This is going to be a tough one. IG’s first retro review since March and boy does it hurt. Bores stated he was ultra-proud of this one because it’s the first video be in HD. Hooray, now his face will be redder and greasier. But first, some things I need to address.
The last History of Video Games was incredibly stupid. We know this. Along with getting multiple things wrong as usual (claiming Bushnell seeing the Odyssey was only a legend, “Al Acorn”, neglecting Kee Games), he lied about getting never-before-seen footage as four of the games were located on this channel
and the other two were recreated poorly by Bores.
Plus, he stole from CNBC. Thanks to vicviper592, we learned that he stole b-roll from “Game On, The Unauthorized History of Video Games”. Thanks to FFL2and3rocks for putting this picture together
You can view the entire documentary here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9tOOhITaGNs It’s far better than anything that damn hack puts out.
The second issue I wish to address is Bores hyping up the subject of this recap. The months preceding this video we’ve heard the following statements.
“This episode will take my show into another level”
“Being in HD will increase my creativity”
“The next review will change everything”
“This will be the greatest IG episode ever” and so on.
So yes you can tell Bores was really hyping this episode. But Daniel, he always hypes his upcoming episodes as “epic” and “amazing”, why is this any different?
Well, his idea that High Definition will somehow make him more creative is a load of crap. It’s like James Cameron with Avatar, a 230 million+ dollar budget and state-of-the-art 3D effects will not cover up an unoriginal, cliché-ridden mess of a story. The same applies here with Bores, he can dream that HD will make him better but that won’t fix his hackneyed writing and awful ideas.
As for this video changing everything? We’ll see…
The third issue involves the Third Rate Gamer. Remember when Bores released his Kool-Aid Man video? That dumbass video where he used the same joke FOUR TIMES, told us nothing about the games, and had the laziest wall-breaking effect ever put on video? Yeah that really sucked. A month later, FFL2and3rocks did a follow-up parody video covering Cool Spot on the SNES. He parodied the mascot showing up over and over (using a sprite from the game), his forced anger towards his own writing, the dumber bits from the video (notably the unnecessary use of the Sonic the Hedgehog drowning music) and Bores’ follow-up video about Kool-Aid flavors where Chris shows that his knowledge of the economy and the business world is similar to his knowledge of video games (which is non-existent).
Then, 10 months later. Bores released the trailer for his next video, 7-Up Spot. The detractors had a field day with this one. Soon, people wondered what jokes Bores would steal from the Third-Rate Gamer. Honestly, their accusations were justified as Bores has stolen from a parody before. *points to IGSRJ’s Monster Party video*.
Here’s the Third Rate Gamers’ video for those that haven’t seen it: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4jLz7S4aY_Q
Now with all that business out of the way, let’s start the actual video. *sighs*
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g7FfV11DATI Follow along
0:00 - 1:29: So the video starts with a LONG cold opening at the Castle of Evil (provided by Google Images). Oh God it’s going to be one of these episodes.
The Evil Gamer awakens an all new character that we’ve never seen. That’s right another villain and it turns out this one is his master. Actually it’s just Bores in Shadowrama since he’s too stupid to get another actor, or fix his hair so it isn’t blatantly obvious that it’s him.
Evil Gamer tells Shadow Overlord (yes that is his name, disgustingly cliché) that they’re close to locating an artifact, followed by Shadow Bores expositing about how he’s trapped in a mirrored prison and once he’s unleashed he’ll take over the world.
Bores in the Mirror then wants to know if the Irate Gamer has been dealt with, however he hasn’t. Dark Bores then asks “I thought you hired a bunch of idiots and trolls to fill his video with hate spam?” Oh my god are you serious? EG then insults the “haters” by saying we can’t make a peanut butter and jelly sandwich without ruining it.
That’s your best insult towards us Bores, we lack the motor skills to make a sandwich? Your insult skills are as effective as your green-screen skills, splotchy and laughable. Maybe you could actually address this problem? Instead of denying it exists and then pretending that your evil twin sent us to make fun of you. Sad thing is that his fans actually use this insult (then again they’re all 12 so I’m not too shocked).
Shadow Overlord then tells his minion to set their next plan in motion, Evil Gamer then explains what the plan is… Chris have you ever heard of dramatic tension? Don’t outright explain everything in the beginning, people will lose incentive to watch your video.
Oh yeah the plan. EG sneaks in and steals his Magnavox Odyssey, apparently it’s a special one-of-a-kind edition that only he has. Ah yes the Odyssey that can sing show tunes, only one exists because Magnavox thought it was silly. Sadly, my idea is better than the one Bores crapped out.
Evil Gamer leaves while Shadow Overlord delivers the absolute worst evil laugh, showing that Bores still can’t act. You would think he’d spend all this time he has NOT making videos and invest in learning how to act. I say this because I don’t know if he has a real job, he never says if he does.
1:29 - 1:35: IG shows off his new logo, which is somehow worse than his old one. I didn’t think that was possible. It’s just so bland. He also accompanies it with a slower version of Blind Pass. Is this our new theme Chris? It’s the same one only slower.
1:36 - 1:49: Chris opens his part calling us “gaming gurus”. Strange choice of words… no it was to set up this horribly unfunny gag! Goro from Mortal Kombat barges in and asks if he called for him, Bores tells him he said “gurus” not “Goro”, prompting him to leave. Where the hell in your tiny brain did you think guru sounded like Goro? That doesn’t make sense! Apparently, Goro is his new neighbor. Why would the penultimate boss from the first Mortal Kombat live in Ohio?
1:50 - 2:08: So the actual review portion starts with Bores giving a BRIEF history (seriously it’s not even one full line) before showing that he’ll review the Spot the Video Game on the NES. I guess he didn’t say much so people wouldn’t call him out on research failure. Then why is he still doing History of Video Games?
2:09 - 2:38: Bores starts playing the game and after some bad reaction shots asks what the hell this is, complaining it’s not a video game. You’re playing it on the NES with a controller, I think that means it’s a video game.
He then compares the game to Othello, noting there’s also a video game version and it’s cheaper to get the board game (listing the price of the NES game as $29.99. Well that’s strange because a quick look on eBay shows I can get the game factory-sealed for $14.99 not including shipping).
Spot The Video Game is based off Ataxx not Othello, a quick look at Wikipedia will tell you this.
2:39 - 2:47: He then complains that if you put “video game” in the title then there should be some side scrolling action. … wow, that just happened.
Not every video game is a side-scrolling platformer! Why are you complaining about this? Are you going to complain that the Monopoly video game is just an electronic version of the board game and not Uncle Pennybags jumping around and killing thimbles & shoes?
2:47 - 2:53: We then get a pointless scene with Bores yelling at a sprite of Spot. You’re not even trying to hide that you stole this “joke” are you? At least when the Third-Rate Gamer did it, he was making fun of it and how it’s an unfunny idea.
2:54 - 3:13: IG continues whining that it’s not a video game (notice the strange dot when he shops “board” on the screen) and then goes on to explain how it works. Nothing wrong here, just boring dialogue.
3:13 - 3:29: He also brings up that the game supports four players. He takes out his Four Score and plugs in three regular controllers and one turbo controller. Then tells us to get three friends for “a battle of wits”. However he plays with three Spot sprites because he doesn’t have friends (at least friends that are willing to appear in his videos).
3:30 - 3:57: Commence a padding montage! Ugggggh. Yes another montage, Bores really loves these things. Even when the game in question doesn’t call for one. I don’t understand why he constantly uses montages, he’s not on TV, there’s no limit to how short or long his videos can be. There’s no point!
I mentioned Bores plugging in three regular controllers and one turbo controller. Yet in the montage the turbo controller is missing. Bores uses a regular one, the Spot next to him uses a regular one, and the Spots on the ground use regular ones. Do you even pay attention to what you’re doing? For someone so obsessed with story continuity you really can’t keep simple scenes straight.
I’ll give him credit in that, unlike previous montages, he doesn’t shake his controller like a jackass.
So Bores loses, evidenced by text that he obviously edited in. Though I don’t understand why it says “Player One Defeated” when the other two clearly lost. So why didn’t it say “Player Four Wins”? Is Bores that selfish? It’d be like playing any Super Smash Bros and instead of announcing the winner it will say “the loser is one of the other three!”
Bores ends the review calling the game stupid.
3:57 - 4:56: Suddenly a knock at the door! He goes to answer it and the camera focuses on a certain spot. Why Bores, I didn’t think you were this kind! Giving us all new material for Bores N Doors! Sadly the material here is nowhere near as exploitable as the Monster Party video, I’ve only seen one BnD with the new footage and it wasn’t very good.
On the other side of the door is the Evil Gamer pretending to be a pizza delivery man, complete with bad Italian accent, which sounds more like a bad French accent, and fake handlebar mustache. Paper-Thin Gamer says he’s giving away a free pizza for a Magnavox Odyssey. Yes the pizza’s free if you give me something in return. *slams head on desk*
Bores says he has one and picks it up off the floor. Why was it on the floor? Bores realizes who the delivery man is and rips off his mustache. I should point out the horrendous editing error here. Bores reaches out with his right hand, and tears off his mustache with his left. You don’t have to be a film expert to see these gaping inconsistencies. It’s almost like he’s doing this on purpose. EG then threatens to pound him if he doesn‘t get it. Wow beating him up, that sure is scary. You could threaten to kill him, stab him, use a bad special effect to blow his head up, but I’m sure beating him up works just as well. IG taunts him and sticks his tongue out as he goes back inside, real mature Chris.
Evil Gamer won’t take this and yells at him to fight like a man, and since it was SOOOO funny the first time Goro believes the message is for him and appears. Since Bores is too lazy to make a fight scene, EG runs off scared. I’m starting to think the “evil” part is in name only.
Two major problems here. Bores wouldn’t give his Odyssey to his Evil Twin yet he’s perfectly willing to give it to a random stranger. Ash Ketchum wasn’t this stupid!
Also, where does Bores live? I’m serious. Does he live in an apartment building because there’s a door with “B2” on the other side and Goro “lives” next door. Yet, all the exterior shots of his house show a single family home; not an apartment building. Ugh, I’m only five minutes into this wreck.
4:57 - 5:40: IG moves on to the second game, Spot the Cool Adventure on Game Boy. He says this is better but it’s still not a good game. Of course every game is bad in the world of Chris Bores. He doesn’t understand why you have to collect spots. They’re like coins or rings or any collectable where collecting 100 will net you an extra life. How’s that hard to understand?
I don’t see why you’re complaining this looks exactly like M.C. Kids. Actually, it is M.C. Kids! In Europe, M.C. Kids (or McDonald Land) received a Game Boy version. This was altered in the USA and Japan to a 7-Up Spot game. You know the game exists Chris, you stole from The Nerd’s video on it, you referenced it once. Oh that’s right you don’t play video games.
Bores then complains about a platform in the third stage that he can’t reach. Pick up the block, put it near the platform, jump onto the block, then onto the platform. Basic Gaming 101, and thus more proof Bores isn’t a gamer.
5:41 - 5:54: WOW that is nowhere near convincing. He imposed the Super Game Boy footage onto his Game Boy. I don’t recall the original Game Boy being able to play games in color. I’m also surprised he’s able to play it without turning it on, it’s no wonder he’s having trouble with it. You have to turn things on if you want them to work!
Bores then complains that the game sucks (shocker) causing Spot sprite next to him to cry. He tells it to grow-up. *sniff sniff* The room stinks of hypocrisy again. I’ll go open a window.
5:55 - 6:09: IG starts to review Cool Spot. He mentions that it’s available on the Genesis and SNES, however since the SNES version has more levels he’ll look at that one. That sounds vaguely similar to TRG’s joke about not wanting to do a Genesis game in his Cool Spot review.
6:10 - 6:41: Here he explains how the game works. To get past a level you must collect Spot coins until you have 30% (remember this). If you want a Bonus Level collect 75% (and to make sure we get this he adds a little bit of text) and getting 100% nets you an extra life (with more text, this is worse than the green circles).
He then complains that some are hard to get and doesn’t understand the purpose to collecting them (YOU JUST SAID IT!) so unless they get him laid then he’ll ignore them. … No comment.
6:42 - 6:57: He comments that completing the level will have the Spots do an annoying dance. I am sure the Spots dance for that long, it totally doesn’t look like you’re looping the footage.
6:58 - 7:18: Here he explains how the bonus stages work. Now we’re getting boring.
7:19 - 7:48: Bores then talks about some of the levels in the game. He gives special attention to a train ride that gives him “vertigo” (You can’t get vertigo this way! If you do, then you shouldn’t be playing videos games, you should go to the doctor!) and this prompts a joke where he vomits into a trash can. You’re recycling jokes now? You did the exact same thing in the Contra III video, only you fell over instead of vomited.
7:49 - 8:09: He also points a level where if you fall off the ledge you start at the beginning of level, whining that you have to waste time to get back up there. … AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA *slaps self* Do you have any idea what challenge is? No wait, you don’t.
He then gets on his soapbox and wonders why developers keep making these levels. They still make these kinds of levels? Aren’t we in an age of 3D gaming where this design is rare?
Bores then says everybody hates these levels. I don’t hate them, I can find them annoying but I don’t hate them (at least compared to sewer levels). Would you prefer dying if you fall off a ledge just like Castlevania? Oh wait, you’ll complain that happens. Once again we’re moving from “Irate Gamer” to “Unpleasable Fuckwad”.
8:10 - 9:19: But no time for explaining that retarded remark, we’ve got more unfunny sketch comedy! Chris hears another knock and it’s Evil Gamer wearing sunglasses and a lab coat… interesting combination? I guess he couldn’t find goggles. Why yes I am accusing him for stealing the idea of Dr. Insano.
Irate Insano tells him they’re giving away free Xbox 360’s outside, Bores being the gullible idiot falls for it. Even though he already has a 360, and judging from the upcoming comparison video (spoilers) he has two. Then again, I’m questioning the logic of a man that almost gave away his rare early 70’s console for a pizza.
Bores goes in front of his green-scr- I mean OUTSIDE where there’s a large fence and unnatural looking sky. He realizes there’s no Xbox’s and is greeted by Wilson from Home Improvement (oh good, bringing back one-joke characters from past shitty reviews… again), but for some reason he calls him Wilkins. Why? Did Touchstone threaten to sue if you used Wilson? Did you actually forget the character’s name? Are you trying to claim that “Wilkins” is an original character? I hope that one isn’t true, otherwise Chris is no better than a fanfic writer that can’t create original characters so they take an existing one and slightly alter him… so 80% of deviantART.
IG realizes there’s no free Xbox’s and then notices a teddy bear, he picks it up and turns into Statue Mario from Super Mario Bros. 3 (or Ksitigarbha). So that was the Tanooki Suit? Why isn’t he wearing the Tanooki Suit then, why did it just turn him into stone? This makes no fucking sense!
By the way, nice late reaction there “Wilkins”. You’re like Slowpoke.
Evil Gamer walks off with the Odyssey, that was pathetically easy and stupid. Bores turns back to normal and returns to the game. Uggggh, these sketches are horrid.
9:19 - 9:34: IG reaches the last level (if this is the end why is there still 5 minutes left?) and when he gets to the cage you’ll notice something is off. Remember that he said you need 30% to unlock the cage at the end. Then why is his Cool Meter only at 29%? Hmmm, cheating again Bores? Couldn’t go one single video without tapping into that little Game Genie.
9:35 - 10:01: IG listens to the Spots jump again and asks “could there be a more annoying mascot?”
Then… *crash* OH YEAH!
Oh fuck you! No! No! No! You can’t do that!
You can’t try to establish some sort of continuity between your videos and then bring things back to life for absolutely no reason! You are a hack Chris Bores! An unoriginal, boring, beyond fucked up hack!
*regains composure* IG tells Kool-Aid Man to go away (I’m getting déjà vu here) and apparently he can say “I know” now. Oh goody, you’ve learned he can say other words. He then tells the Spot to shut up and attempts to look intimating by growling at the camera. Grr I’m irate… ugggggh less than 5 minutes.
10:02 - 10:32: So he beats the game and wants his “well-deserved ending” (why do you keep calling them that?) and sees it’s another “beat the game on hard and collect all the items for the real ending” ending. As usual he cries about it, but unlike the other times he decides to keep this complaining short. Then “Wilkins” and his wagon fence and Goro join Kool-Aid Man & Spot as his cheering squad. Why do I get the feeling this is a dream he had as a kid? A bunch of characters from TV shows/commercials (and one video game) cheering him on for something.
10:32 - 11:30: Commence another god damn montage! These are pointless!
Highlights include the return of his Pac-Man Fever (I knew he couldn’t resist shaking the controller like a jackass), Kool-Aid Man punching the air (sure why not?), Bores drinking… shampoo? How does that help? An even worse bit of Pac-Man Fever as he button-mashes the controller with one hand and reads a Nintendo Power in the other. Plus plenty of forced reaction shots.
11:30 - 12:03: Despite his claim that he’s on the last level, he uses the exact same screen he did before (29% on the Cool Meter). Laaaaaaazy.
So in a shot clearly made to show he’s in HD and Widescreen (complete with cameo from the Wise Sage) Bores and his cheering squad anticipate the ending (that will obviously suck because Cool Spot doesn’t really have a story, honestly if you want an epic ending then play an RPG!)
And the ending is… a message telling the player to take a picture of the screen and send it to the enclosed address in the manual for a prize. As expected Bores complains that he can’t claim the prize and the ending is stupid.
12:03 - 12:25: Ignoring this, Bores decides to take a picture anyway. He asks the mascots (saying this hurts my soul) if they have a camera but for some reason they don’t. It’s so nice that you got the best actor you know, put him on screen for 10 seconds and didn’t give him a single thing to say. I’m sure Eric thinks you’re a wonderful person… *sighs*. Then he decides to use his cell phone, ignoring that he has an HD camcorder in front of him. Chris Bores lost the logical part of his brain years ago, the result of getting “escorted” out of General Mills when he kept complaining to them about Lucky Charms marshmallows.
12:25 - 13:30: We then cut back to the bouncy castle at the Renaissance Festival as Evil Twin returns with the Odyssey. He hooks it up to an “extraction” machine and with some stock effects from Adobe the Odyssey revives… Snake Eyes? Nooo it’s a robot vessel for the HAL 9000, meaning that History of Bullcrap Part 2 was actually important. I’m still not counting the series.
You know, the reason HAL 9000 is so memorable is that he was the spaceship. He controlled everything and showed no remorse when he killed people. Yet, when Bores stuffs him into an antiquated video game console and a robot body then he doesn’t become scary, he becomes generic. He’s nothing.
After his signature “Hello Dave” (ugh), Evil Gamer skates into shot (no really, look how he enters the frame) as he and his master deliver painfully forced evil laughs. Might I recommend a marathon of Mark Hamill as The Joker to understand how an evil laugh works?
The video FINALLY ends with a cut to IG’s house two weeks later (it feels like it’s been two weeks). Chris gets another visitor, the dwarf from Monster Party. It seems that wasn’t a mask he was wearing, or maybe Bores couldn’t find another actor to play the delivery man so h- ugh it’s almost over.
Chris takes the package and the dwarf yells at him for not paying once again prompting the same, stupid Goro joke. Bores wonders what he got from 7-Up (this raises far too many questions that I’m too drained to answer), opens the box and finds multiple copies of the same game. Yes I’m sure 15 years ago 7-Up sent winners copies of the game they beat in order to get this prize. He attempts a sequel hook by making us think he’s doing more 7-Up games, even though it’s the SAME GAME, but we know nothing will come of it. Just like the Yoshi’s Cookie gag at the end of Tetris.
Did he really spend all that money for this one gag? I hope all he did was tape labels over his existing SNES games, but that would also be a waste of time!
FUCK THIS VIDEO ALL THE WAY TO CHINA!! 15 minutes of pure pain, everything that could go wrong did.
Once again, he gave no opinion about the game. He just described what you did, give one complaint, and said they sucked (in fact, he didn’t even give an opinion on the last one). The sketches were unbearable, the jokes were predictable and stock, the “plot” was beyond clichéd, this video was a giant lie.
This was exactly the same as his previous videos. There was no next level, no new direction. It had the same stiff acting, boring explanations, unfunny jokes, pointless characters, bad effects, forced anger, forced cur… actually there was no cursing. Yeah, he didn’t drop a single f-bomb or s-bomb. That seems weird though, why would he start his series cursing then suddenly decide to stop? Pressure from YouTube? Doubtful.
I also have another theft accusation. An evil twin working for an all-powerful overlord. That sounds very similar to Mechakara working for Lord Vyce in Atop The Fourth Wall. Now I know Evil Gamer has been around long before that, but it wasn’t until now that he was working for someone. What do you think?
I need to go lie down. *plop*