Sunday, July 19, 2009

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom AKA PLEASE rip my heart out now + Hotel Gaming

Hey I’ve got a bonus for you today; I’m looking at TWO Irate Gamer videos. However one of them is less then a minute so it doesn’t really count, but hey let’s check them out anyway.

First up: Hotel Gaming. For some reason Chris Bores is in a hotel with a camera. He tells the audience that he was going to play his Game Boy (and holds it up to prove he’s a “gamer”) but realizes there’s games on the TV. But sees you have to pay for them and says “fuck it” and ends the video. So this video was made to point out something that anyone with a brain cell knows? That you pay for nearly all Hotel Services? Give this man a Pulitzer because he is a genius! What’s that? He’s possibly retarded? Give him a Darwin Award instead.

Alright enough bullshit let’s look at the real review, Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom for the NES.

0:10 – 1:10: So Chris Bores is in South America (what?) walking through a forest when he finds a temple (his garage) where the game is lying on a pillow (huh?) He takes the game and it causes an explosion that somehow sends him flying to his room in Ohio. Also the landing is completely unconvincing and the “South America” thing was extremely unnecessary. This went on for a full fucking minute.

1:28 – 1:34: After talking about how bad the game is, he comments “It sticks out like a rotted testicle.” Last I checked your balls are in your pants nobody would notice it sticking out. Oh and here’s more of that Class-A Chris Bores humor “Temple of Doom? More like Temple of Dung!” *laughtrack*

1:38 – 1:50: He comments that there’s no story and no objective. Oh but look at the 1:14 mark of the video, it tells you clearly what you’re supposed to do. Also INSTRUCTION MANUAL! Then he explains all you can do is collect the kids and weapons… I hate this show so much.

2:11 – 2:22: He mentions that the Select Button activates the menu showing the weapons but no way to select them. Actually the Start Button does that NOT the Select Button, of course Bores is using an emulator so he wouldn't know.

2:38 – 2:41: After comparing the Temple of Doom menu screen to The Legend of Zelda he retorts “It’s so easy, even a MCKid can do it.” I’d go for the obvious slam but instead I’ll just say “Not even an 8 year old would find that joke funny.”

2:48 – 2:53: He explains to activate the weapons you have to push both the select button and the D-Pad. Wait, as he said earlier the Select Button activates the menu so how can it also switch your weapons? God damn it...

4:04 – 4:12: After commenting on the levels looping like a Flintstones cartoon we cut to Bores and an oddly zoomed out shot throwing a game and it comes out the other side. DUR HUR HUR FUNNY RIGHT? I swear the only person that would find this shit funny is his mother (and a bunch of mentally deficient 10 year olds).

4:28 – 4:48: He whines that this should have been a puzzle game because there’s “no adventure” and then talks about The Adventures of Lolo (because he wants people to believe he’s a gamer of course.) By his logic is Little Nemo a puzzle game? Because the goal in that is to find keys to open a door. Screw it let’s just move on.

4:49 – 5:24: He declares the review finished when… Oh no, OH NO NO NO NO NO! He’s doing the overly cliché “Split Decision Conscience” that stopped being funny ages ago! God when he isn’t stealing jokes from other reviews he does overly cliché garbage and just painful bullshit!

5:42 – 6:17: Now IG goes on a LONG diatribe about the spider enemies. Dude just mention them and continue. Then he notes “Indiana Jones shouldn’t be pushed around by spiders, if it was Rick Moranis and The Temple of Doom I would understand.” That reference doesn’t even make sense, what was Rick Moranis in that involved spiders? Did he just use him because he’s a nerd? It doesn’t make sense!

6:22 – 6:39: He beats the game and sees the ending is awful noting it as “The worst ending I’ve ever seen in my life.” How many times must I say this? It’s an 8-Bit Nintendo game; the endings are going to suck!

The review ends with the Split Conscience returning both telling him to destroy the game. So he takes the game out (you can see his Green Screen in the TV Reflection), puts it in the microwave, which somehow blows it up with the same shitty explosion effect he always uses and he does a “Toasty” just like Mortal Kombat. So what have we learned about Temple of Doom? Well I think I heard a “the control is bad” in there and Spiders are evil or something.

For the record, the Angry Video Game Nerd also reviewed this game (a year after Bores did) however his review was far better. He did the review along with other Indiana Jones games, shown there were two versions, and “destroyed” the game by ripping its heart out just like the movie. I should also note he released this review the day before Kingdom of the Crystal Skull’s theatrical release. All Chris Bores did was go into his garage and create an explosion effect. But this is far from the worst review he’s done, as the next rant is about a video so putrid, so vile, that YouTube actually featured it (just remember they have a hard-on for Fred). Next time, his review of Super Mario Bros 2 for the NES. Brace yourself.

6 comments:

  1. Good reviews. Can't wait for the next one! :D

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  2. I really, really hope that Chris Bores never breds. That's the last thing the world needs is a small version of him running around. PS Your blog is awesome dude. I laugh so hard at it.

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  3. When I heard Chris talking about the LodgeNet SNES controller in his "Hotel Gaming" video, he said it "looks like a cross between Super Nintendo and Genesis." Has he looked at the controller for the 3DO? That looked more like a cross between the SNES and Genesis controllers (in the sense that it's dog-bone shaped, has Start and Select buttons [labeled "P" and "X" though], and L and R bumpers like the SNES controller, plus it has an 8-way D-pad and three face buttons, "A", "B", and "C", like the original Genesis controller)

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  4. Rick Moranis was in "Honey I Shrunk the Kids", where he, well, shrunk the kids. They then have to deal with oversized insects. I guess that is where he got the idea for "Rick Moranis and the Temple of Doom" gag. Two problems, though:
    1.: There are no oversized spiders in the movie, as far as I can remember.
    2.: As the title of the movie implies, Rick Moranis never changes his size.

    Way to do your research, Chris.

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  5. @Michael Heide
    Yeah that theory was brought up to me before, and then immediately shot down for the reasons you listed.

    There was, however, "Honey, We Shrunk Ourselves" where Moranis does shrink down in size and if Wikipedia is anything to go by there was a spider in the movie.

    I doubt that's the case though considering nobody saw that movie since it was direct-to-video.

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  6. You forgot to mention that he showed he was in "South America", while he entered a place with an AZTEC CALENDAR, which was made by the Aztecs, a civilization that lived in North America, and NEVER SET A FOOT in South America. Bores fails at gaming AND history... AND biology since he doesn't know whats a friggin' muscle

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