Tuesday, July 28, 2009

More cereal, Contra 3 with a Vengenace, and Battalion Wars II

Finally, time to end all his bullshit diatribes about Contra. Oh right that’s going to have to wait a little bit longer as Bores released another breakfast related video to “tide over the fans” or something. Though this isn’t a rant, it’s a “documentary” about the new language “Rice Krispanese.” I wish I was making that up, and since the video is less than 2 minutes in length don’t expect a minute-by-minute analysis.

Bores talks in a VERY retarded voice about the mystery of Rice Krispies and the language they speak, then he’s seen walking in a snowy area that’s supposed to be a mountain but it’s really his backyard. Bores announces he found the “Rice Krispies Rosetta Stone” and because of this Rice Krispanese became very popular. Surpassing Spanish, French, and Klingon in terms of use, and again I swear he puts effort into being unfunny.

After that non-joke he shows a poorly photoshopped newspaper, a painful joke about singing cereal, then a cancer-inducing impression of Jerry Seinfeld. He ends this torture by asking if the language will stay or fade out like the Macerana. I’m amazed; he took a routine by George Carlin and stabbed all the hilarity out of it. Luckily Bores stopped doing videos on breakfast because NO ONE CARES ABOUT THEM!

Alright no more distractions, let’s rant on the final Contra review and hopefully end it. Oh, in the description Bores remarks this review went through 5 re-writes. You know, if he really does look over his scripts then why are there so many errors in every one of them?

0:20: Starts with Contra III: The Alien Wars

0:28: Notice how Contra Force is still there, if he wanted to keep continuity he shouldn’t have shown it since it was destroyed!

0:45 – 0:55: Before he starts the game he goes to the Options menu and sets the difficulty to Easy. The following quote is from Armake21, some words were changed to reflect this text format. “Who, reading this right now, has to play Contra III on EASY because they can’t handle it on Normal or Hard? You hear the crickets? That’s because any gamer worth their salt is NOT going to play Contra on Easy, Contra on Easy is a fucking joke! More so he bitched and moaned about the other two games HE doesn’t even know what the fuck he’s talking about! He proves nonstop that he’s an ignorant motherfucker that doesn’t know half as much as what he’s talking about then he claims. He just looks pretty on camera.” I couldn’t have said it better.

1:11 – 1:16: After listing the new weapons he claims “They even upgraded the shitty laser, a well-deserved update.” Fuck! Because Bores uses a Turbo he believes he’s right! Oh but that’s not the only egotistical bullshit we’ll be seeing from him.

1:25 – 1:32: He shows a chart saying Contra games follow a pattern of getting harder each game. Gah, if anything they’ve gotten easier since the first! Super C was way too easy and Contra III stepped it up a bit but not difficult like the first. Also, don’t fucking judge the difficulty if you’re playing on Easy.

Bitch Bitch Bitch Bitch Whine Whine Whine Whine

2:42 – 2:58: He reaches the last level and fights a mini-boss that’s the same as the second to last boss from the first game and says “Coool I wish I could capture this in a postcard” and he creates one! God I’ve seen Dora the Explorer jokes funnier then this!

2:59 – 3:25: He starts going through the bosses and starts whining that their all the same from other games and asks if they ran out of ideas. Noooo the aliens in this game are the same as the first two so you shouldn’t be surprised if they reuse them! Besides, this is supposed to be the “End of Vile Red Falcon” so killing all the boss aliens seems appropriate for this game. Oh and he doesn’t point out the final bosses second form despite being one of the hardest bosses in gaming history.

3:29 – 3:49: IG beats the game and whines that he didn’t get a proper ending. I quote “I just spend an hour trying to beat this game and this is the ending I get?” Just an hour? You really are a wimp aren’t you Bores?

3:50 – 4:25: Bores starts bitching about wasting time to beat it on Normal (it’s not a waste of time, its called replay value) and whines that you have to beat it on Hard for the true ending. So he makes up his own ending with “Go Fuck Yourself you Gaming Asshole.” Okay this is too obvious, that “joke” was directly lifted from the AVGN’s Ghostbusters Follow-Up video where the Nerd re-writes the ending to the NES game with the message “Now Go Fuck Yourself.” There are people out there who try to defend things like this and it’s really sad.

5:05 – 5:22: After IG lists off other Contra games he begins his review of Contra 4 on the DS, then he ends it. Seriously the time you see is how much was spent on it. It doesn’t help since the title of the video says he’s reviewing Contra 3 and 4 and just mentioning the game DOES NOT qualify as a review.

The review ends with Bores saying he doesn’t want to see another alien and starts playing Simon’s Quest (you can hear the music) and then he hears something, so he looks outside and sees the sprites from Space Invaders. Didn’t Futurama do this joke, only it was far funnier?

So, what have we learned from the Contra Trilogy? I don’t think I learned anything at all. You know, doing a trilogy on one series of games reminds me of the AVGN doing a trilogy of Ghostbusters games way back in 2007, but that’s reaching too far. No wait I did learn something; that the Irate Gamer’s fans are fucking retarded 10 year olds! Nearly every legit gamer went against him after his Contra reviews and the only people staying have never played these games.

Oh yeah, Bores released an Outtake reel from his Contra videos. But they’re all the same with him stuttering over the lines so I won’t cover that (in fact all his outtakes are like that).

Well I’ve got time for one more shitty review so let’s look at his “NEO” review of Battalion Wars 2 for the Wii.

0:20 – 0:40: He says he didn’t like the game and that’s it. Yay quickest review ever I’m *notices there’s at least 3 minutes left* God damn it.

0:50 – 0:56: Bores says the game is a Strategy Fighter similar to Rogue Squadron. Wait, Rogue Squadron? That’s an Arcade-Style Shooter not a Strategy game. If anything BW2 is similar to the Advance Wars series.

1:06 – 1:16: “I’m not good at these games” then why review it? “You have to use a lot of strategy to win” Thank You Captain Obvious.

1:28 – 1:46: “I sure love the cutscenes, they’re like Lord of the Rings Hur Dur Dur.” Dude, if you only like the cinematic scenes then go watch a damn movie (but don’t review it).

1:54 – 2:11: He notes the Army Generals the player works for and starts drooling over the token female. Am I the only one creeped out by this?

2:22 – 3:04: Bores starts whining about your superior officers constantly talking and that they never shut up. You mean like the real army? *Sees Bores fat ass* Oh right. Then he starts whining that he failed the mission because they wouldn’t stop talking. To quote FFL2and3Rocks (a guy who parodies the Irate Gamer) “Therefore it’s the game’s fault that I suck!”

3:14 – 3:19: His biggest “complaint” is that only a few cutscenes have the token female. Dude don’t bring your perverted fantasies into your videos, the reviews are already disgusting enough.

So he ends the review by using the game as a coaster. How boring. Like I said before his Neo reviews are very short and say very little about the game. Thus I can’t really do the “What Have we Learned” segments unless it’s an extra bad review. Next time I’ll look at his reviews of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles comics printed by Archie and Q*Bert for the NES.

5 comments:

  1. Hey Hey Hey, I think it's unfair to say Bores was never in the army. Perhaps you forgot he played Private Pyle in Full Metal Jacket.

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  2. Before or after he blew his brains out?

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  3. Ha, that Rice Krispanese video was featured on ED's "Unfunny" page for a while. I didn't even realize that was IG at the time, but it makes a lot of sense.

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  4. Really? ED featured that horrible video?
    That's fraking hilarious.

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  5. IMO, Contra 3 is a lot harder than the first one, mainly because of the bosses. The bosses in Contra are A JOKE, while in Contra 3 are harder and take a lot more hits to defeat. And the overhead view stages in Contra 3 are harder than the Base stages in Contra.

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