EDIT: Updated the list to 11, included Resident Evil 5
2009 is coming to a close, and boy what a terrible year.
Celebrities dying left & right, the worst economic recession in the USA since the Stock Market Crash of 1929, Twilight-mania swept the nation, and the incoming “Idiocracy Apocalypse” has shown growth at an alarming rate.
But enough about the real world, we’re here to bash the Irate Gamer and all this bullshit he spews.
2009 was a very slow year for Mr. Bores, sporadically releasing videos making even his hardcore fans annoyed.
Here’s a checklist of the videos and what it amounts to.
- 2 Retro Reviews (Aladdin and Kool-Aid Man)
- 2 “History of Video Game bullshit” videos (Counting both parts of The Odyssey video as one, there‘s no excuse that they need to be separate)
- A commercial for a shitty Famiclone that he poorly disguised as an episode
- 5 Neo Reviews (Sonic Unleashed, Resident Evil 5, Boom Blox: Bash Party, Guitar Hero: Van Halen, DJ Hero)
- 6 E3 videos where he says “Vewy Coo’” to everything (even the utter shit).
- 10 movie reviews (I’m counting the Summer Movie list as one video, see above for reason)
- Finally, 14 random bullshit videos. These include trailers, remastered reviews, and Ghost Hunters on Two Bucks
So 2009 wasn’t a good year for The Bores. He claims his Hard Drive crashed but we all know he was cutting himself to losing Jennifer.
Irate Gamer Sucks is going to send-off 2009 with a Top 11 list of the worst moments from his videos (both IG and CB). It wasn’t easy limiting it just to 11.
11. Over hyping Dragon Ball Evolution
Carried over from his Top 10 Summer Movies 2008 list, Bores went gaga over the live-action adaptation of Akira Toriyama’s Shonen epic in the 2009 list. Going as far as to bash the fans that say it will suck, he “guarantees” it will be epic and awesome. This led me to believe he has brain damage, but I digress.
When he actually does review the movie, it shows evidence that he had no idea what he was talking about the last two years. Notably when he criticized Master Roshi for having hair, when EVERY PROMOTIONAL PICTURE with Roshi showed him like that. Besides, Chow Yun-Fat wouldn’t shave his head for a role he knew sucked balls.
10. The pace of “History of Video Games”.
We all know Chris Bores isn’t a gamer, and his countless attempts to show us otherwise have failed. So what does he do? A video series about the History of Video Games.
Now, any competent reviewer, or hell filmmaker, would cover the entire history over the course of 10-12 videos. But not Chris Bores, no he decides to take his SWEET! FUCKING! TIME! I mean, two videos and he’s only covered the Odyssey? If he released a new one every week and with competence he would have been done by, at most, September.
That’s not the worst of it, he claims in the comments that the SNES will be around Part 40. Are you out of your mind?
9. Complaining about the flying stage in Sonic Unleashed
Recently I started playing Sonic Unleashed, I haven’t gotten very far since I’ve been busy with other games but from what I’ve played so far it’s not bad. It’s three steps in the right direction but a step or two back.
Irate Hack decided to jump on the IGN-Gamespot bandwagon and bash the game just for being different. You know I watch independent reviewers to see real opinions, not the ones game developers pay for.
Though the really bad part starts when Bores reaches the flying stage and that “it has nothing to do with Sonic.” Then what do you call Sky Chase Zone in Sonic 2? In fact there were a ton of flying stages in Sonic games, though I can’t name any other specifics since I haven’t played every single one. Then he complains that the bosses life bar is too long… let’s move on before I get another brain aneurysm.
8. I can see your ego from Paris (the Guitar Hero: Van Halen review)
The GH:VH review was relatively harmless, there were some stupid jokes and he mixed up Billy Idol with Billy Joel, but it wasn’t epically bad like some other videos. However at the beginning of the video he comments that he got an early copy and follows that with “It’s about damn time I get some Irate Game clout around here.”
Chris, it wasn’t a big accomplishment to get a copy of GH:VH early. Anyone that bought Guitar Hero 5 could get a free copy, because Activision knew they screwed themselves by setting the release date for the retail copy on December 22nd.
By the way, “clout” is a type of reward. He thinks his “stellar videos” awarded him a free copy. Thus the comment about his ego.
7. There’s no Rule of Four, only bad comedy (the Kool-Aid Man review)
The Kool-Aid Man review… what should I choose? I could mention how his reviews gave no implication if the games sucked, or how his cop-out excuse of a Christmas special is Ronnie the Jew Skeleton on TV, or that the effect of Kool-Aid Man bursting through the wall was just jump-cuts and fabric. Oh I know!
Having the Kool-Aid Man burst through the wall FOUR TIMES! Once is bad enough and unnecessary, twice is verging on Family Guy territory, three times it gets really annoying and should stop, but he did it FOUR TIMES! Does he have any idea how comedy works? Oh, but we’ll get into that later.
6. The entire Watchmen review
We’ve established that Bores has horrible taste in movies, often finding bad movies to be really good. So what happens when he sees a legitimately good movie? He bashes it for the dumbest reasons.
His Watchmen review was terrible on every level. Research failure (“I never read the comics”), bad grammar (“I went and seen Watchmen on opening weekend”), and bashing another good movie (“It’s not as bad as Pulp Fiction”). But if this isn’t enough, he has the gall to say “If I directed this movie, I would put the story in linear order and cut an hour off.” Somewhere in the UK, Alan Moore is crying even harder.
5. A discontinued cereal does not qualify as a Halloween special
When it comes to Halloween, Internet reviewers can either go all-out (James Rolfe) or just make a simple video review of something Halloween related (The Cinema Snob, The Nostalgia Critic, etc.)
So when Halloween rolled around the corner what did Irate Shithead do? Make a video about cereal. …OF COURSE!
I mean really, this is the best thing you can come up with? A history behind a discontinued cereal that nobody remembers or even cares to remember? Hell when NC did his Top 11 Cereal Mascots he asked “Who the fuck even remembers Yummy Mummy?” and he went all-out with the research in this video.
By the way, the title of the video was lame. “I Rate the 80s” yeah that’s not ripping off VH1 or anything.
Side-Bar: There’s a quick thing I want to point out, and it’s all the people that spell IG’s name “iRate Gamer” as in “I Rate stuff” rather then a synonym for anger. To the people that do this, are you really that devoted that you’ll deny the biggest truth? That even his name is taken from the Angry Video Game Nerd? *sighs* Moving on.
4. RE5 isn't hard you just suck at it.
I have played Resident Evil 5, it's a step back from 4 but it's an enjoyable experience.
The Bores' review, however, was like watching the third Milla Jovovich movie after playing Resident Evil 2, a painful suffering to the mind.
But what is so bad about it? Well we have a ton of research failure (Calling the T-Virus a drug, completely getting the story wrong, calling them zombies when they're clearly NOT, and even getting the premise of "Surviving" wrong), we have unfunny jokes ("Thanks buddy I just said that", The Grimace), we have intense Pac-Man Fever (the 360 controller is off), but what is the absolute worst moment?
How about completely sucking at the game to the point of asking for an easier difficulty! RE5 is not difficult, but Bores somehow completely sucks at it. Prompting him to ask "Why couldn't the easy setting be a little more easier?" This is a surefire sign he's not a gamer, a real gamer wouldn't ask for an easier difficulty, they wouldn't ask for their hand to be held through out the game. I can't fathom how people are believing him!
3. The HAL 9000 in the Odyssey review
I would like to remind you that Bores has titled this video “History of Video Games.” As in “telling the history of video games.” Now that I got that out of the way, I’ll get to the point.
The Odyssey review was painful to the soul. Ignoring that the video is a carbon copy of the AVGN’s video, we got insane amounts of research failure, Kindergarten-grade humor, and the absolute dumbest complaints about the system.
But the one thing that pushed it over the edge, that one slow-moving ball that somehow topples the entire dominoes set, was including the HAL 9000 from 2001: A Space Odyssey.
You might be asking “What about Bores visiting the Jawa action figure?” Well, that bit transcends this list to the point that I want to pretend it never happened.
Was his mindset behind this “I’m reviewing the Odyssey, durrr I’ll put in the villain from 2001: A Space Odyssey. I’m so creative and funny.” He just shits all over the character that it ends up being a horrible reference that makes you want to stab out all knowledge of 2001. Right down to the voice, we can tell that’s you Chris you suck at impressions.
2. The Irate Gamer goes to E3.
This gets on the list since his mere presence at the show offends all my gaming sensibilities. Bores only created the Irate Gamer to make money off an idea that wasn’t even his, and when he was confronted he started lying. The lies continued to the point that he attended the Expo.
Some gamers would break their thumbs just for the chance to go to E3 (not me, I rather like my thumbs) and Bores gets to go because he’s a con artist.
The videos he makes about it aren’t any better. Calling Super Mario Galaxy 2 a movie? Calling his preview videos “reviews?” Saying he “reviewed” Star Wars: The Old Republic even though he didn’t play it?
I also blame GottGame for this, if SWAG wasn’t so blind to his incompetence then this wouldn’t happen!
And now… the number 1 worst Irate Gamer/Chris Bores moment of 2009.
1. “Someone call 911 because I was ROBbed” (from Aladdin)
You all saw this coming. You all knew this would be at the top.
The Aladdin review was bad, and it wasn’t “AVGN rip off” bad or “Failure to do Research” bad. It was bad all on its own. Even the fans hated this video, and almost every commentary I see about IG is this review.
I could have filled this entire list with moments from this video it is that bad. The Genie’s Narm-filled acting, the terrible excuse of a “plot”, the CGI snake at the end, the Abu rant that went on for WAY TOO LONG, completely missing the red diamond because he didn’t know how to use the parachute AND claiming he did know but thought it would be funnier if he didn’t, and so much more.
But no, I’m going with the moment that insulted my intelligence. Insulted my perception of reality and comedy. Offended every single sane thought in my head.
And you know the worst part? He pre-wrote that line, he put it into his script, he planned to tell that joke. Somewhere in his insane mind he thought “this is going to be perfect for my video.” Just… what the fuck?
So, that was the 11 worst IG/CB moments of 2009. Even with the lack of activity he still had a deplorable year of reviews. So, have a Happy New Year and see you in 2010.
By the way if he releases a video on the 31st that counts as 2010.