*crack* Going through the old videos again, this is going to be a chore.
Let us venture into one of IG’s worst, Predator for the NES.
But first, the trailer. From this point on, Bores started uploading trailers for the reviews. A rather pointless gesture since the video will be on YouTube and not another site.
“only 2 more episodes remain before Season 1 is over” What I find odd is the following episode (R.O.B.) is titled “Season 2”. So was there an episode that was never made?
“And the next review is coming. So be Prepared!” Followed by footage from the review set to that song he played at the end of the Goonies II video. I think it’s more Digital Juice but I heard it’s also something off OC Remix so I’m not sure.
Now onto the video!
One “Blind Pass” later
0:18 - 0:43: The video begins with a stock image of a jungle before cutting to IG looking through a plastic plant. Oh, he’s supposed to be in that jungle. That’s… really lame. He couldn’t film this part outside? *looks at date* April 17th. It’s nice out in April, what’s his excuse for this fake plant crap?
He continues looking through the plastic plant (by the way, poster at 0:35) and stumbles across his copy of Predator. He picks it up and then tries to take a shit. No wait, that’s meant to be anger. Gritting your teeth like that doesn’t make you look angry, rather it looks like you need more fiber.
0:43 - 0:56: “Turning a Hollywood movie into a video game always spells disaster” Should I list off licensed games that contradict this? Yeah I really should.
Chronicles of Riddick, Goldeneye, Lord of the Rings: Return of the King, Ghostbusters (2009), The Godfather, Aladdin (Genesis and SNES), Little Nemo, Stranglehold (sequel to Hard Boiled), and various Star Wars games. I’d go on but we’d be here all day.
“This game isn’t just bad, it’s more like a shit taco with cow urine for a dipping sauce” Disgusting, also shows that Bores seems stuck on food similes.
0:56 - 1:19: IG starts the game up and points out how you don’t get a gun, despite the front cover showing otherwise. Psst, you can get a gun in the first level if you go left and jump to it. Also, he has a gun because they’re using the movie poster for the box art. Yeah, what a concept.
By the way Chris, could you tell us the name of Arnold Schwarzenegger’s character? Instead of just saying “Arnold Schwarzenegger’s character”? Just a thought.
1:20 - 1:25: “So I guess I’ll have to beat these guys down with my FISTS OF FURY” As he says it, the words show up on screen. A half-way clever joke? Something’s not right *digs a little* here‘s the problem! He stole this joke. Not from the AVGN, but from wizwar100/LazyWorkCreations. February 2nd 2007, wizwar reviewed Predator on the NES. It took quite a bit from Armake21’s video but wizwar was man enough to acknowledge his existence and that he was an inspiration.
Around 5:40 he says “We’re in the forest again, but I don’t have my motherfucking machine gun just my fists of fury!”
Sound familiar? You can’t say this was a coincidence, it’s too damn similar. It’s also not a reference to the movie so don’t try that excuse.
1:26 - 1:51: IG then points out that the fists are completely worthless. Noting that the biggest problem is their short range. No shit, they’re your fists. Unless you have superpowers then you can’t attack from a distance.
He also brings up the “fustrating” aspect of being unable to punch when crouching. *gasp* A legit point! He shows that this flaw prevents him from killing scorpions. I shouldn’t get too excited, for every legit point there’s 12 idiotic points.
1:52 - 2:00: He then wonders why Dutch (yes I’m calling him by his character name, even if Bores doesn’t) is wearing pink and if the military has gone color blind. This rant sounds oddly familiar, like someone else already made it.
As if stealing from wizwar wasn’t enough, he also stole from Armake21’s review of Predator. The “Dutch wearing pink” rant sounds way too familiar.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7YNJ7ZWrBSQ (Part 1)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9dGddZ4dhtQ (Part 2, only for the first four minutes)
2:01 - 2:08: We then cut to an odd shot of IG turning to the camera while its facing his TV. I’m guessing he did this shot for two reasons. To show off that he’s not using an emulator and to show off his Brawl poster in another “I’m a gamer guys, really” moment.
He concludes that everyone is trying to kill Dutch because he’s wearing pink, even getting the urge to want to kill him. For wearing pink? That’s kind of homophobic. Laugh at him sure, but kill him?
2:09 - 2:56: He does say there are weapons but you have to go out of your way to find them. He points out the grenades in the first level and how they’re useless, even showing how they can’t blow up the wall of blocks. Once again, I’m getting Armake21 vibes. Did he really think nobody would notice?
“What the shit muchacho?” Mexican on the mind Bores?
“Or should I be saying these ‘pines’ suck ass? Ugh, whatever”. “Pines” is short for “pinecones”, a nickname for grenades shaped like that.
2:57 - 3:24: IG says that you finally get a good weapon in level 3, but complains that they couldn’t give him one earlier. Again, I refer you to the machine gun in level 1. He then complains that he’s using a laser because Dutch didn’t use one in the movie, and wonders if the laser or the “pine” is worse. The grenades! The laser actually works.
“How about giving me a boot so I could shove it up someone’s ass?” I imagine if the game allowed you to kick, it would have the same range as the punch.
3:25 - 3:51: He then says the most “fustrating” aspect is when you beat a level, they take your weapons away. I like how he says “weapons” plural even though you can only carry one weapon at a time.
During his ranting, the Predator is watching him through Thermal Vision. Hang on a second. In the movies, the Predator watched from a distance even when he used his camouflage. A good hunter always watches from a distance. But from this perspective, it looks like the Predator is standing six-seven feet away in the open. Sure, he has his camouflage on but that only works when he’s in trees, when he’s in the open you can clearly see the outline.
Then again, I’m putting more thought into this than Bores did
“This game just keeps getting worse and worse” You can tell how angry I’m getting from my soulless delivery.
Also note that he stares at the camera before it cuts back to the game. Editing flub?
3:52 - 4:01: IG compliments the game giving you a large life-bar, but it won’t help against all the shit they throw at you. *waits* No annoying joke or edit? Surprising.
4:02 - 4:43: He starts talking about level 3 and how you can fall through the blocks. There’s a strange amount of good points in this video. Why did I call it one of the worst?
He also complains about the enemies, saying they aren’t in the movie or even found in a regular cave. Wondering why they couldn’t put in bats or snakes and suggests random things like cows and Richard Simmons tapes. Now I’m starting to remember why this is one of the worst. Random references like that aren’t funny.
If you’re going to complain that the enemies weren’t in the movie, then why aren’t you complaining that there’s a cave level? Remember all those caves in Predator?
4:43 - 5:08: He reaches the boss of level 4 (a Predator) and defeats him, saying he’s easy if you got the laser gun and how your “overrated fists of fury” won’t defeat him. You’re the one that overrated them with those flashy effects!
5:08 - 5:37: IG tells us that defeating this Predator won’t end the game because there’s still ten more Predators despite there being only one in the movie. During this bored rant the Predator continues to watch him and good lord this thermal effect sucks. I actually found a user on YouTube that showed a much better thermal effect in Photoshop.
You can view it here (by biohazardoussnark): http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qiM9dy-UI9E
He even provides a tutorial for the Photoshop-savvy: http://www.iamcraiglewis.co.uk/predator_tutorial.pdf
Oh and a predictable “you ever get the feeling you’re being watched” line. Have to fill the “trite-quota” somehow.
5:38 - 6:29: IG brings up the game’s numerous precision jumps and how many levels have a lot of small platforms to jump across. Well it is a platformer…
“Over-jump your target, you fall down below. Under-jump your target, you fall down below. An enemy hits you, you fall down below” Touch the top of the building you die, touch the ceiling you die, touch the floor you die, too far to the right you die, too far to the left you die, you die, you die, you die die die die die die DIE! He just loves stealing this bit doesn’t he? And don’t give me that “there’s no other way to explain it” crap.
*ahem* The jumping in this game is difficult to control, especially in the platforming segments with multitudes of tiny blocks. It’s a tedious process and frustrating when you’re almost at the top only for one over-shot jump to impede your progress.
But this over-explanation is interrupted by another needless joke! Bores falls on purpose to the left of the screen and starts going through multiple screens leading to the gag where he’s in different games, ending on Dutch going through Hell and Devil Bores commenting on it. Ugh, there’s two minutes left. Just two minutes.
6:30 - 6:45: He talks about the large amount of levels and how some are called “Level Big Mode” and it’s called that because everything is big, leading to…
“Well if we’re going to be honest, why not just call a few of these stages ‘Level PieceOfFuckingShit?’” I can’t figure out why, but this jokes hurts me. And not in the usual way.
6:46 - 7:23: He gets to a level where he needs to throw grenades at the wall to reach other items. His comment “It would be a helluva lot easier if these enemies weren’t trying to kill me!” Pfft hahahahahahaha! Wow, that’s all kinds of dumb. Complaining that enemies are actually trying to kill you, I’m amazed.
Then we see Bores “Winter-Gaming” and whining while trying to take another shi- I mean get angry or something. Along with some really bad acting and ugly expressions. During this he breaks his controller in half. Quite a clean break if you ask me, almost seems planned…
So we’ve FINALLY reached the end of this endurance test with Bores telling us the game sucks when the Predator’s triangle laser sight appears on his shirt. He ducks out of the way of a Particle Illusion effect and explosion that hits his NES shelf… and does nothing to it. That shelf must be on a separate plane of existence to withstand an explosion. That or Bores was too lazy to make his NES games fall.
The Predator appears and good lord does it look lame. I do wonder who’s in the costume though, Bores doesn’t give credit to who it is.
Now, before I get to the fight scene I want to bring up something he said in the comments to the trailer video. Bores was bragging about his martial arts training and said that we’ll be seeing some of it in this video. I have a feeling he might have been lying.
IG charges the Predator, disarms him, but the Predator gets him into a chokehold, IG knees him then punches him but gets punched back knocking him over. He gets up and delivers a bunch of badly-choreographed punches finally knocking down the Predator. So the Predator blows himself up taking IG along with him! Nooo that’s what the movie Predator would do, the shitty Irate Gamer Predator just lies there while IG grabs his gun and… blows his head off. Watch AVGN’s Friday the 13th episode much? Seriously, it’s almost exact.
Bores stares at the camera and the video ends.
*slams head down* Now I really remember why this is one of the worst. It’s unbelievably boring! He sounds bored throughout most of the video, there aren’t enough idiotic complaints to make fun of, the fight at the end was slow and bordered on Mary Sue levels, it was just a big ball of dull! That and all the material he stole for this. I mean, three reviewers?
On the bright side, for you at least, the next video is abysmal. There will be sooooo much to talk about in that one.
I’m going to go watching something exciting, like After Last Season.