Before I finish his Contra trilogy, I might as well get a couple of his other “reviews” out the way. One of them a review of a WWE wrestling game, the other a Top 10 List of movies, the latter being in two parts for some reason.
First, his “Neo” review of WWE Smackdown vs. Raw 2008.
Intro: Huh, looks like he has a new “theme song” for these Neo reviews. It’s just another instrumental I’m sure is in the public domain He also made a new logo, which is just the same one but with a big blue NEO at the bottom. Yeah Chris Bores is lazy.
0:25: Just thought I’d point out he’s reviewing the Wii version of this game, since he did the PS2 version of The Simpsons Game.
0:30 – 0:37: “I heard the Wii version is scaled down from the 360 and PS3 versions, that sucks.” WOW! It’s like he just discovered the Wii is the worst of the three consoles this generation! He is such a great gamer! Next time he’ll talk about the Atari 2600 being worse then the NES! Yaaaaay Kill me please.
0:37 – 0:46: With this knowledge he threatens to destroy the game before playing it. Wait, isn’t Bores supposed to be a Nintendo Fanboy? *phone rings* Hello? He’s a graphics whore? That explains so much.
1:11 – 1:41: Bores points out the “incredibly detailed intros” and compares it to past Wrestling games that don’t have intros. *head-desk* This isn’t the first game to use big intros! Is this the first modern wrestling game you’ve ever played? With every video he just proves non-stop he has no idea what he’s talking about.
1:56 – 2:04: After pointing out the fast loading times he attempts a joke with “There’s nothing worse then waiting for those long” *Now Loading* “ass loading times.” Yeah because THIS joke hasn’t been done a million times before you piece of shark-shit.
2:10 – 2:24: “Bitching about lack of match options” Okay that’s a good “Lists off every kind of match” SHUT UP!
2:25 – 2:42: “Waaah this game isn’t like real wrestling waaah” Go watch real wrestling then and stop making videos.
2:44 – 3:14: IG points out the create-a-character option and attempts to create one of himself (again, ego much?) and gives himself an overblown intro and comments “It’s like looking into a mirror.” At least he didn’t review Soul Calibur IV or Rock Band, otherwise he’d do the same exact joke and it would get even less funny then it already is.
3:16 – 3:37: You know, I think Chris Bores wanted to be a Ghostbuster or a Wrestler when he grew up. However ghosts aren’t real so he did his shitty ghost hunting show, and he was a terrible actor so he couldn’t wrestle and thus couldn’t get a big intro. Seriously all he’s talked about in this review were the Intros. There’s more to pro wrestling then a big flashy intro, it’s about entertaining the audience and obeying Vince McMahon. By the way Bores would be a total Heel.
3:57 – 4:25: After IG explains the career mode he points out something about a Diva and starts ranting about that for a good 30 seconds. Last I checked people don’t buy Wrestling games for whatever it is you’re talking about. When I say Bores talks about pointless shit, this is what I mean.
4:44 – 4:56: He apologizes to his shredder (what) that the game was good so he takes Bad Dudes for the NES, says it’s crap compared to the Arcade version (dude enough with the Arcade Fellatio) and “shreds it.” What was the point of this? The review wasn’t even close to 10 minutes so how could he pad out time for something this short? WHY DO YOU DO SUCH POINTLESS SHIT?
Well the review finally *notices at least 30 seconds left* OH FOR THE LOVE OF…
The final 30 seconds are old wrestling matches that Bores attended, and the TV footage shows him acting like an idiot. This review was just pointless, though it’s weird since it’s the longest “Neo” review he’s ever done (seriously these modern reviews are like three to three and a half minutes each). I didn’t learn anything about the game; in fact I think I forgot info about games I love! YOU MOTHERFUCKER!
Enough of this, let’s view his first attempt at getting into movie reviews with the “Top 10 Summer Movies of 2008.” Since this list is out-dated expect some messed up info. Note in the description he says “He’s tired of Lousy Summer Lists” so he made his own.
Intro: Blah Blah Blah Summer Movies “I read AOL’s Top 20 Movies this year and it sucked, there’s Jennifer Aniston Bitch bitch bitch” Huh, wasn’t the only 2008 movie with Jennifer Aniston “Marley and Me” which I heard was pretty good? You know this is like his throw-away joke about The Wicker Man, it has nothing to do with the video and it’s just in there because Bores can’t write a blog.
Movie 10: The X-Files: I Want to Believe. HAHAHA Oh this is off to a great start guys. Even the fans knew this movie was going to suck before release, and I’m not talking about the hardcore fanboys. So Bores says it’s not about aliens but instead the paranormal and uses that to plug his shitty Ghost Hunting show. Too bad this movie was garbage, even Joe Dunn of “Joe Loves Crappy Movies” hated it (and he gave Wild Hogs a good score).
Movie 9: Harold & Kumar: Escape from Guantanamo Bay. Meh. Bores notes that “Doogie Howser” is in this movie and “that’s pretty cool.” Dude he’s a respectable actor now call him Neil Patrick Harris not a character he played as a kid. By the way his style of “describing the film” is something to watch out for in his future movie reviews.
Movie 8: The Incredible Hulk (2008). Okay a worthy Summer Movie. He rants about the Hulk being a lame character blah blah blah. However he remarks “I’ll just keep him away from my Nintendo system” well showing the NES. Even in his movie reviews he shows he’s not a gamer, there never was a Hulk game for the NES. Also “They casted Edward Norton as Rex Banner” So he isn’t a fan of The Hulk after all! Otherwise he’d know HIS NAME IS BRUCE BANNER YOU ASSMONKEY! Another stupid quote “Bringing in a big-name actor makes me want to see it.” This will come and bite him in the far future and you’ll know when.
Movie 7: Hellboy II: The Golden Army. Again, meh. He notes he liked the first movie, never read the comics, more about characters, talks about Frasier for some reason. This part wasn’t that bad.
Movie 6: Iron Man. Hey a movie that’s decent! “I think every movie released should be a comic book movie!” Closed-minded aren’t we Bores? “This was another great movie I’d like to see get the Live-Action treatment” wait what? I thought this was the first Iron Man movie? Was there one made 20 years ago I don’t know about? Is he talking about an animated film GAH WHY ARE YOU SO STUPID BORES! Oh and he only read a few issues, big surprise. He finishes off talking about the effects and the trailer being cool. Note that he always refers to the trailer as a reference of a film’s quality; however the old mantra is that you should never trust a trailer.
Movie 5: Hancock. Yeah that hype was short-lived. “After seeing the spectacular movie trailer, I was literally blown away” I don’t know why but that line makes me laugh. Bores points out Will Smith is the lead and references I Robot, Men in Black, and Enemy of the State as “great movies.” Wait, I Robot was terrible. It pissed all over Isaac Asimov’s excellent work, turning it into a corporate whore! Let’s just see his next idiotic choice.
Movie 4: The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor. Seriously? Even my sister hated this movie and she doesn’t know better. He notes the first two Brendan Fraser Mummy films are some of his favorites (wow, he has horrible taste) and The Mummy was his first DVD (VERY HORRIBLE TASTE). Again he talks about the effects like they’re the most important factor. You know what Chris Bores is? He’s the person that believes Michael Bay is the greatest director of all time because he uses over-the-top effects in all his movies.
Movie 3: Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. Hahahaha, oh wow. “How long has it been since the last movie 10 years?” Holy fucking shit he is stupid! 2 minutes in Google or IMDB would reveal 19 years! That’s a big difference! When referring to Indy’s son “He’s even got Louis Stevens with him” *sighs* Shia LaBeouf is also a professional actor, albeit a bad one but he has broken out of the child actor curse.
Movie 2: The Dark Knight. Wait, he voted this number 2? This was one of the best movies of the year what could be number 1? “Blah blah I’m a Batman fan blah blah” He noted he was worried that Christopher Nolan would make another Batman & Robin… I hate you.
Okay, since The Dark Knight, Indiana Jones, and Iron Man weren’t at the top, let’s see what movie he chose as his top pick. Maybe it’s some indie movie, or Speed Racer, let’s see!
Movie 1: Dragon Ball. *stares* ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? The live-action Dragon Ball? There has to be something wrong with him, there’s no other explanation. “Dragon Ball is a piece of literary genius” You know I could spend pages on this line alone, but this is getting long let’s just try and finish this. He bashes the hardcore fans but says since the series is over 400 episodes it will be epic. Alright, I’m now convinced Chris Bores does have brain damage.
This rant is over. I’ve confirmed Bores has an awful taste in movies and should NEVER review them. Next time, the final Contra review and something about Rice Krispies, I need to go watch some good movies.