Wednesday, July 29, 2009

The Olympics, First Movie Review, and Useless Robots.

It doesn’t end; the poorly acted hackneyed reviews never end. Always getting his facts wrong, can never tell a funny joke, most of his lines are stolen from other reviewers, it’s the best way to torture someone. That’s how I look at it, like a snuff film. You’re completely horrified but you can’t look away.

Well, we’re almost done until Bores releases another review (as of 7/29/09 he hasn’t released one in over two months) so I’ll keep persevering through this garbage. I guess this is how Chris Holland and FFL2and3Rocks feel when they do research for their parody videos.

First on the chopping block is IG’s “Neo” review of Mario & Sonic at the Olympic Games for the Wii. We’ve seen a ton of ill-informed facts in the past but in this review… OH GOD!

0:20 – 0:30: “Sega released the Genesis to compete with the Super Nintendo.” Excuse me? Is he implying that the Genesis was released AFTER the Super Nintendo? IS THERE ANY REASON TO GO ON WITH THIS? This is the final shred needed to prove Chris Bores isn’t a gamer! The Genesis was released to compete with the NES since the Sega Master System was failing in sales, thus the infamous advertising slogan “Genesis Does What Nintendon’t” So Nintendo brought out the SNES to fend off the Sega Menace, even though Sega tried to show off “Blast Processing” (which has been proven to be a load of bunk).

Oh, and this gets worse. One of the early comments on this video has someone prove him wrong (though crediting Wikipedia but history is also a good back-up) and Bores replied to it, and I quote “hate to break it to you but wikipedia is a horrible source for information. The Sega Master system competed with the NES, not the genesis. The genesis came out around the same time as the SNES” Not only is he lying about not using Wikipedia (it always shows in his reviews) but he thinks he’s correct and the massive amount of proof is a lie.



Jeez, not even one minute in and I’m already off the deep end.

0:42: “Mario ‘VS.’ Sonic at the Olympic Games” Notice the VS in there despite the obvious Ampersand. But since what he says goes then I guess we’ll have to abide by his laws! Everyone destroy any Arcade Cabinets of Turtles in Time! According to the Irate Gamer it doesn’t exist!

0:45 – 1:00: “Waaaah it sucked waaaah it wasn’t epic waaah I only played for 5 minutes thus my review is no longer credible waaaaah.”

1:19 – 1:41: IG begins complaining that playing the game requires you to move the Wii Remote (rather the Wii Joystick as he calls it). OH MY GOD! THE DRIVING FORCE BEHIND THIS CONSOLE IS THE REASON IT SUCKS! Jeez his fatass probably couldn’t keep up with Wii Sports either.

1:43: Fustrating Alert!

Waaaah this game is boring! I can’t use the controls properly thus it sucks waaaaah! Good God man the game doesn’t suck YOU FUCKING SUCK! By the way, Devin Townsend says You Suck.

2:14 – 2:21: “If Bowser loses you don’t get to kill spectators, what a rip-off!” Oh, we’re sorry for trying to make a game about the Olympics with Mario and Sonic characters. We’re sorry for trying to make use of the Wii Technology to combine the two biggest rivals in gaming. We’re sorry for doing a cross-promotion for the 2008 Summer Olympics. We’ll get you that Sonic game that’s nothing but speed! *whispers down* Get him Sonic 06.

More whining about the controls, honestly the control wasn’t bad. He just sucks at the game.

3:03: “This should have been fun and crazy, like a real Mario vs. Sonic game.” DUDE! IT’S NOT MARIO VS SONIC! IT’S MARIO AND SONIC! Why do you piss me off SO FUCKING MUCH!

He ends the review saying “Wait until SSBB comes out.” Except this review was posted April 26th 2008, at least one month after Brawl’s release in North America, and he doesn’t even use the official box art. Then he throws the game in the most pitiful way possible, he just flicks it while staring at the camera. By the way there’s a Fustrating Alert at 3:17.

Side-Note: After this video he re-uploaded his MUSCLE review because he changed some things, but I’m not going to drudge my way through that pile of mooseshit review just to find them.

Now to check out his first film review (that isn’t a Top 10 List), and it’s going to be Iron Man. Wow, it’s only 48 seconds long. Unless Bores talks like the Micro Machines Man then I doubt this is a real review. Also the title of the video says “The Iron Man.’ I don’t remember Tony Stark or any other Marvel Superhero calling him “The Iron Man.”

*watches it* I really can’t say anything; it’s just a bunch of broad statements without any explanation. “The characters were cool, the effects were good, the villains were great” it doesn’t even qualify as a review. It’s like walking out the theater and seeing that annoying Frat Boy yelling “OHHH SHIT SON THAT BITCH WAS OFF THE HOOK! IRON MAAAAN!”

Sadly this is how Chris Bores reviews movies. He doesn’t give any insight, any explanation; it’s all general statements that anyone can say. In fact you can walk up to 100 different people on the street and ask “What did you think of this movie” they will use the exact statements. Since this is a survey on the street that’s fine, but this is a man claiming to be a professional reviewer, he needs to put more thought and effort into it.

Speaking of no thought and effort, it’s time for the Irate Gamer’s next review. ROB the Robot Part 1, apparently a shitty NES peripheral requires two parts both under 11 minutes each despite Bores having Partner Status allowing him to upload over the limit.

I should point something out first, May 14th 2008 the AVGN released a review of NES Accessories and said at the end he would get to ROB in a future video. May 29th 2008 the Irate Gamer releases his review of ROB. People claim that this is a coincidence as “Bores was working on this video for months.”

So you’re going to say that Bores was working on this review for months, an eight minute review that requires a second part released one month after, and the first released a mere couple of weeks after James Rolfe said he’ll be reviewing ROB in the far future. If this is a coincidence then Chris Bores has the devil’s luck.

Intro: Irate Gamer Season 2? Now you’re labeling it? Dude, this shit will never be on TV, unless it’s a special about robbery then yes I can see that.

0:31: Oh goody, another poorly made title card. Because a hand-drawn title card is overrated, that Mike ***** sure is a hack and the Nostalgia Critic hasn’t been the same since Marobot started doing title cards. Hahahahaha AAAAAAAAH

0:40: Is he wearing a blue button-down shirt? Name any other reviewer that wears button-down shirts. Yeah, that’s what I figured.

0:42 – 0:45: “Today we’ll be looking at a very obscure Nintendo Accessory that not many people recognize.” Obscure? Dude ROB was the sole reason the NES succeeded in North America. Oh but I’m sure he’ll explain this right. Right?

*50 seconds of Wikipedia facts later*
Yeah he did.

1:36: “Out of almost the 700 games produced for the NES” Almost 700? That’s implying there are less then 700 NES games, when there are well over 800. That’s not including the Famicom titles never released outside of Japan.

1:56 – 2:04: Somehow Bores obtained a Famicom Robot from Japan (eBay sure is nice huh guys) and makes an AIDS-Inducing Abortion of a joke. “In Japan, it was called the Family Computer Robot, or the Fucker for short.” This is one of the worst things I’ve ever heard on YouTube and I’ve seen 12 year old girls confess their wet dreams about the Jonas Brothers. I’m surprised more people don’t refer to this joke when talking about the Irate Gamer’s lack of comedy or charm.

*boring facts*

2:44 – 2:49: “Set this thing up for optimal paformance” Seriously dude, fucking speech lessons. Also “This is a highly technological piece of shit we’re dealing with.” C-can someone remind me how a loud and slow robot toy is advanced? Was that him trying to make a joke? I’M SO CONFUSED!

2:49 – 3:26: Bores notes ROB needs batteries so in a very unnecessary time-padding sequence he goes searching for batteries set to Vampire Killer from Castlevania (NOOOO I LIKE THIS SONG). You know, I think this sequence was included to show off his new “Hardcore Gamer Set” which is just a bunch of video game posters and many different consoles spread out all over the place instead of one shelf of NES games.

I just figured out why this episode took months to make, he needed to buy all this off eBay. The man lives in an apartment so there’s no way he hid all those posters and spare consoles/games. If you’re thinking “Oh he needed to add a bunch of effects” bullshit. I’m 3 1/2 minutes in and so far no effects, just camera work that can be done in 2 hours.

3:58 – 4:28: In another time-padding sequence he shows how long it takes for ROB to press the A Button all while splicing shots of his gorilla-face WITHOUT TALKING! I know ROB is slow but you could at least interject some comments while waiting or some sight gags MY GOD I don’t have a video camera and I know how to make a better video then you!

4:33: “What a piece of diarrhea dick-waffles!” Are you 5? By the way, this seems to be very similar to the popular AVGN quote “It’s like diarrhea coming out of my dick” only he added Waffles since Bores is a fatass that loves breakfast. Also when he says this, it looks like he’s staring at cue cards and forcing his words out.

4:44: “You play as Professor Gyro.” Professor Gyro, don’t you mean Professor Hector? If you’re the second player then Professor Vector? But hey since Bores is the all-knowing seer of gaming then he MUST be right! After all, the Sega Genesis came out after the SNES and a logo can go a long way.

5:36 – 5:45: Time for another lame Chris Bores joke. “If you press the Party Button, then he Gets Jiggy with It” as he presses a P sticker on his NES controller, plays the Will Smith song, and shows a sped-up ROB “dancing.” Wait, did he seriously say “Get Jiggy with It” I mean seriously? I’m going to quote the Nostalgia Critic from his Steel review “Hang on! The Internet Movie Database might have some other catchphrases that nobody uses anymore! Let’s get… Juggy with it!” I mean, what the hell is wrong with him?

The rest of the review is more bitching and moaning about ROB being the worst thing ever with some ugly hard-to-look at “anger expressions” that IG makes. It turns out ROB is evil so Bores tells him to stop being an asshole or something and that ends Part 1. For Shit’s sake the ROB is Evil joke has been done to death, Bores has to use every god damn clichĂ© in the gaming book!

I still have to wonder how this took months to make, there were little to no effects and all the camera work can be done in a few hours. I’m placing my bets on the “months of work” being all the new posters and consoles gotten off of eBay. Bores is really committed to this lie that he’ll spend hundreds if not thousands of dollars on games he’ll never play all to keep up this illusion that he screwed himself into.

Damn this was a lengthy rant, so we’ll stop here for now. Next time breaking down his reviews of Super Smash Bros. Brawl (oh joy), the Superman: Doomsday DVD (ech), and the second part of that ROB Travesty.

22 comments:

  1. Do not read this while eating.

    I would rather play Pong Toss on the Wii.
    I would rather play Plumbers Don't Wear Ties.
    I WOULD RATHER HAVE THE RUSTIEST HOOK I COULD FIND AND GOUGE MY EYES OUT WITH IT WHILE A GREAT WHITE SHARK, THROUGH GREAT PRECISION, GRABS MY DICK WITH ITS TEETH AND RIPS IT RIGHT OFF AS A CHARGING VELOCIRAPOR, WITH AN ERECT DICK, JUMPS RIGHT ON TOP OF ME, RIPS ME A NEW ASSHOLE, AND FUCKS IT...

    than to watch these awful, shitty, boring, and error-filled piles of Irate Garbage defended by retard fanboys who live in their mother's basement and wack off to bestiality porn, still wondering why they don't have a girlfriend, or a life for that matter.

    ReplyDelete
  2. The Irate Gamer's research in a nutshell:

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2yqUpypQwGs&feature=related

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  3. Party button? Are you sure it isn't the POSSESSION button?

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  4. Sonic 06? Nah...

    Get him Sonic The Hedgehog Genesis for GBA. Now there's a good game about speed...

    Oh wait.

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  5. @damien:
    Ask Ace & Chet of Awesome Video Games, Bores stole all of the plot elements from them.

    @dtm666:
    Haha, that would be perfect.
    I made that remark in relation to his Sonic Unleashed review where he whined that you couldn't just run through all the stages like the old games.

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  6. @BatDan
    My thoughts exactly. It'd be a fun little review to watch and dissect were he to sit through the GBA Sonic game.

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  7. No, get him Sonic Labyrinth for the Sega Game Gear. That's one I've been requesting the Nerd to review for a while, but I'd just love to see the Irate Gamer spend eight minutes bitching about how Sonic is slow istead of talking about the crappy gameplay.

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  8. Oh yeah, I've completely forgotten about Sonic Labyrinth. Good ol' sluggish nut-crunching Sonic fun. Perfect for Chris.

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  9. Other reviewers who wear button-down shirts? Easy: AVGN and HVGN.

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  10. No! Sonic's Schoolhouse!

    (Probably'll teach him how to enunciate)

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  11. Another piece of fail:

    "Back in the early 90s, Sega released the Genesis..."

    Yeah, everyone talks about the second part of that quote, but the Genesis wasn't even released in the early 90s. It was released in 1989 (1988 in Japan.)

    I guess this could classify as a mistake as well:

    "Nintendo had Mario as a mascot, and Sega had Sonic."

    Except Sega's initial mascot was Alex Kidd, then it was Michael Jackson, and then it was Sonic.

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  12. @Anon (February 24th 9:34 PM)

    Bores always messes up the time-stamp for when something was popular or released. Like when he said Jaws was popular in the early 80s, even though the only movie then was Jaws 3-D and it blew ass.

    The Mega Drive was released in Japan in 1988 to compete with the NEC PC Engine (TurboGrafx-16 over here) which in turn was competing with the Famicom.
    Over in the states, the Genesis was released to compete with the NES while the TG-16 came around the same time.
    Don't forget that Bores claims he was right about the Genesis coming out after the SNES so that makes it even worse.

    And yeah, it was Alex Kidd that was the original mascot. Though I don't remember Michael Jackson ever being an official Sega Mascot.

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  13. SuperGgangsta said in one of their videos that AVGN ripped off the Irate Gamer by using the same facts from the Bores' ROB review and used it in his NES Accessories review. I'm getting the feeling that irate gamer fanboys think that YouTube is the only place for information.

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    Replies
    1. I've actually reported that video and some of their others for various breaches of policy. They're clearly too young and too stupid to understand what they're doing on there. Usually I wouldn't bother and just allow them to delude themselves, but these are little boys. They deserve a chance to be taken down and disciplined before they become another Jessi Slaughter example.

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  14. As far as a shitty Sonic game, how about Sonic Jam on the Game.com? Sonic's even slower in that than he was in Sonic Labyrinth!

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  15. quote from BatDan:

    "Dude ROB was the sole reason the NES succeeded in North America".

    So The NES wouldnt be able to succed on its own?, that kinda of an insult men dont you think, no offence.

    Yes there was the Video Game Crash, but i think what helped the NES is to marketing as a Entertaiment system and changes his top-loading design for the Toaster.

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  16. Okay, "sole reason" was a bit strong.
    But it was one of the main reasons they were able to sell the system in America.

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  17. Since ROB was created to "trick" American stores into seeing it as a toy instead of a video game system, the NES would've had a hard time catching on there without it, yes. Things that stores refuse to stock generally don't sell well.

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  18. Actually, it is true that he was working on that ROB the Robot review a few months before the AVGN's NES Accessories review, surprisingly enough. If you look on his website, he has information on the review dating back to, if I remember correctly (There's no way I'm going back to his site to check), four or five months before the review.

    This is a consistent problem with Bores- his reviews are bad enough as it is, but it takes him SO LONG to produce one single review. He's either a really slow worker, or a big procrastinator (My money's on the latter).

    It gets even worse when you realize that it takes him about two or three months on average to produce a dinky little 6-minute review. To compare, TheSpoonyOne takes about that much time to produce a video over thirty minutes, and the Nostalgia Critic produces a twenty-minute video every week, as well as other material from time to time.

    Either Bores really is putting a lot of work into his reviews, or he just really doesn't care. Either way, the outcome is sad.

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  19. Wow, his R.O.B. review absolutely sucked. The Nerd's review of R.O.B. was so much better and a lot more epic!

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  20. So Batdan, what'd you think of the Nerd's ROB review?

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