Saturday, July 25, 2009

Tetris: Seriously? Also Bakers.

Why? Why Tetris? I’m not kidding when I say everyone and their grandmother have played this game. How can you even review Tetris? *sighs* Let’s just get this one over with. I should mention that this review “reveals” another scandal. Oh now I know this one is going to suck.

0:36 – 0:45: After asking what a Tetris is (ugh) Bores claims it comes from the Greek word “Tetra” meaning segments with 4 pieces. Nice try Bores, but that’s WRONG! The word Tetris is a combination of Tetromino (a geometric shape with 4 pieces) and Tennis (Alexey Pajitnov’s favorite sport). Two minutes in Google.

1:05: His first “review” is the Unlicensed Tengen version for the NES. He doesn’t even mention this game is unlicensed just “It’s hard to find.” Again, he shows no effort in his script-writing.

1:13 - 1:27: He points out the ability to choose your music and asks “Do they have Van Halen?” and he points to “Panama” (shopped in there) and it begins to play that song. Because full Van Halen songs would be in an 8-Bit Nintendo game, especially one from Russia. This is my BOOMSTICK! *fires*

1:49 – 1:55: After explaining how the game works (What the flying fuck is he doing? Who does NOT know the rules of Tetris? Again, everyone has played this game!) IG “jokes” that he’s glad Tetris physics don’t apply in real life and shows an example by putting an NES cart in his shelf and using a special effect to send the games away.

2:08 – 2:28: Bores points out the Russian Dancers that come out between levels and *sighs* uses a green-screen effect to join in. Who tells him these are good ideas? Does he teach mentally challenged kids who laugh at anything? Oh then he mentions doing well enough brings out female dancers, and does the same gag asking for the girl’s phone number.

2:46 – 2:52: After IG notes the blocks fall faster (durrr it’s like a video game of some sort!) the camera cuts to him in a weird wide-angle lens shot when a … Tetris block comes down. To quote King Leonidas “THIS ISN”T FUNNY!”

3:02 – 4:02: Bores then asks what the point of the rising bars on the left side are and wants to find out what happens when they reach the top, so he does a montage set to a Korobeinki remix. Oh and look at how he mashes the buttons, it’s been a while but I don’t think you mash the A-Button in Tetris. Seriously it’s so unconvincing when he does that montage.

After finally figuring out what happens he flips out because they don’t do anything. Well that was a waste of time Bores, but hey you need to make these shitty videos at least 10 minutes because you might get picked up for a TV Show… BAHAHAHAHAHA!

4:09 – 4:15: “Why did Nintendo release a Tetris of their own? Did they want to expand on the concept?” Noooo the Tengen version was unlicensed and Nintendo released their own official version to package with the Game Boy and released an NES version as well. Oh right, 20 years so you’re always right. How could I forget?

4:16: “Tetris was created by a guy in Russia” A guy in Russia? You mean Alexey Pajitnov? Dude if you want to make these videos “professional” then you should use the creator’s proper name. Though it might have been too hard for him to pronounce as we’ve seen how “fustrating” it is to correctly say a “chuck-full” of words like a-static, emenies, and flawls.

4:16 – 4:53: It seems asking that “Why would Nintendo release another version” question was pointless because he explained the history anyway! A rule that most film-makers use is that if you’re not satisfied with the product don’t use it. Lee of Still Gaming had a ton of abandoned episodes because he didn’t enjoy the game, or couldn’t think of material to write. What Chris Bores does is review Tetris and pad out the length because an actual review would be too much work. God I hate this show so much.

4:56: Begins his review of the licensed NES Tetris.

5:00 – 5:11: IG bitches that there’s only 3 song selections in the game and one being “Dance of the Sugar-Plum Fairy” and finds it stupid. Oh, I’m sorry for including RUSSIAN music in a RUSSIAN game, we’ll send out your replacement copy with crappy Midi versions of Hot for Teacher!

5:15 – 5:19: He also bitches about Nintendo removing the 2-Player mode that “was popular in the Atari version.” Wait, didn’t he say earlier that the Atari version was only on store shelves for 4 weeks? How would he know it was popular if it had a short life-span? Again he contradicts himself and doesn’t check his scripts to see if anything can be fixed.

5:45: During a list of everything he needs to worry about in the game he notes “Scoring Points.” Wait, didn’t you say in your Ghosts N Goblins review that you don’t care about the points? So why do you care now? Like I said then, the points on a Nintendo game don’t matter since the only person beating your high score is yourself.

5:57 – 6:07: Chris Bores in pre-production: Durrrr that gag with the Tetris block sure was funnay, I should do the same thing but with that stone thing from Mario! Sure it doesn’t have nothing to do with the game, but I’ll do it anyway durrr!

6:17 – 6:28: IG notes how addicting the game is and tries to stop playing but pretends the game is a drug and keeps going. Come on Tetris isn’t that addicting.

6:37: Begins reviewing Tetris 2. Why? Uhhhh Hey look over there!

6:51 – 7:00: After IG comments on the sequel having bombs he’s in ANOTHER wide-angle shot, meaning he’s going to do another “something drops from the sky” joke. This time it’s a bomb! Because that joke was sooo funny the first TWO-HUNDRED TIMES YOU DID IT!

7:45 – 8:01: After finishing his review of Tetris 2 he realizes he’s addicted (no, Rock Band is an addiction because I spent over $500 dollars on that game alone, you can play Tetris for FREE on the Internet) so he stops. After “going insane” (through some bad acting) the Eggplant Wizard from Kid Icarus shows up. Why? Because he’s a pusher of puzzle games and offers Dr. Mario. What was the point of this?

9:02 – 9:31: After reviewing Dr. Mario he enters another montage that looks extremely fake. In fact game reviewer AkewsticRockR made fun of this scene in his “Upset Gamer” parody video because of how fake it is. During this montage the virus sprites appear near his head because it’s an addiction or something? Let’s just end this.

The review ends with Bores waking up from a “puzzle game hangover” and preparing to play Yoshi’s Cookie while a “dun dun dun” plays because it’s a puzzle game. This was just an awful review! It wasn’t as bad as Ninja Turtles, Zombies Ate My Neighbors, or Super Mario Bros. 2 but the fact he even reviewed Tetris cements its status as shit. I can’t even do the What Have We Learned segment because everyone knows what Tetris is and teaching something that is common knowledge is like teaching someone how to eat. It’s pointless.

BONUS: Well I might as well get this one out of the way. The second and last Breakfast Rant he did.

This one was about Cinnamon Toast Crunch and how General Mills got rid of the other two bakers on the box. I have to ask those reading, do you care? In a recent video from The Nostalgia Critic about the best cereal mascots he noted that nobody knew the names of the other two bakers or cared what happened to them. The fact that Chris Bores even gave a rats-ass about this is just pathetic, it’s like bitching about a website getting rid of a chatroom that few used or cared about.

Next time I’ll be covering his review of Contra. Oh this is going to be heinous and foul in every sense of those words.

13 comments:

  1. Another empty comment section,
    Another AVGN quote.
    Please don't eat while reading this.

    I would rather buy every single version of Tetris ever made, blowing away over 500 dollars at most, and then shove all of them, even the downloaded games, up my fat ass!
    I would rather be crushed by a pair of Rhinos that happened to be having sex, so much that the male Rhino's penis rips through my chest!
    I would rather lather my balls with peanut butter and have a rabid, flea bitten, very bitey type dog rip my ball sack off while wearing a closed helmet filled to the brim with miffed hornets, bees, wasps, and lawyers!
    I would rather walk into a crowd of black people, stand there silently for a couple of minutes, and then shout out the N-word just so that they beat the living shit out of me
    THAN TO WATCH IRATE LAMER'S WHORE-SHIT SUNDEA WITH NUTS, MAN SYRUP, AND AN EYEBALL ON TOP!

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  2. Something just came to mind when reading this and I don't know if this was ever touched upon in any of those "Stuff I Missed" posts, but what tends to irk me about this review is that when he reviews the Tengen Tetris, he keeps referring to it as the one by Atari.

    While Atari Games (arcade division) owned the Tengen brand name and thus is technically correct, it's simply wrong to refer to the Tengen game as the Atari version, as that would somehow imply that the game was manufactured by the same Atari company that was also producing Atari 2600/5200/7800/whatever systems at roughly the same time and had nothing to do with Nintendo whatsoever.

    Again, I could be wrong on this, but I think those were the details. I may have to look up Wiki-- uh, I mean, do some more research on the matter.

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  3. That's kind of why I left that part out, I knew Atari owned Tengen but you're right he should have said Tengen.

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  4. I'm almost (but not quite) surprised that he didn't mention that there was a version of Tetris released for the Famicom that preceded the Tengen version. I'd figure that if he was going to go through the history of Tetris needlessly, he would mention that game.

    On the other hand, I doubt he's remotely even aware of what a Famicom is from the looks of it. After all, isn't this the same guy who thinks the Genesis came out after the Super Nintendo?

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  5. He probably thinks the NES is still the NES in Japan.
    Though he did call the Japanese ROB the "Family Computer Robot" only to make a soul-wounding joke about it.

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  6. Geez, no wonder why R.O.B. attacked him.

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  7. "...a-static, emenies, and flawls."

    Don't forget Jawls!

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  8. Actually all his "-aw" words have an added L sound.
    "Drawlbacks"
    "Sawl"

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  9. And here's the really messed up part about this. I have actually seen this video, and boy-oh-fucking-boy, I think it scarred me for life, and here is why:
    Everytime I play any flash port of NES or Gameboy Tetris, I sometimes imagine Irate Lamer dancing in his lederhosen or whatever it is, and it WON'T GO AWAY!! That dance, and that joke he threw in about getting the female dancer's phone number, continues to taunt me; it haunts me and it's making me sick.
    MAKING ME SICK!!! >:(

    I'm even afraid to play Tetris anymore because these mental images of that terrible joke could come back. I'm so scared!!

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  10. To be fair, the word "Tetromino" is a mashup of "Tetra" and "Domino". Since the "Domino" part never made it into "Tetris", Bores is actually right when he points to the Greek word "Tetra". Yes, he left out the "Tennis" part, but let's not make him appear even more incompetent than he actually is. I think the universe would explode.

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    1. Agreed, he's entitled to have got one thing sort of correct from his first several videos. A blind pig (in every sense of the word in Bores's case) will still occasionally sniff out a truffle.

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  11. IMO the worst offence he made was claiming to hate Tetris 2 and like Dr. Mario, when (not only did Tetris 2 come out *after* Dr. Mario) they're essentially THE SAME GAME. And really, you're not gonna say anything about the Game Boy version?

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  12. Chris really dropped the ball by not having a bad guy sprite from NARC be the Dr, Mario pusher.

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