Ahh E3 2009, I remember it like it was yesterday. Nintendo almost setting us up for disappointment only to reveal a megaton Metroid title, Microsoft introducing Project Natal while I shouted “That’s one of the dumbest things I’ve ever seen in my life” and Sony revealing Final Fantasy XIV which is sadly another MMORPG.
But enough about what I thought, this year Chris Bores was invited by GottGame to attend the Expo. Since Bores is a pathological liar and continually tries to mask he’s not a gamer, he released a tedious series of E3 Preview videos. Bores however doesn’t know the difference between a review and preview so he titled each video as a review, even though none of the games are complete.
Starting off Bores videotaped Nintendo’s Conference, for some reason he called it a Private Conference even though G4 showed it live and the big sites like IGN and GameTrailers streamed it. A private conference would mean only a select few would see it, since an entire country could get access to it it’s not private.
0:05 – 0:55: The boredom immediately sets in as Bores talks about waiting for a bus and going into the conference. Who the hell is holding the camera?
0:58 – 1:06: Cammie Dunaway announces New Super Mario Bros. Wii as we get an awkward shot of Bores giving a thumbs-up… okaaaaaaaay.
1:07 – 1:43: A Nintendo Executive explains the new gameplay mechanics and after a while we get a shot of Bores for no reason. I don’t remember the NSMB tutorial being this boring, though I watched it live on G4 (the only reason to watch that channel).
1:45 – 2:40: The time listed is just more of the same that you can see in better quality at IGN or GT.
2:41 – 2:48: Bores chimes in that the conference is much longer and instead of boring us he’ll give a recap. At least he’s merciful here unlike his reviews.
2:50 – 3:05: He points out the announcement of Wii Motion Plus (even though WM+ was originally announced E3 2008) and continues to call the Wii Remote the “Wii Joystick.” Does Bores have any idea what a joystick is?
3:06 – 3:21: Bores points out Wii Sports Resort, he introduces it like it’s no big deal. He says he has coverage of the game even though the other videos don’t mention it.
3:22 – 3:41: He mentions WM+ works with Wii Sports Resort (which he just said) along with Wii Fit +. Then he lists off a bunch of sports games, and glosses over Red Steel 2 without a second thought (even though the original game was a Wii Launch Title and people had high expectations).
3:42 – 4:24: Here he talks about Kingdom Hearts 358/2 Days (mispronouncing it no surprise), he says he played it and it’s like the other Kingdom Hearts games (oh please he’s never played Kingdom Hearts) then pads for time by showing the rest of the trailer.
4:25 – 4:54: Next he shows Mario & Luigi: Bowser’s Inside Story. He says he played it and it “feels strictly like an RPG.” Really, what gave you that hint God of Gaming? The fact that this is the third game in the series or even easier YOU GET STATS! Has he ever played a Mario RPG game before? Oh that’s right he’s not a gamer so no he has not.
4:55 – 5:01: Shows Mario vs. Donkey Kong: Minis March Again and claims “I believe this is the third installment” which I’m pretty sure Reggie just said. PAY ATTENTION MAGGOT!
5:02 – 5:24: Glances over Final Fantasy Crystal Chronicles: The Crystal Bearers, then mentions he has exclusive footage of a brand new Zelda game. Even though Spirit Tracks was announced months beforehand and tons of real journalists have footage, so it’s not that exclusive is it Mr. Bores?
5:25 – 5:37: Glosses over the Wii FPS and Rail Shooter games.
5:38 – 7:40: Bores states they saved the best for last and shows the entire trailer for Super Mario Galaxy 2, and I mean the entire trailer.
7:42: “Now once the movie trailer ended…” Wait what?
He called Super Mario Galaxy 2 a movie. I … uh… wha… aw3kl;a45jl;13 12l;5j1kl5j3l;1k j1kl;5jkl;6jl;k *static*
7:46 – 9:44: Then he shows the entire Metroid: Other M trailer. This would be the only good thing about the video if I didn’t have the ability to find a different website with a higher quality trailer. But I do so this video just sucks.
The video ends with Bores clapping with a very ugly smile and saying “Freaking sweet.” I apologize for the lack of snark, this video was just so damn boring. But this is just the beginning, there are 7 more videos to go, tune in… right now.
Video 2 is a “review” of New Super Mario Bros. Wii, even though the game wasn’t out then and at the time of this writing isn’t out now.
Intro: Each of his E3 videos has an intro that sounds like Bores farted into a microphone and added a waa-waa machine.
0:05 – 0:39: IG points out his press pass and walks into the building. You can see the camera man in the reflection, looks like an unpayed Intern that wonders where his life went wrong. The rest is random footage of the show floor.
0:40 – 0:53: He starts his “review” of NSMB Wii saying “nobody expected this game.” Of course nobody expected it E3 is about surprises and new titles. He mentions the game looks great and is a lot of fun. Okay can you tell us why this game looks fun? No? Of course not.
0:54 – 1:05: Bores shows the “really cool” feature of having 4 players AT THE SAME TIME (making fun of his forced excitement here) and continues to call the Toads “Toadstools.” For the last time they’re not Toadstools, that was the Princess’ name in early localizations! The Toads were never called Toadstool, get it through your head!
1:06 – 1:17: He mentions one “drawlback” (English Motherfucker do you speak it?) is jumping off people’s heads messes you up getting you in trouble. How is that a problem since that’s a basic gameplay element? It’s like complaining about killing enemies to get health in Mario 2 it’s not a flaw.
1:41 – 1:54: He comments that fans of Mario will LOVE this game as they brought back Yoshi (who appeared in countless games since but who’s counting?) and The Koopalings (who appeared in Mario & Luigi Superstar Saga) as he exclaims “VERY COOL!” Why is the inflection in his voice so… Gah.
1:55 – 2:06: After a weird smiling shot Bores tells us he tried to ask a developer for more info but he couldn’t get it. That’s because Nintendo likes to keep things secret you douche! We can’t even learn about Shigeru Miyamoto’s hobbies because it would give fan’s ideas for new games (many Nintendo games this decade have been based on Shiggy’s hobbies).
2:07 – 2:13: “If past Mario Wii games are any indication, there will definitely be hidden characters.” Wha *looks at previous Mario Wii games* Well you can unlock Luigi in Super Mario Galaxy if you get all 120 Stars. Mario Kart Wii has hidden characters but that’s been standard since Double Dash. SSBB isn’t really a Mario game. What the hell is he talking about?
He ends the video telling us to look for the game this fall and gives us a creepy smile. Boy what a needlessly pointless video, I’m sure glad a boring man-baby pointed out the obvious and shit I don’t care about.
The third video was a “review” of G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra. Yes the game based off the horrible movie. From the reviews and footage I’ve seen, it looks like complete shit. Early Dreamcast graphics with broken Ikari Warriors controls. But hey Bores has no idea how a quality game works so let’s see him gush over it.
0:08 – 0:11: “Now it’s time to review G.I. Joe: Rise of the Cobra” Son of a… there’s two things wrong in this sentence. It’s not a review since the game isn’t complete, and the title is “The Rise of Cobra” as in the creation of Cobra, the terrorist organization that the Joes have to stop every episode.
0:12 – 0:17: “Now this game is based off the movie that’s coming out” Thank you Captain Obvious.
0:25 – 0:31: “What’s really cool is that you can get a second player to help beat Cobra.” *gasp* a second player? What is this black magic? Next you’ll be telling us games will be played in the Third Dimension!
0:33: “The controls were very easy to learn and pick up” of course they’re easy you only press the fire button you dumbass!
0:38 – 1:04: Bores mentions he asked a developer about extra characters and learned there will be, he mentions some of them and does the same “Very Cool” he did in his NSMB Wii review. Still doesn’t matter because this game is a load of crap. He also mentions some characters that won’t be in the game. Again who cares?
1:05 – 1:11: “One cool thing you can do is actually climb into vehicles.” Oh be still my beating heart! Climbing into vehicles, I never thought I’d experience such a dream in a video game!
Yeah this is just another sign that Bores isn’t a gamer.
1:12 – 1:20: “One really cool thing is that you can play as the good guys or the bad guys” Ooooh how original, that’s never been done before. I still have 4 more videos after this.
1:21 – 1:36: Bores pads for time by showing the character roster. My guess is that they all play exactly the same, a lazy move that developers do to save time.
He ends the video saying “It’s shaping up to be decent” and expect it soon. Did the developer pay Bores to say all that positive bullshit? You couldn’t have thought this was good in the slightest.
After that trainwreck he gives us “exclusive new Zelda footage” or he “reviews” The Legend of Zelda: Spirit Tracks. Like NSMB Wii it isn’t out yet so I have nothing to fall back on for Bores’ moronic statements.
0:12 – 0:25: Bores whines about the extremely long line and waiting “40 freakin’ minutes” to finally play. So when he’s not “in character” he can’t say fuck? There’s a shot at the end with Bores looking “Irate” while he holds the DS, if Phantom Hourglass is any indication the entire thing is touch-screen controls so YOU’RE DOING IT WRONG!
0:26 – 0:33: He points out the three modes while he circles them.
Third Rate Gamer: Hopefully if I circle these words as I read them, it will enhance the video because my fans don’t know how to read.
0:35 – 0:54: He chooses the Dungeon first and believes the entire game has you controlling a large knight with the touch-screen (as he explains it in boring detail). I have a feeling the knight is only there for certain areas like PUZZLES!
0:55 – 1:14: “Durrr dis game has puzzles, like dis one dis one and more. They were challenging but fUn factor still der.”
1:15 – 1:22: He glances over the boss battle because “it’s easy to understand.” Chris this game isn’t out yet, don’t review it like everyone knows what you’re talking about.
1:23 – 1:41: “This is da train mode, it’s very easy to understand but I’ll explain it anyway.”
1:42 – 1:55: Bores tried asking a representative when the train stages appear and responded “I don’t know.” So he assumes that trains are used to travel from one place to another.
Uggggggggggggggh oh god my brain is coming out of my ass aw43523q;l 4j125l4k;j34 5k2536’ *static*
He finally ends it noting that it’s very different but enjoyable, how unrelentlessly stupid and painful. I hope people kicked his ass at E3.
This next video I don’t understand. He originally uploaded it without any problems but took it down an hour later. He then put it back up split into two parts, why? According to the description YouTube forced him… wait what? IG is a YouTube Partner he can go over the 11 minute limit, and the whole thing is only 4 minutes long. I guess it’s to get more ad revenue, which is why he splits his movie lists in two.
The first part is about Star Wars: The Old Republic, the upcoming MMORPG that will try to wash the taste of Star Wars Galaxies out. I’m not an MMO fan but I’m sure I know more about them then Bores.
0:07 – 0:13: “One game that caught everyone by surprise was LucasArts’ newest offering, Star Wars: The Old Republic.” Except the game was announced in 2008 not at E3 2009, and Bioware is developing the game not LucasArts.
0:14 – 1:05: He then shows some of the trailer, yeah the real thing is longer then the listed time but it’s still a lot of padding here.
1:06 – 1:12: Bores comment he was invited for a sneak preview, and was impressed with what he “sawl.” Notice how the title says it’s a review yet he hasn’t mentioned playing it.
1:13 – 1:25: Explaining the story (the same timeline as KOTOR which he doesn’t mention) and some redundancy “This game looks fascinating and everything I’ve seen so far looks pretty darn cool.”
1:26 – 1:33: “I totally got pictures with some real Jedi and a real Clone Trooper” Yeah those totally aren’t LucasArts employees paid to dress up and promote the game.
1:33: Okay, even though he didn’t mention it in the title he’s going to “review” Lego Indiana Jones 2. Though the picture of the video should have been a clue, but he didn’t even leave tags about it.
1:39 – 1:43: “I wasn’t able to get footage because it was prohibited.” Oh boo-freakity-hoo it looks the same as the first one.
Blah blah blah “The levels will be completely different from the first game” because that never happens in a sequel… *puts gun in mouth*
1:57: Now he’s talking about Activision and their line of rhythm shit. Again this wasn’t mentioned in the title or tags, and I didn’t get a clue like Indiana Jones.
Okay I’m going to take a quick moment here and point out how much he says “and from what I sawl” that’s not how sentence transitions work you inbred 5th grade dropout.
Anywho, at the end of the first part he started talking about Beatles: Rock Band and he awkwardly cuts the video. So, on to the unnecessary second part.
After calling himself a big fan we’re treated to a horrible performance of I Saw Her Standing There ending with Bores doing an embarrassing impression of John Lennon. Yeah this is the entire second part.
*sighs* There’s just one video left and he saved the dumbest for last (probably). IG “reviews” Ghostbusters and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Smash-Up, one is a decent licensed game and the other is a bland Smash Bros clone (yes I know some of the team worked on Brawl but it’s still a bland game).
0:25 – 0:45: Bores notes the controls take getting used to (like every other video game out there) but he caught Slimer for the first time! Notice how the representative is cheering him on, kind of sounds like a parent cheering on their short & scrawny kid in a basketball game.
The way he said “I caught Slimer for the first time” goes back to my point about him always wanting to be a Ghostbuster. Seeing how he still does Haunted Investigators I guess reality should catch up sooner or later.
0:46: “Outside there was a cool replica of the Ghostbusters car.” Uhhh that was the real Ecto-1 not a replica, in fact James Rolfe took a picture of the same car even saying “The original Ecto-1” in his post.
Disclaimer: This is not another accusation of plagiarism, I used the example posted at Cinemassacre to prove that Bores was once again wrong.
0:54 – 1:26: Bores “reviews” TMNT: Smash-Up, and by review he says a few words and does a pointless montage.
1:27 – 1:49: IG mentions the celebrities that attended as you see him jizz his pants over Stan Lee being there. Only he didn’t walk up to him he just pointed at him from a distance and went nuts.
At San Diego Comic-Con 2007 I went to a restaurant and I saw Stan Lee at a distance, I didn’t go crazy I just saw him and said “Oh hey Stan Lee is eating here, awesome.” You know why I didn’t go crazy? Because celebrities are always going to be at big events like E3 or Comic-Con, that’s how it works!
So the video ends with Bores doing a montage of various games he played while his “Neo” theme song plays, and finally leaving the convention that never wanted him stating “That was one for the record books.” GOOD GOD THAT WAS HORRIBLE!
What I want to know is how many people confronted him about his bullshit? Did SWAG scare them off? Someone had to see him and call him out. God damn it all!
There are some interviews that Bores conducted with random developers at GottGame but I’m done with this, E3 has been over for months and I’ll just wait for Bores’ next failure to pop up.
Stay Brutal My Readers.