*sighs* This next one is bad, I’m not even kidding when I say it can cause cancer. Realizing people are on to his bullshit he releases a video that pretty much cements him as a fraud. His review of Super Mario Bros. 2 on the NES. Hold on, Super Mario Bros. 2 was a good game. Sure we learned it was just a re-skinned version of “Doki Doki Panic” because the original Mario 2 was too hard for Western Audiences. How could anyone bash it? *breathes in* Let’s just get this over with.
Addendum: Chris Bores titled this “The Scandal” and notes in the description he reviews over 5 games. Now you know this is going to suck.
Intro: This is the first episode to have his “theme song” which is just a public domain piece overlapping game footage and Chris Bores being wacky. I guess he couldn’t find a guitar guy to write him a theme *slaps* Damn it I wasn’t going to do that.
0:47 – 0:54: “You think I’m going to sit here and attack Mario 2, but before you send your hate mail just hear me out” Too fucking late buddy.
0:55 – 1:00: “Now I don’t hate Mario 2, but when compared to other Mario games it just has Ass written all over it.” *shakes head* You obviously don’t know a bad Mario game you prick, also when he says “Ass written all over it” he covers the cartridge image with the word “ass” in many different fonts. Is that a joke or something?
1:01 – 1:12: “This is nothing like the previous Mario games.” Dude there were only two Mario games before this one. Mario Bros. in the Arcades and Super Mario Bros. There’s no fair comparison you douche. Then he begins bitching that this game doesn’t have “? Boxes, Goombas, Turtles (Koopa Troopas dumbass), and the final boss isn’t King Koopa (this isn’t Japan GAH).” Honestly how does this detract from the game’s quality?
1:13 – 1:29: Now he’s bitching that the enemies are too different and cites Shy Guys, Snifits, and Bob-ombs as “oddball.” Hey stupid, many of these enemies return in future games so shut up. Now he’s complaining that the final boss is Wart and not Bowser, so by that logic Super Mario RPG is a bad game because Smithy is the final boss? How long is this review? ALMOST 10 MINUTES? I’m not going to live through this.
1:46 – 1:49: After listing what the characters can do he notes that Toad (who he calls Toadstool for some reason) is worthless. Are you shitting me? Toad is the fastest and strongest in the game; his weakness is his jump ability.
2:10 – 2:26: He notes that the game is Single-Player unlike the first (STOP COMPARING THEM) and does a “joke” where a clone of Bores comes out (using a split-screen effect) asking to play and getting rejected. I swear you have to put effort into being this unfunny.
2:27 – 3:01: He begins to bitch about the health in the game being unfair in that you only get two units and killing enemies is the only way to replenish health. Good God just be glad you HAVE health. He’s just reaching for things to bitch about now. Oh and he compares it to the first game AGAIN!
3:02 – 3:49: He begins to complain about the Invincibility Star being different from the original (I swear I will shiv him) and notes that once it appears it’s really really slow. Let me say something, look at the grass near Peach when the star appears. It’s much slower then usual… how could that be? That’s right he edited the footage to make the game look bad. Is he that committed to have zombie fans on his side hanging on his every word like gospel? This scene gets worse when he comments “I can take a shit faster then this” and then goes to the bathroom. WHERE’S THE JOKE?
4:17 – 4:44: Now he starts a diatribe on the multiple Birdos you fight (he doesn’t even call them Birdo) and ends that rant with a green-screen effect of Bores punching a Birdo while screaming “Get Over Here!” Feel that? That’s the brain cancer developing.
5:01 – 5:17: After beating Wart (those Game Genie codes sure are handy) he complains about the whole game being a dream and says “This game fucking sucks, compared to the other Mario games it’s the worst one of the bunch.” *Cold stare of death* Go play Hotel Mario, Mario Clash, any educational Mario game, or the later Mario Party games and TELL ME this one is the worst. Because of that sentence you have lost all credibility. LATE EDIT (7/21/09): Note at the 55 Second mark he says "I don't hate Mario 2" and yet he rants that Mario 2 sucks and is the worst Mario game ever. You know, IG constantly bitches about a game's story not making sense and yet he can't even proofread his shitty scripts to find inconsistencies. If you think this plothole is bad it only gets worse.
5:40 – 5:53: He explains Super Mario All Stars and sees a game called “Super Mario Bros. The Lost Levels” and begins to question what they are and where they found them (Shigeru Miyamoto hid them from you because he can see 20 years in the future and can tell you’re a fucking douchebag).
6:07: “(All the same) Power-Up Items.” He says this as a Poison Mushroom appears.
6:10: “This game here is the perfect predecessor to the first Mario game” HAHAHAHAHAH. Oh wow he is retarded. How can the second game come out before the first? His mother must be so proud of him.
6:21 – 6:27: He begins to question where the American SMB2 came from noting “Games just don’t come out of thin air” and the game jump-cuts into his hand. *looks around* Damn not even the crickets liked that one.
6:28 – 6:37: Now he’s calling the game a “mystery” and “did some research” to reveal a “discovery” that would “flip some shit.” UGH EVERYONE KNOWS THIS! IT’S NOT A BIG SECRET! IT’S BEEN KNOWN FOR YEARS! AAAAAAAAHHHH *static* Please enjoy this repeat of the classic sitcom Cheers.
6:38 – 7:37: He starts talking about Doki Doki Panic and that Mario 2 stole everything from it. It’s not a rip-off you fuck; Shigeru Miyamoto worked on DDP and liked the idea of the American Mario 2 using the engine. If you seriously did your research you wouldn’t call Mario 2 a rip-off.
7:38 – 7:52: Now he compares DDP with Mario 2 but starts this diatribe with “They did change a few things from the original.” Noting that Mario 2 came first not DDP. Doesn’t that contradict what you said and WHAT REALLY HAPPENED AAHAAHFHDSFSDF *static* Oh dear this will take a while. Enjoy an episode of All in the Family while you wait.
7:56: “These two games should have nothing to do with each other.” Like I said, Shigeru Miyamoto created Mario and he developed Doki Doki Panic. If you were a true gamer you would know this.
8:00 – 8:08: WILL THE TORTURE END? First quote “It’s unclear as to why they copied it in the first place” *holds the anger in.* “But many have speculated that the real Mario 2 game was too much like the first one.” YOU MOTHERFUCKER I WILL SKIN YOU ALIVE! First of all, the real Mario 2 was much harder then the first (sadistic in fact) and because of this Miyamoto suggested they use DDP as a substitute. Also, you complained Super Mario Bros 2 is really hard but didn’t mention the difficulty in The Lost Levels (which is 50 times harder in every aspect). If you really were an old-school gamer you wouldn’t show this moronic bias.
8:08 – 8:14: Showing off his effects, he uses the split-screen to “clone” himself and make a terrible joke. It’s almost over IT’S ALMOST OVER!
8:15 – 8:52: You’re not going to believe when I say this but he starts talking about the GBA version of SMB2 and complimenting it on things that don’t matter at all BECAUSE IT’S THE SAME FUCKING GAME YOU ASS! RAPE THE INNOCENT! *static* Good lord he won’t stop. How bad is this episode anyway? *watches it, takes out gun, and shoots head* Damn, even the technical difficulties guy can’t stand this review.
The review ends with the IG clone revealing he is “evil” and is about to kill Bores. So IG grabs a bouquet of flowers to “power-up” (ugh) and kills the clone with another bad special effect. But it’s not over yet, the clone ends up in “Hell” where Bores in his devil costume from Ghosts N Goblins (are you shitting me) appears to make Other Bores his minion. So he says he’ll get IG and screams (though it sounds like he’s about to eat a big burger).
I would note on what we learned, but really this review pissed me off that this joke can’t even happen, and the worst thing about this video is that it’s his second most viewed. I really hoped he was a huge troll against the game reviewing community but since he’s a YouTube Partner and was invited to E3 (which he went to that fat fuck) the “Troll Theory” is impossible.
Next time we’ll dissect his review of MUSCLE on the NES. I need to go punch a wall really hard.