Here we go again. Time to hear Bores gush about movies that aren't out yet. I hope you like hearing “It looks awesome from the trailer”.
Before we start, let’s tally last year’s list with the majority consensus.
10. Inception: Confusing but good fun.
9. The A-Team: Forgettable action from a memorable show.
8. Toy Story 3: One of the best films of the year
7. Grown Ups: Remember when Adam Sandler was funny? Yeah, hard to believe.
6. Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time: The best video game movie ever, but that’s not saying much.
5. Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps: Why did this need a sequel?
4. Tron: Legacy: Major love it or hate it
3. The Last Airbender: I’d call it a train wreck but that would insulting train wrecks.
2. The Sorcerer’s Apprentice: Nicholas Cage needs to stop doing Disney movies.
1. Iron Man 2: Not as good as the first but still a lot of fun.
Alright, enough stalling. Let’s get through this.
The video begins with Bores in front of his green screen telling us he’ll be counting down by release date. Considering his habit of ranking awful movies highly because “the trailer looked awesome” I can understand why he’s doing this.
10. Thor (why is talking like he just smoked a carton of Marlboros? Is he trying to sound badass?)
Looks like Bores is done using static images and is now showing trailer footage. Effort? Maybe.
“Before I watched the trailer, I wasn’t sure if I wanted to see this movie or not. But after seeing the trailer, it’s pretty much ultimately changed my mind.” So the trailer set out to accomplish what a trailer does, make people want to see the movie. Good God that was a badly written line.
At least he didn’t say “I never read any of the Thor comics”.
9. Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides
He said he enjoyed the first movie but the two sequels left him confused. The sequels weren’t confusing. Overblown, ridden with plotholes, poorly-written and developed? Sure. But not confusing.
Blah blah movie looks good from trailers.
“Ponce de Leon eat your heart out matey”. Don’t compare a fictional adventure to something that happened in real life.
8. The Hangover: Part II
He hopes it doesn’t fall into sequelitis. Next!
7. X-Men: First Class
He remarks on all the negative reception but still thinks it looks cool from the movie trailer. You know what else looked cool from the trailer? Attack of the Clones. What did it have? Clunky dialogue, bad characterization, boring action scenes, and a painfully forced attempt at making Darth Vader a sympathetic character. Again Chris, don’t judge everything on the trailer. People are skeptical because X-Men 3 and Wolverine suuuuuucked.
He also brings up that he read the Legion Quest storyline and is excited to see how the movie handles it. Legion Quest had nothing to do with how Xavier and Lehnsharr met. In fact, everything I read about First Class says nothing about Xavier’s son.
6. Super 8
Blah blah not much known blah blah attempts to explain the plot blah blah trailer looks cool blah blah big names attached.
And that’s where the video ends. Bores needs money so he split the list in two. And you were doing so well last year with only one video.
After reminding us he’s counting down by release date, because he thinks we’re idiots, he continues the list.
5. Green Lantern
He brings up the negative reception towards the first trailer but then gushes over the second one. I like how he avoids giving his thoughts on the first trailer with the obviously unfinished effects.
“Expect a lot of CGI scenes” Noooooooo really? I thought all of those scenes were stop-motion.
At least he got Sinestro’s name right.
4. Transformers: Dark of the Moon (or as he calls it, Transformers 3)
He’s aware that Bayformers are bad but because it’s Transformers he has to see it. No you don’t! You can choose not to see it. It’s not like you still do movie reviews.
He’s hoping since Michael Bay admitted Revenge of the Fallen was bad that this will be an improvement. No, it won’t. It’s Michael Bay, he’s been making the same movie for years. It’s going to be loud, it’s going to be annoying, it’s going to be racist, and it’s going to suck.
3. Captain America: The First Avenger
“Trailer made it look awesome” Yes Chris, that’s what a trailer does. You get a gold star.
“A Super Soldier from the 1940’s being created to stop bad guys?” Woooow, he completely ignored the biggest aspects of Cap’s origin. It was during World War II and they’re fighting Nazis. Not “a hero in the 40’s fighting bad guys”. Just… ugh.
“Now I know nothing about Captain America’s origin story” Oh well that explains it. Still it wouldn’t have hurt to do a little research. Oh wait, you’re Chris Bores. You don't do research.
2. The Smurfs
He acknowledges the viewers confusion but says Smurfs were a part of his childhood so he’s curious how this works out. He says the CGI looks decent (no it doesn’t) but is leery of the NYC setting and the voice actors (specifically Katy Perry and George Lopez) because the voices from the 80’s series were “iconic”. He hopes a good script will save it. The footage shows Smurfette imitating Marilyn Monroe. Nothing about this will be good.
1. Cowboys & Aliens (at least he knows what an ampersand is and didn’t call it Cowboys vs. Aliens)
He knows it’s corny but it has a lot of big names and the trailer looks awesome *headdesk* Sorry I needed a jolt, the blandness was knocking me out.
By the way Chris, her name is Olivia Wilde. Not “the chick from House”. You couldn’t even say Thirteen, her character’s name? Whatever the list is done.
Bores closes out saying if he has time he’ll review some of the movies (considering you only reviewed two movies last year, I don’t see this happening).
“Cut, print, that’s a wrap” That’s still a lame catchphrase.
Then a CGI rendering of a clapboard. Seriously what’s with all the CGI in his videos lately? It’s really off-putting.
This was predictable as hell. I knew he would put all the comic book adaptations on there. Hell, I somehow predicated the Smurfs and that was as a joke. Now I feel sad.
I need to go cheer myself up.