Oh yeah, I was supposed to get this out today. The final Contra video, sweet merciful crap.
Thankfully it’s the shortest so it will be over a lot sooner.
In the description, he claims the video went through 5 rewrites before getting released. So will we see actual effort? Haha no.
0:22 - 0:32: “Contra III was the sequel fans have been waiting for, and what a great move Konami made by calling it number III. That pretty much takes Contra Force out of the pi-chur” Wrong again Bores, Contra III came out before Contra Force. It’s not exactly “discontinuity” if it was never truly established.
Also, didn’t you “burn” the Contra Force cartridge?
0:33 - 0:45: Bores shows the opening and notes how “pissed off” they are and says “After a game like Contra Force, who can blame them?” Was there a joke in that sentence?
Again, you “burned” the cartridge last time. Is it too much to ask for a little consistency?
0:45 - 0:54: Before starting the game, Bores goes over to the option menu and sets the difficulty to Easy because “If past Contra games are any indication, this might be a good idea”.
I was going to say something, but I’ll let Armake21’s rant speak for me.
“Who, listening to this right now, has to play Contra on EASY because they can’t handle it on normal or hard? … You hear the crickets? That’s because any gamer worth their salt is NOT going to play Contra on easy, Contra on easy is a fucking joke. More so, he bitched and moaned about the other two games, he doesn’t even know what the fuck he’s talking about. He proves non-stop that he’s an ignorant motherfucker who doesn’t know half as much as he claims! He just looks pretty on camera.”
Thank you Armake, though I can’t agree with that last point *shudders*
0:55 - 1:04: He points out that instead of getting a pea-shooter, you’ll start out with the machine gun. It’s still the worst weapon, but it doesn’t matter since you don’t have to mash the fire button for any weapon, you just hold it.
1:05 - 1:16: He also brings up some of the new weapons like the Homing Missiles (or as he calls them “heat seekers”), “Flame Guns” (they’re Flamethrowers, the F in the first two were Flame Guns), and nukes. He points out that the laser has been upgraded, not that it matters because most people don’t use it.
The reason the laser “sucked” was because you suck. You didn’t know how to properly use it.
1:17 - 1:37: “Now you maybe asking yourself, is this a hard game to play? You bet your ass it is! But hey what do you expect, it‘s a Contra game.” I expect monkeys to fly out of my butt?
He also points out how Contra games follow a pattern of getting harder, saying that Super C (or as he labels it “Contra 2” oh now you’re not even trying) is harder than the first. Then says Contra III is “HARD AS FUCK!” Ugh, this is so boring!
“Even on the easy setting, there’s more shit flying at you than an exploding porta-potty” … Another botched attempt at toilet humor. Leave it to the pros Chris.
Also notice that his life count doesn’t go down every time he dies. If you want people to take you seriously Chris, don’t make things like this obvious. Especially when the footage shows you’re not even trying!
1:38 -1:48: “This game doesn’t even have any codes to help you out” Oh boo hoo, big mean Konami wants to challenge you. Wah.
Actually, the Japanese version of Contra III does have a 30 Lives code (it’s not the Konami Code though), maybe you’ll feel more comfortable playing that. Also, why not get the Wise Sage again, was Eric not available or something? I can’t blame him…
“You’re better off using a Game Genie” Durr, if I suck then that means everyone must suck.
Bores tells us that cheating is okay so we don’t “miss out” on some of these great levels. All right, let’s see your justification for cheating.
1:49 - 1:56: “You ride on motorcycles, ride on helicopters, and even climb on walls like a regular fucking Spider-Man”. I feel those levels are better earned through hard work and patience, not through digits from a cheat device.
Also, a regular Spider-Man? So there’s a special Spider-Man or is there a Spider-Man I don’t know about or is this just another instance of Bores botching a line… probably the last one.
1:56 - 2:34: “Sometimes this game can get really difficult” Do you have any other complaints other than “It’s Hard”, or any mention of the new features like holding two weapons at once?
He brings up Level 5 and that the person who made this level should be shot. Yes you can tell how much this level pisses him off by his monotone voice.
He whines about the ledges being too narrow and the “whirlpools” are annoying (it’s not a whirlpool if it’s made of sand you dumb fuck) and that he can’t navigate the latter. Use the L & R buttons, they’ll help you move through the sandtraps.
And then an unnecessary scene where Bores gets dizzy in real life while spinning through the sand. I think if video games make you dizzy, you need to see a doctor.
2:35 - 2:58: Bores brings up how there’s only 6 levels and the last stage is the alien’s lair. He encounters the first boss of Stage 6 and it’s the penultimate boss from the first game. He mentions how he loves these “nostalgic moments” and wishes he could “kep-ture” it on a postcard. Gee, that sounds like a set-up for a bad joke.
*postcard appears with Bores next to the alien with the caption “Wish You Were Here”* Fuck me this is dumb.
2:59 - 3:28: Bores continues on and notices the next boss is the final boss from the first Contra, and the boss after that is the final boss from Super C. He mentions this “trip down memory lane is wearing itself thin”. I thought you loved these nostalgic moments?
He notes how the final boss is just a rehash of a boss from Super C, asking if they ran out of ideas. *sighs* Where do I begin?
One, that’s only the final bosses’ first form. He has a much harder form that looks like a brain (and on Hard Mode a third form with spiked tentacles).
Two, this is meant to be the final battle with Red Falcon, the alien force from the first two games. They haven’t appeared in a single game since (not even Contra 4).
Three, Konami does this all the time it’s not a big deal.
Take Castlevania: Symphony of the Night, there’s so many references to the previous Castlevania titles. The first actual boss (Richter vs. Dracula doesn’t count) is Gaibon and Slogra, two of the last bosses from Super Castlevania IV. In the Inverted Castle you fight Fake Trevor, Fake Sypha, and Fake Grant, Alucard’s allies in Castlevania III. You have to beat the Inverted Castle by getting the parts of Dracula, you get them by fighting the giant bat (Darkwing Bat), the Medusa, the mummy (Akmodan II), Frankenstein’s Monster (The Creature), and Death, the first five bosses from the original Castlevania. Plus, collecting the parts of Dracula was the plot to Castlevania II: Simon's Quest The game’s bonus boss Galamoth is a tougher version of the final boss from Kid Dracula on the Game Boy
Rondo of Blood does something similar. Stage 6 is nothing but a Boss Rush with the priest Shaft summoning the first four bosses from the original Castlevania. That’s not getting into all the times you fight Death in the series.
Woah, went off on a tangent there. I think Bores beat the game.
3:29 - 4:12: Yes he did. He whines that instead of getting a well-deserved ending (you cheated, you shouldn’t get a damn thing) we get a screen of text telling us to try the normal mode. Then Bores tries to act Irate but only sounds like a pussy.
He bitches that he wasted his time and he has to do it all over again. It’s not a waste of time if it’s a good game, you’re making it sound like Contra III sucks (then again, to Chris Bores all games are bad). Then he says beating it on Normal is still a waste because we get a similar screen of text telling us to beat the Hard Mode.
4:13 - 4:27: Bores claims he’ll even accept an ending that says “You just wasted your time playing this game. Now go fuck yourself you gaming asshole.”
Really Bores, you’re stealing this bit again?
“Congratulations! You had the patience to sit through this awful game. You proved your nerdiness. Now go fuck yourself!”
It’s bad enough you did it in the Where’s Waldo video, but here it’s much worse. You stole the joke when you were under heavy fire for plagiarism (compared to when you made your second video and nobody knew who you were) and you applied it to a GREAT GAME! Contra III doesn’t suck, you suck because you’re a whiny punk-ass bitch! Most of your complaints don’t sound angry, irate, or pissed off, they sound like you’re whining that things aren’t going your way. Even if this is “satire” it’s terrible satire and you should be ashamed!
Let’s just finish this.
4:27 - 4:54: Bores brings up the only way to beat the game is to beat it on the hardest setting (we just got through this) and the ending is nothing memorable. Making all your complaints about them entirely pointless! This video is already short, did you really have to pad it with your endless bitching? In fact, everything from 3:29 until 4:54 could have been cut.
I feel like I should take IG’s videos, edit out all the pointless complaints, montages, scenes, etc. and show just how short his videos really are without the padding.
4:55 - 5:12: IG tells us there were plenty of other Contra games, noting Operation C on Game Boy (good), Contra: Legacy of War on Playstation (sucks), and Contra: Hard Corps on Genesis (good). No he doesn’t actual name drop the titles, just shows the cover and the system they were on.
Only one game is worthy of being called Contra 4, thus starting his review of it (well it does say in the title he’s reviewing Contra 3 and 4).
5:13 - 5:21: So he introduces the game, saying it takes people back. Okay, how’s the gameplay?
5:22: “Well, I’m done reviewing Contra games..” Wait what? That’s all we get of Contra 4? That’s not a review, that’s not a review at all! That doesn’t even come close to a review.
I know Spoony has made a few 5 second reviews, but those were funny. This wasn’t funny, in fact there was nothing to set up there was supposed to be humor!
You shouldn’t even put Contra 4 in the title because you didn’t review it! This is worse than your TMNT III review, at least that had more than one line!
The video ends with Bores claiming he’s done with Contra and is tired of seeing aliens. “Let’s just go back to some old school video games” *tips head sideways* I thought you were already doing that? Contra isn’t new, it’s total old school.
Bores starts playing Simon’s Quest (you can hear the town music). Actually this scene confuses me, he starts pressing buttons on his controller and the music turns on. So his controller can change his TV’s volume? And yeah, unrealistic “Winter Games” action. You’re in a town, you don’t need to do that!
But that’s not all, Bores hears something outside and sees it’s the aliens from Space Invaders. Oh good, we’re ripping off Futurama now. Fuck this review.
The user “FINbrutal1ty” has a theory that Bores got the idea for a Contra trilogy from the AVGN’s Ghostbusters trilogy. In the first video, both reviewed an NES game. In the second video, both reviewed other games in the franchise. In the third video, both reviewed a 16-bit game. While it is an interesting theory, it’s a little out there.
So yeah, his Contra trilogy was a load of shit. Continuing to show that he has no clue what he’s talking about.
There was a Bloopers video released for the Contra trilogy, and it shows that Chris Bores can even screw up an outtakes video. Most of them are Bores pausing, stuttering, or giggling. Not a single one is funny. How does this happen?
So that’s all for now. Next redux recap is Battalion Wars II (once I feel like writing it).