Thursday, January 14, 2010

The Time Machine that Removes Your Emotions. Plus Bores Updated

You guys demanded it so here it is, a rant of The Bores’ finest piece yet.

For a while I’ve been trying to do a rant on his y2b2006 channel but the few attempts I tried left terrible mental scars. But thanks to DLAbaoaqu and anonymous users I’ve decided to tackle only the big videos, two Mythbusters parodies and today’s subject. The former will happen at a later date.

The video can also be seen on y2b2010’s channel titled “The Time Machine.”
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ddn9nOuu9kE
Since this isn’t Bores’ channel I feel comfortable linking it.

Intro: “Now for the Featured Presentation” Only in your head Bores.
Okay, so the actual title is “Back to the Past” and from the music it’s going to “parody” Back to the Future. Oh goody, we’ll see Bores, once again, fuck up basic time travel principles (excuse me, princibles).

0:18: So the film takes place July 4th 2004, meaning this was made back in 2004. You know, I’d make another comparison to James Rolfe’s body of work that year but that would be like comparing a film student with Spielberg, it’s just not fair.

0:20 - 0:44: We see Bores reading (*holds back laughter*) and comment that this project is taking “forEVer” and he needs more time. He then gets an idea on how to get all the time he needs.
Oh God The Nostalgia Critic would have a field day with this acting. Why do I get the feeling when he showed this to his friends they all gave a VERY awkward “Uh that’s a good film Chris, I don’t see anything wrong with it heh heh.”
He makes Shaq look good. In fact his acting in the Irate Gamer videos is like Pacino compared to this.

0:44 - 1:54: Here we get a montage set to Hans Zimmer or Harry Gregson-Williams music (the stuff you hear in trailers) as he writes on a plastic whiteboard, pours Windex into a beaker, looking through books, stick a fork into an electrical socket (sadly he doesn’t die, only short the lights), and finally yells “EUREKA” after this very boring montage.
By the way, I’m sending out a request for the soundtrack this song is from because I know I’ve heard it and I just want to know where.

1:55 - 2:05: Bores marvels over his invention while droning his lines out until “I can go ANYWHERE in history”. Suddenly the subtle nuances of Paris Hilton in The Hottie & The Nottie sound good about now.

2:05 - 2:37: As he decides where to go, the Good Angel Bad Devil cliché appears. Because this wasn’t already stupid the first 5000 times this has been done!

The incredibly gay Angel tells him that time travel is bad, reminding him of Back to the Future. Don’t reference the better movie here it will just make people turn this off.
The head-band wearing, tiny-forked Devil tells him to go back in time and get rich off stock options… really, that’s the best plan you can think of? Why not do what Biff did and bet on sporting events? You hold the only time machine so Michael J. Fox can’t stop you. Great I’m bringing logic into a Bores video again *slaps self*

2:38: “I know, I’ll go back to the past!” To play the shitty games that suck ass. I couldn’t let that one slide.

2:43 - 2:53: It’s special effects time! Stare in awe at the amazing 90s effects! Gasp at the shameful defaults found in old versions of iMovie! Be astounded by Bores waving his hands like an idiot as he travels through time! Watch in terror as…

2:54: WAIT A MINUTE! Look in the back as Bores gets up, the remote jump-cuts onto the TV. Come on not even Uwe Boll goes this low.

2:55 - 3:07: So Bores ends up in the year 1995. You have to love how 9 years ago he lived in the exact same apartment with the exact same furniture and decorations.

3:07 - 3:13: Suddenly he hears a voice, a young Bores comes walking ou- IT’S THE EVIL GAMER! Holy shit, is this where his evil twin came from? The past?

The Young Bores complains about his tape player not working and thinks about getting a CD player. Because CD players were such a luxury in 1995, it’s not like Compact Discs were easily acceptable since the 1980s OH WAIT THEY WERE!
By the way, listen to Young Bores voice here and listen to it after Bores explains who he is.

3:24: Time what? Porthole? God, I hate to see him review Portal.
“The cake is a lie? Well what a piece of sheeit!”

More terrible acting, I’m starting to miss Hulk Hogan.

3:50 - 4:00: Woaaaah more gnarly special effects! I totally approve of this like I approve of Rob Liefeld. Yeah he sounds like 90s Kid, I guess everyone had that stereotype of the 90s.

4:05 - 4:21: Young Bores arrives at his destination and sees Bores is still there, he only went 10 minutes into the future. Get it, Young Bores is stupid it’s funny HA!

4:22 - 4:34: Another version of Bores appears, this one wearing a tuxedo and sunglasses. No Chris, do not do a Matrix parody. I swear if you…

4:34: “Hello Mr. Anderson” FUCK YOU!

4:39: I know I criticize Bores for staring at the camera too much, but he has the back of his head to the camera. This is one first things you learn about filmmaking, if someone is talking have the camera on their face. There are exceptions to this rule but this isn’t one of them (a good exception is the first scene with Marcellus Wallace in Pulp Fiction. You only get the back of his head with a bandage on it, creating one of the most popular suitcase theories). I know I’m getting off-track but I’d rather talk about a good movie then this.

4:41 - 4:47: Agent Bores explains he’s a time cop sent from the future to arrest him. My God his acting is bad, it’s not even Narm it’s just painful. You’re making the kid from Troll 2 look good.
Also, you couldn’t do a JCVD reference? The Matrix isn’t even about time travel, you have a character that calls himself a Time Cop yet you missed one of the most obvious references? *sighs* Moving on.

This is boring, is “Manos” The Hands of Fate on somewhere?

5:06 - 5:10: *sees extremely blatant jump-cut* Why? *sighs and face palms*

5:12 - 5:30: Agent Bores hits Young Bores with… something and he starts having a seizure. Oh wait, he was asking too many questions (even though he only asked one) and placed him into a temporal flux.
SAVE ME DOCTOR WHO!

5:46 - 5:55: Bores runs off and goes into the left door, Agent Bores follows and enters the right door. Wait what?

5:56 - 6:56: If this video wasn’t painful enough already, the various Bores start doing a Scooby-Doo parody set to god damn Blink-182.
This parody fails on many levels, mostly from the lack of people and doors. When Scooby-Doo does this there like 10 doors with the entire gang and the monster, sometimes a random character would appear.
Also Blink-182 sucks ass.

6:56 - 7:08: Bores finally does the (almost) logical thing and escapes into the present. Agent Bores misses and… *sighs* screams “KHAAAN!” This isn’t funny this is just painful. I love Wrath of Khan so this really hurts me.
By the way, look at the computer in the background. Keep a note of that.

The video (finally) ends with Bores relieved that he escaped but only for Agent Bores to reappear (making that Khan scream *ding* Entirely Pointless). Agent Bores takes away the remote and says “Don’t make another”. By the way, the computer in 2004 is the same computer from 1995. I know I already pointed out that inconsistency but that's just lazy.

He then tries to figure out what to do next, and settles on building a rocket ship to another galaxy hoping aliens won’t mind. Followed by a REALLY bad UFO effect and an ending card trying to imply this is a cliffhanger. Thank God this never saw a sequel because this killed more brain cells then I care to count.
Wait, wasn’t the whole point of the time machine to finish a project that was taking too long? Again I’m trying to bring logic into one of his videos so I’ll just stop.

I mean wow this was bad. I think this is the earliest Chris Bores film on the Internet and it shows that he’s barely improved. At least Doug Walker made some interesting work pre-That Guy with the Glasses.



In other news, Bores updated his site. Looks like the next episode will be another “Epic”. Here’s the copy-paste.

1-14-10
Hello All. Just letting you know that yes a new episode is coming soon but it'll still be about 2 weeks off since I'm releasing 2 episodes at once this time around (might release it as one episode though. I'm not sure quite yet.) This will make sense once you see the story surrounding it.

Story? Are you going to bring in the stupid Evil Gamer again? Have Ronnie show up for no reason? Kill another pop culture icon?

And I'm guessing having it in two parts will be entirely pointless, like splitting the ET video into two parts even though they came out the same day.

Well whatever it will be, I bet it’s going to suck and my fingers will be itching to tear it apart.

35 comments:

  1. Why did you want me to take note of the computer?

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  2. Oops, fixed it to include why. I knew something was missing.

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  3. So, I'm guessing that since the video's promised for two weeks from now, we'll probably see it sometime around late March?

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  4. I call it!

    He's gonna trash another classic hard-as-balls game, like Gradius! That's a hard-as-balls game, but it's a very well known Konami franchise! If he does that, I'll just... nah. I can't say that here. It would be gross.

    And if not, it's gonna be that review of Pong review he was blubbering about. And if that's the case...

    Heaven help us.

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  5. That song is "Roll Tide" from the soundtrack for the movie "Crimson Tide" by the way.

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  6. Good to know that before he was ripping off the Nerd, Chris was ripping off Tiny Toon Adventures.

    Also, did people in the 90s really walk out of their bedrooms saying out loud "I sure could use a CD player"? Spouting 90s(ish) references to remind your audience that your movie is set in the 90s is a horribly lame cliche, Bores! Just because a lot of bad movies do it doesn't mean you should.

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  7. DLAbaoaqu says:

    Note that in the update, he says nothing about the story or what the episode will have.

    ReplyDelete
  8. @DLAbaoaqu

    Are you suggesting that Chis has a clue about what he is doing?

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  9. Thanks for reviewing that total disaster of a short film.

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  10. @Justin Holmes
    Sounds about right.

    Here's an interesting fact I found. On DatBoiDrew's site back when he made the Aladdin title card, he said "Look out for his new video in a couple days" and this post was made in December. What did Bores do in those two months?

    @Anon (January 14th 10:23 PM)
    I still think he has something against Capcom and Konami, most of the games he's reviewed are from those two companies.

    @Anon (January 14th 10:34 PM)
    THANK YOU! God I knew I heard that song before but I didn't know where.

    @Anon (January 14th 11:34 PM)
    I don't remember that episode, but I'll take your word for it.

    At least That 70s Show didn't go crazy with the references or people screaming "It's the 70s!"

    @DLAbaoaqu
    That's the thing, he loves to be as vague as possible. That's why his "jokes" fall flat and his statements are constantly misconstrued.
    I don't mind subtly, but Bores completely fails at it.

    @fattoler
    Well he knows... uhhh fuck what does he know?

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  11. Great to see that you actually had the patience to sit through this lame excuse for a film BatDan, I couldn't even watch it to the end because it was SOOO boring.

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  12. I don't hate Bores but when compared to all the other video game reviewers on the internet he just has ass written all over him.

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  13. @anon

    Compared the the other video Game Reviewers, Chris Bores is the worst one of the bunch.

    However after doing even more reasearch I found out something that is sure to film some shit!

    A few years before a reviewer called Angry Video Game Nerd was released in the US, and chris Bores made a few asthetic changes and copied everything!

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  14. I will give it the benefit of the doubt since they changed a few things from the original.

    Instead of a Maplestory sprite there's a Pokemon-esque pickle, and the videos come out much faster then the Irate Gamer version.

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  15. I was thinking, if IG ever gets to the Genesis in his "History of Video Games" series, he will either have to:

    1) Admit he made a mistake (it's Bores we're talking about so I really don't see that happening)
    2) Hack Wikipedia

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  16. @ Fattoler

    Don't you mean "flip some shit"?

    Oh, and Bang-a-lang! I wipe my ass with the Irate Lamer's videos.

    Too bad there's very little of them, amaright?!

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  17. @anon

    No I meant to say film some shit, because that's what Chris seems to do in most of his videos.

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  18. Bores uploaded his Gottgame DJ Hero video to his YouTube account. An interesting observations from one of the commenters:

    His shirt says "Original". Oh, the irony.

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  19. I've read through the comments, and you gotta love some of them, like this one for example:

    "Seriously shut the fuck up about the AVGN! Honestly I'm a big fan of the nerd too, but if you're going to down talk someone for doing reviews and being inspired, then FUCK OFF!! Respect the work Chris put's into his videos, he invests a lot of time and effort into his videos. Save your negative rants for someone who cares."

    Except that IG NEVER acknowledges in any of his videos that he was inspired by James Rolfe. And time and effort? You mean buying his whole video game collection off of ebay?

    But here's the one I love the most:

    "HECK AVGN and this guy met at E3."

    I call B.S. on that one. And while there's nothing wrong with other game reviewers using some of his ideas to improve theirs, there is something wrong who acts like he's original in every single way, and takes a concept, and makes it even worse.

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  20. I already made a DJ Hero rant back in November, go there to see my thoughts on it.

    @vnisanian
    Those comments you mentioned (where they rage about IG being original and that we should shut up about the AVGN) are really grating.
    I guess it's their only defense.

    Imagine if they met someone with actual criticism ... they'd just say "You have no life for watching this video". I love how they don't see the irony behind that.

    And according to Guru Larry (of ScrewAttack Europe and former friend of The Bores) they had a chance to talk at E3 but didn't.

    I'm just shocked that so many people thought "Irate Shady" was funny, do these kids even know who Eminem is?

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  21. @Batdan

    Yeah, but they sure know who SOULJIA BOY IS!!!

    Kids these days. :(

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  22. Speaking of "Irate Shady", I just thought of something. When James did that review on that awful TMNT III movie, he quoted "Help. I'm a turtle and I can't get up." as the worst line he had ever heard in the history of films, and yet he laughed at it because it was sooooooooo bad! I actually wonder that, if "Irate Shady" is such a terrible joke that people couldn't help but laugh AT it for being so god-awful. Either that, or maybe I should've kept my fucking mouth shut. :/

    "Irate Shady", more like "White Souljia Boy"!!!

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  23. I think Irate Shady is just lame. But it is a good opportunity to discuss these moments in Ig Show that are so bad you can't help but to laught at it or at least have a slight grin on your face. For me it's the "joke" from Harvey Birdman review, where he laughs at his own shitty humor and doesn't get it. It is just so ironical that I can't help myself but to laugh at him.

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  24. Is it true y2b isn't a real company?

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  25. I have a suggestion for a new irate gamer sucks fanboy rant:on his dj hero review i've been seeing comments like this:avgn SUCKSS he dosent give games a chance irate gamer gives good and vaild points on even bad games SO F**K you.

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    Replies
    1. This comment has been removed by the author.

      Delete
    2. Sorry, I misread the post and thought you were bashing AVGN/defending IG. My mistake.

      Delete
  26. (im the same guy who wrote the above comment)(sorry i had to split this in 2) y not do a fanboy rant on the above comment?

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  27. I am NOT the guy who posted the two previous comments, but allow me to make a short, simple rant about this hilarious fanboy comment:

    This is an example of a fanboy who doesn't even know how reviewing works. And now a message to that fanboy:

    Dude, you're bad. Your grammer is bad. Your argument is bad. Your freaking pets took a shit on your carpet. Your mom raised you poorly. You suck at life. The whole world hates you. You're gonna get your internet removed. Live with it. Game Over.

    Yeah, I know, too much like what the AVGN said in that Friday the 13th review.

    Oh, and if Irate Lamer bashes a good game for being too hard, THAT is not giving that game a chance what-so-ever...

    Okay, I'm done.

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  28. I'm surprised there are still comments about the AVGN on Chris Bores' videos that have nothing to do with anything James Rolfe has done, like the DJ Hero review.

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  29. "avgn SUCKSS he dosent give games a chance irate gamer gives good and vaild points on even bad games SO F**K you."

    I lol'd. How can one see that James actually tries to complete the games he playes without using a Game Genie right away.

    One comment I really like (laugh at) is one I found under the Aladdin review, it went something like this -

    "James' reviews are more story driven, while Chris focuses more on the game itself and reviews the game"

    It is hilarious how stupid this one is, especially funny is the fact that he posted it under the ALDDIN review - riiiight, no story there, no. No genies, no wise sage, no nothing.

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  30. "Story? Are you going to bring in the stupid Evil Gamer again? Have Ronnie show up for no reason? Kill another pop culture icon?"

    Maybe it's the return of Cousin Joey. It's a bit overdue, methinks.

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  31. Well, it's been over a Month and he STILL hasn't realeased the video. What the fuck is taking him so long!?

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