Thursday, July 16, 2009

Ghosts N Goblins AKA how to show the world you're a lying hack.

Wait, Ghosts N Goblins is a good game. Sure it’s difficulty is sadistic and unforgiving but its fun and the controls are great. Why review this game?

Because Chris Bores is a pussy. But let’s see WHY he’s a pussy.

Intro Line: “When you think of one of the most hardest games on the NES” HAHAHAHAHA Oh wow 2 seconds in and he already fails, that takes talent.

0:30 – 0:42: After explaining the story, he asks Lucifer to take The Wicker Man remake with Nicholas Cage to hell with the princess. I think this was supposed to be a throw-away joke similar to Family Guy only it’s far less funny and makes far less sense.

1:18 – 1:45: He begins a diatribe on the armor being useless and that it shouldn’t break after one hit. So you don’t want the game to be difficult? Sorry you’re in the wrong gaming era.

1:48: That’s weird, the map screen looks different. Must be my imagination, he couldn’t do something THAT stupid.

1:54 – 2:05: I don’t get this part; Chris Bores dresses up like the devil and starts laughing at Arthur from the game. I guess this is supposed to be a joke? I don’t know if it is because I’m not laughing.

2:06: DEAR FUCKING GOD! He’s using the Arcade Version of Ghosts N Goblins now! GAAAAAAAAAH! *5 hours and one tranquilizer dart later* IG explains this in the video description, he used the Arcade Version to because the NES Game Genie didn’t have an invincibility cheat, and it was vital he review the entire game. Where do I start with this? Why do you need to beat the entire game? Why review one version if you need another to beat it? Why even review this in the first place? Screw it, let’s just keep going.

2:15 – 2:28: He bitches that there’s nothing in the game that can help you from dying (implying there’s no health power-ups which is bullshit by the way) and references the mushrooms in Mario and the hearts in Castlevania… WAIT WHAT? *Incoherent Rage* HEARTS DON’T FILL YOUR HEALTH IN CASTLEVANIA YOU TWAT!

2:43 – 3:07: IG comments on the points saying “I’ve got to avoid *lists every enemy in the game* and they want me to worry about points?” You’re reviewing an NES game (ignoring the fact he’s using the Arcade Version), the points don’t matter in a Nintendo game since no one is going to see it or try and beat it. I can feel my brain oozing out of my ears.

3:15 – 3:53: He wonders how the game’s brutal difficulty can appeal to children (this game was made in the 80s, kids didn’t know better you fuck) so he invites his Little Cousin Joey to play the game and… Oh God skewer my eyes now. Chris Bores used green screen effects to make him a kid and sped up his voice. It’s not even convincing as the legs look exactly like an adults and seeing as “Cousin Joey” is just Chris Bores he purposely plays bad. I think I’m getting lung cancer.

4:01: “One annoying thing is these annoying eyeball platforms.” I think this line speaks for itself.

More footage of him playing like a blind man without thumbs.

5:07 – 5:15: After learning he has to beat the game a second time to get the true ending, the devil comes out again. Second time is still not funny.

6:00 – 6:05: Random Star Wars reference for no reason other then a lame effect.

6:10 – 6:34: Again, he bitches about the Engrish text and alters the grammar to what it should be. Damn it Bores it’s an 80s game made in Japan of course the Translation is going to suck, and you shouldn’t talk about bad grammar Mr. “Most Hardest Game”

6:35 – 6:42: Bores in a devil outfit appears one last time to mock him, and overall isn’t funny. To quote the Nostalgia Critic (a far funnier and better reviewer) “Not Funny plus Not Funny equals NOT FUCKING FUNNY!”

The review ends with ANOTHER “game destruction” scene. You don’t have to do that in every review. So what have we learned about Ghosts N Goblins? WAAAH IT’S TOO HARD I WANT MY SESAME STREET WAAAAAH!

So yeah, this video was proof Chris Bores was not a gamer and would further cement his reputation as a hack. Next time I look at his review of Jaws on the NES.

9 comments:

  1. There was also the Star Wars reference when he was listing enemies.

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  2. I saw something in the video:

    When we see Little Cousin Joey playing GnG, the cord to the console just disappears and the controller is smaller than usual.

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  3. *goes to recheck*
    Holy shit, half the cord is missing. He sacrificed to use that pointless green screen effect.

    God damn it.

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  4. Id just like to point out that a Joey is a derogatory term for a retard in the UK so its quite fitting

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  5. BTW, have you seen Happy Console Gamer's review of the Ghosts 'n Goblins/Ghouls 'n Ghosts franchise? It's way better and more informative than Irate "Can't-Beat-Any-Game-Without-My-Precious-Game-Genie" Gamer's review of GnG. Bores didn't even talk about the other games in the series!

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  6. Oh, and I found a Castlevania game where hearts... actually refuel your health: (:-O)
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YhAf5D06zt0 (1:08-1:11 in the video)

    That still doesn't support the Bores' case all that much-- I know that in most Castlevania games, hearts refuel your ammo, not your health. Even AVGN knows that hearts in most Castlevania games don't refuel your health.

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  7. What a dumbass. There is a stage select code! Worse still, I don't recall ever getting a shield as a weapon in the NES version.

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    1. There is? *looks it up* Holy shit there is! I didn't bother to check as I don't look up cheat codes unless Bores obviously uses one.
      I don't think he cared to look it up either as he just switched to the Arcade version and turned on God Mode.
      What's funny is that in the episode prior to this (Mission Impossible), he stops the review to go look up passwords online. So why didn't he try that here?

      By the way, there is a shield in the NES version. Though some call it a Cross, but it looks like a shield.

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  8. His correction to the game's ending text isn't even proper English itself: "This story is a happy ending"

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