The Contra pain is over! But will it be smooth sailing from here on out? Hahaha not unless your idea of smooth is torrential storms of stupidity and jagged rocks of bad jokes, but hey we got two more reviews on the slab today so let’s roll.
I was going to look over his Ninja Turtles comic review but that was horribly dreary, more so then his other videos. So I’ll look at two of his shitty game reviews.
First up his review of Q*bert for the NES, seriously you’re going to review another Arcade Port? Maybe he’ll spend 4 minutes bitching on how it’s nothing like the original?
0:18 – 0:24: IG starts out saying that YouTube will fire him if he doesn’t make a new review. This is just terrible set-up for a video, YouTube is a free site that doesn’t pay people and… oh that’s right he’s a YouTube Partner. Still, YouTube doesn’t care if you release videos or not. They just want you to places ads all over to appease the Google Gods.
0:41 – 0:50: Bores questions the meaning of the word Q*bert and makes a lame joke with Q from Star Trek and Bert from Sesame Street saying the name doesn’t make sense. Actually 3 minutes in Google helps that “conundrum.” Q is short for Cube, which was going to be the original title (Cubes), and Bert is short for Hubert the original name for the character. Combining it into Cubert and simplifying it to Q*bert and you have an Arcade Icon.
1:04 – 1:13: He notes the Wrong-Way enemies and yells at them asking “What do you think this is, an Escher painting?” Well the style of the pyramid took great inspiration from M.C. Escher’s paintings so in a way it IS an Escher painting. Also he pronounces the name wrong big surprise.
1:13 – 1:35: Bores notes the “confusing” controls and how the D-Pad isn’t always right. Dude it’s a port of an Arcade game that used an 8-Direction Joystick, it’s not going to be 100% perfect *looks at TMNTII review* Fuck you. Also “You need a degree in Q*Bert Physics just to figure this out” as he holds “The Idiots Guide to Q*Bert” (which doesn’t exist by the way). God Spax3 is funnier then this, I’d rather listen to his reviews on voice acting then this crap.
1:52: “If they manage to catch you, Q*bert starts swearing worse then a Video Game Reviewer.” Are you actually giving subtle acknowledgement to the AVGN? No, it’s probably another egotistical reference to himself.
1:58 – 2:16: Bores starts talking about the discs that take you to the top and they’re your only defense but bitches they don’t work every time. So they work like a Classic Arcade Game?
2:18 – 2:36: IG mentions the discs are just like Press Your Luck and… FOR THE LOVE OF he starts re-enacting the game with the Big Board and everything. He gets a Whammy and flips off the animated Whammy that isn’t in front of him. By the way douche Press Your Luck wasn’t always random; a man figured out the pattern and won big on the show, then they changed it to avoid memorization.
2:46 – 3:06: Another unrealistic montage that tries to be epic but falls flat because Bores facial expressions are so abnormal. Dude enough with the fucking montages; you’re not Rocky Balboa or Daniel LaRusso.
3:14: “Now I gotta do twice the work? The hell with that!” I’m going to quote the Irritated Gamer now (another parody series done by musician Chris Holland) “My time is precious! I can’t be wasting it on pointless bullshit!” Though this was said by a parody, it’s a good point. Bores always whines about playing the game for too long but when it comes to pointless guest stars and special effects he has all the time in the world.
So he ends the review laughing that YouTube can’t fire him but then the words “The All New Irate Gamer Show” appear and… Kill me, just kill me now. Michael Buckley of the painfully unfunny What the Buck show appears and does his same abortion-causing jokes he always does BUT WITH VIDEO GAME CHARACTERS! Well it seems this was the April Fools episode but to me seemed like a shameless plug to another unfunny YouTube Partner. Chris Bores can’t even do an April Fools Day joke correctly he just fails so much!
According to his site, the Q*bert review was the end of “Season 1” (which is weird since his DVD only has 11 episodes, not 17). Bores still believes he’s TV-material how cute. Now that I got that little tidbit out the way, let’s look at his review of the NES game Predator.
0:17: Hey a title card, that happens to be a shitty photoshop of Bores in the line of a sniper scope, yeah it’s a terrible rendition of the movie poster.
0:19 – 0:43: The video starts with a stock rainforest image and Chris Bores walking through his apartment glaring around the potted plants, okaaaay this is weird. He finds the game, picks it up and tries to give an “Irate” face. There are so many problems with this intro it’s scary. Remember back at his Indiana Jones review where he was walking outside pretending it was South America? Here he’s just moving his potted plants around pretending to be outside, and it’s not even close to convincing as you can see his wall. Also when he picks up the game he’s showing the label to the camera and “scowling” at the back of the cart. Last I checked the back of an NES cartridge is BLANK! Let’s just move on with this crap.
0:44: “Turning a Hollywood movie into a video game always spells disaster.” Goldeneye, Super Star Wars, Spider-Man 2, The Godfather, The Chronicles of Riddick, and Aladdin would like a word with you (oh and keep an eye on Aladdin).
0:52: “This game isn’t just bad; it’s like a shit-taco with cow urine as a dipping sauce.” Seriously dude lay off the food comparisons it just makes your fat face look even fatter.
1:23 – 1:26: “I guess I’ll have to beat these guys down with my FISTS OF FURY!” I’ve said before I won’t make a ton of AVGN comparisons; but that joke isn’t from an AVGN video. It’s from a video by wizwar100/LazyWorkCreations. What video you ask, oh just his review of Predator on the NES. Yeah, not satisfied with just stealing from James Rolfe he’s gone to other reviewers because people have caught on to him. Yes wizwar was not pleased with this.
1:31 – 1:35: “The worst thing about using your fists is that your attack range is limited.” Uh-duhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! So what’s your next intense observation? Jump from the wrong place and you’ll… wait he did that one. GOD FUCKING DAMN IT!
1:36: Fustrating Alert!
1:52 – 2:10: Bores starts whining about Dutch wearing pink resulting in the camera cutting to him in a weird angle (showing his TV and large Brawl box for some reason) where he comments “His pink outfit makes me angry! I want to kill him! I’M NOT GAY!” Well that’s the impression I got.
*50 seconds of wizwar stealing later*
2:57 – 3:25: IG says you find a gun in Level 3 which is WRONG! You can get a gun in the very first part of the game, just go to the left and jump up. Then he starts ranting that it’s a laser and how that wasn’t in the movie. Does this motherfucker know about Nintendo’s Regulations in the 80s? They freaked out over simple guns, which is why Contra has different colored bullets and a laser. Yeah, you’re a gamer MY ASS IS A GAMER!
3:26: Fustrating Alert! Get speech lessons dude.
3:40 – 3:45: For some reason Bores is seen through a thermal scope (that doesn’t look thermal). I really hope he isn’t doing what I think he’s doing.
4:17 – 4:44: Bores starts ranting on the weird “emenies” that weren’t in the movie (Hi, I’m a movie licensed NES game. My characteristics include terrible gameplay and enemies that weren’t in the movie). He suggests throwing in random enemies like cows, sharks, and Richard Simmons Work-Out videos. I’d note how stupidly unfunny that last one is but I noticed when AGEntertainment reviewed the AVGN and IG’s DVDs he made a sight gag with a Richard Simmons DVD in reference to IG’s DVD, but that’s probably a coincidence.
5:15 – 5:38: After defeating a Predator he whines that there’s more then one Hunter and it’s not like the movie. I’d say something about the sequel but we’re getting into Dead Horse Territory now. Then he makes some joke about being watched, I think it’s a joke because he’s a terrible actor.
6:15 – 6:29: After some ranting on the small platforms he does the “bottomless pit” joke where Dutch keeps falling but goes through other NES games then the Bores Devil reading a newspaper. God I’ve seen funnier jokes from Dane Cook.
6:47 – 7:24: He reaches some level (he doesn’t say which number) and starts shaking his controller like a Parkinson’s victim, I guess it’s because he’s “angry” but again Bores is a horrible actor so his “Irate nature” is extremely forced.
The review ends with one of the absolute worst climaxes I’ve ever seen in a video. Bores is nearly shot by a bad special effect when the Predator shows up, ah jeez he did do this. He fights the Hunter, beats him senseless, and then blows his head off with the Predator’s gun. Okay this isn’t just ripping off the AVGN’s concepts, this is fucking stealing! No other video reviewer fights the character from the game, and blowing the Hunter’s head off was exactly like the end of James’ Friday the 13th review. Seriously people try to defend this crap? What is wrong with you? How can you not see the similarities? How are these just coincidences? WHY DO YOU PISS ME OFF SO MUCH BORES AHHHHH *static* My God I thought you’d never break down again. Well I’ll finish this rant off.
Next time Daniel will break down his Mario & Sonic At the Olympic Games review, his Iron Man movie “review” (you’ll see why this is in quotations), and Part 1 of his R.O.B. review. I think Daniel will need some time to recover.