Thursday, January 14, 2010

The Time Machine that Removes Your Emotions. Plus Bores Updated

You guys demanded it so here it is, a rant of The Bores’ finest piece yet.

For a while I’ve been trying to do a rant on his y2b2006 channel but the few attempts I tried left terrible mental scars. But thanks to DLAbaoaqu and anonymous users I’ve decided to tackle only the big videos, two Mythbusters parodies and today’s subject. The former will happen at a later date.

The video can also be seen on y2b2010’s channel titled “The Time Machine.”
Since this isn’t Bores’ channel I feel comfortable linking it.

Intro: “Now for the Featured Presentation” Only in your head Bores.
Okay, so the actual title is “Back to the Past” and from the music it’s going to “parody” Back to the Future. Oh goody, we’ll see Bores, once again, fuck up basic time travel principles (excuse me, princibles).

0:18: So the film takes place July 4th 2004, meaning this was made back in 2004. You know, I’d make another comparison to James Rolfe’s body of work that year but that would be like comparing a film student with Spielberg, it’s just not fair.

0:20 - 0:44: We see Bores reading (*holds back laughter*) and comment that this project is taking “forEVer” and he needs more time. He then gets an idea on how to get all the time he needs.
Oh God The Nostalgia Critic would have a field day with this acting. Why do I get the feeling when he showed this to his friends they all gave a VERY awkward “Uh that’s a good film Chris, I don’t see anything wrong with it heh heh.”
He makes Shaq look good. In fact his acting in the Irate Gamer videos is like Pacino compared to this.

0:44 - 1:54: Here we get a montage set to Hans Zimmer or Harry Gregson-Williams music (the stuff you hear in trailers) as he writes on a plastic whiteboard, pours Windex into a beaker, looking through books, stick a fork into an electrical socket (sadly he doesn’t die, only short the lights), and finally yells “EUREKA” after this very boring montage.
By the way, I’m sending out a request for the soundtrack this song is from because I know I’ve heard it and I just want to know where.

1:55 - 2:05: Bores marvels over his invention while droning his lines out until “I can go ANYWHERE in history”. Suddenly the subtle nuances of Paris Hilton in The Hottie & The Nottie sound good about now.

2:05 - 2:37: As he decides where to go, the Good Angel Bad Devil cliché appears. Because this wasn’t already stupid the first 5000 times this has been done!

The incredibly gay Angel tells him that time travel is bad, reminding him of Back to the Future. Don’t reference the better movie here it will just make people turn this off.
The head-band wearing, tiny-forked Devil tells him to go back in time and get rich off stock options… really, that’s the best plan you can think of? Why not do what Biff did and bet on sporting events? You hold the only time machine so Michael J. Fox can’t stop you. Great I’m bringing logic into a Bores video again *slaps self*

2:38: “I know, I’ll go back to the past!” To play the shitty games that suck ass. I couldn’t let that one slide.

2:43 - 2:53: It’s special effects time! Stare in awe at the amazing 90s effects! Gasp at the shameful defaults found in old versions of iMovie! Be astounded by Bores waving his hands like an idiot as he travels through time! Watch in terror as…

2:54: WAIT A MINUTE! Look in the back as Bores gets up, the remote jump-cuts onto the TV. Come on not even Uwe Boll goes this low.

2:55 - 3:07: So Bores ends up in the year 1995. You have to love how 9 years ago he lived in the exact same apartment with the exact same furniture and decorations.

3:07 - 3:13: Suddenly he hears a voice, a young Bores comes walking ou- IT’S THE EVIL GAMER! Holy shit, is this where his evil twin came from? The past?

The Young Bores complains about his tape player not working and thinks about getting a CD player. Because CD players were such a luxury in 1995, it’s not like Compact Discs were easily acceptable since the 1980s OH WAIT THEY WERE!
By the way, listen to Young Bores voice here and listen to it after Bores explains who he is.

3:24: Time what? Porthole? God, I hate to see him review Portal.
“The cake is a lie? Well what a piece of sheeit!”

More terrible acting, I’m starting to miss Hulk Hogan.

3:50 - 4:00: Woaaaah more gnarly special effects! I totally approve of this like I approve of Rob Liefeld. Yeah he sounds like 90s Kid, I guess everyone had that stereotype of the 90s.

4:05 - 4:21: Young Bores arrives at his destination and sees Bores is still there, he only went 10 minutes into the future. Get it, Young Bores is stupid it’s funny HA!

4:22 - 4:34: Another version of Bores appears, this one wearing a tuxedo and sunglasses. No Chris, do not do a Matrix parody. I swear if you…

4:34: “Hello Mr. Anderson” FUCK YOU!

4:39: I know I criticize Bores for staring at the camera too much, but he has the back of his head to the camera. This is one first things you learn about filmmaking, if someone is talking have the camera on their face. There are exceptions to this rule but this isn’t one of them (a good exception is the first scene with Marcellus Wallace in Pulp Fiction. You only get the back of his head with a bandage on it, creating one of the most popular suitcase theories). I know I’m getting off-track but I’d rather talk about a good movie then this.

4:41 - 4:47: Agent Bores explains he’s a time cop sent from the future to arrest him. My God his acting is bad, it’s not even Narm it’s just painful. You’re making the kid from Troll 2 look good.
Also, you couldn’t do a JCVD reference? The Matrix isn’t even about time travel, you have a character that calls himself a Time Cop yet you missed one of the most obvious references? *sighs* Moving on.

This is boring, is “Manos” The Hands of Fate on somewhere?

5:06 - 5:10: *sees extremely blatant jump-cut* Why? *sighs and face palms*

5:12 - 5:30: Agent Bores hits Young Bores with… something and he starts having a seizure. Oh wait, he was asking too many questions (even though he only asked one) and placed him into a temporal flux.

5:46 - 5:55: Bores runs off and goes into the left door, Agent Bores follows and enters the right door. Wait what?

5:56 - 6:56: If this video wasn’t painful enough already, the various Bores start doing a Scooby-Doo parody set to god damn Blink-182.
This parody fails on many levels, mostly from the lack of people and doors. When Scooby-Doo does this there like 10 doors with the entire gang and the monster, sometimes a random character would appear.
Also Blink-182 sucks ass.

6:56 - 7:08: Bores finally does the (almost) logical thing and escapes into the present. Agent Bores misses and… *sighs* screams “KHAAAN!” This isn’t funny this is just painful. I love Wrath of Khan so this really hurts me.
By the way, look at the computer in the background. Keep a note of that.

The video (finally) ends with Bores relieved that he escaped but only for Agent Bores to reappear (making that Khan scream *ding* Entirely Pointless). Agent Bores takes away the remote and says “Don’t make another”. By the way, the computer in 2004 is the same computer from 1995. I know I already pointed out that inconsistency but that's just lazy.

He then tries to figure out what to do next, and settles on building a rocket ship to another galaxy hoping aliens won’t mind. Followed by a REALLY bad UFO effect and an ending card trying to imply this is a cliffhanger. Thank God this never saw a sequel because this killed more brain cells then I care to count.
Wait, wasn’t the whole point of the time machine to finish a project that was taking too long? Again I’m trying to bring logic into one of his videos so I’ll just stop.

I mean wow this was bad. I think this is the earliest Chris Bores film on the Internet and it shows that he’s barely improved. At least Doug Walker made some interesting work pre-That Guy with the Glasses.

In other news, Bores updated his site. Looks like the next episode will be another “Epic”. Here’s the copy-paste.

Hello All. Just letting you know that yes a new episode is coming soon but it'll still be about 2 weeks off since I'm releasing 2 episodes at once this time around (might release it as one episode though. I'm not sure quite yet.) This will make sense once you see the story surrounding it.

Story? Are you going to bring in the stupid Evil Gamer again? Have Ronnie show up for no reason? Kill another pop culture icon?

And I'm guessing having it in two parts will be entirely pointless, like splitting the ET video into two parts even though they came out the same day.

Well whatever it will be, I bet it’s going to suck and my fingers will be itching to tear it apart.

Monday, January 4, 2010

He's ranting about old Kool-Aid flavors. Why?

*shakes head* Are you kidding me? Do you think anyone cares about discontinued Kool-Aid flavors?

Chris, nobody cares about your stupid food rants. Nobody cares if the Lucky Charms marshmallows are different, or they got rid of the bakers on Cinnamon Toast Crunch, or they discontinued some awful fruity cereal, and most of all nobody cares about Kool-Aid flavors!

Do you even remember what those flavors tasted like? Just... why do you think people will agree with you and say "Oh yeah I can't believe they got rid of those flavors" are you that daft?

Oh, and it seems he wants to turn I Rate the 80s into the new "Breakfast Rants". Apparently for Bores the only thing that existed in the 80s was food.

He's also trying to bring back the "Breakfast is Ruined" catchphrase but for this it's "Beverages are Ruined." ... You're an idiot *downs a can of Coca-Cola*
By the way, what was with his hair? It was all spiky for some reason.

That's all I'm going to say about that stupidity, the recommended reviewers post ... I don't know when I'll finish it.

Saturday, January 2, 2010

The Lost Road Trip + Random Thoughts

Happy 2010 everyone. Well we wait for The Bores to crap out another video, I’ll analyze an old video that can only be seen at the Chris & Scottie Road Trip site (and has been mirrored to YouTube thanks to y2b2010).

I feel comfortable linking it since it doesn’t go to IG’s channel.

Like the previous Road Trip video, I’ll go location by painful location.

Home: Oh man this green screen is terrible. It makes Superman IV look realistic. I think Scottie is a worse actor then Chris, he keeps missing his cues.

Ireland: The two idiots are in front of a bar (wow that’s not stereotypical at all) and claim they’ve been drinking for 24 hours. Scottie can’t do an Irish accent and the green screen is painful. Then they start “dancing” to Irish music.
*Apologies to Irish people everywhere*

Easter Island: What the hell is with the perspective? The statues are obviously at a distance but they’re too close to them, does Easter Island turn you into a giant? Bores starts stuttering “big… heads” over and over and then we see the most predictable joke ever. Scottie finds an Easter Egg.
*Apologies to Chileans everywhere*

Florida: The two idiots visit the Everglades. What does Bores mean by “Didn’t have to go far to get to Florida” is he implying that Easter Island is close? Easter Island is in the Pacific Ocean they’re nowhere close.
Then Bores delivers a line that puts Humphrey Bogart to shame “Now Florida is most… well… known for the Everglades.” The next Robert De Niro everybody! Also, Florida is well-known for more then just that. I think people prefer the beaches, the theme parks and the warm weather, not the alligator-infested wetlands.
The scene ends with more stiff delivery and Scottie getting bitten by an alligator off-screen. Yeah that’s not funny.
*Apologies to the citizens of Florida*

Egypt: Most what place on earth? Mind-baffling? Who the fuck talks like that?
There’s a gag where Scottie loses his hat and Bores gives a description of the pyramids that amounts to “I can’t seem to read my script”. By the way, nice logo in the stock footage dumbass.
Scottie finds his hat only to find their camel crapped in it… wait what?
*Apologies to Egyptians everywhere*

Mexico: The two idiots come dancing in to La Cucaracha in front of a Taco Bell singing about tacos and burritos. Wow, Chris Bores is racist. There’s no subtly or charm it’s just straight-up stereotypes, it’s like if Michael Bay remade North. To continue the insults Scottie says “Yo quiero Taco Bell” and they start listing off stereotypical Mexican food. Then for no reason they start dancing, and Scottie wants some water. So Bores buys a bottle while a disclaimer shows up saying not to drink the water in Mexico. Do I even have to explain what’s wrong with this?
*SEVERE apologies to Mexicans everywhere*

Turkey: The two idiots are in front of the Sultan Ahmed Mosque (or Blue Mosque) as Scottie is clutching his stomach because the water in Mexico gave him week-long diarrhea (this raises far too many questions that I’ll bring up in the end). You know, I want some of that water from City 17. Maybe I’ll forget this horrible video.
The scene ends with the two of them dancing in front of a William Hung music video. I… just… guh.
*Apologies to Turkish people everywhere*

???: No really that’s what they labeled it.
They’re in front of an Arctic wasteland as Bores continues to show his “acting” chops with a performance that makes William Shatner sound natural.
Then an abrupt transition brings in footage from The Empire Strikes Back of AT-AT Walkers approaching. Yeah that’s the joke. I think Bores’ performance in Monster Party is a step UP from this. He’s even grinning as they’re “running away” scared.
*Apologies to George Lucas and Star Wars fans everywhere*

Metropolis: Oh no. They’re not going to do what I think they’re going to do.
They are. Scottie is pretending to be Clark Kent as they visit Metropolis and wonder who Superman really is (they also say it’s Clark Kent’s hometown even though anyone would tell you his hometown is Smallville. Bores claims to be a fan of comic books, yet he makes this very simple mistake). Then a woman screams and Scottie goes “flying” off. They don’t even try to make him look like Superman, they don’t even use a T-Shirt with Superman’s logo on it. This is pathetic.
Also, I did a quick search and the only two cities in the USA called Metropolis are in Nevada and Illinois. The Nevada town is a ruined ghost town and the Illinois town is the picture book definition of “Redneck Central” and they also hold an annual Superman festival.
Oh and *Apologies to DC Comics and Superman fans everywhere*

You know, there’s a lot of illogical things about these “Road Trip” videos I want to address. If they’re going around the world how come they keep wearing the same clothes? It makes sense if it was a uniform but they’re wearing street clothes, and they aren’t cartoon characters either. Plus if Scottie had diarrhea for a week then why didn’t he bring it up until now?
You know what I think? I’m overanalyzing a shitty video made by a hack filmmaker trying to get famous but only receives ridicule.

Now I want to take a few moments and address some other things that have been bothering me.

In IG’s Q*Bert review he did a pointless gag about Press Your Luck. He mentioned in the video comments that it took him hours to create the board and put it together. This goes to show he focuses WAY too much on 10 second gags then he does his own writing. Then I remembered the Nostalgia Critic’s review of Judge Dredd, there he used a Press Your Luck gag (this one made sense since Dredd set his gun to Double Whammy) and you know what the Critic used? Actual footage from the show. Yeah, he didn’t waste his time recreating the board for a 5 second reference.

This also gives a couple ideas to why his videos take so damn long. Like the custom cards in the Odyssey review he spent way too much time on a throw-away joke that has nothing to do with the subject at hand.
See, rather then use his brain and write something decent he wastes time with bullshit like this. MOVING ON!

There’s a “joke” at the end of his Monster Party review where he shouts “motherfucker” but is cut off before he could finish. This makes absolutely no sense.
Cursing Cut Short only works on shows that don’t use curse words (like Yu-Gi-Oh Abridged does CCS all the time). However, the Irate Gamer constantly drops F-Bombs so the joke doesn’t make any logical comedic sense.

Lastly I want to address the fanboys that say “I like both AVGN and IG, why can’t you?” This one I’m seeing the most lately. I have no problem liking multiple reviewers (in fact the next post will be about reviewers I recommend) but I don’t understand how you can enjoy both?
If you enjoy the AVGN then you should realize how unentertaining The Bores really is. Are your standards really that low that you’ll laugh at anything video game related? That you’ll laugh at other crappy reviewers like alexan (I’m going to separate his name so he doesn’t invade this and go apeshit, calling us all stupid and his jokes genius then make video responses saying why we're wrong) der4488, NC17 Productions, Silent Rob (long story to why I don’t like this guy), GoldenWoozie, or the countless other AVGN rip offs out there? Do you laugh at bad Let’s Players like Rijno, Cloud8745, and all the failed SomethingAwful users?

Sorry about that, I just don’t understand the logic.

So next time, I’ll turn on my cherry side and recommend good reviewers to check out. Unless Bores releases a video in the time I write it up.