Monday, July 20, 2009

Super Mario Bros 2 AKA GIVE ME VIEWS!!!!

*sighs* This next one is bad, I’m not even kidding when I say it can cause cancer. Realizing people are on to his bullshit he releases a video that pretty much cements him as a fraud. His review of Super Mario Bros. 2 on the NES. Hold on, Super Mario Bros. 2 was a good game. Sure we learned it was just a re-skinned version of “Doki Doki Panic” because the original Mario 2 was too hard for Western Audiences. How could anyone bash it? *breathes in* Let’s just get this over with.

Addendum: Chris Bores titled this “The Scandal” and notes in the description he reviews over 5 games. Now you know this is going to suck.

Intro: This is the first episode to have his “theme song” which is just a public domain piece overlapping game footage and Chris Bores being wacky. I guess he couldn’t find a guitar guy to write him a theme *slaps* Damn it I wasn’t going to do that.

0:47 – 0:54: “You think I’m going to sit here and attack Mario 2, but before you send your hate mail just hear me out” Too fucking late buddy.

0:55 – 1:00: “Now I don’t hate Mario 2, but when compared to other Mario games it just has Ass written all over it.” *shakes head* You obviously don’t know a bad Mario game you prick, also when he says “Ass written all over it” he covers the cartridge image with the word “ass” in many different fonts. Is that a joke or something?

1:01 – 1:12: “This is nothing like the previous Mario games.” Dude there were only two Mario games before this one. Mario Bros. in the Arcades and Super Mario Bros. There’s no fair comparison you douche. Then he begins bitching that this game doesn’t have “? Boxes, Goombas, Turtles (Koopa Troopas dumbass), and the final boss isn’t King Koopa (this isn’t Japan GAH).” Honestly how does this detract from the game’s quality?

1:13 – 1:29: Now he’s bitching that the enemies are too different and cites Shy Guys, Snifits, and Bob-ombs as “oddball.” Hey stupid, many of these enemies return in future games so shut up. Now he’s complaining that the final boss is Wart and not Bowser, so by that logic Super Mario RPG is a bad game because Smithy is the final boss? How long is this review? ALMOST 10 MINUTES? I’m not going to live through this.

1:46 – 1:49: After listing what the characters can do he notes that Toad (who he calls Toadstool for some reason) is worthless. Are you shitting me? Toad is the fastest and strongest in the game; his weakness is his jump ability.

2:10 – 2:26: He notes that the game is Single-Player unlike the first (STOP COMPARING THEM) and does a “joke” where a clone of Bores comes out (using a split-screen effect) asking to play and getting rejected. I swear you have to put effort into being this unfunny.

2:27 – 3:01: He begins to bitch about the health in the game being unfair in that you only get two units and killing enemies is the only way to replenish health. Good God just be glad you HAVE health. He’s just reaching for things to bitch about now. Oh and he compares it to the first game AGAIN!

3:02 – 3:49: He begins to complain about the Invincibility Star being different from the original (I swear I will shiv him) and notes that once it appears it’s really really slow. Let me say something, look at the grass near Peach when the star appears. It’s much slower then usual… how could that be? That’s right he edited the footage to make the game look bad. Is he that committed to have zombie fans on his side hanging on his every word like gospel? This scene gets worse when he comments “I can take a shit faster then this” and then goes to the bathroom. WHERE’S THE JOKE?

4:17 – 4:44: Now he starts a diatribe on the multiple Birdos you fight (he doesn’t even call them Birdo) and ends that rant with a green-screen effect of Bores punching a Birdo while screaming “Get Over Here!” Feel that? That’s the brain cancer developing.

5:01 – 5:17: After beating Wart (those Game Genie codes sure are handy) he complains about the whole game being a dream and says “This game fucking sucks, compared to the other Mario games it’s the worst one of the bunch.” *Cold stare of death* Go play Hotel Mario, Mario Clash, any educational Mario game, or the later Mario Party games and TELL ME this one is the worst. Because of that sentence you have lost all credibility. LATE EDIT (7/21/09): Note at the 55 Second mark he says "I don't hate Mario 2" and yet he rants that Mario 2 sucks and is the worst Mario game ever. You know, IG constantly bitches about a game's story not making sense and yet he can't even proofread his shitty scripts to find inconsistencies. If you think this plothole is bad it only gets worse.

5:40 – 5:53: He explains Super Mario All Stars and sees a game called “Super Mario Bros. The Lost Levels” and begins to question what they are and where they found them (Shigeru Miyamoto hid them from you because he can see 20 years in the future and can tell you’re a fucking douchebag).

6:07: “(All the same) Power-Up Items.” He says this as a Poison Mushroom appears.

6:10: “This game here is the perfect predecessor to the first Mario game” HAHAHAHAHAH. Oh wow he is retarded. How can the second game come out before the first? His mother must be so proud of him.

6:21 – 6:27: He begins to question where the American SMB2 came from noting “Games just don’t come out of thin air” and the game jump-cuts into his hand. *looks around* Damn not even the crickets liked that one.

6:28 – 6:37: Now he’s calling the game a “mystery” and “did some research” to reveal a “discovery” that would “flip some shit.” UGH EVERYONE KNOWS THIS! IT’S NOT A BIG SECRET! IT’S BEEN KNOWN FOR YEARS! AAAAAAAAHHHH *static* Please enjoy this repeat of the classic sitcom Cheers.

6:38 – 7:37: He starts talking about Doki Doki Panic and that Mario 2 stole everything from it. It’s not a rip-off you fuck; Shigeru Miyamoto worked on DDP and liked the idea of the American Mario 2 using the engine. If you seriously did your research you wouldn’t call Mario 2 a rip-off.

7:38 – 7:52: Now he compares DDP with Mario 2 but starts this diatribe with “They did change a few things from the original.” Noting that Mario 2 came first not DDP. Doesn’t that contradict what you said and WHAT REALLY HAPPENED AAHAAHFHDSFSDF *static* Oh dear this will take a while. Enjoy an episode of All in the Family while you wait.

7:56: “These two games should have nothing to do with each other.” Like I said, Shigeru Miyamoto created Mario and he developed Doki Doki Panic. If you were a true gamer you would know this.

8:00 – 8:08: WILL THE TORTURE END? First quote “It’s unclear as to why they copied it in the first place” *holds the anger in.* “But many have speculated that the real Mario 2 game was too much like the first one.” YOU MOTHERFUCKER I WILL SKIN YOU ALIVE! First of all, the real Mario 2 was much harder then the first (sadistic in fact) and because of this Miyamoto suggested they use DDP as a substitute. Also, you complained Super Mario Bros 2 is really hard but didn’t mention the difficulty in The Lost Levels (which is 50 times harder in every aspect). If you really were an old-school gamer you wouldn’t show this moronic bias.

8:08 – 8:14: Showing off his effects, he uses the split-screen to “clone” himself and make a terrible joke. It’s almost over IT’S ALMOST OVER!

8:15 – 8:52: You’re not going to believe when I say this but he starts talking about the GBA version of SMB2 and complimenting it on things that don’t matter at all BECAUSE IT’S THE SAME FUCKING GAME YOU ASS! RAPE THE INNOCENT! *static* Good lord he won’t stop. How bad is this episode anyway? *watches it, takes out gun, and shoots head* Damn, even the technical difficulties guy can’t stand this review.

The review ends with the IG clone revealing he is “evil” and is about to kill Bores. So IG grabs a bouquet of flowers to “power-up” (ugh) and kills the clone with another bad special effect. But it’s not over yet, the clone ends up in “Hell” where Bores in his devil costume from Ghosts N Goblins (are you shitting me) appears to make Other Bores his minion. So he says he’ll get IG and screams (though it sounds like he’s about to eat a big burger).

I would note on what we learned, but really this review pissed me off that this joke can’t even happen, and the worst thing about this video is that it’s his second most viewed. I really hoped he was a huge troll against the game reviewing community but since he’s a YouTube Partner and was invited to E3 (which he went to that fat fuck) the “Troll Theory” is impossible.

Next time we’ll dissect his review of MUSCLE on the NES. I need to go punch a wall really hard.

24 comments:

  1. I loved Super Mario Bros 2, and he had to say shit about it?! I hope you aren't eating right now.

    I would rather have a key shoved up my ass so that Phanto would continually bite at it, while my face is pressed into Wart's pimply, smelly, warty ass as he squirts liquid shit from all those vegetables he chocked down my mouth, as Birdo sucks my dick and Pidgets, Tweeters, Ostros, Albatosses, Mouser, Triclyde, and Fryguy constantly dropping Bob-ombs, fireballs, and bird shit all over me in a hailstorm...

    (gaaaaaaaaaaaasp)

    THAN TO EVER WATCH THE IRATE LAMER'S HORRIBLE EXCUSE OF VIDEO DATA EVER AGAIN FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    You are welcome.

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    Replies
    1. Oh, how I LOVE people who overreact on things that already get enough hate. NOT. I don't mind Bores, and also, if you don't like something, ignore it and don't go on a hissy fit aboutit.

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  2. Three more things:

    1. Bores complains about there being a door in the sky at the beginning of the game. I haven't played Mario 2 in a while, but I think that was explained by the story at the beginning. I could be wrong, and maybe somebody else could help me here. (It could have something to do with the whole game being a dream, which explains the lack of canon with other Mario games.)

    2. He also says that Shy Guys and Ba-Bombs are "goofy" and "oddball." Oh yeah, walking mushrooms and bullets with faces: nothing weird about those. Little dudes wearing masks and walking bombs? THAT'S JUST TOO FUCKING BIZARRE! I HATE THIS GAME! WHY CAN'T THEY NEVER ADD NEW ENEMIES?!

    3. He also deliberately jumps into a Pokey to make it seem harder than it is, rather than picking things up and throwing them at it to make it shrink.

    The verdict: Bores is a colossal failure.

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  3. Response to 1: They do explain the story at the title screen, just wait a bit and it will show up.
    The story talks about Mario dreaming, finding a staircase leading to a door and going into another world. There was no reason for Bores to flip out over the game being a dream.

    Response to 2: Turtles throwing hammers? Completely normal. Walking Cacti? FUCK YOU NINTENDO!
    That really irritated me since most of the enemies in SMB2 quickly became Mario staples.

    Response to 3: He tried running through the cactus instead of trying to avoid the Pokey.

    And yes Bores is a colossal failure.

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  4. Stray thought occurred to me just after I posted a comment on that Robocop review thing mere minutes, because that's what happens when I comment on crap...

    ...by which I mean the video being summarized and not your insightful commentary, which is top-notch by the way.

    Now I've never played Doki Doki Panic before so feel free to correct me if I got any of this wrong, but I seem to recall reading somewhere that that game had a save feature (due to it being a Famicom Disk game) and said feature was removed when the conversion to SMB2 was done. And I also seem to recall that our SMB2 was later re-released in Japan as Super Mario USA.

    Now I could be wrong on the above, but if any of what I said is accurate, then I wonder why Irate Wiki didn't mention this. All of that would have been worth five minutes of padding right there.

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  5. I'm not sure if you could save in DDP but I do know he could have padded with background info.

    Like how the game was made for a cross-promotion event with Fuji TV or the original characters were the event's mascots.

    And yes, Japan did get our SMB2 as Super Mario USA. In fact Shigeru Miyamoto focused more on DDP then the real Mario 2.

    And to add even more padding, he could have mentioned the translated title "Heart-Pounding Panic" or "Dream Factory: Heart-Pounding Panic"

    I'm still on the fence to what his worst review is.

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  6. I've played DDP a long time ago and after doing a bit of research to refresh my memory, I can confirm that DDP did have a save feature - one save per character in fact, which meant that you couldn't swap characters between levels like you could in SMB2. If you picked a character, you were stuck with that character for the duration of the game.

    From what I remember playing the game, there were a couple other changes. For example, you couldn't run in DDP by holding down the B button - they added that in SMB2.

    Also, characters didn't shrink in DDP when they were down to one hit point - that was altered in SMB2. It always puzzled me as to why the shrunken down characters seemed like they were cut in half for some odd reason, when I learned about DDP, it all made sense.

    The Mushroom Kingdom site has a good guide on the differences between the two games. Here's the link if anyone wants to check it out.

    http://themushroomkingdom.net/smb2_ddp.shtml

    And since I'm on the subject, I'd like to point out that re-watching the video and looking at said page, I've noticed IG fucked up on the characters.

    In the video, IG showed the gameplay characters of and renamed them (in order of appearance):

    Papa = Mario
    Mama = Luigi
    Sister Lina = Princess
    Son Imajin = "Worthless" Toad

    He fucked up because Papa was actually turned into TOAD while Son was turned into MARIO. In fact, if you watch the clip where Son is picking up the key, you'll note that he's picking it up rather slowly - more like average speed. Now, it's been awhile since I've played Mario 2 (or Mario Advance), but isn't Toad supposed to pick things up super-fast? I don't know about you, but that ain't super-fast picking up the key.

    Not enough research, methinks.

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  7. Also, re-watching the video again for a side project I'm doing, I've noticed that when he says that SMB was packaged in each Nintendo system (around 0:25-0:27 - I don't care to be accurate quite honestly, somewhere around there), note that he mispronounces the word "mainly" by saying "manly" during this line. As in:

    "...that could be *manly* because they packaged each Nintendo system with the game, Super Mario Bros."

    I'm surprised that this hasn't popped up sooner.

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  8. Two years ago, before the creation of this blog or any knowledge of the Irate Gamer, I saw a video on YouTube titled "Mario 2: The Scandal and Review." It caught my attention, so I clicked on it and here was this guy with a boring montone saying nitpicky things about Mario 2. When I got to the part where he says "This game is the perfect predecessor to the first Mario game", I actually paused the video and yelled "What is wrong with this guy?!"

    After the video ended, I just concluded the guy was a douche. Two years later, I'm sad to see his popularity has grown but his talent hasn't.

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  9. That was his first featured video. YouTube considered that sick joke good enough to feature on the front page.

    It's good to know that two years ago people could still see he was a douche, before he became popular.

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  10. But he STILL became popular. That's the problem.

    Now that I think about it, the reason why they picked Irate Lamer as a partner is the same reason they have Fred as a partner: because Youtube is made by idiots for idiots.
    Ah-duuuuuuuuuuuurrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!

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  11. On the way to Hell, they passed a Dig Dug gameplay. Relevance?

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  12. @Anon (December 26th 11:36 AM)
    None whatsoever. He put it in there because he could.

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  13. God, this video has so many flaws, I keep noticing new ones:

    1. He says the maps look the same in the Japanese Mario 2. No, that would mean Mario 2 would have the same layout as Mario 1, and that would defeat the purpose of playing a sequel.

    2. When playing Super Mario All Stars, you can see he's holding an NES controller. Gotta love those emulators.

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  14. @Anon (February 10th 3:38 PM)
    It's stunning how poorly-made that video was.

    In response to #1: Who calls the levels "maps" anyway? In fact, wasn't one of the reasons that Western Audiences didn't get the original SMB 2 was due to the game being too similar? Bores you're a fucking moron.

    In response to #2: Yeah, I noticed that recently. It's like he makes one final product and doesn't look over it for mistakes.

    Another mistake I noticed was in the final scene between Bores and Other Bores. Other Bores is pointing a zapper at him, Bores gets his "flower power" and before he "kills" him, Other Bores is no longer holding the Zapper.

    Didn't they test this video before they released it?

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  15. I noticed on their list of "Top 10 Worst Mario Games", ScrewAttack posted SMB2 (American version) at #9... is that why the Bores trashed it, or did their list come after the Bores' "Scandal and Review" of the game?

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  16. Actually, IG's review came out first.
    IG's Super Mario Bros. 2 review: August 7th 2007
    ScrewAttack's Top Ten Worst Mario Games: August 14th 2007

    Still, idiot move on Craig and Tom's part to include it.

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    Replies
    1. To be fair, that still means they regarded eight Mario games to be worse than Mario 2.

      Delete
  17. Wow... so the ScrewAttack list came exactly a week after the Bores' review. Makes me wonder if IG brainwashed Craig and Tom into putting that game on their list.

    And if so, GOD FUCKING DAMN YOU, CHRIS BORES!!!! >:-(

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  18. Cheers and All in the Family are good shit.

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  19. Wait, the later Mario Party games are pretty good.

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  20. I remember seeing the "take a shit" joke the first time and having the exact same reaction - where's the joke? Obviously it's implied that he went to take a shit while the star was falling at an eighth of the speed that it actually would, but he didn't follow it up in any way. He just went into the bathroom, then you heard the toilet flush and he came back into the room and continued the review. How can you fuck up a toilet joke for crying out loud? Not even a fart sound or "I'll give that ten minutes" or anything. Like you said, it's actually harder to make this lack humour than it would be to make it funny.

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  21. Wow a bunch of Mario fanboys here, that's for sure. I thought Bores review was pretty spot on. SMB2 was retarded. You can jump on an enemy but it doesn't kill them, yet they just walk around with you standing on their heads all like tra-la-la, until you pick them up and toss them around like an old piece of shit SMB2 cartridge, like WTF? And then there's the boring ass mid-bosses, or should I say boss, since it is the exact same fucking pink lizard that spits eggs at you in every world! Real lack of creativity there, but then that's probably because the game was just Doki Doki Panic with a facelift and the Mario name slapped on it so it would sell, cuz I doubt anyone in the USA would have given two shits about this game otherwise. Let's see, what else...lack of a 2 player game option, no point system, no timer so you can just leave the game on for a week and come back and Mario will still be standing there as long as no enemies are in the area, the powerups all suck, running around to grab 5 cherries and then having to wait for the starman to slowly float up from below the screen is annoying, not to mention you get it at points you don't really need it, so it's essentially a useless item in this game. The way the screen scrolls from room to room in certain areas while everything freezes for a second is annoying too. Basically this was just Nintendo being fucking lazy. Had they taken the real Super Mario Bros. 2 from the Famicom Disk System and ported it with the name SMB: Expert Edition, that would have been better as it is the better game. But anyway, all the old NES and SNES Mario platformers suck anyway, at least the Sonic games all have more originality and creativity in level designs and bosses. Sonic actually has to grab bubbles underwater to breathe whereas Mario's fat guido ass can just be underwater forever from apparently inhaling his own farts. Sonic just has more variety. Anyway fuck Mario and all you guido fanboys. Nintendo sucks.

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  22. I guess Boresy changed his mind about Bob-omb being stupid, since he wears a shirt with that enemy on it in another video

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