Wednesday, July 22, 2009

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles AKA Facepalm Central

Let me clear a few things up before this breakdown begins. Bores’ letter to James Rolfe became public knowledge a week or so before this review, the comments in his e-mail and the following review have shown his critics that he is a lying hack in every sense of the word.

Second, the AVGN reviewed the first Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles game on the NES. It’s one of his most popular reviews and his second most viewed video on his YouTube account (behind a Top 10 List of the Best Jackie Chan Stunts so it’s the top viewed Nerd video). So why am I bringing this up?

Grab a slice of pizza and let’s analyze the Irate Gamer’s Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles review.

0:20 – 0:33: He begins the review showing the intro to the TMNT Arcade game with the TV show’s theme playing and then the Arcade Select Screen shows up but instead of the Turtles it’s Chris Bores in different colored shirts. I think he was trying to make a title card but no one would try fan art of him, at least positive fan art.

0:48 – 1:02: IG comments the best part of the game is the 4-Player co-op, the way he says it makes me believe Bores thinks this game was the first to do that. Gauntlet did that ages before the Ninja Turtles existence (at least animated existence). Though I’m probably misconstruing his horrible monotone voice and bad acting, could be either one.

1:31: “Hell if every game was like this one, I’d be out of the job.” I’m trying to figure out if that’s a joke. It can’t be since it lacks any humor or charm.

1:35 – 1:39: “A few months later, they decided to release a Ninja Turtles game for the Nintendo system.” No NO NO! The NES Ninja Turtles came out BEFORE the Arcade game which is why the gameplay is very different from the future Arcade-Style installments.

1:52 – 2:02: Bores starts his review of the NES game and is run over by a steamroller in which he responds “5 Seconds, must be some kind of record.” A HA HA HA HA HA HA HA wait that’s not funny at all.

2:49 – 2:56: After noting the Turtles all have different weapons and how Michelangelo and Raphael are worthless he does an unconvincing “anger shot” trying to beat a Fire Dude with Raph and when he dies he throws the controller and flips off the TV. First off, the way he’s playing is so fake, he’s purposely walking into the enemy and intentionally dying. Second, the way he’s button-mashing the controller does NOT match up with the screen. Why is that? Well Chris Bores always uses emulators for his game footage and it never matches up.

Wait, if he always uses emulators then why does he complain about a game being “impossible” and unable to beat it without giving up or cheating? Emulators have Save States making it possible to save in a tough spot, reload and try again. God this man is such a fraud.

3:25 – 3:33: After Bores comments on the lame boss fights including beating Bebop in a corner and the Rocksteady trick with Donatello (For a man who claims to be a big Ninja Turtles fan he doesn’t use their names, I’m not a big fan and I know their names. GOD) he’s now standing on a rooftop and… I’m not kidding when he says this “Jump from the wrong place, and you’ll fall to your death.” How? How could you consider that a legitimate statement? That’s the same as saying “Swing your sword in the wrong direction, and you’ll miss your enemy” or “Shoot in the wrong place, and you’ll miss your target” IT’S FUCKING OBVIOUS YOU FAT SACK OF DSF;jkldsfjl; skdlfj;laere *static* We need 10CCs of Resident Evil 4 STAT!

*1 minute of boring rants and blatant plagiarism later*

I thought you were dead Tech Guy? I got better. Oh I’m back on.

4:26 – 4:39: IG reaches the infamous room with the spiked walls and pizza. Now I’ve been avoiding most of the direct lines from The Nerd’s review but this needs extra notice. He uses a spotlight effect to point out the Pizza (just like The Nerd) and questions who thought this would be a good idea (JUST LIKE THE NERD) oh and he ends this bitching with the line “What a bunch of AssBurgers with a side of fries!” Not only is this horribly unfunny but if taken in the wrong context insulting to people with Asperger Syndrome.

5:20 – 5:38: After doing a boring rant about the underwater stage he gets to the section with almost all seaweed. It looks like he’s intentionally swimming into the seaweed instead of trying to avoid it. Well this isn’t the first time Chris Bores has made a game look worse then it really is.

5:39 – 5:55: He does another “anger” shot where he moves the controller around like he’s dancing, and after dying he takes the game out of the NES (note that it’s not pushed down when he opens the dust cover) and bites it in half (what?), spits one half out, and throws the green screened other half away while exclaiming “What a piece of cowabunga sheeit!” Yes that’s how he pronounces shit.

5:56: “I’m not sure if the backlash to this game was overwhelming or not.” Dude, it’s the first ever Ninja Turtles game. Made during a period where games like Ninja Gaiden, Contra, and Castlevania were normal fare and the kids really didn’t care.

6:01 – 6:11: IG notes there was a sequel made and it’s based off the Arcade Game (or as he puts it “Straight from Video Game Greatness” I wouldn’t trust what this guy thinks is a good game as you’re about to see). He states that this is what they should have done from the start… DUDE THE ARCADE GAME CAME AFTER THE FUCKING NES GAME YOU’RE A FRAUD YOU BUTT PIRATE DRINKER OF *static* It’s a good thing we’re over half-way through.

6:12: He puts the game in the NES but does it wrong. He doesn’t push it down and it kind of looks like he doesn’t push it in all the way. For someone who claims these videos take hours to produce you could at least do more then one take on your camera work.

6:16 – 6:23: He sees the first screen of TMNT II and … really? IG begins bitching that it’s a pixilated nightmare that looks nothing like the original version. Warning to the readers, Daniel here is going to go on a tirade of Greek God proportions. You have been warned.

6:24 – 6:39: “And to bring it to the NES, they had to strip it of every cool feature. Flashy Intro: GONE. Cool Graphics: GONE. 4-Player Mode: GONE. Oh come on that was the best feature.” *stares mouth agape* There’s no way, there’s no way anyone can be this stupid. First off, who cares about a flashy intro? Nobody plays games just for the intro. How does this detract from the game’s quality? Now the graphics are NOT going to be exactly like the Arcade Version because THIS IS AN 8-BIT CONSOLE! This is like comparing an Atari 2600 to a Nintendo 64; it’s completely unfair and deserves no comparison. While the lack of 4-Player mode is troubling, the NES has TWO CONTROLLER PORTS! While there does exist a multi-tap very few games utilized it and TMNT II wasn’t one of them. Before you credit yourself as a gamer at least know the difference between an Arcade Machine and a home console.

6:58 – 7:02: “Your turtle can only punch, kick, and dropkick.” Except for when you press both the A and B buttons allowing the use of a Special Move.

7:06 – 7:22: “After you die, that’s it Game Over.” My God don’t point out flaws that people can see are false. You start with 2 lives (which is technically 3 if you count “0”) and you can see that AT THE TOP OF THE SCREEN! IG mentions you get 3 continues but you start at the beginning of the level instead of exactly where you left off. I’m sorry, but with the Arcade Version you have Infinite Continues as long as you have plenty of quarters and you pay to start right where you left off. This is a console game, you don’t have to pay 25 Cents for a continue so there will be sacrifices.

7:22 – 7:39: Bores points out the Pizza Hut logos all over the place and is annoyed by it since he thinks it serves no purpose. God even Wikipedia has the answer to this, every copy of the game came with a coupon to Pizza Hut for a free pizza. If you have been playing these games for 20 years YOU WOULD KNOW THIS!

7:39 – 8:07: He points out how people praise the game’s additional two levels but bashes them because “they suck.” For the love of … the two levels were added so people can get more out of the game because video games are meant to be played. Oh and here’s the beautiful part “If only they used the extra space to make it closer to the Arcade version.” You know, if TMNT Arcade became a human with a foot-long cock then Bores would get down on that faster then his paycheck from YouTube.

8:08 – 8:31: IG gives his final words on TMNT II The Arcade Game citing it as “Boring and Stupid” (I hope you suffer a long painful head wound) and he ends this review (not the video though) by dying and screaming “I’LL SHOW YOU SHELL SHOCKED” then taking the game out, putting it on the ground, grabbing some Electric Clamps (what), puts them on the game, and does his lame explosion effect to jump-cut the game out of shot. Why? This game was great! Just because it’s not as pretty as your wet dream doesn’t mean it’s bad.

8:32 – 9:04: “After releasing two shitty games” What is wrong with you? Oh right, this segues into TMNT III: The Manhattan Project. See the time listed? That’s the amount of time given to this game. There is no possible way this qualifies as a review. What does he talk about? I really don’t care, if he didn’t care about reviewing this game why should I?

9:15 – 9:21: He begins his review of Turtles in Time and “Released only on the Super Nintendo” *stares in silence* FFFFFFFF Due to the graphic nature of this rant, the next 20 minutes will be replaced by cute kitties. Enjoy.

*20 Minutes Later* AND THAT’S AFTER YOU’RE SKULLFUCKED BY THE TICK! Oh we’re back on? Let’s just keep going.

9:33 – 9:42: “My only complaint is that there’s no 4-Player mode, but with a game this great who cares?” So you hate TMNT II for NOT having 4-Player but you don’t care that Turtles in Time only allows 2 players? You know there’s so many things wrong with this but this is getting long already so I’ll “Too bad it took 3 tries for them to get it right” MOVING ON YOU DUMB FUCK!

9:59 – 10:04: “It’s unclear as to why they only released Turtles in Time on the Super Nintendo.” *sighs* Turtles in Time was in the Arcades and is also the official sequel to TMNT Arcade. There was a Genesis version called Hyperstone Heist that takes many elements from Turtles in Time. The game can also be found in the PS2/Xbox/Gamecube game Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 3: Mutant Nightmare (based off the 2003 animated series). I’d mention the upcoming remake but that wasn’t announced at the time of this video so I’ll let that slide.

So the review finally ends. What happens? Well IG is in another weird wide-angle shot when a barrel rolls by… what? He sees this and notes “I gotta go, I have to play me some Donkey Kong” What? The next scene is Bores in Donkey Kong, wait what? Okay, what does ANY of this have to do with the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles? Did he just give up near the end and pulled something out of his ass? Was he doing another vain attempt to show he’s a gamer? Fuck it, I’m done with this review, let’s just finish with my closing comments.

This might be worse then his Super Mario Bros 2 review. If he wants to be taken seriously then he shouldn’t pull this kind of crap. The reason I brought up the AVGN’s review at the beginning is IG’s review of TMNT on NES is nearly identical to AVGN’s. This review was released AFTER Mike ***** received the “Thank You” letter where he promised not to use his material again. This was proven to be a bold-faced lie and Chris Bores was blacklisted as such. I didn’t point out the major comparisons because everyone has done it, just look on YouTube and you’ll find a video about that.

10 episodes in and I’m starting to lose my mind. The walls are peeling and I accidentally called Symphony of the Night a boring piece of crap. But I’ll keep on going and show people why Chris Bores is so hated. Next time his Yo! Noid on NES review.

Oh, I almost forgot. As a "test" IG released a censored version of this review. I guess some 10 year old was watching his crap and a whiny Bible-Belt mother e-mailed him about it.

17 comments:

  1. It's been a while since I've played that first Ninja Turtles game, but as I recall, doesn't falling off the building means bringing back to the map screen with less life? The only time you really fall to your death is in the fourth area where you have those flame pits in a couple stages... so that makes that "jumping from the wrong place" line not only sound stupid, but it's also inaccurate. What a dumbass thing to say.

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  2. I meant to say "doesn't falling off the building mean bring..." Damn you, Bores. Your misinformation is causing me to not think straight.

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  3. I think that's how it works, the only way to die from jumping is falling into water (which makes no sense as the Nerd has kindly pointed out), falling into spikes, and falling into fire.

    I'm guessing he wanted to add something to make it look like he didn't completely steal the AVGN's review.

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  4. I found the "AssBurger" 'joke' very insulting as I myself have asperger syndrome.

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  5. I recall he tossed in a bunch of other product plugs during the TMNT2 (Home) segment.

    Seriously, Budweiser in a Nintendo game? They had to Vodka Drunkenski to Soda Popinski in Mike Tyson's Punch-out!!

    More unfunny crap!

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  6. That's another sign he was never a gamer, he should know about Nintendo's very strict standards and items that had to be censored.
    Including:
    Alcohol
    Extreme Violence
    Sexual Content
    Religious References (the only exempt is the Castlevania games with Crosses, I guess Nintendo really loved those games).

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  7. Anybody else think Benzaie's TMNT NES in 5 Seconds was a jab at IG?

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  8. @Anon (January 16th 8:09 PM)

    I wouldn't be surprised, Benzaie has expressed his distaste for the Irate Hack before.

    I remember seeing him leaving a comment on his Aladdin review saying "Someday somebody will explain the popularity of the Irate Gamer to me" I think he left it like 8 months ago.

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  9. Another thing. At 2:20, he claims that "by pressing the Select Button", you can change between your Turtles. Now I've got to admit that it's been fifteen years or so since I last played this game on an actual NES instead of the Virtual Console. But I'm pretty sure it is the Start Button. Select made you switch between your signature melee weapon and the shuriken.

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  10. @Michael Heide
    Yeah. I acknowledged that in the updated version of the recap.

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  11. Ah, okay. Didn't know you made updated versions. I'm reading these rants in chronological order.

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  12. Bar none, the TMNT review is one of Irate Gamer's worst reviews of 2007-- next to the Zombies Ate My Neighbors and Super Mario Bros. 2 reviews. God, he sucks at gaming.

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  13. Actually, you don't die when you fall in the water. It just takes you out to the street. It's been a while since I missed those sewer jumps, but as I recall, it doesn't even take health away. I'm not saying that AVGN is wrong - he probably just added that in for comedic license/effect or something.

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    1. I don't remember AVGN saying the turtles died, in fact the clip he used clearly showed the turtle back outside the building afterwards. His complaint was you had to redo the stage again which was stupid since turtles should be able to swim. But yeah, fair point - he's admitted that some of his earlier reviews were deliberately played slightly carelessly for humorous effect, citing Karate Kid as an example.

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    2. AVGN said that the turtles drown, which means die, but I forgive him for his error

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  14. Two things:

    1. Am I the only 12 year old who hates the Irategamer show?

    2.Why did you "censor" Mike's last name after you analyzed the TMNT review?

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    Replies
    1. @Asiankid666
      1. Obviously not

      2. I have no idea why Batdan would do that. Anonymity I guess? Also you should see the redone version of this article.

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