Thursday, July 16, 2009

The Goonies II AKA how to bitch about a title for 2 and a half minutes.

For the Irate Hack’s third video, he decided to cover The Goonies II on the NES. From what I’ve heard Goonies II isn’t a bad game, it actually has a cult following. So why is IG doing it? Let me ask another question, why are all his videos rip offs of better material?

Let’s begin:

0:05 – 0:20: He comments he fondly remembers playing this, but a few seconds later “As much as I loved the movie, I had the exact opposite reaction to the game.” Last I checked “fondly” has positive connotations so he just contradicted himself within a few seconds. What a great start to this shit huh guys?

0:24 – 0:56: He begins ranting on the title of the game wondering if it’s a sequel to the movie, or a sequel to an already existing game. This affects the quality of the game how?

1:01 – 1:12: He then asks “Who in their right mind would play Castlevania III before Castlevania I?” and takes the cartridges of the game out as if he’s saying “Look I have the games! I’m cool right guys?” Then makes a “joke” that it’s punishable by death in a few countries to play the sequel before the original, I’m not kidding. How many people watched The Dark Knight before Batman Begins? Is that “wrong” of them to do that? My head hurts from his logic.

1:13: “I’ve been to a lot of video game stores and I never saw Goonies I on a retail shelf.” He says this while showing a rack of Playstation 2 games, a stock photo probably found on Google Images.

1:20 – 2:19: He thinks that they just screwed up the numbering and explains it’s similar to the Donkey Kong games where there’s no Donkey Kong 2 but instead Donkey Kong Jr. and doing stuff like this is confusing. I know I’ve said in the past I wasn’t going to make comparisons to the Angry Video Game Nerd but this is just too obvious. This diatribe is directly lifting James Rolfe’s “Chronologically Confused” video idea and using it on a subject that isn’t confusing at all (besides, most gamers either know or don’t care). Might I remind he rants on this for almost a WHOLE MINUTE.

2:27 – 2:40: After all that bullshit, he reveals the first Goonies game was only released in Japan, except the PlayChoice-10 but I’ll let that slide. But he mentions Americans are always getting screwed with video game releases. Fuck you, live in Europe for a few years and tell me that America gets screwed over constantly. The PAL region just got Chrono Trigger in 2009 for the DS 14 years after the original SNES release, so shut the fuck up.

2:57 – 3:04: After explaining the story, he asks “Who’s Annie, and why does Mikey have to rescue her? Doesn’t this town have any police officers?” *facepalm* I don’t know, does the Mushroom Kingdom have a police force that can rescue Peach? Why are you even asking this? It’s a video game from the 80s you douche.

3:05 – 3:18: He complains that the game doesn’t give enough backstory. READ THE DAMN MANUAL! Nintendo games don’t fully explain the story in the game; you have to read the manual! Of course since you bought your entire collection off eBay I doubt you have the manuals.

3:26 – 3:34: “There are no stages or levels, you just have to wander around looking for items to use” You mean like Metroid? I don’t recall that part of Metroid being bad, in fact it’s the main reason people praise it.

3:49 – 4:07: After explaining you can search rooms for hidden objects, he spends the time listed hitting walls and bitching. This is why people find him boring; he doesn’t have a good pace to his reviews.

4:29 – 4:39: He rescues a Goonie that tells him “You’re Braver then Brand” and he bitches that he’s never heard that term before. *sighs* If he was a “huge fan” of The Goonies he would know Brand is short for Brandon, the name of Mikey’s older brother. He does note in the video description that he knows that, he just thought it looked funny. This is the type of humor we’re working with people.

4:42: “Half the time they don’t even make no sense at all” – on the first person rooms. Wow.

5:01 – 5:24: I don’t believe this, he starts complaining about a chasm that falling down it will kill you but the nearby ladder is safe. Do you know how many games had this “flaw” in the 8-Bit era? Castlevania, Contra, Ninja Gaiden, these are all great games. This isn’t a big problem it’s something that’s in a lot of games.

5:43 – 5:54: Now he complains that when you die you lose all your keys. You mean like a lot of other action/adventure games where dying takes away some or all of your items? I thought Goonies II was a puzzle game? Dying takes away your items? That’s such a terrible flaw!

5:56 – 6:16: He comments that you can hit people with your hammer in the First-Person perspectives, then starts hitting an old woman repeatedly. Sorry, abuse to the elderly is only funny when there’s blood and brain matter.

6:17 – 6:37: He notices the old woman says “What do you do” when she’s hit and goes on a rant about the typo and that they should have noticed this. First of all, it’s an 8-Bit Nintendo game made by a Japanese company, there’s going to be typos. Second, this isn’t noticeably, you have to hit people in order to find that typo. This isn’t like Double Dragon III (I know AVGN reference shut up) where there’s a mistake on the first screen of the game, you have to go out of your way to see this.

6:45 – 7:15: He beats the game and starts bitching that Annie is a mermaid and how this doesn’t make any sense. You know, the entire story is in the instruction manual, and you can clearly see Annie on the cover art, so you shouldn’t complain.

The review FINALLY ends with Chris Bores “destroying” the game with a hammer (he cuts out before he hits it). God this was painful. So what have we learned about Goonies II? It doesn’t make sense, and... something about chasms I don’t know.

This is one of his worst videos. It’s not funny, there’s barely a review in there, and it drags on and on. This is a definite sign that he’s not improving but getting worse and we’ll see how in his next review: Mission Impossible for the NES.


  1. Someone should have told Chris Bores Me To Tears that the first Goonies game could also be found on a number of NES multicarts that boast 200 games in 1 or what have you... having gone through a number of multicarts myself (I own a couple and knew a couple friends who owned some), I've noticed that game to be a perennial favorite upon the pirates who pumped these things out back in the day.

    Actually, that would be a fun review to watch; the Irate Game reviews an NES cartridge boasting 20000 games in 1. Imagine the sheer stupidity to come out of that review.

  2. I have to admit that I'd want to see that review. It'd be his crowning achievement where he claims to review 20000 games when he just skims through most of them, primarily the repeat titles.

  3. Technically speaking, regarding the comment about Castlevania...

    Since Castlevania III is a canonical prequel to Castlevania I, it would make some semblance of sense to play them in that order. So if such a penalty exists, it wouldn't count for this reason.

    Does Irate Imbred not know this?

    Of course not - cuz he's ass!

  4. @damien:
    He made this review as an excuse to rip off AVGN's Chronologically Confused video, which is why most of the review is about the lack of Goonies 1.

    And yes Castlevania III is a prequel so playing in that order makes perfect sense.

    But why check your facts when you can gratuitously swear for no reason.

  5. @BatDan
    "Durr! Cuz It's Funny! Har! Har! Har! Facts? Whuzzat? Duurrr!"

    I hate you, Chris Bores.

  6. I stopped at the PAL rant and agree completely. I live in Australia and we, the PAL region, miss out on so many games it's not funny. And I can't afford to buy systems that override that problem.

    PAL really sucks sometimes.

    1. Not to mention, when you guys *do* get games, they're almost without exception 5/6th the speed they're meant to be because PAL TVs are so different and video games are never altered for this (or, if they are, it's just with something unimportant like the in-game timer, which makes it much harder to get the Excalibur II than it needs to be). But of course, Japanese developers don't care; they just don't like anyone not from Japan.

  7. "First of all, it’s an 8-Bit Nintendo game made by a Japanese company, there’s going to be typos. Second, this isn’t noticeably,"

    I suppose this blog was written by a Japanese blogger, then.

    1. We all make mistakes. It doesn't take away from the point he was making.