Sunday, July 19, 2009

Jaws AKA Chris Bores would make great shark bait

For review number 6, the Irate Gamer tackles another LJN shit-pile based off Jaws. Is it bad? Of course it is, but how bad is it?

Get the Jaws of Life ready and let’s see.

0:00 – 0:07: He uses a little intro with his name now. Just like NO I won’t overly reference him, let’s move on.

0:10 – 0:32: The video begins with Chris Bores sitting on a beach reading Nintendo Power. LOOK GUYS! I’M TRYING TO SHOW I’M A GAMER! I’M READING NINTENDO POWER DURRR! Yes Bores because all gamers read outside. Then he hears a scream and runs away from…

0:32: A cartridge in the sand? Also “That’s right, it’s Jawls”

0:36 – 0:40: “This Great White Shark ruled the ocean in the early 80s” *shakes head* I did research of my own and there was only one Jaws movie in that time period, Jaws 3-D. The game being reviewed is based off the fourth movie released in 1987 and last I checked that’s not “Early 80s.”

1:03 – 1:10: After explaining the lack of story (again, something the instruction manual can solve) he makes an AWFUL joke using an action figure of The Sea Captain from The Simpsons. Shouldn’t you use a Family Guy character because that kind of joke is more suited to that herpes infection of a show?

1:13 – 1:40: He starts bitching that when they hit “something” it was a big lie because there’s nothing underwater but jellyfish and sting rays. So jellyfish and sting rays now constitute as nothing? Saying it’s all a big lie and then flips off the TV and that we’re trapped with nothing to do. YOU HIT THE FISH FOR SHELLS! God Armake21’s review was so much better and he didn’t show his face every five seconds.

2:04 – 2:07: “What is this? A marina or a hooker?” What is this? A joke?

2:31 – 3:07: After commenting on how boring the game is, he compares it to an NES fishing game called Black Bass Fishing… then he begins to review it. Look, it’s normal to make comparisons but don’t overdo it. Oh, and he ends it with “Why don’t people go out and do some real fishing?” Honestly I hate people who make those kinds of comments. “Stop playing Call of Duty and join the real army, stop playing Guitar Hero and play a real guitar, stop playing Mario and be a real plumber.” It’s called a video game you jackasses.

3:35 – 3:55: He continues to bitch about the “invisible thing that forces you in the water.” One last time, the jelly fish and sting rays are NOT invisible. Did Steve Irwin die from an invisible force? He continues babbling on how we’re the game’s bitch and we have no control or something it’s really moronic at this point.

3:55 – 4:14: He makes another comparison to Silent Service (saying it’s the best submarine game out there… compared to what?) and wants Jaws to have the option of going down or not. Really it’s not a big deal, sure it’s boring and tedious but would you rather spend the entire game on a boat sailing around a lifeless screen?

4:20 – 4:33: He encounters “Jawls” and whines about how he doesn’t look anything like Jaws. Two things: One, it’s an 8-Bit NES game and there are graphical limitations. You need to understand that. Two: It’s an LJN NES game so they never tried in the first place. He attempts a joke by using the Jaws sprite from the Start-Up screen saying “This is what Jaws should look like.” How lazy.

5:33 – 5:43: After he kills Jaws he starts repeating the animation while retorting “This is for Jaws 2, and Jaws 3, and Superman IV” That Family Guy humor really rots the brain huh?

5:49 – 5:54: After commenting on the ocean being safe, he edits in an Exxon Oil Tanker to crash into the mountain. Get it the ocean is safe from a shark but then an oil spill happens? It’s a comedy of errors! Hahaha *stabs hand*

The review ends with Chris Bores going outside, and throwing the game into the woods. Then the Duck Hunt Dog appears and Bores shoots him (yes because this joke hasn’t been done a million times before) and dedicates the episode to the fans who wanted to kill the dog. So what have we learned about Jaws? That sting rays and jelly fish are invisible and Chris Bores is horribly unfunny.

Really this was just a basic piece of crap review with no overly-awful moments, but will we see any of those in his review of Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom? I don’t know, but it might happen.

13 comments:

  1. Your funniest deconstruction so far. You're right... his jokes are like Family Guy's. That explains the Family Guy comparison on the back of his DVD.

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  2. I personally like Family Guy and think that comparing it to the Irate Hack show is an insult! Love the blog, though!

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  3. I remember at the end of the video, Bores said he was going to bury the cartridge.

    So...

    Burying something = throwing it in the woods?

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  4. *re-watches end of that review*
    Son of a bitch he did say bury it.

    Maybe that was his original intention but decided "No I'll throw in the dog from Duck Hunt for absolutely no reason!" Then he forgot to revise the script to reflect this.

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  5. Stop playing GTA and be a real carjacking gangster homicidal maniac.

    ReplyDelete
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