.
Saturday, March 20, 2021
Godzilla: Destroy All Cringe
Are you guys doing okay? Hanging in there?
There’s a new video up and it’s a BIG one. But first, I want to talk about the video released last week.
Bores talks about coffee table books about the NES. Basically, a bunch of big books that provide information on the system’s library. I was going to make a post, but I didn’t feel like it.
It’s basically an excuse to talk about a group of books a friend of his wrote, and how he wrote an article in the second volume. These books do not look that impressive.
He brings up Pat Contri’s book but has a couple of odd criticisms. Like how he says it’s “too big” and should be in volumes like his friend’s books (probably thinks he can juice more money out of it) and he claims Pat missed a few games. What games? He doesn’t say!
Chris also says that the “Ultimate History of Video Games” was sooo helpful with his own history series, claiming he read the book 50 times. Yet somehow you still got so much wrong.
At one point, he says that if he had these books as a kid, he would have been a “pig in heaven”. … What the hell does that mean?
The dumbest statement by far is his claim that when he was starting out with Irate Gamer, a lot of this info was very hard to find. That is absolute bullshit. What about MobyGames? GameFAQs? VGMuseum? They all existed in 2007. And I know Chris knows about VGMuseum, the screenshots of the alternate Aladdin ending he showed were from that site. He didn’t capture them himself.
The comments provide some … interesting insight. In one, Chris claims to prefer the “visual aspect”. Then you don’t want a book Chris, you want a magazine.
A lot of the comments were shitting on Pat Contri. Seems unneeded. But also some comments were claiming Chris is now the “new AVGN”. Excuse me what? I know AVGN has gone down in quality (partly COVID partly Screenwave) but do not start suddenly claiming that this idiot is a “better replacement”.
Then it hit me. I know what the majority of Chris’ fans are. They are not gaming enthusiasts interested in retro titles (otherwise they would know Chris is full of it), they’re not people looking for comedy (because Chris isn’t funny), most of his fans are drama whores. People that seek out drama and go into YouTube comments to shit on others. The people that subscribe to Keemstar and go out and attack anyone he bitches about. These are people far more interested in stirring up shit than actual content. Chris likely knows this and allows it because it gives the veil of people actually watching him.
Anyway, the new video.
Chris has really hyped this one up, claiming it’s just like his 2008 videos. So, it will be utter nonsense and full of poor information?
The subject this time? Godzilla vs Kong, in celebration of the upcoming movie. So basically, Godzilla and King Kong games. Mostly Godzilla because there’s not a lot of King Kong games (and no Donkey Kong doesn’t count).
It’s a whopping 22 minutes and 38 seconds, might want to get something strong to drink.
The video opens with IG… playing with his toys. Hoo boy…
He goes on how it’s a momentous occasion, how monster fans have wanted this and it’s finally happening. Except it did happen already, in 1962 with King Kong vs Godzilla. Produced by Toho and is the third official Godzilla film. What fans were waiting for was a modern interpretation.
He’s going to pit the games against each other, holding up copies of Godzilla: Monster of Monsters on NES and King Kong 2: Ikari no Megaton Punch on Famicom. Yes, an actual Famicom cartridge. There’s a good chance it’s a bootleg.
Theme song.
We return to copyrighted footage! Paging Toho. IG then starts talking about how he watched Godzilla movies a lot when he was a kid, how they ran on TBS after the Saturday morning cartoons, he didn’t care they were low budget or in black & white or poorly dubbed. He lists off various notable kaiju Goji fought, even mentioning the original King Kong vs Godzilla. Okay, so he does know about it. Weird to say “finally” in in that opening.
He specifically points out Mecha Godzilla as “really silly”. If what I hear about GvK is true, then I don’t think Chris will like it.
With so many movies, it would only be “a matter of time” until the king found his way on the NES. Which he demonstrates with a Godzilla toy looking at his console. Why does Chris feel so immature at times?
He points out how Godzilla got two NES games in North America while King Kong got zero and takes out a chalkboard to show how this is a “competition” by putting a tally under Godzilla. What’s the point? Godzilla wins by virtue of having way more games. Sure only a few are decent, but at least they exist.
“If we judge a book by it’s cover by looking at the cover art here” You could have said that a lot differently. Anyway, he thinks Monster of Monsters is going to be great because of the cover art. Whatever…
He puts the cartridge inside and holy shit there’s a jump cut! Did Chris poorly splice two different takes of this? How do you mess up something this basic?! It's not even plugged in!
He starts up and gets upset that it looks like a board game (constantly bringing up Checkers). Angry that they wrapped a “turd” in a shiny package (the cartridge) and flashy intro. Boy, he’s really obsessed with intros isn’t he? Honestly, this game isn’t even that bad. There are better Goji games for sure, but it could be worse.
He goes over the story and gets mad that Godzilla is out in space because he wants to be in the city. You said earlier you watched the movies right? Planet X is from the sixth movie Invasion of Astro-Monster. Godzilla fights in space. There’s nothing wrong with that idea.
A dumb “Uranus” joke… yep
He points out either an enemy or background element and claims it rips off Mother Brain from Metroid. That’s actually Matango, from the movie of the same name. Another Toho created kaiju that was later brought into the Godzilla universe.
He’s surprised that Mothra is the sidekick. Why?
He starts going on about how the controls on the board part are “really bad” because he thought you could only move up and down, but then learned you can move right but pushing diagonally. Because apparently Chris has never considered that D-Pads can go diagonal.
He goes on and on about the board and how confusing it is and how at one point he accidentally forfeits a turn (with Price is Right fail horn, seriously did Chris pick this up from 2006?). We’re over five minutes in and he hasn’t gotten to the actual game part.
He finally starts playing with Mothra, and notes how she plays like “crystalized diarrhea” because every time you get hit, you get sent back. During this, we got a shot of him mashing his controller. Holy shit, you still can’t get this right?!
“This moth is as big as a plane!” Is that a line from the movies? Or did he try to quote The Giant Claw but got the line wrong. Also more unhinging his jaw.
He goes into how Mothra sucks, saying she’s not just shit, she’s “triple shit between two Double Stuf Oreos also filled with shit”. Aaah I think I see what he means by 2008 feel, bringing back the food analogies! I did not miss these.
He gets Mothra into a fight with Gezora resulting in a long sequence where he can’t move and Gezora stomps on him. Is he not losing health? Is he using Game Genie? Eventually the timer runs out and Mothra doesn’t die. He adds a holy light and choir because…. Pffff
Then he starts playing as Godzilla, and he’s all “Now dat’s what I’m talking about!” Going over how he’s so much better and takes out the bosses really easily. He wonders why he’s so good but Mothra is so shit. Then he says, “Didn’t anyone even playtest this game before releasing it?” It’s official, Chris has become a parody of himself. I miss Irate Gamer parodies…
He also make a comment about the Nintendo Seal of Quality. He does realize that just means “You paid us the fee, you can release the game” right? Though it just leads to a bad joke about “sealing” someone’s ass shut.
He dies at some point so he could shit on Mothra some more
He then claims there’s seven levels. Actually, there’s eight levels. Planet X is the last one.
Then there’s a weird bit where he brings up YouTube playthroughs and notes how one of them is four hours long. With his patented green circle of obvious on the video time. Going into a rant about how the developers wanted him to play for four hours. Did you somehow miss the other playthrough that’s only three hours? I think kids would have loved a longer NES game at the time. So many of them are actually really short once you get good. A no-death Castlevania run will net you about 20 minutes.
This just seems like a weird complaint.
He basically skips over the rest of the game, which I figure is just footage taken from YouTube. Mostly due to Godzilla using his atomic breath in one clip when IG didn’t use it at all.
Then he shows of a debug level when you type in the password GH1D0RA. Kay…
After he’s done, we get long bit where he rants about the old Nintendo Power article promoting the game. Okay why?
He scoffs at the multiple planets, still mad that it’s Godzilla in space. Then he looks at the review score and saw they gave it a 4/5. He gets mad and says this game deserves “Two turds in a barrel”, which he shows with the iPhone poo emoji and the Donkey Kong barrel, followed by a pointless use of “Toasty!” What the fuck was that Chris? What was the point of that? What’s the point of any of this?
He throws Monster of Monsters away and moves on to Godzilla 2: War of the Monsters. He once again praises the cover art and thinks it will be good because of it (stop). Also, a pointless Godzilla roar.
He likes the intro and the title screen, but then gets to the game and gets mad because it’s a “piece of shit strategy game”. He claims he always hated these and lists off all the NES strategy games he read off Wikipedia (Rampart, North & South which he mistakenly calls North VS South, and Romance of the Three Kingdoms) and calls them a “shit-tacular way to pass the fucking time”. Woooow, way to insult a beloved genre. Though, unlike Scott the Woz and his hate-boner for RPGs, nobody will care.
Then a comment about how each turn takes 10 minutes. Only if you suck.
This is followed by an anecdote with Zelda music playing. Apparently, his grandmother had an NES but only had two games, Super Mario Bros and Rampart. He hated it and said it was so bad it made him lose his mind. I don’t know this game personally, but is it that bad? I have my doubts. It sounds like Bores was too young or too stupid to get it. Wait, didn’t your grandmother have Punch-Out? You mentioned that back in your review in 2015. Either it was his other grandmother, or he’s lying. Leaning heavily on the latter.
Anyway, he plays and angrily explains how it works. When Godzilla one shots one of his units, it cuts to him going “This is supposed to be fun?” and when he says “fun” his jaw curves really hard. Is that supposed to be part of the joke? Look, I know that Godzilla 2 isn’t a good game, even for strategy fans. But maybe you shouldn’t have this giant bias towards it?
Then a random bit where he says this game is about as fun as “date night with John McClane on the 20 millionth floor”, followed by footage from Die Hard. … What? What building would have 20 million floors? Why even bring up Die Hard? Then he brags about it like “Yeah, how do you like that Die Hard reference?” Are you purposely insulting your audience now?
He then brings up how Godzilla 2 is costly on eBay, wondering how that happened. It’s probably a rare game, it did come out in 1992, NES games after 1991 tend to be rarer. Then he brings back the chalkboard to give Godzilla another point for having a “rare game”. What is your scoring system?
He moves on from Goji to Kong as he takes he starts with Atari, and more showing off his stupid toys. Nobody cares about your action figures Chris!
He notes how King Kong got an Atari game, but Godzilla didn’t and figured he wasn’t popular enough. No, he was. Instead of Atari, they focused more on computer games on MSX and Commodore 64. Plenty of Big G games made before the NES one.
He also notes the game has a blue cartridge, which gives a point to King Kong on the chalkboard. You didn’t put a lot of thought into this huh?
He starts playing and notices this is a complete clone of Donkey Kong. He seems to prefer it to the Atari port of DK until one of the bombs (which he calls a cupcake) goes up a ladder and kills him. Then he tosses it aside. Yeah, not much to say here, it’s just a weak Donkey Kong clone.
He notes how there was no King Kong on the NES in America, but there was a King Kong 2 in Japan. Which he’s so very clearly playing on an emulator since he’s looking at a fan translation. Come on, the game barely has any text, you can play this easily.
He says it’s actually pretty good. Then notes the title which he says translates out to “Ikari no Megaton Punch”. Wouldn’t a translation be “The Furious Megaton Punch”? All you did romanize the Japanese text. There’s a difference.
Lots of gushing about the game, says it’s really good blah blah blah. Gives a point to Kong on his chalkboard. He doesn’t know why it wasn’t ported (you mean localized?) Konami probably couldn’t get the rights in America, only in Japan.
More gushing… eventually he reaches the boss (a giant spider) and dies, making multiple comments about the spider eating Kong’s eyes. Was he trying to be funny?
Also, no mention that this was based on the 1986 movie King Kong Lives? It’s a rare tie-in licensed game that doesn’t suck.
On post-NES consoles, King Kong didn’t reappear until the 2005 on “Xbox”, as he shows the Xbox 360 version. It also showed up on the original Xbox, and the PS2, the Gamecube, PC, Game Boy Advance, PSP, DS, it was on a lot of things. Also, no note that it’s based on the Peter Jackson movie? It’s right there in the title.
As for Godzilla, plenty of games there. Like one on Game Boy where he’s all small and it’s kind of a 2D puzzle game. He doesn’t really say much about it. Then he looks at Godzilla: Kaijuu no Daishingeki for Sega Game Gear, and he’s mad because it’s another turn-based strategy game. He really seems to focus on the waiting aspect. Kind of weird he’s focusing on a Japan-only game though.
Same with the Playstation 1 Godzilla Trading Battle (another Japan only release), which upsets him because it’s a card game. So? Card games can fun. I don’t know if this one is because all you do is get upset that it’s “not the Godzilla game you want”. Wait… this seems familiar.
Also, you’re skipping a lot Godzilla games. What about that fighter on Super Famicom? It’s clear that you don’t care about these being Japan only for whatever reason.
He just wants something like Rampage but with Godzilla. That would be boring though, and you have Rampage. At least fighting games make sense.
More chalkboard nonsense.
Then he moves on to Super Godzilla on SNES. Says it’s weird and confusing, then pulls out a Nintendo Power magazine to show it agrees with him. Okay, people aren’t fond of this game, that’s not a new opinion. It’s slow and confusing.
Though he said Super Godzilla was the only SNES game, he actually does bring up Godzilla Kaijuu Daikessen which he says was going to be called “Monster War”. Actually, it was going to be called Destroy All Monsters. Monster War is just a localization of Kaijuu Daikessen.
Anyway, he says the game is great, but he mentions he always wanted a platformer. Wait, that’s what you wanted? I don’t think that would really work for Godzilla.
Then he gives the point back to Godzilla and they’re all tied. He goes back to the intro area (I don’t know the name of it) to have the sprites of the two monsters fight it out. It’s lame and he acknowledges it as such, hoping for something flashy. Oh no… it’s going to get worse isn’t it?
And it does! We get a stupid ending bit with… Mecha Irate Gamer. Oh dear lord… When he roars, his jaw does the same jutting thing Bores does so… points for that? But then when there’s a side view, it is REAL terrible. Like, how did you look at that animation and think “Perfect”.
At one point, one of his fireballs (ugggh) hits one of his cabinets and… does nothing. But I guess it made IG mad as he yells “My video game collection!” That’s not a collection! That’s just a bunch of replicas that you wasted money on.
He wonders where John McClane is (no Chris, that’s not a brick joke) when suddenly Bomberman shows up. What? He pulls out a bomb with a Zelda sound effect because Bores hates you, and he takes it. It looks like officially licensed merch, maybe he plans to use it for Puppet Steve? Or already used it?
Then he refers to Mecha IG as “You handsome Mecha Irate Gamer”. Gotta show his ego!
Then he throws it and blows him up easily. LAAAAAAME!
He asks how the Godzilla and Kong sprites are, and then claims he “proved the justice of our culture” Wait what? Then we get the ending screen to the NES Ghostbusters game. WHAT?! WHAT IS THE POINT OF THIS?! WHY?! Holy shit that was so dumb!
We then get a special thanks to Eli Bruner who made the Mecha IG sprite. Look Eli, I’m sure you’re a good guy, but did you really look at the side-sprites and think that was completely okay? Don’t lower yourself to the standards of Bores.
Again, that was so fucking dumb. Terrible humor even by Bores’ standards, a cringy ending bit (huh, I guess that’s another reason it’s “like 2008”), poor reviews of the Godzilla games, really inconsistent in what he covered too. Why not bring up the sixth gen ones? Oh right, he doesn’t have those systems, and he probably can’t emulate PS2, Gamecube, or Xbox.
Maaaan, this hurt my brain so much. It’s incredible that he can reach all kinds of new levels of cringe. It’s almost like he’s doing this on purpose.
The light at the end of the tunnel draws near. Vaccinations are rolling out at a fast clip. Hopefully, we can all return to some normalcy.
There’s a new video up and it’s a BIG one. But first, I want to talk about the video released last week.
Bores talks about coffee table books about the NES. Basically, a bunch of big books that provide information on the system’s library. I was going to make a post, but I didn’t feel like it.
It’s basically an excuse to talk about a group of books a friend of his wrote, and how he wrote an article in the second volume. These books do not look that impressive.
He brings up Pat Contri’s book but has a couple of odd criticisms. Like how he says it’s “too big” and should be in volumes like his friend’s books (probably thinks he can juice more money out of it) and he claims Pat missed a few games. What games? He doesn’t say!
Chris also says that the “Ultimate History of Video Games” was sooo helpful with his own history series, claiming he read the book 50 times. Yet somehow you still got so much wrong.
At one point, he says that if he had these books as a kid, he would have been a “pig in heaven”. … What the hell does that mean?
The dumbest statement by far is his claim that when he was starting out with Irate Gamer, a lot of this info was very hard to find. That is absolute bullshit. What about MobyGames? GameFAQs? VGMuseum? They all existed in 2007. And I know Chris knows about VGMuseum, the screenshots of the alternate Aladdin ending he showed were from that site. He didn’t capture them himself.
The comments provide some … interesting insight. In one, Chris claims to prefer the “visual aspect”. Then you don’t want a book Chris, you want a magazine.
A lot of the comments were shitting on Pat Contri. Seems unneeded. But also some comments were claiming Chris is now the “new AVGN”. Excuse me what? I know AVGN has gone down in quality (partly COVID partly Screenwave) but do not start suddenly claiming that this idiot is a “better replacement”.
Then it hit me. I know what the majority of Chris’ fans are. They are not gaming enthusiasts interested in retro titles (otherwise they would know Chris is full of it), they’re not people looking for comedy (because Chris isn’t funny), most of his fans are drama whores. People that seek out drama and go into YouTube comments to shit on others. The people that subscribe to Keemstar and go out and attack anyone he bitches about. These are people far more interested in stirring up shit than actual content. Chris likely knows this and allows it because it gives the veil of people actually watching him.
Anyway, the new video.
Chris has really hyped this one up, claiming it’s just like his 2008 videos. So, it will be utter nonsense and full of poor information?
The subject this time? Godzilla vs Kong, in celebration of the upcoming movie. So basically, Godzilla and King Kong games. Mostly Godzilla because there’s not a lot of King Kong games (and no Donkey Kong doesn’t count).
It’s a whopping 22 minutes and 38 seconds, might want to get something strong to drink.
The video opens with IG… playing with his toys. Hoo boy…
He goes on how it’s a momentous occasion, how monster fans have wanted this and it’s finally happening. Except it did happen already, in 1962 with King Kong vs Godzilla. Produced by Toho and is the third official Godzilla film. What fans were waiting for was a modern interpretation.
He’s going to pit the games against each other, holding up copies of Godzilla: Monster of Monsters on NES and King Kong 2: Ikari no Megaton Punch on Famicom. Yes, an actual Famicom cartridge. There’s a good chance it’s a bootleg.
Theme song.
We return to copyrighted footage! Paging Toho. IG then starts talking about how he watched Godzilla movies a lot when he was a kid, how they ran on TBS after the Saturday morning cartoons, he didn’t care they were low budget or in black & white or poorly dubbed. He lists off various notable kaiju Goji fought, even mentioning the original King Kong vs Godzilla. Okay, so he does know about it. Weird to say “finally” in in that opening.
He specifically points out Mecha Godzilla as “really silly”. If what I hear about GvK is true, then I don’t think Chris will like it.
With so many movies, it would only be “a matter of time” until the king found his way on the NES. Which he demonstrates with a Godzilla toy looking at his console. Why does Chris feel so immature at times?
He points out how Godzilla got two NES games in North America while King Kong got zero and takes out a chalkboard to show how this is a “competition” by putting a tally under Godzilla. What’s the point? Godzilla wins by virtue of having way more games. Sure only a few are decent, but at least they exist.
“If we judge a book by it’s cover by looking at the cover art here” You could have said that a lot differently. Anyway, he thinks Monster of Monsters is going to be great because of the cover art. Whatever…
He puts the cartridge inside and holy shit there’s a jump cut! Did Chris poorly splice two different takes of this? How do you mess up something this basic?! It's not even plugged in!
He starts up and gets upset that it looks like a board game (constantly bringing up Checkers). Angry that they wrapped a “turd” in a shiny package (the cartridge) and flashy intro. Boy, he’s really obsessed with intros isn’t he? Honestly, this game isn’t even that bad. There are better Goji games for sure, but it could be worse.
He goes over the story and gets mad that Godzilla is out in space because he wants to be in the city. You said earlier you watched the movies right? Planet X is from the sixth movie Invasion of Astro-Monster. Godzilla fights in space. There’s nothing wrong with that idea.
A dumb “Uranus” joke… yep
He points out either an enemy or background element and claims it rips off Mother Brain from Metroid. That’s actually Matango, from the movie of the same name. Another Toho created kaiju that was later brought into the Godzilla universe.
He’s surprised that Mothra is the sidekick. Why?
He starts going on about how the controls on the board part are “really bad” because he thought you could only move up and down, but then learned you can move right but pushing diagonally. Because apparently Chris has never considered that D-Pads can go diagonal.
He goes on and on about the board and how confusing it is and how at one point he accidentally forfeits a turn (with Price is Right fail horn, seriously did Chris pick this up from 2006?). We’re over five minutes in and he hasn’t gotten to the actual game part.
He finally starts playing with Mothra, and notes how she plays like “crystalized diarrhea” because every time you get hit, you get sent back. During this, we got a shot of him mashing his controller. Holy shit, you still can’t get this right?!
“This moth is as big as a plane!” Is that a line from the movies? Or did he try to quote The Giant Claw but got the line wrong. Also more unhinging his jaw.
He goes into how Mothra sucks, saying she’s not just shit, she’s “triple shit between two Double Stuf Oreos also filled with shit”. Aaah I think I see what he means by 2008 feel, bringing back the food analogies! I did not miss these.
He gets Mothra into a fight with Gezora resulting in a long sequence where he can’t move and Gezora stomps on him. Is he not losing health? Is he using Game Genie? Eventually the timer runs out and Mothra doesn’t die. He adds a holy light and choir because…. Pffff
Then he starts playing as Godzilla, and he’s all “Now dat’s what I’m talking about!” Going over how he’s so much better and takes out the bosses really easily. He wonders why he’s so good but Mothra is so shit. Then he says, “Didn’t anyone even playtest this game before releasing it?” It’s official, Chris has become a parody of himself. I miss Irate Gamer parodies…
He also make a comment about the Nintendo Seal of Quality. He does realize that just means “You paid us the fee, you can release the game” right? Though it just leads to a bad joke about “sealing” someone’s ass shut.
He dies at some point so he could shit on Mothra some more
He then claims there’s seven levels. Actually, there’s eight levels. Planet X is the last one.
Then there’s a weird bit where he brings up YouTube playthroughs and notes how one of them is four hours long. With his patented green circle of obvious on the video time. Going into a rant about how the developers wanted him to play for four hours. Did you somehow miss the other playthrough that’s only three hours? I think kids would have loved a longer NES game at the time. So many of them are actually really short once you get good. A no-death Castlevania run will net you about 20 minutes.
This just seems like a weird complaint.
He basically skips over the rest of the game, which I figure is just footage taken from YouTube. Mostly due to Godzilla using his atomic breath in one clip when IG didn’t use it at all.
Then he shows of a debug level when you type in the password GH1D0RA. Kay…
After he’s done, we get long bit where he rants about the old Nintendo Power article promoting the game. Okay why?
He scoffs at the multiple planets, still mad that it’s Godzilla in space. Then he looks at the review score and saw they gave it a 4/5. He gets mad and says this game deserves “Two turds in a barrel”, which he shows with the iPhone poo emoji and the Donkey Kong barrel, followed by a pointless use of “Toasty!” What the fuck was that Chris? What was the point of that? What’s the point of any of this?
He throws Monster of Monsters away and moves on to Godzilla 2: War of the Monsters. He once again praises the cover art and thinks it will be good because of it (stop). Also, a pointless Godzilla roar.
He likes the intro and the title screen, but then gets to the game and gets mad because it’s a “piece of shit strategy game”. He claims he always hated these and lists off all the NES strategy games he read off Wikipedia (Rampart, North & South which he mistakenly calls North VS South, and Romance of the Three Kingdoms) and calls them a “shit-tacular way to pass the fucking time”. Woooow, way to insult a beloved genre. Though, unlike Scott the Woz and his hate-boner for RPGs, nobody will care.
Then a comment about how each turn takes 10 minutes. Only if you suck.
This is followed by an anecdote with Zelda music playing. Apparently, his grandmother had an NES but only had two games, Super Mario Bros and Rampart. He hated it and said it was so bad it made him lose his mind. I don’t know this game personally, but is it that bad? I have my doubts. It sounds like Bores was too young or too stupid to get it. Wait, didn’t your grandmother have Punch-Out? You mentioned that back in your review in 2015. Either it was his other grandmother, or he’s lying. Leaning heavily on the latter.
Anyway, he plays and angrily explains how it works. When Godzilla one shots one of his units, it cuts to him going “This is supposed to be fun?” and when he says “fun” his jaw curves really hard. Is that supposed to be part of the joke? Look, I know that Godzilla 2 isn’t a good game, even for strategy fans. But maybe you shouldn’t have this giant bias towards it?
Then a random bit where he says this game is about as fun as “date night with John McClane on the 20 millionth floor”, followed by footage from Die Hard. … What? What building would have 20 million floors? Why even bring up Die Hard? Then he brags about it like “Yeah, how do you like that Die Hard reference?” Are you purposely insulting your audience now?
He then brings up how Godzilla 2 is costly on eBay, wondering how that happened. It’s probably a rare game, it did come out in 1992, NES games after 1991 tend to be rarer. Then he brings back the chalkboard to give Godzilla another point for having a “rare game”. What is your scoring system?
He moves on from Goji to Kong as he takes he starts with Atari, and more showing off his stupid toys. Nobody cares about your action figures Chris!
He notes how King Kong got an Atari game, but Godzilla didn’t and figured he wasn’t popular enough. No, he was. Instead of Atari, they focused more on computer games on MSX and Commodore 64. Plenty of Big G games made before the NES one.
He also notes the game has a blue cartridge, which gives a point to King Kong on the chalkboard. You didn’t put a lot of thought into this huh?
He starts playing and notices this is a complete clone of Donkey Kong. He seems to prefer it to the Atari port of DK until one of the bombs (which he calls a cupcake) goes up a ladder and kills him. Then he tosses it aside. Yeah, not much to say here, it’s just a weak Donkey Kong clone.
He notes how there was no King Kong on the NES in America, but there was a King Kong 2 in Japan. Which he’s so very clearly playing on an emulator since he’s looking at a fan translation. Come on, the game barely has any text, you can play this easily.
He says it’s actually pretty good. Then notes the title which he says translates out to “Ikari no Megaton Punch”. Wouldn’t a translation be “The Furious Megaton Punch”? All you did romanize the Japanese text. There’s a difference.
Lots of gushing about the game, says it’s really good blah blah blah. Gives a point to Kong on his chalkboard. He doesn’t know why it wasn’t ported (you mean localized?) Konami probably couldn’t get the rights in America, only in Japan.
More gushing… eventually he reaches the boss (a giant spider) and dies, making multiple comments about the spider eating Kong’s eyes. Was he trying to be funny?
Also, no mention that this was based on the 1986 movie King Kong Lives? It’s a rare tie-in licensed game that doesn’t suck.
On post-NES consoles, King Kong didn’t reappear until the 2005 on “Xbox”, as he shows the Xbox 360 version. It also showed up on the original Xbox, and the PS2, the Gamecube, PC, Game Boy Advance, PSP, DS, it was on a lot of things. Also, no note that it’s based on the Peter Jackson movie? It’s right there in the title.
As for Godzilla, plenty of games there. Like one on Game Boy where he’s all small and it’s kind of a 2D puzzle game. He doesn’t really say much about it. Then he looks at Godzilla: Kaijuu no Daishingeki for Sega Game Gear, and he’s mad because it’s another turn-based strategy game. He really seems to focus on the waiting aspect. Kind of weird he’s focusing on a Japan-only game though.
Same with the Playstation 1 Godzilla Trading Battle (another Japan only release), which upsets him because it’s a card game. So? Card games can fun. I don’t know if this one is because all you do is get upset that it’s “not the Godzilla game you want”. Wait… this seems familiar.
Also, you’re skipping a lot Godzilla games. What about that fighter on Super Famicom? It’s clear that you don’t care about these being Japan only for whatever reason.
He just wants something like Rampage but with Godzilla. That would be boring though, and you have Rampage. At least fighting games make sense.
More chalkboard nonsense.
Then he moves on to Super Godzilla on SNES. Says it’s weird and confusing, then pulls out a Nintendo Power magazine to show it agrees with him. Okay, people aren’t fond of this game, that’s not a new opinion. It’s slow and confusing.
Though he said Super Godzilla was the only SNES game, he actually does bring up Godzilla Kaijuu Daikessen which he says was going to be called “Monster War”. Actually, it was going to be called Destroy All Monsters. Monster War is just a localization of Kaijuu Daikessen.
Anyway, he says the game is great, but he mentions he always wanted a platformer. Wait, that’s what you wanted? I don’t think that would really work for Godzilla.
Then he gives the point back to Godzilla and they’re all tied. He goes back to the intro area (I don’t know the name of it) to have the sprites of the two monsters fight it out. It’s lame and he acknowledges it as such, hoping for something flashy. Oh no… it’s going to get worse isn’t it?
And it does! We get a stupid ending bit with… Mecha Irate Gamer. Oh dear lord… When he roars, his jaw does the same jutting thing Bores does so… points for that? But then when there’s a side view, it is REAL terrible. Like, how did you look at that animation and think “Perfect”.
At one point, one of his fireballs (ugggh) hits one of his cabinets and… does nothing. But I guess it made IG mad as he yells “My video game collection!” That’s not a collection! That’s just a bunch of replicas that you wasted money on.
He wonders where John McClane is (no Chris, that’s not a brick joke) when suddenly Bomberman shows up. What? He pulls out a bomb with a Zelda sound effect because Bores hates you, and he takes it. It looks like officially licensed merch, maybe he plans to use it for Puppet Steve? Or already used it?
Then he refers to Mecha IG as “You handsome Mecha Irate Gamer”. Gotta show his ego!
Then he throws it and blows him up easily. LAAAAAAME!
He asks how the Godzilla and Kong sprites are, and then claims he “proved the justice of our culture” Wait what? Then we get the ending screen to the NES Ghostbusters game. WHAT?! WHAT IS THE POINT OF THIS?! WHY?! Holy shit that was so dumb!
We then get a special thanks to Eli Bruner who made the Mecha IG sprite. Look Eli, I’m sure you’re a good guy, but did you really look at the side-sprites and think that was completely okay? Don’t lower yourself to the standards of Bores.
Again, that was so fucking dumb. Terrible humor even by Bores’ standards, a cringy ending bit (huh, I guess that’s another reason it’s “like 2008”), poor reviews of the Godzilla games, really inconsistent in what he covered too. Why not bring up the sixth gen ones? Oh right, he doesn’t have those systems, and he probably can’t emulate PS2, Gamecube, or Xbox.
Maaaan, this hurt my brain so much. It’s incredible that he can reach all kinds of new levels of cringe. It’s almost like he’s doing this on purpose.
The light at the end of the tunnel draws near. Vaccinations are rolling out at a fast clip. Hopefully, we can all return to some normalcy.
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