Thursday, July 23, 2009

Yo! Noid: Chris Bores shows his true intentions.

Good news, at this point the videos will not get as bad as his TMNT review because my mind has gotten used to the painful raping it receives when I watch IG’s reviews. Unless it’s something overly horrendous then I doubt we’ll have any incidents like the last rant.

So with that out of the way, let’s begin breaking down his review of Yo! Noid on the NES, an Americanized version of the very difficult Famicom game Masked Ninja Hanamaru. So protect your pizza and… wait didn’t we do a mascot that loves pizza already? Screw it let’s just get on with this.

Intro: For some reason he added some slides noting “This video contains explicit language” and a picture of Bores with the caption “Rate This Video Support the Show” Wow, on his 11th review and he’s already desperate enough to resort to “Subscribe to my channel for more of this crap.”

0:20 – 0:31: He takes a pizza out of the oven (it looks fake for some reason) and hears The Noid’s laughter so he tells him to back off. I don’t think even Seth McFarlane would use this joke.

0:47 – 1:02: Bores begins asking whose bright idea it was to make a game on The Noid (It was Capcom, one of the kings of the NES) and comments that they’re selling out because of it. Make note of this line later, you’ll know when. Oh and when he’s talking about this a still image of The Noid pops up in different places to “annoy us” so Bores hits him with a frying pan. Really the true purpose was to get people paying attention to that and not Bores’ horrid acting.

1:03 – 1:19: IG begins the review bitching about the title (this is worth mentioning why?) Noting it makes as much sense as calling his show “Yo Irate Gamer.” Again, what’s the point of complaining about the title?

1:24 – 1:41: After mentioning the story is to protect the city from The Noid’s evil twin he blurts out “I HAVE AN EVIL TWIN! I wonder how he’s doing?” Then we transition to Hell where Other Bores is plotting to get out. Is he trying to build a story around this shit? Why ask how the evil twin that YOU killed is doing? God this is like that old G4 show Portal, going from MMORPG guides to a character driven story, only difference is that Portal was watchable.

1:53 – 2:01: IG begins to question the story on why the mayor of the city asks The Noid for help (didn’t you just say his evil twin is destroying it? Cliché fiction dictates that the good twin must destroy the evil. You contradict yourself so much.) So he throws in a cut-away joke noting that the only one who would do that is Mayor McCheese. Note that he puts a pause at the end of it so people can laugh. I’m not kidding with that.

2:09 – 2:17: After commenting on the good graphics, he starts his “anger” pointing out the game doesn’t play like other games. I have no clue what that means. That’s like saying “The Legend of Zelda sucks because it doesn’t play like Mario.” It doesn’t make sense in the slightest.

2:26 – 2:40: He notes the intense difficulty and says “You’re destined to die” and follow it with a “death montage” saying SHIT every time he dies. He ends it by throwing his controller and yelling “THIS GAME IS THE BIGGEST PIECE OF *pause* CRAP.” For fuck sake According to Jim is funnier then this.

*almost 2 minutes of boring rants later*

4:23 – 4:37: He starts wondering how Dominos could sell out to a bad game like this and suddenly he gets a piece of paper and… it’s a check from Dominos. The face he makes is actually funny because it’s just so stupid, his jaw is hanging to the side and he put dollar signs in his eyes. Okay I’m getting nit-picky let’s just keep going.

4:38 – 4:47: After receiving his check he contemplates that selling-out isn’t a bad idea (this will bite him so much later) and he tries to hammer this point with a “joke” of him wearing an A&W T-Shirt and Adidas baseball cap while holding a bag of Doritos and can of Dr. Pepper. He comments “After all, a logo can go a long way.” Oh it sure can, when people see your logo they run really fast.

4:48 – 5:07: Because he “sold out” to Dominos he begins to praise the game with a photoshopped Top 100 NES games list with Yo! Noid at Number 3 and … I can’t believe he said this: “If you die, you just suck at the game.” FUCK YOU! You bash Ghosts N Goblins for being too hard when you just suck at it; you have no right ABSOLUTELY NO RIGHT to say that remark.

5:08 – 5:12: “Don’t get mad, get Glad locked zipper bags” and does smile and thumbs-up. You know how those “Epic Movie” or “Disaster Movie” type films where they take a simple joke and drag it on and on. This is just like that, and it’s just as unfunny.

After praising the game and “selling out some more” he beats it and sees the ending sucks. Because of the bad ending he stops selling out to Dominos and claims he’ll only sell out to himself and to prove this he reveals the “Irate Gamer” t-shirt. Yeah, he’s only on his 11th review and he has released a T-Shirt, I think this whole episode was supposed to be “ironic” but it shows people that Chris Bores only cares about money and is a complete whore.

But wait, it’s not over yet. Back in Hell the Other Bores has executed his plan to escape, by using Lemmings. Even the “Evil Irate Gamer” isn’t funny, and normally I find evil hilarious. So what have we learned about Yo! Noid (it’s back!) It’s a hard game and… that’s about it. He didn’t even mention that the game was originally Masked Ninja Hanamaru, which can be found out with a quick Google Search.

You know, this whole concept of selling-out isn’t funny. Journalist Jeff Gerstmann lost his job at Gamespot because he gave the game Kane & Lynch an average score despite the site’s promotion. Because publishers Eidos didn’t like his score they ordered CNET to fire him or they will cut off funding. After Gerstmann’s termination many of the respected writers for the site left in a “Massive GameSpot Exodus” leaving the place as a decayed shell to its former glory.

Because of Chris Bores’ blatant promotion people began to realize he was never doing this for entertainment, only for monetary gain. Keep this in mind folks for the future. Next time: His review of Zombies Ate My Neighbors for the SNES, I will be extra harsh in this one.

9 comments:

  1. In that video, if I recall, Irate got annoyed because "mayor" was spelled with an "e"

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  2. *re-watches to make sure*
    No he didn't complain about that.
    His complaint was about the mayor's incompetence in asking The Noid to save the city and "joked" that it was Mayor McCheese (yes he pauses after that joke as well).

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  3. Wouldn't it be funny if Spax3 tried to take down the review because he used the Noid in it?

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  4. ScrewAttack recently did a Video Game Vault on this game, and one of the first comments I saw looked like this:

    "Stuttering Craig reviewed a game that the Ir- I mean The Enemy already reviewed. So, by AVGN fanboy logic, Screwattack is plagiarizing a plagiarizer!"

    I didn't realize reviewing the same game meant ripping off. I thought people were critical of Bores' Back to the Future and TMNT reviews because he made the exact same points as AVGN, but brought his own sense of stupidity along with it.

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  5. @Anon (January 15th 4:49 PM)

    People still have this idea that reviewers can't review other games people have done.

    Recently when AVGN reviewed Street Fighter 2010, SpoonyOne's fans went insane over the prospect that he'll steal from him.

    When he didn't use any of his jokes (obviously) they started saying "AVGN sucks now because it wasn't as good as Spoony's review" Yeah...

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  6. @BatDan

    AVGN has really gotten stale these days. No disrespect meant to him, but I think he's just really run out of ideas and the fact that he's been constantly put out content (instead of taking 2 month+ long breaks in between reviews like someone else) has caught up with him. I think he's even come to terms with this as I believe he's slowed it down and is focusing on other projects.

    I will give him credit though, even though he's reviewing the same games as other people, I think he's watched the other popular reviews to make sure he's not doing the same shit as them. SF 2010 is an example of this, Action 52 is another good one. Even though I think Rob's review is better than James' ( Yeah, he's lost it that much) there weren't many similarities.

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  7. Gee, speaking of logos, I guess seeing Irate Gamer's logo is more terrifying than the Viacom "V of Doom" or Screen Gems "S from Hell" combined! :-D Oh, wait, it is...

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  8. Did I write "or"? Excuse me, I meant "and" in that last comment... ;-)

    (I visit [and am a writer for] CLG Wiki, a site that talks about production logos you see on TV and the movies, in case you may not know what I meant by "'V of Doom' and 'S from Hell' combined")

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  9. I think more focus should have been spent on how stupid the concept of selling out to Dominos is. Yo! Noid hadn't been relevant for a long time by the time that Bores made this video, and if Domino ever gave half a squirt of piss about the game in the first place, they certainly don't anymore. It would make more sense for him to sell out to Capcom since they're the folks who made the game, and even then just barely since the game came out in like 1990 and hasn't been sold for a long time.

    The lack of logic on display in his videos is mind numbing, and to my mind is just as obnoxious as his complete lack of knowledge about videogames. There's no rhyme or reason to his jokes. No context. They just happen, and we viewers can do nothing but sit and drool on ourselves as his videos slowly erode our brains.

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