Friday, July 31, 2009

The Hulk, More Buttsex, and THE WORST GAME EVER

Not really a clever introduction today but when you review E.T. on the Atari 2600, something that EVERYONE has done then there’s no point in originality.

But first, his review of The Incredible Hulk movie, yaaay more broad statements! Let’s try and see if he contradicts his statements from the Top 10 List.

It was the same thing as his Iron Man review! Except it was longer and he pointed out a plot hole (which is odd considering his past videos). The review was written like a book report without all the symbolic explanations or STRUCTURE! When he brought up Tony Stark’s cameo he says “Super Cool!” Did you pay a 7 year old to write this? Who the fuck says Super Cool?

Feh, let’s just look at the second episode of “My Attempt to Prove I’m a Legit Filmmaker” I MEAN Chris & Scottie Road Trip.

The description says a new episode will be out every couple of months but there hasn’t been a new one since then, also a couple of months per episode, just to stand in front of a green-screen and tell bad jokes? How… what… I… You know what screw it.

Here’s something funny, in the three years since that last video Scottie lost weight but Bores gained it.

In London: They’re in some fog as they discuss London’s High Crime Rate, resulting in a lame joke of all their stuff getting stolen. I have friends in the UK asshole!

In Pisa: Bores and Douche are in the Leaning Tower of Pisa, since Bores has no idea how a joke works Dillweed does a running gag asking “Pizza” every time Bores says Pisa. Somehow Bores tires of his own joke and pushes Dimwit off the tower, I’ll give him points realizing how appalling that joke was.

In the Yucatan Peninsula: Shit-for-Brains goes looking for a Hot Dog. As McBain would say “That’s the Joke.” Suddenly a Hot Dog vendor announces his presence making Queef-Face excited. Wait, didn’t The Simpsons do this joke?

In NYC: They’re visiting a post office, how thrilling. Sperm-Drinker starts opening other people’s mail finding a Ten Million dollar prize and the rare Action Comics #1 making Bores excited. Okay why didn’t he do comic book reviews? Obviously he cares more about those then video games. Well back then no one did comic book reviews on video, that phenomenon started recently with Linkara.

In Hell, Michigan: Crackhead keeps asking why it’s called Hell prompting lame special effects symbolizing Hell to appear. Meh, next one.

So the video ends in Downtown Michigan as Cock-Knocker sees Bores kept the comic book and starts chasing him off the screen.

Bores constantly refers to himself as a “Film Director” in his videos. Looking through what he’s made I doubt Ed Wood would like his work. What exactly has he made? Walking around in the dark looking for ghosts, making fun of Mythbusters, standing in front of a green screen making bad jokes, videos about breakfast, and unbelievably awful reviews, how the fuck do these qualify as films?

Enough stalling, let’s get on with his next review, E.T. on the Atari 2600. Come ON everyone has done this! Because of that fact the AVGN won’t do that game! That and he wants to hype it up to be the biggest review ever, but still! For some reason this video is in two parts equaling 12:49 in length. He still doesn’t understand his partner privileges other then “I can remove videos!”

Part 1:

0:20: The review starts out in the New Mexico desert. He can’t be serious because this is the greenest desert I’ve ever seen. Vegetation and Plants everywhere! Grade: F -------

0:24 – 0:58: Bores is walking through the desert with a shovel, to look for the “Atari Video Game Burial.” If he did any RESEARCH like he claims he would know the material was crushed, buried, and covered in cement. If he truly was in New Mexico he would never find it (or someone would tell him it’s impossible to dig up). By the way, X-Play did a similar story like this YEARS ago. Except they never found it and they were trying to parody Fear & Loathing in Las Vegas.

0:58 – 1:41: He finds a random spot and starts digging, and digging, and digging, and HE’S JUST DIGGING! He finally hits something and takes a bunch of ET carts he buried himself. Did he really buy all those copies of ET just to make this joke? Dude, stop spending money on something you hate! We know you don’t like video games, enough of this charade people can see straight through you now.

1:42 – 2:48: “Wikipedia Facts”

2:50: “Durr I found the secret location, I r smart!”

3:08: “I’m not sure what a shit-eating grin looks like, but if I had to guess this would be it.” That’s not even CLOSE to shit-eating grin. Pictured below is Activision CEO Bobby Kotick, now I want you to resist the urge to punch him in the jaw.



Can’t do it? That’s the power of a shit-eating grin.

*yawns* Man this review is dull; I’m surprised he hasn’t put in a distracting special effect yet.

3:57: “This style of strategy ruins it” Strategy? It’s based off luck you dipshit! There’s a difference between them!

4:17 – 4:37: He does a montage (not really since there’s no music) of ET falling into the pits, each time he cusses like we’re supposed to laugh.

4:38: Holy crap he pronounced frustrating correctly! *plays Stars & Stripes Forever* He did it! He said frustrating with an R! He’s growing up so fast.

5:12: “This game is terrible!” No shit Sherlock!

5:23 – 5:50: He attempts to act angry claiming he gives up but the John Williams theme begins playing as the cartridge stares at him sadly (what), so Bores give in and promises to take him home. Robot Chicken had more dignity in their ET parodies!

Part 1 ends with Bores “pissed” at the game after trying to beat it and failing, so he promises to destroy the cart. Then the FBI knocks at his door asking for the games back, yes the FBI monitors people that obtained a 27 year old video game HOW STUPID ARE YOU? So Bores gets sympathy for the cartridge grabs his bike and attempts to fly. Being a video game it doesn’t make him fly, so he hits a dumpster and falls on the ground with two handheld ET games.

NO! You finished the Atari review right there! You can’t bleed this stone of any more material!

Let’s just finish this, on to Part 2! It’s working now because YouTube can’t get their shit right.

Title Card: It’s another bad photoshop big surprise, this one of the ET Atari Box Art with Bores replacing Elliot. You know this guy is hated when no one will draw title cards for him.

0:17: Begins his review of ET: Cosmic Garden for the Game Boy Color.

0:20: How cute, he’s showing his Game Boy Player.

0:42 – 0:58: “You have to play with shit in this game?” Well it’s a garden; they need fertilizer which is made of SHIT!

1:23: Begins review of ET for the Game Boy Advance.

1:36 – 1:57: IG pauses the game (with the Mario Pause sound… okay) and gives a multiple choice question asking what your method of defense is. He’s annoyed that it’s running around, dude why didn’t you just end with the Atari review? If you want to stick to old-school games don’t review GBA titles.

2:05 – 2:12: He points out if an FBI agent catches ET they’ll fuck him in the mouth. Video game innuendo is only funny if you DON’T point it out, of course Bores doesn’t understand explaining the joke ruins it so let’s move on.

2:21 – 2:40: Bores does another multiple choice “joke” and is annoyed the objective is to collect P Blocks. How is this annoying, it seems like a logical objective?

2:41 – 2:52: IG whines about the P and Poo in the game and a bathroom having a toilet. You’ll begin to notice Bores is declining into toilet humor, just like another game reviewer that he believes doesn’t exist.

2:53 – 3:15: Because of a HOUSE level having a BATHROOM with a TOILET! (I don’t get it either) Bores flushes the GBA ET down the toilet. Was this supposed to be a game destruction scene?

3:16 – 3:30: Since the other two games are too big to flush he prepares to blow them up, gathering a box and a bomb. Then he notices something on the Atari Cart…

A telephone number to “Phone Home” bringing us to the climax of the video, Bores calls the “mother-ship” and says to get the games. So he goes outside and sees the ship (the same exact effect used in his first Chris & Scottie Gangbang video, meaning it’s been 3 years and he hasn’t improved. What a waste). Where was I? The aliens take the box away but Bores remembers the “bad times” and blows the mother-ship up (using the same explosion effect as EVERY OTHER FUCKING VIDEO!)

This review was horrible! Does anyone need to be reminded that ET is a bad game? Did he need to review two other games nobody has heard of? Is he so lazy to use special effects that he used three years ago? GAAAAAAAH!
Well, there is something funny about that review. The phone number on the cart goes to a sex-line, a bunch of idiots in the comments called it and that’s what they got.

Bores’ next review is Home Improvement but to tide people over until that one came out he released 4 movie reviews, a NEO review, and a 30 second sketch. We’ll be looking over those next time.

16 comments:

  1. You forgot to mention that he constantly refers to the both Game Boy games as GBA games, while the first is a GBC game.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Don't you know that the "P" stands for possession?

    Oh wait, wrong review. Sorry.

    ReplyDelete
  3. I guess Bores wants to show how much of a true gamer he is by showing off his Atari AND his knowledge of what is considered the worst game of all time.

    At least he hasn't reviewed Dr. Jek- uh, I'll just stop right there.

    ReplyDelete
  4. I recall a video done by somebody about the Pisa skit--I believe it was done by googilymoo (sp?).

    If they're shooting INSIDE the Leaning Tower, why is the OUTSIDE (seen behind The Bores and "Scottie") level? Is the camera screwed up?


    Keep up the good work!
    Death to Y2B Productions!
    Death to Family Guy!

    ReplyDelete
  5. You forgot that when Irate Gamer tries to put in the Game Boy Player, you can see that the Gamecube has no wires connected.

    ReplyDelete
  6. I love how the second part of ET starts with "no one would touch the franchise with a twenty foot pole." What franchise?! There was the movie, and that's pretty much it.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Joker: IF YOU HAVE TO EXPLAIN A JOKE, THERE IS NO JOKE!

    ReplyDelete
  8. I'm surprised you didn't bring up the fact that he claimed Nintendo made the Game Boy games. They only "made" them in the same sense that they "make" any game on one of their systems; the games were developed by New Kid Co., aka, some shitty developer no one's ever heard of.

    ReplyDelete
  9. I like this post. It's quite unusual and innovative. Writer might be really gorgeous. Someone could easily claim that he is a genius. tnt-software.net |

    ReplyDelete
  10. You’ve got some interesting points in this article. I would have never considered any of these if I didn’t come across this. Thanks!.TNT Software |

    ReplyDelete
  11. Excellent. one of the best articles I have every read. This is the information which I have been searching. Great information.nc-technology.org |

    ReplyDelete
  12. I am really glad to be here.I hope to see more great articles here in the future too so keep it up and good luck to all of you!NC Technology |

    ReplyDelete
  13. You actually make it seem so easy with your presentation but I find this topic to be really something which I think I would never understand. It seems too complicated and very broad for me. I am looking forward for your next post, I will try to get the hang of it!money-business.org |

    ReplyDelete
  14. Thanks so much with this fantastic new web site. I’m very fired up to show it to anyone. It makes me so satisfied your vast understanding and wisdom have a new channel for trying into the world.Money Business |

    ReplyDelete
  15. Hello, I enjoy reading all of your post. I wanted to write a little comment to support you.Teaching House |

    ReplyDelete
  16. Aim for a higher progress and development and work your way from those goals and plans. Interesting in here indeed. thanks for the share.teachinghouse |

    ReplyDelete