Friday, July 31, 2009

More Robots, Bores can't make films, and Durrrr Point & Click? What's That?

Hahahaha! Oh sweet delicious payback, it tastes like victory and pretzels! I’m pretty sure Chris Bores entered a huge state of paranoia after the UNN Interview but that didn’t stop him from making shitty videos. First up is the conclusion to his ROB review.

Apparently he had help from a “friend” named Justin but didn’t add him in the credits because he “forgot.” Really he wanted to take all the credit but Justin pestered him to share the wealth.

0:35 – 1:04: For some reason he’s still reviewing Gyromite despite the title saying otherwise.

1:05 – 1:22: Why is the camera angle so weird in this scene? It’s like a wide-angle lens that increases the mass of IG’s face while at the same time showing his posters and shelves… dude stop showing the posters.

1:23 – 2:28: This entire time is spent trying to solve a puzzle while using ROB and showing awful close-ups of his Igor-esque eyes. He also sweats to “build tension.” I felt more suspense watching Barney the Dinosaur.

2:30 – 2:37: Bores makes a frog face that I think is anger but I’m not too sure, so he picks up ROB and starts choking him while forcing out “Irate” lines.

Do you guys know why the Irate Gamer’s anger always sounds forced? He’s a Buddhist; yeah he’s part of a religion that enforces inner-peace and tranquility. Why even make a show about someone that’s supposed to be angry all the time? I don’t know anymore.

2:38: Starts his review of Stack-Up

Boring Boring Boring BORING! GAAAH WHY MUST YOU BE SO DULL?!

4:24 – 4:47: Bores does another montage hoping he got the Memory Sequence right, and he shows even more strange faces doing this. Dude, stop with the faces it’s disgusting.

5:00 – 5:06: “The robot moves so slow that it leaves the players bored” You mean like your videos?

5:38 – 5:44: While playing the Bingo game the enemy “presses” the party button and makes ROB dance again while playing that AWFUL WILL SMITH SONG! Because this joke was SOOOOO FUCKING HILARIOUS the first time around! Not only has Chris Bores’ mind been infected by the Family Guy virus, all his “fans” have got it. They find jokes like this “utterly hilarious.”

6:01: “This game isn’t just Stack-Up, it’s also fucked-up” as he photoshops the word onto the cover. I’m sorry for putting you through this awful humor go watch SpoonyOne he’s hilarious.

The review ends with ROB turning evil and attempting to kill Bores in a long drawn-out “action scene” that’s far more boring then Last Action Hero and effects that not even Uwe Boll would touch. The way Bores fights ROB is like an armless man attempting to juggle it’s just humiliating, the whole time I was shouting “It’s a fucking foot-long toy! Stop acting like you have brain damage!”

Also, the evil ROB plot isn’t even original. Ace and Chet of Awesome Video Games did it LONG before Bores and I’m sure there are text articles out there about ROB’s ulterior motive. This plot also looks similar to the AVGN’s Super Mario Bros 3 episode where the game was possessed by the devil prompting the entrance of Super Mecha Death Christ 3000 (FUUUUUCKERS!)

Now that we got that bullshit out of the way, let’s TRY and view “The 4th of July Road Trip” or the first “Chris & Scottie Road Trip.” I believe this was another attempt at Bores making a new series but like his videos on breakfast they utterly failed. I won’t be doing minute-by-minute here, instead I’ll say “One Minute In this is happening” and “Two Minutes In” and so on. Let’s roll.

At the intro Bores notes he made this back in 2005 and hopes to release more of them. Oh yeah this is going to be painful.

One Minute In: So the premise is Chris and some guy named Scott standing in front of a green screen telling lame jokes, this is a trainwreck already.

Two Minutes In: Oh, it’s not just telling horrible jokes. It’s also “History Lessons” about the locations while Bores reads off cue cards. At “Niagra Falls” Scottie falls off the ledge in the most unconvincing manner possible.

Three Minutes In: They “visit” The Home Depot Arena, and Death Valley. Scott whines that no one watches soccer as someone throws a soccer ball at his head then WHY AM I WATCHING THIS? The jokes on DIC cartoons are funnier then this!

Four Minutes In: Some more lame desert jokes and Wile E Coyote footage, they get to Hoover Dam with Bores mentioning New Mexico instead of Las Vegas.

Five Minutes In: Wile Coyote blows up Hoover Dam with the same lame effects Bores used TWO YEARS AFTER THIS VIDEO WAS MADE! Then they get to Yankee Stadium where IG’s Bitch starts dancing or something.

Six Minutes In: Scottie gets hit with a baseball for insulting the Yankees. This joke doesn’t make sense from a perspective stand-point, they’re standing outside the stadium facing the outfield and the ball comes in from the right. You know what screw it why should I explain this shit? After that they visit Pixar Studios where Bores credits one of their films as “Little Nemo.” Except the movie they made was Finding Nemo! Little Nemo was an early 20th century comic from Winsor McCay and one of the earliest examples of animated cartoons, there was also an animated film in 1989 with a great video game tie-in.

Seven Minutes In: For some reason Scottie picks the next location and he wants to go to Greece, except he keeps going to the wrong location, breaking many conventional rules of comedy including the Rule of Three. Yeah it’s not funny in the slightest.

Eight Minutes In: They go to Greece FINALLY ending that painful joke but leave and go to Vegas, weren’t they just there? Something about Star Trek and a lame effect I’m just droning it out at this point.

The stupidity ends when they return home after visiting Detroit. Wow, this was fucking lame for a “Professional Filmmaker” that wants to make a name for himself. I know that James Rolfe wasn’t famous in 2005 but do you know what he was making back in 2005? The Deader The Better, which is considered his best Cinemassacre Film (non-AVGN work). In fact, watch Cinemassacre 200 to see the amount of dedication that James Rolfe puts into his films and how long he’s been doing it.

Let’s just finish this with his NEO review of Zack & Wiki: Quest for Barbaros’ Treasure on the Wii.

0:20: “Zack and Weeki for the Wii” Don’t you mean Wiki as in Wikipedia? *sighs* only a few seconds in and he screws up, unbelievable.

0:24 – 0:31: Bores points out he doesn’t know what to think of this game, does that mean he found something average? Oh joy he doesn’t deal in absolutes anymore!

0:44 – 0:55: “What the hell is a Weeki?” It’s an imaginary character made up for this game you prick! Then he whines about Zack’s intelligence or something.

Blah Blah Blah Characters boring blah.

1:30 – 1:37: “This isn’t an action game, it’s a puzzle game!” No, it’s a Point & Click Adventure! Get it right!

1:38 – 2:10: “This game is weird because I click so much; I’ve never played anything like it.” Asfjdal;krfl;adsfjsdl;afjkasdl;tjwrel;kl;jjkl; nn4t5zxvcreSdfa *static* OH GOD HE’S FOAMING AT THE MOUTH!

How could he not know what a Point & Click Adventure game is? Monkey Island, Day of the Tentacle, Maniac Mansion, Full Throttle, Grim Fandango, and recent outings like Strong Bad’s Cool Game for Attractive People! If he’s trying to credit himself as a gamer HE NEEDS TO KNOW THESE THINGS! AHHHHHHHHH!

2:11 – 2:24: “I have trouble finding a big shiny star on the screen because I have no idea what I’m doing.” Well those weren’t his exact words but that’s a good summary of his “Bawwwww”ing.

He ends the review with a very wishy-washy conclusion saying he doesn’t know what to think. Oh and he only played a couple of levels as evidenced from the footage, big fucking surprise.

How is it Bores always fails? This isn’t even a train wreck anymore, it’s a giant catastrophe. It’s like 3 jetliners, 10 monster trucks, and 4 Japanese Bullet-trains all collided with a Nuclear Bomb going off at the same time.

We’re getting closer to the end, next time his review of The Incredible Hulk film, another “Chris & Scottie Gay Orgy” and Part 1 of E.T. Way to blow your negativity load there moron!

3 comments:

  1. I can imagine him playing Sam & Max....

    "You have a gun? I thought this was a kid's game!"

    "How was I supposed to know you're sposed to put ketchup on the birthday cake?"

    "Wait, you're supposed to lose that Tic Tac Toe game? This game flips my she-it!"

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  2. point and click adventure?

    Dont foget Clock Tower on Super Famicom
    LOL

    ReplyDelete