Tuesday, November 30, 2010

Castlevania: Concerto of Idiotic Complaints

Bores has given us a strange variety of Halloween episodes. His first bashed a classic SNES gem, the second brought us the transition to unfunny sketch comedy and Bores N Doors, and the third talked about a cereal that nobody cares about (along with an updated version of the first special).

This year he doesn’t talk about food but instead a modern game. Here’s his review of Castlevania: Harmony of Despair.

Original Release: October 29th 2010 (just for context).
0:12 - 0:22: One stock night-sky later, Bores tells us he’s reviewing the “newest” game in the Castlevania franchise. There’s a problem already. At the time of this video’s release, the newest Castlevania was Lords of Shadow. Maybe if Chris wasn’t such a lazy idiot he would know this. Maybe say “one of the newest” because it did come out this year, but THE newest is incorrect.
He also pretends to hold the game by imposing the “box” art onto the screen. How sad is it that I’ve seen parodies do this?
Oh and Chris is sporting a beard now. Just thought I’d bring this up.

0:23 - 0:36: He informs us this game is only available on Xbox Live. True.
“So if you don’t have an Xbox, an Internet connection or even 800 Microsoft Points, then odds are you won’t be playing this one.” Wow, thanks for over-explaining it Chris! I’m sure all the people that have never touched a controller are thanking you.
By the way, he got the price wrong. Harmony of Despair costs 1200 MS Points not 800. That’s a $5 dollar difference!

0:37 - 0:49: Chris starts talking about the characters.
“You have sex characters to choose from” WHOA! Keep your fan fiction out of the videos! I know, I know he said six but that’s incorrect. HoD was released with five characters, Alucard (III: Dracula’s Curse, Symphony of the Night, and Aria/Dawn of Sorrow), Soma Cruz (Aria/Dawn of Sorrow), Jonathan Morris (Portrait of Ruin), Charlotte Aulin (Portrait of Ruin) and Shanoa (Order of Ecclesia). You can play up to six players online though.

He goes on to say how each one is different and that his personal favorite is Shanoa. Okay, why do you like Shanoa? Did you like her game? Pffft, hahaha that can’t be it. I think I know why but I’m going to move on before I shudder in disgust.

0:50 - 1:02: “The graphics are a great throwback to the original” The original what? You can’t mean the original Castlevania, because these are not 8-bit graphics. Also, STOP CALLING EVERYTHING A THROWBACK!
“You’ll even find a few classic enemies hanging around the castle” … Congratulations you’re a moron!
Chris, the Mermen have been in almost every Castlevania game. If you’re claiming to be a gamer, you should be familiar with the idea of recurring enemies.
Like Goombas and Koopa Troopas in Mario, Shriekbats and Zoomers in Metroid (along with the titular parasite), Malboros and Imps/Goblins in Final Fantasy. How fucking stupid do you have to be to not understand this? Castlevania has Bats, Skeletons, Mermen, Death, Frankenstien’s Monster, and much more in almost every game! You’re not actually a Castlevania fan are you?

1:03 - 1:33: Chris elaborates on the zooming-in feature, neglecting to mention how its main purpose is for multiplayer. He also brings up level 3 and how the boss’ size takes up half the stage (ah yes, that’s Menace the Final Boss of Dawn of Sorrow).
“Holy ballsack Batman! Talk about epic!”

He also says there’s only six stages and some are challenging.

1:34 - 1:46: We cut to Bores “Winter Gaming” as he directs his attention to multiplayer.
“If you have an Xbox Live Gold membership…” You’re over-explaining again!

1:47 - 2:43: He explains that one upside to multiplayer is that it makes the castles easier to explore (good point) but then he gets into the downsides. He whines that having more players makes things too easy, and that everyone else online was at a higher level than he was. My God, so much stupid it burns!
I imagine he’d play Modern Warfare and whine that everyone else is at a higher level (likely his excuse for sucking at the game).
Every video he shows he has no clue what he’s talking about.

Well Chris, if it’s too easy for you then try the Hard Mode. Then again you’d complain about that as well.

2:44 - 3:09: Chris mentions his interview with the Konami rep at E3 (ugh) and how he said there would be unlockable characters. He then tells us there were no unlockable characters and he was lied to. Oh boo hoo, someone at E3 lied to you. That is such a rare occurrence and you must feel special.
Either that or the rep meant “downloadable” characters because as of this writing you can download Julius Belmont (Aria/Dawn of Sorrow) and Yoko Belnades (Aria/Dawn of Sorrow). Plus there’s plans to release Maria Renard (Rondo of Blood/Symphony of the Night) as well.
He expresses his disappointment because he wanted to play as Simon Belmont, and as he says his name he holds up his handmade sprite. “GUYS GUYS I’M A GAMER REALLY! Come on guys believe me! If I show you this sprite thingy will you believe me?”

3:10 - 3:26: “It makes me angry that these new games don’t contain the main character from the original Castlevania” … What?
He goes on to complain that with each new installment, Simon Belmont isn’t the main character. … Well that answers my question from earlier. You are definitely not a Castlevania fan.

Castlevania games are generational. Each takes place over a different time period, during which Simon hasn’t been born yet or has been dead for years! He can’t be in every game! This isn’t even a new tradition, Castlevania III takes place over 200 years before the original. You only want Simon because all your knowledge of Castlevania and video games comes from Captain N. Guess what asshole, that depiction of Simon was horrible!

3:27 - 3:34: “If Nintendo can bring back classic games like Kid Icarus and Donkey Kong, you can easily bring back Simon Belmont!” NOT EVERY COMPANY IS NINTENDO! Gah! This is beyond retarded!
Oh, and nice job getting Pit’s name wrong again. You really are a big Kid Icarus fan.

So the video ends with IG giving his verdict. He says if they add more castles, improve the leveling system, and fix multiplayer then the game will be better. How should they improve the leveling system? This is the first time you brought it up. Explain this!
I love how he says “if they can fix these things” like final products can easily be fixed. Well, your first problem has been solved since there’s a seventh castle available as DLC.

This video was retarded! Clearly, Bores is not a Castlevania fan and any attempt to prove otherwise creates contradictions to that claim.

Speaking of Castlevania, I’ll take this time to bring up James Rolfe’s first impressions of the actual newest Castlevania game, Lords of Shadow. I’m addressing this since he does things right that Bores always gets wrong.
1. James is not in character. You’ve seen the difference between James Rolfe and his character The Angry Video Game Nerd, they’re nothing alike. So James did this video as himself.
2. This is not a review. James outright says this is not a review, but first impressions of the two hours he’s played so far. Going on to say that by the time he does finish it, the game will no longer be new.
3. Admitting he sucks at the game. James mentions that he put the game on Easy because he sucks at the game, and he doesn’t blame the game for being too hard.
4. Comparisons that make sense. I’m aware people have compared this game to God of War and Shadow of the Colossus. The God of War complaints are unjustified as hack n’ slash has been around long before 2005 *cough* Devil May Cry *cough*, though the SotC comparisons make sense. Sorry, tangent. Since James doesn’t play too many modern games, I’m not surprised he didn’t make the connection. I am surprised that he compared the QTE’s to the Seals in Dawn of Sorrow. See, that makes sense. A lot more than “Portrait of Ruin reminds me of Diablo because you explore different areas and level up your characters”.

Once again, James Rolfe has shown he is far better than Bores. Of course, that's not much of an accomplishment.

Well, that’s all for now. I have to go find Terra and Mog.

Saturday, November 27, 2010

Some Late Video About The New 360

During Microsoft’s disastrous press conference at E3 2010 they announced a new Xbox 360 design. While this wasn’t exactly new thanks to Internet leaks, the shocking part was that they pulled a Sega Saturn and revealed it would be in stores this very week (plus MS went all Oprah and gave everyone attending the new 360 for free).

Hearing about this, Chris Bores decided to compare the two for the Internet… four months later. Seriously, there was probably 30 articles and 14 videos within the week it came out, I don’t see how this will help people. Let’s get this out of the way then, here’s IG’s Xbox 360 Comparsion video.

0:01 - 0:15: We start with a cold opening with Bores saying that “some of us” might have noticed a new Xbox 360 out. I’ve always hated that condescending tone, thinking that the people watching his videos are morons. Oh wait, he does think that.

Intro: Like the regular show, IG Neo also has a new intro. The logo appears over a space backdrop and that’s it. Once again no theme song. Like the other new logo, this one is bland and lazy.

0:21 - 0:28: “The new Xbox 360’s are out” Yes, they have been out since June. “The first thing you’ll notice is that the console is now black” Black 360s have been around for 3 years, you just had to upgrade to the Elite model.

0:28 - 0:38: He mentions how it’s smaller and there are two major upgrades. The first is that it runs quieter than the original. Can you explain how this helps other than being noisy?

0:39 - 0:42: The second is an input for Kinect. Oh wait, I mean “Kinnetics”. Seriously? You got the name wrong! It’s not “Kinnetics” it’s Kinect. You were at E3, why didn’t you notice this? It’s like how people call it the Wii Remote IN FRONT OF HIM and he still calls it the Wii Joystick. He seems to think he’s always right no matter what the facts say.

0:43 - 0:47: “And thirdly…” Stop! Earlier you said there were “two” upgrades. Now you’re adding a third one. Plot holes make everything better!
Oh yeah the third upgrade. The new model runs off its own wi-fi, apparently it does this through radar circles.

0:48 - 0:56: He tells us the reason he stopped playing his 360 is because it didn’t have Wi-Fi, but the PS3 did. Actually, there were two ways to get online. You could connect your 360 to your computer, or you could buy a little dongly device for $100 dollars. Don’t pretend it’s too expensive, I’ve seen the shit you bought.
If you really did care about going online that much, you could have done research on this. Oh wait, research is for losers.

0:57 - 1:09: However, Bores claims he feels gypped because he still has to pay a subscription fee to play online.
I never understood why people complained about this so much. It’s just one $60 dollar (used to be $50, thank you Activision) fee for an entire year. You can hold off buying that brand new game in order to renew your account. It just seems like ammunition from Sony fanboys.

1:10 - 1:39: He then goes to the subject of data transfer as he recycles that scene from his Odyssey video where he has trouble with the connection cables. You can’t even call it a running gag, because there’s no humor to it. He goes on complain about needing a transfer cable for $20 dollars. *gasps* Oh the horror. Suck it up!
The way he’s bashing the 360 it doesn’t surprise me that his little fans are Sony fan boys *cough* AnarchyBalsac *cough*
“What a bunch of BS” Bullshit Bores, you‘re 31 years old. LadyBuggin won’t get the soap if you say bullshit.

1:40 - 1:57: IG’s verdict is no. Unless you want to play Kinect (I refuse to use his retard word) or need a Wi-Fi console (dongly thing Chris) then you’re wasting money.
You don’t seem aware of the Red Ring of Death Chris, or the 360’s many other problems. What if someone got the Red Ring and their system was out of warranty? They’d get this new one which greatly reduces the chance of that happening. My 360 won’t work, the video card is busted. Because it’s out of warranty, I’m looking to get a new one.

You’re forgetting the 360 breaks easily!

1:58 - 2:18: Bores leaves us with one last thought (not addressing any of the technical issues, shocking). He says the old 360 came with a card for a free month of Live, the new one doesn’t. So? You still get the free month. So what if you don’t get a card to tell you this? Are you that stupid?

The video ends with bonus bloopers that weren’t in the GotGame version. Don’t care, video is over.

Just a generic, boring video from IG. Some major mistakes as usual, but overall it just put me to sleep. Still, doing nothing to address technical issues is a big problem. Then again he always overlooks that, like neglecting to mention battery life in that handheld Famiclone that Think Geek doesn’t sell anymore. No really, check their site, they don’t sell that model anymore.

Since this video wasn’t as painful as the Spot one, I’ll get the next recap out a little faster.

Friday, November 19, 2010

Fifteen Minutes of Carbonated Lemon-Lime Agony

This is going to be a tough one. IG’s first retro review since March and boy does it hurt. Bores stated he was ultra-proud of this one because it’s the first video be in HD. Hooray, now his face will be redder and greasier. But first, some things I need to address.

The last History of Video Games was incredibly stupid. We know this. Along with getting multiple things wrong as usual (claiming Bushnell seeing the Odyssey was only a legend, “Al Acorn”, neglecting Kee Games), he lied about getting never-before-seen footage as four of the games were located on this channel
and the other two were recreated poorly by Bores.
Plus, he stole from CNBC. Thanks to vicviper592, we learned that he stole b-roll from “Game On, The Unauthorized History of Video Games”. Thanks to FFL2and3rocks for putting this picture together
You can view the entire documentary here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9tOOhITaGNs It’s far better than anything that damn hack puts out.

The second issue I wish to address is Bores hyping up the subject of this recap. The months preceding this video we’ve heard the following statements.
“This episode will take my show into another level”
“Being in HD will increase my creativity”
“The next review will change everything”
“This will be the greatest IG episode ever” and so on.
So yes you can tell Bores was really hyping this episode. But Daniel, he always hypes his upcoming episodes as “epic” and “amazing”, why is this any different?

Well, his idea that High Definition will somehow make him more creative is a load of crap. It’s like James Cameron with Avatar, a 230 million+ dollar budget and state-of-the-art 3D effects will not cover up an unoriginal, cliché-ridden mess of a story. The same applies here with Bores, he can dream that HD will make him better but that won’t fix his hackneyed writing and awful ideas.
As for this video changing everything? We’ll see…

The third issue involves the Third Rate Gamer. Remember when Bores released his Kool-Aid Man video? That dumbass video where he used the same joke FOUR TIMES, told us nothing about the games, and had the laziest wall-breaking effect ever put on video? Yeah that really sucked. A month later, FFL2and3rocks did a follow-up parody video covering Cool Spot on the SNES. He parodied the mascot showing up over and over (using a sprite from the game), his forced anger towards his own writing, the dumber bits from the video (notably the unnecessary use of the Sonic the Hedgehog drowning music) and Bores’ follow-up video about Kool-Aid flavors where Chris shows that his knowledge of the economy and the business world is similar to his knowledge of video games (which is non-existent).

Then, 10 months later. Bores released the trailer for his next video, 7-Up Spot. The detractors had a field day with this one. Soon, people wondered what jokes Bores would steal from the Third-Rate Gamer. Honestly, their accusations were justified as Bores has stolen from a parody before. *points to IGSRJ’s Monster Party video*.

Here’s the Third Rate Gamers’ video for those that haven’t seen it: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4jLz7S4aY_Q

Now with all that business out of the way, let’s start the actual video. *sighs*
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g7FfV11DATI Follow along

0:00 - 1:29: So the video starts with a LONG cold opening at the Castle of Evil (provided by Google Images). Oh God it’s going to be one of these episodes.
The Evil Gamer awakens an all new character that we’ve never seen. That’s right another villain and it turns out this one is his master. Actually it’s just Bores in Shadowrama since he’s too stupid to get another actor, or fix his hair so it isn’t blatantly obvious that it’s him.

Evil Gamer tells Shadow Overlord (yes that is his name, disgustingly cliché) that they’re close to locating an artifact, followed by Shadow Bores expositing about how he’s trapped in a mirrored prison and once he’s unleashed he’ll take over the world.

Bores in the Mirror then wants to know if the Irate Gamer has been dealt with, however he hasn’t. Dark Bores then asks “I thought you hired a bunch of idiots and trolls to fill his video with hate spam?” Oh my god are you serious? EG then insults the “haters” by saying we can’t make a peanut butter and jelly sandwich without ruining it.

That’s your best insult towards us Bores, we lack the motor skills to make a sandwich? Your insult skills are as effective as your green-screen skills, splotchy and laughable. Maybe you could actually address this problem? Instead of denying it exists and then pretending that your evil twin sent us to make fun of you. Sad thing is that his fans actually use this insult (then again they’re all 12 so I’m not too shocked).

Shadow Overlord then tells his minion to set their next plan in motion, Evil Gamer then explains what the plan is… Chris have you ever heard of dramatic tension? Don’t outright explain everything in the beginning, people will lose incentive to watch your video.
Oh yeah the plan. EG sneaks in and steals his Magnavox Odyssey, apparently it’s a special one-of-a-kind edition that only he has. Ah yes the Odyssey that can sing show tunes, only one exists because Magnavox thought it was silly. Sadly, my idea is better than the one Bores crapped out.

Evil Gamer leaves while Shadow Overlord delivers the absolute worst evil laugh, showing that Bores still can’t act. You would think he’d spend all this time he has NOT making videos and invest in learning how to act. I say this because I don’t know if he has a real job, he never says if he does.

1:29 - 1:35: IG shows off his new logo, which is somehow worse than his old one. I didn’t think that was possible. It’s just so bland. He also accompanies it with a slower version of Blind Pass. Is this our new theme Chris? It’s the same one only slower.

1:36 - 1:49: Chris opens his part calling us “gaming gurus”. Strange choice of words… no it was to set up this horribly unfunny gag! Goro from Mortal Kombat barges in and asks if he called for him, Bores tells him he said “gurus” not “Goro”, prompting him to leave. Where the hell in your tiny brain did you think guru sounded like Goro? That doesn’t make sense! Apparently, Goro is his new neighbor. Why would the penultimate boss from the first Mortal Kombat live in Ohio?

1:50 - 2:08: So the actual review portion starts with Bores giving a BRIEF history (seriously it’s not even one full line) before showing that he’ll review the Spot the Video Game on the NES. I guess he didn’t say much so people wouldn’t call him out on research failure. Then why is he still doing History of Video Games?

2:09 - 2:38: Bores starts playing the game and after some bad reaction shots asks what the hell this is, complaining it’s not a video game. You’re playing it on the NES with a controller, I think that means it’s a video game.
He then compares the game to Othello, noting there’s also a video game version and it’s cheaper to get the board game (listing the price of the NES game as $29.99. Well that’s strange because a quick look on eBay shows I can get the game factory-sealed for $14.99 not including shipping).
Spot The Video Game is based off Ataxx not Othello, a quick look at Wikipedia will tell you this.

2:39 - 2:47: He then complains that if you put “video game” in the title then there should be some side scrolling action. … wow, that just happened.
Not every video game is a side-scrolling platformer! Why are you complaining about this? Are you going to complain that the Monopoly video game is just an electronic version of the board game and not Uncle Pennybags jumping around and killing thimbles & shoes?

2:47 - 2:53: We then get a pointless scene with Bores yelling at a sprite of Spot. You’re not even trying to hide that you stole this “joke” are you? At least when the Third-Rate Gamer did it, he was making fun of it and how it’s an unfunny idea.

2:54 - 3:13: IG continues whining that it’s not a video game (notice the strange dot when he shops “board” on the screen) and then goes on to explain how it works. Nothing wrong here, just boring dialogue.

3:13 - 3:29: He also brings up that the game supports four players. He takes out his Four Score and plugs in three regular controllers and one turbo controller. Then tells us to get three friends for “a battle of wits”. However he plays with three Spot sprites because he doesn’t have friends (at least friends that are willing to appear in his videos).

3:30 - 3:57: Commence a padding montage! Ugggggh. Yes another montage, Bores really loves these things. Even when the game in question doesn’t call for one. I don’t understand why he constantly uses montages, he’s not on TV, there’s no limit to how short or long his videos can be. There’s no point!

I mentioned Bores plugging in three regular controllers and one turbo controller. Yet in the montage the turbo controller is missing. Bores uses a regular one, the Spot next to him uses a regular one, and the Spots on the ground use regular ones. Do you even pay attention to what you’re doing? For someone so obsessed with story continuity you really can’t keep simple scenes straight.
I’ll give him credit in that, unlike previous montages, he doesn’t shake his controller like a jackass.
So Bores loses, evidenced by text that he obviously edited in. Though I don’t understand why it says “Player One Defeated” when the other two clearly lost. So why didn’t it say “Player Four Wins”? Is Bores that selfish? It’d be like playing any Super Smash Bros and instead of announcing the winner it will say “the loser is one of the other three!”
Bores ends the review calling the game stupid.

3:57 - 4:56: Suddenly a knock at the door! He goes to answer it and the camera focuses on a certain spot. Why Bores, I didn’t think you were this kind! Giving us all new material for Bores N Doors! Sadly the material here is nowhere near as exploitable as the Monster Party video, I’ve only seen one BnD with the new footage and it wasn’t very good.

On the other side of the door is the Evil Gamer pretending to be a pizza delivery man, complete with bad Italian accent, which sounds more like a bad French accent, and fake handlebar mustache. Paper-Thin Gamer says he’s giving away a free pizza for a Magnavox Odyssey. Yes the pizza’s free if you give me something in return. *slams head on desk*

Bores says he has one and picks it up off the floor. Why was it on the floor? Bores realizes who the delivery man is and rips off his mustache. I should point out the horrendous editing error here. Bores reaches out with his right hand, and tears off his mustache with his left. You don’t have to be a film expert to see these gaping inconsistencies. It’s almost like he’s doing this on purpose. EG then threatens to pound him if he doesn‘t get it. Wow beating him up, that sure is scary. You could threaten to kill him, stab him, use a bad special effect to blow his head up, but I’m sure beating him up works just as well. IG taunts him and sticks his tongue out as he goes back inside, real mature Chris.
Evil Gamer won’t take this and yells at him to fight like a man, and since it was SOOOO funny the first time Goro believes the message is for him and appears. Since Bores is too lazy to make a fight scene, EG runs off scared. I’m starting to think the “evil” part is in name only.

Two major problems here. Bores wouldn’t give his Odyssey to his Evil Twin yet he’s perfectly willing to give it to a random stranger. Ash Ketchum wasn’t this stupid!
Also, where does Bores live? I’m serious. Does he live in an apartment building because there’s a door with “B2” on the other side and Goro “lives” next door. Yet, all the exterior shots of his house show a single family home; not an apartment building. Ugh, I’m only five minutes into this wreck.

4:57 - 5:40: IG moves on to the second game, Spot the Cool Adventure on Game Boy. He says this is better but it’s still not a good game. Of course every game is bad in the world of Chris Bores. He doesn’t understand why you have to collect spots. They’re like coins or rings or any collectable where collecting 100 will net you an extra life. How’s that hard to understand?
I don’t see why you’re complaining this looks exactly like M.C. Kids. Actually, it is M.C. Kids! In Europe, M.C. Kids (or McDonald Land) received a Game Boy version. This was altered in the USA and Japan to a 7-Up Spot game. You know the game exists Chris, you stole from The Nerd’s video on it, you referenced it once. Oh that’s right you don’t play video games.
Bores then complains about a platform in the third stage that he can’t reach. Pick up the block, put it near the platform, jump onto the block, then onto the platform. Basic Gaming 101, and thus more proof Bores isn’t a gamer.

5:41 - 5:54: WOW that is nowhere near convincing. He imposed the Super Game Boy footage onto his Game Boy. I don’t recall the original Game Boy being able to play games in color. I’m also surprised he’s able to play it without turning it on, it’s no wonder he’s having trouble with it. You have to turn things on if you want them to work!

Bores then complains that the game sucks (shocker) causing Spot sprite next to him to cry. He tells it to grow-up. *sniff sniff* The room stinks of hypocrisy again. I’ll go open a window.

5:55 - 6:09: IG starts to review Cool Spot. He mentions that it’s available on the Genesis and SNES, however since the SNES version has more levels he’ll look at that one. That sounds vaguely similar to TRG’s joke about not wanting to do a Genesis game in his Cool Spot review.

6:10 - 6:41: Here he explains how the game works. To get past a level you must collect Spot coins until you have 30% (remember this). If you want a Bonus Level collect 75% (and to make sure we get this he adds a little bit of text) and getting 100% nets you an extra life (with more text, this is worse than the green circles).
He then complains that some are hard to get and doesn’t understand the purpose to collecting them (YOU JUST SAID IT!) so unless they get him laid then he’ll ignore them. … No comment.

6:42 - 6:57: He comments that completing the level will have the Spots do an annoying dance. I am sure the Spots dance for that long, it totally doesn’t look like you’re looping the footage.

6:58 - 7:18: Here he explains how the bonus stages work. Now we’re getting boring.

7:19 - 7:48: Bores then talks about some of the levels in the game. He gives special attention to a train ride that gives him “vertigo” (You can’t get vertigo this way! If you do, then you shouldn’t be playing videos games, you should go to the doctor!) and this prompts a joke where he vomits into a trash can. You’re recycling jokes now? You did the exact same thing in the Contra III video, only you fell over instead of vomited.

7:49 - 8:09: He also points a level where if you fall off the ledge you start at the beginning of level, whining that you have to waste time to get back up there. … AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA *slaps self* Do you have any idea what challenge is? No wait, you don’t.
He then gets on his soapbox and wonders why developers keep making these levels. They still make these kinds of levels? Aren’t we in an age of 3D gaming where this design is rare?

Bores then says everybody hates these levels. I don’t hate them, I can find them annoying but I don’t hate them (at least compared to sewer levels). Would you prefer dying if you fall off a ledge just like Castlevania? Oh wait, you’ll complain that happens. Once again we’re moving from “Irate Gamer” to “Unpleasable Fuckwad”.

8:10 - 9:19: But no time for explaining that retarded remark, we’ve got more unfunny sketch comedy! Chris hears another knock and it’s Evil Gamer wearing sunglasses and a lab coat… interesting combination? I guess he couldn’t find goggles. Why yes I am accusing him for stealing the idea of Dr. Insano.
Irate Insano tells him they’re giving away free Xbox 360’s outside, Bores being the gullible idiot falls for it. Even though he already has a 360, and judging from the upcoming comparison video (spoilers) he has two. Then again, I’m questioning the logic of a man that almost gave away his rare early 70’s console for a pizza.

Bores goes in front of his green-scr- I mean OUTSIDE where there’s a large fence and unnatural looking sky. He realizes there’s no Xbox’s and is greeted by Wilson from Home Improvement (oh good, bringing back one-joke characters from past shitty reviews… again), but for some reason he calls him Wilkins. Why? Did Touchstone threaten to sue if you used Wilson? Did you actually forget the character’s name? Are you trying to claim that “Wilkins” is an original character? I hope that one isn’t true, otherwise Chris is no better than a fanfic writer that can’t create original characters so they take an existing one and slightly alter him… so 80% of deviantART.

IG realizes there’s no free Xbox’s and then notices a teddy bear, he picks it up and turns into Statue Mario from Super Mario Bros. 3 (or Ksitigarbha). So that was the Tanooki Suit? Why isn’t he wearing the Tanooki Suit then, why did it just turn him into stone? This makes no fucking sense!
By the way, nice late reaction there “Wilkins”. You’re like Slowpoke.

Evil Gamer walks off with the Odyssey, that was pathetically easy and stupid. Bores turns back to normal and returns to the game. Uggggh, these sketches are horrid.

9:19 - 9:34: IG reaches the last level (if this is the end why is there still 5 minutes left?) and when he gets to the cage you’ll notice something is off. Remember that he said you need 30% to unlock the cage at the end. Then why is his Cool Meter only at 29%? Hmmm, cheating again Bores? Couldn’t go one single video without tapping into that little Game Genie.

9:35 - 10:01: IG listens to the Spots jump again and asks “could there be a more annoying mascot?”
Then… *crash* OH YEAH!
Oh fuck you! No! No! No! You can’t do that!
You can’t try to establish some sort of continuity between your videos and then bring things back to life for absolutely no reason! You are a hack Chris Bores! An unoriginal, boring, beyond fucked up hack!
*regains composure* IG tells Kool-Aid Man to go away (I’m getting déjà vu here) and apparently he can say “I know” now. Oh goody, you’ve learned he can say other words. He then tells the Spot to shut up and attempts to look intimating by growling at the camera. Grr I’m irate… ugggggh less than 5 minutes.

10:02 - 10:32: So he beats the game and wants his “well-deserved ending” (why do you keep calling them that?) and sees it’s another “beat the game on hard and collect all the items for the real ending” ending. As usual he cries about it, but unlike the other times he decides to keep this complaining short. Then “Wilkins” and his wagon fence and Goro join Kool-Aid Man & Spot as his cheering squad. Why do I get the feeling this is a dream he had as a kid? A bunch of characters from TV shows/commercials (and one video game) cheering him on for something.

10:32 - 11:30: Commence another god damn montage! These are pointless!
Highlights include the return of his Pac-Man Fever (I knew he couldn’t resist shaking the controller like a jackass), Kool-Aid Man punching the air (sure why not?), Bores drinking… shampoo? How does that help? An even worse bit of Pac-Man Fever as he button-mashes the controller with one hand and reads a Nintendo Power in the other. Plus plenty of forced reaction shots.

11:30 - 12:03: Despite his claim that he’s on the last level, he uses the exact same screen he did before (29% on the Cool Meter). Laaaaaaazy.
So in a shot clearly made to show he’s in HD and Widescreen (complete with cameo from the Wise Sage) Bores and his cheering squad anticipate the ending (that will obviously suck because Cool Spot doesn’t really have a story, honestly if you want an epic ending then play an RPG!)
And the ending is… a message telling the player to take a picture of the screen and send it to the enclosed address in the manual for a prize. As expected Bores complains that he can’t claim the prize and the ending is stupid.

12:03 - 12:25: Ignoring this, Bores decides to take a picture anyway. He asks the mascots (saying this hurts my soul) if they have a camera but for some reason they don’t. It’s so nice that you got the best actor you know, put him on screen for 10 seconds and didn’t give him a single thing to say. I’m sure Eric thinks you’re a wonderful person… *sighs*. Then he decides to use his cell phone, ignoring that he has an HD camcorder in front of him. Chris Bores lost the logical part of his brain years ago, the result of getting “escorted” out of General Mills when he kept complaining to them about Lucky Charms marshmallows.

12:25 - 13:30: We then cut back to the bouncy castle at the Renaissance Festival as Evil Twin returns with the Odyssey. He hooks it up to an “extraction” machine and with some stock effects from Adobe the Odyssey revives… Snake Eyes? Nooo it’s a robot vessel for the HAL 9000, meaning that History of Bullcrap Part 2 was actually important. I’m still not counting the series.
You know, the reason HAL 9000 is so memorable is that he was the spaceship. He controlled everything and showed no remorse when he killed people. Yet, when Bores stuffs him into an antiquated video game console and a robot body then he doesn’t become scary, he becomes generic. He’s nothing.
After his signature “Hello Dave” (ugh), Evil Gamer skates into shot (no really, look how he enters the frame) as he and his master deliver painfully forced evil laughs. Might I recommend a marathon of Mark Hamill as The Joker to understand how an evil laugh works?

The video FINALLY ends with a cut to IG’s house two weeks later (it feels like it’s been two weeks). Chris gets another visitor, the dwarf from Monster Party. It seems that wasn’t a mask he was wearing, or maybe Bores couldn’t find another actor to play the delivery man so h- ugh it’s almost over.
Chris takes the package and the dwarf yells at him for not paying once again prompting the same, stupid Goro joke. Bores wonders what he got from 7-Up (this raises far too many questions that I’m too drained to answer), opens the box and finds multiple copies of the same game. Yes I’m sure 15 years ago 7-Up sent winners copies of the game they beat in order to get this prize. He attempts a sequel hook by making us think he’s doing more 7-Up games, even though it’s the SAME GAME, but we know nothing will come of it. Just like the Yoshi’s Cookie gag at the end of Tetris.
Did he really spend all that money for this one gag? I hope all he did was tape labels over his existing SNES games, but that would also be a waste of time!

FUCK THIS VIDEO ALL THE WAY TO CHINA!! 15 minutes of pure pain, everything that could go wrong did.
Once again, he gave no opinion about the game. He just described what you did, give one complaint, and said they sucked (in fact, he didn’t even give an opinion on the last one). The sketches were unbearable, the jokes were predictable and stock, the “plot” was beyond clichéd, this video was a giant lie.
This was exactly the same as his previous videos. There was no next level, no new direction. It had the same stiff acting, boring explanations, unfunny jokes, pointless characters, bad effects, forced anger, forced cur… actually there was no cursing. Yeah, he didn’t drop a single f-bomb or s-bomb. That seems weird though, why would he start his series cursing then suddenly decide to stop? Pressure from YouTube? Doubtful.

I also have another theft accusation. An evil twin working for an all-powerful overlord. That sounds very similar to Mechakara working for Lord Vyce in Atop The Fourth Wall. Now I know Evil Gamer has been around long before that, but it wasn’t until now that he was working for someone. What do you think?

I need to go lie down. *plop*

Sunday, November 14, 2010

2600theatari doesn't want me to mention him

The biggest IG fanboy ever 2600theatari just sent me this message.

Okay, I will not mention 2600theatari on this blog. 2600theatari will never see his name here. I will keep 2600theatari's promise and not mention 2600theatari.

Karma's a bitch kid.

UPDATE (November 15th): Happy Birthday Bores, hopefully 31 brings intelligence.

Saturday, November 13, 2010

Ze French Like Bores? Doubtful

During an unsettling moment I deleted a lot of posts here, most of them related to his fanboys and their immense stupidity. A couple I deleted were related to interviews he did. This post will cover one of them. An interview with a French gaming website.


There are three other notable interviews, the one on his DVD, the one with a Sandusky newspaper (his home town) and the infamous Uncensored Net Noise interview.

Special thanks to Glowsquid at TVTropes for translating. He notes the wording was weird and stilted, likely due to a bad English-to-French translation.

For context, this interview came out November 18th 2009. His most recent video was the one about Yummy Mummy.

Before making the review, is it easy to guess if the game is bad or not?
Well, I let the review speak for itself. And it is not because I review a game that it is necessarily bad. I try to find games that have easy flaws and incapacities to make fun of.

By easy flaws, he means unable to beat it without Game Genie. Also, your reviews are poorly-worded and vague, telling us nothing about the game. So how does it “speak for itself”?

What are your criterias to say if a game is bad or not?
Let's say I generally choose games based on a specific theme or a series of jokes I had in mind. But the bad games are generally based on the bad impression the public had when discovering them.

You heard that right folks, Bores doesn’t actually choose games to play. He thinks of jokes he saw on TV and picks a game in order to tell them. With that attitude he could be a rejected Jay Leno writer! Play the game then write the jokes. Crap like your Tetris video wasn’t funny.
I’m sure people had a bad impression of Aladdin, Cool Spot, Ghosts N Goblins, Contra, Super Mario Bros. 2, and Tetris. Oh wait no, they loved those games!

Do the Wii possess the biggest number of bad games you've ever seen, or how is it possible to find more on other consoles?
I think all consoles have their bad games and the rare jewels. I didn't find many [games] on Wii that I needed to get but that's just my opinion.

No shit, all consoles have bad games and underrated games. That’s common knowledge. To the interviewer, what the hell kind of question is that? Maybe it’s a mistranslation.

What is the worst game you've ever reviewed?
That's an hard question to answer. I've played many bad games. Most on the NES and on Atari's console. Those are the one I criticized the most for their lazy cash-in nature. And I can't remember the name of these games because there isn't an aspect that deserves to be remembered.

You liar! You’ve played far more good games than bad. Most of the games you call “bad” are actually decent or even classics.
On Atari’s console? They’ve made more than one. Are you forgetting the 5200, 7800, Lynx, and Jaguar? Even so, that’s also a lie. You’ve only reviewed TWO games on the 2600, E.T. and Kool-Aid Man.
You can’t remember any of the games you reviewed? Thanks for telling us exactly how much you care about this show.
By the way, criticizing something for being a lazy cash-in? Tasty hypocrisy.

Do you receive mails from publishers complaining about your opinion?
I've talked with WWE guys over my review of 2008 Smackdown vs. Raw, but that's it. However, I get a lot of mails from famous magazine's reviewers, as well as other Youtube celebrities from time to time. A few will appear in the next episode of The Irate Gamer Show.

By WWE guys you mean their lawyers because you used their footage right? Be specific, who from the WWE did you talk to? Wrestlers, managers, higher-ups?
Which magazine reviewers? Give us names! When you just say “oh this famous person from a magazine contacted me, no I won’t say who” it sounds like you’re lying. Wouldn’t be the first time…
Which YouTube celebrities? It’s been almost a year since you said this and the only other person you’ve included in a video was Wise Sage and he didn’t even get a line (Bores probably knows people like Wise Sage more than him). I do remember BigAl2k6 saying he did some footage for him but it wasn’t used. BigAl is no longer a YouTube “celebrity” he uses Blip now, he wasn’t even that big to begin with.

Do you play good games from time to time?
Not as much as some would think. I don't have a lot of free time playing video games because of my insane schedule doing three shows on Youtube. I also have my own production company that take care of projects for people around my community. But I love playing with my old Gameboy games, I spent a lot of my childhood playing them.

Three shows? All you do is Irate Gamer you don’t have three shows. No, I don’t count IG Neo as a different show it’s the same thing but shorter.
Also, all you do is play good games. You just bash them in order to keep up the “irate persona” that you stole.

Well, this week I tried to beat Super Mario Land 2. I've also just beat Contra IV, so I'm taking a break.

Contra 4 isn’t a Game Boy game. You should know this, you briefly talked about it! What do you mean by “taking a break”?

What is your favorite game?
I love the classics like Kirby, Mario World, Zelda 3, Contra. It's a really sweet job.

I’ve never heard of a game called Kirby. I’ve heard of Kirby’s Dream Land, Kirby Super Star, and Kirby’s Epic Yarn but never one called Kirby.
I’ve also never heard of Zelda 3. Is that hard to call it Link to the Past?
*looks at last line* What’s with this non-sequitur at the end?
I like Okami, Red Dead Redemption, and Chrono Trigger. Inertia is a property of matter.

Are you more forgiving of the flaws in older games, compared to more recent games?
Oh yeah. Let's say that the show try to exploit the weaknesses of all the games I've played at least 10 times.

No you’re not! You complain when the graphics in NES games aren’t FMV with MP3 sound. You rarely give complaints in your Neo reviews, and when you do it’s a non-existent complaint you thought of to sound angry (I still don’t understand his problem with the sound in Brutal Legend).
Oh, and you actually have a quota to your whining? You aren’t satisfied unless you can find 10 things wrong with a game? That doesn’t make sense!

When did you begin the reviews and how did you get the idea?
Well, I wrote a script at the end of 2006 but I tinkered around for a few months before filing a few outdoor scenes in 2007. I made this show primarily to entertain peoples.

Pfft, yeah entertain people. More like entertain your wallet.

How much time do you need to make a video?
The production currently takes much more time than when I started out. I used to make my reviews really quick but now it takes one or two months to make a review. I think the final result shows the time and efforts spend.

“See, I need to stuff in all the effects I can. That way people won’t notice my atrocious writing and acting.” The effort is never shown, it always looks like you slapped it together in an hour even when you actually put effort in.

Do you receive many suggestions for games to review in future episodes?
Oh yes. Practically every day. At home, I have a notebook with a long list of games I want to get for future episodes and many fan suggestions are on it.

“Sometimes I’ll just talk about an unrelated game for 30 seconds and I’ll count that as a full review.”

Any last word for your Francophone fans?
You guys rocks, thank you very much! (said in French in the text, apparently)

Feh, like you have fans. What a dumb interview.

I think the only way Bores can do an interview now is to clarify if the person has ever heard of the AVGN. Otherwise, that question WILL be asked and he’ll make himself look like a fool, stuttering as he finds excuses.

By the way, I saw a video from TheArchfiend talking about one of his old live shows where he debunks one of IG’s news posts, mentioning the blurb about the second DVD. Then I wondered “has he given an update about that since then?” I checked his website and the last time he mentioned actually working on it was April 2009. Followed by a brief mention in October 2009 when he released the remastered Zombies Ate My Neighbors video, saying “it‘s a long way‘s off“. I’m going to assume it’s never coming out. Honestly, after the first one bombed hard, he has no incentive to release a second one.

Until next time.

Isn't he adorable?
And he set it to private! What a shock.

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

God of Idiots III + Interesting Info

*cracks back* Man, it’s been a while a since I’ve made one of these. Let me just stretch out a bit and I’ll be all ready *crack* Oof, now I’m good. Before I get into today’s recap, I’d like to address a few things.

Chris Bores’ Facebook
If you see an incriminating message on that Facebook account, ignore it. That is not Chris Bores, that’s an imposter. First off, has there been a single link to a Facebook account his YouTube channel? We know Bores has a massive ego, and if he really had a Facebook account he would take every opportunity he could to advertise it.

Second, Chris Holland/The Irritated Gamer asked Bores about it and he said no. I think that’s good enough. Here are some screenshots he sent me.
Speaking of Chris Holland…
The Irritated Gamer is in cahoots with the Irate Gamer.
Actually, Holland was invited to GotGame by his friend Kwing. The unfortunate part is most people associate GotGame with Bores and not the other people (in my opinion, the only good ones are Kwing, Chris Holland, and ReviewTechUSA).

Who is LadyBuggin777?
You’ve seen her comments, insulting people that criticize Bores. For a while I thought she was a sock puppet. Well, I learned from a “Wise” source that really is his mother. Yes, LadyBuggin777 is Chris Bores’ mother. Sad, isn’t it? Though my source tells me she does it on her own accord, Bores doesn’t tell her to do it. She’s just “proud of her son”.

Where is doctorkickles/The Save-State Gamer?
We all know he closed his account one day and the reason he gave was highly vague. We still don’t have an actual reason but for those that missed his videos, a YouTube channel called “IrateGamerParodies” reuploaded them.

That’s enough wasting time, let’s get into IG’s God of War III video. Oh joy.
This was IG’s first non-E3/contest video since May, maybe all that time was spent making it detailed and big. Or maybe monkeys will fly out of my butt.

I’m going to start linking the videos so people can follow along.

0:04 - 0:18: The video opens with IG telling us he’ll review God of War III (hold the box, not the disc!), mentioning how it’s been out for some time but because he gets a lot of “fan requests” for it he’s going to do it.
STOP SAYING YOU GET REQUESTS! We get it, you want people to think you have fans! It’s annoying. Also, God of War III came out March 2010, this video came out September 2010. He could have reviewed it shortly after the 3-in-1 in May but that would be silly.

0:19 - 0:23: “Kratos is back in the third God of War game to round out this trilogy.” REDUNDANCY! Proofreading, what’s that?

0:24 - 0:40: Bores remarks that it starts off where the last one left off. Noooo really? He also says “huge monsters climbing Mt. Olympus to attack Zeus? Oh hell yeah!” Huge monsters, you mean the Titans? You sure you played this game?

0:41 - 0:56: “You’ll be following a captivating story…” okay, how is it captivating? “With puzzle-solving, new weapons, and all kind of deities to kill” What puzzles, what weapons, which deities? Explain how these things are good!

0:57 - 1:12: “Now let me preface by saying…” You can’t preface something in the middle of your video! A preface is an introduction, you should have included whatever you’re about to say at the beginning! Now what are you going to say? “… this game is not intended for kids.” You really don’t know about the ESRB do you? This game is Rated M for Mature, that means intended for people 17 and older. Of course it’s not meant for kids!

“It contains harsh language” no it doesn’t! The harshest it gets is “damn” and “hell”. He goes on to mention a sex scene with Aphrodite while showing a completely different character. That’s Pandora you moron. Then he starts playing porno music while placing a censor bar over his TV, it doesn’t even cover the whole TV you can clearly see Kratos just standing there doing nothing.

I watched the sex scene with Aphrodite, and like the first two games you don’t see anything. It cuts away to her topless sex slaves watching them.

1:12 - 1:22: He goes on to say that this was one of the best games of 2010. Okay, why? Why do you think this is one of the best of 2010? He also says the ending was “anticlimatic”. First off, speak English. Second, what the hell are you talking about? The ending might be confusing but it’s not anticlimactic. Again, did you actually play the game?

1:23 - 1:42: IG’s verdict is that fans & non-fans will enjoy (fans of God of War will like the third game? Tell me more!) and you don’t need to have played the first two to play this one. Yes you do, it helps the story.

We cut to Bores holding the disc, getting his fingerprints all over it and… it’s over? That wasn’t even two minutes long! What the hell were you doing for 4 months? This told us nothing about the game!

You can tell that this was by far his laziest video. It amounted to reading the back of the box, which might be why he thinks the game had harsh language. I doubt he even played the game. He only knew about the Aphrodite scene because he probably read about it.

Like the half-assed 3-in-1 effort, fans HAAAATED this video. Lots of people unsubscribed, left scathing comments, and so many dislikes that Bores had to disable ratings (comments are still up though).

Man, feels good to get back into it.

Monday, November 8, 2010

Two Months Later: Let's Go Again

Surprised to see me? Trust me, I'm the most surprised. I never thought of coming back after that but people really want me here. How about that?

Let's not get emotional here, we're here to stick it to a major hack that knows nothing. He's got four new videos out full of pure, unfiltered stupid. Get ready.