Thursday, July 23, 2009

Zombies Ate My Neighbors: I love this game you fatass!

Hold on, Zombies Ate My Neighbors is a great game. It’s an underrated classic that never takes itself seriously and is one of my most requested games for the Wii’s Virtual Console. Maybe it’s a positive review? I seriously doubt that.

Grab your water gun and let’s get moving.

0:02 – 0:46: Woah no shitty theme song, right into the review. So the Bores Devil is declaring his plans to take over the world on Halloween but after a party or something. The Other Bores is sitting there next to him (there’s a large space between them because he wouldn’t use his split-screen effect that way) and asks to come up to Earth. I think this is supposed to be a plot of some sort but the sheer fact he’s trying to put a story into this is a mindfuck all of its own.

0:47 – 1:07: Instead of his “EPIC” public domain theme song, he uses a “Spooooky” public domain theme song for the “Irate Gamer Halloween Special.” He uses a spider web effect in the background (I swear Spider-Man 2 did this exact same effect, only 100x better) and he credits himself for everything (Ego much)?

1:11: Bores reveals his Halloween costume, a Ghostbuster. Aren’t you supposed to be reviewing Zombies Ate my Neighbors?

1:12 – 1:48: He notes he got a call there was a ghost in the building (so you called yourself to get rid of a ghost?) and he enters his room to find a zombie (Bores in costume again). IG notes this but still tries to take it down with the proton pack (rather a lame special effect) and tries to joke “I’m gonna need a bigger gun.” You know this does explain why he does that awful Ghost Hunting show; he always wanted to be a Ghostbuster.

1:55 – 2:09: IG begins his review (FINALLY) saying it’s a “Unique and creepy game” but says to look elsewhere for a good zombie game and this belongs in the meat grinder (while showing a photoshopped image of it). The Irate Gamer has lost 2000 respect points now, bringing his current total to -32,000.

2:17 – 2:22: Time for another Chris Bores joke. “Zombies, zombies, and more zombies (shows a picture of actor Aaron Spelling)” *hears an explosion* That joke was so unfunny that it blew up the “laughtrack” machine.

2:23 – 2:31: After explaining the types of levels in the game he throws in “Barnes & Noble” and a photoshopped picture of the Zombies in a book store while one says “Oooh Kama Sutra.” My God The Modern Simpsons episodes have more dignity then this!

2:54 – 3:03: He notes the objective of ZAMN is to rescue all the neighbors before they’re killed and that you don’t have to save them all. He uses this as a joke when he sees a cheerleader sprite and remarks “Every cheerleader I knew in High School rejected me” and allows her to be killed. Seriously? The post-cancellation Family Guy episodes have more dignity then this!

3:31 – 3:40: After explaining the weird weapons and the ability to use popsicles he asks people to try and kill zombies with them prompting another lame cutting gag from The Umbrella Corporation of Resident Evil. *headdesk* Bores, stop trying to convince us you’re a gamer because you’re obviously not.

3:57 – 4:05: After listing all the enemies because he needs to pad time (while throwing in another cultural reference with Count Chocula) he whines that the game should be called “Monsters Ate My Neighbors.” Are you shitting me? You’re complaining about the title? This game is supposed to be a throwback to the old horror B-movies of the 50s; it’s not supposed to be taken seriously. Also if it was just Zombies it would be a boring game, since they take one hit to kill!

4:06 – 5:27: IG questions why the game has no skeletons and decides to ask one? So in another stupid time-padding sequence he “interviews” a skeleton via satellite (who is also Chris Bores in a costume, doesn’t he have friends to do this?) The skeleton talks in a “Neurotic Woody Allen Nasal tone” and spends the next minute rambling about pointless shit. Why does Bores insist on adding these pointless characters? They serve no purpose to the review other then to detract from his horrible acting and lack of gaming knowledge.

5:33 – 5:49: He begins bitching about the Ants stage saying they take too many hits to kill and they’re gang up on you. *instant facepalm* He’s doing this bad on purpose! He has to be! Anyone with a brain knows not to use the water gun on the Ants and to run away from them. Here he’s waiting until they attack him and then he fires back. Unless he’s playing bad on purpose then Chris Bores is an even worse gamer then my casual gaming sister.

6:30 – 7:03: After bitching about the game getting harder (I’m serious, he says it’s the game’s fault that it gets harder and thus it sucks) he gets a call from the Jewish Skeleton. Why? Why do this gag in the first place? I think his friends are just humoring him because he’s mentally deficient and “He worked so hard on it, let’s praise him.”

He beats the game but bitches that there’s no real ending just the Credits Level and that it’s a big cop-out. Fuck you! This game was never meant to be serious and be glad you get a bonus joke level you ass-spelunker! So he ends the review by opening the Ghost Trap which brings up blue light (crappy special effects) and he throws it in (you can actually see the game jump-cut out). He gets another call from the Jew Skeleton and leaves, and then the “Evil Irate Gamer” takes over the show but answers the phone and listens to the Jew Skeleton, how boring.

What did we learn about Zombies Ate my Neighbors? I don’t know, I don’t think he reviewed it. This was a bad episode, because I fucking LOVE Zombies Ate my Neighbors and he bashes it without giving a good reason. Not to mention the jokes are unfunny, and the “skits” are as boring as a documentary about glacial movement, but I’ve grown numb to this point so stabbing my hand won’t do anything.

Next time I’ll cover a lot. I’ll overview his poorly made DVD, scold at his Breakfast Rant, and breakdown his first “Neo” review of The Simpsons Game. I have a lot of work to do and stimulants to keep myself from sleeping so see you next time.

12 comments:

  1. Not only was the Aaron Spelling joke completely unfunny, but wasn't Spelling dead by the time he did this review?

    A lot of people have joked about Keith Richards or Andy Rooney resembling zombies, but those jokes make sense since they're ALIVE. Here, it doesn't work.

    Way to stay relevant, Chris.

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  2. You're right, Spelling died in 2006 a year before IG's crappy video.
    It would make sense to call Dick Clark or James Lipton zombies (Lipton is 83 years old and looks like he's in his 50s).

    Yeah his references (when he makes them) are rarely relevant, in one video he talked about Petticoat Junction a TV sitcom from the 1960s. Yeah people are going to relate to that...

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  3. You're being a bit cruel with that last potshot. After all, a documentary about glacial movement can be somewhat entertaining and informative. More so than the Irate Gamer...

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  4. *Ahehehehehehem!*
    If you happen to read this comment, whatever you do, DO NOT EAT WHILE READING THIS! Trust me. You just do not want to.

    I would rather get a lobotomy from Dr. Tongue while Dracula bites my dick, The Wolfman rapes me, and the Merman pisses into my drooling mouth, while zombies rip off my nose and all four of my limbs to sodomize and then eat them, as the Martian Invaders force me to watch every movie Micheal Bay and Uwe Boll ever made with my eyes wide open as fire ants continuously sting them and eat away at what remains of my flesh...
    (gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaasp)
    Than to even pretend to acknoledge that this SHITLOAD OF FUCK made by Chris Bore (us to tears) even exists! That Irate Lamer video sucks! It fucking sucks, it fucks! That putrid video sucks so much cocksucking, mother fucking bull fuck, and I don't like it.

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  5. Armake21 did a commentary on this "review". It was sweet; too bad IG took it down.... =(

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  6. HOLD IT!

    NOBODY EVER TOLD ME ARMAKE MADE A COMMMENTARY ON THAT PILE OF ZOMBIE SHIT!

    Did Armake post his commentary on other video sites like DailyMotion? Did he even make it somehow available for download?

    THIS IS GOT TO SEE!!!

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  7. @Anon (December 30th 8:01 PM)
    Armake did it as part of his ustream show, I don't know the exact one.
    Someone did mirror it but that person's account was taken down (or closed I don't recall).

    Good luck finding it, his ustream shows are long.

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  8. God, HVGN's review is better on every level. His review was informative, honest, and entertaining, not to mention he pointed out actual flaws instead of stupid shit like "the ending isn't the same as every other ending," but still noted that it was a good game overall. That's why HVGN is more deserving of subscribers than this clown.

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  9. Bores was never good, but when this review came out, I realized that he really knew nothing at all about games and unsubscribed.

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  10. I subscribed to his videos once-upon-a-time because I like a good trainwreck, and Bores is a trainwreck if there ever was one. I quickly unsubscribed when I realized that I was watching the antics of a handicapped man-child play out on screen, and started to feel like I was doing something wrong.

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  11. I really, really think social services need to hear about Chris. He's not right in the head.

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  12. I told my Dad that this guy ripped into ZAMN.

    His response? "We should scalp his ass!"

    Really though, I find it stupid that he can't figure out what a good game is. ZAMN is better than Resident Evil, and had RE's gimmick years before it exsisted.

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